| Men.. Do you have to have the chase?
Posted: 2/27/2006 2:19:09 AM | i'm with all the guys here who's not agreeing with the book of choice. ok first off, i'm not really in a hurry to be in a relationship right now, that's why i believe that i can see (and keep on seeing) several women. so last saturday, despite the fact that a couple of women i'm talking to were presently in the bar where i'm at, this girl (who wasn't on my radar)obviously showed why i have to give 110% attention towards her. it was pretty hard since i had to go on a "stealth mode" away from the spying eyes but she totally stole their thunder that night. she was pretty smooth about it too..as i passed her way she suddenly jumped and pointed towards the floor. i thought i bumped her and she acidentally dropped of her cigarette but in reality she just wanted me to notice her....and the rest was historaaah!
depends on the guy though..if he's into physical intimacy the first night, then it shouldn't be a problem to approach our kind at all!  | |
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| Men.. Do you have to have the chase?
Posted: 2/27/2006 2:43:01 AM | Will you are like the 7 old wise men on the Zelda games, minus the cool wooden staves and jedi wanabe robes.
I agree with almost every guy on here. Those books are just the cause of much heartache for guys, while some of us have patience that never runs out, the vast majority don't. I have enough patience to sit and wait for something for a couple weeks, but i don't have the patience to play the chase. It's just anoying, counter-productive, and slowly becomes a major waste of my time. There's also that sexual harrassment, stalking, and the like laws of them to deal with. If we chase the wrong one, that was coming onto the guy behind us, we go to jail, lot of good the chase did. | |
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| Men.. Do you have to have the chase?
Posted: 2/27/2006 6:32:31 AM | I think books like that in the OP are basically just a way for women to rationalzie their failed dating experiences and in this case to reinforce the games people play.
Mots people deep down I think want an honest genuine loving healthy relationship. But most are afraid of the responsibility, accountability, etc. that that entails. Much easier to to blame someone else and deflect the pain of admitting one's own shortcomings or dealing with diffuclt uncomfrtable emotions.
That being said... there's no point in chasing. I used to hate the chase but go along thinking that as a guy I "had" to. Now, if after a few exchanges with a woman I feel I'm "chasing" I say "I don't have time for these stupid games..."
And there's nothing better than a woman who I feel has "potnetial" just being honest and saying the feeling is mutual... unfortunately most people would rather play games and dance around issues than be this straightforward. And in the case of women and dating, society unfortuantely does a lot to reinforce that women have to play the "don't let him know you're into him" game. | |
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| Men.. Do you have to have the chase?
Posted: 2/27/2006 6:33:33 AM | | If i lived in Canada or U.S.A i would have blisters on my feet...I cannot believe how many beautiful women there are on POF representing those countries. But yeh i always do the chasing when we get out of the shower,cause i have my towel rolled up first. | |
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| Men.. Do you have to have the chase?
Posted: 2/27/2006 6:58:58 AM | | Those books are dating propoganda bullsh*t!!! Not all guys are like that. Why do you think men get so sick of women reading those damn magizine's that tell them "The 10 ways to keep your man happy" and stuff. It's all ridiculous. These write take a theory and run with it, over sensationalizing it all the while, and then they pass it over as fact. The fact is no two men are exactly the same just like no two women are. We need to stop reading the books and start listening to one another. | |
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| Men.. Do you have to have the chase?
Posted: 2/27/2006 7:29:30 AM | | In my opinion the chase is the best part of true love! On the other hand, the chase can also lead to a man getting his spoils but not thinking it was worth it. What then? So i prefer fate what's gonna happen is gonna happen, | |
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| Men.. Do you have to have the chase?
Posted: 2/27/2006 8:16:25 AM | Initial chase has to happen in order to make both parties aware that someone is interested.
After that if both parties are interested they should make almost equal effort in chasing each other.
If only one person is chasing than they will get bored or figure that the other person is not interested.
Hell I'm to the point of if I'm IM'ing someone and start off with 'Hey there, how are you.' and they only respond with 'Hi'. Than I close the window and do something else, even if I've been chatting with the person on a regular basis. | |
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| Men.. Do you have to have the chase?
Posted: 2/27/2006 8:23:22 AM | ^^^^^^^ lol... pretty hard to play the old favorite feme game, the venerable "C'mere C'mere, C'mere, No!... Go'way, Go'way Go'way.. NO!... C'mere.. No! Go'way....No!..." thing, when the guy's not in "snapping at the lure" mode isn't it?
IT'S NOT LAZINESS, we've just been played "silly bugger" with once to often!! | |
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| Men.. Do you have to have the chase?
Posted: 2/27/2006 8:49:14 AM | That's even worse. It is overgeneralizing then that keeps guys from acting naturally. Nice!
