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| Check this out...
Posted: 5/12/2008 6:56:03 AM | I went to the cemetery yesterday and there were four pall bearers walking around with a coffin. Three hours later they were still walking around with it.
I thought to myself :
"These blokes have lost the plot." | |
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| Check this out...
Posted: 5/12/2008 1:26:10 PM | A redneck's wife dies in bed and he calls the ambulance to say he needs them to pick her up.
Ambulance "Where do you live?"
Redneck "101 Eucalytus Drive"
Ambulance "How do you spell that"
Silence.................then.......
Redneck " How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Hill Road and you can pick her up there?" | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/12/2008 4:06:16 PM | Three mates, Joe, Jeff, & John, walking along a cliff edge. When suddenly John slips & falls about 300meters to the bottom. The other two mates call the emergency services. But unfortunatly John is pronounced dead, "how will we tell his wife?" asks Jeff. "Don't worry i'm good at that sort of thing, i'll tell her," says Joe. About an hour later They catch up, Joe carrying a case of beer. "What th...?" asks jeff. "You go & tell our mates wife that he's dead, & she gives you a case of beer?" "Not exactly!" says Joe. "I went to the front door,& when she answered, I said to her so your a widow?" "No i'm not a widow," she replied. "So i said, bet you a case of beer you are!"  | |
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| Check this out...
Posted: 5/13/2008 12:45:14 AM | A redneck gets a job as a front desk clerk at a hotel.
His first day someone calls the desk and says, "This is room 505 and I gotta leak in my sink.
Redneck says "Go ahead".
47.5 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. | |
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| Check this out...
Posted: 5/29/2008 6:43:09 AM | A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work****ail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered.
He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.
The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As men will.)
Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her,
'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00......on one condition.'
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.
The man replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address.
She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said.........
'CLEAN MY HOUSE'
HnH  | |
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| Check this out...
Posted: 5/29/2008 8:34:08 PM | I came home yesterday and my girlfriend was wearing a slinky negligee and holding a red velvet cord. She handed me the cord and said I could tie her up and then do anything I wanted.
So I tied her up and went fishing. | |
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| Check this out...
Posted: 5/31/2008 7:50:41 AM | A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.” | |
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| Check this out...
Posted: 5/31/2008 8:03:26 AM | | My next door neighbour said to me on the weekend "My wife reminds me of the ocean." I said "Is that because she is wild and free?" He replied, "Nope, she just makes me sick." | |
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| Never right
Posted: 5/31/2008 7:28:49 PM | An attorney got home late one evening, after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, James Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he got through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?" And on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all.
Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs to give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear end as he was bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.
He whirled around and screamed, "FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?" | |
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| Never right
Posted: 5/31/2008 7:30:14 PM | Disorder In The Court...
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these
exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep,he doesn't know about it until the next
morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
_______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on
dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go
to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing
an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
___________________________________________
And the best for last
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for
a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law. | |
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| Retirement
Posted: 5/31/2008 7:35:12 PM | Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about five minutes.
When we came out, there was a warden writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.
So my wife called him a sh * thead. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about
20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age. | |
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| Retirement
Posted: 6/1/2008 5:50:45 AM | Billy comes home from school and says to his dad, "Hey dad, we had a spelling test today and I got 9 out of 10. The other kids were lucky to get 6 right. Is that because I'm a Kiwi?" "Yes son, that's because you're a Kiwi." Dad replied.
The next day, Billy says to his mum. "Hey Mum, today we had a 'rithmetic test, and I got 19 out of 20 right, the other kids were lucky to get 14 right. Is that because I'm a Kiwi?" "Yes son, that's because you're a Kiwi." sh replied.
Next week, Billy comes home all excited. "Hey Dad, we had a swimming carnival at school today, and in the showers I noticed I've got hair on my balls. Is that because I'm a Kiwi?"
His Dad replied, "No son, it's because you're 18 years old." | |
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| Check this out....
Posted: 6/2/2008 9:58:58 PM | I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all of
the patients were outside, shouting, '13....13....13'
The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in
the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.
Some a-hole poked me in the eye with a stick.
Then they all started shouting, '14....14....14'
L8TR
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| Check this out....
Posted: 6/2/2008 10:06:58 PM | A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I have some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself
and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. 'Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. ?
Let's head to the club and have a margarita.' After 3 or 4 margarita's, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more margaritas.
They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old
friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'
The friends were aghast and gave the woman their condolences. After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Mom, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS.'
The woman said, 'I don't want any of those ****es sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'
Hell yes, women are evil.....
L8TR | |
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| Check this out....
Posted: 6/3/2008 4:19:31 PM | A married couple go to the doctor to determine why they haven't had kids after 10 years. The guys a bit deaf, and the doctor examines them both, then sits them down to tell them the news.
"Well the news isn't good. You are both physically fit and well, but Mrs Cranstock, you have a sophisticated vagina, and if you ever do have a baby, it will be a miracle."
On the drive home, Mr Cranstock is silent.
