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| Is separated single?
Posted: 3/4/2006 6:30:15 AM | | I have had such a problem with this. It seems all I meet are still legally married men. In the two years that I have been dating again, I honestly cannot tell you how many "separated" men I have dealt with. They all have a different excuse as to why they are not divorced. It has really turned me off to dating again. I view men so much differently now. But then nobody knows what I have been through on all of these dating sites I have been on. I do know this.... If you are on a high quality site that is pretty expensive for a monthly membership, all the hummm....separated men suddenly dissapear. Thanks for listening. | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 3/4/2006 8:04:09 AM | musicmanpvb said it best:
The only thing that I would like to add to this thread is the following. The people that are saying they don't want to get involved with a separated person are NOT judging the PERSON - they are judging the SITUATION that person is in. If you are separated, you may be a wonderful person - but you are in a situation that people do not necessarily want to deal with, probably based on experience. Stop thinking that it's a personal attack, because it's not.
Some people don't want to date people with kids...
Some people don't want to date people that live more than 50 miles away...
etc...
And yes, like Luna said (and I'd already tried to explain that) - it's not a judgment, it's a PREFERENCE. | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 3/4/2006 8:07:53 AM | I feel, that for a woman it generally is, for males, hmmmmm, not so sure
usually, the woman's heart has left long before the physical leaving! | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 3/4/2006 8:18:59 AM | my decision to have nothing to do with separated men (which many women also subscribe to) is only PARTLY due to the fact that many out there are lying swine who claim they're separated when in fact they're not - Sienna_leigh
There are an equal number of people in the same category claiming to be single or divorced, yet you are not worried about them. Just seems to me what you are saying is seperated men == lying scum, to me that is judgemental.
The point is, I deserve someone whose attention is on our relationship, not someone who's preoccupied with his past - Sienna_leigh
This was by the most intelligent thing you have said so far. Unfortunately people (seperate, divorced, exiting a long term non marital relationship) are never free from the past, specially if there are kids involved. The closer you are from exiting that relationship the less free you are to walk away from your past. Its not about baggage, but it is very much about someone's ability to give you their 100%...we just disagree that a person's legal status is a fair representation of that.
For me, I can't give that 100% not because I am not emotional free to do so but because I have made choices for my children to come first....at least for now. So I don't date...I would not ask you or anyone else that has "dating" or "long term" as their sought after relationship out so rest assured you are safe. However, other people...men and women alike, have different stories...have made different choices. To close the door in their faces before really knowing who they are just because they where the label "seperated" seems cold and careless but you are allowed to be who you are...that is your right.
Bandito | |
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cojo4
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Joined: 1/10/2006
Msg: 80 | |
| Is separated single?
Posted: 3/4/2006 8:26:37 AM | | No if your looking for a long term relationship...stay away from separated people...ive been hurt that way more then once | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 3/4/2006 8:55:45 AM | Bandito, the "baggage" isn't JUST there when there's kids involved. I've known guys who were in marriages where there weren't kids - but things were still very emotionally messy. I'll give you some examples: a guy who'd been with his wife since they were childhood sweethearts - in the end, she cheated on him......he was understandably devastated and though he did what he felt had to be done (separating), it was clear that he was an emotional mess. He never understood WHY she cheated on him, and he still loved her and wished they could have gone back to the time when they were very much in love. He could never bring himself to file for the divorce because in his heart, he was waiting for her to come back, apologize for her indiscretion and beg him to give "them" a chance to reconcile. However, this guy was a dating wildman - claiming he had no baggage, was looking for the right women. He was about as ready to get involved with someone else as I am to fly to the moon.
There was one guy I knew whose wife moved out - because throughout their marriage, he'd been a workaholic and he put work first, and over time she felt ignored and unloved. He put in 80 hr work weeks, not really because he had to, but because he was passionate about his work. Over time (while separated, yet dating), the reality hit him that he'd driven his wife away - and boy did he wish he could have turned back the clock and have done things differently. He was still secretly pining over his (ex) wife......and likely still is today - and dealing with a lot of guilt, too. That's the kind of baggage I'm referring to.
