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| Is separated single?
Posted: 4/14/2006 12:36:32 PM | Thank you WittyKitty! For the past couple of days i've been mulling over how to respond to Floky in a decent manner.
No, separated is still not single which was the original thread. It is however IMHO a label and does not mean that a person who has been separated for numerous years is not emotionally able or ready to move on in life and be in a relationship with someone else.
And from Floky's last response, she must be reading the entire thread now to see everyone's opinions on the matter.
EVERYONE'S situation is different Floky. And EVERYONE has their own opinion.
Happy Easter and Passover all.  | |
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floky
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Joined: 1/17/2006
Msg: 502 | |
| Is separated single?
Posted: 4/14/2006 1:01:08 PM | whittykitty53, Well where do you get off judging me. You know nothing about me. I have judged no one in my posts, just my feelings, knowledge,and opinion about things.I am not bitter as I have nothing to be bitter about. Age is just a number and if you are lucky you will still have it when you are my age. I probably have more in common with younger people than you. If it makes people angry that I don't believe in commiting adultry, then so be it.Tough s%$#.
puppetmaster, You have a good reason. some dont. I don't exspect everyone to agree with me.Everyone has the right to thier own opinion.
deminandlace46,I have read the thread from the start and do value others opinion.Kittywitty53 is really wrong about me but,nevertheless she has to live her life as she sees fit, and she has a right to her opinion. | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 4/14/2006 1:28:10 PM | Floky, then you can see why my being separated for the past 16yrs does not in the legal sense mean i'm single. However, it does mean I am able to move on with my life both emotionally and physically.
If the time comes that I myself feel the need to obtain a Divorce then I will most certainly do so. As it stands now, there is no possible way that I would EVER go back to my ex and i'm sure he feels the same way.
Yes there is a generation gap between you and I which does enable us to think differently about certain issues and we are both welcome to our opinions of course. | |
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floky
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Joined: 1/17/2006
Msg: 504 | |
| Is separated single?
Posted: 4/15/2006 7:10:53 PM | deminandlace, I don't think a generation gap has anything to do with it. I could be wrong about that,but I am very young thinking and acting.I think maybe it is how we are raised . People make different chioces. I know a lot of people say this is the 2000's, hardly anybody gets married anymore, we just will live together.That might work for them but not for me.I just try to do what I feel is the right thing for me.What others do is thier business, and your own opinion is the one that counts. We each have to live our lives as we see fit.Reguardless of the difference of opinions in how we choose to live. I wish you the best and hope you find that special someone if that is your wish. | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 4/15/2006 8:58:16 PM |
anyway this is my last post on the subject, "there is none so blind as he who chooses not to see"..
Ditto.... | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 4/15/2006 9:18:12 PM | to the OP
No I would not date someone who was not legally and completely out of the marriage. Sounds like a potential for drama to do otherwise. not for me. | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 4/18/2006 10:30:47 AM | | Wow, this has been a long thread. I think some people have been a little narrow-minded, though. I see the merits and points of most of the comments, but really, there are many different situations in different relationships to generalize. Some people would just rather have a blanket policy of not dating separated people and that takes care of the issue and that is their business if they want to think that way. But I know in my situation that I left the house and didn't plan on going back and I filed for divorce right after leaving. It still wasn't final, but I considered myself single and started dating. I don't think there is anything wrong with that. Now if someone hasn't filed for divorce, then I can see how someone might perceive that in a negative way. I've had friends that have been in one of those relationships just to have the person go back their spouse. Now I understand that this could still happen even if one person has filed for divorce, I know, but the act of filing is a significant sign that a person truly wants to be divorced. I know it takes some money to file, so there might be an amount of time before someone can, but it should be as soon as possible if someone is serious about ending their marriage. So the original question, is "separated" single? I would say not in the legal sense, but it might be in the emotional sense, depending on the situation. I think you just have to play things like that by ear and get a feeling for it as it goes along. Just my two cents. | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 4/18/2006 11:01:17 AM | I'm the first to agree that 'seperated' doesn't always mean 'available', but you have to find out why the seperation took place to really make that call. My case is a great example. I've only been separated for 7 months, but it was escaping an emotionally abusive relationship. When I left, I took our son (who I managed to get sole custody of) and there was no chance of reconcilliation the moment I decided to walk out the door. I spent most of my time happily single and re-building my shattered self-image. I met a woman (off here actually, and a big HI SWEETIE if you're reading this) who is also seperated for much longer than me. Divorce can be an expensive and complicated ordeal, and neither one of us questions the spot that our ex-mates have in our lives.
