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| So you want a second chance? Stuff
Posted: 5/29/2006 8:15:40 AM | Thank you Jar for your insight. He admitted when we talked Fri night that he is "scared" and afraid if "failing". When we talked yesterday (he's visiting family over the holiday weekend) he suggested slowing it down and seemed relieved that I suggested it as well. He also mentioned that he felt it was good for him to be away this week to have time to think and put his emotions in order. Is there some credibility in that?
As the conversation drew to a close, he volunteered calling me again this week and called me by his endearing name for me. I just wonder if things move slower if he can come to terms with how he feels. I acknowledge that I have been running the show and the speed with which this has moved. I just wonder if he has felt that loss of control with no say in how fast things are progressing? I am willing to back off to see where this goes.
I'll keep you posted and will follow your guide, even though I have never been one to sit back; I tend to go after what I want! | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/29/2006 8:53:21 AM | | You're exactly right! If a person doesn't take the required time to heal themselves before moving on to the next "interest" it only ever spells disaster. 2 years ago I met someone on the internet and fell in love..I thought he had too..well he was in love..still..with his ex girlfriend..who by the way had cheated on him with a married man while they were together..when he found out he broke up with her..when we met..it was only weeks after that happend. He told me he was over her - and after some months of dating we talked future together, YET further down the road I found out they had been meeting, calling, text messaging etc....I WAS crushed...and went through all the feelings one goes through when their heart is broken...HOWEVER...life is what you make it! And the one thing I came away with is that time is presious and to waste it on people that can't decide truth from fiction, who are mentally confused about what they want or think they want aren't the kind of people I choose to be around. Second chances only work when both sides commit to the ONE relationship...everyone makes mistakes...and forgivness is a great thing....depending on the "mistake"! If you go back and are treated the same then you deserve what you get...People really do treat you the way you allow them to. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/29/2006 11:36:01 AM | | I'm still having trouble with the first part, though I have most of the rest down. I am mostly over her, and at times I feel almost completley over her. But I still miss my ex. I want to try dating again, at least for a time. While I would like a second chance with her, I am not expecting it in the near future, maybe far in the future, but not soon. However, whenever I see her name or picture, or anything having to do with her, I miss her so terribly, and want to speak to her so bad. Any advice on how to get past this last bit, and maybe stop missing her so bad? | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/29/2006 8:14:19 PM |
I'm still having trouble with the first part, though I have most of the rest down. I am mostly over her, and at times I feel almost completley over her. But I still miss my ex. I want to try dating again, at least for a time. While I would like a second chance with her, I am not expecting it in the near future, maybe far in the future, but not soon. However, whenever I see her name or picture, or anything having to do with her, I miss her so terribly, and want to speak to her so bad. Any advice on how to get past this last bit, and maybe stop missing her so bad?
Yes.
Reconnect with friends, indulge in a new hobby, set some goals, go to the gym, etc. STAY BUSY. Any idle or downtime will have you drift into thoughts of your Ex which are unproductive at best and only serve to keep you down.
There is no "magic pill" to get over them but time and a busy, single life. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/2/2006 5:44:44 PM | My Husband and I broke up after 3and 1/2 years of marriage. I found him around the corner with his arms around my sons girlfriend.I did not argue with him, but slept on the couch that Night. Two days later after not talking to each other he came home from work (late) and said he filed for a Divorce, He moved out after about a week, did not contact me, I tried to talk to him but he was having none of it.He didn't want to talk, Then he began to call me and yell and sream at me about signing his divorce papers which I wasen't doing, out of revenge. Because I was hurt.I quit talking to him at all, I didn't answer the phone when he would call, Then after 4 months of silence He showed up at my house and wanted to know if I wanted this Divorce or not.I told him I was never the one that wanted it in the first place, He wanted to talk it over and after a week and a half he wanted to know what I had decided. He still wants his Divorce but he wants to take me out once a week usually on a Saturday night for a couple of hours then he drops me off and goes home. He tells me he loves me but that we can't live together. Whats up with this guy? I like to say that I could forgive him but he couldn't forgive himself. Non the less your advice has made me relize that this relationship was never ment to be. he is self centered. Thanks for all the good advise. I am going to go out and buy some of the books you mentioned. again thanks..Puffthemagicdragon  | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/2/2006 6:03:37 PM | Waaaay more info. than anyone needs, NEGATIVE second chance, never works, they only comeback because you have something they want.
Save youself the trouble of going through the bs again. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/2/2006 7:10:01 PM | Jarb....I have to tell you you're awesome and I love reading your posts. Thanks for this one...really great advice! I have saved it for future reference and to share with friends and family.
