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| Is separated single?
Posted: 3/30/2006 4:13:26 PM | Maraima,
I never claimed I stopped learning. I hope I never do. I do know a thing or two though, and most importantly - I know myself.
ingle and separated people live totally different lifestyles, lifestyles that the other at that point it time would not be comfortable being part of.
This I disagree with. I am seeing single people now and our lives are no different, everyone has baggage.
If I had lied and put divorced or single on my profile, no one that met me would know any differently.
PS: I am done the healing process. I am ready, as is my ex, to move forward with my life. We are on good terms (think about that...remember she cheated on me) and all annomosity is behind us. I am bound by the laws however, regardless of my emotional readiness. I just don't want to be bound by an unfair stigma. Society should encourage people to do the right thing and be honest, not punish them for it. | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 3/30/2006 5:34:43 PM | Alright verygreeneyez....here we go
I don't want to be a rebound, second
splain Lucy......I understand the whole bounceback thing when a guy or girl runs off and gets all starry eyed about the first pretty face that doesnt laugh and run for the hills.....how do you exactly rebound proof yourself before going on and using another human heart to make sure the one you care about doesnt get crushed by this whole "rebound" thing??
Im mean, is that what you are talking about? the whole, "I need so I want you" thing...or is there something else to it? I havent heard this since high school, and it sounded silly to me then Im suprised it even exists in adults...yet it keeps showing up.
(I think Im gonna take rebound 101 at the community college this fall if this keeps up) | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 3/30/2006 6:18:13 PM | for those of you who say " it's so easy for them to return to their ex... " Do you think that if he\she really wants to go back they're going to stop and say " oh wait...I can't do this...I'm divorced???
to each their own i suppose.... | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 3/30/2006 6:36:39 PM | Vorax and bluesmanon45 - Once you don't even think about, much less talk about any of the issues that were part and parcel of the end of your marriage and realize how unimportant it all is in your life as a whole, then you will be able to have a peaceful life. An unfortunate few never find peace after divorce.
Change subject slightly - I always enjoy the Cuban concept of desolving a marriage. This sounds like a joke but it is really the way it is. Cuban rules of marriage - if you have 7 CCP (convertible Cuban pesos) - no worries. 5CCP to get married and 2 CCP to get divorced. This would be about $10. Cdn. (Average Cuban makes approx. $10. Cdn. a month) Their law says that it must be easier to get out of marriage than into it. (No one has the rite to refuse their spouce a divorce - divorce can be applied for as soon as you no longer live together - after paper are served on the other party, whether or not the party agrees, the divorce is granted automatically after 30 days. Fortunately, or unfortunately Cubans have no wealth to fight over anyway - this takes away divorce hassels. | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 3/30/2006 6:36:59 PM | blues: I can truthfully only answer for me. Rebounding is not only alive and well, it's extremely common. I did not date for a year post-divorce, out of respect for myself, my ex and my son. In addition, I was so damn happy that I didn't need nor want to date. Once I felt that dating was appropriate, I was in no way looking for anything long-term or heartfelt. I needed time to know me again. It was nearly three years before I embarked on a "relationship." In that length of time, I was not even remotely the same person that I was when married. That is how I base my opinion. What leaves a bad marriage/relationship isn't necessarily the same person that will emerge later. I didn't want to mislead anyone, knowing full well that I had an immense amount of work to do, on me. So, rebounding in my book isn't about being used by someone, it is about my personal knowledge that when newly single, it is healthiest to spend a lot of alone time, which most just don't do. Most jump into the dating world and lick their wounds. It isn't for me. The beauty of opinions, we are all entitled to our own. I hope whatever you do works for you. I'm just one person that doesn't feel it's appropriate to jump into something.  | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 3/30/2006 6:44:48 PM | Good post to read, thanks...never heard it talked about like that...makes perfect sense...perfect.
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 3/30/2006 7:30:04 PM | for my opinion what I like about this most is since I was married and am now waiting for the divorce papers because we already have the seperation agreement and custody settled I am still separated. I know a guy that was seeing a girl for 5 years lived together for only 9 mts. Now he is single and as far as I know nobody says he has to wait a year or two to date.
