floky
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Joined: 1/17/2006
Msg: 476 | |
| Is separated single?
Posted: 4/12/2006 9:22:41 PM | Hit a sore spot huh! How many gray areas can you find in "is separated single"? There are only two answers. Yes or no. NO! no! no!I made a lot of decisions and choices in my marriage. I worked at making my marriage work.I did not file for divorce when I didn't get my way. Too many people now days do not try very hard to keep a marriage together.
So they separate and play around.I do not care what anyone says it is wrong to have sex with anyone other than your spouse.And it does not take 3-5 years to get a divorce. They just don't want one bad enough! The comment was not enane! | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 4/13/2006 4:07:34 AM | 'hi ghboy' couldn't say it better on behalf of separated adults considering themselves.
Single enough for what?
...playing?...living together? ...committing to forever?...getting married?
and
...where are you at and what do you want?
...where are they at and what do they want?
(There are exception to this when the other party disappeared from the face of earth.)
Then children - usually - enter this equation and another aspects arise:
Could it be because the childrens happiness has to be first and foremost?..We all want to be happy...but not at the expense of our children...perhaps separation is a way of easing them into a new lifestyle rather than just dropping the "Your father and i...." out of the blue...children are very perseptive...they see things long before you take the initiative to discuss them... 
Do children have a say to what adults should do when united front of mummy/daddy start to crumble? Or is it going to be eternal parents sacrifice because of stigma / "broken home" label? Mentioning this "label", it only feels as much as you allow it to be felt. Who cares what other think? Do others make your life? I don't think so (not in my case).
Two people living under the same roof and being separated at same time cannot be happy and the atmoshere can't be good. It always affects one person more and it makes difficult for that person to function happily on that normal level. Maybe some people are more emotional than others but children pick up on any negative emotions very quickly. Maybe some people are better at acting than others. But is there a place for a new partner or a new relationship or are you putting your life on hold completely?
It really boils down to what people want from life.
Afterall what children need is love - affection - security - stability and pattern.
Everybody wants to love and being loved. Unless you close one chapter of your life you cannot open another one. And if you do that's just another emotional upheaval.
buzz | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 4/13/2006 7:07:32 AM | | And it does not take 3-5 years to get a divorce. They just don't want one bad enough! Floky you are so very wrong there it can take that long. when parties cant agree on things it takes forever. You have no idea what your saying there at all. You have to look at the whole situation and know the circumstances before you can make a comment like that. You dont know my situation totally so dont tell me it cant take that long, and that I dont want it bad enough. | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 4/13/2006 9:15:47 AM | | I feel that i have to make a comment here. I have been married and divorced, sometimes it takes 6 months sometimes 5 years, it all depends on circumstance, and the couple involved.I think it is harsh to put somebody down just because it has taken them longer. Divorce is never easy, it is painful and soul destroying. Maybe we should all have a little more thought and compassion for our fellow divorce friends, and not be so self opinionated and harsh. | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 4/13/2006 9:45:08 AM | I'm separated. I bought my own house. I pay my own bills. I share custody of my kids. My ex and I live in differnent cities. The only reason I don't have a divorce is because it's $1000 for the lawyer, and we have to have 2 lawyers between the family. Someone wanna lend me the money - I'll get a divorce in a heartbeat. (I know, it's $500 for a retainer and that doesn't include the paperwork). This is Ontario, mind you.
But there's no way in h*ll I'd consider myself anything more than totally free and available. My ex has been seeing someone for a year. I've been separated for 2 1/2. Don't worry, folks. There's no reunion happenin' with him. Ever. | |
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floky
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Joined: 1/17/2006
Msg: 481 | |
| Is separated single?
