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| Is separated single?
Posted: 5/27/2006 1:05:09 PM | have to agree with mythic there not everyones the same yes they might get back together but then again they might not noone is the same and to generalize someone based on someone else is experiences or even past experiences is wrong. Unless you know the other persons reason for being seperated or define exactly what separated really means in the eyes of the government even after you been seperated for 4 yrs your still considered seperated and even if you were never married so realisticly your always gonna be seperated even if you never married the person.
My opinion if you were never married you should be able to use single kids or no kids does that mean a person cant get back with an ex no why should their just like everyone else out there single so their on the market all you gotta do is worry about the competition if you want someone and their seperated give it a shot you never know what might happen until you try. If I worried about whether someone cared that I was seperated or single why would i even bother begin dating, evenones been seperated at on time or another unless they never had a relationship which is possible I guess... So in my opinion yes seperated is single otherwise you would have to say divorce isnt single either cause I know of a few couples who got divorced and are now back together just they say the will never remarry go figure | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 5/27/2006 6:12:10 PM | It isn't single, and that is why we use it as a separate (lol) category. For some of us the divorce can be very costly, often bankrupting one spouse, depending on the divorce rules in the jurisdiction you live in.
I have relatives who are still separated after several years and both spouses now live with new people. I've now been separated for just over two years and it's quite likely that though we'll never get back together, we'll never be divorced. | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 5/28/2006 11:28:03 AM | Hello everyone,
I am separated and have been for almost 4 years. The reason I am not divorced by now is the money thing. It is very expensive to get a divorce. But, I will get one eventually. I do not look at myself as being married anymore. Although, I am married in the eyes of the law, I am not in my heart and I think that's what counts. I am not bothered by my husband. That in itself is a long story. | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 5/28/2006 11:32:08 AM | | Depends on how long they have been seperated and/or how emotionally involved they still are with the partner they're seperated from. | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 5/28/2006 2:15:36 PM | | I'm in the "separated" catagory and it appears to be a state of limbo instead of flux. My marriage is finished - the paperwork is not. | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 5/29/2006 12:14:07 AM | | actually time may or may not matter..ie nystate usually takes at least a year...but the more property to divide the longer it seems to take...so im not sure actual chronilogical time may be important... i think were the people are mentally and pysically is probably a greater issue.... | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 5/29/2006 12:41:15 AM | Wow my experience with this have floored me.
I was once in a relationship and I kept finding out about husbands she was married to. One after the other, no final divorce. It was as though she was weighing which guy was going to give her the best Divorce package.
It became unreal, she was married to three guys and I was her boyfriend and we were on the path to the final deal.
I had to ask her some questions. Was she world travelled and sophisticated? Yeah, that's what she was alright, very sophisticated.
She said, 'let me explain'. It was a very long dinner.
I swear it would have made the ultimate short film for Sundance, one table and a girl who could talk up a story. She was a Hollywood actress as well. Where was my camera?
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 5/29/2006 12:57:28 AM | Separation is not only a legal grey area, but can also be an emotional grey area. For some, the marriage was really over long ago and it's just a matter of crossing the T's and dotting the I's. For others, the emotional battle can continue for years with no guarantee that a divorce will ever occur.
Not everyone thinks they need an adjustment period after a separation or divorce, but I think everyone benefits by having time to settle into a new life.
I'd rather take a chance on a man fresh out of a marriage, than one who's never committed to a marriage at all. (For reference: I'm 51 with a 20 year marriage behind me. Any never-married man I'd be interested in has a long track record of never making the ultimate commitment.) Dating someone who's separated is risky, but I think it's possible to get to know the individual and their circumstance before deep emotional ties form. | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 5/29/2006 8:44:11 AM | | Not just No...but hell NO! Been there done that. Sometimes there really is no love in the marriage and both partners would like out but it is difficult to split up the assets of a long term marriage and start over. I think most will choose to stay in the marriage to protect what they have earned materially. Meantime "we" the other person get older with less options. | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 5/29/2006 9:01:51 AM | Seperated is far from single. Pending divorce is far from divorced. Newly divorced is far from single too.
A truly single person just simply says they are single!!! | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 5/29/2006 9:04:53 AM |
Seperated is far from single. Pending divorce is far from divorced. Newly divorced is far from single too.