I also like to hear the seperation problem is because of one guy/girl they knew. I am glad to know that single or divorced poeple never break hearts or cause trouble with past relationships.
Everybody might rebound there is no set time limit on how long or short for that to happen. But being one of the seperated you would say I am bias. I personal think that you have to make a jugement on a person to person level.
If you have a rule that says you don't date seperated people or one year after the divorce I hope you have it for the right reason. Having gone thru the seperation part, I am glad I have learned what it feels like because I know I will be better equiped to tell if someone I meet is rebounding or ready to start a relationship regardless if they are seperated, divorced, or single.
just my opinion | |
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floky
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Joined: 1/17/2006
Msg: 333 | |
| Is separated single?
Posted: 3/30/2006 7:50:23 PM | cegsfine, you are right it is your life. ( such as it is) I don't have to like it. I sure wouldn't live
it. Have you heard of legal aid? All states have it and if you really want out contact them.most divorces don't go smoothly, but it is better than living in hell. Lots of luck to you. | |
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daisie
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Joined: 9/22/2004
Msg: 334 | |
| Is separated single?
Posted: 3/30/2006 8:06:12 PM | | I have been involved with "separated" men in the past...both times we ended up in long term relationships that were very good all around. However, I would NOT get involved with a separated guy again. I'm not in a big hurry and I DON'T want a guy who is in a big hurry. If he can't use his "separation" time wisely and appreciate it as a time for him to do some reflection and LEARN from his own mistakes in his relationship ( possibly to decide he want to return to his wife...which should take precedent over a new fling with me) and if he is incapable of being alone, on his own, independent for a while then I am certainly NOT interested in him. | |
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floky
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Joined: 1/17/2006
Msg: 335 | |
| Is separated single?
Posted: 3/30/2006 8:14:21 PM | you said men don't leave their wives then you said you were the one that left. So if you are not a man then what are you? I have no fears or doubts. I just don't want to have anything to do with separated or married men because I think it is wrong to date them. Being friendly with them is okay.I think I have a little bit more experience than you do.What you do with your marriage is your business I could care less. I could say a lot but I won't. | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 3/30/2006 8:17:27 PM | | I dont really understand the stay under the same room until the other has a job thing. I was a stay at home Mom. I gave up a government job because when I was 18 and stupid I thought that this was love and sure I will relocate and we will live happily ever after. I have to admit that I was extremely naive because of age and other circumstances in my life. In hindsight I can see all the signs....and I know that through that time I was a fantastic women,wife, lover and Mom. I left....physically separated. I got a job at a 7-11 and struggled with stuff and my daughter and I sold alot of our things to consignment stores etc to just survive. But I did move out of the house. I did, with my daughter and my son, relocated to another town and we temperarily did social assistance. We had nothing..alot of times supper was a potato......but...we had each other. I am proud of where my kids and I are now. So, on the subject of separation....I was not single then....I was struggling...finding work, raising teenagers and am now divorced....He wanted it badly cuz he had a new victim in the wings to marry. I am a strong woman now....and I started this thread to just see how things have either stayed the same or changed since my experience.... | |
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floky
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Joined: 1/17/2006
Msg: 337 | |
| Is separated single?
