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| Is separated single?
Posted: 5/1/2006 10:30:50 AM | Amongst the nay-sayers, there are those who don't want to date anyone separated because they don't want to bother trying to separate the wheat from the chaff. I have no problem with that. For me, my 'dance card' is sufficiently full that I won't bother with anyone that doesn't indicate that they have a job. By doing so, I might be missing out on Paris Hilton (although she would fail several other of my criteria. LOL.) It just thins a big pool.
There are others, however who are making sweeping generalizations. "Anybody who's separated is damaged whether they know it or not." "Anybody who's separated is just sleeping around." If I were to post that I wouldn't date anyone without a job because they are all lazy or just looking for a meal ticket, I'd expect to be corrected. So choose how you like. Just stop making blanket statements about a complicated issue. Had a bad experience getting dumped by someone who was separated? Everyone here has been dumped by somebody. Or has been the dumper. Want an undamaged heart? Date a 13 year old. Relax. I'm kidding. Took 13 years to recover from your divorce? I wouldn't go near you with a ten foot pole even if I were the right gender.
As far as I can see, the only time blanket statements apply are with regard to either legal issues or moral. As previously stated, there aren't any legal issues in my jurisdiction. And moral issues? Look in the mirror and answer my previous question. If you have a moral issue with "adultery" then you should have a moral issue with "illicit sex" (outside of marriage). If you don't believe me, ask your priest. And if you have a priest, you're also not in my dating pool. (Anybody who lists a religion is a right-wing conservative.) Oops. Blanket statement. And if you want to make moralistic statements in a public forum and be selective about your morals, I call that hypocracy. If you're consistent in the application of your morals, good for you. I honestly hope you can find someone who shares your beliefs and convictions. | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 5/1/2006 12:28:35 PM | | There is a difference betweeen physical seperation and emotional separation. Physical would be just not intimate but still wanting that person back in there life. Emotional would be they are not in that relationship anymore and some cases like you mentioned still living with. But in that case how is that sparing the kids if one parent is bringing home dates while still living with the other parent. One would have to find out what level that separated person is on before getting "involved" | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 5/1/2006 1:56:20 PM | I'm sorry if my thoughts on this topic were taken personally. I apologize for using invective language to describe my opinions on this topic and to color other's opinions as wrong and/or not well-thought-out. That is not the best way to anyone to help others see a wrinkle on a topic that they might have seen otherwise.
It's ok to disagree; I'd much rather have conversations with people who have strong opinions that those who have weak opinions.
It's obvious that this is a polarizing topic, let's live and let live. | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 5/1/2006 4:11:41 PM | | I would view a seperated person in the same with as a married person. If you want your freedom get the divorce. There is no excuse for it to me. If you really want to "be apart" then get the hell apart already :) If you are using some excuse to stay "seperated" than you are obviously still dependant. | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 5/1/2006 4:22:35 PM | It is not single legally. But the issue to which we are referring to is whether they are being honest if they are dating. I think there are men out there who are separated and will remain so until they divorce and are not playing games and I think there are other men who are just d*cking around.
I have a friend who got separated, met a new lady while separated. Ended up marrying that new lady (still married after 6 ot 7 years). The ex-wife also found a new man and they have been together just as long.
Unfortunately for the men who are being honest about being separated and are actually really cutting ties, just haven't done so legally, the dis-honest men make it hard for them to date.
I have to say for myself I am not keen on dating a separated man. If I was to date a man who is separated, I would have to meet him initially outside of the internet dating world, through friends perhaps. And BTW, that's how my friends above met NOT online. BIG difference. | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 5/2/2006 9:11:17 AM | You all will think I made up Malstyne's profile to illustrate my point.
I would view graduating this week and working on volunteer stuff for the resume
as unemployed.
If you want to join the adult world,
get a God damn job, already.
There is no excuse for it(being unemployed) for me.
What's that? Its a work in progress? Just have to get your diploma?
If you really want a job, you'd have had one already. At 29, you are using college as an excuse to avoid working. | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 5/2/2006 9:41:41 AM | Been separated since Jan, and awaiting the papers to come through.
In my case, being in a different city has made it even more apparent that the marriage is over. As long as it's a mutual thing, then yes, consider that person single. If it's not, and there can be denial in such cases, then no.
