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| heard this one
Posted: 4/9/2008 4:29:18 AM | Another Deep Thinker
"Do you know the present value of your husband's policy?" the life insurance salesman asked his client.
"What do you mean?" countered the woman.
"If you should lose your husband, what would you get?"
The woman thought a minute then brightened up and said, "A poodle!" | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 4/10/2008 4:24:12 AM | MALE VS. FEMALE AT
THE ATM MACHINE
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads: 'Please note
that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers
to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new
facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their
accounts.'
'After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE
Procedures have been developed.
Please follow the
appropriate steps for your gender.'
MALE
PROCEDURE:
color=red size=5>
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down
your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4.
Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash
and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
**********************************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
Unfortunately,
most of this part is the Truth!!!!
1. Drive up to
cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car
window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window
down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents On to passenger seat to locate
card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will
call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into
machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its
excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert
card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN
written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel
and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14.
Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and
receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate
wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register
and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19.
Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21.
Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card
into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty
look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine
and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell
phone
26. Drive
for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake. | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 4/10/2008 4:25:06 AM | Those Voices
Old man Murray goes to the doctor with a very worried look on his face.
"Doctor," he says, "You've got to help me. Do you remember those voices in my head I always complain about?"
"Yes," the doctor replies.
"Well they've suddenly gone away," Murray says.
"So what's the problem?"
"I think I'm going deaf." | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 4/10/2008 4:25:55 AM | Open To Interpretation
A guy found a magic lamp and naturally, rubbed it. The genie popped out and said, "I'll grant you any wish you want."
The guy thought and thought and finally gave his answer. "I want to be hard all the time and get all the ass I want."
"As you wish," the genie replied.
So, the genie turned him into a toilet seat. | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 4/10/2008 4:27:28 AM | The Hair Dryer
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the
Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?' 'Of course. What may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my
mother's birthday. The dryer is unopened and well over the Customs
limits; and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you
could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they reached the Customs area, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked: 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you
have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but
which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father.' | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 4/11/2008 4:26:33 AM | Madison Avenue Techniques
The advertising team of a company, selling top-of-the-line business computers, proposed sponsoring a major golf tournament on television.
When the ad campaign was approved without delay, a curious vice-president asked the head of the ad team how he had persuaded the usually reluctant Chairman Of The Board.
"It sold itself," the ad man said.
"How?" asked the vice-president.
The ad man explained, "When the Chairman first heard the idea, he asked, 'Why on earth would you want to sponsor a golf tournament? The only ones who watch them are people like me!' Then he paused and said, 'Oh.' " | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 4/11/2008 4:26:43 AM | Real Headlines
1. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
2. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
3. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
4. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
5. Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire
6. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
7. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
8. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
9. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 4/11/2008 4:27:02 AM | An out-of-towner in New York at the height of the tourist season decided to revisit an uptown restaurant he'd enjoyed on a previous trip to the city. Finally catching the eye of an overworked waiter, he said, "You know, it's been over five years since I first came in here."
"You'll have to wait your turn, sir," replied the harried waiter. "I can only serve one table at a time." | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 4/11/2008 4:28:10 AM | The minister arose to address his congregation. "There is a certain man among us today who is flirting with another man's wife. Unless he puts ten dollars in the collection box, his name will be read from the pulpit."
When the collection plate came in, there were 19 ten dollar bills, and a five dollar bill with this note attached: "Other five on payday."
Quote of the day
Do you believe in love at first sight? Do you need me to walk by you again? | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 4/15/2008 8:35:43 AM | POLK COUNTY FLORIDA SHERIFF GRADY JUDD
Some 'dirtbag' in Polk County Florida who got pulled over in a routine traffic stop ended up 'executing' the deputy who
stopped him. The deputy was shot eight times, including once behind his right ear at close range.
Another deputy was wounded and a police dog killed.
A statewide manhunt ensued.
The low-life was found hiding in a wooded area with his gun. SWAT team officers fired and hit the guy 68 times.
Now here's the kicker:
Naturally, the media asked why they shot him 68 times. Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd, told the Orlando Sentinel :
'That's all the bullets we had !!' | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 4/17/2008 7:11:14 AM | Three ladies all have separate boyfriends named Leroy.
One evening, while sharing a few drinks at the bar, one of the ladies suggests, "Let's name our Leroy's after a
soda pop, because I'm tired of getting my Leroy mixed up with your Leroy, and her Leroy mixed up with your Leroy."
The other two ladies agree.
The first lady speaks out, "Okay then, I'm gonna name my Leroy 7-Up because he has 7 inches and it's always up!"
The three ladies hoot and holler, and slap each other high five's.
Then, the second lady says, "I'm gonna name my Leroy Mountain Dew ... because he can mount and do me any day of the week."
Again, the three ladies hoot and holler, and slap each other more high five's.
The third lady then says, "You know, those two Leroy's were good, but I'm gonna name my Leroy, Jack Daniels."
The other two ladies shout in unison, "Jack Daniels?
That's not a soda pop ... that's a hard liquor!"
The third lady bursts out, "That's my Leroy!" | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 4/18/2008 12:22:57 PM | Three guys check into a hotel, but the clerk tells them that, because the lodge is fully booked, they’ll all have to share a bed. However, being completely exhausted, they decide to take it.
Next morning, the guy who slept on the left says, "Wow, I had the weirdest, most vivid dream. I dreamt I was getting a hand job!"
The bloke on the right says, "You too?"
The guy in the middle says, "You’re both disgusting. I had an ordinary dream. I dreamt I went skiing." | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 4/22/2008 7:55:12 AM | Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals to increase their diversity.
"You are all part of our team now," said the Human Resources rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any employees." The cannibals promised they would not.
Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and we have noticed a marked increase in the whole company's performance since you started. So, we are quite happy. Uh, however, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their heads, "No."
After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?"
A hand rose hesitantly.
"You fool!" the leader continued. "For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything......... But NOOOooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something!" | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 7/25/2008 10:37:59 AM | The doctor said, 'Bill, the good news is I can cure your headaches.
The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.
The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
Bill was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.
He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person.
He could make a new beginning and start a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... a new suit.'
He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44
long.' Bill laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.
Bill tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Bill admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'
Bill thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.' The salesman eyed Bill and said, 'Let's see 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
Bill was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!'
Bill tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. Bill walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'
Bill thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'
The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.'
Bill laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you; I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'
The salesman shook his head, frowning, 'You can't wear a size 34.
A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'
New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS | |
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| heard this one
Posted: 7/25/2008 11:21:29 AM | An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed Grandson I wanta you to listen to me. I wanta you to take mya 45 automatic pistol, so you will always remember me. But grandpa I really don't like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead.
You lisina to me, some day you goin a be runna da business, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple od bambino, some day you goina come hom and maybe finda you wife in bed with another man. Whata you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, "TIMES UP"? | |
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