While you sit at home making "all" the women pay for your past experiences other guys are getting all the action. your choice at the end of the day.....
It's as Dartguy said:
Initial chase has to happen in order to make both parties aware that someone is interested.
After that if both parties are interested they should make almost equal effort in chasing each other.
I think that attitude is the healthiest...but that is just what I think. | |
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| Men.. Do you have to have the chase?
Posted: 2/27/2006 8:51:49 AM | ducimus- yet more of the true story!
We're not lazy girls, were just tired of the games, BS, and shenanigans... after enough of your time has been wasted you start to have no tolerance for it anymore. You throw your line out, if the exchanges aren't straightforward or seem one-sided you drop her... | |
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| Men.. Do you have to have the chase?
Posted: 2/27/2006 8:59:35 AM | | This is not rocket science folks!!! My goodness, there is almost a book in this thread, for something that is very simple. The human element though is to complicate the hell out of everything. Take away the game and the frills and you are left with the real people standing there and communicating with each other as to how they feel about one another. SIMPLE! Keep it that way!!! | |
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| Men.. Do you have to have the chase?
Posted: 2/27/2006 9:02:44 AM | You know what it boils down to? A lot of people spend a lot of time and energy chasing after time wasters, the signs were there right from the get-go but they refuse to see them because "oh she/he is so hot, has such a nice car, I will be the envy of my girlfriends if I land this hunk, has such a cool career, the best set of tits.....YOU NAME IT" so they get blinbed by bullshiiit and forget to see the glaring white elephant. Then they get deeply hurt, and the change in attitude happens. So now it's just easier to treat everyone with the same attitude and assume everyone is a time waster. There is one word for that "jaded". Being smart about how one approaches dating is very differen from going to the opposite side of the spectrum simply to avoid getting played/hurt again, and it appears this is what the human tendency is.
If you don't believe me look at some of the RIDICULOUS questions being asked in some of the threads here. And don't tell me POF is NOT a good representation of what people go through, it is SINGLE people from all walks of life from all over the world pretty much regurgitating the same old crap that happens to them and wondering "why me?" Coincidence? i think not. Good representation? you bet! | |
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| Men.. Do you have to have the chase?
Posted: 2/27/2006 9:04:26 AM | I prefer it when its the other way around. I have no problem making first contact, but the gal who pursues the hardest gets my attention. So nice when the tables are turned | |
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mako28
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Joined: 2/23/2006
Msg: 117 | |
| Men.. Do you have to have the chase?
Posted: 2/27/2006 9:07:04 AM | | Keep in mind that people are different. People will define love for themselves. While the chase and relationship dynamics are something that I need, for some it is a deterrent. This doesn't make any certain "method" right or wrong. My fathers’ relationship with his wife would drive me nuts! I would be bored out of my mind! But he is happy and wouldn't ask for anything more. My mothers' perspective is much like mine. (This is probably one of the reasons they divorced). Point is, if you despise chasing after someone...don't! Just realize that some people want to...you are not going to be able to change this. The more you try to "prove" yourself by being absolutely there for everything the more you will push away. People like me need someone to "bounce off of". | |
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| Men.. Do you have to have the chase?
Posted: 2/27/2006 9:56:06 AM |
BINGO!!! ^^^ thank you for your honesty I'm afraid this is what plagues most guys today, sheer laziness.
I am so lazy I used to get my ex to pull off the toilet paper for me | |
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| Men.. Do you have to have the chase?
Posted: 2/27/2006 11:10:15 AM | I think sexyandbrainy makes a good point.
You have got to look at each individual, AS THEY ARE.
To be even the least little bit succesful one must be a good judge of character.
Lumping all men or women into one thing or another is simply silly.
The way people play the game of love is a lot like poker.
Everyones trying to get the most they can from the cards they are dealt.
But without letting anyone else know exactly what they've got.
The problem is we are all convinced we were dealt loosing hands.
So everyone's bluffing.
The only way to really win, is to stop playing the silly game. | |
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| Men.. Do you have to have the chase?
Posted: 2/27/2006 12:39:59 PM | Maybe i'm just a dumd guy.... I say "hi" to a girl and she "bolts," I tend to take that as a definite sign of disinterest. I dont take it as a hint to chase her down. I think I gave that up about the same time as I gave up putting bubblegum in girls hair cause I thought they were cute.
If the girls want to go with the old cave-man-persuit-impulse theme for mate selection, OK... that'll be fine, but dont be suprised if after catching you I then wonk you on the noggen with a stick and drag you back to my cave. And remember, Neanderthalls dont have word for foreplay.
Be careful what you wish for. | |
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| Men.. Do you have to have the chase?
