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| Do you think he will get 50% joint custody?
Posted: 3/6/2006 5:46:14 PM |
"I will give him an opportunity to visit his child whenever he wants after the child is born (he just has to give me advanced notice). If he can take care of him or her and I feel comfortable with this, then I may let him take the child away to visit his parents for an hour or two."
I think that I'm being very reasonable by allowing him to visit whenever he wants to.
Again. Put yourself in his shoes. If you turn this into a fight and he comes out the "victor" with sole custody, is this something you would find acceptable? I mean think about it:
Besides, he has already told me that I will have more access to this child over the first year because I'm the one who can take a one year maternity leave.
What seems to be the trust issue? This does not sound like he is trying to take your child away from you. Why do you need to antagonize him? Why do you need to start an unnecessary fight?
Wouldn't you do the same if you knew that your ex could walk out on your child's life at anytime and never come back?
Well if that happened, then you wouldn't exactly have to worry about restricting his time now would you?
Like has been said again and again... you're punishing your child. You are not protecting your child, you are hurting him/her. You are denying them the possibility of a good relationship with someone who might very well be an excellent father just because he didn't turn out to be your knight in shining armour. Again... role reversal. Whether you were the victim in this situation or not... he obviously didn't feel like you were the kind of wife he wanted. Does that make you a bad mother?
I don't trust my ex neither. I probably never will. But she is my daughter's mother. There's nothing I can do to change that. I would never consider playing games with my daughter for such reasons.
None of us are telling you this because we think you are a bad person. We have been there. We know how things work. We know how things end up. We may not know absolutely every detail of your story, but we know what courts and lawyers do and it is not pretty! You are doing your child no favours by interfering in their relationship with their father. Put your personal feelings aside. Until he does something that proves he is a poor excuse for a father, do your best to cooperate and keep things as civil as possible. My mistrust and extreme disliking for my ex only came into play when she took our daughter away from me. Up until then, we were working amicably on sorting things out. The lawyers screwed it up by playing to her greed... and she ended up getting bugger all in the end. You may not trust your ex-husband, but I would say you can trust your child's father more than you can trust a lawyer. | |
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| Do you think he will get 50% joint custody?
Posted: 3/12/2006 6:57:31 PM | Well, I've done a lot of thinking about this subject. I do think that this baby does deserve to have his or her father in his or her life. I have to be the bigger person and allow the baby's father to do this. I think the way I will do this is to let him come over to see that baby for the first year on supervised visits and then gradually allowing him to have time with his child on his own as I can be sure that he can take care of him or her. I will be telling him that I want full custody for the first year and he can have visitation rights. When a year is up, I will revisit the custody issue based on how much he will be involved in the child's life.
I think this solution is the best considering what has happened in the last few months. I know what he is like and I know from experience in our marriage that he does not follow through with promises. He is very involved in his own life and he put our marriage before the lives of his family and friends - which I don't think was right. I believe that when you get married, that you are supposed to love that person unconditionally. I think that he is a very selfish person, and I don't think he can or will be willing to give up the life that he had - going out with friends all the time, being involved in so many activities, hanging out with his family and not spending time with his wife. If he wasn't willing to do this for me (especially when I was carrying his child and as sick as a dog), then how can I be sure he will do this for our child? He hasn't been around to help me during this pregnancy, so how can I depend on him to be around when our child is born? Any decent person would have tried to go to counselling to work out our problems rather than just run away from them when I was in such a vulnerable state, especially with a child on the way. Any decent person would have offered to help me pack and move out of our house when it was sold. Instead, I had to rely on myself, friends and family members to help me pack and move when I was 9 months pregnant (and work full time). Any decent person would have called or emailed once and a while and ask about the pregnancy. Instead, as friends have told me, I don't exist in his mind. I have been completely blocked out of life - like I were dead.
My obstectrician told me that men typically who leave their wives or signficant others during pregnancy are not ready to be a father. He says that typically they are interested in their child for the first 1-2 years and then they move on with their own lives and show little or no interest in the child after that. He's the expert. He's been in the business for several years. I am just preparing myself for the worst possible scenario.
