| Kids... on purpose or....?
Posted: 3/2/2006 5:42:41 AM | It looks like fault lies on both sides. Yes, during several hours worth of conversation, it should have come up. On the same token, your profile should clearly state that you're not interested in dating someone with children.
I don't mention my daughter in my profile (other than yes to "do you have children") but if I start talking with someone, it's made clear from the start that she lives with me. | |
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| Kids... on purpose or bullshit?
Posted: 3/2/2006 3:53:28 PM | Jesiebunnies says: "Lastly my whole point to the post by refering to the op's attitude as shallow and inmature is that when you cannot see past your own blinders and fears this makes you shallow to a certain extent. If I say I will not date anyone who has an evil mother, or who is overweight, smokes, or might change my life in anyway I am severly excluding good people who just might enhance my life instead of harming it and this is where maturity comes in. It takes maturity to see past a person's flaws, mistakes or accomanyments and accept and love them for who they are. "
Eloquently put, and definitely applicable to some situations, but not this one. A man has EVERY right in the world to choose whether he wants to get involved with ONE person or with TWO. In every post so far you have compared the act of women revealing they have children to trifling things like admitting to having "picked your nose in grade four", or referred to them in the same light as minor personality quirks like "singing in the shower nude". HUH?? Where does this disconnect from reality occur that allows you to compare such trivial things to a man taking on what could potentially be a lifetime responsibility for another human being who is not even of his own blood??
Yes, I fully admit a man could be missing out as there are wonderful women out there who are mothers. But is it immature and shallow of the OP to be realistic in his personal readiness in regards to taking on that responsibility BY saying NO?? Maybe the OP should have stuck around and gotten familiar with her before admitting it was not what he wanted - and THEN said, WHOOPS!! Would THAT be more mature??
But then we would hear a different tune- one of male manipulation - "he used me just to get some...knew I had a kid the whole time".
If you ask me...the OP has actually shown great maturity and depth of thought by being clear headed and realistic enough to realize - and admit - that he does not want (and yes - that is his choice too) nor is ready for another womans child. Do you, Jesiebunnies, being a single mother really want a man who desires nothing at all to do with your child??
*It might be said that most women "are not looking for a father for their kid, he already has one". That is irrelevant - the man assumes responsibility simply by being there - he is forced to make decisions, guide, teach and even scold the child...hmmm...sounds abit like a dad, no?? Unless like a previous poster stated he simply pretends there IS no child. hehehe.... | |
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| Kids... on purpose or bullshit?
Posted: 3/2/2006 4:14:01 PM | You know, it could very well have been on purpose that these women didn't mention it. A friend of mine was a single mother and she had a hell of a time getting dates cuz no one wanted the responsiblity of it! I totally understand the OPs point and think that it's great that he knows what he wants and has the fore sight to try and avoid a potentially painful situtation for all. But, if the ONLY reason that you don't want to get involved with someone with kids is because you may be moving, stick that in the profile! State right out that you may be leaving the area after you finish your schooling.
And on the subject of people on dating sites lieing about kids, I met someone on a different dating site and it stated in his profile "No kids" but wants them someday. Well, we got exclusive and were together for about 4 months when I here him on the phone with a friend of his TALKING ABOUT HIS KID IN TEXAS!!! | |
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| Kids... on purpose or bullshit?
Posted: 3/3/2006 11:36:11 AM | I have had no problems finding men to date being a single mom now. I thought it would be more difficult but in all honesty the flood gates are still wide open, ha. Actually that's not true I'm much more picky now!
As far as ^ the friend who said she waits to tell people, that is wrong. If she meets men who do not want to date her from the beginning with children then why would they want to date her a few dates down the road? I'd feel deceived and definately bail. But that's just me.
Don't be ashamed of your child, celebrate your child and if someone comes along who can share that joy well then CHEERS! if not, f*ckem! (not literally)
Oh back on topic! ^ I agree with SaintPeterGirl, put it in your profile that you are not looking to date someone with children, and the only ones why may be offended would be the moms, right? So who cares! lol  | |
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| Kids... on purpose or bullshit?
