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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 9/14/2006 6:01:04 PM | A young man called Roger invited his mother for dinner. During
>the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how
handsome
>Roger's flatmate, Simon, was.She had long been suspicious of a
>relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious. Over
>the course of the evening, while watchingthe two interact, she started
>to wonder if there was more between Roger and his flatmate than met the
>eye. Reading his mums thoughts, Roger volunteered, "I know what you
must
>be thinking, but I assure you, Simon & I are just flatmates". About a
>week later, Simon came to Roger saying, "Ever since your mother came to
>dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she
>took it do you?" "Well I doubt it, but I'll email her just to be sure"
>said Roger. So he sat down and wrote:
>
>DEAR MOTHER,
>I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID" TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE, I'M
NOT
>SAYING THAT YOU "DID NOT" TAKE THE FRYING PAN, BUT THE FACT REMAINS
THAT
>IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER. LOVE ROGER
>
>Several days later, Roger received an email from his mother which
>read:
>
>DEAR SON,
>I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO" SLEEP WITH SIMON, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT
>YOU "DO NOT" SLEEP WITH SIMON, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF HE WAS
>SLEEPING IN HIS OWN BED, HE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW.
LOVE
>MUM Lesson of the day, NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER (SHE ALWAYS, ALWAYS
>FINDS OUT)
!
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geee
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Joined: 9/10/2006
Msg: 102 | |
| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 9/15/2006 1:58:36 AM | A man and his ever-nagging wife went on holidays to Jerusalem. While they were
there, the wife passed away.
The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you
can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it
would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he
rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance. " | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 9/21/2006 4:11:29 PM | Subject: Request for raise in salary
The Management,
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons.
I do physical labour.
I work at great depths.
I plunge head first into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,
Penis
THE RESPONSE
Dear Penis
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have
raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons
You do not work 8 straight hours.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative.
You need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety requirements, such as wearing the correct
protective
clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
And if that were NOT ALL, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace
carrying
two suspicious looking bags.
Sincerely,
The Management | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 9/22/2006 4:07:39 AM | When I was a kid, my next door neighbours where jewish, the dad was Jacob was a Rabi, the wife was Sarah and the little kid was David. Across the road, lived Jacob's bother, Abraham. One day, I was sitting in my door step when I heard Jacob calling little David and saying - “David, go across the road and ask your uncle Abraham if I can borrow his hammer” - so little David runs across the road, knocks at the door and when uncle Abraham opens the door, little David says - “Uncle Abraham, my dad Jacob want to know if he can borrow your hammer” - uncle Abraham looks at little David and answers - “David, tell your father Jacob that unfortunately I can not lend him my hammer because the hammer would wear out” - So little David runs back home and tell his dad - “Dad, uncle Abraham says that he can not lend you his hammer because it will wear out!” - Jacob looks at little David with an incredulous face and says - “Your uncle Abraham is a tight ass, go and get my hammer then”
A couple of days later, little David arrives home from school sweating heavily, his dad Jacob looks at little David and asks - “David, you look tired and you are sweaty, what has happened?” - Little David, still trying to catch up his breath answers - “Dad, I just saved a dollar!” - Jacob, very impressed says - “Very well David, very well. Tell me, how did you saved a dollar?” - Little David replies - “I did run behind the bus all the way from school” - Jacob is extremely pleased and says - “That is excellent David, tomorrow, you can save fifteen dollars if you run behind a taxi!”
My other next door neighbour was a tailor and he had a small shop at home, with piles of fabrics, cotton threads and was always wearing a measuring tape around his neck and carrying pins in his pocket. He had a few unusual habits, the strangest of them is that he would never charge a holy man for his services, but no man of the cloth would ever comment about this peculiarity as they wouldn't want such a good person being taken for a ride. The first time the bishop went to his shop, said to the tailor - “Son, I'm in a bit of a situation, I need to get my Sunday suit fixed, the elbows have holes, the knees on my trouser look worn out and there are a couple of mis matched buttons but I only have sixty bucks, do you think there is something that can be done about?” - The tailor looked at him and answered - “Don't worry father, leave it with me and come Saturday afternoon, just before five and I'll work out something” - sure enough, Saturday afternoon at about five the bishop is back and the tailor gives him a brand new suit, made of the highest quality pure new wool super 1000's, lined in 100% natural silk with buttons of mother of pearl and three new Italian silk shirts. When the bishop sees the suit went pale and said - “Son, this must be a mix up, this is not my suit!” - The tailor looks at the bishop and says - “Father, I made it for you because you are a holy man, I know you do lots of good things for the people in the community without expecting any reward, besides, you don't need to pay, I never charge a priest for my services, the lord will give me prices that are worth more than money” - So the bishop walks out with his new suit and comes back on Monday morning and gives the tailor a large package saying - “Son, this is for you as a token of appreciation” - the tailor opens the package and inside he finds a very old bible with beautiful leather covers, printed in gold and extremely well preserved, the bishop looks at him and says – “This bible used to belong to St Francis of Asisi it has been in my family for several generations” and without saying a word, walks out with a huge smile in his face.