Who knows though? He may surprise me. He may be a great father...at least I will be giving him a chance to prove that he will be. Only the future will tell.
And by the way, I think that any judge will see my point of view in terms of custody. I will be talking to a child psychologist about the issue of 50% access. I would like to know of their opinion on the subject, because I really don't think it is beneficial for the child. I think that I will have the upper hand if we do battle it out, based on how well I've handled this situation and the strength I've showed throughout this time! | |
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| Do you think he will get 50% joint custody?
Posted: 3/12/2006 9:22:51 PM |
Who knows though? He may surprise me. He may be a great father...at least I will be giving him a chance to prove that he will be. Only the future will tell.
And that's why we were saying give him a chance. By no means allow him to ruin your child's life, but it's not for his benefit that you are doing this... it is for your child. Like I say, if he decides to ditch your child, then you don't have to worry about restricting access. At least if you show a willingness to cooperate, he would have a hard time convincing the courts that you are trying to keep him our of his child's life.
I know my ex tried her damnedest to keep our daughter away from me. It was a two part thing... control and money. But because she tried so hard to keep me away, the courts ended up giving me overnights... unsupervised. In my case, there was absolutely no reason not to. But I didn't realize until months later how powerful of a statement the court made when they ruled that way. It really was a stronger message than I understood at the time. It really did take away a great deal of the control my ex was trying to have over me.
But yeah... always think of your child first when making decisions. There's a little saying they had in a course I had to take... "It's better to have one parent behaving good than two parents behaving poorly." Even if he ends up being a good father, you can never go wrong being a good mother. That way you will know for sure things are good in at least one place. | |
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| Do you think he will get 50% joint custody?
Posted: 3/12/2006 11:24:42 PM | I read threads like this in various forums that have to deal with break ups and children.
My situation is like so many others.
I was married, had 2 wonderful boys and my ex cheated on me when our youngest was 6 months old. I was to busy working to give her everything so she could stay at home with the children. She kicked me out and moved in her bf and they expected me to pay for everything. I was working 90 hours a week and still had my oldest who was 3 at the time and a new born infant 48 hours a during the week and EVERY weekend for over 18 months. Finally I fought for and got 50% custody, every alternating week. I proceeded with the divorce trying to get her out of the house and have it sold to pay off debts. With the housing market the way it is I could have walked away debt free. 3 years later the house was destroyed, 15 grand added to the mortgage because she was so far in arrears from late payments and penalty fees. SO I have lost approx 50 thousand just from the house alone. I have our 2nd pre trial coming up in 2 days and I am armed with 100's of photos of the hosue and property where she was raising the kids during her week. Every carpet in the house has been ripped up and removed because of animal feces and urine damage. Holes in most walls, all doors clawed from animals trying to get through from being locked in rooms.
My ex is on her 4th lawyer in 3 years, she has ignored every court paper sent to her. She has fought everything for no reason. I had evidence that went to the first pretrial that the judge did not believe. Now I have photo evidence they will have to believe. My laywer and I now know why she refused us to see inside the house for so long.
My children do not like living with her and her current live in bf (her 3rd in 3 years) and they call my place home. We live our life like she doesn't exist. Every week I find out more things that she tells them. Not once in 3 years has she ever tried calling to talk to them. She tells the boys I refuse to let her call. Whatever. I tell them to get her phone number and they can call whenever they want. My oldest who is now 6 looks at me and says well mom says you won't let us. I say..you get the number and you can call when ever you want. I know she won't give it because she has a court order that states she is to provide the number and she refuses. I don't know what the reason is and nor do I care anymore. She is dead to me. We don't talk nor do we agree on anything. I know that is childish but I can't afford to let petty crap bother me anymore. I am 31 years old and I just had a heart attack 4 weeks ago. It is not worth it. I found out I have a gentic problem with my heart. She rates a 0 on a scale of 1 to 10.