Posted: 4/13/2006 9:57:32 AM | | cegsfine,I say it boils down to who gets what. If you want to fight forever and live in hell argueing over money that is your business.Evidently you want money more than peace or you would already be divorced.Whether both parties agree or not your lawers can hash out something in 3-5 years time unless both of you are greedy as hell or happy as things stand.It seems you are taking what I say personally. I think I know a little bit more about life and how things are than you do.I don't have to know your circumstances.You are the one who doesn't understand your options or don't want to. I stand by the comment. It does not take 3-5 years to get a divorce if you really want one. | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 4/13/2006 11:09:20 AM | well floky.....i have to agree with cegsfine on this. it can take 3-5 years, and often money and property is the least of the concerns, so unless you are privy to all the details surrounding each individual case, you really should not make such sweeping generalizations. what may have applied to your divorce, may not be the case for others.
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 4/13/2006 3:12:36 PM | I have been separated and living in a different residence since Aug. of 2003. She had JUST started to further her education to move from an LPN to RN. We took a year to go to counseling and try to see if we can save it... after a year... we were talking at the house and basically in a very casual conversation to divorce because neither of us felt that in the past year we hadn’t made any progress. We discussed a lot over the next few weeks. And getting back together was not one of them. We have a child, house and lots of other issues to work out.
Now remember I had said that she had just started to further her education to become and RN. I decided... and when I say I mean ME, that if she did not complete her RN schooling that it would have a DIRECT impact on my Childs life. So I told her that I would not be looking to file until AFTER she is completely done with school and had taken her board tests. so now fast forward to current date... she is done with school next month, and she has spoken to her attorney and I have an appointment at 9:30 on Monday and we have talked about who gets what and have spent the last 2 years ironing out as much as we can between US with out having to pay someone else.. Oh and get this....we are actually friendly... and laugh and even tell jokes to each other... imagine that... a friendly divorce... we both agree that the ONLY person to get really hurt if it is any other way would be our son. We BOTH know that there is ZERO chance of reconciliation. It is nothing that one person had done more then the other... we both agrees that the communication breakdown is what started it all....and it snowballed from there. I have seen comments about reflecting on where it went wrong... and I have done that... and I have actually been to a shrink about it to make sure I understood where “I " went wrong. and I have learned a lot about myself over the last 2+ years and will carry that over into my next relationship....so am I wrong for wanting my {ex}-wife to succeed? Is it wrong to not make her "worry about” a divorce while she is in school... though yes she was thinking about it and we talked about it... but in a way it was less pressure on her while trying to succeed. Sure I could have been divorced in a matter of months... but I like to think I am a better person for not MAKEING her do it while she was in school... I like to think of it as respect... I still respect her... I still want her to succeed...and I am still proud of her accomplishments..... But I am NOT in love with her.... and she is not IN LOVE with me.
Does any one know anyone that was divorced and got remarried after a few years? Oh wait. That can’t possibly happen can it? The whole thing of " well you can always work it out if you are separated is just a security issue, you have the choice to get over it and sometimes get over yourself. or actually listen to the other person and then make a judgment based upon what you hear from them... hell I even encourage you to talk to my {ex}wife so that she can tell you as well where her and I are. Let me dial the number for you. I know that not all males are honest... but how many females are just as bad? This has been pointed out many times... but it is true.
Floky, you said it doesn’t take years for a divorce... maybe not, but perhaps if you open your eyes and see that there are people that can work a majority of the issues out between themselves and keep their word when promises are made... such as in my case...it can take that long. So am I a bad person for doing it this way? I don’t think so. Could I have filed right away and 90 days later have a little piece of paper tell me something that I already know? I could have.... but I didn’t because I gave someone my word... and that person is the mother of my child and I want my child to respect me and the way we did things. People ask me if I am happy that I am soon going to be divorced... I say no... What is there to be happy about? A failed marriage? I wouldnt describe it as happy... I am over it ....but not happy about being another divorce statistic.
Is separated single... no it isn’t... but it certainly is a double standard when it comes to women and men. Just like the child issue... I have seen many profiles between here and the pay dating site I belong to that the female has kids and does not want anyone with kids of their own.. But insist that the guy must accept her kids as part of the package deal. bit that is a whole different issue alone. | |
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sdcoll
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Joined: 12/28/2005
Msg: 484 | |
| Is separated single?