Sure, you can say this kind of stuff could happen outside of a marriage - in just a long term relationship but let's face it.........it's one thing for someone's relationship to end, but for most it's much more intense that their marriage ended, especially if they played an integral part in driving their spouse away from the marriage. That's got to be tough to live with.
There's also the baggage of a vindictive (ex) wife who finds out her husband has moved on during the separation period, and is dating someone he's very happy with - and suddenly she sees the light and decides that she wants him back. Could be a territorial thing, could just be a brainf*ck thing, but she decides to fill his head with lies and try to lure him back - even if deep down she doesn't really want to be back with him, she's just miffed and jealous that he's found happiness with someone other than her. This happens more often than you think. Now why would I want to be with someone whose going to obviously end up very confused because his ex is now wanting to reconcile - who's trying to get him to take a trip down memory lane, who's reminding him of the substantial history they share, bla bla bla?
Then there's the guy who's separated and wifey wants to "make him pay" for his part in the demise of the marriage - so when he decides to cut the ties and file for divorce, she decides to be a cow and contest it - just to be difficult - or she decides to get a lawyer and sue him for alimony that's ludicrous - or she wants to be petty and fight over the butter dish he's got and every other thing..........or she wants to ruin him financially or professionally because for whatever reason (could have been justified, maybe it's not), she's angry that he wants a divorce.................of course this is going to take its toll on him........and it's going to cross over into OUR relationship and a day won't go by in which he's not talking about "what the b*tch is trying to do now." I don't need that crap or drama or negativity -- I don't bring baggage and drama into a relationship, why should I settle for it?
So you can see, this isn't just present in marriage where children are involved. | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 3/4/2006 9:36:34 AM | ^^^Sheesh...I would be horrified if someone thought my kids were baggage because they are not.
I agree with you that angry and spiteful former partners can do a lot to sabotage a relationship...again, they don't have to be legally former spouses. Technically and legally, a ex-spouse has some control...and btw that control doesn't end when the final divorce decree is granted. They can always take you back to court forever after...so being diovorced doesn't mean the end to your definition oif "baggage".
Just be careful what you do define as "baggage" there are many people here that are way more sensitive and might take offence. I am all for freedom of opinion regardless if I agree with you or not.
Bandito | |
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cojo4
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Joined: 1/10/2006
Msg: 83 | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 3/4/2006 10:11:55 AM | bandito, you're obviously hypersensitive about this subject.
We all have the right to decide what we consider baggage. I'm not going to walk on eggshells or ****-foot around when it comes to expressing what I think/feel - that's not how I live my life. I never said children were baggage - I didn't even elaborate on it. I think it's freakin' sh*tloads of baggage when we're talking a guy with kids and the ex is using the kids as pawns, she's purposely brainwashing the kids to hate the new girlfriend, the ex wants to play games and change the days/weekends she has the kids "at the last minute" without any regard to the fact that the Dad may have already made plans (and she's doing this not because an emergency came up - but to sabotage his relationship), or she's constantly taking him back to court to fight for more child custody, or she gets dollar signs in her eyes when she learns his new girlfriend makes a good deal of money and that should he marry her one day, that'll be winning the lottery for her. THIS is the baggage that's often associated with those who have kids who are going through a divorce or have gone through it. Been there, done that, the T-shirt's worn out. Too much drama and BS for me. And that's my prerogative to feel that way. | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 3/4/2006 10:51:28 AM | Okay...I was gonna stay out of this after my last posting...hehe...but gosh darn it all I just can't resist a good debate...lol!
First...kudo's to you Bandito...for standing up for the "legitimate" separated people..for having your opinion....and in my opinion being very well rounded about it...I disagree with Sienna...I dont think you are hypersensitive about this issue at all...you are merely voicing you opinon and putting in your two cents worth.