Our second pre trial is on tuesday. She ignored all the agreements that we agreed to at the first one. With the evidence I have. I am almost guarenteed a custody assessment of her conditions. She is an unstable individual. I have no doubt that she loves her children but they deserve more then she can provide. The things we do during our week keep us so busy that we have no time to be concerned about her, the boys need to be active. Sitting around while she spends all her time with her bf is not what raising children is all about.
Maybe someday when she is able to get her life in focus and be concerned about more then herself then I would entertain 50%. Right now my children deserve more then they are getting.
Its not about me winning. Its not about her winning. Its about my boys winning. | |
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| Do you think he will get 50% joint custody?
Posted: 3/13/2006 1:59:14 PM | Wow. I congratulate you on your efforts to do what is best for your children. I hope for their sake, that you get the majority of the custody.
It sounds like she has lots of power in this case.
I just hope that my ex realizes that he is an irresponsible person and that he understands where he has made lots of mistakes. I just hope that he doesn't make the same mistakes with our child. There are so many broken promises that he has made to me. I've actually kept track of them and have them written down from his emails back and forth to me.
His parents haven't helped him out one bit either. They just give him gifts and spoil him and do everything for him when he is at home or elsewhere. They won't tell him what he has done is wrong. Then they give me gifts to almost 'make up' for their sons poor behaviour. I'm at the point where I really don't want the gifts anymore. They never talk about the situation and they hedge around it all the time like it never happened. | |
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| Do you think he will get 50% joint custody?
Posted: 3/13/2006 5:22:54 PM |
He is demanding that he has the right to have 50% custody of our child once he or she is one year old. I don't agree with this. A child needs a safe and secure household. None of this week at one place a week at the other place. I don't think that 50% custody is in the best interest of the child.I am willing for him to have every other weekend and one night a week visitation access because I think a child needs a father figure in his or her life, but that is it.
Coming out of a recent divorce where my EX and I have joint custody...can you explain to me how it is that sharing custody is UNSAFE and INSECURE. Our custody arrangements are quite simple. I have OUR daughter on Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and alternating Sundays. If circumstances arise, we gladly rotate with each other, no questions asked (so long as neither of us are abusing the system we have in place).
I just don't think that 50% custody is the best interest for a child.
You keep repeating this, but can you actually explain WHY you think this? | |
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| Do you think he will get 50% joint custody?
Posted: 3/13/2006 6:11:37 PM | Oh my gosh! I know exactly what you are going through and how you feel. My husband left me 2 weeks after I found out I was pregnant. I found out a month later that he was cheating. I had to go through the whole pregnancy myself. Everything you wrote above sounds way too familiar. We had been trying for 4 months to get pregnant then out of the blue, he came home from work and said he didn't love me. No warning, no emotional support. I wanted to go to counseling and he would have nothing to do with it. He also wanted to go to the Dr. appts. I let him go to a couple and then he would make cracks at me and put me down so I wouldn't let him go either. He never supported me financially and when it came time for me to move out, when I was 7 months pregant, he offered to help and never went through with it too. I ended up going into preterm labor right after I moved out and was on bedrest for a month. It just happened to be the same week our divorce was supposed to be finalized.
I teared up reading your message because it hit so close to home. My daughter is now 6 months old and is precious. He kept saying in the beginning that he wanted 50/50 custody and then when it came down to court he didn't even try for it. I felt the same way you do about the situation. To this day, he keeps saying he wants to be the best father he can but he has only paid one month of child support and he gets her every othe weekend and usually wants to bring her back early on Sunday. I wish you the best of luck for you and your baby! Hang in there. Things do get better and you will be so thankful he gave you such a beautiful baby. | |
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| Do you think he will get 50% joint custody?
Posted: 3/13/2006 6:54:03 PM | I myself is going through a similar situation. except him and I were not married. some states no longer do 50/50 custody. its joint conservater. (something like that) that he can only help make the decisions.