All the best,
TJ | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/2/2006 7:51:46 PM | Jarb,
I have to say, this is some of the best advice that I could ever get! I'm in the middle of getting over my ex of over 2 years, and I have good days and I have bad days. Reading what you had written has helped me immensely!
You need to be given an award or something because what you wrote was magic.
Thank You!
pier1girl | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/5/2006 2:05:31 PM | Jarb:
Well the guy I was seeing contacted me by txt asking how I was doing and to please call him. I called, it was a good conversation and I didn't ask any personal questions, just how his holiday week was, family etc. I didn't say that I missed him and didn't press him about when we might get together, but did CASUALLY say to give me a call if he wants to get together. The conversation ended on a great note, but nothing being scheduled. In the past, I had pressed him on when, where, etc. I wanted to make him aware I was still interested but was very casual about it, like "friends" might be. I don't plan on calling, txting or anything (I hadn't and he had contacted me, even though the urge was OVERWHELMIG).
Do you think I've handled this correctly? He had wanted the week to think through things and I sensed during our conversation (I kept things very light, Didn't ask about where things were with us or anything related to a "relationship") that he was trying to get a feel from me where I stood. I told him, in a very upbeat way, I had done a great deal of thinking while he was away when he asked how my week was.
Your thoughts? | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/5/2006 10:24:26 PM |
Well the guy I was seeing contacted me by txt asking how I was doing and to please call him. I called, it was a good conversation and I didn't ask any personal questions, just how his holiday week was, family etc. I didn't say that I missed him and didn't press him about when we might get together, but did CASUALLY say to give me a call if he wants to get together. The conversation ended on a great note, but nothing being scheduled. In the past, I had pressed him on when, where, etc. I wanted to make him aware I was still interested but was very casual about it, like "friends" might be. I don't plan on calling, txting or anything (I hadn't and he had contacted me, even though the urge was OVERWHELMIG).
Do you think I've handled this correctly? He had wanted the week to think through things and I sensed during our conversation (I kept things very light, Didn't ask about where things were with us or anything related to a "relationship") that he was trying to get a feel from me where I stood. I told him, in a very upbeat way, I had done a great deal of thinking while he was away when he asked how my week was.
Your thoughts?
Lay low, let him contact you. Think "no pressure." Just continue to be fun and happy. Don't ever let them see you down. Think about it. When was the last time you saw someone in ruins over you and you felt an instant attraction?
Answer: Never.
Nobody wants to be with someone who is unhappy, lacks confident, is down on themselves, etc. So continue to work on yourself. Make yourself happy. Do whatever you have to do to get yourself in the frame of mind where you are happy being single. It's always then that someone will want to get in on the fun.
And when you do, strive to maintain that happiness and independence. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/6/2006 4:10:15 AM | My ex and I broke up for the second time in December 2005 and it was not a good breakup. I guess you would say this would be a "third" chance, but I want to reconcile. The breakup was very hurtful, as we both said very hurtful things to one another. We recently started communicating as a result of a conversation he had with a family member of mine. In this conversation he commented on how fond he was of me and how he wished me well and missed me. Since December, we've haven't talked. He attempted to contact me by phone once (I didn't answer the call) and emailed me once (I didn't respond). However, the recent conversation he had with my family member prompted me to call. In talking to him, we both apologized for the argument we had in December. He also disclosed that he has a girlfried, which has devestated me. This person is apparently someone he has known for five years (I had been with him for 2 years and he had another girlfriend prior to me for 2 years). He seems to be very serious about her and spends a lot of time with her.
In recent weeks (we've been talking several times a week initiated mostly by me) we've had lunch together several times, have talked on the phone until wee hours of the morning and have had a sexual encounter. We both agree that our sex life is and has always been out of this world, but I want more than that. I want what I use to have.
Is there a chance we can ever get back together? When we talk about what went wrong, he's reply is that we need time to heal and to learn to trust each other again. He constantly makes reference and compares our situation to Big and Carrie on Sex in the City. This makes me hopeful. Should I be hopeful especially when he is involve with someone else? Is this someone else a rebound relationship? If it is a rebound relationship, how should I play my cards right?
I plan to follow your steps for a second chance plan, but I honestly want to know do you think this applies to a third chance and have I ruined the chance of reconiliation since we've be back in touch?
I really love him and always have? HELP!!! | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/6/2006 6:08:49 AM | Let me get this straight...
You "love him" , and you've broken up with him twice.
You know he has a girlfriend, and you still slept with him. He is with someone, cheated on her (with your assistance), and you actually still are considering entering into a third round with this guy ?
"He seems to be very serious about her and spends a lot of time with her."
Nice to know that he's that serious, I'd hate to see what would happen if he had even more "free" time.
