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 MajMikeW
Joined: 10/9/2004
Msg: 51
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How do you stop loving someone?Page 3 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
Even though we are in different houses, and our divorce is almost final, I have said I still love her. Lately I have noticed she still calls me when she has a problem, or is in need. How do you deal with this? I wrote the following to her (in my journal).

"Every time we talk and you ask for my advice or help, or I hear need or pain in your voice, I want to help or to fix what is wrong. But, each of these times is like a small breath of air brightening the flickering flame that is my dying hope for our relationship. And each time, when I realize that it is not to be, I experience anew the loss of your love, and the agony of the heart over that loss."

I want to move on, but cannot just tell her don't call me. As the mother of my child, her problems can affect my daughter, so depending on the situation it may be something I need to be in on, but it hurts nontheless when we talk as we did when together.

I don't know that I need an answer to this (not sure there is one), just trying to express myself and not keep it bottled inside.

MajMike
 LilMissCantBeWrong
Joined: 2/10/2005
Msg: 52
How do you stop loving someone?
Posted: 2/10/2005 10:00:11 AM
I think it is rare to ever truly stop loving someone. Love comes in many forms, I love people with all my heart in a caring way like my parents, siblings, good friends, and EX'x. Then there is the "in love" kind of love. Love is not a switch that can be turned on and off. Sometimes we have to love someone enough to let them go for the health of the people involved in the relationship. It is kind of like when one forgives someone...it is a hard thing to do, and when you do it, it doesnt mean you enjoyed what they did to you, or now see why they did it, it means you are able to let go of the hate, anger and controlling hold the unforgiving action had created in you. It allows your mind to be at rest and release grudges.
 NewButterfly
Joined: 1/23/2005
Msg: 53
How do you stop loving someone?
Posted: 2/10/2005 2:22:30 PM
Nicely put TRANCE. I feel the exact same way. I've been there and done that. I was in a longterm relationship for 8 years and one day with no warning he went to work and never came home. A week later we finally track him down and he says that everything was too much and the responsibility of a relationship was too hard for him to handle. So I found a place to live and moved out of the home we had bought together. He was the one who could afford to keep the house I could not. And a week after I moved out he moved her and her 13 year old son in. OUCH. I gave myself permission to mourn, I spent a week in mourning and then I picked myself up dusted myself off and stepped back into life. It still hurt but I forgave him and chose to remember the wonderful 8 years that we had. I will be honest and say I have not spoken to him since 1993. But I hold him no animosity. I in fact have to thank him. If he had not left, I would not have met my husband and I would not have the same two wonderful boys I have now.
 sunfire10
Joined: 1/13/2005
Msg: 54
How do you stop loving someone?
Posted: 2/10/2005 2:45:32 PM
whoa- buddy- that is so difficult, but why do you want to stop loving someone- you can love someone keeping them in your heart always and not be with them- many people reading this have sat back laughing saying no way- i love my ex-wife still very much. we were married almost 7 years - i screwed around i got caught i fessed up and finally i lost everything.
you can love someone and not be sexually intimate with them- to stop loving a person does not need to happen- to find out what makes yourself happy with yourself is truly necessary- you can move on re-marry and have a new life and still have your heart with someone else- but you need to know why that marriage did not work out and keep those things in the very foremost part of your mind- should you decide that no- keeping that person in my mind and my past mistakes alive are not what i need then you may be closing the door to yourself finding happiness and peace with someone that may come along and want to share your life forever- from each failed relationship dont be sad that it ended- be happy that it happened and realize what in each relationship made you feel alive and happy- key to everything- look out for number one- YOU.
cheers and good luck
 wespauley
Joined: 1/30/2005
Msg: 55
How do you stop loving someone?
Posted: 2/13/2005 4:21:53 AM
I do not understand what happens to love. I don't think you ever stop loving somebody, at least if it's true love. I know I have killed several women's love for me, but I hope I have matured enough to keep my mouth shut next time around, if there ever is a next time.
 wespauley
Joined: 1/30/2005
Msg: 56
How do you stop loving someone?
Posted: 2/13/2005 4:42:25 AM
Nice dogs, lablover. My ex has about 7 of those. Too bad you all can't get together, but she's kind of cold.
 BooBookittyfuck
Joined: 2/11/2005
Msg: 57
How do you stop loving someone?
Posted: 2/13/2005 8:35:30 PM
Simple, you don't. If love someone, you never stop loving them. And if you do stop loving them, you never loved them in the first place.
 MysteryMe
Joined: 8/22/2003
Msg: 58
How do you stop loving someone?
Posted: 2/14/2005 12:29:04 AM
gadammit, what a sad story, im so sorry!
women can be such b*tches these days,lol.
im 23 and thats what i worry about every time i meet a guy,
if in 10/20 years they'll just...stop loving me.
because it happens so much.
i wish i had advice, but this world sux!god!
happy vday!!!take care!
 MysteryMe
Joined: 8/22/2003
Msg: 59
How do you stop loving someone?
Posted: 2/14/2005 12:32:08 AM
*i think its the type of person, that has already so many ppl loving them, family and friends, and best friends,....that when someone else comes in their life and treats them good, they really dont see the goodness cause their so used to it already.
meanwhile ppl like me who dont have anyone, find it so hard to find love~