My boyfriend left me when i was preg. then decided he had a repsonsiblity to take care of and come back. stayed 8 months and left again, with a co worker that he was only friends with (so they said).
i am and have an attorney. they are not all out to get your money. so are doing what is best for the child. My boyfriend didn't help around the house, and trying to get him to help support our daughter as far as diapers, wipes, formula, daycare that he once agreed to do if he was to ever leave. but he has shown that all he is about is talking. he doesn't come through as he says he is. unless its on his terms, or when he is good and ready to attend to the matter at hand. I think you need to do what "YOU" think is best for your child. rather anyone understands, they dont know the circumstancs or the whole situation. Even though you chose the man, and believed in him, sometime things dont go they way you want them to. that doesn't mean he shouldn't be allowed to see the child. I know in texas. if they child is under the age of three. the child is not permited to go with the father. that 1st,3rd, & 5th weekend apply to 3yrs and older. If anything is in his history that shows he is unfit. then its all how you prove what things you have experienced. I have been told to write things down if we talk, or if he trys to see our daughter. But then again our situation is different because we are not married. so I dont know how things are differnet in that aspect. just do what you feel is right. and if you have to ask yourself or if your in doubt then dont. I dont talk ill of her father, plus she wouldn't understand if I did. children can go by your emotions the feel it rather then undersand words I hope and wish you the best. just dont do anything because your hurt or upset. do what you feel is right only because its right. | |
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| Do you think he will get 50% joint custody?
Posted: 3/15/2006 6:45:55 PM | Sorry to hear what you are going through
Personaly I dont you have to worrie about the father getting 50/50 custody untill the child is a bit older. Its not good to seperate infants from their mothers for long periods of time. The best thing for an infant is frequent, short, visits from the father, untill the child is at least a year. Most court systems understand this. Will you be breast feeding? The father should get 50/50 desion making rights,but 50/50 custody is just crazy at this stage. It is in the childs best intrest to have plenty of time with both parents,and you are lucky that the father wants to be involved in his childs life. All you can do is do whats best for your child. Good luck!!
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| Do you think he will get 50% joint custody?
Posted: 3/16/2006 1:27:32 PM | I just don't think 50% custody works because a child is dragged from home to home. A child deserves a life where they are not dragged from household to household. A child deserves a life where they have a consistent routine and pattern. A child deserves a life where there is straightforward rules and expectations. Without these in place, it can be quite detrimental to a child's life. It can be hard on a child's life developmentally speaking.
I think the only way that 50% custody works is if mom and dad are good at communicating and keeping in touch with each other. They need to share information about the child everytime there is a switchover. Both parents need to have the same rules and guidelines. Both parents need to be able to talk with each other without fighting. Both parents need to work together. I think that 50% works if both parents were wanting to separate and they tried to go to marriage counselling to sort out their lives. I think it works if the separation was a mutual agreement. They were able to communicate with each other properly.
If one parent can't communicate with the other (my ex is a classic example), then I don't think it can work.
Being a teacher, I've seen classic cases of it not working. I've seen the behaviour that has been present in children because of a crappy divorce and custody battle. I've seen the child play off each parent so they don't have to complete their homework. | |
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| Do you think he will get 50% joint custody?
Posted: 3/16/2006 1:30:39 PM | kenzieluv
I hope that you are doing OK right now. It sounds like you've been very strong throughout this entire time. I hope you all the best in the future.
I've actually been advised by my doctor not to sign any agreements until 2 months after the baby is born because of the hormones I've been experiencing. I'm so happy to have had such a great doctor during this whole time. He has been wonderful. | |
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ousu
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Joined: 6/2/2005
Msg: 37 | |
| Do you think he will get 50% joint custody?
Posted: 3/16/2006 2:19:47 PM | Chattinggirl,
I know you have different laws in the US but for example when my ex-husband wanted to have 50% custody my point was it would not work and therefore it won't be the best interest of the child. Shared custody requires co-operation which is based on both-sided trust.
I was supporting father's right to see the child even more often what is the practise here - and later the child and father were seeing one another always when possible. Only difference was that I was the one who signed the papers and decided for more legal things.
Sometimes shared custody just gives an excuse for parents to continue their personal battle against one another and the one who suffers will be again the child.