When they get home, she says to him, "Well did you understand what the doctor said? It's unlikely we'll have kids, but it's not mine or your fault."
"What do you mean MY fault? He said you have a fishcake up your fanny, and if any baby pops out it will be a mackeral." | |
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| Check this out....
Posted: 6/4/2008 2:13:25 AM | | good 1 danny! oldy but a goody! lil johnny came home from school early+ heard screaming coming from mum+ dad,s room, he opens the door to see dad doing mum doggy style+ yells at his dad to stop it, u are hurting mum! dad throws a pillow at lil johnny+ tells him to get out! dad is having a smoke after it+ hears strange noises coming from lil johnny,s room, he opens the door to see lil johnny with grandma,s head buried in the pillows doing her doggy style! he screams at lil johnny, what the xxxx do u think ur doing?? lil johnny says its not so funny when its ur mum is it! | |
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| Check this out....
Posted: 6/12/2008 1:36:32 AM | A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an
attractive woman waving at him. She says 'Hello.' He's
rather taken aback because he can't place her, so he
says, 'Do you know me?
To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of
one of my kids.'
His mind then travels back to the only time he has
ever been unfaithful to his wife and he says, 'My God,
are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I
made love to on the pool table with all my buddies
watching ?'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, ' No, I'm
your son's teacher.' | |
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| Check this out....
Posted: 6/12/2008 2:30:33 AM | Why is there no black Miss America pageant?
Nobody wants to be Ms. Idaho! | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 6/12/2008 3:00:33 AM | All eyes turned to stare as a gorgeous blonde walked into the fancy dress party stark naked. The shocked host rushed to intercept her. "Wher's your costume?" he hissed through clenched teeth. "This is it," she explains, "i came as Adam." "ADAM!" the host yells. "You don't even have a penis!" "Oh for crying out loud!" she replies, "i've only just arrived, at least give me a minute."  | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 6/14/2008 5:05:55 AM | This is reportedly an actual phone dialog of a former WordPerfect Customer
Support employee:
Support: "Hello, Technical Support; may I help you?"
Customer: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Support: "What sort of trouble?"
Customer: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words
went away."
Support: "Went away?"
Customer: "They disappeared."
Support: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
Customer: "Nothing."
Support: "Nothing?"
Customer: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Support: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
Customer: "How do I tell?"
Support: "Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"
Customer: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Support: "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
Customer: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I
type."
Support: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
Customer: "What's a monitor?"
Support: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does
it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
Customer: "I don't know."
Support: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the
power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
Customer: "Yes, I think so."
Support: "Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged
into the wall."
Customer: "Yes, it is."
Support: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were
two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
Customer: "No."
Support: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the
other cable."
Customer: "Okay, here it is."
Support: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the
back of your computer."
Customer: "I can't reach."
Support: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
Customer: "No."
Support: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
Customer: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because
it's dark."
Support: "Dark?"
Customer: "Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming
in from the window."
Support: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Customer: "I can't."
Support: "No? Why not?"
Customer: "Because there's a power outage."
Support: "A power?!? A *power* outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your
computer came in?"
Customer: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Support: "Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like
it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought
it from."
Customer: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Support: "Oh, yes, I'm afraid it is."
Customer: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
Support: "Tell them you're just too stupid to own a computer." | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 6/14/2008 9:51:29 PM | Short but oh so sweet!!!
Why is that MOST me like having sex with woman?.......
Because they plug into genius!!!!  | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 6/14/2008 10:23:44 PM | "My doctor says if i don't give up sex, i'll be dead in a week." "Why is that?" "I'm playing around with his wife."  | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 6/15/2008 3:38:43 PM | | Hubby & wife shopping in the supermarket, he notices Fosters cans of beer $10.00 for a dozen, he grabs a dozen & puts them in the trolly. "What are you doing?" she asks. "Just grabbing a bargain," he replies. "Put them back, we can't afford them," says she. They continue shopping for the household essentials. Then she inspects a jar of Helena Rubenstien face cream for $20.00 & places it in the trolly. "What are you doing?" he enquires. "At this price, it's my favourite beauty product, & it makes me look beautiful, so i'm bying it." She answers. "So does a dozen cans of Fosters, & their only half the price." He says. | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 6/19/2008 8:12:13 AM | I have sex nearly every night .......
nearly had it on Monday
nearly had it on Tuesday
nearly had it on .................................................................................. | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 6/24/2008 2:03:15 AM | Q: two tampons are walking down the road, which do you ask for the time?
A: Neither, they're both stuck up C**Ts!
Q: whats the difference between a woman with PMS, and a terrorist?
A: You can usually negotiate with a terrorist.
THE HORMONE WARNING
THE HORMONE WARNING: The Hormone Hostage knows that there
are days in the month when all a man has to do is
open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands!
This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's
license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or
significant other!
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Wow, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's my paycheck.
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate
DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRA SAFE: Have some more chocolate.
13 Things PMS Stands For
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
And my favorite one...
13. Potential Murder Suspect
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