| Why do I feel like this??
Posted: 3/29/2006 5:08:12 PM | HI..
If it helps.. Walk away.. I have been there done that too.
You are better than him.. think of all his faults and write them down.. tape them to your phone... evertime you want to call him.. read the faults... think of what he has not done for
you instead of being alone. YOU WILL MAKE IT! | |
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| Why do I feel like this??
Posted: 3/29/2006 5:46:08 PM | if u keep on putting up with it...... he will keep doing it hun
u r in healing it will take sometime hun hang in there k
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| Why do I feel like this??
Posted: 3/30/2006 6:36:25 PM | Hey, I hope it doesn't sound like I am whining, I just need to vent.
Yesterday, I let that man come over to see our son and it went like this: When he got here, he took our son outside for a few minutes, then they came in and I told him to feed our son and I went out to smoke, I wasn't even finished my cig when he rings our child out and tries to start kissing and hugging on me. When I told him to leave me alone and visit the child he got quiet and said so how was your day? and I just started to go inside when he got really mad and said for me to take our son and I was immature and stupid cause I wasn't talking to him. He told me to find another daddy for our child and when our son grows up tell him the reason his real daddy wasn't around is ecause his mom is a stupid **tch.
Do you think I should have sat there and discussed how my day was? The reason I didn't is I still love him and thought sitting there talking with him would make it harder to leave him alone, I didn't want him to shut our child out, or do you think he is just playing more games?
PS Sorry, the letter after a isn't working on this key oard | |
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| Why do I feel like this??
Posted: 3/31/2006 2:13:56 PM | Dear Confuzed,
I have been thinking about your post since I happened across this forum last evening. I echo those who give you praise for having the strength to set your boundaries and stick to them...in my professional work I ran theraputic groups for men who batter (battery is both physical, emotional, AND psychological), as many would guess there were very few men in those groups who were there by choice, most where there because they were mandated to be in therapy by the Family Courts or they faced jail time. This man whom you write of seriously sounds like he is a controler and a manipulator, and even though everyone can say "oh your better off without him" I know that this does not take away the feelings of guilt and feelings of being alone.
Confuzed, I grew up in a household were my father abused my mother - rarely was is it a physical assault, the majority of the time it was emotional and psychological abuse and disrespect...I love my father, but he was a terrible and abusive husband, and while he never abused me directly I was still a casualty of his selfishness and dysfuncational behavior because by abusing my mother HE WAS abusing me too, not to mention how the stress and tension in my home effected me psychologically (even though I appeared fine all the time, inside I was always frightened or insecure), and what it taught me about male-female relationships...have you talked with your children about this situation?? I spent many years of my childhood feeling like it was somehow my fault AND feeling like I was bad if I loved my father, it might be something to talk to them about at an age appropriate level or maybe even making an appointment with your children's school counselor (some schools have psychologists on staff as well) and let them know what has been going on and ask them to talk with your children about thier feelings if you feel like it would be difficult for you to do it by yourself (you can even ask to join your children with the counselor sometime). The wonderful thing about school counselor is that no one gets labeled (my own mother was worried that people would think I was "crazy" if I spoke to a professional helper...thankful times and perceptions have changed and now EVERYONE sees a professional helper it seems like : ) ) and it costs nothing as it is part of the schools health system. If your children's school doesn't have a counselor, you can even call your local Social Services Department and ask for referrals for social workers or counselors who work with children. It need not be a long term thing, but it might help them process both the situation now, the hurt that they have witness and experienced in the past, and believe me it will bring you and your chidlren closer together (even if you choose to talk to them yourself at a good time in an age appropriate way).
My heart goes out to you and your children, both as Psychologist and as a person. There might even be support groups available for women in your situation. Again calling your local Social Services Department and asking about any local support groups for 'domestic abuse'
or if there is a (pardon the term) Battered Women's Center (or even a Women;s Center - in my little rinky-dink back woods hometown we had a women's center so its possible you might have one in yours) could be a place to contact to see if groups are available- simply for support and to have others to talk to face to face when you might need it. I know many groups through Women's Centers are no charge, and having spent sometime working with such an agency I know that even though you can hold your own there are times when even the bravest and the strongest of us need someone just to listen and understand.