Posted: 3/30/2006 9:03:29 PM | stillinlimbo It wouldn't do you any good to ask me out because I would not go out with a guy like you for more reasons than your being separated. #1 You are a jerk.#2 Look in the mirrow you look as bad on the outside as you are rotten on the inside.# 3 you assume things you know nothing about. # 4 You two guys are the one's with the baggage. I STAND BY WHAT I SAID ( THERE IS NO FUTURE IN SEPARATED OR MARRIED MEN ) I have a lot of happy memories from my marriage. What do you two turkeys have? I read this thread and others too and believe me I've seen plenty.You have been told off more than once. I do trust people till they give me reason not to. The reason is plain or are you to dumb to figure it out! I can be just as smart-mouthed as you can.As for what I wrote about C H. It is the truth.  | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 3/30/2006 10:13:55 PM | Hello everyone
to the question at hand is separated single. well yes and no I think it depends on the situation I have not dated anyone who is separated but fell in love with someone who was not happy in her marrige. we started out as friends and I told her that was great by me because we have a strong friendship she wants to leave her marrige but hasnt yet but says she is going to and I told her that she has to decide that on her own . She knows how I feels and she has feelings for me but she repects her marrige and is confused right now so i told her that i should not be around for now until she decides what to do for herself. Its a crappy situation but I feel I made the right decision in telling her that I should not be around even tho she wants our friendship to remain intact I told her it was hard to just be friends because I love her even tho friendship comes first before anything We have been friends for 6 months and have become close no physical just emotional ties but It wouldnt be fair to anyone in this situation to proceed I dont think it would be wise to call separated single until all emotional things are delt with for one It hurts to much | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 3/30/2006 11:41:25 PM | Some random thoughts:
This is hilarious how many women who are divorced have 'single' on their profiles! There's a reason its given as a choice, ladies. Divorced is not single. I wouldn't date someone who doesn't give an honest answer to a simple question! Are you afraid to be seen as having baggage? TFF!!!
So if I was Cuban, I'd be good to go. Or if I lived in Illinois.
From Moraima:
Those growth years (not being involved with anyone) where invalueable in becoming the person I am today. . There's another thread on dating widows but I think you have to consider that you presumably loved your SO until he passed away. So you went from being involved with someone to not being involved in a very sudden fashion. My condolences.
@ Verysweet, same thing. Its not polite of me to ask, perhaps, but consider: were you intimate with your ex up to the point of moving out, more or less? Or were you sleeping on the couch for a few years? There's nothing like an empty bed to give you lots of time to heal, I say.
Like Vorax, I've not been in a relationship for some years while still married. Except she slept on the couch and I got the kids. LOL. Since I work 60 hours a week, plus a two hour roundtrip commute, there's not much of a relationship to heal from. (I'll concede I'm not much of a catch with that work schedule, but that's the deal whether I'm married, separated, or divorced.) (Also not much of a catch because I'm such an obnoxious **stard.) I will admit I was pretty pissed off at women in general the first time she left, three years ago, and we spent a ton of money on lawyers before agreeing to call it off four months later. I didn't even think about dating then. | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 3/31/2006 1:03:45 AM | Re:
If he can't use his "separation" time wisely and appreciate it as a time for him to do some reflection and LEARN from his own mistakes in his relationship ( possibly to decide he want to return to his wife...which should take precedent over a new fling with me) and if he is incapable of being alone, on his own, independent for a while then I am certainly NOT interested in him.
What makes you think it was "HIS" mistake...oh I forgot women are never the ones that decide to cheat etc. Nobody is perfect we all make mistakes, each seperation has to be looked after differently. Why did it happen and how long ago it took place.
Reading through all the posts on here it is amazing how many women figure it was the guy that screwed up..... SOMETIMES women do not choose to communicate how they feel or what their intentions are - and then 1 day out of the blue she says "I want out of this relationship". Nothing said or shown up to that day that anything like that would ever happen. She doesn't want to seek help to try to fix what ever is wrong, she just wants out.
SO women are just as guilty when it comes to f**king up relationships as men are.
I know your thinking, well why did she leave what did "you" do to make her want to leave. Just so it can be pinned on us once again, but there are times when they have found someone else they would like to be with. Doesn't always have to be that we did something to provoke it. | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 3/31/2006 1:38:47 AM | I am, by All definitions, single.
My view on the topic of the thread is:
Single means not married.
Divorced, widowed means single (because they're not married, get it?)
Separated means married. Thousands, maybe millions of people are separated, still married.
I have a friend that his wife "ran off" almost 30 years ago - he's separated, not divorced.
By the way, annullment means single, disillusionment means single. (although I would personally catagorize them as divorced). | |
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daisie
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Joined: 9/22/2004
Msg: 342 | |
| Is separated single?
