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| Does having sex when you meet for the first time ruin a chance for a real relationship?
Posted: 9/24/2006 8:58:10 PM | | You read someone's bio and it reads looking for chemistry and friendship...looking for the real thing. He treats you with utter respect and you feel comfortable with him. It doesn't meen anything. The problem is you never really know if he means what he says. You can hold out for 10 dates and still he can dump you once he gets you. If a guy or girl is going to be a dog it could happen anytime, on the first date or while you are living together. Players are liars, but ladies don't feel bad or introverted. Eventually, the morals and character of a good man will surface. but don't hold your breath! I am not saying there are no real men out there, but they are smaller in numbers because of all the people on dating sights. Some men are fickle because they can pick and choose. If a man dumps you after the first 3 dates, he was probably dating others as well. If a man or women has the desire and the interest to stick around they won't dump you after having sex on the first date. Remember you don;t know anyones sexual history. So I guess what I am trying to say is do what is right for you and don't worry about the outcome. If it is real then you will get that next phone call. Hopefully it will be your next head over heels relationship. | |
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| Does having sex when you meet for the first time ruin a chance for a real relationship?
Posted: 9/25/2006 8:59:38 AM | Gonna disagree with you here LTBT, Sex is not the ultimate intimacy. Love is the ultimate intimacy. There is plenty of evidence that people (yes both men and women) can easily have sex with someone they don't love. It happens every single day.
Loving someone however, is a completely different animal, and when you love someone, you wouldn't even consider having sex with anyone else. Even if sex were removed from the equation (unfortunately it does happen for alot of reasons), you don't love them any less. Now that is the ultimate Intimacy no
I'm going to throw out a bone here.
You say sex is NOT the ultimate act of intimacy, but rather LOVE IS. I'm going to safely say many women, probably more so then men, equate sex with love, THEREFORE it would be the ultimate act of intimacy. It is if YOU CAN'T or WON'T separate the two elements. SEX for many is an expression of love, no?
The problem lies in, whether the two people can really be honest with each other when it comes down to knocking knees. How many men will really tell a woman "Look, I dig you, I want to have passionate sex with you, BUT I'm not going to call you tomorrow"?
Women are much more willing to say (whether spoken or NOT)..."I'm not willing to have sex with you, no matter how much I dig you, because I WANT something more than tonite. I want tomorrow and the next day too".
Women at least offer men that tidbit of information. Men often don't.
So, women are taking much more of a huge, huge chance, if say..we go with the flow, with our animal desires which we all have and need met. Because of the double standard that still exists today. This is where the games begin. You guys want it, we do, but not right away, and we have a choice... do it and hope that something will develop OR not do it and wait and wait and wait, weed through the one's we dig and hope will want more
Men aren't going to really care, not as much as women do. The scales are not tipped in our favor. Because of the dishonesty on soooo many men's parts. Women would just appreciate it, I think..if men would just fess up and say what they really want. I do, anyway. I would love to be afforded the option of whether I want to have sex with NO strings than waiting for what I think might be a relationship, when in fact, it's not what he ever wanted at all.
I dated a guy for about 3 months. Heard all the pretty lines...the sweet nothings whispered in my ear ALONG with the actual pseudo "I really dig you" relationship stuff..meeting parents, friends, time spent together AND WHAM...not even a week after we sealed the deal...the guy was gone. AND I DIDN'T SLEEP WITH HIM ON THE FIRST DATE!!! Not the first, second, third, or fifth.
I figured it out already. (my 40th birthday genie gave me immediate wisdom, I think ;)
It's a crap shoot. But the odds are against the relationship.  | |
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| Does having sex when you meet for the first time ruin a chance for a real relationship?
Posted: 9/25/2006 9:59:42 AM |
It's a crap shoot. But the odds are against the relationship
Anenigma, first off, happy belated birthday, and welcome to the 40's it is truly a wonderful age to be (it's the new 30, or haven't you gotten the memo?).
I can appreciate where you are coming from, simply because of what you have shared here, in your profile, and other threads I have read. But I am sorry I will have to agree to disagree with you here. Perhaps you have come to this conclusion based on your experiences, and I disagree based on mine.
Do alot of women equate love with sex, probably. Does that make it so? Not really. Do alot of men equate sex with love, probably. Does that make it so? Same answer. Sex is, and can be an expression of love, and it can be what it is, sex. If you cannot, or will not seperate the two, that is personal preference, and doesn't change what it is. In this instance, yes it boils down to communication. One has to freely be able to express what sex means to them, and their partner is either going to agree, disagree, or agree to disagree. If you toss your ideals away, like the proverbial baby with the bath water, in order to take a crap shoot, instead of being sure of what you want, getting what you want, and that you and your partner are in agreement, well then you cannot really complain if things don't work out as you wanted them to.