You seem to have many people behind you in this forum and its a great place to start. I wish you the best and send you positive thoughts!! | |
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| Why do I feel like this??
Posted: 4/1/2006 1:47:11 PM | | WELL IT IS THE ONE WHO IS IN LOVE THAT ALWAYS FEELS THE PAIN. SO YOU ARE THAT ONE. I AM SORRY FOR YOUR PAIN BUT I AM HAPPY TO HEAR THAT YOU ARE WISE ENOUGH TO REALIZE HE ISNT THE ONE FOR YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN. THAT ISNT THE WAY A LOVING RELATIONSHIP SHOULD BE AND YOU MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE. JUST DONT LET YOUR HEART BE TAKEN OR GIVEN SO EASILY. I WAS MARRIED 18 YRS AND MY HUSBAND CHEATED ALL THOSE YEARS I TRIED SO HARD TO MAKE IT WORK AND WOULD ALWAYS FORGIVE HIM, BUT ONE DAY I JUST SAID ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. I HAD TO GET MY LIFE TOGETHER SO I WAS HAPPY FOR A CHANGE AND ALSO FOR THE HAPPINESS OF MY CHILDREN. YES IT IS HARD. I WAS DEVASTATED AND I CRIED EVERY DAY FOR 3 YEARS. EVERY WHERE I WENT I WOULD SEE THINGS OR HEAR SONGS THAT REMINDED ME OF HIM. BUT TIME DOES HEAL ALL WOUNDS. I HAVE BEEN SINGLE FOR 9 YEARS NOW AND I AM THE HAPPIEST I HAVE EVER BEEN. HOWEVER THE KIDS ARE FINALLY GROWN AND I AM MISSING A COMPANION. I HAVE DATED OFF AND ON FOR THESE NINE YEARS AND HAVE MET A LOT OF JERKS AND I LIVED WITH ONE WHO WANTED TO HIT ME AND THEN WITH ONE WHO HATED MY KIDS. SO NEVE AGAIN WILL LIVE WITH A MAN UNTIL I AM SURE HE LOVES ME BEYOND A DOUBT AND I LOVE HIM THE SAME. ONLY THEN WILL I COMMIT TO HIM AND WONT LIVE WITH HIM WITHOUT MARRIAGE SO THAT USUALLY SCARES THEM AWAY UNLESS THEY ARE THE RIGHT ONE. GOOD LUCK AND DONT GIVE UP. THERE SOME GREAT GUYS OUT THERE. I HAVE LOTS OF MALE FRIENDS AND THEY ARE GREAT. JUST HAVENT MET MR. RIGHT YET. | |
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| Why do I feel like this??
Posted: 4/1/2006 1:51:50 PM | THIS IS GREAT ADVICE.THANKS FOR SENDING IT . IT WILL PROBABLY HELP ALOT OF OTHERS.
[please refrain from posting your replies in ALL CAPS/Forum Moderator] | |
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| Why do I feel like this??
Posted: 4/2/2006 3:19:39 PM | dear confused. My grandpa used to tell me something which I kinda live by. Your life is a novel. And there will be many chapters in your lifetime.you are in the bad chapter of the book right now. But wait and the next one will be a better one. A person cannot grow to be who they are without a little saddness, a little happiness and a lot of confusion.tension frustration and joy. When you get old you will look back on your life,and the book will read in a whole new way.Things will be clearer as to why things happened the way they did. And you will look at your book and say that is a heck of a story.  | |
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| Why do I feel like this??
Posted: 4/3/2006 10:12:58 AM | | confused, Let me ask you a question Do you think you could live a lifetime feeling like you do right now? Plus add a little or a lot more drama to the mix. Do you think this life would be good for your baby to see? I think and this is only my opinion lose the loser. He is just playing games with you keeping you around just incase the bi*** makes him mad so he has choices. Dont you deserve to have a happy life also? I would dump him now set up with friend of the court the visitation problem and child support that you are intitled to and have as little to do with him as possible. Good luck to you girl. I know you dont believe this right now but things will get better if you stand up for your self now. | |
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| Why do I feel like this??
