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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 4/12/2006 6:25:10 AM | A teacher asks her class to use the word ‘contagious’. Roland, the class
nerd-burger, gets up and says, “Last year I got the measles and my Mum said
it was contagious”.
“Well done, Roland,” says the teacher. “Can anyone else try?”
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, “My grandma says there’s a
bug going round, and it’s definitely contagious”. “Well done, Katie,” says
the teacher. “Anyone else”?
“I’ve got one,” says little Irish Shaun, jumping up and speaking in a broad
accent, “Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two-inch Brush
and my Dad says it will take the contagious.” | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 4/21/2006 3:42:33 AM | A young man takes three women home to his mum and says I have finally married!!!..."Yes, I know", she replies...but HOW mum, how could you possibly know which one I have married?...ITS THE ONE IN THE MIDDLE, CAUSE I DON'T LIKE HER!!! | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 4/21/2006 5:00:47 AM | Kangaroo walks into a pub to buy a beer,publican says $9 and says "dont see to many kangaroos in this pub",kangaroo says"not ****en surprised at these prices". | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 4/21/2006 5:43:51 AM | A woman was in a coma for several month's. One day the nurses noticed a slight response while washing her fanny.
They rushed to her husband and explained suggesting a little oral sex might bring her round, to which he agreed. A few minutes later her monitor flat lined, no pulse or heart rate. The nurses rushed in "what happened" they cried, the husband said "I'm not sure, she may have choked"!!!  | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 4/21/2006 5:55:21 AM | | A doctor is giving a lady an exam.She is complaining of pain in her vagina.The doc says hes going to need to numb it...So he gos down on her and goes num num num num. | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 4/21/2006 6:05:22 AM | A woman comes home and tells her husband,
" Remember those headaches I've been having
all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks,
"What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist.
He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and
repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache,I do
not have a headache.'It worked! The headaches are all gone."
The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't
been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these
last few years. Why don't you go see the
hypnotist and see if he can do anything for
that?" The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes
home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and
carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on
the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a
few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes
passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back
and round two was even better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in
the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and
saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife.
She's not my wife!"
His funeral service will be held on Monday | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 4/21/2006 6:07:18 AM | During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher says to her
students: "If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent
family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the Men's Room, what
would you say to her?"
Mike replies: Wait a minute. I'm going for a piss.
The teacher says: "That would be very rude and improper on your part."
Johnny replied: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet. I'll be back in a
minute."
The teacher says: "That's much better but to mention the word 'toilet'
during a meal, is unpleasant."
And Charlie says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go
shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope, to be able to introduce
to you after dinner."
The teacher passed out. | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 4/21/2006 7:03:34 AM | A blonde, down on her luck, decided to end it all one night by casting
herself into the cold, dark waters of Fremantle Harbour.
As she stood on the edge of the dock, pondering her fate, a young sailor
noticed her as he strolled by. "You're not thinking of
jumping, are you?" he jokingly asked.
"Yes, yes I am." replied the blonde. Putting his arm around her, the kind
sailor coaxed her back from the edge, "Look, nothing's
worth that. I tell you what, I'm sailing off for Europe tomorrow. Why don't
you stow away on board and start a new life over there. I'll set you up in
one of the lifeboats on the deck, bring you food and water every night,
and I'll look after you if you 'look after' me."
The blonde, having no better prospects agreed and the sailor snuck her on
board that night. For the next 3 weeks the sailor would
come to her lifeboat every night, bringing food and water and making love
to her until dawn.
Then, during the fourth week, the captain was performing
a routine inspection of the ship & it's lifeboats. He peeled back the
cover to find the startled young blonde and demanded an explanation.
The blonde came clean and shouted "I've stowed away to get to Europe. One
of the sailors is helping me out, he set me up in here
and brings me food and water every night, and, and.......he's screwing
me."
The puzzled captain stared at her for a moment before a small grin cracked
his face and he replied; ".He sure is darlin', this is the
Rottnest Ferry!! | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 4/21/2006 7:53:45 AM | A Northern Territory farm-hand radios back to his farm manager.