Posted: 3/3/2006 11:40:23 AM | i agree with lippy... if some woman held that kinda information out.. i would be worried that she doesnt put her child #1 in her life.. and to me.. that would bother me enough to not want to get involved with her.. HONESTY is very very important..
and if you child is your #1 priority, you need to make it that way..
APPLAUSE FOR LIPPY!!! shes a great woman..
lippy, i wish only the best for you.. you will find a good man... keep on keepin the faith!! | |
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| Kids... on purpose or bullshit?
Posted: 3/3/2006 11:50:16 AM | 1st off I love when men agree with me
2nd off I love when hot men agree with me u yummy lion
OT: FULL DISCLOSURE! | |
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| Kids... on purpose or bullshit?
Posted: 3/3/2006 12:18:29 PM | Everybody should be up front about their own status. If we are willing to enter
our body types, height & pictures, it would go to reason that you need to disclose
the fact that you have children.
I can't accept the belief that it's about safety of their children: its a bit over-reaching
to swallow that. I think the truth is, and by reading dozens of other threads, these
girls want you to fall for them hard & trap you, and then they throw their kids
in your face. It's fraudulent and deceitful. Dump 'em and move on. At least
they didn't marry you and introduce the kids during your honeymoon.
Full disclosure: assume 80% of men don't want to get involved in an
instant family. | |
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| Kids... on purpose or bullshit?
Posted: 3/3/2006 12:30:45 PM | | ^ Wow so I should hurry up and take the measley 20% I can get because at age 32 I have 1 child. Your stats are way off unless you are only referring to those men who do not want children at all, then I assure u most of those men are off 80% of womens list. | |
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| Kids... on purpose or bullshit?
Posted: 3/3/2006 12:31:53 PM | OK - Lippy and Lion, go get your own "Chat" room together! lol - Only kidding, the responses were cute.
This is a tough one, I have two kids myself who spend most of their time with their custodial mom. But I love my time with them so even though they only spend a couple weekends a month with me, I list kids in my profile. Yes, you have to like me first, but my kids are a big part of my life and people should know upfront that its a major part of knowing me.
I must admit, its a little scary the way some folks have pics of thier kids on these public sites, but I never considered that even mentioning you have children (no names, ages or pictures) could still make a woman a target for some sicko. When it comes to kids, I guess I will have to side with an over cautious mom. Better safe than sorry. So, if its not in your profile, I could live with that. But boy, if there are several hours of phone calls and emails, it would be easy enough to present that in a conversation before dating begins. It does seem like the two ladies you spoke of may have been hiding information from you, not protecting their child. That's unfair to both you and the ladies, you should know what type of a family life you are getting into to. Several women mentioned not introducing kids to ever date they have, waiting for a relationship to take hold. I can really understand that and how you are protecting a child emotionally in that case.
Regnis, it may not be fair, but it happened. I agree it would be better if folks were more honest with their profile, but it is what it is. If you decide to place something new in your profile, make it positive not a negative. Something like, "I adore kids and hope to have my own family someday" is probably a lot more attractive than "moms need not apply".
Good luck.... | |
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| Kids... on purpose or bullshit?
Posted: 3/3/2006 12:49:28 PM | lippy, im only speakin the truth...
children should be number one in parents lives... i know when i become a father. i will put my wife and kids as #1 and only #1... well, besides my religion...
but when someone doesnt disclose they have children, its only gonna lead to failure further down the road... TOTALLY HONESTY>>> gotta have it...
and yes lippy... FULL DISCLOSURE!!! | |
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| Kids... on purpose or bullshit?
Posted: 3/3/2006 12:54:17 PM | Lippyblonde
Your stats are way off unless you are only referring to those men who do not want children at all, then I assure u most of those men are off 80% of womens list.
90% of stats are invented on the fly. | |
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| Kids... on purpose or bullshit?
Posted: 3/3/2006 1:26:48 PM | I have been a mom so long now that it's also who I have become,....
even though my own for the most part find me redundant,...
