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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 7/8/2008 11:32:05 PM | In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her many years she was still a virgin. She was very proud of this achievement. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following insciption on her headstone. "Born a virgin, Lived a virgin, Died a virgin." Not long after , the old dear finally passed away, and the undertaker informed his top headstone carver of the lady's wishes. He set off to carve the insciption on the headstone, but being a bit of a bludger, he decided it was a bit too long to write, so he simply wrote: "Returned Unopened."  | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 7/9/2008 6:12:22 AM | LittleBoyAsks:...........Daddy, is god a man or woman?
DadReplies::..............God is both son.
LittleBoyAsks:...........Daddy, Does god love all children?
DadReplies:...............Yes son, god loves all children
LittleBoyAsks: ..........Daddy, is god black or white?
DadReplies:...............God is both son.
LittleBoyAsks:...........Daddy, is 'God' Michael Jackson? | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 7/10/2008 1:37:42 AM | My uncle was driving his large Mercedes through Ireland where he picked up a hitchhiker. The guy asked "How come all Mercedes have a three-pointed star on the bonnet?"
My Uncle, a bit bored, says "That's a left over from the mescherschmidt fighter planes. I'll show you how it works. See that old woman crossing the road?" and he sighted through the star and accelerated down the road.
Just before hitting the woman, he spins the wheel, but there is a load thud, scream, and he pulls up in a mad panic saying "what happened!!??? I was sure I missed her!!!"
The Irish passenger says "You did, so I got her with the door." | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 7/10/2008 5:32:06 AM | what is the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer?
a prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 7/17/2008 2:57:15 AM | A black man goes into a pub with a parrot on his shoulder. The barman asks, "where did you get that from?"
The parrot says, "Africa, there's millions of them." | |
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| Jesus and Mary are watching you...
Posted: 7/17/2008 6:06:15 AM | Against a cold full moon, the Gothic-styled Stately Home was dark and foreboding. It was famous for it's aristocratic owner's collection of religious and satanic artefacts.
Noiselessly moving through it's many rooms, a burglar was filling a black padded duffel bag with it's treasures. Reaching for a beautiful jewelled crucifix, he heard a tiny sing-song voice.
"Jesus and Mary are watching you .…". He froze, shocked.
For a long minute, he didn't breathe. Finally he took the small flashlight from between his teeth and slowly shone it around the room. He saw nothing. Convincing himself that it was just imagination, he again became absorbed in his thieving. All was quiet.
Suddenly…. "Jesus and Mary are watching you .…"
He nearly swallowed the flashlight. Visibly shaking, he examined the large room more intensely. In an alcove across the way he noticed a birdcage for the first time. Moving closer through the darkness he saw two small parrots.
He put his head right next to the cage and whispered, "Did you just say..…'Jesus and Mary are watching you….'?".
One of the birds shuffled it's feathers and replied, "Yes….we felt that the Lord would want you to know!".
The burglar immediately relaxed but was annoyed that a pair of obviously born-again parrots had scared the living daylights out of him.
"Oh, I'm sure Jesus and Mary are watching over everyone", the man patronised, "And which one are you little fella? Jesus or Mary?".
"I'm called Beelzebub", said the parrot sincerely.
" Beelzebub…? Hehehe!...", the burglar cackled, meanly hitting the side of the cage, "...Just what kind of wacko would call a bird 'Beelzebub'?"
Watching two large dark forms padding closer and closer, the parrot said softly, "The same kind of wacko that would call his Rottweilers, Jesus and Mary!'' | |
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| Jokes!
Posted: 7/17/2008 11:32:41 PM | Just a couple of my favorite ones :D
The Old Couple
This man & woman have been married to each other for over sixty years. For the last few years the only sex they have, is she holds his penis in her hand.
Anyway, the husband comes home late one night and says "Honey I'm sorry,I still love you, but I'm leaving you for another woman."
The wife gets hysterical and starts screaming at him. "Well, is she younger than me?" He says "No." She screams "Well, is she prettier than me?" He says "Well, no." She asks "Is she rich?" He says "Hell no!" By then the woman has completely lost it, and screams at the top of her lungs, "Well then what does that **** have that I don't have?" Husband replies with a grin "P-P-PP-Parkinsons Disease."
Horny Old Man
There was an older man that was married to a much younger woman, and he was having trouble lasting long enough in bed. So he went to the doctor and was told he should please himself before having sex and he would last longer.
One day as 5 o'clock rolls around, he gets a call from his wife who says she's very horny. On his way home, he remembers what the doctor said and decides to jerk it before he gets home. He thinks, "Well, I can't do it in the car, but if I get under it I can pretend I'm fixing my car."