"Boss, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a pig with the ute. The
pig's okay, but he's stuck in the bullbar at the front of my ute and
is wriggling and squealing so much I can't get him out."
The manager says "Ok, there's a 303 behind the seat. Take it, shoot
the pig in the head and you'll be able to remove him."
Five minutes later the farm hand calls back.
"I did what you said boss. Took the 303, shot the pig in the head
and removed him from the bull-bar. No problem there, but I still
can't go on."
"Now what's the f...k'n problem?" raged the manager.
"Well boss, it's his motor-bike. The flashing blue light is stuck
under the right-front wheel arch." | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 4/21/2006 1:33:16 PM | A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks out into a house to look for money and a gun and finds a young couple in the bed.
He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too!!" | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 4/21/2006 5:18:31 PM | A bloke is in a queue at the Supermarket when he
notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has
just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.
He is rather taken back that such a looker would be
waving to him, and although familiar he can't place
where he might know her from, so he says "Sorry, do
you know me?"
She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you
might be the father of one of my children!"
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has
been unfaithful, "Christ!" he says "are you that
stripogram on my stag night that I shagged on the
snooke r table in front of all my mates whilst your
mate whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a
cucumber up my a***?"
"No" she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher" | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 4/21/2006 6:22:50 PM | For the marriedies out there...
Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the
other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go
home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I
get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.
Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get
undressed
in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to
prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL Wakes Up,
and yells at me for staying out so late!
"His buddy looks at him and says "Well, you're obviously taking the
wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the
steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my
shoes in the closet, undress
In the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say, "WHO'S
HORNY????!!!" and she acts like she's sound asleep.
It Works EveryTime!! | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 4/26/2006 3:06:43 PM | ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, "Well your Honour, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are Comin' and I grinned."
"Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling', and I had to smile.
"Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick" and I could hardly contain myself."
"BUT, your Honour, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it."
"CASE DISMISSED!!" | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 4/27/2006 2:19:45 AM | Tarzan , and cheetah the chimp ,were out hunting one day , when they came across the biggest lion they had ever seen.
The lion attacks tarzan relentlessly , rips off both his arms , rips out his eyes and tears off his penis !
Cheetah gathers up some of his jungle friends , to perform some jungle surgery , to save Tarzans life.
They give him a set of eyes from an eagle , a pair of arms from a gorilla , and sew on an elephant trunk for a penis.
When Tarzan wakes from his coma , Cheetah asks tarzan how the replacement parts are going for him.
( in tarzan voice )
With eagle eye , Tarzan see far..
With gorilla arms , Tarzan strong !
But Tarzan not like new wee-wee -
Cheetah , amased - thinking that would be the best attribite , asks him Why ?
New Tarzan wee-wee picks up weeds and puts in tarzans bum . | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 4/27/2006 2:58:29 AM | have you heard that salman rushdie has a new book out?
it's called "buddha you fat fckk!" | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 4/27/2006 5:33:09 AM | A man outside a delivery room was waiting to see his baby...
The midwife walks in with a black baby and says "is this yours?"
He replied, " Probably, she fuk'n burns everything else!!!!!" | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 4/28/2006 6:35:59 PM | | A set of keys and a bra go into a bar the keys askes the barman for 2 beers, the barman says sorry i cant serve you, the keys say why not, the barman says, well you look like your about to start something and your friend is off her tits. | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 4/28/2006 10:03:06 PM | A guy with a 25-inch penis went to a doctor and said, "I can't live
> with this penis anymore! It's too long." The doctor replied, "I can't do
> anything for you, but if you see the witch doctor in the bayou, she can
> help you."
>
> So, he went to the bayou and saw the witch doctor. The witch doctor
> said, "Go into the swamp and find a female frog. Ask her to marry you.
> She'll say "No", and you'll lose 5 inches off your member!"
>
> So, he went to the swamp and found the frog and asked her, "Will you
> marry me?" "No!", she said. He lost 5 inches off his member! The guy
> liked the results, but thought, 20 inches is just too much.
>
> So he asked the frog again, "Will you marry me?" The frog said, "No!"