How many men will really tell a woman "Look, I dig you, I want to have passionate sex with you, BUT I'm not going to call you tomorrow"?
In all fairness Anenigma, how many woman ask this question? Yes I will concede that most women tend to be more forthcoming with their feelings than most men, but if you want the answer to a question, you have to ask the question no? If you assume, you have nobody to blame but yourself. And to be frank, I personally have had a very similar conversation with a woman before. I mentioned the situation in a previous thread. Yeah we ended up having sex, and we ended up being involved for 3 years. Even after the relationship was long over, we still joke about it.
If tidbits of information are not getting the job done, the simple question I would put forth is this; "How is that working for you, and what are you prepared to do about it?"
Again, I apreciate your candor regarding your feelings Anenigma, but I will agree to disagree. Women are at no greater risk then men. It takes two, and both are at the same risk, the risk they put themselves in, by their choice. If a double standard exists, it exists in your own mind, and you make yourself a slave to it, or not. Anyone who would hold you accountable to such nonsense, simply isn't worth your time, so why care what they think?
Men aren't going to really care, not as much as women do. The scales are not tipped in our favor. Because of the dishonesty on soooo many men's parts. Women would just appreciate it, I think..if men would just fess up and say what they really want. I do, anyway. I would love to be afforded the option of whether I want to have sex with NO strings than waiting for what I think might be a relationship, when in fact, it's not what he ever wanted at all.
This is something turning 40 still hasn't taught you yet (don't worry it comes in the handbook "Your first year past 40, how'd it go?" when you hit 41). Replace every single instance of the word "Men" or "Women", with the word "People", and you will have an invariabley more accurate statement. Do you honestly beleive that women, don't do these very same things? Let me tell you my newly 40yo friend, if I had a $5 for everytime a woman in the last 5 years tried to manipulate me into being either a FwB, or a FB, when I was looking for a LTR, I would be on vacation in Scotland right now instead of posting here. Again, I am going to go out on a limb here and assume (something I hate doing), that you come by this notion due to your life experience.
I am sorry to hear about your 3 month relationship, in all sincerity I really am, it sucks! But as I have said before, the heart doesn't have a calendar attached to it, so when it happens is not nearly as important, as when you feel it is right for you. And I am likewise sorry, but as you say yourself, doesn't matter whether it happens on the first date, second, or 5oth, when you are involved with a jerk, you are involved with a jerk, and you can do nothing other than to pick up the pieces, and try again. The important lesson to learn (was a hard one for me as well), is to not make the next person who comes into your life, pay for the sins of the ones from your past. You would be doing both yourself and him, a major injustice. Give people the benefit of the doubt, and plenty of rope. If they are inclined to hang themselves, they will do it in short order. I feel your frustration, and I think I understand it, so hence my reply. Sorry for being so verbose. Good luck!
Have fun ;)! | |
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| Does having sex when you meet for the first time ruin a chance for a real relationship?
Posted: 9/25/2006 6:26:22 PM | | Let's see,look at the stats...Is love really at first orgasm? I have thought this over and over again,I think,"if we ever get together it will be forever",but what happens...it ends. I can't figure it out and don't have an answer,but I really think it has something to do with getting to know the person as a friend first. If all a couple has is sex to hold them together it just won't work...Of course my opinion is,if I can wait until marriage to have sex with that person,then they might not turn me on,so the majic is to talk about it with one another and agree TOGETHER to wait until the time is right for the intercourse part...get that last line,the intercourse part. I think that couples that love each other and want to wait should try other means of pleasing each other than the joining of "two to become one". It just seems that sex is not the thing that causes dissention,but intercourse does....Just my opinion. | |
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| Does having sex when you meet for the first time ruin a chance for a real relationship?
Posted: 10/11/2006 10:55:22 PM | In my experience having sex on the first date has little to do with a relationship failing. All of us desire sex, desire that special feeling when we meet and have sex, and ultimatly have sex for our own personal reasons. Sex is a short term emotional/physical "fix", a relationship delves much deeper than physical desire.
I can tell anyone the second I want sex with them, however I have no clue about the relationship aspect until we spend real time together, living life, problems, traffic, friends, life style...there are so many things that effect relationships, yet so few things that trigger sex.
Why do the social engineers of life try to guilt us for our thoughts, passions, desires, and moments of joy? What is wrong with raw sex with a stranger; how can sex damage the fabric of society, damage a relationship, or cause global warming? It simply can not.
If I am horney, a woman is horney, we like each other, and desire carnal relations, what is wrong? How can a few minutes of intimacy "ruin a relationship"? It can't, in my opinion at least, if we get sex out of the way, we can concentrate on the relationship sooner: who wants to be in a relationship that has no intimacy? Conversley, who wants to have sex with someone they don't like?