SO TRUE. | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 5/29/2006 9:10:09 AM | No matter how long you've been separated, if you're not divorced, you're not single.
Everyone has their personal preferences and views this differently. Myself, I state plainly in any profile I've ever written that if you're "married but separated" I'm not interested. Don't contact me.
I know people say there are financial reasons, personal reasons, the kids, etc, blah, blah. That's fine and good and the reasons may be valid for you, but it's not something I'd have any interest in being a part of. | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 5/29/2006 10:39:40 AM | | Each situation is individual. I married a rocket scientist who abandonned me right away and has lived in another state ever since. In this case - I was only married on paper and an annulment should be easy...... BUT, if you are wanting to see someone who still LIVES with their ex, or has KIDS with their ex (especially young kids...) Then you have a whole different ball of wax and you should absolutely wait until the divorce is final. Why? There is a special thing that happens psychologically once a person is actually free - they could suddenly really want to explore - and only have been using you to get through their situation. (Just like how men leave after getting through school - they have that degree and want to upgrade the woman also...) IF he gets a divorce - and then he pursues you continually - then you know it's real and good. Don't push - let it all work out naturally... you'll see his true desires... Hope this helps - Justine | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 5/29/2006 11:42:46 AM | The finality of a divorce is just that. They leave behind the life behind close all the doors that need to be closed and eventually move on to the new balanced, centered life and find harmony within themselves again.
Unfortunately, sometimes along the way they meet people that help them get through all the transitions to find their freedom and new life but realize they need to be on their own again to truly be single and find themselves. On their own. FREE. So the people close to them during that time are no longer as vital a part of their lives at the end of it all.
That's where the word "But" was invented!!! | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 5/30/2006 8:37:21 AM | | some separated people are more available to date than others. in the same respect some single and divorced folks are more available. evaluate on a case-by-case basis. hmm that neatly sums up my opinion. | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 5/30/2006 9:00:37 AM | I am seeing a separated guy. He has been living apart for 3 years now. He dated other women before me, but said his feelings for me are much deeper. He told me "I love you" early on (the day after his wife attacked him - I'll get into that more below). He told me on the 2nd date his situation. He had dated a woman while he was still living in the house (huge and living at different ends of it). He didn't tell his wife about that one although he says she told him she gave him the OK to date.
He is quite a bit older than I and doesn't want more kids. He had never had a woman to the apartment he lives in before me. They were both utilizing it up until a few months before I met him (they didn't want the son going back and forth every week.. so they did instead). The wife asked him not to make it a love nest. I wouldn't let him come to my place when we first started dating so he invited me over finally saying: "I have to move on with my life" (ie, knew the wife would eventually see my car since she lives just down the street).
She tried to bust into the place one night while I was there. She attacked him and then the police and got herself arrested (no alcohol even). As the months went on I kept asking why he wasn't yet divorced and when he was going to get one. Sometimes I would get pretty forceful about it. He would say "This is good. I need to hear that I need to do it."
Anyway, we continued dating and he continued to tell me he was in love with me but would always add "I think you know that doesn';t mean I want to run out and get married tomorrow though right?" (Duh! He's not even divorced yet!).
About 5 months into it he started getting the divorce going. I asked him one day: "When you talk about life after your divorce and having a partner do you ever see me as that person?" "Of course I do!" he said "It's only natural to think of the person you're with. But I can't make any promises right now. I'm not saying I'm going to go out and try to screw every woman I can. But I'm going to be picky and ask a lot of questions. That's why I've been asking you a lot of questiosn" I was a little stunned. I guess I thought since he had been telling me he was in love with me he already was considering me pretty seriously and it sounded like he was saying he might start dating others.
A week later I mentioned how it made me uncomfortable. He said "We don't know how we're going to feel about this relationship after I'm divorced and have all my freedom back. I cant' give you any guarantees" I said "I know how I'm going to feel about you. I'm not sure I can do this anymore." He begged me not to make a rash decision. I asked what was the big deal if we took a break until his divorce was finalized? He said "#1, you mean a lot to me.. and #2... although #1 is more important.. it would be caving into my wife." ??? "What does she have to do with it??" I asked. "She's been trying to ruin this since day 1!" he said. "What? Her trying to break into the apartment? I'm over that!" I said. "I'm not!" he said.