hope i made sence,lol, ciao~
 IkeepUhot
Joined: 12/22/2004
Msg: 60
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How do you stop loving someone?
Posted: 2/14/2005 1:59:41 AM
MajMike
You may not like to hear this but I also was married 15 years ,plus 2 of dating. It's been since June 1999 and still I miss her. Not nearly as bad, and have had 2 girl friends ,one for almost 3years. We just broke up too,well I with her, and even that hurts. I did a lot of writing to myself. That you mentioned it you must be also. I have 2 children, but they were older than yours. I think you are doing the right thing just sharing it, which I did not. First time for me right now. And it seems to be agreed, if you really loved her you always will. The pain and the anger goes away (hopefully) . There will be another tough spot you have to deal with that you have not been prepaired for . Her next partner, will cut deep. After that hump moving on will happen and maybe before , just know it's gona be there. Hang in there (really hard to hit this post key)
 Pepper18
Joined: 2/10/2005
Msg: 61
How do you stop loving someone?
Posted: 2/16/2005 1:16:44 PM
Mike:

I am dealing with the loss of "the love of my life" now and finding it extremely difficult to get through. I truly wish that I had the answer for both you and for me; but, I don't.

All we can do is keep going and keep trying and trust that we can find some degree of happiness and peace of mind again. It has to be out there for both of us! I have to believe that a loving God would not allow this to happen to either of us without a good reason.

I am older than you and retired; but, my loss is no less disparaging to me than yours is to you. It has devastated my life and makes each day hard to get through. Just like you, I will survive and somehow, make it through this.

Sometimes it makes me quite angry that there is no answer out there that makes me feel any better! You must feel the same frustration and torment that I do because of it and I can feel your pain.

What's say we both just "hang in there" and try our best to get through it!
 MajMikeW
Joined: 10/9/2004
Msg: 62
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How do you stop loving someone?
Posted: 2/28/2005 11:25:05 AM
A few weeks ago I found out my ex is getting friendly with a supposed 'friend', I don't think they have been intimate, but I know they have gone past being friends (this started while we were married).

When I confronted her about this, she first denied it, but having been together for so long I knew she was lying. When she realized I wasn't buying it she had the nerve to say to me "why do you care?"

I reminded her that the divorce was her idea and that as I have told her many times I still love her.

I understand that both of us (hopefully) will move on to other relationships, the thing that hurt the most was the lying. They had been 'friends' for a long time, he was her mentor in her new career, and I believe that it was platonic until recently. But, he dared to come into our house and pretend to be my friend as well, and that's just d*mn sorry.

After I had a chat with him (with my hand around his throat), it seems they talked and he thought their relationship was moving faster than she did (as I warned her, she gives guys too much credit). She no longer works with him, and it seems that their relationship has died down (to my knowledge).

If she had been upfront about it, I still would have been hurt, but at least we could have avoided the confrontation part. It became clear to me that she has 'moved on' at least psychologically, and that realization put me in a blue funk for a month. I am just glad I managed not to really hurt sh*thead [I am not proud of my loss of control in confronting him, and am not trying to justify it].

To me, the failure of my marriage has been a terrible loss to take. But I arrived at the date of the divorce having honored my committment to her and my vows to God. In the 17+ years since I asked her to marry me I have not so much as kissed another woman. This honor is a gift I can give to a future love, the knowledge that her husband is a faithful man.