Posted: 4/3/2006 10:26:42 AM | You guys here have really given me alot of strength. Everytime I feel like calling him or I feel like I miss him, I go back and read your responses, and I feel better. I also have a couple hateful messages on my cell phone that I listen to a few times a day to keep me thinking straight.
Actually, he hasn't called since last week when he told me to find the baby a new daddy. I thought he would have changed his mind about seeing his son by now but I guess he was serious about not seeing him anymore and maybe things are better this way anyway. | |
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| Why do I feel like this??
Posted: 4/3/2006 4:33:39 PM | In the future have the courage to ask more for yourself. The only reason guys (and girls) like this acy the way they do is because women let them...and don't think for a moment he isn't going to treat his misstress as he treated you.
You deserve a better man and your children deserve to be shown a healthy relationship by an involved and devoted father. | |
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| Why do I feel like this??
Posted: 4/11/2006 10:06:37 AM | Okay, today is the first time I have heard from my baby's dad in almost two weeks. He sent 2 text messages saying he wants to put an easter basket outside for my son. I didn't respond so he called from a private number and I answer it and he says can he put a basket outside for our son and I said "didn't you give him up 2 weeks ago?" He said "I don't want to see him cause I don't want to be around you I just want to put a basket outside for him" and I told him no. I was telling him the baby needs more than a basket like money, diapers, and wipes but I don't think he even heard that cause he was just saying F*** You over and over so I just hung up. I sent him a text and said to just leave us alone and he sent one back saying F*** you.
So wtf is he acting like this for?? He didn't ask how the baby is, he don't help support the baby, but an easter basket is so important? | |
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| Why do I feel like this??
Posted: 4/11/2006 10:46:38 AM | | He sounds like a bi-polar control freak and in desperate need of meds. Go to a lawyer and get a free consultation. The man is dangerous to himself and others. You may need to talk to the police and get a restraining order to protect yourself and your son. Get the help you need from the local resources in your area. The POF forums are great for getting advice and reading about others problems, but we can't help you in real life. You have to take action to protect yourself. I sense danger and am only trying to help keep you and your son safe from harm. Good Luck... | |
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| Why do I feel like this??
Posted: 4/11/2006 11:53:03 AM | OP-you may be hurting(of COURSE)
BUT, kick into 'SURVIVAL' mode
for your CHILD'S sake
SAVE,DOCUMENT each and EVERY one of bio father's
ABUSIVE actions-verbally,physically
file for an order of protection, and...
FILE for CHILD SUPPORT
he may have made the decision to NOT be in the child's
life- in any physical POSITIVE sense
HOWEVER, that does NOT absolve him of the
financial RESPONSIBILITY that he HAS to the child
that he DECIDED to bring into this world
get your 'ducks in a row', be prepared and DILIGENT
your heart will heal, or
develope 'scar tissue' , making it a lil easier to take the
next 'blow'
good luck darlin
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| RE: Why do I feel like this??
Posted: 4/11/2006 11:59:14 AM | I've been reading this thread w/ keen interest because I can fully relate. I'd been going through a very long and difficult break-up. He was abusive (the LAPD were called twice by concerned neighbors); sometimes he acted like a spoiled, selfish, self-centered 3-yr.old child; he cried a lot if things didn't go his way. At first I was amused by it all, but it was hard to ignore his character flaws when he became violent. I think it started one month after we hooked-up. I stayed in it for 13 mos. He had some very wonderful qualities that made my decision to leave all the more difficult. He was very generous; he made me laugh a lot; he was a superb lover who gave me a lot of confidence in that area of my life; incredible shopping sprees on Rodeo Dr. in BH and Robertson Ave. in W. Hollywood. Dining in great restaurants all over L.A. whenever we wanted. He asked me to marry him with a $6,000 engagement ring! When his mood would swing in the other direction, I'd never, ever been treated with such disrespect and hostility. He loved yto pick fights w/ me, and I always lost. His home became very oppressive & I'd have to pack everything up and go home for good...12 times. I didn't want to give-up my comfort zone; I thought I could fix him! Besides, I hated the thought of dating again; we had great sex; what if I can't find someone just as good with all the positive attributes??? Anyway, as it worked out, he made the decision for me....to kick his ass to the curb. Before I moved out the very last time and left the ring behind, he admitted he was fuc-ing another woman for the last 4 months. He told me I had been his greatest lover of all time....I just hope and pray that not all (who appear to be eligible) men are that damaged. This was very damaging for me I'm pretty much over it. His very close pals admitted to me that this was his pattern w/ all the women he seduced. | |
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| RE: Why do I feel like this??