So he gets under the car, closes his eyes, and starts jerkin it. A few minutes later, there's a tug at his pants leg. In order to keep the image of his beautiful wife, he doesn't open his eyes, but just hollars, "Yeah?" "I'm Officer Brown. What are you doing down there?" "Well, officer, I'm checking my axle; I think it's come lose."
"Well, mister, while you're down there, you might wanna check your brakes; your car's 2 blocks down the road crashed into a tree."
The Genie
One day, a husband and wife were out playing golf. The husband was having trouble teaching his wife how to play, as she was quite bad.
As the wife took her shot, she aimed it badly and the ball went right through the window of a nearby house.
"Now look what your lack of skills has gotten us into! We will have to go up there and apoligise!" proclaimed the husband.
The couple knocked on the door, and it was opened by a young man in his thirties. The couple saw the broken window, and a broken bottle near it.
"I'm terribly sorry about your window", said the husband. "What can we do?"
"Well", replied the man, "i must thank you. You see, I'm a genie and have been trapped in that bottle for over 500 years. So, as your genie, you have 3 wishes. But, if you wouldnt mind, I would like to keep one for myself?"
The husband and wife pondered this, and thought it acceptable.
"Fantastic", proclaimed the genie. "So, what are your wishes?"
The husband replied, "I would like 10 million pounds a year for the rest of my life".
"No problem", said the Genie. "And i will give you a long and healthy life too!"
It was the wife's turn. "I would like a mansion in every country in the world, complete with servants."
"No problem", said the Genie. "And i will keep your home safe from bad weather and burgalars! And now for my wish. I have been stuck in that bottle for a very long time, and have forgotten what it feels like to be with a woman. If i could just spend some time with you, to fulfil my needs?"
The husband and wife pondered this and the wife asked her husband, "Honey, what do you think?"
"Well sweetheart, I think it's O.K. I love you, and would do the same for you."
So after an afternoon of the genie and wife enjoying and pleasuring each other, the Genie asked the wife, "How old are you and your husband?"
"We're both in our thirties. Why?" she replied.
"Wow, thirty years old, and you both still believe in genies?"
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| Jokes!
Posted: 7/17/2008 11:41:03 PM | Heres one i forgot to add, it's really good and quite long, some people may have heard it before 
[Quote]
There are these three guys in a desert dying of dehydration. Off in the horizon they see a house and finally manage to struggle to it. The first guy goes up to the door to ask for water. The door is opened by this really old, wart-covered, puss covered, scaly, toothless old woman.
"C-c-c-can I h-h-h-have some w-w-w-water for me and m-my friends?" he asks.
She replied, "I will... if you have sex with me."
The guy pukes all over the woman and runs back to his friends.
"You guys would not believe who answered the door. Some really gross old lady!" he tells them. "She said we could have water if I had sex with her."
"Why didn't you then?" asks he second guy.
"Because she was so ugly, I was sick and couldn't do it!"
"Oh, you are such a wuss. I'll go up to the door," the second guy says.
He goes up to the door and rings the bell. The old hag answers.
"W-w-w-w-w-w-waaaaaa......" He uses all of his will power to not hurl.
"Water? Yes, I have water," she says knowingly. "But you have to have sex with me."
"AAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!"
He runs back to his friends and before he could say a word, the third guy goes to the door and rings the bell.
"What do you want for some water?"
"You have to have sex with me."
Knowing that if he doesn't do something, he and his friends will all die. So he follows the lady into her kitchen.
"Do me here," she told him.
He sees 3 ears of corn on the counter and gets an idea.
"Lay back and close your eyes. And keep them closed!"
The witch lays back and spreads her legs. The guy nearly pukes after seeing this. He picks up an ear of corn and screws her with it. Finally she is finished. He throws the corn out the window.
"Oh, God. That was the best orgasm of my life. If you do that again I will give you a million dollars."
"Then lay back and close your eyes again."
This she does and he does her with the second ear of corn until she is satisfied. Then he throws it out the window. This time she doesn't even open her eyes.
"If you do that again, I will give you a Jeep so you can get out of the desert."
"Eyes closed," he says.
Then he does her with the last piece of corn. He brings her to multiple orgasms.
"Ohhhhhhhhh........ The water, money and Jeep are outside," she says as she squirms in ecstasy.
So he runs like hell outside and grabs the water and money and jumps into the Jeep. He wonders where his friends are and drives around to find them. He finds them by the window.
One of the guys says to him, "Hey, man. I hope you had fun. We just ate the three best pieces of buttered corn you could have imagined!"
- Nicko  | |
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| Jokes!
Posted: 7/18/2008 11:58:07 AM | what has 8 legs and a big black hairy c#nt?
the a-team | |
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| Jokes!
Posted: 7/21/2008 5:36:55 AM | A married couple walked in to a sandal shop. The Jamaican said to them, "I
have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you
wild at sex."