The cold, hard, shameful truth of the matter is that I still love her. I have no self-respect left, love has humbled me more than any other force on Earth. I cannot stop loving her and most of me does not want to, but how do I cross that line where I can be comfortable being with another woman? I have been on a few 1st dates, but feel like I am 'cheating' on my ex. I guess 17+ years of habit is hard to break.

MajMike
 loneandy
Joined: 12/18/2004
Msg: 63
How do you stop loving someone?
Posted: 2/28/2005 7:08:34 PM
Don't know, really don't know still in love with my ex-wife on some level and we have been divorced for 15 and half years, and a new relationship just ended here this past weekend which has me confused and crying all the tiem yes a man can cry over a woman. God I love Lori and need her back.
 scottd65
Joined: 10/2/2004
Msg: 64
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How do you stop loving someone?
Posted: 3/2/2005 9:56:18 AM
How come all the hot women are in Canada?
 scottd65
Joined: 10/2/2004
Msg: 65
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How do you stop loving someone?
Posted: 3/2/2005 10:00:19 AM
My woman and I broke up last May. I am still very much in love with her, and I guess I always will be. She haunts my dreams. So I know how you feel buddy.
 GeorgieLeopard
Joined: 8/31/2004
Msg: 66
How do you stop loving someone?
Posted: 3/2/2005 2:47:24 PM
You don't. But if you love them enough, you let them go with love.
  Agent 777
Joined: 2/22/2005
Msg: 67
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How do you stop loving someone?
Posted: 3/2/2005 2:51:32 PM
Hey Mike, First of all.....thank you for sacrificing for me and this country........I totally know where you are coming from.........I was a sig. away from the marines, I lost my best friend when i was 17, it feels like yesterday,somethings you never seem to get over.......I used to get migraines everyday and could not leave the bed......just laid there to think about what i had lost........MY girlfriend of 7 yrs., my car, my apartment....even some of my friends......due to back to back car accidents in one year.........I prayed..please god ..no more......doctors gave up on me......just would prescribe more meds which would make me sick.........then finally a doctor found out I had a torn shoulder muscle......which finally received proper attention........one whole year of constant migraines,horrible.....hang in there
pray and push yourself through this pain.........I would try to stand 5 min a day then 15 then up from there finally to stand a whole day with the migraine.......as you know there are different degrees of it.......sometimes you just want to end the pain and suffering,I KNOW...

I was so alone at times.....I thought no one cares...... but God will.........when I was alone,I would read the bible a little every day when the migraine wasn't too intense and I started to see all the reasons to push on and live....don't ever let one person have that much control or influence in your life.......The pain is great but we were made stronger......IT really
feels like a battle..My Wife left me after 7 yrs...The relationship was very good but she decided she was leaving with or without me...to be with her family in Idaho.....what??? sooo i let her go and I am alot happier now but at the time....My heart hurt like hell,I couldn't breathe right....couldn't eat....but I knew if she could leave me...Her heart was not with me........we never know why people do what they do........its good to see when you are dating....if you both give and share and care pretty much the same and respect for one another.........alot of people think if it works...it works....if not....I quit.....I'm not a quiter
and I don't think you are either.......don't ever let life or people harden you.......true love never surrenders and never dies...........so if she must leave,let her go.......life goes on with or without us in the picture........theres not a day that goes by I don't think about my best friend...........I wish I could have said something but I didn't...........He had his whole life ahead of him..........He killed himself over a girl........I promised myself to always check myself
so I didn't get into the same thing........always be sure of what you are investing your future in........to use an analogy.......Ifs its a great stock or bond........pour your whole lot
into it.....the returns are endless but if a stock turns bad,we must be able to recognize it and reevaluate,try to fix the problem, if not pick a different stock that returns what we put in it......make sense..................................I know....there is alot
of people who think you are a hero.....including your daughter..me too...don't let this one person make you quit...............hang in there and my prayers are with you and your family...take care........Dean
 Steviegirl
Joined: 1/17/2005
Msg: 68
I agree with
Posted: 3/2/2005 3:34:25 PM
mysteryme

It seems really true, when someone doesn't need extra love they get it & don't appreciate it.
But when someone does need it badly- it's not to be found & kept so easily.