Get over the social engineering shit and enjoy your passion people. When we are too old to screw, we will know if we made the right relationship choice now won't we? | |
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| Does having sex when you meet for the first time ruin a chance for a real relationship?
Posted: 10/11/2006 11:13:53 PM | The common thread here is connecting sex with love. I love sex, I love shall we say love (to avoid writing the same word 2 times in a row)
My opinion only, for what it is worth:
The trust of a successful relationship is "LIKE", not love. Like means that I like you when you are young and sexy, young and smart, and...the most important thing to me...I like you always. That means when we are too old for sex, too old for working, old period, too nieve or stupid to get life - I still like you.
I want a love that is based on my friendship of you first...because the sex, money, career, and good looks are all going to come to pass. What does our "love" or "sex" have then?
Having sex on the first date has all the relavence of having steak versus chichen for the meal. Who cares?
So you sex each other... Did you enjoy the moment? If I am a lousy lay but a good man, does this sway your decision?
If it does, and you can't stand a lousy lay, how is delaying this discovery adding to your well being? I would rather know up front you suck in the sack but rock at life before I made any "relationship" decisions.
How is it fair of me to judge you, your partnership acuman, how good of a person you are, or if we can have a "relationship" based on a one night fling in the sack? It is not fair to either of us.
So honey, if you want to jump my bones for fun or as a test run for a relationship then go for it. Just try to keep it in prespective: we are having sex, not a marriage. Sex takes minutes, marriage takes a life time of work. | |
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| Does having sex when you meet for the first time ruin a chance for a real relationship?
Posted: 10/12/2006 10:13:16 AM |
As I am sure any guy on here will agree, the simple answer is 'no'. Having sex when you meet for the first time will NOT ruin any chance for a real relationship. In fact, I would go further to say, and I am sure I have the full support of all men on here when I say this, that having sex the first time you meet can do nothing but good for the relationship.
I would agree. I am a man. I always want to have sex. I dont want sex without strings. However I respect my dates, and would never push them for sex. If she offered it on the first date, that wouldnt hurt her chances with me at all. If i wasnt into her and thought that we wouldnt make a good couple, I would turn her down (for sex). | |
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| Does having sex when you meet for the first time ruin a chance for a real relationship?
Posted: 10/13/2006 2:20:33 PM |
Sorry for being so verbose. Good luck!
Have fun ;)!
Verbose? Yes
True? Yes-yes.
We (women) do have a tendency to paint ourselves victims and I agree. Subsitute "him/her" with "person" and you're right. Whole new flavor to the situation.
Glad to see you weren't decapitated in that accident and where in the cotton-pickin' tarnation did you get THAT halloween costume???
;o)
Have a good one and thanks for the verbosity... | |
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| Does having sex when you meet for the first time ruin a chance for a real relationship?
Posted: 10/13/2006 6:22:19 PM | No.
I had sex with my ex-husband the first night and he moved in weeks later and we were married for 14 years. Our marriage was a typical one at the end........we didn't have sex for a year and a half!! I am not going to get into why but sufficest to say that when we first separated 7 months ago I made up for lost time. I didn't sleep with jerks and sometimes it was more than once. I wanted to have intimacy but wasn't ready for a relationship. I just wanted to rediscover that side of me and it was something I needed to get out of my system. Better sooner than later! I am a big girl afterall. Now that I think I am ready for a relationship I choose to be intimate with a man that falls into the categories on my "Wish List" and that I am VERY attracted to physically and emotionally hoping that these feelings will be returned and waalaaah there you have it............... CHEMISTRY!!!!
I don't want to find out after so long that we don't have sexual chemistry. Everyone has different desires and needs sexually. You don't want to find out down the road that she can't orgasm without being spanked and you think that's cruel or that he spends more money on his lingerie than you do.  I am not judging.......I am only stating a case that everyone has different needs and preferences. | |
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| Does having sex when you meet for the first time ruin a chance for a real relationship?
Posted: 10/13/2006 6:43:24 PM | no, but other things on the first date might , going out with with a wimp who is already got his petty values installed . or to find out she well do a dog too, you have to have a brain if you want respect ,it,s not how long you say no , if you already did the bar i don,t see why the first or last date makes a difference . i have never broke up with a girl for loveing me from the start .. | |
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| Does having sex when you meet for the first time ruin a chance for a real relationship?
Posted: 10/13/2006 7:04:41 PM | Since the likelihood of having coffee when you first meet is about 1,000,000 times higher than having sex when you first meet I think that a serious discussion on having/not having coffee is a lot more relevant.
There are some deep questions here...
If a guy puts on the pressure for coffee will it kill the prospects of him as a future "coffeemate"?
What if its her thats making the moves! (toward Starbucks)
What if the coffee is cold & bitter vs. hot and sweet?
What does the type of coffee he/she drinks tell you about them?
Are decaf lovers just fooling themselves?