Quite often, people need to leave that door open for security reasons, but sometimes people just can't invest the funds towards it early on, and it becomes harder to afford it as time passes... | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 4/18/2006 11:09:42 AM | | Yes ur single if ur seperated - but tread lightly in that pool kiddies - it ain't over til the fat lady sings. Or Um signs the divorce papers. Ok don't get all huffy over the fat thing its a joke. I feel the bullets comin already - and the 'what about when the fat man signs the papers' - yes that too. :) oops another bullet - damn i'm quick. | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 4/18/2006 11:23:35 AM | Not sure if this particular opinion has already been expressed, but there are some states (South Carolina is one), where you MUST be SEPARATE and APART for a full year BEFORE they can even think about asking for a divorce (unless there is proof of mental or physical abuse,,this includes substance abuse). If it is for any other reason, you have to wait. So, what if you spend that time apart, and the marriage is truly over, and all that remains is for a judge to sign the dotted line? What if the marriage was over for years, but a facade was maintained "for the kids sake"? A lot of "what-ifs" to consider. To answer the OP's original question,,,,,if I were looking for long-term, then I would not involve myself with anyone that is not legally single. If I am not looking for long-term, then what is the harm in seeing someone that is separated? Is the separated person him/herself looking for long or short term? Maybe that person just needs someone to be with for pure physical comfort,,,,to help alleviate the stress of a broken relationship. Lots of questions that need to be answered when asking "involve or not with separated person". It is too easy to discount someone who is separated and "accuse" that person of being nothing but a sneak-thief-- someone who is just playing the market, all the time happily married and gets his/her jollies by being deceptive with other people. I will say, however, that being truthfully separated brings with it a more responsible attitude and approach to dealing with other people and their feelings. Sometimes, its better to just say up front "until I am legally divorced, this is all I can offer". The choice then is to either take it as offered or politely decline and move on.
Thanks for reading. | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 4/18/2006 7:03:31 PM | Hi all ok I've been reading all the post. About being seperated and dating.
I've been seperated now for 8 years and there no way in hell my ex is ever coming back why well cus he's in russia. For me it was over when he left. But getting into the whole dating seen again I find that if you tell people right off that you are seperated they tend to run and hid. Maybe its just me.
Here in alberta where I am the cost of getting a devorce is about $250. | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 4/18/2006 7:36:56 PM | people, you're being damn foolish for NEVER considering to date separated people.
(1) if you can't size up whether a separated person COULD return to their X, you're just not capable of analyzing situations, you live your life totally by labels
(2) you could be passing up opportunities for GREAT relationships.
so keep on living your life foolishly by labelling others with black and white colors; you're just limiting your chance to find a great relationship, and giving open-minded people like me more chances of finding AWESOME people. | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 4/20/2006 7:37:38 AM | | You can only see what you want to I guess, Its got alot to do with money yes, cause thats what it takes to care for my kids, or are you not smart enough to understand that. My kids are whats important, and for them to have equal time with me and their dad, and i will fight to the end to make life good for them with me and him, if ya have a problem with that then get over it. You just sit back and think you know what your talkin about and leave me outta your stupidity , open minded is the way to be and you are so not there. So when it comes to me feel free to keep your opinions to your self ty. | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 4/20/2006 8:24:38 AM | As usually each person's situation is different - so when I see 'separated' I try to find out more. I would be cautious about a guy who is going to family gathers with the ex and children. If they are such good friends then why are they apart? I would do some questioning....
