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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 4/29/2006 5:58:18 AM | A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor.
"Is Fred home?" he asked the woman who answered the door.
"Sorry," the woman replied. "Fred's gone for cotton."
The next day the collector tried again. "Is Fred here today?"
"No, sir," she said, "I'm afraid Fred has gone for cotton."
When he returned the third day he humphed, "I suppose Fred is gone for cotton again,?" "No," the woman answered solemnly,
"Fred died yesterday."
Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait a week and investigate the cemetery himself. But sure enough, there was poor Fred's tombstone, with this inscription:
"Gone, But Not for Cotton." | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 4/29/2006 7:00:00 AM | Girls' Night Out -
> >>
> >>
> >> Why females should avoid a girls' night out after they are married!
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls."
> >>
> >>
> >> I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"
> >>
> >>
> >> Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.
> >>
> >>
> >> Around 3a.m.,a bit loaded, I headed for home.
> >>
> >>
> >> Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up
> >>and
> >>
> >>
> >> Cuckooed 3 times.
> >>
> >>
> >> Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed
> >>
> >>
> >> Another 9 times.
> >>
> >>
> >> I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
> >>
> >>
> >> Solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
> >>
> >>
> >> (Even when totally smashed, 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12
> >>
> >>
> >> Cuckoos - (midnight!)
> >>
> >>
> >> The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told
> >>
> >>
> >> him"Midnight". He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away
> >>
> >>
> >> With that one!!!! or so I thought!
> >>
> >>
> >> Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock dear."
> >>
> >>
> >> Why?I asked,
> >>
> >>
> >> "Well, he said, last night our clock cuckooed three times, said, 'Oh
> >>shit',
> >>
> >>
> >> Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed
> >>
> >>
> >> Another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, then tripped over the
> >>
> >>
> >> coffee table and farted."
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 4/30/2006 12:26:04 AM | This isnt really a joke but yea me and my mates were sittin in the pub and this dude we no his name s kosta and all my mates hate hima nd there like kosta the imposta and im like kosta the fat a***.... to me its not that funny but it was just so random at the time that it semed funny to everyone else! | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 4/30/2006 12:40:38 AM | PREGNANCY
Q&A & more!
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q! : Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.!
"ESTROGEN ISSUES"
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving - call 1- 800-".
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from “outer space".
8. You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday..
TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND!
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
AND, the Number One
Number One
thing only women understand: | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 4/30/2006 12:42:11 AM | For those amongst us who are getting a little older...
About 2 years ago my wife and I were on a cruise through the western Mediterranean. At dinner we noticed an elderly lady sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in the main dining room. I also noticed that all the staff, ships officers, waiters, busboys, etc., all seemed very familiar with this lady. I asked our waiter who the lady was, expecting to be told that she owned the line, but he said he only knew that she had been on board for the last four cruises, back-to-back.
As we left the dining room one evening I caught her eye and stopped to say hello. We chatted and I said, "I understand you've been on this ship for the last four cruises". She replied, "Yes, that's true." I stated, "I don't understand" and she replied, without a pause, "It's cheaper than a nursing home".
So, there will be no nursing home in my future. When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a cruise ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have looked into it and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for:
1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day.
2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant, or I can have room service (which means I can have breakfast-in-bed every day of the week).
3. They have as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers, and shows every night.
4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.
5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.
6. I will get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days.
7. T.V. broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience.
8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask for them.
9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare; if you fall and break a hip on the ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.
If I want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or anywhere in the world, they will have a ship ready to go.
So don't look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship.
P.S: And don't forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side at no extra charge. | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 4/30/2006 3:52:59 AM | Why do women love to suck a circumcised penis?
Because they cant resist anything with 10% off  | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 4/30/2006 7:35:39 PM | | Doctors have discovered that single women can't Fart Apparently they don't have an a***hole until they get Married!!! | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 4/30/2006 7:47:32 PM | Maori guy takes his wife to the doctor for chest pains. Doc say's "your wife has acute angina." Maori guy say's "I know and choice titties too aye bro!"  | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/5/2006 9:20:28 PM | try this website.... www.funsilly.com/flattery.shtml ... hope you enjoy? | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 6/11/2006 4:36:46 AM | Blondes and Brunettes
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend gambling trip to Louisiana.
The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.
The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs.
She decided to go up and investigate.
When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
The brunette asked, "What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!"
One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered... YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER! | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 6/27/2006 3:24:35 AM | The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her
life finally retired.
At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.
As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.
"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?" He Asked
"Yes, they help me sleep at night.." Replied Mrs Smith
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you
Sleep!" The young Doctor Stated.
