| Is separated single?
Posted: 3/28/2006 7:16:29 AM | | Stillinlimbo: Thank you for your immature response to my morals. It's men like you that I steer clear of! I won't lower myself to mess around with a married, or "partially married" man. Enough said! | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 3/28/2006 7:55:29 AM | Not being able to afford a divorce is a poor excuse. There are ways, and if personal decision is final, it must be carried through.
The American Society has succeeded in blowing the divorce problem up to the level, where the action to get divorced scares people enough so that they keep putting it off. I don't think that is right, because as the decision to get married does not cost much (I am not including traditional wedding bill, just the legal cost), so shouldn't be divorce.
Once someone feels they can not possibly carry on with being someone's spouse, they should have enough freedom to get out of such burden.
I am not trying to suggest easy ways out, nor I am against child/spousal support.
There are two people to every divorce and one makes decision in most cases. Turns out, in most cases it is the RIGHT decision. Everything comes for a reason.
Pretending to be is not good no matter what the explanation is (for the sake of children, relatives, and such).
Separated is not single and carrying this status for years has little excuse.
AL,
XP | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 3/28/2006 8:18:23 AM | | You are totally missing the point to what I meant by being independant. Sure both men and women need to learn to do all the everyday things. That's part of being an adult. What I was refering to was being perfectly comfortable living alone. Making all decisions alone with no one to be your sounding board. Facing serious illness or threats to your well being with no one to lend a helping hand isn't easy. I have no living family member left, so it's all up to me. Run to get married again, so that serious problems can be shared - I don't think so. I would only get into another relationship if it made me and the other person very happy in all ways. I have dealt with running business and daily life married or not. The difference now is that I know that I can (and have faced) all problems, and crisis of life alone and being comfortable doing so. I enjoy travelling alone as it gives me time to truly get involved with different cultures. Most people just don't seem to want to try that. I won't bore you will a list of the crisis that I have faced. I will say that testifying in two criminal trials against a dangerous offender was one of the most challenging, especially since I watched many people who didn't have the courage to testify. Yes, it was a little nerve racking living alone during those two years. I did however learn that there is nothing to fear but fear itself. Sorry for the rant and hope you now know that I meant independant independant in all life crisis. | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 3/28/2006 8:24:00 AM | Well ex-princess, I have carried the separated status for the past 16yrs. and not one person whom I have dated or been in a LTR with has had a problem with it.
And honestly, I don't give a shit. I don't plan on getting remarried at this point in time and if I do then i'll cross that bridge when I come to it. If he wants to get remarried then he can do what is necessary. No excuses whatsoever.
In the legal sense separated might not mean single. However, I consider myself to be single.
And please don't take this post the wrong way. I'm just stating my opinion.
Thanks  | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 3/28/2006 9:42:48 AM | What I was taking about was being single and independant.
If he wants to get remarried then he can do what is necessary, Is what you said.
I certainly don't want to argue with you on this issue, and you sure are entitled to your opinion. I just figure that doing the work necessary to become legally single is the responsibility of the person who isn't single. It is just the way I have choosen to live my life.
I sure wouldn't be dating someone who expected to make me responsible for their issues. I am way too busy taking care of my own responsibilities and having time left over for fun.
Each to his or her own of thinking. | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 3/28/2006 9:42:59 AM |
he has none, that's why. what a snake.
Au contraire. I don't follow the "Three Date Rule", although I'm neither so moral nor so inhibited as to refuse if the offer seems appropriate. Neither am I in any hurry. It was a perfectly valid point. "Single' means never having been married. 'Equivalent to single', if we had such a choice (is that what "dating" as a marital status means, Thai?), would mean being free to date and possibly more. By dating, I mean going out for dinner, going to the movies, going dancing, and such. If sleeping together took a few months, no big deal for me.