Further more: if the child needs to live in two different homes it might create problems when s/he grows up and has his/her own friends and circles. Or how about if the one of the parents wants to relocate later for some reason?
Hmmm. maybe I did not get the terms right? Anyway, we decide for three things: where the child lives (I believe in home home system), who is officially the guardian (both if they can co-operate; otherwise the one who can arrange more time, more stable home for the child) and how and how often the meetings will be arranged. | |
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| Do you think he will get 50% joint custody?
Posted: 3/16/2006 3:56:48 PM | | I will tell you this.....Any where in canada if there is no custody agreement and you give that child to its father he has EVERY right to keep it until a judge tells him different. but usually courts give custody to mothers unless proven unfit... But will tell you you need to document everything your "husband" does.. gives you money offers to go to doc visits contributes to getting parpared for baby... Normally will grant joint custody with weekend visits with father but you can state that for the time being he only gets day visits and will progress into weekends when baby gets older....best thing to do and I'm sure I'll get lots of greef for this but......Do everything in your power to BREAST Feed..Breast fed babys can't be away from there mothers for vey long and can't start expressing milk until baby gets older cause it will get nipple confusion.... The longer you nurse it makes it harder for him and you and you baby have a greater bond...Win win situation | |
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| Do you think he will get 50% joint custody?
Posted: 3/18/2006 5:11:28 AM | | chattingirl:I agree with you about a child being draged from home to home. A child needs stability. My son is 16mths now, his father and I have been in court since dec....finaly coming to an end...thank god!! He gets him every second weekend(wich just started) no mid-week visits untill he gets a bit older. We are going to share the decision making. We have been split since my son was about 3mths old. Every time my son goes with his dad its hard, but it is getting easier & the best thing for him. Also it is best to get all the legal stuff out of the way when your kids are young. | |
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| Do you think he will get 50% joint custody?
Posted: 3/18/2006 7:13:41 AM | Chatting....Keep a journal! Times he has promised something, but didn't come through! This will only justify his lack of responsibility....This baby is not even born yet...makes it very easy for him to say he wants to be a good daddy....the proof will be in the pudding after the baby arrives...I am astounded at the fact that he chose when you were pregnant to walk out on you...more so to hear he has not helped you with anything physical after he left...If he was truly concerned about the baby, he would have helped you! Most everyone here has said give him a fair shake..which, I guess you must do....but from what you have posted, I do not see where he has given you any....But...do not let this bother you....Go along as you are, let him continue....and be more than kind with the visitation...trust me...sounds like a power trip to me and once the baby actually gets here, he will have a change of heart for sure...and btw? I like the fact that he doesn't want the baby till after a year old...why is that? Too much work??? Talk is just talk but actions will and do speak louder than words! I wish you much peace and happiness hun...you have had a hard road for sure! | |
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| Do you think he will get 50% joint custody?
Posted: 3/18/2006 8:35:35 AM | | I am almost in the same postion. Good for you, you sound like you are doing everything you possibly can to make sure this works. It looks like he just took off and got freaked out and I wouldnt worry about the custody to much, Do put your name on the birthcertificate as the babys last name and do put the father as UNKNOWN. He hasnt signed on any rights and because he hasnt lived with you for nine months just prior to the baby being born and isnt being supportive at all your probably laughing. | |
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ousu
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Joined: 6/2/2005
Msg: 42 | |
| Do you think he will get 50% joint custody?
Posted: 3/18/2006 12:16:08 PM | Chatting, seems you are getting good advices here :)
I did not read all of them but did somebody also already mention:
list everything he could use against you and get ready to reply to those - with a solution, not with anger if the issues are practical ones.
All the time keep in your mind the best of your child which is also having good relations to the father if possible. A man/woman can be an excellent and loving parent even though was a lousy husband/wife - my ex-husband has been great father and we really disliked one another; I did not see him trustworthy as a partner but very trustworthy as a father. | |
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| Do you think he will get 50% joint custody?