What if his/her taste in coffee is somewhat "exotic"?
What if he is into "smoothies" instead? (maybe its a religion thing?...)
Could you even consider a biscotti without having first shared at least a "regular" with this person?
What if this leads to discovering they have a nutmeg/cinnamon habit?
Should you just stick to regular until you know each other better? Then go for the triple latte? | |
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Ms. Me
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Joined: 10/21/2006
Msg: 343 | |
| Does having sex when you meet for the first time ruin a chance for a real relationship?
Posted: 10/27/2006 9:27:16 PM | | I think it definitely does. I mean the two might keep seeing each other but it's only sex they will ever have in common, in my opinion. Forget about developing a real friendship and getting to know each other cause I think if the whole thing started off with sex, it will stay as sex. It's simply only based on sex. A guy's ultimate goal is to see a girl so he can have sex. If he gets it right away he won't have the drive to get to know the girl anymore, cause he got what he wanted right away. So he gets bored, and moves to the next one. But this is only the way I see it, others might see it different. | |
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| Does having sex when you meet for the first time ruin a chance for a real relationship?
Posted: 10/27/2006 10:47:00 PM |
YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE SEX UNTIL AFTER YOU ARE MARRIED. HAVING SEX EARLY IN A RELATIONSHIP ONLY SPEEDS THINGS UP AND ARE SET-UP FOR FAILING. IF A WOMAN IS GOING TO DROP HER PANTIES EARLY FOR YOU! SHE IS GOING TO BE MORE THAN WILLING TO DROP THEM FOR THE NEXT GUY WHO COMES AROUND WINING AND DINING HER!
Please keep in mind what I am about to say is coming from a guy.
That remark from Milldog is the most chauvanistic, judgemental, and disgusting remark I've ever heard from a guy. I'm ashamed to call myself a Guy after hearing that!
So, Milldog, does that mean that if you drop YOUR tighty-whiteys for a woman on a first date, that you'll do it for any other woman? That would make you a lousy prospect too, then, wouldn't it?
Bottom line is this..................if two people are so into each other that they make a mutual decision to do whatever with each other, that is THEIR business. Neither you, nor me, nor anyone else has the right to sit in judgement over those two people!!!
Two of my best friends, Tony and Lita, went at it on their first date. They have been together ever since, and that was 14 years ago! They now have 3 kids, own their own home in Honolulu, Hawaii, he is a very successful computer programmer and she is a work-from-home mom!
Think about that the next time you open your mouth. Next time, your foot might have grown by a few inches and might be harder to swallow!
Mitch | |
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| Does having sex when you meet for the first time ruin a chance for a real relationship?
Posted: 10/27/2006 10:59:41 PM | I am going to repeat my previous post on this topic.................
I had one relationship that lasted for over 4 years, and we slept together the first night we met. I had another relationship that lasted 2 months, and we never slept together at all.
There is a misconception that when people sleep together the first night they meet that they don't respect themselves or each other. Whether or not someone has sex with a person is NO WAY an indicator of who respects whom. It is the REASON behind having sex on a first date that is the indicator.
It's no different than if a woman goes out to dinner with a man she can't stand, but does so because the man is her best friend's brother, and her best friend begged her to go out with him. The woman doesn't respect the man. She's just going out as a favor.
A couple of people could go out and have sex with each other just for the sake of fulfilling a physical need to have sex with SOMEONE for that night. They may not even stand each other. They are just using each other, physically.
On the other hand, a couple could get together for the first date and have sex later that night because they feel passionately attracted to each other on ALL levels - physical, emotional, spiritual, mental. They respect each other. They simply chose to let go of all inhibitions and enjoy each other.
In the grand scheme of things, it's better to look at the REASONS behind what we do, rather than simply what we do, before we decide what is right and what is wrong.
Sincerely, Mitch | |
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| Does having sex when you meet for the first time ruin a chance for a real relationship?
Posted: 10/28/2006 5:57:51 AM | I really don't think that there are "rules". I admit I did this once. I met a man, he was just gorgeous and I asked HIM if he wanted to. It was great we would meet once a week for the physical needs and that was all . But as we women often do, I started to "feel" for him. Stupid. Then, he accused me of trying to, oh what were the words....."Make him get addicted to me?" What the hell does that mean? Alas, it didn't work out....ok, life lessons....I found myself attracted to the most emotionally unattached man I had ever met. It was bound to end, as I had not "chased" a man before, didn't know the "rules". Anyway, it was great sex though...must admit I have not done that again. When I meet men, I tell them that I have a "fourty-day" rule. Usually makes the guy run. Which is great for me, then I know the intentions were only for sex. .....Damn, do I miss having sex. It's been years....Sometimes when I meet these men, my hormones jump out of my skin, but I have to rememeber what I did wrong with the last guy I met  .....  | |
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