Posted: 4/13/2006 4:34:04 PM | | well i didnt read to whole tread but in my case seperate is being single.but it tough to start another relationship with that piece of paper following u around.i have dated with out guilt so theres one example of being a seperated single.just my 2 cents thats all | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 4/13/2006 5:01:46 PM | I've been reading this and have finally decided to post.
I'm Seperated and I recently began living with my b/f.
Why don't I have a divorce? $40,000 worth of debt my ex left, $2,000 required to start my divorce and oh ya...my 4 daughters to support on my own.
Add to that the fact that nobody can find him...(hence the $40,000 in debt left soley on MY plate)
I hate what marriage has become. It's a piece of paper.
True marriages are of the heart. Do I plan to re-marry? Yes once I can find the ex and serve him! Do I need the paper? No. I have a paper out there that says I'm the wife of man A...the reality is I'm not. When he hit me and my children he broke our marriage vows. Am I single? I was until I began dating my Tower. Am I ready for a commitment? Hell yes!
Does my situation dictate how life will or should be for others? HELL NO!
Tower had his dating rules, no smokers, no kids, no "seperated"...he chose to look beyond the box he had made for himself and we are both lucky that he chose to open up to possibilities...
Each person will decide what they consider date-able...it's just sad to see so many that limit their options and then whine about being alone...
Just my two cents
BTW...PuppetMaster...you I believe have said it best! Hats off to you woman! *HUGZ*
~M.A~ | |
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floky
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Joined: 1/17/2006
Msg: 486 | |
| Is separated single?
Posted: 4/13/2006 9:26:59 PM | puppetmaster,That is fine if you agree with cegsfine, that is your right.But you missed the point, which was:IF YOU REALLY WANT A DIVORCE.I wish cegsfine the best and I hope she can solve her problems.A question: what has all this got to do with the question, IS SEPARATED SINGLE? And I am not divorced I am widowed.I worked hard to keep my marriage in good shape. | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 4/13/2006 9:49:40 PM | | Yes, I agree dolphinegirl.....it can be a major devastation to some and a self esteem crusher. And, sometimes when someone is newly vulnerable...another person who befriends them and displays interest in them, makes them feel wanted and needed and desired is their esteem "salvation"....so, I would caution ones in that circumstance....and, I know......I might get the boo's for this statement | |
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floky
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Joined: 1/17/2006
Msg: 488 | |
| Is separated single?
Posted: 4/13/2006 9:52:21 PM | funnyfireguy, You also missed the point. I said :"if you really want a divorce." It is your life and your own opinion is the only one that matters. Personally I would not live like that tied to one person. I would want to get on with my life, so I would have that divorce in the 90 days you mentioned.If I was the one wanting the divorce I would pack my personal things, take my children and leave and to hell with the rest of it. Why live in misery? Men and women alike have to pay support for thier children .I don't believe in adultry, so being separated and sleeping around would not work for me. OTHERS:I want it understood that I am not judging anyone or putting anyone down. What works for some would not work for me. | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 4/13/2006 10:02:22 PM | @funnyfireguy...
You are a rare guy and I commend you for being a decent person. I wish you the best! | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 4/13/2006 11:32:14 PM | Sunshine says:
...another person who befriends them and displays interest in them, makes them feel wanted and needed and desired is their esteem "salvation"....
That's exactly what happened to me! I met someone that befriended me and displayed interest in me and made me feel wanted and needed and desired!
I wasn't coming out of a relationship at the time, though. I hadn't really ever been in a relationship of much merit. Anyway, I married that girl. And it didn't work out. Took twenty years to full failure but I realize that having someone admire and show interest in me is not sufficient reason to marry them. Pedestals make me dizzy.