So, if I understand you correctly, you accept infidelity as long as it's to your benefit.
To each his own, but if he did it with you - he will do it to you. All it will take is time, and the right opportunity, and you will be the one crying about how he hurt you by being unfaithful.
You judge someone by their actions, and integrity.
This guy has none. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/6/2006 7:25:47 AM | I hear what you are saying and I do agree. But I also know that this guy is a good guy and that I we hurt each other badly. I know what we did was wrong. Do you think it's possible that we care about each other and that is why it happen? I know that it was wrong and I do feel horrible about and so does he. I know this maybe hard to believe, but I don't accept infidelity.
We broke up twice due to the strain of his financial situation (he's an appraiser and business was bad).
I do love him and the reason for our breakup was senseless. We said a lot of things in the end, including that it would be best to move on.
He really is a kind, sweet guy, who I said and did a lot of hurtful things to? | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/6/2006 9:29:55 AM | lrharris, Montreal Guy is 100% correct in this situation. If he cheated WITH you, he will cheat ON you. It's only a matter of time.
Additionally by you sleeping with him you've shown him that you do not respect yourself or the fact that he is in another relationship. It's my guess he has lost respect for you as well.
The best thing you can do is follow the guide that I have written. Nowhere in the guide does is say sleeping with your ex, especially if they are dating someone else, is a tool to try and get them back. On the contrary I believe doing so will only serve to destroy any chance at a reconcilliation.
I believe in second chances. That said:
Once is a coincidence
Twice is charm
Three is a TREND
Please follow the guide and distance yourself from this guy. You really do need to work on making yourself happy single. Focus on yourself, improving everywhere you can so that even if a third chance doesn't work out you will be much better equipped to have a successful relationship with someone who is a much better fit.
There are no perfect people. There is no "perfect" mate. There are different people who are BETTER fits than others. This man is obviously not a good fit for you. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/7/2006 5:15:06 PM | My situation is almost the same as this persons.I'm going to save you the trouble and just explain my situation maybe you can shed some more light on it.I was friends with my ex for all thru highschool.He was dating this girl pretty much most of that time so i just left him alone and did not explain my feelings towards him.He had been with her for 4 years got engaged and then broke up.
He went for 3 years without a girlfriend until me.We hooked up actually last year on boxing day I had been a bit tipsy and just broke up with my cheating boyfriend.Suffice it to say a few days later we started going out because his mother brought it up thinking we already were so he asked me.We were fine for 2 months i got along with his friends and he was friends with most of mine already.When he was at work he would call me a few times during the day when he was free to chat.Well that day I called him left a message he never called back.I called later on that night and a girl answered (he doesnt cheat it was his friends girlfriend).She asked me if I got my things that he apparently left out front of my house.We stayed broken up for about 2 weeks before we got back together.Again 2 months went by and he did the same thing to me.We stayed broken up for 2 months and then again got back together for about a week.Breaking up because I had some issues this time.
Time went by and we just saw each other casually for a few months and I got pregnant which was a big step and I really wanted to try and work things out.In the end i had an abortion.But we were still close until he went to Australia in february.He was there for 2 months when we started talking again.He knew I had gotten back with an ex at this point.But told me that he missed me and that he really loves me still and screwed up really badly he was just really scared of being hurt again.I broke up with my boyfriend and waited for a bit then got back together yet again.We dated for a month but it was streinuous because it was my first long distance relationship and again it failed.I dont know what I should do?
I really have no choice but to do my own thing for now get out and have some fun it is summer.I know what most people say the summer means a guy wants to be single and mess around.But he isnt like that.He says he isnt going to date until he finds the right girl but he also had told a mutual friend that asked him what was going on if we were ever going to get back together.My Ex's reply was that right now nothing is going on and he doesnt know if anything will,and here I was being told this whole time that he loves me so much and I have no idea how much.What do I do??
God its going to take Dr Phil or a miracle to get this one straight but any help you can give me would be better then what Im going on. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/7/2006 6:46:15 PM | Do you think it's possible that we care about each other and that is why it happen? I know that it was wrong and I do feel horrible about and so does he. I know this maybe hard to believe, but I don't accept infidelity.
That sounds more like an excuse, than a reason. You do in fact accept infidelity, because you helped someone commit exactly that - and want to be in a relationship with him.
There are two types of people in this world. People who cheat, and people who do not.
That can be evidenced by the fact that ( I believe) a great number of people never have and never will cheat on the person they love - even if given the chance.They may fall in love with someone else, and leave the person they are with at the moment, but that's not cheating.
Those that do, most times, will do so again - when the chance is given to them.
It's very much the same mentality that I suggested earlier regarding the law. Are you a law abiding person because you believe in the moral validity of that philosophy - or because you are scared of being caught by the police ?