I know in my situation my marriage was over 7 years before I decided to separate but sleeping on the sofa every night does not count as being 'separated'. We started living separate but under the same roof (I make an apartment in our basement) 2 1/2 years ago and I got him to move out 1 1/2 years ago - but he is taking me to court for our son (not our daughter - only our son) and this process could take as long as 2 more years. Of course there is a lot more to the situation - but that is it in a nutshell.
One of the first questions asked of me is 'any chance of you getting back together with him?'
The answer is - never - even if he was the last man on Earth. I can't even look at him anymore because of what he is putting my children thru. He's told me he never wanted me in the first place - yet he won't let me go.
I enjoy meeting people and if something happens and I meet a terrific guy I can see sending the rest of my life with then I will take it from there - one way or the other you take it slow and see what happens.
If I guy put 'divorced' put was only 'separated' I would take that as a red flag too..... | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 4/20/2006 8:44:18 AM | | I say NO! I would not, personally, involve my self in a situation as this that could result in a myriad of problems. | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 4/20/2006 8:52:22 AM | You all have certainly made very good points regarding whether or not 'separated' is single...i am separated. Have been for almost a year now. My marriage has been over for 4 years...however, it took me a long time to tell him that I was leaving...because of the children...it just got to the point that I couldn't even stand to look at him anymore. When he would kiss me, I would feel so repulsed it wasn't even fit! I would go out alot just to avoid being with him...so he would be in bed by the time I got home, and I wouldn't have to deal with him.....of course, my mistake was, the children suffered because of that..i wasn't thinking that they were missing their mother being home...so finally, I took the children, and left him....I had enough of the mental and emotional abuse he was putting me through...and not taking any responsibility for it...not that I'm saying I hadn't made my share of mistakes..but it takes two to make or break a marriage...or any relationship for that matter...
The funny thing is, sometimes when people see 'separated' on a profile, or I even mention the word, a red flag automatically goes up....and it's not fair. Personally, I consider myself single. I have no involvement with my ex unless it involves the children. There is no chance in HELL that I would ever get back with him. When I can't even stand to be in the same room with him, that's usually an indication that it's over. So, when most people ask whether i'm single or not..i always say yes..because i am....there's no ring on my finger, and my name on a piece of paper with his..is all that is..a piece of paper....that's the way I see it!
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 4/20/2006 9:03:15 AM | Ok here goes:
As a rule of thumb? I dont date guys that are involved with a gf or seperated, married or such....
Reason 1: If they are involved with someone chances are their partner doesnt know that they are even looking for someone else.....
Reason 2: Chances are I'm the one in the end that will get hurt. I wont let that happen again.
Reason 3: There are usually a lot of excuses as to why they have to spend time with the real significant other. Sorry Im no ones second best....
Reason 4: They are usually a pig and if they did it to her they are gonna do it to me. Sorry I wont ever be there intentionally.
i'm not one that likes to be hurt, in fact no one is. But we seem to always put ourselves in those situations. I have not had a real bf so to say in over a year. Yes Im picky I think Im attractive and I dont settle for anyone that I feel is below my standards. I have walked away from damn goodlooking men because they dont fit within what I want in a man. But I have no regrets. So I guess you got my answer no I will not involve myself with someone that is not LEGALLY DIVORCED!!!!!
Best of luck to you!
Teu | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 4/20/2006 11:52:54 AM | Lots of different opinions here and I would say that those of us that are "separated" and those of us that are divorced see things differently because of our " label".
