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Posted: 3/21/2008 8:56:53 AM | Friendship
None of that Sissy Crap
Are you getting tired of those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality?
Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.
You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card-
Just the stone cold truth of our friendship.
1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry **stard who made you sad.
2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile -- I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.
4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.
6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.
7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever it is that you have.
8. When you fall ---- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
9. This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask; because you are my friend.
Friendship is like peeing your pants.
Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth. | |
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Posted: 3/21/2008 11:06:27 AM | Bravo!!!!!!!!! Country girl
One day God was looking down at earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So he called one of his angels to go to earth for a time. When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not."
God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down another angel to get a second opinion."
So God called another angel and sent him to earth for a time, too.
When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true.
The earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good."
God was not pleased. So he decided to email the 5% who were good,
because He wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to
help them keep going.
Do you know what the email said?
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> No?
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Okay, just wondering. I didn't get one either. | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 3/22/2008 8:17:34 AM | Thanks Dave 
Subject: Poem To Mom--you'll love the Mom's reply
My son came home from school one day, with a smirk upon his face. He decided he was smart enough, to put me in my place...
Poem to MOM
Guess what I learned in Civics Two,
That's taught by Mr. Wright?
It's all about the laws today,
The 'Children's Bill of Rights'.
It says I need not clean my room,
Don't have to cut my hair
No one can tell me what to think
Or speak, or what to wear.
I have freedom from religion,
And regardless what you say,
I don't have to bow my head,
And I sure don't have to pray.
I can wear earrings if I want,
And pierce my tongue and nose.
I can read and watch just what I like,
Get tattoos from head to toe.
And if you ever spank me,
I'll charge you with a crime.
I'll back up all my charges,
With the marks on my behind.
Don't you ever touch me,
My body's only for my use,
Not for your hugs and kisses,
That's just more child abuse.
Don't preach about your morals,
Like your Mama did to you.
That's nothing more than mind control,
And it's illegal too!
Mom, I have these children's rights,
So you can't influence me,
Or I'll call Children's Services Division,
Better known as C.S.D.
Mom's Reply and Thoughts
Of course my first instinct was
To toss him out the door.
But the chance to teach him a lesson
Made me think a little more.
I mulled it over carefully,
I couldn't let this go.
A smile crept upon my face,
He's messing with a pro.
Next day I took him shopping
At the local Goodwill Store.
I told him, Pick out all you want,
There's shirts and pants galore.
I've called and checked with C.S.D.
Who said they didn't care
If I bought you K-Mart shoes
Instead of those Nike Airs.
I've canceled that appointment
To take your driver's test.
The C.S.D. is unconcerned
So I'll decide what's best.
I said, No time to stop and eat,
Or pick up stuff to munch.
And tomorrow you can start to learn
To make your own sack lunch.
Just save the raging appetite,
And wait till dinner time.
We're having liver and onions,
A favorite dish of mine.
He asked, Can I please rent a movie,
To watch on my VCR?
Sorry, but I sold your TV,
For new tires on my car.
I also rented out your room,
You'll take the couch instead.
The C.S.D. requires
Just a roof over your head.
Your clothing won't be trendy now,
I'll choose what we eat.
That allowance that you used to get,
Will buy me something neat.
I'm selling off your jet ski,
Dirt-bike and roller blades.
Check out the 'Parents Bill of Rights',
It's in effect today!
Hey hot shot, are you crying,
Why are you on your knees?
Are you asking God to help you out?
Instead of C.S.D.?
MOM
(Mean Old Mother) | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 3/23/2008 9:56:10 AM | Enforcing The Rules
Employed by the human-development center of a corporation in the Midwest, a recent college graduate trains employees in proper dress codes and etiquette.
One day as she was stepping onto the elevator, a man casually dressed in jeans and a golf shirt got on with her.
Thinking of her responsibilities, she scolded, "Dressed a little casually today, aren't we?"
The man replied, "That's one benefit of owning the company. | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 3/23/2008 9:56:24 AM | Taking Note
On his first day of classes at a university, a student took a front row seat in a literature course.
The professor told them they would be responsible for reading five books, and that he would provide them with a list of authors from which they could choose.
Then he ambled over to the lectern, took out his class notes and began, "Baker, Black, Brooks, Carter, Cook ... "
The student was working feverishly to get down all the names, when he felt a tap on his shoulder.