Posted: 3/18/2006 9:02:11 PM | I have a 13 month old daughter and agreed to joint physical custody of her with her father against my better judgement. At the time I made the decision (not in court, prior to court), I was not clear about my own motivations for not being willing to agree to joint physical custody.
I had done a lot of research on it and well, it was next to impossible to find anything relating to a child so young. In the end, I reminded myself that I had put up with the father's shit while I was pregnant because I wanted him to be in her life. My other child's father chose not to be there for his son (he is now 11 and very well-adjusted thankfully).
What you do today will have implications in the future. You need to search your soul and try to decide what your motivation truly is...are you angry with him because he wasn't there for you during your pregnancy and resent him for it and want to punish him? Do you think he will be a father that will abuse his child or otherwise neglect him/her?
Try to imagine how you will explain to your child when your child is old enough to ask the tough questions why you made the choices you did.
I hated my daughter's father with a passion, I do not trust him as far as I could throw him. He treated me like shit. Regardless of how he may have treated me, I can see that he loves his daughter and that she loves him. I pray everyday that he will treat her differently than he did me out of his love for her. He is extremely self-centred, but if anything can change a self-centred person, it is having a child.
I resented him for a long time for his desire to have joint physical custody because I thought it was unfair that he became a father by virtue of sperm donation. I had decided to have the baby (against his firm and often stated objections), I carried her, cared for her while she was inside of me, gave birth to her and provided primary physical custody of her for the first 10 months of her life. It didn't seem to me that he had "earned" the right to be a father simply by virtue of ejaculation.
Today, I realize that in spite of my feelings, when it came right down to it, I couldn't imagine sounding anything but selfish to my daughter when she was old enough to ask the tough questions of me.
A child does need to have both parents, providing both parents love the child and can take care of the child's emotional and physical development.
Good luck and I know how you are feeling and I feel for you. Been there, felt that, but in the end, I am not completely comfortable with the decision that I made. If your ex and you cannot communicate or cooperate with each other, I would not recommend joint-physical for a child that is non-verbal, but do not deny liberal access to your child for his/her father. It is important that your child bond with BOTH parents. If your ex and you do not communicate, then joint-physical will result in a journal of communication between the homes (as I am currently using). It can work, but it still requires co-operation. If you two cannot find a way to co-operate with each other then joint-physical will not work in the best interests of a child under 2. My opinion based on my own personal experience. Good luck. | |
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| Do you think he will get 50% joint custody?
Posted: 3/18/2006 9:34:40 PM | Man oh Man, I could have written what you wrote. If you do consider joint-physical custody, you may have to try and do what I did....don't assume the worst case scenario. My ex and I cannot communicate well. He is immature and childish (he is 40 by the way) and lacks the basics of interpersonal skills but he is HER FATHER. She has a right to have a relationship with him without my interference and to decide for herself when she is old enough to do so.
You cannot protect your child 24/7/365 which is your NATURAL INSTINCT. That is something you are going to have to accept and the sooner the better for your own sanity. If the arrangement of joint physical custody does affect your child, then you can act to protect your child. If your child does get injured due to negligence on his part, then you can take action. It sucks, I know...believe me I know. It goes against our nature to put our child's in any situation where we "feel" there is a risk to them. Unfortunately, the risk at this time is your fear, it is based on how he acted towards you. He hasn't done anything to harm the child.
That being said, in my situation, we send a journal back and forth between the homes that documents her eating/drinking/sleeping/urination and bowel movements. We also exchange back and forth any information about behaviour modification and progress. We also document all injuries that she sustains.
So far, my daughter seems to be adjusting well. She doesn't have stranger anxiety but does have separation anxiety (when separated from me only). She is much happier to see me than she is to see her father.
I used to define a child's needs the same way that you did. I was also concerned about the confusion factor of her having two homes and how well she might adjust. It is a tough situation to be in weighing the advantage of having a relationship with both parents against the possible disadvantage of two completely different sets of rules, expectations, etc... Children do need stability, they do need consistency. Do not assume that you will not be able to provide your child with these things simply because there are two homes. Kids play one parent off the other all the time when they are all living together. That kids get away with it is the problem. You will have years to improve your relationship with your ex before you will have to deal with that. Perhaps after a cooling off period between you, you will find a way to get along out of your mutual love for your child.