Posted: 2/27/2006 12:59:44 PM | Perhaps too many men AND women are simply jaded from past experience and wind up projecting their failures into fresh relationships as if they were inevitable to begin with.
It just may be that too many people are not ready emotionally to take on a new relationship and actually be FAIR in how they treat prospective partners.
It's like the old "chain is only as strong as the weakest link" adage.
OT: I love the beginning stage when the two people are "feeling each other out" but I do not like the "chase" per se. | |
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lohki
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Joined: 7/22/2005
Msg: 122 | |
| Men.. Do you have to have the chase?
Posted: 2/27/2006 3:44:56 PM | ah,, the c h a s e.
rolls off my tongue like a tiny melting ice cube.
I am ~part boy on this one.
I H A V E to have the chase... which by the by is much different than a game.
I like to know I can't HAVE him.. otherwise..pfft
ohkay * sardonic ~nodding~
I'm of the notion that if he holds 60 percent of the 100% of available power
~my 40 will be right along for the ride.
ha
turnin tables one at a time! | |
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| Men.. Do you have to have the chase?
Posted: 2/27/2006 4:01:29 PM | i love it when women chase me and try to rip my clothes off .. in my dreams .. but this would be easiest ..
do they have any singles dances in Toronto where men stand on one side of the dance floor, and women stand on the other side of the dance floor, and the caller calls for women to choose their partner? ..
maybe we we should have a PoF - MEN DON"T WANT TO CHASE NO MORE - dance party .. | |
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| Men.. Do you have to have the chase?
Posted: 2/27/2006 4:11:38 PM | Chasing after women does not work. Yes, she might gain a sense of cheap satisfaction from having a man go through hoops to get her, but chasing does nothing to make her attracted. Chasing kills attraction.
Consider this:
A woman loses interest on the biological level known as attraction when a man chases, BUT on a social ego-centric level she enjoys it. Don't confuse what she likes on an instinctive level with what she likes on the social level. One will lead her into the bedroom, one will not.
Even more interesting:
A man does not lose attraction when a woman chases. It is just that on a social level he is confused because so few women do that, which MAY cause him to withdraw. Don't confuse this withdrawal with actual loss of interest/attraction (which is what happens when a man chases a woman). It is just confusion he feels due to the upsetting of social norms, and due to what he is (wrongly) taught about the way things should go down.
Women are supposed to pursue men for sex and relationships. Men are only supposed to attract. That's it. Doing it this way is what keeps both parties sane, and that is the only way the roles will play out without causing hatred, anger, and confusion on both sides. | |
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YogiZ
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Joined: 2/23/2006
Msg: 125 | |
| Men.. Do you have to have the chase?
Posted: 2/27/2006 4:21:00 PM | *Panting*
Did I miss anything?! ;)
Cheers for a fantastic subject! Despite my ill feelings towards books like the one in question, ANYTHING that gets the sexes talking to one another ABOUT one another is a good thing, I suppose.
To answer the first question before rambling on, I dig it when women approach me with interest as much as I dig approaching women. To me, these women are a sign of human evolution at its best. IMHO, books like "He Just Not Into You" promote the exact opposite. Instead, they fool women into believing that they are 'empowered' when in reality they are mostly handing their power over to strangers. ("In Self-Help Book Do We Trust", so to speak.)
Self-help books replaced everyday common-sense and rational thinking a looooooong time ago. Tripe such as "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" convinced so many folks to jump on the easy-to-digest bandwagon as if it were the next Ten Commandments handed down from God on the Mount. It was almost as if there was a collective sigh of reilef: "Thank GOD we don't have to use our own brains anymore!"
In their defense, some self-help books are well-intended, but one has to remember that no matter whether it is a man, a woman, or a man and a woman who them, at the end of the day, you're listening to an OPINION. Period. Just because many people think it makes sense and, therefore, choose to BELIEVE doesn't make it any more valid. (Jim Jones massacre, anyone?)
We've gradually done a fantastic job of self-sabotage over the past 30 years or so, so much so that 'women's intuition' has been replaced by 'Oprah's Intuition', and men have gone from being aggressive go-getters to being mostly passive, apologetic simpletons. Feminism should've evolved to the merging of the sexes to a common objective, but has instead created a game of US vs THEM and an overall fear of one another.
(And I'm making that last statement as a man who grew up in awe of and evenutally having met Gloria Steinem, who happens to agree with me.)
I would hope that sites like this (that obviously have a good share of thinking people -- props to Will!) would be a chance to reverse the damage done by "The Rules" and moronic gender limitations. Instead, here we are discussing a book that only partially gets it right. I don't know which is scarier: a younger generation of women getting their hands on this material, or the older.
It IS entertaining stuff though. ;) | |
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