> And the guy lost another 5 inches. He thought, God, 15 inches is great,
> but 10 inches would just be perfect. So again he asked, "Will you
marry
> me?"
>
> And the frog said, "How many times do I have to tell you. ..NO! NO!
> NO!" | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 4/28/2006 10:03:50 PM | >>When you occasionally have a really bad day, (for some it's every day) and
>>you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you
>>know,
>>take it out on someone you don't know.
>>
>>I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to
>>make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello."
>>I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"
>>
>>Suddenly a maniacal voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f**in
>>number!"
>>And the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could
>>be
>>so rude.
>>
>>When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had
>>accidentally transposed the last two digits.
>>
>>After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
>>When
>>the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an ***hole!" and hung
>>up.
>>
>>I wrote his number down with the word '***hole' next to it, and put it in
>>my
>>desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a
>>really
>>bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an ***hole!" It always cheered
>>me up.
>>
>>When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "***hole calling"
>>would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John
>>Smith
>>from Verizon. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID
>>Program?"
>>He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and
>>said, "That's because you're an ***hole!"
>>
>>One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
>>Some
>>guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently
>>waited
>>for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but
>>the
>>idiot ignored me.
>>
>>I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window which included his phone
>>number, so I wrote down the number.
>>
>>A couple of days later, right after calling the first ***hole (I had his
>>number on speed dial) I thought that I'd better call the BMW ***hole, too.
>>
>>I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" "Yes, it is", he
>>said.
>>
>>"Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.
>>"Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, in Vaucluse. It's a yellow house, and the
>>car's parked right out in front."
>>"What's your name?" I asked.
>>"My name is Don Hansen," he said.
>>"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
>>"I'm home every evening after five."
>>"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
>>"Yes?"
>>"Don, you're an ***hole!"
>>Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.
>>Now, when I had a problem, I had two ***holes to call.
>>
>>Then I came up with a great idea.
>>I called ***hole #1.
>>
>>"Hello." "You're an ***hole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
>>"Are you still there?" he asked.
>>"Yeah," I said.
>>"Stop calling me," he screamed.
>>"Make me," I said.
>>"Who are you?" he asked.
>>"My name is Don Hansen."
>>"Yeah? Where do you live?"
>>"***hole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, a yellow house, with my
>>black
>>Beamer parked in front."
>>He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying
>>your prayers."
>>I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, ***hole," and hung up.
>>
>>Then I called ***hole #2.
>>
>>"Hello?" he said.
>>"Hello, ***hole," I said.
>>He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
>>"You'll what?" I said.
>>"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.
>>I answered, "Well, ***hole, here's your chance.
>>I'm coming over right now."
>>
>>Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at
>>34
>>Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, and that I was on my way over there to kill my
>>lover.
>>
>>Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Mowbray
>>Blvd,
>>Vaucluse.
>>
>>I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just in
>>time to watch two ***holes beating the crap out of each other in front of
>>six cop
>>cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.
>>
>>NOW, I feel much better.
>>Anger management really does work. | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 4/29/2006 12:47:43 AM | That was funnnnnyyyy Heplmysanity
here is one for you hope you like it
A husband and wife have been married for 30 years so on there anniversary they book into the same hotel they had there honeymoon, Hubby is sitting having a beer watching TV when wifey comes into the room dressed in a nice little outfit similar to the one she wore on the wedding night and says well hubby when you saw me dressed like this 30 years age what did you thing , He well dear i thought i just want to F#&*K the guts out of you, so the wife says,So what do you think now, Hubby says , I THINK I DID A PRETTY GOOD JOB | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 4/29/2006 2:17:04 AM | A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.
So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!
One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"
My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 4/29/2006 2:19:09 AM | | good one kez i ment to put the comment b4 my last joke but here's one for you.... | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 4/29/2006 2:27:56 AM | On a trip to Las Vegas, a very attractive blonde woman from West Virginia arrives and bets
twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope y'all don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude."
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled,
"Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed...
"Yes! Yes, I WON! I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her
clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
Moral -
Not all West Virginians are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but
all men are men. | |
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