What is important to know is whether you and your ex are both child-centred. If you are, then regardless of how rotten your relationship is between you, your child will benefit from joint-physical custody. Don't rush into any decisions re custody....take your time and choose wisely, but do not deny him access until you have a reason to and at this time, you do not have a reason to deny him access to your child.
Children who live through nasty divorce/custody battles are damaged by them. If the parents are ok, the kids are ok too. If you treat your child like a pawn to hurt each other, the child will be hurt. If you treat your child with respect throughout the entire thing and are respectful towards each other in the presence of the child, the child has less chance of becoming messed up.
This is not the ideal way to raise any child....separated from one parent to be with another. It is truly sad that it is so common-place. What happened to family values? | |
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| Do you think he will get 50% joint custody?
Posted: 3/27/2006 1:08:56 PM | So the saga continues. I have told him that he can come by anytime to see his child - he just has to phone ahead to let me know. I think that the birth of his child will do one of two things: 1. He will grow up and become more responsible or 2. He will continue to live his life the way he wants and come and see his child whenever he feels like it. I hope for the sake of his child that he will grow up and become more responsible. I hope that his other priorities in life will be second to his child (although I don't think they will because he's already making plans to do things on weekends in the future and I know he won't be around for his child then).
I let him come to a doctor's appointment. He was very happy to do this. He's mad at me because I won't let him come to the hospital until the baby is born. He wants to be notified when I go into labour, so he can wait it out in the hospital. I don't need the stress of him being there. I'm going to have to deal with enough without his support for me. Labour comes faster when you are relaxed and not under stress.
I agree that it is not the ideal way to raise a child. Like I said before, I wouldn't have been pregnant if I knew he was thinking about leaving me. The way I look at it, is there are many other guys out there who are decent and who want to be a father. I just need to find one who cares for me and my child and then my child gets the best of both worlds: two fathers who love and care for him or her, plus a loving mother. | |
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| Do you think he will get 50% joint custody?
Posted: 4/9/2006 11:33:33 AM | I've seen far too much of this stuff. How a guy can think he's fallen out of love with a woman who's five months pregnant makes me think guys should take a course in what to expect from life when one decides to have a kid. I don't defend the guy - I don't even know the whole situation - but I think more thought should be given to what guys are going through in this world these days. I mean, what guy would really want to be like that? How self-absorbed do you have to been taught to be to 'fall out of love' with your pregnant wife?
It's easy to say that guys are emotionally immature, and just write them off en masse - but the important question is why? What's missing in our culture that I see this kind of thing way too often? Guys are suffering too - even if totally by the fault of their own actions.
That said, taking your story at face value - you're 100% in the right - especially about the baby shower. Sounds like the whole family can't see outside of themselves far enough to see their hand in front of their face. | |
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| Do you think he will get 50% joint custody?
Posted: 4/9/2006 12:33:20 PM | I'm not into this metrosexual crap. How she feels is valid. The kid grows inside the woman, and comes out of her - to equate that with what a guy goes through is bullshit. Many woman are never physically the same after having kids - I can't even begin to assume I could get my head around that one. But I have no doubt the bond is stronger with mom 99% percent of the time, regardless of the sex of the child - hell, she's the first person you ever saw naked, that's for sure.
I mean, you come OUT of your mom - dad just... ok, I won't say it...
You know, I heard that in the Netherlands, when couples separate, the law dictates an automatic 50% custody split. If you don't like it, or there are serious extenuating circumstances (i.e. abuse) THEN it goes to court. I don't know a lot about it, but I would imagine that their family court system is far less clogged up, and that cases are decided much more quickly when they do arise. At least the process STARTS with a reasonable decision on the part of the system - not to mention a message of confidence in the responsibility of its populace. It's not like they chase you around to make sure the kids are split 50 /50 - parents are still free to work things out as they please within this legal environment, as I understand it.