So should us girls who do need it more, lie & pretend we're not needy. Should we just try & say that people who hurt us, didn't really?
What a wierd world we live in.
I guess it's the same with money as it is with love, often the more you have the more you get.
Those who really need it, just get left aside!
 BillStewart
Joined: 2/28/2005
Msg: 69
How do you stop loving someone?
Posted: 3/2/2005 3:56:55 PM
Hey Mike:

To a lot of women those words that they repeat during the marriage ceremony "For better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in heath, till death do us part", it means absolutely nothing. My wife left me after we discovered together that she was unable to have children after more than a year of trying. I didnt obsess about it but she couldnt stand the community pressure ect that was all around when the question would be asked "when are you going to give him some babies?" Not only did she leave me but she left me for a woman.



Bill
 foxefire
Joined: 2/23/2005
Msg: 70
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How do you stop loving someone?
Posted: 3/2/2005 5:00:43 PM
If you love something set it free....if it comes back to you it was yours....if it doesn't it never was.
From acceptance to forgiveness, divorce is a process of letting go. This means letting go of the pain, allowing life to move on and, ultimately, helping yourself heal. For some people it happens in the first year after divorce; for others it takes longer. Whether you fall into the first group or the second, the moment you allow change to happen, is the moment your life will start to become yours again.
It's human nature to find comfort in things that remain the same. This is true for jobs, friendships, marriages and so on. But why do we resist change? We resist out of the fear that if we let go of what we know, we will be faced with circumstances we can't handle. Our resistance is a natural protective mechanism, a shield that we unconsciously put up to guard ourselves against pain. But in the end, resistance doesn't protect us as much as it robs us of our right to heal, especially in the case of divorce.
When you're in the midst of change, life can be scary. You won't know exactly where your new life is headed. It's an uncomfortable position -- a time when doubts are sure to arise: Where will I end up? Who will I meet along the way? Will I be better off than I was before? Will my pain ever end? But you won't feel so lost and confused if you focus on your progress.
Think of it like this. One day you set off to sail from the land you knew to a small, distant island. For a few hours, whenever you look back, you are unable to see the land you had left behind. But the further you sail, the smaller your homeland became until it finally faded into the distant ocean. Now you can no longer see the place you had left behind, and the island you are traveling to was still out of sight. Feeling lost, you look into the water for direction. When you look into the water, you know the boat is moving and you're making your way. The same thing holds true for your recovery. Just look back on how far you've come since the day you and your partner separated. You're making progress every day, whether you realize it or not.
But no, real love, true love, feel it deep down inside your bones, can't eat, can't sleep, love , never dies! They say time heals all wounds. This is true. But it still leaves a scar. I hope this helps. Good luck!
 kimball
Joined: 3/1/2005
Msg: 71
How do you stop loving someone?
Posted: 3/2/2005 5:08:23 PM
It's so tough to feel things deeply,and the problem is that when we are in the thick of things its almost impossible to see how commited we have become. most of us find out after the fact how deeply we feel. At least thats what happens to me. I feel like I've I have been taught a bunch of stuff that just is not fair or right for me. James Bond movies taught me real men don'tcare one way or the other about lovers,television taught me both to be a good person and ten minutes later that I'm a fool if I trust love.It's even worse for women. It's no wonder we're all so confused.As far as getting over love though, I find that if I really take some time to look at the object of my desire and examine my own hopes and dreams I remember that in the end it is my responsibility to to selfishly amuse myself. majmike It seems like you have your work cut out for you,and thats a good thing. you have a daughter and there is your ace in the hole. after all we need unconditional love in order to heal. It sure sounds like healing yourself should be your number one priority.In the meantime you seem to have the right idea going on line to look for someone or somthing to fill the hole in your heart.Remember, now you may have to be selfish in order to survive.give up you preconcieved notions of who you are and there will be more room in head to decide what you prefer to be,and then just hang on for dear life.And also remember you are in good company, we all have our own double cross to bear.Soon you may even become bored with your own sorrow. kimball
 samhonolulu
Joined: 12/24/2004
Msg: 72
How do you stop loving someone?
Posted: 3/2/2005 11:30:15 PM
Glad to hear you're feeling better Mike.
Stay strong. Congratulations about your daughter.
from another shattered one...
Sam

not to make light of it... but, count your blessings, you have many: and a little light goes farther than a lot of darkness
 charmingandsweet
Joined: 11/10/2004
Msg: 73
How do you stop loving someone?
Posted: 3/3/2005 2:26:08 AM
Hello there Mike:

Well I would not know what it is like to live through a divorce or war but I am going to comment on how hard it is to let go of someone we love very much! I am currently experiencing this myself and at times it does really hurt but now that we have gone our separate ways, I will always love him no matter what because to me there were many great memories created too and these are what I will remember for as long as I should walk our Mother Earth! If there is a child involved I would say for as long as you love that child you will also love the other too because this precious daughter of yours is carrying both of your genes! I am not sure if that were me if I could ever stop loving someone who is the other parent. Because than I would have to see it from a different view! But than again some people can do just that stop loving the other someone and only love their child or children. As back to focusing on me, I will have difficulty and for me to stop loving someone would have to be good reasoning! Because I do not know if that day will be where I will no longer love him! I do know though that I have to carry on with my own life! And take this as a learning experience for me!
 HWNdelight
Joined: 2/16/2005
Msg: 74
How do you stop loving someone?
Posted: 3/3/2005 4:05:32 AM
You know what MajMike sir, i am kind of going through the same thing, well im only 18 right now but up until this past december, i was the happiest person alive, see i had a girlfriend that i had asked to marry me in November. I went out with her since my sophmore year in HS that was 3 1/2 years, that may not seem like a long time compared to 17 years, but she moved to another city about a year into our relationship, i did everything i could do for her, we were sooo perfect together. we got along tremendously, i gave her all the love in the world, i welcomed her into my home all the time, everything,everything,everything. THen in one day the whole world just crumbled down on me when she said we needed to go our separate ways. I was devastated. And to this day, i still think about what had went wrong, but even though i still think about her 24/7, hey brother, life goes on, im stuck in a emotional bind right now because now i know that, Im leaving for the Marine Corps in July and im not going to have anyone to come home to. Everywhere i look, i see happy couples and it kills me. But you know what brother, maybe from now on we are doomed to wonder the planet alone, but you know what, we are going to walk this planet alone together. Just keep remembering that you do have a lot of people who love you, even if you cant think of any, you do. so hey bud, keep on keepin on and remember, you served this country proudly, and for that you are a hero in my book. Semper Fidelis sir.
 honeyhazeatcoxdotnet
Joined: 1/23/2005
Msg: 75
How do you stop loving someone?
Posted: 3/3/2005 12:37:23 PM
d*mn dude. I feel for you. I have bad news and good news.

The bad news is that no matter what type of person she is or has become being together that long forms a strange "bond" that is VERY hard to break. No matter how poorly she treats you that bond can make you submit to her like a dog.
The reason why she is not subject to the same thing from your side is because she never loved you. NEVER. Believe it now or suffer unneccessarily. There are a million reasons why people marry even though they don't love the other and that's what happened to you. Maybe she thought she would grow to love you, maybe she thought a child might make her love you...it doesn't matter. What matters is that you formed a love bond with her, but she didn't form one with you and now she can drag you around like a dog on a leash because of it. You didn't do anything wrong. It's good to form bonds and you shouldn't stop trying, but now you need to learn how to break them too.

The good news is that I know the secret to breaking bonds of love. I've never had to break one as strong as yours probably is, but the principal should be the same. The secret is MAKING LOVE...A LOT. Now you might be thinking "How superficial! This guy doesn't even know what love is to suggest that sex can fix what I feel." If you believe that then you are going to be suffering unneccessarily for a very long time. I'm not talking about angry/vengeful sex, I'm talking about sharing physical love with other women who you may or may not already love emotionally. It's fine if you do love them emotionally, but it's not necessary for the purpose of breaking bonds. What IS neccessary is that you make sweet love very OFTEN. For a heartbreak like yours I'm guesstimating once or twice a day for 2-3 months. You might need multiple partners too (thought not neccessarily at the same time). It might seem like you can never love another woman like your ex-wife. That might be true, but ignore the emotional aspect and start logging hours in bed with other women. Think of it like a job, but don't be bitter with them. Be tender and sweet. You'll turn into a monster if you just start having revenge sex and you probably won't find happiness again that way.
How can you get so much sex? Well, we don't live in a perfect world so the easiest way is to move to a foreign country where the dollar is strong. Thailand and Brazil are popular spots.
Rent an apartment after you get there and consider it a well deserved vacation. You might decide to stay there too if you find a new love. It would mean not seeing your daughter, but I never promised you that there wouldn't be scars. Life is hard.
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