Teu, I would like to put this out there, basically an answer to each of your things you listed
1] My " wife" KNOWS I am looking to date, she supports it and encourages it. and if you really want to know if she knows... I would gladly have you give her a call to verify to settle any unanswered questions of if she knows or not. We have been separated for 2.5 years and have not filed due to me wanting her to succeed in her education and move form an LPN to an RN.. Which in my mind will only benefit our son’s future. Now if someone cannot understand what I am getting at and understand that it will have a direct impact on my son’s well being in the long run.. Well sorry about their luck! She is done with her school the first week of May and we are BOTH planning on going to the courthouse to fill out the papers together the week after she graduates as an RN. Some cal lit being too nice.. I call it looking out for my son’s future and doing what I feel is right. others just get p issed off because they didn’t have a " peaceful divorce and they made it much harder then what it really needs to be.
2] I am only using this in my case... chances are not even there that her and I will reconcile... we both agree that we just are not for each other. she is a very shy person.. I on the other hand am not. we were raised to completely different ways and have to completely different family back grounds. does it matter. yes and no.... her parents are still together after 38 years.. my mother has been married 4 times now...using a line my shrink told me { yes.. I do see a shrink once in a while, I can admit that sometimes.. you just need someone to talk to that has no biased opinion what so ever.. does that make me updateable too?} .. but my shrink told me that I know all of the WRONG things to do in a marraiage ..but I never had a positive male role model in my life to show me the RIGHT things to do in a marriage...make any sense?
3] as far as being no ones second best.... well I am not sure if you would be wiling to be second to my son.. but that is life...as I have told the last person I dated who did not have kids .. but was only separated and she was concerned that I was only separated....said that I might go back with my wife.. and got a bit p issed when I pointed out that she was only separated herself .. completely different story in itself....but she had no kids of her own.... told me that she wanted to be THE priority n someone’s life... and when I told her that it was impossible ..because my 7 y/o boy has that spot... but there is enough room in my heart for both of them....well... let just say I am single now....if you are not willing to share my heart with a 7 y/o.. perhaps you are being a bit selfish? now when I say YOU I do not mean YOU personally,,, but rather.. anyone.
4] is it possible that neither party "did" anything? it just happened? people do fall out of love and people do just drift apart and it isn’t any one thing or another.. it just happens? myself.. I can admit to where I went wrong.. my fault is that I was hearing her but wasn’t listening... which I didn’t even know I was doing until it was over.... I have learned a lot about myself in the last 2.5 years and know now that it is very important to communicate.. even if it is something that I feel is insignificant... maybe my partner just wants to hear me tell them about my day.... you know at work.. it may be a slow day.. and though I don’t think she wants to hear about the Automatic fire alarm we ran...because it was someone taking a shower and the steam got into the detector...if she asks if anything happened at work.. she really wants to hear about my day and I should not say " nothing". personally I do not find it interesting.. but perhaps she just wants to bond with me for a minute and that is it. that is where I went wrong.. now I am more aware of it and I know it will not happen again... so because I let it happen once and it ended my marraige ... does this mean it WILL happen again and therefore makes me " updateable?
I believe I have said it before in this thread that I can freely admit to my flaws and past mistakes...EVERYONE here has some kind of flaw.. something about them that makes them " un perfect" because honestly... if everyone here was.. well.. we wouldn’t need dating sites such as this... so why don’t we all take a step back and evaluate WHY WE are all here. those who sit and say " well it wasn’t my fault" or well I did nothing wrong" or anything along those lines....I say GUILTY.. EVERYONE has a flaw with in them that others would consider them " updateable" whether you want to admit it or not.
does it make me a bad person because I am labeled as separated? as was said before... you may very well be passing up the one you are really looking for because of a label and you are not willing to hear or see the person for anything other then the label YOU place on them are below your “ standards” I ask.. how do you know they are below your standards if you immediately shut them out just because they are separated and YOU don’t even want to hear the story.. How much are you really an open and honest communicator? | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 4/20/2006 1:09:56 PM | Married is Married, with few exceptions.. I think painter, funny girl, oregano, and floky mirror my feelings. For those reasons I could not even begin to think about a relationship until the Divorce was final..13 years ago, and even then I need to repair myself emotionally, before I could give a significant other my all.