Here in Canada, my brother went through four years of all these self important people getting involved in his family to make their oh-so-officious judgement, and it's pathetic - simply because during the four year process, they had to work it out on their own in a legal vacuum!! All the money that was shelled out along the way by BOTH sides has made me pretty cynical about the people involved, the lawyers and the judges. Meanwhile the kids grow up with this huge negative in their lives they don't fully understand - and would probably be quite happy without.
All my brother ever asked for was shared custody, but his ex fought him tooth and nail. He lived with our parents for the first 18 months (HE left - she was pretty abusive) while he shelled out every extra cent he had to make sure his kids still had a home - $1200.- a month for the mortgage alone, plus many extras each month. Meanwhile she quit her job and sued her former employers (for the second time in her life..). We'd talk about how unfair it was (she hardly let him see the kids during this time), but he didn't care. He just wanted to protect the kids from a big ugly scene, plus he was over the barrel legally because he had left, and that obviously didn't look good these days. He hoped that things would calm down and they could work it out, but he never had thoughts of going back to her - trust me, she was just miserable to him for ten years.
Eventually she took him to court for MORE money, and thankfully the court passed a judgement based on provincial guidelines - $550.- a month. I backed him all the way, but I was thankful when he finally had enough money to get his own place again. The guy was a saint.
She still fought him all the way, and finally gave in at the last moment, after 4 years, and agreed to a 50 / 50 split. In the end, the bloody useless court never even made a decision! A year later, both kids have said they want to live with him full time. I don't have much sympathy for his ex, but they're still her kids too, and she's been devastated, especially by the kids' recent decisions. It's easy to say it's her fault, but I see her as being victimized by the system, too. The system is BROKEN, and people's lives are being badly scarred by it, and even in some cases ruined.
All I can say after my family went through that, is that if you keep the kids needs paramount, you'll make it through, and so will they. At the same time, I'm glad I've never been faced with such a situation directly - I don't have kids - and hope to God I never go through this if I do.
We think we're pretty hot stuff here in Canada, but this is one area where we are failing, utterly and completely. The only people benefitting here are the lawyers, which is just gross.
I really hope it works out for 'chattinggirl' - if one or both parents get vindictive, it's a real mess, and the kid is the innocent victim here, that's for sure. But if your conscience is clear, stick up for yourself, and feel good about it. | |
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| Do you think he will get 50% joint custody?
Posted: 4/18/2006 8:31:30 AM | My life is a soap opera. I had a boy earlier on this month. It was quite the birth story, ending with a C-section. Dad wasn't allowed to come to the hospital until he was born. I phoned dad on the day he was born and he held my son with an anxious and scared expression on his face. My son spent the first 2 days in the nursery in an incubator due to the rough birth. He is healthy and fine now. Since our son was born, dad has come to visit him every day that he can for about 1 hour. He comes when it is convenient for him. He has no clue what it is like to spend hours up late at night. I have taught dad how to bath him and how to change diapers, but since I'm breastfeeding, he can't feed him.
Dad still has his own personal agenda. For instance, the Friday night after my son was born, he had to go to a hockey game that his company was involved in. So instead of staying at the hospital until 8:30pm (when visiting hours end), he left to go to the game at 5:00pm. He didn't return until 3:00pm the next day and then he stayed to visit for 1 hour. Since he left me, dad has put a lot of energy into his job and this means that he is spending more and more time on the road and not at home. For instance, this week, he is away from our son for 7 days straight. I feel sorry for our son.
I just don't know if this is a novelty for dad. I don't know if I can depend on him to be there for our son. At least I know that I will be there for him. My job is great because I know that I will be able to be there for him - no matter what. I don't have to be away from home for my job. I would never put my family in front of my job. | |
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| Do you think he will get 50% joint custody?
Posted: 4/18/2006 8:48:00 AM | | he does have rights but he needs to grow the f#$k up im a single dad and my sons my world i have 50 % joint custody and i pay $ 8oo.00 a month child support see if he likes that i would pay more if she needed it but then it sounds like your ex is only a boy i feel sorry for you and your child | |
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