Several weeks later, the protestant pastor comes along with similar predicament and again, gets identical treatment, so next Monday the pastor turns up with a small package and gives it to the tailor, when the tailor opens it, finds inside a heavy, solid gold cross, encrusted with diamonds and emeralds, the pastor says - “That cross was given to Martin Luther by Kaiser Wilhem III and came into my family over two hundred years ago, I would like you to have it” and walks out with a huge smile.
A few weeks later, Jacob the rabi, turns up with a similar problem and again, the tailor does the same deal, so when the rabi turns up to pick up his suit, the tailor explains he never charges a religious man to what the rabi looks at him with a surprised expression in his face and asks - “Can I have two more?” | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 9/29/2006 5:26:36 AM | A koala is sitting up a gum tree ... smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says,
"Hey Koala ! What are you doing?"
The koala says:
"Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints. After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.
A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard:
"What's the matter with you?"
The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"
So the koala looks down at him and says:
"Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude ... how much water did you drink?!!" | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 9/29/2006 5:32:47 AM | The Hippie and the Nun- and no its not me....lol...
A hippy gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun.
He sits down next to her, and asks her: Can we have sex ?
" No," she replies, "I'm married to God." She then stands up, and gets off at the next stop.
The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippy and says "I can tell you how to get to have sex with her !"
"Yeah ?", says the hippy.
" Yeah", say the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray. So all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God"
The hippy decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.
"I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face, "You must have sex with me"
The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity. 'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her.
As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.
Ha-ha!," he cries. "I am the hippy!"
Ha-ha!," cries the nun. "I am the bus driver!" | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 9/29/2006 5:38:35 AM | New Sex Study
It has been determined , the most usual sexual
position for most married couples is a doggie position.
The husband sits up and begs….
The wife roles over and plays dead…
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 9/29/2006 5:53:42 AM | So I'm playing the piano in a bar and an elephant comes up to me and starts crying.
I say "Do you recognise the tune?"
He says "No, I recognise the keys. | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 9/30/2006 6:29:06 PM | Irishman goes to the doctor:
"Doctor,it's me arrse. I'd loik you to take a look."
"incredible" says the doc. "there's a ten pound note up there"
He eases the note out and another one appears.
"what do you want me to do?" ask the doc
"take it out man!"says the patient.
So the doctor pulls it out and another appears, then another and another and so on till the last one finally comes out.
"Tanks koindly doctor. How much was in dere?"asks the Irishman
"1190 pound", "Dat'd be roit" says the irishman "I knew I wasn't feeling two grand."
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 9/30/2006 10:21:58 PM | Prime Minister John Howard, Federal Treasurer Peter Costello, and
Industrial Relations minister Kevin Andrews are flying on the Executive
Airbus to a gathering in Canberra.
Howard turns to Costello and says, chuckling, "You know, I could throw a
$1000 note out the window right now and make someone very happy."
Costello shrugs and replies, "Well, I could throw ten $100 notes out the
window and make ten people happy."
Not to be outdone, Andrews says, "Well I could throw a hundred $10 notes
out the window and make a hundred people happy."
The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot, "Listen to those
arrogant pr!cks back there, will you? Hell, I could throw all three of them
out the window and make 20 million Australians happy." | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 10/1/2006 8:10:53 AM | Titanic vs Bill Clinton
Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill
Clinton. One smart ass student turned in the following book report, with the
proposition that they were nearly identical stories ! His cool professor
gave him an A+ for this report:
Titanic: $29.99
Clinton: $29.99
Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton: Over 3 hours to read
Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton: Bill is a bullsh*t artist.
Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton: Ditto for Bill.
Titanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton: Ditto for Monica.
Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton: Let's not go there.
Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton: Monica's forced to return her gifts.
Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember jack.
Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton: Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.
Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hilary . . . basically the same thing | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 10/2/2006 7:39:23 PM | Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a
new hinge, so he sent Mary Louise to the hardware store.
At the hardware store Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot
on a top shelf as she was waiting for Joe Bob to finish
waiting on a customer. When Joe Bob was finished, Mary
Louise asked how much for the teapot?
Joe Bob replied "That's silver and it costs $100!"
"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary Louise
exclaimed.
She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had
sent her to buy, and Joe Bob went to the backroom to
find a hinge.
From the backroom Joe Bob yelled "Mary Louise, you wanna
screw for that hinge?"
To which Mary Louise replied "No, but I will blow you
for the teapot." | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 10/3/2006 6:37:46 AM | A WHO worker came back to Australia after a nasty and embarrassing accident.