Sienna...again....I do see your point...my issue with you is a/ calling anyone that disagrees with you and speaking up for the other side of the coin as being "sensitive" or "bitter". It appears to me...that perhaps before you start calling "names" you should take a closer look at yourself...as an outsider looking in...you are starting to come off as being the one that is sensitive and defensive....and you are certainly starting to look bitter...because some separated people did you wrong...so lets just write them all off. Forgive me...I know Im generalizing you to some degree here...and I really honestly am not writing this to diss you...my purpose for pointing this out...and I feel that the reason Bandito keeps coming back to comment....is to just say to you....perhaps you need to be a little more open-minded. If you choose not to be...so be it...and perhaps you will do well in life...perhaps you won't....my personal experience...is that closing a door out of bitterness etc...will only leave you as the one that pays the consequences. Bandito..I think...and most definitely me...is only trying to say that if people opened their minds more...and stop generalizing so much...maybe they will grow more as a person themselves....and see that not all things are always as they seem.
So Sienna....you continue to do what you feel is right...as it is you that has to look yourself in the mirror...so if staying away from separated people is your preference...so be it. We others out there though that are more open-minded...will continue to try to help you see that generalizing in the end can hurt more then just them.
One last comment....for now...lol..till I get drawn back in again...is that saying that someone, that anyone, has baggage....no matter what their marital title is....no matter whether they have kids or not...is just plain assumptive and close-minded. Not everyone with kids....not everyone who has been in a long relationship..no matter what the "label"...has baggage. There just so happens to be some people in this world that can evolve....learn from what life has dealt them and move on....in a healthy meaningful way.   | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 3/4/2006 10:56:04 AM | Funny though - the only ones in this thread that take issue with my point of view are those that are 'separated' - coincidence? No, i don't think so.  | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 3/4/2006 11:00:09 AM | | Not by law!!! Trouble looking for a place to happen. | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 3/4/2006 11:03:10 AM | Hehe...that's the best you could do..lol! Of course their the main ones..maybe the only ones Sienna....they are the ones that are affected by people closing the door on them just because of their "title"...because their being generalized. Just because not many 'single" people have jumped in to put their two cents worth....doesnt make your opinion right....nice try though ;)  | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 3/4/2006 11:04:47 AM | I think it depends on who left who.
The leaver (usually) left mentally long before they actually left. Probably a safer bet.
The leavee will be more unstable, and typically will want to dive into another intense, but short lived relationship - but he/she will think and talk long term, and then one day it will just be over. A generality, but one that is quite often true. | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 3/4/2006 11:08:46 AM | | Um, onehelluvawoman - this isn't about me being right or wrong - there likely is no right or wrong here. The original post posted the question of is someone who's separated single...and like many others, I expressed my opinion on the matter and why I felt the way I did - I was then accused of being judgmental for having such an opinion. Go figure. | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 3/4/2006 11:19:34 AM | Exactly jumpypants...that does have a lot to do with it...the leaver....usually left long before they "left"....the leavee...often didnt see it coming...and may need more time to get over it....but even then...some people....depending on their life outlook....no matter what happened in their relationship...can actually...deal with it and move on.
By all means...if their is an ex of any kind....proceed with caution...heck...when first dating annnnyone....proceed with caution....people arent always whom they seem to be.
Bottom line folks...it's easy to make yourself appear together in the beginning....it's the longer haul that will prove one way or another. Theres also this little voice inside your head that tells you something is or isnt right about someone. I go with my instincts....and read people by what they say...how they react to situations etc.....not by their marital status. It really isnt that hard to 'see' people for who they really are....you just need to be smart enough to be able to catch the subtleties in what they say to you...how they are with you...their body language and so much more... these things will give you all the answers you are looking for....or at least a good start to decide whether to proceed....or put the brakes on. | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 3/4/2006 11:26:55 AM | Um, onehelluvawoman - this isn't about me being right or wrong - there likely is no right or wrong here. The original post posted the question of is someone who's separated single...and like many others, I expressed my opinion on the matter and why I felt the way I did - I was then accused of being judgmental for having such an opinion
Umm...Sienna...you're right...the original post was a question that asked for opinions....my opinion...was that you and those that "jump" to conclusions about separated people....are being judgemental....not saying Im right or wrong...just expressing my opinion about people with your opinion...lol! Did that make sense...lol!