Posted: 3/31/2006 2:50:43 AM | YOURDELIGHTS: Dude...RELAX!!!!! Take a breath, count to 10 and put your thinking cap back on. NOWHERE in my post did I imply the woman does not make mistakes and the only way you could come to that conclusion is if you are a bit hyper-sensitive and easily freaked out.
Being like that makes it difficult to communicate with anyone and could certainly contribute to the termination of a relationship. It might be worth your reflecting on and trying to learn from so you don't repeat it.
Now after you're all calmed down go back and re-read my post and perhaps you can understand what is ACTUALLY written there and what it truly means...without your twisting it all around to get your knickers in a knot. | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 3/31/2006 3:10:35 AM | | I've no problem with someone being separated, though I would be concerned if the separation was fairly recent. But if they are still under the same roof, I don't care how genuine it is - I am not interested. Got the T shirt on that one.... | |
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| living in the "same" area
Posted: 3/31/2006 3:28:43 AM | | for one, experience has shown me disasterous results..for two...remember they have a roller coaster of emotions..do you want to get caught up in it?? stability is what you look for..it is hard enough finding it with a totally "single" person..for three the "cord" does not seem to be cut...you can always find "alternatives" to living situations..might take sacrifice but you can find them...for fourth...divorce is supposed to mean you can not "live" together...makes sense?? rda | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 3/31/2006 4:42:26 AM | Moraima
Vorax and bluesmanon45 - Once you don't even think about, much less talk about any of the issues that were part and parcel of the end of your marriage and realize how unimportant it all is in your life as a whole, then you will be able to have a peaceful life. An unfortunate few never find peace after divorce.
LOL - This was a trap!! I don't talk about it or think about it anymore - except on this thread and only to explain that it's all done and was done a long time ago!! This is exactly why this thread bothers me. I've faced the demons, my ex has faced the demons, we are at peace with each other and our selves.
Perhaps instead of explaining how things used to be, I should give an example of where they are now:
Last week I borrowed a drill from her boyfriend at her house. We discussed the best bit to use for getting through alimumnun for a 9/64th screw. I gave my kids a hug and told them to be good for their mom and him. Wished everyone a great weekend and left, went home and prepared for a date -- that's at peace folks. I know MANY divorced people that aren't at that kind of peace.
I only have the seperated title because of the law in Ontario -- it's a label, nothing more. I am as single as anyone that's single or divorced. | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 3/31/2006 5:27:20 AM | When reading through these postings it is easy to pick out the people who are mentally single and those who argue that they are - their arguements proving exactly the opposite. Self honest is one the hardest things to accomplish. It requires much alone time, much thought, and much courage. So many people just want an easy button for that they can fast forward to where they want to be. Life doesn't work that way.
Regardless of someone's status, I won't get involved with them if they aren't mentally single even if they haven't been in a marriage for decades. Some people have the necessary tools to get over trama and some don't. No matter how much I may want to, I can't help them with work they must do themselves. | |
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Zep
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Joined: 3/31/2006
Msg: 347 | |
| Is separated single?
Posted: 3/31/2006 5:56:27 AM | | Anyone whi is burning in the pan and yet wants to jump in the fire lacks good judgement and will probably bring you nothing but trouble. | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 3/31/2006 6:51:50 AM | | ok I have been seperated 6 years.....pay my child support,now she wants spousel support......can she get it.....she has been living with a guy for 6 months now????????? | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 3/31/2006 9:58:37 AM | To a large degree, the respondants here are split on a gender line. Not completely, but.
I was reading a McCleans magazine article (its like a Canadian 'Times') that was based on a book written by a woman. (I'll go find it again to reference it here.) Her theme was that middle-aged men who are single are looking for a replacement wife, who would do for them the traditional wifey things. They were floundering, she says, for not having that 'other half.'
By contrast, women of that age were finding that they were enjoying their independence and had no interest in taking on the role of "wife" again. Companionship and sex were their motivators in a relationship. So both sides have to ask what you are looking for in a candidate for a date.
In an earlier post I stated that if I were looking for a LTR, I'd be leery of the chronically single. I'd expect a lack of ability to compromise. However, as my profile states, I'm not expecting a new live-in lover. Not without a few years of (exclusive) dating. | |
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