The student in back of him whispered, "He's taking attendance." | |
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Posted: 3/24/2008 6:41:20 AM | Schwartzenegger has a big one
Michael J. Fox has a small one
Madonna doesn't have one
The Pope has one but doesn't use his
Clinton uses his all the time
Mckey Mouse has an unusual one
George Burns' was hot
Liberace never used his on women
Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his
We never saw Lucy use Desi's
What is it?
Answer below!
The answer is: "A Last Name.
 | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 3/25/2008 5:33:05 AM | A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask
over his mouth and nose. A young, student nurse
appears to give him a partial sponge bath. Nurse', he mumbles, from behind
the mask. 'Are my testicles
black?'Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet.' He
struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles
black?'Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure
and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her
embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his
gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then,
she takes a close look and says, There's
nothing wrong with them, Sir!'The man pulls off his oxygen mask , smiles
at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very
much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......A r e - m y - t e s t -
r e s u l t s - b a c k? | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 3/25/2008 5:34:10 AM | Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home. Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely. When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby.' The mother said, 'Why, thank you, Little Johnnie. Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?'
'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.'
'That's great', said Little Johnnie…'cuz he'd be ****ed if he needed glasses'. | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 3/25/2008 10:47:18 AM | Home Cooked Meal
A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Then he asked, "Now what should I do?"
His mother had an idea and explained, "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your place for a home-cooked meal?"
He thought this was a great strategy and arranged a date for a week later.
His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had gone.
"The evening was a disaster," he complained.
"Why? Didn't she come over?" asked his mother.
"Oh, she came over," he explained, "but she refused to cook." | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 3/25/2008 10:47:38 AM | More Book Titles From amazing.com
"School Truancy," by Marcus Absent
"I Lost My Balance," by Eileen Dover and Phil Down
"Come On In!" by Doris Open
"Why I Eat At McDonalds," by Tommy Ayck | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 3/25/2008 10:48:11 AM | A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size "extra large" condoms.
He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"
She responds, "No, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"
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Quote of the Day
Strive to look tremendously important. | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 3/26/2008 12:00:08 PM | Don't Try This At Home, Kids
A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom & Pop" grocery store picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent.
The grocer walked over and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.
"Oh, no laundry," the boy said. "I'm going to wash my dog."
"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."
But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.
About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.
"Oh, he died," the boy said.
The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."
"Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."
"Oh? What was it then?"
"I think it was the spin cycle." | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 3/26/2008 12:00:34 PM | From the Rejected State Mottos List
MONTANA: Land of the Big Sky, and Very Little Else
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Quote of the Day
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental. | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 3/27/2008 5:24:40 AM | Insurance Money
A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. One day she picked up the urn he was in and poured him out on the counter.
Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "You know that fur coat you promised me, Irving?"
She answered by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money!"
She then said, "Irving, remember that new car you promised me?"
She answered again saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance money!"
Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving, remember that blowjob I promised you? Here it comes..." | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 3/27/2008 5:25:00 AM | Bared It All
Denver, Colorado - Dorothy Nelson was driving along minding her own business when police pulled her over for speeding. During the incident a check of Nelson's license showed that there was a warrant out for a female burglary suspect that matched Nelson. The crook, however, had a chest tattoo as an identifying mark.
Not wanting to go to the station, Nelson decided to prove her innocence on the spot, so she exposed her breasts to the officers (one male and one female). It was obvious that she wasn't the crook. She subsequently sued the police, claiming the officers violated her right to be free from unreasonable searches and her right to privacy. The appellate judges disagreed, saying she chose to do what she did. (Reuters)
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Quote of the Day
A hangover is the wrath of grapes. | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 3/29/2008 7:33:09 AM | The Prez and The Pope
President Clinton and the Pope died on the same day, and due to an administration foul up, Clinton was sent to heaven and the Pope to hell.
The Pope explained the situation to the Devil. He checked out all of the paperwork, called the Pearly Gates admitting office, and the error was acknowledged. The Pope was told, however, that it would take about 24 hours to fix the problem.
The next day the Pope was called in, the Devil said his good-bye, and he began his journey to heaven. Along the way, he met Clinton, who was on his way down. They stopped to chat.
The Pope said, "Sorry about the mixup. By the time you get to hell, it's really too late to save any souls."
Clinton replied, "No problem. I'm sure I'll be with more familiar company down below, anyway."
The Pope continued, "Well, I'm really excited about going to heaven."
"Why's that?" Clinton asked.
"All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary," the Pope replied.