My whole personality,..the way I think is an intergral part of being their mom all these years,..
To now claim,..or act as they don't exist,..is denying who I am,....or who I have become...even theough they are all adults,....
For me,..mine were always number one,..and I guess still are,...
Hells bells I was and continue to be mom to everybody elses kids too,...
any kid that passess my door,..takes that risk,.... | |
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| Kids... on purpose or bullshit?
Posted: 3/3/2006 1:58:57 PM | they said they didnt have kids and they did?
the women are lairs.... they arent protecting anyone....
they are out for a ride... making a man think they are someone they aren't.
I met guys who denied kids too....
was only to get me to meet them. That is dishonest and more lies will come | |
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| Kids... on purpose or bullshit?
Posted: 3/3/2006 2:26:46 PM | "In my opinion I think you should grow up. You sound very self centered and shallow"
He is not self centered and shallow, he is still in school getting his doctorate. That is hard enough. It is very hard going to school with a child, trust me I know!! However, OP, you should state that you aren't interested in someone with kids at this time for the reason you mentioned. It doesn't mean that you wont be interested in a woman with a child after you are out of school does it? | |
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| Kids... on purpose or bullshit?
Posted: 3/3/2006 2:30:52 PM | good suggestion and,..I haven't read all 3 pages but,...
and especially after the first insident,....
did he ever ask any of the ladies outright,...
"Oh by the way do you have any kids?",...it's innovative I know,...but
could work,..... | |
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Regnis
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Joined: 2/27/2006
Msg: 67 | |
| Kids... on purpose or bullshit?
Posted: 3/3/2006 3:08:27 PM | asweet1974
I love kids, I want some one day. I really don't give a damn if its mine, my partner's from a previous marriage/relationship/etc, adopted or whatever. Its just the uncertainity in my life, I don't think it would be fair to the mother/kid(s). I may end up moving to say Monroe, Michigan in 2 years (random place), and I would be devasted if I had to do that to some little guy or gal that I've gotten attached to through their mother. | |
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| Kids... on purpose or bullshit?
Posted: 3/3/2006 3:29:27 PM |
they said they didnt have kids and they did?
No they never did Frangal ... they had "Prefer not to say" in their profiles and he didn't ask and they didn't reveal more until after a couple of dates. | |
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| Kids... on purpose or bullshit?
Posted: 3/3/2006 4:39:11 PM | | "prefer not say" might as well just say yes and it looks stupid on people, it's better if they did just say yes. | |
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| Kids... on purpose or bullshit?
Posted: 3/3/2006 4:51:35 PM |
"prefer not say" might as well just say yes and it looks stupid on people, it's better if they did just say yes.
Well sure, but I'm not going to judge them for choosing it, since it's an option. However I have already in this thread judged the wisdom of not asking about it up front when it was so unclear and dodgy an answer. I think the point of this is ... if something seems hidden or veiled (and if it's important to you to know the truth!) then you *definitely* wanna be asking about it yourself.
I do wanna say something else though .. it's rare to have anyone start a thread with a strong commentary or point like this who seems to really respect and take under consideration the feedback s/he receives. I get the impression from his further comments that the OP really appreciated and gave actual thought to all the advice and feedback he got. I think that's really exceptional. | |
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| Kids... on purpose or bullshit?
Posted: 3/12/2006 7:14:03 AM | REGNIS....
I didn't say you weren't interested at all, just at this time. I didn't say you didn't like children at all. I understand completely why, at this time you would prefer not to date anyone with children. Trust me, I UNDERSTAND. | |
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| Kids... on purpose or bullshit?
Posted: 3/12/2006 2:42:27 PM | this is going to get heat from single mothers, but each of jesiebunnies 4 reasons to be deceptive about her motherhood are flawed (some more flawed than others)
(1) maybe it's possible pedophiles prey on single mothers. the threat of pedophiles may exist, but what about other types of predators, like rapists, guys looking just to screw, etc? if pedophiles are the primary concern for a single mother, maybe she should not place a public profile of herself on the internet. or post a profile with a picture of herself. there is danger associated with posting an internet profile, you accept that risk when you put that profile up.