Posted: 4/11/2006 1:02:25 PM | | Hi, I'm happy you're finding your way, I 've been hurt that way it sucks, you will find a better man than him, in my opinion the guys is a nutcase and no one deserves to be treated that way, In my opinion I'm sorry if this offends you, yeah the money and sex were good but to me, one there is always someone better. The second to me is that the important thing is how the significant other is treated, no one deserves be taken advantange of, unless there are really horrible people, you did the right thing and be proud of it, because your stronger than he is for not taking his crap anymore. Someone better than he is will come along and your void will be filled. I hope this helps=) | |
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| RE: Why do I feel like this??
Posted: 4/27/2006 10:23:19 AM | My life seems like an on-going soap opera and I am sick of it. My baby's dad showed up on easter and I had a friend and my sister over and the kids were playing outside. He got out and handed me two bags of candy for the kids and left. Now he loves me to death and wants to marry me. ( I guess he thinks the friend I had over is my new man)
Okay, he wants to have a cookout at the park this weekend for the kids and then he wants to take me out to dinner later. Says he realizes what he had and wants to work out our problems, move back in and marry me. I haven't given him any answers about anything (not even the Saturday cookout thing) because I just don't know what to do anymore.
I love him, but he has hurt me so much that its not the same as it used to be.
Advice, please | |
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teri43
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Joined: 12/27/2004
Msg: 43 | |
| Why do I feel like this??
Posted: 4/27/2006 10:37:55 AM | Even though he's the one that cheated and treated you like the dirt beneath his shoes, you feel that it is your fault. First step is realizing this and next is moving on. Instead of getting down on yourself, take the experience and learn from it, albeit, a bad experience, nonetheless, an experience. Learning from it will also show your daughters that positive self-esteem is much better than being with someone who cheats on you. The reward is that you have your health, sanity and kids to help you during this time. Not only do you save yourself, you teach your daughters how NOT to be treated. Being alone is much better than being lonely because you don't have to lie next to the reason for feeling miserable. You have a wonderfully kind heart and use this experience to your advantage (if and when) you ever date again. Now you know what to look for and who not to be with. another note, he knows that he can string you along because you love him so much.
lots luv. | |
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| Why do I feel like this??
Posted: 4/27/2006 10:47:15 AM | You feel that way because you still love him. As the old cliche says, "Time heals all wounds".
Each and every day that you are without him you are a better and stronger person. You are someone for your children to look up to, and you will find that your self esteem strengthens. There are going to be days when you are very lonely, angry, and hurt. Don't let those days do you in, find the joy in your children and knowing that you made the best decision for YOU and your munchkins. Hardest part is the first day, like giving up smoking.. each day that you go without.. is one day healthier.. same goes for an abusive relationship... Good for you for standing up for yourself... don't ever let anyone treat you so poorly again... you deserve better!!!!!! | |
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| Why do I feel like this??
Posted: 4/27/2006 10:54:24 AM | "Each and every day that you are without him you are a better and stronger person" is how I was feeling after he said to find the baby a new daddy and didn't come around for a couple weeks, now I just don't know what to do.
I can move on if he will leave us alone, but now he is always around or calling and wants to marry me??!? I love him still but can I ever trust him again??? | |
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| Why do I feel like this??