And I only commented on the below quote from you....to point out...that your comment just wasnt called for....that comment insinuates to me...that only those with your opinion were right. Sorry..hehe...maybe I was just being too "sensitive".
Funny though - the only ones in this thread that take issue with my point of view are those that are 'separated' - coincidence? No, i don't think so. | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 3/4/2006 11:33:49 AM |
Funny though - the only ones in this thread that take issue with my point of view are those that are 'separated' - coincidence? No, i don't think so.
*teeheeeee...exactly!
my 2cents...i guess they're "single" by personal definition...not by law. shoot...i could be dating 3 or how many guys and if I say and believe i'm single...then none of you can convince me otherwise...muahahahahaha...
would i deal with some1 who is "separated"...no. there are plenty of fish in the sea...oOOooOOOooo...no *pun* intended... | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 3/4/2006 11:45:01 AM | I really dont believe that seperated is totally single. I would be very wary about dating a guy newly "seperated" it still gives alot of room for them to try to work things out with teh ex. But in the summer i started to see a guy friend of mine who had already had been seperated for 2 years, adn the divorce was in teh final stages, so i was more comfortable seeing him cause it was in teh final stages. They had done thier councelling, tried theri relationship again and it all failed.
Even though the relationship never really progressed to a more serious relationship for us since he just wasnt' ready to get into a serious relationship yet (he spent 10 years with his wife, they met when he was 21) i was able to hold no ill feelings towards him cauxe i was able to tell myself that in teh begging and we still talk and see eachother the odd time. | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 3/4/2006 11:55:00 AM | I find it immensely ironic, not to mention hypocritical, that I'm accused of being judgmental all because I'm vocal in expressing the fact that I have no interest in dating those who are not yet divorced - yet I am judged as being narrowminded and shortsighted (key word: judged) for having this personal conviction:
So Sienna....you continue to do what you feel is right...as it is you that has to look yourself in the mirror...so if staying away from separated people is your preference...so be it. We others out there though that are more open-minded...will continue to try to help you see that generalizing in the end can hurt more then just them.
And on that note, I fail to see how my making a personal decision to avoid those who are separated is going to hurt me or anyone. That makes no sense at all. That's about as baseless and silly as claiming that I'm narrowminded and at risk of hurting myself and others should I decide that I don't wish to get involved with those who've been married 3+ times, or those who are unemployed, or those who are in their 40s who still live with their parents, or those who've lost their driver's license. It all comes down to personal preference - if you choose to see it as being judged, that's your own issue to work through, not mine. | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 3/4/2006 12:10:42 PM | Sienna...I am not accusing you..or judging you...honestly....I am only stating my opinion about what I feel people are doing when they "label" separated people. I didn't say I was right...I just personally feel that way. As for the rest of my comments...again....I actually was sincerely trying to offer advise...not to diss you....
In my...hehe..."opinion"...it just appears to me that people that are so quick to close a door on someone because of a label... and that this may not just hurt the person they have closed the door on, as you have taken away their chance of meeting you...a wonderful person with a lot to offer...you may have hurt yourself...by closing a door too quickly on someone who just may have been perfect for you.
I guess bottom line..it just saddens me that the majority here do agree with you Sienna....and it saddens me because...it shows to me that this world has gotten so worried and so caught up in itself...that it has lost its ability to truly open doors...to try and see people for who they truly are. Too many people it seems...jump to quick conclusions...then justify them so they can "sleep" at night....so my apologies to you Sienna in that I took my anger at what this world has come to....on you. For that I am truly sorry. I do wish you well...and hope I havent offended you. I am here to make a point just like everyone else...but should not have been so sarcastic and condescending about it. | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 3/4/2006 12:29:06 PM | Separated is not single. It is M*A*R*R*I*E*D*. As in has a husband or a wife. Separated people will date, as will some married people. They are still married.
