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Posted: 2/19/2008 3:15:08 PM | A guy goes to pick up his date for the evening. She's not ready yet, so he has to sit in the living room with her parents.
He has a bad case of gas and really needs to releive some pressure.
Luckly, the family dog jumps up on the couch next to him. He decides that he can let a little fart out and if anyone notices they will think that the dog did it.
He farts, and the woman yells, "Spot, get down from there."
The guy thinks, "Great, they think the dog did it." He releases another fart, and the woman again yells for the dog to get down.
This goes on for a couple more farts. Finally the woman yells, "Dammit Spot, get down before he shits on you!!"
 sounds like something that would happen to my ex ... hahahahah oops | |
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Posted: 2/20/2008 7:10:55 AM | Hillary Clinton held a press conference today where she announced that until the election is over she will shave off all her pubic hair and sit on stage wearing no panties.
Astounded reporters asked what the message was, to which she replied "Read my lips. No more Bush"
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Posted: 2/22/2008 6:51:00 AM | There was a blonde a brunette and a redhead on top of a burning building. The police and the fire department where down on the ground yelling up to them while holding a piece of tarp "okay we are going to hold this piece of tarp and we need you ladies to jump onto it and we will bring you to safety...so redhead do ahead and jump." so she hugs the two other women and she jumps off the building. Right as she was getting ready to hit the tarp they move it and she lands on the ground and the guys start laughing...they yell back up "alright, brunette we want you to jump now, we don’t like redheads so we decided to move the tarp." so she said okay and she jumped. Well just like before they moved the tarp and the brunette landed on the ground, and they all started laughing. so they yell back up "okay blonde you need to jump before the entire building is engulfed with flames" well she yells back "I don’t think so, you're not letting me fall to me death...lay the tarp down and back away..."
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Posted: 2/26/2008 3:46:07 AM | What Do Retired People Do All Day?
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their
days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went
into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came
out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and
said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He
ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So my wife called him a idiot. He finished the second ticket and put it
on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third
ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the
more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus. We try to have a
little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age. | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 3/17/2008 11:06:37 AM | Nursing home sex ...
Two elderly residents, a man and a woman, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening.
The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting. For $5.00 I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."
The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word.
The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."
The old lady still says nothing but after a couple minutes, starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up.
"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old man.
"Get serious", she replies. "Four times in the rocking chair." | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 3/17/2008 11:17:06 AM | These are your morning smile (or belly laugh in some cases). They are a
bit scary in that it's the attorneys making the gaffs in some cases.
I particularly liked the last one!!!!
Disorder in the American Courts Re-Visited
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and
are things people actually said in court, word for word , taken down
and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm
while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in
his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed
on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Would you like to rephrase that?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did
you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was
doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And the best for last:
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check
for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive
when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive
and practicing law. | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 3/17/2008 11:18:06 AM | Having reached the age of 60, I went to apply for Canada Pension last week.
After waiting in line for a very long time, I finally got to the counter.
The clerk requested the necessary papers to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized, to my great dismay,that I had left my wallet on the nightstand in my bedroom.
I told the Lady that I was sorry, but I seemed to have left my wallet at home.
'I'll have to go get it and come back later', I said.
At that point, she said to me, 'Unbutton your shirt.'
Although confused, I opened my shirt, revealing lots of curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,' and with that, she promptly processed my application.
When I got home, I couldn't wait to tell my wife about my experience at the Canada Pension Office.
She listened to the whole story and then said..... You should have dropped your pants; you might have gotten disability, too.' | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 3/17/2008 11:18:50 AM | If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears
with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking
twenty-five miles to school every morning ... uphill BOTH ways
yadda, yadda, yadda ....
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up,
there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it! But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of
thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.
You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my
childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today you
don't know how good you've got it!
I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The
Internet . If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and
look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!! There was no email!! We had to actually write
somebody a letter .with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and
put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!
There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to
steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself!
Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the
beginning and @#*% it all up!
We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you
were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!
And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either!
When the phone rang, you
had no idea who it was! It could be your school,
your mom, your boss, your
bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you
just didn't know!!! You had
to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video
games with high-resolution
3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games
like 'Space Invaders' and
'asteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You
actually had to use your
imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or
screens, it was just one screen
forever!
And you could never win. The game just kept getting
harder and harder and
faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!
When you went to the movie theater there no such
thing as stadium seating!
All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy
or some old broad with a hat
sat in front of you and you couldn't see, you were
just screwed!
Sure, we had cable television, but back then that
was only like 15 channels
and there was no on screen menu and no remote
control! You had to use a
little book called a TV Guide to find out what was
on! You were screwed when it
came to channel surfing! You had to get off
your ass and walk over to the TV to change the
channel and there was no
Cartoon Network either! You cou ld only get cartoons
on Saturday Morning. Do you
hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK
for cartoons, you spoiled
little rat-**stards!
And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat
something up we had to
use the stove or go build a frigging fire ..
imagine that! If we wanted
popcorn, we had to use that stupid Jiffy Pop thing
and shake it over the stove
forever like an idiot.
That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids
today have got it too easy.
You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted
five minutes back in 1980!
Regards,
The over 30 Crowd | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 3/17/2008 11:20:41 AM | Your Yearly Dementia Test
It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test.
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of
intelligence.
Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not.
The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.
OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.
1. What do you put in a toaster?
Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast,' give up now and do something else.
Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.
2. Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World.
However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3.