I left for a week long business trip the next day. I didn't call or email him. He called and left a message everyday. When I got back he told me he had been telling his friends and family all week how much he loves me and was thinking a lot about our future and framed a bunch of pictures of me. I blew him off a couple days when I got back. When I finally called him he said "Should I stop framing pics of you and looking into flights to New Mexico?" (we had talked about vacationing there). I said I was sorry but wasn't ready to talk until then.
The next weekend we went away. He told me in a restaurant at dinner one night he had something he was thinking about a lot and wanted to ask me. He asked if I would be itnerested in building a life with him. I just looked at him "What do you think after what I told you last month?" (I had told him I wanted to marry him).
things have been very shaky and we've broken up twice since (for a few days only). He hasn't mentioned builfding a life again since but is constantly asking my forgiveness for the comments he made (ie, not knowing how he would feel about me once divorced). It's been a real stumbling block. | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 5/30/2006 9:37:17 AM | Just 2cents: In 1981, my then-27-or-28yr old sister moved with her then-fiance (BF of 5+ years) from Philadelphia to Colorado. After about a half-year she flew back east to do the last 2months of prep for them to get married with family around. He flew east to visit 1-2x during that time and for the wedding of course. They drove back to Colorado instead of a "real" honeymoon, and literally 1 day after they arrived in Colorado, he told her, "it's been a big mistake, I met someone while you were gone." She was stunned and stupidly allowed him to put her and one suitcase on a plane back east. He promptly emptied their joint back accounts, devastating her financially, and moved-in with the other woman, and that was the last anyone heard of him. My sister never again saw any of her lifetime of possessions taken with her to CO. She tried time and again to reach him for a divorce, including repeatedly contacting his family, who refused to assist her in any way whatsoever. He moved multiple times and after about 2 years she gave up, not having anyone significant in her life to make it an issue of not being able to remarry and being too broke/focused on rebuilding her life. She finally hired an investigator and got the divorce papers signed in **1999**. So for something like 17 years she was technically "separated but not divorced." She dated as she pleased once she got to that point in her life, and told these guys her story upfront; she lived with one fellow for close to 10years but chose in the end to not remarry. I don't think she was an a$$ or a liar/shyster, she just tried to make the best of a very crappy situaton.
Things happen and so you have to look at the person not the label. | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 5/30/2006 10:05:57 AM | not really if your separted from your man or woman , your still legally married, but there is ways to get out of a legal marrage without going to lawer, you file your divorce yourself at the local courts in the town you live in, and you could get some one other than a police officer to dilver the divorce papers( friend some one you know, etc ), if you can address at all, if anything if he or she wont get the divorce you could a annulment to the divorce without he or she even knowing it. and its all legal.
who says you need a lawer to get out of a really bad divorce, if you take the time to file it and do the divorce yourself, you can get a legal divorce without a crooked lawer that only wants your money. one way is to file a no fault divorce that what my mother did, and file in in a another state near by if anything it might cost you a little money for gasoline and to file the divorce papers with a local court small town no body knows about. if anything not much he or she can do unless they file agaist you, and if there children involed you can file for custody and well as child support yourself, and stick it to them in the long run legally, all without a lawer.
you all have a wonder life and God bless. | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 5/30/2006 10:24:39 AM |
NO being separated is still being married in the eyes of the law. Nope.
I won't date a separated guy either, among many other things. I know. Picky picky picky. But guess who will be happier in the long run. You guessed. ME!
Get out of my head!!! How did you know I was going to say the EXACT same thing? | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 5/30/2006 10:48:20 AM |
About 5 months into it he started getting the divorce going. I asked him one day: "When you talk about life after your divorce and having a partner do you ever see me as that person?" "Of course I do!" he said "It's only natural to think of the person you're with. But I can't make any promises right now. I'm not saying I'm going to go out and try to screw every woman I can. But I'm going to be picky and ask a lot of questions. That's why I've been asking you a lot of questiosn"
I'm sorry, you said he's dated other women for 3 years, and didn't start doing the divorce until he met you... from you pushing him on it, which was probably a good thing for him... and you got him thinking about *really* ending it (and doing it), and thinking about a future with someone (you)... and then when he says he's going to be careful and "ask a lot of questions", which to me is common sense, a lot of people get a bit more cautious after even just a relationship breakup, much less a divorce, with kids involved no less. And you blame him for being cautious and not saying he's going to 100% commit to you when he's still in the process of getting divorced? And sure, you're over his wife (yes, *wife*, they are only seperated) banging on the door in the middle of the night, but they may not have been living together but they have a kid together, and she still *is* legally his *wife*, yes, I could see very easily how thats not easy for him to just "get over". You and her have no emotional ties, no history, him and her *do*, remember, at one point they decided to get married, and had a kid together, you don't do that without there being some bond there - the fact that they are seperated and getting divorced doesn't just shut off all those feelings like a light switch.