He went to see his GP , he gets to the surgery and his doctor as they do say hows thing and what can i do for you. The WHO worker says well doc i have been working in Africa for the last two years but i had to come home as i had an accident and didnt want to go to a medicine man over there . The doc says well son what is the problem . He says red faced well doc i have a 300mm ( 12 inch ) a*** hole . the doc says no way show me . so he pulls
his pants down and shows the doc . The docs eyes just about pop out of his head as he says well son i see you do have a 300mm a*** hole what the Fcuk happened . The guy says i was raped by an Elephant . The doc says hay i am not an idiot i know Elephants dont have 300mm diameter penises so tell me the truth . the guy says but doc that is the truth . The doc says well how come you have a 300mm a*** hole . The guy says well the Elephant fingered me first ...... | |
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| Always
Posted: 10/3/2006 8:21:34 AM | | Mom is always right. | |
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| Always
Posted: 10/4/2006 2:35:54 PM | THE BOTTLE OF WINE
>
>For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or
>wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time
>you see a bottle of wine:
>
>Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern
>Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the
>road.
>
>As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the
>Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
>
>With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
>
>Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk
>with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently
>at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a
>brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
>
>"What in bag?" asked the old woman.
>
>Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I
>got it for my husband."
>
>The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.
>
>Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:
>
>"Good trade....."
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| POLICE STORY
Posted: 10/14/2006 1:29:57 AM | POLICE STORY
A man had just been pulled over for a simple traffic violation and the officer approached the car; "License and registration please."
The man replied: "Well, I would give it to you but my license has been revoked and, well, this isn't really my car so I don't know if it has registration for it or not."
The officer, trying to be as helpful as
possible, said: "Why don't you just open the glove box there and see if it's in there."
"Oh, it's not in there..." the driver replied. "The only thing in there is
the pistol I used to shoot the owner of this car."
The officer, not known quite sure WHAT to do, ran back to his squad and radioed for the Supervisor and all the back up he could muster.
the Capt. rolled up and approached the car and politely said: "Sir, I understand that you don't have a license?"
The driver calmly produced a valid license.
Capt. then said: "The officer who pulled you over said you told him you didn't have a license OR registration.".
"That's ridiculous..." said the driver "...I have it here in the glove compartment."
The Capt. then asked the driver if HE could check the glove compartment seeing as there was supposed to be a gun in there.
"I don't even OWN a gun!" replied the driver. Sure enough, the man had valid registration as well.
The Capt. then asked the driver: "The officer stated that you you told him that you didn't have a license, registration, and had a gun in the glove box that you used to shoot the rightful owner with."
The driver of the car said: "I bet that liar told you that I had been speeding too, didn't he?" | |
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| Ahhhh . . . Queensland Cops
Posted: 10/14/2006 5:43:00 AM | Two guys are driving through Rockhampton when they get pulled over by the boys in blue. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window and WHACK! the cop smacks him on the head with the stick.
"What the hell was that for?" the driver asks
"You're in Queensland mate" the cop answers. "When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car".
I'm sorry officer" the driver says, "I'm from Victoria".
The copper runs a check on the guys license - he's clean and gives the guy his license back. The cop then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls the window down and WHACK! the cop smacks him on the head with the nightstick. "Just making your wish come true", replies the copper.
"Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asks.
"Because I know," the cop says, "that two miles down the road youre gonna turn to your mate and say, "I wish that ***hole would've tried that shit with me!" | |
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| Ahhhh . . . Queensland Cops
Posted: 10/28/2006 12:58:29 AM | TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE
> TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT
>THE
> LOCAL BROTHEL.
>
> THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO
> HER MANAGER, "GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN
> INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M
> NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE
>DIFFERENCE."
> THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND
>TAKE CARE
> OF THEIR BUSINESS.
>
> AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, YOU KNOW, I THINK MY
>GIRL WAS
> DEAD!"
> "DEAD?" SAYS HIS FRIEND, "WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?"
> "WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING
>HER."
>
> HIS FRIEND SAYS, "COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH."
> "A WITCH, WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?"
>
> "WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK AND
> I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW."
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geee
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Joined: 9/10/2006
Msg: 122 | |
| Ahhhh . . . Queensland Cops
Posted: 10/29/2006 12:51:47 AM | A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up
to the counter and says. "Hi...You know, I just HATE drawing
welfare. I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind
the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job
opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur/bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter.
You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply
all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be
provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas
holiday trips. You will have
To satisfy her sexual urges. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above
The garage, and the starting salary is $200,000 a year."
The guy says "You're bullshitting me!"
The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it." | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 11/13/2006 3:07:28 AM | The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech, and
walked out into the lobby where he met President Bush.
They shook hands, and as they walked the Iranian said,
"You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America.
President Bush said, "Well, anything I can do to help you, I will."
The Iranian whispered "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there
is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, and Sulu who is Chinese,
but no Arabs.
My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians on Star Trek."
President Bush laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador, and whispered back,
"It's because it takes place in the future."
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 11/13/2006 3:40:57 AM | WWIII plans...
Guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Rumsfeld sitting over there?"
The barman says, "Yep, that's them."So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor! What are you guys doing in here?"
Bush says, "We're planning WW III."
And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims this time and one blonde with big tits."
The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?"
Bush turns to Rumsfeld and says, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Muslims!" | |
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