Mrs Smith then reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee and said "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks ... And believe me, it helps me sleep at night!" | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 6/27/2006 6:37:26 PM | Another little blonde joke for you...
2 blondes sitting on a Gold Coast park bench late one evening...one says to the other-
Which do you think is the further distance...the moon or Brisbane. Her friend replies...well like can you see Brisbane?  | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 6/30/2006 4:39:03 PM | What Starts with F and ends with K?
A first-grade teacher, Mrs. Robin Graber, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Mrs. Graber had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Mrs. Graber he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Mrs Graber and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Mrs. Graber says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Mrs. Graber asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Mrs. Graber: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Mrs. Graber: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
Mrs. Graber: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Mrs. Graber: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Mrs. Graber: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Mrs. Graber: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told Mrs. Graber, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...... " | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 7/11/2006 9:00:36 AM | Rodeo Sex
1 Start shagging your wife doggy style
2 Lean over and grab both of her t%ts
3 Whisper in her ear "You're not as good as your sister"
4 Try to hold on for at least eight seconds. | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 7/11/2006 6:19:50 PM | A girlfriend and boyfriend were talking.
the girlfriend asks the boyfriend "Jimmy, how do you spell pedophilia?"
the boyfriend looks at her in amazement, "Gosh honey" he says, "thats an awfully big word for an eight year old." | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 7/14/2006 1:21:17 AM | A woman walks into the Centrelink office, trailed by 15 kids...
"WOW," the social worker exclaims,"are they ALL YOURS???"
"Yep they are all mine," the flustered mum sighs, having heard that question
a thousand times before.
She says, "Sit down Ashley." All the children rush to find seats.
"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up.
I'll need all your children's names."
This one's my oldest - he is Ashley."
"OK, and who's next?"
"Well, this one he is Ashley, also."
The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the
oldest four, all boys, all named Ashley. Then she is introduced to the
eldest girl, named Ashlee!
"All right," says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL
named Ashley?"
Their mum replied, "Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get
them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Ashley!'
An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Ashley!' an' they all come
running.' An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I
just yell 'Ashley' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had,
namin' them all Ashley."
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and
says tentatively,"But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the
whole bunch?"
"I call them by their last names." | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 7/14/2006 12:15:54 PM | A guy is lying in his hospital bed, wired up with drips and monitors, breathing with the aid of an oxygen mask. A young lady comes round the ward with the tea and newspaper trolley. Approaching him she asks if there is anything she can do for him. The guy looks at her and asks "Are my testicles black?"
"I'm sorry but I'm not medical staff, I can't help you with that" she replies.
"Oh, please have a look for me, I'm really worried; Are my testicles black?"
Taking pity on his obvious distress the girl glances around the ward and, seeing there are no medical staff around, says "Alright, I'll have a look for you". She pulls back the bedcover, lifts his****out of the way and, cupping his balls in her hand tells him, with a note of relief in her voice, "No, they look fine to me".
The patient pulls off his oxygen mask and says "I said, Are my test results back?" | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 7/14/2006 10:15:55 PM | You're not a nurse are you suicide i p???? I heard the very same joke from an RN. Reminds me about an anecdote where a young PC was sent off to fit a cuff on an old fella mmmmmm.
Anyway here's my sons favourite joke:
What has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck!
There you go Max.... | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 7/15/2006 6:30:50 AM | Q: What do a Christmas tree and a catholic priest have in common ?
A: Their balls are just for decoration. | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 7/15/2006 9:33:47 AM | Q: How many kids with attention deficit disorder does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Let's go ride bikes!
Q: What do you call two lesbians sitting in a canoe?
A: Fur traders
____________________________________________
Here in Canada we have a group of people known as the Hutterites. They're kinda like the Amish in the US, but they DO use electricity and drive cars (by the way, this isn't the joke part..). They live in "colonies," as they call their farms. Speculation is there are some practices that the rest of us might frown upon.....
So this Hutterite farmer brings his 13 y/o daughter to the doctor.
"What can I do for you today?" the doc asked.
"You see here doc, my daughter is 13 now, and she's getting to that age where we think she should maybe start looking at methods of contraception. You know, we just don't want her to wind up pregnant a bit early on in life," replied the Hutterite.
"Hmm.. I see. Ok so is she sexually active?" the doctor inquired.
"Oh, no.. she just lays there like her mum." | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 7/16/2006 2:05:39 AM | Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie
went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year old
grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had
died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were
making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people that were nearly 100 years old, having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh, no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our
advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church
bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm.
Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding,and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along." | |
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