Most people get lonely, married, separated people want to be needed in ways their mate didn't give, and many times they look for a space filler for fear of not being able to walk alone.. like a 'Habit" maybe.. But, Being Alone will not kill anyone! I did it for years, and devoted my time to my children and repairing myself to be better next time..
I don't intend to be anyone's "Space filler" or stepping stone. Nor do I want to be a tool that solidifies the breakup of a Family.. Being a "Home wrecker" is not my thing! If not Divorced, and well mentally, and emotionally, No attempt should be made to start another one with Baggage still hanging from the surroundings... Gezz, at least FILE for a divorce, before dating! Can't people Stand their own company for a while?
Children Aren't Baggage in my opinion, but a whiny or mean stalking Ex is.
This just my opinion, but Separated is NOT single..yet! Been there, Done that and the Drama Sucks big time! So, The Blanket policy works for me..
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 4/20/2006 1:34:43 PM | Funnyfireguy....I applaud you for keeping things civil and "nice". I too have been separated for almost 2 years. We live apart, talk frequently on the phone, meet for dinner once in a while, and he still helps me with repairs at my house...lol. Some of us realize that the marriage just "ain't working" but that doesn't mean that we can't get along and live separately. Eventually, there will be a divorce. At this point, we each have somewhere to live, but I would like to relocate to the coast. When that time comes, the property is sold, we divide it, and I move on. We didn't even share a bedroom for many years before we actually went our separate ways, so in a way, I feel single. Legally, I know I'm not, but I wouldn't say a word if he found someone to date and I'm sure he wouldn't interfere if I found someone.
He has grown children and they have been the biggest problem in our marriage. I understand why the children are a priority when they're small and still in the growing up years, but there has got to be a good balance so that a new relationship isn't neglected. Without going into too much detail about my own experience, I too would like to be a priority to someone. For 18 years, I felt like the nanny without a salary while making all the sacrifices of a biological parent. I don't have any children, so whoever I'm involved with has my undivided attention.
All that being said, I would like to date/be involved with someone preferably with grown children that are accepting of that parent dating again. I won't compete with them; I'll be friendly and treat them as well as they treat me.
I think dating someone that is separated is something that should be taken on a case-by-case basis. If you have doubts or if there are signs that something isn't quite right, then do a little investigating. I have to agree with what someone said earlier that by shutting the door on someone because they are only separated and not legally divorced puts you at a disadvantage for meeting someone really good or maybe finding the relationship that you've always wanted. | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 4/20/2006 4:38:49 PM | | Slim - great explanation. There are guys on here that show separated & they have never been married - I don't understand why they would do that. Any thoughts anyone? | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 4/20/2006 10:28:39 PM | | well horselady.. perhaps they were in a very commited long term relationship and it was like being married to them. and well.... oh heck i dont know...i just thought maybe i could compleat a sentance at 1:30 in the mornign while being way to tired to ebe on here.... | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 4/23/2006 7:57:15 AM | | nothing personal girl but why is it so important to get married and so "not" to get divorced. It is like making a great meal and ignoring the dirty dishes - cmon finish the job so the next guy can focus on you not the clutter. And for the girls that say divorced when seperated, what else, what next is dishonest about you. drop in a heartbeat I say. This is like building anything - a house, a dress, a painting or a life - Its hard enough when you have clean start, a fresh canvas. You have to remove and dispose all the old crap before you can even start to do something new. Do it, get on with it, deal with it. Its boring stuff and the process of dealing with it make you smarter. | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 4/23/2006 8:05:22 AM | " If it makes people angry that I don't believe in commiting adultry, then so be it.Tough s%$#."
And you can all get mad at me too. Have read a lot of this, and all the bogus excuses for why married people should be allowed to sleep around, which is what this all boils down to. Just lame excuses and rationalizations. No matter what crazy load someone tries to drop on me, if a man says he is separated, I will walk away just as fast as if he had his wife sitting on his lap. | |
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