But I guess I have been echoing what people have been saying in the forum anyways.... | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 5/2/2006 11:14:15 AM |
You all will think I made up Malstyne's profile to illustrate my point.
I would view
graduating this week and working on volunteer stuff for the resume
as
unemployed.
If you want
to join the adult world,
get a God damn job, already.
There is no excuse for it(being unemployed) for me.
What's that? Its a work in progress? Just have to get your diploma?
If you really want
a job, you'd have had one already. At 29, you are using college as an excuse to avoid working.
Holy crap! I got attacked out of nowhere!? What is wrong with working internships while bettering yourself with school? Why bartend the rest of your life when you have an opportunity to make something of yourself? I'll give you that I am a bit old to be in school, but I made my mistakes partying life away at 21-24 and decided I needed to fix it, I would think most people would agree that it is better later then never.
Now I am done. I sacrificed 4 years to become successful, worked my ass off doing 16 hours day of school + internships. I haven't even gone to the ceremony yet. My resume is out there, but I'll be damned if I bite at the first $20/hr job that comes along when I see my peers getting 60k a year. I am glad and proud of myself for my achievement. I just got a call to set up an interview for my dream job making more than $1400 a week, so if it goes well I'll probably be sitting better in 2 years than I could have for 25 years of work in the barscene. , Can I have a few weeks to get a job that suits me? Sheesh!
In summary: piss off! | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 5/2/2006 11:41:16 AM | You missed the point. I'm separated. That means I've begun the paperwork to get divorced. In the same fashion that you have begun the paperwork to become a computer programmer. You can't just snap your fingers and become. Neither can I.
You say that you've been doing programming projects on your own while you work on getting your diploma and a job. I am seeing members of the opposite sex while I wait for the government mandated waiting period to end. What makes you think you're qualified to program computers when you don't have a diploma? What makes people trust you to work on their computers when you don't have the paperwork? The proof is in the pudding.
You have a reason, an excuse, for being unemployed. I have a reason for still being separated. You can't quit school and start work before you graduate. I can't get married until after November 1st, 2006.
So my point was: if I just make a blanket statement that I won't date anyone without a job, you wouldn't qualify because my sweeping generalization doesn't allow for you to explain what circumstances lead you to not having a job. I think you provide an excellent example of the dangers of generalization.
(You should run your profile by the thread on profile advice, BTW. That opening line is gonna kill you.) | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 5/2/2006 11:57:37 AM | 6 months of waiting to hump someone else is hardly a comparison to 4 years of hard work in order to achieve a successful life. Married or not I think anyone should wait awhile before moving on just to heal and get it all out of thier system.
If I am mistaken and it is a longer time then that, then let me know, I may have a little more understanding.
As far as my profile. I don't give a crap if it attracts the most mails. I'd rather have someone willing to accept who I am and what I am doing then present myself in any other way. My profile is me, if they don't like it boohoo for me. I really have little faith in online dating anyway, I am perfectly capable of meeting people out in the big wide world the old fashion way. My online search is just a bonus. | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 5/2/2006 1:52:51 PM | By Law if you are "legally seperated" you are considered single and can't be held as an adulturer in your final divorce hearing. But to be legally seperated you have to file for that at the court house and it is not cheap.
I know this because I was legally seperated for 2 years and 6 days before I was legally divorced. And I had to confirm that I was single with my lawyer after filing for seperation.
Even after being legally seperated, I waited about 9 months to get laid again......and that turned into a relationship....a 3 month relationship. And come to think about it.....I haven't had sex in almost 15 months. Lots of self control....or should I say....NO TIME TO FIND SOMEONE WORTH GIVING IT UP TO. | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 5/2/2006 2:35:38 PM | Its a one year wait, up here, as mentioned previously. Reading the relevant texts before partaking in the classroom discussions was pretty much a given when I spent five years at university. You should at least go back and read and answer the question in my message #577. This sounds to me like a moral issue to you, rather than practical.
waiting to hump someone else .
That's nice. You're such a romantic.