My point was that there may be legitimate practical reasons (i.e. emotional baggage, the rebound, etc.) why you might limit your pool to try to avoid that. Enough people have made points to counter those arguments so I won't repeat them. But some have made pronouncements about the matter that seem to indicate some moral imperative is at work, rather than a practical concern. Come on. You wouldn't chat in a chatroom with someone who's sitting out a year long waiting period? You wouldn't go to a movie with someone who's not spoken to her ex in 16 years? | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 3/28/2006 9:48:39 AM | just because you know how to use French phrases it doesn't make you less of a snake  | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 3/28/2006 9:54:50 AM | Wow! I had no idea that "Separated" was such a problem. My ex and I have been separated for 4 years now and we have no legal divorce due to the financial factor. It's not at all cheap. Laws are different in Canada than in the US obviously.
What makes me so curious is how someone can judge someone by their past relationships. Are most of us not on here because of a bad experience or two in life? Am I wrong on this one?
Too confusing for me. Guess I should just spend the money and get the divorce to maybe have a little more opportunity to meet someone.
Oh well,
Cheers | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 3/28/2006 10:48:19 AM | What I was refering to was being perfectly comfortable living alone. Making all decisions alone with no one to be your sounding board. Facing serious illness or threats to your well being with no one to lend a helping hand isn't easy.
I couldn't be happier to be able to make decisions without getting approval from the boss! If I want to buy another bike, I'll just do it. If I want to relocate the rhododendron, I'l just do it. If I want to sell the house, I'll just do it. I'm so freakin' happy being alone I don't know where to start!
In fact, I'll admit, it makes me leery about getting another 'boss' moving in. But that's the thing. Even if I fell in love with the perfect girl today, I don't think moving in would be on the cards for at least a year or more. Some people move much faster than that but I am now cautious with my heart and my finances. If I'm divorced for a few years will I be more open to moving in together after a few months? Seems unlikely from where I sit now. So if I was seeing someone who was separated, we would have gotten past any time constraints by the time we were ready to fully merge lives.
As to dealing with illness or living without a helping hand: I remember when I was much younger and living by myself in a town where I hadn't gotten to know anyone. Came time to move and I couldn't afford movers. I got my queen size bed out of a third story apartment by lowering it with a rope. That's independence! LOL.
My cousin, single dad, divorced for ten years now, never had time to date, he said. Getting the kids to hockey and dance and such just drained him. He's now hit a long term health crisis and he's had to ask his ex to help him get through. If it wasn't for the link with the kids, there'd be no connection at all and he'd be SOL. So even divorced doesn't make you alone if there's kids and the divorce was amicable.
And the cost: my ex couldn't get a lawyer to sign an agreement that we'd made ourselves without us using a mediator's services so that he could be assured that she was giving informed consent. The lawyers' signatures were required so that neither of us could come back in the future and argue that we were coerced. $3100 all told. We'd have done that six months earlier if we'd had the cash. I think it rolls into a divorce agreement pretty much automatically, so that'll probably be only another $600, come November. I should have studied law. | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 3/28/2006 11:04:36 AM | There is a big difference between the laws in the States and Canada when it comes to divorce, some big differences between states and provinces as well.
I'll be getting my divorce as soon as I *legally* can. Legally my ex and I are seperated, but emotionally we are both single. We would both be divorced if the laws didn't force us to be legally seperated for at least one year.
Heck I borrowed the drill from her new boyfriend just the other day when I was stopping by to see the kids.
Word to the not so wise out there - SEPERATED OR DIVORCED MAKES NO DIFFERENCE. it's all how the people with those labels act. A divorced person has just as much chance of getting back together with their ex as someone who's seperated. | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 3/28/2006 11:08:10 AM | You get married and get a piece of paper that says your married.
Does it make you stay married?
You separate yet don't get a piece of paper that says you're divorced. Even if you get that piece of paper, is that going to keep you away from that person if you want to mend fences?
It's about mindset, timing, money. Hell, I'm not going to foot the entire bill right now and that's the only way she'll divorce me.
All in all though, thinks are no so bad.
IMHO. | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 3/28/2006 11:48:45 AM | I'm not sure how proper it is to take this quote out of its thread, but it was on the matter of telling someone if you don't like them on the first date. Not really sure of its relevance there.
How about being naked and getting all hot and heavy and they say some crap like "oh I have a girlfriend and I feel horrible and I cannot do this"
Now they, above, would have a profile status correctly showing 'single.' Much better dating material than 'separated', right?