I think that most people would not suddenly become criminals, if all police forces were to vanish. Some no doubt would, but the majority would not.
It's about character... | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/7/2006 7:47:55 PM | harris ! harris !
What is it that you do not understand about what montreal Guy and Jarbarian are saying to you !!!
You cannot make this "infidelity scenario" works for you but not against you !!! I do not get it that there is still "girls"..to think...but he will be different with me...he looooooves me...he doesn't love her.....he is happy with me..not with her....blablabla...
Don't you think he said all the nice stuff to his to his current girlfriend before...and still..he did this to her..with you !!! What will stop him from doing worst to you..when the "flame" is gone ??? It will be...next please !!! 99 % guaranted !! not convinced ??read any psychology or social behavior book on it !! | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/9/2006 8:57:18 AM | Sexbomb (a more conservative handle would be a start, lol) unfortunately when the relationship starts and is based on sex, rarely does it last.
Why is that?
Well for one thing, sex CONFUSES the heart. One person may associate sex with love while the other associates it with personal gratification. It's personal to them, not something they're really sharing a part of the heart and soul with. Without preaching this is why God tells us to refrain from sexual relations with someone until we're married. I understand that's never going to stop but at least you have an understanding of why.
Dr. Dobson has a great saying in regards to relationships:
"Never let your relationship start out on fire because it will surely flame out....."
In other words, think "slow and steady wins the race."
My advice is to let this guy go. If he truly loves you he will come back. But do follow the guide as best you can. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/9/2006 9:08:22 AM | I wish I knew this before my ex and I tried to get back together we where devoriced for three years, he never though about forgetting, kept talking about comparing me to other women that he had been invold with including his last ex-wife. 2rd class is right! | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/9/2006 12:48:38 PM | Wow.This is good advice I had to follow myself last month. I had a relationship for about 8 months.We broke up...blah blah blah and then tried the "friend" thing for a few months because she still liked me and liked hanging out with me but did not want a relationship (can you say intamacy issues?).I told her I can't do it anymore because its just strange for me and my emotions are still involved.She really wanted me to keep calling her..etc.
After telling her I could not handle it anymore I did what you said.One week I just stopped ALL contact with her. No emails,text,phone calls,talking to her friends etc.It's only been a month and already she has called 2 times,textd me,her friend emails me to see how I am doing out of the blue. I have not initiated anything since breaking contact. I picked her phone call up once and kept it REALLy short. I am still going another month or 2 with no contact just to get my head straight and go from there. The main thing I am getting from what Jar says is to get yourself together before trying anything. I don't hate her but a part of me needs to stop waiting/hanging around for her.There is good and bad days but the bad days get less and less as time goes on . She is a nice woman but now since I broke contact I feel like I am waking up from being in the Matrix or something.No stress and I can be me again.I think a little part of us has to be built up again before someone else will like us again or even if you are thinking about giving an ex a second chance.
Thanks Jar | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/9/2006 4:42:14 PM | l8dbakk, I'm glad the guide is helping you. It'll be hard to stick to it but if you are determined to work on yourself, rebuilding your confidence and self-esteem as well as improving wherever you can, even if a second chance doesn't work out you will be so much better off for someone else.
Someone BETTER for you. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/9/2006 4:54:01 PM | | I have heard all of what you have said before. It's still great advice! You hit the nail on the head with your advice. I just wish I had behaved better near the end of my relationship towards her. I look back and realize that I am a work in progress. My mistakes with my ex have scarred me. I truly do love this woman her faults and imperfections. I hope that maybe one day it might happen that she will come back into my life. But I must accept the reality that she has moved on with someone else. I will spend my time working on myself and staying on Plenty of Fish. Hopefully I will find a women that is for me. Thanks for posting your guidelines. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/9/2006 5:43:37 PM | Great advice jarbarian
sounds like you've been through a few rodeo's in your life too!
I can/will attest to your logic in gaining back an ex with your methods/philosophy because I used the exact same methodologies as described here by you approx. 3 yrs ago & gained back the woman I was madly in love with (at that time!) lol
the problem was though, once we were back together after an 8 month break up, and then took it to the next level, and married a few months into it-- it lasted only a short span of another 2 yrs...
It's like "be careful what you wish for- cuz you may just get it" and when you do, it may end up being something that you wish you never got (or got back)!
I have since learned many valuable lessons in/of the experience, and I am one who's now able to almost instantaneously recover from break ups/heart breaks being that as you age & as you experience more of them in life, it just seems to be that way & that you are able to heal yourself faster with less effects being felt from them too! It also GREATLY helps using the methods you listed above! | |
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