"Oh," said Clinton. "I'm afraid you're a day late." | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 3/29/2008 7:33:37 AM | Stupid People Tricks
Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, N.J., in September, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, by a quarter-stick of dynamite that blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 a.m., the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but they apparently failed to notice that the window was closed. | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 3/31/2008 8:09:41 AM | | The lesbian Prayer: My vibro, which brings me heaven. Rabbit be thy name. Till Kingdom come, thy makest me cum, on earth with eyes on heaven. Give me this day my daily thrill, and forgive me my scream, as I forgive flat batteries. Lead me not into temptation, but deliver me from frustration. For thine is the rotation, the power and the buzzing, forever and ever, no men! | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 4/5/2008 5:05:40 PM | She Just Needed A Trim
A very short lady goes to her doctor's office complaining of an irritated crotch. After an examination the doctor sighs, "I don't seem to see any problem. Does it get better or worse at any time?"
"Yeah, its really bad whenever it rains," she replies.
"Well, then," says the Doc, "Next time it rains, get in here at once, and we'll take another look at it."
Two weeks later it's raining really hard, and the little lady shows up at the doctor's office. "Doctor, it's really bad today. Please you have to help me!"
"Well, let's have a look," he says as he lifts her up onto the table.
"Oh, yes, I see the problem. Nurse bring me a surgical kit. Don't worry ma'am this won't hurt a bit."
The short lady closes her eyes in painful anticipation. The doctor begins snipping away and finishes a few minutes later. "There you go, ma'am, try that."
She walks back and forth around the office and exclaims, "That's great, Doc, what did you do?"
To which the doctor replied, "I just took a couple of inches off the top of your rain boots." | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 4/5/2008 5:06:35 PM | An old farmer was hauling a load of manure when he was stopped by a state trooper. "You were speeding," the cop said. "I'm going to have to give you a ticket."
"Yep," the farmer said as he watched the trooper shoo away several flies.
"These flies sure are terrible," the trooper complained.
"Yep," the farmer said. "Them are circle flies."
"What's a circle fly?"
"Them flies that circle a horse's tail," answered the farmer. "Them are circle flies."
"You wouldn't be calling me a horse's ass, would you?" the trooper angrily asked.
"Nope, I didn't," the farmer replied. "But you just can't fool them flies." | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 4/5/2008 10:30:11 PM | you must have a twin.
"no, why would you think that?"
Cause no one could possibly be that stupid by themself. | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 4/6/2008 10:49:10 AM | Invest In Sex
An old retired man goes to his wife one day, and says to her, "I don't know how to tell you this dear, but the stock market crashed, and I'm afraid we're broke."
The wife says, "No, we're not. Let's go for a drive into town."
Her husband replies, "Our savings are all gone and you want is to go for a drive? Oh well, whatever. I guess you're crazier than me." So off they go into town.
When they get there the wife points and says, "See that office building? We own that."
The husband thinks his wife is nuts so he mumbles something unintelligible and drives to the next area of the city, which just happens to be the richest part of town.
The wife says again pointing, "See those five houses? We own those."
The husband is now sure his wife is certifiably crazy so he says, "What makes you think we own all this property?"
She replies, "Remember when we first got married and for jokes you would give me $5.00 every time we had sex? Well, I kept the money and invested it and 20 years later this is what has become of it all. Not bad, eh?"
He says, "Dammit woman, if I'd known you were this good with money I'd probably have given you all my business." | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 4/6/2008 10:49:49 AM | A Norwegian Limerick
There was a young girl from Norway
Who hung by her heels from the doorway
She said to her young man
"Get off the divan --
I think I've found still one more way." | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 4/8/2008 4:41:09 PM | C D C Alert:
The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a
highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted
orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weary
Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your
boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever -
DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life
completely.
If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave
the premises. Take two good friends to the nearest store and purchase
one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract
(WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the
antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from
your system | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 4/9/2008 4:28:47 AM | Tough Choices For A New Millenium
The boss at a small company called his employees together one day to give them some bad news. "I'm really sorry, but I'm going to have to let one of you go."
The black employee said, "I'm a protected minority. You don't want to go there."
A female employee countered, "And I'm a woman. Don't have to say any more."
The oldest employee, in his gruff, no-nonsense way, said, "Fire me, buster, and I'll hit you with an age discrimination suit so fast it'll make your head spin."
At this point they all turned to look at the helpless young, white, male employee, who thought for a moment, then responded, "I think I might be gay..." | |
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