(2) it does matter in the beginning of relationship to know about children. your child should be your #1 priority. if a woman is deceptive about something that should be that important, what else will she be deceptive about? dating other men while we have a monogamous agreement? no need to cause a doubt, i don't need to meet the child right away, but no need to hide your child's existence
(3) you are admitting your child is baggage when you deny his/her existence. it's important to mention important issues when getting to know someone. jesie, sounds like you feel like regnis should NOT mention knowing that he might be leaving his town in two years. IMO that something that should be discussed very early on. like one's children. situations important to your life should be mentioned
(4) single mothers, if your children aren't your #1 priority, i won't be attracted to you. "fall in love with me not my child" is BS. the child is part of you. if i fall in love with you without knowing about the child, that is less than 100% love. i sincerely hope that the majority of single mothers want more than partial love from their partners.
People who cannot accept past issues like children, family issues or experiences to me are very shallow and self centered and belong by themselves.
The "people" that you mention here jesie is yourself. because you are the not who cannot accept the fact you have children, you hide it from potential partners, maybe it is you who is the self-centered one that will inevitably not find love.
the pedophile issue is serious. if that is such a big threat, maybe it's ok to be deceptive in your profile, but after a gentlemen initiates correspondence, and you wish to meet, then admit beforehand that you have children. if pedophiles only target profiles of women who state they have kids, this would protect your kids, and later on you wouldn't be deceptive about the existence of your children.
personally i think honesty is always the best policy.
p.s. maybe regnis should put in his profile that he won't date single mothers. but it's absolutely ridiculous to say regnis should have to ask of the existence of children for a woman who posts she has no kids. i wouldn't think to ask that--why would i ask that? there is no reason to. just goes to show that internet dating is just riddled with pitfalls--the moreso when people, single mothers or otherwise, choose to be deceptive. | |
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| Kids... on purpose or bullshit?
Posted: 3/12/2006 3:03:30 PM | at first, i didnt mention that i didnt want to date women with kids in my profile. this was not an effective way to filter them out as they still tried to talk to me and guilt trip me into give them a chance.
then, i briefly made mention that i didnt want to date chicks with kids. this really didnt change anything. they still tried to get me.
finally, i changed my profile to what it is right now (go check it out). excellent results. no more gals with kids try to talk to me. 
why wont i date a chick with kids? the answer is simple: unless she was raped or her man is dead, she did something wrong. you DO NOT have children unless you are in a firm and established (especially financially and emotionally) relationship. to do so otherwise is flat out irresponsible. PERIOD. NO EXCEPTIONS. | |
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| Kids... on purpose or bullshit?
Posted: 3/12/2006 6:12:25 PM | I personaly do not have kids, but if I did I would mention it on my profile because its a big thing! No I would not post a picture of them but hiding the truth will get you no place.
If you can't find a sitter for your child and you are going on a second date SKIP THE DATE
I think people have the right to know if they are planning on spending their time with you, male or female. If a guy has a child he should say so because a woman has every right, just as a man does, to say that no they do not want to even consider a relationship with someone who has a child.
Not that this is the same ( I know I will get blased for it) but how would you feel if someone did not tell you that they were perhaps plus size, or very short/tall... sure in the perfect world people should not be judged by how they look but they are.
We are meeting people online, this is not a bar, we do not get to look at them from across the room and check them out, we are baseing our attraction on pictures that we can not prove are real and a personality that could be musterd up by stealing another persons profile. My point is that we do not need any more surprizes so try and be upfront with people. | |
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| Kids... on purpose or bullshit?
Posted: 3/12/2006 6:53:28 PM | why wont i date a chick with kids? the answer is simple: unless she was raped or her man is dead, she did something wrong.
"... beware of the dark side. Anger, fear, aggression; the dark side of the Force are they. Easily they flow, quick to join you in a fight. If once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny ...." | |
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