Good god, if I was him I think *I* would have broken it off by now, permanently (not on and off) - but then again thats spoken by me who's never met you. The last thing I want is a woman who is holding the fact that I'm dealing with a lot of different emotions (I'm sure actually getting divorced, the finality of it, is dragging up a lot of stuff, plus "legalizing/formalizing" a child-custody agreement, etc) over my head and slamming on me over and over about committment on top of it. If he's still there, he must *really* have a lot of feelings for you, and you're giving him attitude instead of understanding.
Just a guys point of view.
And no, per the thread, seperated is *not* single, or most of the time isn't. It can be, after a while (ie, if you've been seperated for 10 years and not divorced, chances are you both are acting pretty much "single" by then). I'm sure its different for everyone, but seperated doesn't have the 'finality' emotion wise that divorce does (although even after divorce it could take some time). | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 5/30/2006 10:54:56 AM | | I couldn't date a separated person. In my eyes, they are still married until the day their divorce becomes finalized. | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 5/31/2006 2:13:27 PM | it just depends on the situation....like my i am legally seperated from my husband wit full intentions of divorce....i cannot afford a divorce and he refuses to help me pay for one....he was very abusive and spent alot of time in jail for it.....i have arestraining order against him and he is to come nowhere near me...i legt him a year ago after he almost out me in the hospital for the last time....because i cant pay for a divorce does that mean i dont have the right or capability to not seek the company of someone who i might truly fall in love wit and theyll give me respect and loyalty something i wasnt getting from my marriagewit my husband? i think i more than deserve to seek good companionship after all he did to me even tho im just seperated.....i havent even seen or talked to my husband in a year......as far as i know he landed back in jail for abusing his new girlfriend last i heard...so i think seperated can be seen as single in my case.....its the situation not the title.....
alisha | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 5/31/2006 9:21:19 PM | Well there are TWO aspects of a relationship.
The emotional one and the legal one !!
No matter what the legal status of the relationship is, it's the emotional status that really determines if a person is ready to move on. Even divorced people have been known to re-marry!!
So if you are trying to size up if a person is available to move in to a relationship with you, pay real close attention to their "emotional availability". If they are, then all the paperwork around their old relationship will work out...but if they are dragging their heels about settling the paperwork, then that's a pretty good sign that they are NOT emotionally available.
Fish food for thought !! | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 6/1/2006 8:27:37 AM | | I have read alot of the post on this subject and have to give my opinion. Now it is just that my opinion. I have been seperated for just over 4 years now, yes everything is done we used a lawyer crossed the T's sold off the assets, you know the drill. I am single in every sense of the word, why havent we gotten divorced, well cant speak for my ex but i can for myself, i was married before this, he was killed, remarried again and didnt work out. I have dealt with my baggage and moved on but to be honest i dont see getting married again as an option for me, so getting a divorce is not on my proiority list, doesnt mean i wont live with someone, just see no need to have a paper that tells me i have committed myself to someone. On the other foot i have a girl friend that has been divorced for 3 years now and is still messed up about it, is she single NO. | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 6/1/2006 9:50:23 PM | No, separated is NOT single, but I do agree that every situation is different. About a year and a half ago, I broke my cardinal rule of never getting involved with a man who is married/separated OR divorced. For a little over a year I was in a relationship with a man who had been separated for about 15 months before we got involved. Because of my insistence he filed for divorce and it became final while we were still together (kind of).
Although he told me he loved me throughout our relationship, he also told me he still loved his wife and probably always would (they were married for 16 years and had 2 kids together). That was my red flag, but I chose to ignore it. We eventually broke up for a multitude of reasons. Because of my experience, regardless of the situation, I will NOT date a man who is separated and would be reluctant to date a man who is divorced. Picky, yes, but as another poster said, I think I'll be happier in the long run. | |
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