I don't expect you to read the entire thread but I'll summarize. There are blanket statements from people like you, countered by testimonials from people with a variety of different stories to tell, like Sugarplum. So why do you not see a parallel between your need to explain why you're unemployed and someone else's need to explain why they haven't completed their divorce? I, at least, am honest in my profile. Yours says you are a programmer when you've said here you're unemployed. Why don't you just wait until you have a job before you try on-line dating. Then you won't have to lie. | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 5/2/2006 2:58:28 PM | Do you have self esteem issues? It's no wonder your relationship didn't work when you have to counter every argument with a personal attack instead of a counter argument.
A) I am not trying to tell you how to live your life, it seemed to me the point of the thread was more to gauge why a person would not be interested in someone that is seperated.
B) I stated my opinion on the matter and all you have done is point out that I have been unemployed for a week. Big whoopty dodah. It's one thing if I sat on the couch and drank beer all day, it's another when I am spending 14+ hrs a day improving my life. Either way it is completely irrelevant to the topic at hand and is more junior high than anything else. Talk about growing up?
C) Your profession does not imply you are currently employed doing it. If I have held a job for more than 4+ years in my life time doing something and intent to hold another job doing the same, I can claim that as my profession.
D) I wasn't trying to romance you. In essence that is what you are asking for otherwise there would be no question. There is no dilema on whether or not you can talk to someone else, the dilema is whether you can have a relationship, which infers sex, otherwise you'd call it a friendship. I can talk to my friends all day, but I don't have sex with them. So, yes, you want to feel better about humping someone else.
Sorry Charley, not many people are hip about jumping into a relationship with someone that can't cope with being alone. To go from a seperation to a relationship within a year raises that flag for me. I would have to think to myself, "sheesh doesn't this person want to get thier head on straight first?"
But, go ahead and talk about my week lapse from school to career all you want. You really aren't promoting your argument by doing so. | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 5/2/2006 8:24:46 PM | | No!!! Separated is still married. I dated a guy that had his x wife living in the house. As soon as I found out she was an x I was out of it. I don't play that game and I don't advise anyone to. | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 5/2/2006 9:50:31 PM | bike man, My respect for you just jumped tenfold:............
"I'm sorry if my thoughts on this topic were taken personally. I apologize for using invective language to describe my opinions on this topic and to color other's opinions as wrong and/or not well-thought-out. That is not the best way to anyone to help others see a wrinkle on a topic that they might have seen otherwise.
It's ok to disagree; I'd much rather have conversations with people who have strong opinions that those who have weak opinions.
It's obvious that this is a polarizing topic, let's live and let live."
Thats an excellent opinion, and well said!  | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 5/2/2006 10:03:02 PM | Hey Malstyne, you are making total sense, and it obvious that stillinlimbo is Still in Limbo. He is simply trying to justify his actions, or else he wouldn't be posting on this subject so often.
Some people are terrified to be alone:
"not many people are hip about jumping into a relationship with someone that can't cope with being alone. To go from a separation to a relationship within a year raises that flag for me. I would have to think to myself, "sheesh doesn't this person want to get their head on straight first?"
And so they grasp at straws.. One would think that a person who recently separated would be an easy Lay... predators would prey on the weak...Yes? | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 5/2/2006 10:09:14 PM | | malstyne I think you are a smart and articulate man and I agree with you 100%. | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 5/2/2006 10:21:44 PM | Mal, you have stated that you view a separated person as married, without allowing for any mitigating circumstances. And I use the example of your employment status to illustrate how yes/no answers do not allow for mitigating circumstances. You feel that showing an occupation is necessary for your success here but the format of the question requires you to stretch the truth and then elaborate in the text of your profile. I don't feel the need to give elaborate explanations to my marital status here but if it came up with someone that I was seeing, I'd provide an answer that has been adequate for any of the women I've met. My problem,though, is that there may be, in the future, if my dance card thins out, someone who would be considering your advice:
If you want your freedom get the divorce. There is no excuse for it to me. If you really want to "be apart" then get the hell apart already :) If you are using some excuse to stay "seperated" than you are obviously still dependant.
to be a definitive opinion, when I think its superficial nonsense.
So to answer your point quoted above with an argument rather than an attack:
I have my freedom. I currently don't need to get a divorce. However, if I thought my freedom was being impaired by the 'separated' label, the excuse I would use at present is that I can't, due to time limits that vary with juridiction (which implys that people in some places are more capable of dating than people from others.) How 'aprt' do I really want to be? I may choose to remain 'separated' so my ex can partake of my medical coverage until such time as it becomes an inconvenience to me. Does this make me "dependent"? More like charitable to someone that I spent twenty years with and who is the mother of my children. If I can make her life a little easier, I will. If it becomes an issue to a future lover, I'll give her a heads up to get caught up on all her crowns and bridges. Then she'll have some extra money to give me for child support payments.