Most men can take care of themselves in the dating world. But women seem to keep falling for the separated man story. Some will believe the story for years. My ex ran into one of those separated guys. She is tough, though, and kicked him to the curb. Come to think of it, she kicked me to the curb, too. For different reasons.
Single is single, and married is married. Don't you forget that. | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 3/4/2006 1:28:05 PM | Wow, what a great topic, and some really wonderful insights on this from varied opinions. First, I am not going to pass any judgements on anyone for what they do or believe...it is all personal preference, and unless you have actually "walked in a person's shoes" you cannot completely relate to their experience. With that said....
I am separated for over 3 years, and no, not yet divorced. Sienna, I as a "separated" person do not disagree entirely with your views of dating peope who are not yet divorced, in fact, you do have some very valid points. It is enlightening to hear some of the opinions of people who are opposed to dating non divorced separated people, as I sit on the opposite side of the fence currently. I can however, for obvious reasons, relate my experiences much more to the posters on this topic who are on the same side of the fence as myself. And especially those with children involved, as I have 3. (17,13,9)
My children's happiness, mental stability, emotional development, and security are of primary importance. I am college educated, career driven, but while married I made the choice to be with my children as much as possible to ensure a solid foundation for their upbringing. (Which has it's pay-offs, they are all A students, and involved in several activities) I believe in a "no regrets" way of living. You are in control of your own destiny, you cannot change the past, only learn from it, so make solid choices. I want to be able to look back with no regrets, and say "I did the best I could do".
My ex and I are amicable, we equally share all the responsibilities of raising our children. He is a wonderful father and a great friend. We will NOT reconcile. We CHOOSE not to be a married couple. This is a very well thought out choice, as I stated before, the needs of my children are primary, and of course, most children want their parents to stay together, but we decided over 3 years ago, separation leading to divorce was our decision. A very serious one, that will not change.
For the first 2 years, I moved out of the house we own together, with my children. We went from a 2 parent family household with a "leave it to beaver" atmosphere, to a single mom raising kids, with visitations (daily) from dad. We did our best to make this transition as easy as possible for the kids, to maintain their stability. Keeping them in the same schools, where they had been since day one. It was a little hard, but we managed.
After 2 years....about 10 months ago, I began dating a man whom I had known for 2-3 years. When things were going in a positive direction between us, He wanted us to live with him, so we moved into his home (Just north of mine). My ex and I had already at that point discussed and initiated our divorce (papers) and decided to sell our home, and our plan was to buy separate houses near each other north of where we were (just one city north, but new school district, which we felt was better, due to more academic opportunities, and sports, which our kids are very involved in, AND also the school district I had went to). Although uncontested, our divorce will be complex as many are, due to the fact we have several financial ties (time share, home, property, etc) which has always been a dreaded reality, just because it requires so much thought lol. Our "banking and bunking" have been separate since the day we separated however!
So, new boyfriend, new home, new schools, a direction for a new life. MY House for sale on the market (new boyfriend is a realtor and custom home builder), I begin studying for my real estate course (which would allow me a very flexible schedule, to ensure my kids needs are still met), excited things are going well, the kids have adapted, and are happy, they still spend about half their time with their dad, etc. Boyfriend puts his house on the market, with plans to build another for us.
To make a long story short...things go bad (that is an understatement) in mine and my boyfriend's "relationship", so for the stability of my kids, I move them back to what is a familiar and safe, secure home...MINE. Yes, my ex is now my "room-mate", and this is a choice I HAD to make (albeit hard) for the best of all parties involved.