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house
is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said 'green bricks,' why are you still reading these???
If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4.
4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany .)
Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of 'no man's land' between East Germany and West Germany .
Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany , West Germany , or no man's land'?
Answer: You don 't bury survivors.
If you said ANYTHING else, you must stop. If you said,
'You don't bury survivors', proceed to the next question.
5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales . In London , 17 people get on the bus. In Reading , six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon , two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swan sea , three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?
Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!
Now pass this along to all your friends and pray they do better than
you.
PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!! | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 3/17/2008 11:23:08 AM | Has outsourcing gone too far?
I was depressed last night
so I called Lifeline.
Got a call center in Pakistan .
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck. | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 3/18/2008 7:45:08 AM | The psychology teacher had just finished a lecture on mental health and had proceeded to give an oral quiz to the students. Speaking specifically about manic depression, the teacher asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"
A young man in the rear of the room raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?" | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 3/18/2008 7:15:13 PM | A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road when all of a sudden the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer after seeing what happened went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.
A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and then asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?"
The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."
Another Whopper
A mother and father take their young son to the circus. When the elephants appear, the son is intrigued by them, and he turns to his mother and says, "Mom, what's that thing hanging between the elephant's legs?"
The mother is embarrassed, and says, "Oh, it's nothing, son."
So the son turns to the father and asks him the same question. The father replies, "It's the elephant's penis, son."
The son says, "Why did mom say it was nothing?"
The father draws himself up, and proudly says, "Son, I've spoiled that woman." | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 3/18/2008 7:15:36 PM | The Cannibal Joke
What do cannibals make out of politicians?
Bologna sandwiches. | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 3/18/2008 7:16:10 PM | Polish Air Disaster
API (Poland): A small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening. | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 3/19/2008 6:08:38 AM | They Won't Take "No" For An Answer
A Rabbi, a Hindu, and a telemarketer are in a car. They run out of gas and are forced to stop at a farmer's house. The farmer says that there are only two extra beds, so one person will have to sleep in the barn.
The Hindu says, "I'm humble, I will sleep in the barn." So, he goes out to the barn. In a few minutes, the farmer hears a knock on the door. It's the Hindu and he says, "There is a cow in the barn. It's against my beliefs to sleep with a cow."
So, the Rabbi says, "I'm humble, I'll sleep in the barn." A few minutes later, the farmer hears another knock on the door and it's the Rabbi. He says that it is against his beliefs to sleep where there is a pig and there is a pig in the barn.
So, the tele-marketer is forced to sleep in the barn. A few minutes later, there is a knock on the door.
It's the pig and the cow... | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 3/19/2008 6:08:58 AM | BumperSnickers
*I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
*If you don't like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk.
*Missing your cat? Try looking under my tire.
*WARNING: Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition. | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 3/20/2008 1:51:48 PM | This is absolutely the best thread I have ever read and I am only on page three. | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 3/20/2008 5:08:45 PM | | thanks.. when i started it as leadtek.. who knew... just hope everyone keeps adding.. its always a good thing the have a good laugh.. i love some of the jokes the people on here have added... incredible stuff... thanks to all and everyone of the people.. | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 3/20/2008 5:09:10 PM | Clue Me In
A guy goes into the store and says to the clerk, "I would like some Polish sausage."
The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"
The guy says, "Well, yes I am. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German sausage, would you ask me if I was German?" Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican?"
The clerk says, "Well, no."
The guys says, "Then why do you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?"
The clerk says, "Because this is a hardware store." | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 3/20/2008 5:10:36 PM | Folding the Flag
The daily routine aboard the USS Trenton off the Somali coast, transporting Marines and their cargo to and from shore, was disrupted by a visit from an admiral. Sam Rickabaugh was in charge of the 30-by-50-foot American flag.
After the admiral gave his speech and left, the flag was to be lowered. Sam had folded our national flag many times, but never one of this immense size. Fortunately, a group of Marines nearby was quick to help. One of them, Ramirez, immediately took charge, showing great pride with every meticulous fold.
"Where did you master the art of folding a flag this size?" Sam asked. "Are you on a special flag detail?"
"Actually," said Ramirez, "I learned this while working at McDonald's." | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 3/20/2008 5:11:25 PM | Quote of the Day
He is so clumsy, he tripped over a cordless phone. | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 3/21/2008 4:28:11 AM | Getting Ready
Early one evening a gentleman scuttled out to his garage and pulled the lawn furniture out onto the driveway. Shortly after followed the lawnmower, a few gardening tools and a bicycle.
A curious neighbor wandered over and asked if he was going to have a garage sale.
"No," replied the gentleman, "my son just bought his first car and right now he's out on a big date."
"So what's with all the stuff?" asked the neighbor.
"Well, after years of moving tricycles, toys and sports equipment out of the way every time I came home from work, I wanted to make sure the driveway was ready for him." | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 3/21/2008 4:28:41 AM | Overheard In The Locker Room
A guy says, "I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for women."
"Yeah what happened?" asked the other.
The first guy replies, "Well, I got my penis stuck in the neck of the bottle." | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 3/21/2008 4:29:19 AM | "Hey, Mom," asked Johnny "can you give me twenty dollars?"
"Certainly not."
"If you do," he went on, "I'll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop."
His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money. "Well? What did he say?"
"He said, 'Hey, Marie, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow.' " | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 3/21/2008 4:29:53 AM | A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.
The wife decided to make a wish too, but she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.
The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and said, "It really works!" | |
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