In subsequent messages to your first one, you've brought up other arguments as well, but they've all been addressed many times here so I'm signing off on this thread again for a while. | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 5/2/2006 11:52:01 PM | well, i think this would totally depend on one's situation. i believe we have laws such as 'you must be legally separated for one year before filing for divorce' for a reason. BUT there are back doors to that law, such as adultery and cruelty (abuse of any kind, etc.) being a newly 'separated' woman myself, i have been separated from my marriage in my mind and heart for almost 2 years now, and therefore i definitely see it as 'ok' to move on. maybe not in a serious relationship, but i'm not gonna sit around and grow old while i wait for the law to decide when i can get a divorce.
i would hope that the general population wasn't ignorant enough to group us all into one 'separated' batch. every individual situation is just that. (individual) i know people who have been DIVORCED for over a decade, and still aren't over their ex-spouse. | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 5/3/2006 12:16:37 AM | Didn't notice it got so busy here while I was typing that. I'll go another round or two.
I'm not picking on you ,Mal. You just came up with that first post right after I posted a comment on maybe missing out on an heiress or something if I limit my search to those who show 'employed.' You make a fine example showing how a quick snapshot can hide something more. "Don't judge me so fast.. look deeper." Where did I see that?
An easy lay? I don't think so. I've gone pretty much without for six years. (Three for medical reasons, three trying to get the marriage back on track.)(Relax, girls, nothing wrong with my medical.) So I'm being selective on who gets the prize. No hurry here. But I almost guarantee I'll still be separated when it happens.
Ah. Dee-lovely. Thanks, yes. 'The ten years divorced and still not over it' belongs to someone not far up the thread.
Predators preying on me? I'll watch out for that. But I'll not build a wall that takes me years to remove. | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 5/3/2006 3:41:50 PM | (I'm sorry if my thoughts on this topic were taken personally. I apologize for using invective language to describe my opinions on this topic and to color other's opinions as wrong and/or not well-thought-out. That is not the best way to anyone to help others see a wrinkle on a topic that they might have seen otherwise.
It's ok to disagree; I'd much rather have conversations with people who have strong opinions that those who have weak opinions.
It's obvious that this is a polarizing topic, let's live and let live.)
__________
Thank you for that bikeman. | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 5/3/2006 3:43:53 PM | YES....Seperated is DEFINATELY single....any status that involves being alone...and without a partner....is Single!!!
S | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 5/3/2006 3:47:54 PM | I've dated a few separated men in another life, and it ALWAYS ended where he went back. I've been burned too many times to do it again.
When I date, its with the hopes of it becoming more. Why waste my time and invest my heart, when I can forgo the inevitable pain ? | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 5/3/2006 4:12:25 PM | | A married person is just that - a married person. He doesn't belong to you. The marriage is legally binding and the union is spiritually binding. So no. Separated is not single. | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 5/3/2006 8:05:33 PM | | I think marriage should be made illegal....PERIOD! Noone can see into the future and the statistics we have now a days most marriages end in divorce. Nobody is perfect...nobody knows how it is going to end wether it be marriage, long-term relationship, dating or just a roll in the hay. Marriage is just an expensive peice of paper that is a way of the government and lawyers making more money and we all buy into it like idiots..well alot of us. You can love someone more than the earth, moon, stars and sky and not have a peice of paper to prove it. You can also hate someone with everything in your heart and be married to them. If you married the wrong person then yes you made a mistake that you have to live with and if there are children involved you made a mistake you have to live with the rest of your life...but who hasn't made a major life-altering mistake?...I don't know of very many. I can't even believe this thread is still going and now it is to the point where people are name calling and judging other people's situation they don't even know. No one lives without sin or mistakes in their life and we have no right to judge others for theirs. We all have faults...just because your faults are different than mine doesn't make them right.....they are still faults so could we please quit cutting each other down and have a little respect for people who may have had it a little tougher than the rest. We have no right to judge only God has that right and in the end he will. | |
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