Our divorce is not finalized, we live "SEPARATELY" in the same household, it is easy coordinating the kid's schedules, and until I am established in my new career (I finished my real estate course with 93% overall), I am not prepared to embark on moving my kids yet another time (I now have to commute them to school 4 times per day 30 minutes each way for the past 4 months, but I WILL NOT create instability in their lives by transferring their school again, so it is necessary I drive them). They are very well adjusted due to our efforts in keeping things secure.
My ex and I share expenses (I do have my own income besides real estate), he provides healthcare through his employer. This is not our "ideal" way of doing things, but it works for now.
My house had offers, but I took it off the market recently (partly because the now "EX" boyfriend was our realtor, and decided I would relist my home myself when I obtained my license, which I plan to do in the next couple months).
Some people may judge this, or not understand, but the people in my life who KNOW us commend us for our situation. My ex and I are supportive of the other one, dating people. We even ask "What did you do last night?" or "How was your date?" We coordinate our schedules to accomodate not just ourselves, but each other and the kids. We are no more than room-mates who just happen to have children in common. And we have such separate lives, we do not really even see one another very often for living in the "same" household.
Much of this may not have alot to do with the original post, but I have not yet run into anyone who refused to date me because I am not yet legally divorced. Although I completely respect a person's own reasons for making that choice if it ever happens. I do understand people's unwillingness to try to comprehend a non-traditional or "abNormal" situation such as mine, but as I said initially..."Until you walked in someone's shoes" A VERY important life lesson for me which I truly did not consider until I could relate having been there.
I now, place very careful thought before I make an opinion of what someone else's choices are, because there are always reasons behind their actions. Even if I don't agree with them, they ARE their own.
My Marriage was OVER 3 years ago. From it, I gained a wonderful friend, great father to my children, an appreciation of stability, and a desire to be in REAL love, with a life partner I want to share my life with romantically and indefinitely. I have no "baggage", I am emotionally stable, I have already "Moved on", and look forward to a happy life ahead, with OR without a significant other. I am in no rush to get married again (I guess, as someone else in this forum mentioned, another reason the "Divorce paper" was not all that important for the past 3 years).
My Plan? Keep the kids stable, keep my bills current, get my real estate license/clientelle, list my house for sale by May (Closer to end of school yr, as it will sell quickly), get my divorce finalized, split properties/equities, buy a house north of here so the kids are in the school district they began this year, make the most of all situations and be happy :o) Ex husband will be buying one fairly close as well, to enable the kids to be with him as much as they would like to, and make ALL of our lives much easier. I guess I learned a wonderful example from my divorced parents who remained friends, even with each of their new partners! They often hung out together even.
I feel fortunate we (my Ex and I) do have an amicable relationship, as several years ago, I was a single mother (with my first child), divorced, going to college full time, struggling to take care of my son, working 2 jobs, etc. It was NOT easy. I had no help, I did it myself.
I would date someone who was separated, and not divorced. But with each individual situation, you need to analyze all aspects of it, to decide if it is the right situation for you, or one that you want to deal with.
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 3/4/2006 1:40:30 PM |
I'm seperated. Not legally divorced.. We kind of went our seperate ways years and years ago and haven't even talked to him in 8 years.. But I'm not legally divorced. Does that mean I am not able (emotionally and mentally) to embark on a new relationship? No, it just means I'm too damn cheap to pay a crook, errr.. I mean lawyer.. for the paperwork! lol
Seperated ISN'T single.
There is a book available in all states titled "Doing Your Own Divorce in (state name)" it is a fairly straightforeawd process that you don'r really need a lawyer for unless there are complicated property issues. | |
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| Is separated single?
Posted: 3/4/2006 1:48:13 PM | To me, "Single" In the literal sense of the term implies "Never married". Divorced means it is finalized on paper. Separated can mean many things.
On my profile, I chose "Dating" because I am not single or divorced technically. If anyone asks me my situation I am always up front.
"We have been separated for over 3 years, but it is not yet finalized through the courts"
 I need a nap lol | |
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