I can't see myself being on either end of that scenario. | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 3/28/2006 11:59:10 AM | Separated is single... well that is if you are not trying to save your marriage. I have been separated for almost three years now and i can't imagine thinking that in all that time i am considered "in a relationship". Its also difficult for me to get a divorce at the moment, considering we live in different countries, besides i am not in any hurry to get one (theres a long story behind that *grins*)
At first i considered myself married as i was trying to save my marriage but when it became obvious that it wasn't going to work, i picked myself up and got dating again.
Honestly i have found some guys turned on by the fact that i am technically still married. *shrugs* not all guys but some *looks around confused* | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 3/28/2006 12:05:36 PM | No, separated does not mean single.
I didn't date when I was separated for over a year. I felt that as long as we were legally married, I didn't have the right to do anything with another man. JMHO. | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 3/28/2006 12:14:12 PM | | I am amazed at how many people my age (25) are divorced. WTF were you people thinking? | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 3/28/2006 12:17:25 PM | definately not, especially considering that you mention still living together..lol.
Perhaps if the couple in question had been seperated (and living apart) for a year or more I may consider it, but other than that, no way!
OP | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 3/28/2006 1:02:16 PM | Perhaps if the couple in question had been seperated (and living apart) for a year or more I may consider it, but other than that, no way!
And what if they were in a state where they could get a divorce in a month or less?
No offense to those that believe seperated people should be avoided - but to be honest, I think people that think seperated people should be avoided...should be avoided. My guess is that they have trust issues and are probably carrying some nasty baggage. If someone says they are seperated from their spouse and getting a divorce, and you think they are a risk because of a label, then that's YOUR issue, not theirs. | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 3/28/2006 1:09:42 PM | I just love how quick to judge people are around here, specially on what is perceived to be a poor excuse or not. Until you walk in someone else's shoes it is unfair to judge people so recklessly.
Me personally, I am just waiting for the 1 year seperation period to complete so I can file my divorce papers. I can however understand why other people may not be in a position to do the same and it be unfair of me to judge them one way or another.
I am all for people making personal choices in who they date. My issue here is using legal status to determine who is "dateable" is rather short sighted and unfair.
Bandito | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 3/28/2006 1:29:21 PM | Bandito
Legal status is only a small percentage of why I won't date a separated man. In a few years, chances are you will look back and realize that you weren't ready to do anything other than casual (if any) dating at all during the your separation. You will see the issue from the other side of the coin. If you are looking for a lasting relationship, dating someone who is rushing into the next relationship is a mine field that isn't worth getting involved in. | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 3/28/2006 1:54:35 PM | | I personally have been seperated for 4 1/2 years, have no intention what so ever of getting back together. She thought the grass would be greener on the other side and wanted out - so she can pay for the legal fees. I haven't spoke to her since the day she left. So to answer your question, I would say seperated would be single. I guess you really have to judge by the amount of time they have been apart. | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 3/28/2006 3:17:42 PM | @moraima thank you for the advice I am not dating because I was smart enough to know I am not in a position to date yet. The issue goes far beyond my legal status and pretty much has to do with my children who I have custody of. They are a higher priority and need a lot of time to adjust. However, that is my decision and I would like it to remain my decision
The fact is anyone exiting a long term relationship shouldn't go out and rush into another relationship even if you weren't married. I agree totally that this is just being irresponsible...called rebounding.
I don't prescribe that anyone go and "rush" into a relationship. I am a big proponent of "baby steps".
Bandito | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 3/28/2006 3:18:10 PM | Legal is legal....court is court....half is half
Emotional is emotional....done is done....ready is ready, and they aint ever the same thing.
You can have all the resolve in the world, you can fall madly in love with someone, unfinished business is unfinished business. I are one. Say whatever you like, if the legal stuff isnt taken care of, court's coming sooner or later. If the emotional stuff isnt taken care of, something's coming sooner or later. I dont like where Im at in mine, but I tend to fix things I dont like. This state has a way of making that incredibly difficult for people already barely making it, but where there's a will there is a way. | |
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