In other news, why did my post to this thread about my search for a thin, brunette, atheist, Irish virgin with children get deleted? I thought I was making a valid point. And, I wanted to show it to the thin, brunette, Irishwoman I'm booked for a date with. (We haven't discussed yet whether she matches my other criteria but I've decided to live dangerously just this once.) | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 4/14/2006 1:09:19 AM | | Nope seperated is still married. I would never want to be in the way of unfinished business. Plus I would hate to hurt anyone.. for me it would be the wife I could hurt by seeing her husband while seperated and she thinkin they might get back together. I would not do that to another woman. | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 4/14/2006 2:04:15 AM | | someone told me...don't date him till the papers are signed! that's men though ;) they'll say almost anything to get it! seperation is one of the things they'll try...hmm | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 4/14/2006 4:04:22 AM | ahhhhh thanks MA
and no floky....it is you that is missing the point. and that is there are legitimate reasons that a divorce may not be issued within a year, and if you go back and read both my first post and MA's post you might just see that. the fact of the matter is, is it takes two to get married, and two to get divorced.......and if one of the parties cannot be found, then it takes at least 4 years for the courts to finalize the divorce, from the first day the papers are filed. unless of course you have a spare 5 grand sitting around to cover the costs of ad's in approxamately 25 papers for 10 days.
anyway this is my last post on the subject, "there is none so blind as he who chooses not to see"...have fun all | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 4/14/2006 4:38:44 AM |
Everybody wants to love and being loved. Unless you close one chapter of your life you cannot open another one. And if you do that's just another emotional upheaval.
Exactly! This is ALL that it boils down to. When your life is tied to another, be it legally, emotionally, and most especially physically (by still living in the same residence but considering yourselves "separated") you have no business offering (or thinking you can offer) anything of yourself to another person. | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 4/14/2006 5:58:27 AM | So true I have a friend that was going to seperate from her husband and she started to have feelings for someone else when she told her husband she wanted to leave he put on the charm he started being the way he should of been all the time in there marrige she has her doults that it is only that he is being this way because she wants to leave I told her that she has to follow her heart and mind she is still emotionally attached and until she can decide what she wants for herself she now is really confused And the person she has feelings for is willing to walk away because he has feeling for her to and would do what it takes for her to be happy no matter what the out come.
She is the only one who can decide and in her mind she might be seperated but she is still married
it is so hard sometimes but life gos on | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 4/14/2006 6:02:10 AM | NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO>
This is a question everyone already knows the answer to.
And as for not having the money, time, resources, support or whatever the excuse is for NOT divorcing.....
Another RED FLAG....why would you want someone who is unable to be in control of their life financially, emotionally, etc............
Get a grip....SEPERATED is the SAME as MARRIED folks 'cause you're NOT DIVORCED!!!!!!!! | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 4/14/2006 9:47:30 AM | | I've been separated for 14+years. My X and I have not seen or spoken to each other in all those years. I wouldn't even know where to serve him papers! I don't think being divorced makes a difference. What about long term commonlaw relationships? Couples have gotten back together and remarried. There are no guarantees. I think what's important is the length of time the person has been on their own...are there still emotional ties to the old relationship and has the person dealt with the problems that led to the breakup. Whether legally married or not if a person has just recently left (<1year) a long term relationship they are not ready, emotionally, to begin a new one. My rule is: end one before starting another...take the time to heal & don't bring old stuff into a new relationship. Nothing worse than paying for others' mistakes! | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 4/14/2006 9:57:16 AM | floky
Where do you get off making judgements about people you know nothing about? Just because you're old and sound quite bitter doesn't mean you more about life and how things are! I'm an older person too and have been through the ringer more than once but I have learnt many life lessons from younger friends and my kids. Hopefully, I will keep learning and keep an open mind. | |
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floky
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Joined: 1/17/2006
Msg: 499 | |
| Is separated single?
Posted: 4/14/2006 12:21:15 PM | painter 007, Good for you I couldn't have said it better!! | |
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floky
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Joined: 1/17/2006
Msg: 500 | |
| Is separated single?
Posted: 4/14/2006 12:27:11 PM | | organeoprincess, thank you for telling it like it is. | |
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