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the
man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex
god he was.
The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"
The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon."
So, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and
tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild
look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently
over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed
a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.
The Jamaican then began screaming, "You got dem on the wrong feet! | |
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| Jokes!
Posted: 7/26/2008 10:52:29 PM | I went to the doctor and was told to fill out a form first .
One line on the form asked who to call in case of emergency.
So I wrote in call my doctor. | |
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| Jokes!
Posted: 7/26/2008 10:53:37 PM | Someone stole my identity.
Now they have no life either. | |
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| Jokes!
Posted: 7/29/2008 2:42:44 AM | Q; What do you call the insensitive bit at the base of the penis?
A; The bloke. | |
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| Jokes!
Posted: 7/29/2008 3:03:49 AM | A man comes home from work and finds his wife in the bathroom with a hair dryer between her legs.
Husband: What the hell are you doing?
Wife: Warming up your dinner dear.
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 7/29/2008 3:18:10 AM | Harley Davidson died and went to heaven. He was boasting to God how he created the best motor bike in the world. God disagreed, saying BMW's were a better designed bike. Harley Davidson said "What the f*ck do you know about design?! You created woman and look at the problems we have with them!"
"Excuse me!" Said God "I think you'll find a lot more men riding my f*cking creation than yours!
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Hagars
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Joined: 4/20/2008
Msg: 191 | |
| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 7/29/2008 3:25:16 AM | THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS.
THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING
LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR.
EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T.STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL. SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT.
THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT.THEN ONE THANKSGIVING MORNING AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS AND NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER.
SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC
WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS
SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF
FRANTIC FOOT STEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM. THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOTTEN HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD..
ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE. SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER.
HE SAID, 'HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT. ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU.'
'WHAT DO YOU MEAN?' ASKED HIS WIFE.
'WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED.BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS. I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN.' | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 7/29/2008 4:33:52 AM | The Sensitive Man
A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for anobviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears, She is quite impressed by his
sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the futurefather of my children?'
She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips he responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well,how was it?' The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:
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'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf' | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 7/29/2008 5:53:19 PM | An elderly couple were attending church...,
and during the service the woman leans over to her husband and wispers into his ear......,
"I just farted....., what should I do ?"
The husband lean't back to her and dryly wispered into her ear......,
......, "Change the batteries in your hearing aid honey !" | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 7/30/2008 1:22:53 AM | A prostitute had gone straight and found herself a good man who had commited to marry and settle down with her !
She decided that she could not possibly tell him of her 'past'...., but realised that he would probably 'find out' on their wedding night.
So, she decided to tell her intending husband a little 'white lie' by saying that as a yonger girl working on a farm...., she hed 'cut' herself while climbing over a barbed wire fence !
Anyway the wedding night 'comes and goes' without any big deal,
The next morning, when they wake up, she says to him...., "good morning honey..., did you enjoy last night ?"
And he replies...., "just how far across that paddock did you get before you realised you were caught up on the barbed wire ?" | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 7/30/2008 4:13:46 AM | A bloke and his new Thai girlfriend are laying back in bed after a paticularly frenzied bout of passion. As they lie there, both regathering their breath and allowing the pulse rate to slow down, the girlfriend started to run her long fingernails along his still engorged shaft causing it to twitch of its own accord.
"Crikey, girl." he said. "You're not ready to go again, are you? At least give me time to get my breath back."
"No." she replied. "I was just thinking about how pretty your c#ck is, and how much I miss mine." | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 8/4/2008 7:55:52 PM | 'Insurance Funnies'
The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in as few words as possible.....
I told the police that I was not injured but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull.
Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run so I ran over him.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
I thought my windows was done but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.
I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
I had been driving for 40 years when I feel asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentlemen as he bounced off the hood of my car.
The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck my front end.
I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows. | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 8/4/2008 8:24:23 PM | | A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartenders says to him. "Hey we have a drink named after you" the grasshopper loks back at the batrender somewhat puzzled and says "What.... Kevin?" | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 8/23/2008 2:44:38 PM | This isn't a joke as such but I got a really good laugh out of reading this profile: http://www.plentyoffish.com/member6268003.htm
Make sure you notice the user's profile name :) I think she deserves some kind of award for having the courage to be so blatant! | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 8/30/2008 2:12:13 PM | How many rednecks does it take to eat a rabbit ?
Two.
One to eat it and the other to watch for cars. | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 8/30/2008 8:35:50 PM | A recent survey was conducted to discover why men got out of bed in the middle of the night: Five percent said it was to get a drink of water: Twelve percent said it was to go to the toilet: Eighty three percent said it was to go home:  | |
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