Posted: 4/27/2006 11:41:57 AM | Confuzed..... as a man.. that would be me... i would have to say this.....DUMP HIS SORRY ASS AND MOVE ON!
step one: report this to the police tell them that you fear for your saftey and your childs safety... next time he sees YOUR child maybe the last time you see the child, happens ALL the time. I would also venture to guess that he has hit you in the past and said it wasnt his fault .. that you made him do it... or atleast threatened you with violence....also .. seek professional shrink to help you deal with the mental and possibly physical abuse you have been subjected to.
step two: restraining order...seek professional shrink to help you deal with the mental and possibly physical abuse you have been subjected to.
Step three: domestic relations, file for support, and make a visitation scheadule that includes supervised visits. seek professional shrink to help you deal with the mental and possibly physical abuse you have been subjected to.
Step four: though you THINK you love him, are you IN LOVE with him. there is a HUGE difference. I can say i love my soon to be EX WIFE, but i am NOT INLOVE with her. i love her because she is the mother of my son and i respect her because of the same. but i am NOT in love with her. You THINK you love this dirt bag, but cut all unneeded ties with him and move on. seek professional shrink to help you deal with the mental and possibly physical abuse you have been subjected to.
I have a question that is very personal in nature and you do nto have to answer it here....
Were you abused as a child? what was your father or father figure like while you were growing up? Did you have a father figure?
My shrink... yes.. i goto a shrink once a month not because i have to .. but because i want to so that i can make sure i am not goign down the path that i was raised and understand more about why i am the way i am and understand more about what my childhood was like... but any way she ha told me that those who were abused as a child most times... NOT always seek out that same kind of treatment i thier adult lives because that is what they view as " normal". You dont have to put up with the mental ups and downs from this jack off...
right now he has you where he wants you.. under his thumb and he is in controll of you if you like it or not. or if you know it or not. he has control of you and your life. only YOU can change that. | |
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| Why do I feel like this??
Posted: 4/27/2006 2:33:51 PM | Exactly! ^^
Perfect in fact.. Confuzed you should call the police. He is without a doubt harrassing you..
Tell him to stay the hell away from you, and if he wants anything to do with you, to do it through his lawyer.. This is part of the abuse cycle... He will just keep doing the same things over and over, for as long as you allow it.
Give yourself some time.. he knows that putting himself in your face will make it harder for you to get over him. You are a beautiful strong woman. You know what to do, and will make the decision that is right for you. | |
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| Why do I feel like this??
Posted: 5/3/2006 11:27:08 AM | Thank you to everyone who has posted and you have all helped me so much!
I have been stronger this time than I have been in the past. Does anyone know how I can get counseling without insurance?? I have made a few calls and the only thing I can come up with is to go to the emergency room and they can put you on some anti-depressant or meds (or lock you up in the mental section) but I need professional help and I know it, just can't afford it. | |
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| Why do I feel like this??
Posted: 5/3/2006 8:13:58 PM | hmm, not sure how the 'mental health' services are in
yer neck o da woods
perhaps there are 'community centers' near you?
instead of calling zee hospitals, or private therapists-
try calling any local social services agencies,community centers
inquire about 'support groups', such
ALSO-sometimes churches have 'centers' for support groups
all KINDS of support groups
i would NOT recommend getting involved in ANY 'diagnosis' of
a mental 'disorder'...through a hospital, or ANYwhere else
this COULD be 'used' against you/looked at in terms of
parenting-somewhere down 'the line'
you are simply going through some life difficulties (as ALL do)
and, some talking about such with others(especially those with similar experience)
could prove helpful
we ALL need a 'shoulder' (or 2) from time to time
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| RE: Why do I feel like this??
Posted: 5/3/2006 9:02:01 PM |
I still want to go over but I don't because begging someone is not going to make me feel better because I couldn't possibly feel any worse. Any Advice for me
Yes, I have some advice for you.
Accept your responsibility for choosing to become intimate with a man who had no committment to you and did not want to build a lifetime relationship with you via marriage. Vow to make better choices in the future.
Continue on with your physical fitness program and career development. But make sure it is a physical fitness program, not a weight loss program. Weight loss is for other people to look at. Physical fitness is for you to enjoy.
Add a spiritual development program to your routine. Spiritual development is the best way to deal with lonliness.
And last, work on being a good mother to your children.
If you do all the above, you won't have much time left for loneliness. | |
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