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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/13/2006 1:21:21 PM |
Well for one thing, sex CONFUSES the heart. One person may associate sex with love while the other associates it with personal gratification. It's personal to them, not something they're really sharing a part of the heart and soul with. Without preaching this is why God tells us to refrain from sexual relations with someone until we're married. I understand that's never going to stop but at least you have an understanding of why.
There is a biochemical reason , as well
Oxytocin is released during orgasm in both sexes. In the brain, oxytocin is involved in social recognition and bonding, and might be involved in the formation of trust between people.
Bonding. In people, plasma concentrations of oxytocin have been reported to be higher amongst people who claim to be falling in love. Oxytocin has a role in social behaviors in many species, and so it seems likely that it has similar roles in humans.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oxytocin
So, it seems, love is a drug. It seems Brian Ferry was indeed right. 
Lumber up, limbo down
The locked embrace, the stumble round
I say go, she say yes
Dim the lights, you can guess the rest
Oh oh catch that buzz
Love is the drug i´m thinking of
Oh oh can´t you see
Love is the drug, got a hook in me
Oh oh catch that buzz
Love is the drug i´m thinking of
Oh oh can´t you see
Love is the drug for me
-Love is the drug
Roxie Music | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/13/2006 1:23:26 PM |
There is a biochemical reason , as well
Agreed. All those chemicals running around make their way to our heart and overwrite the logic in our minds -- to make us do dumb things. Things we'd never do if we were to think things through...so to speak :)
Good post, MG, once again. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/13/2006 1:34:05 PM | sometimes I think it would be nice...for me it's three strikes and you're out!
batter up LOL | |
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hamham
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Joined: 6/9/2006
Msg: 255 | |
| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/14/2006 10:55:23 PM | Jarbarian-
I just wanted to say that after reading your first post, I was able to smile again for the first time in a long while, and it was something I really needed to hear, so thank you for sharing. I also wanted to thank everyone else for sharing because its really been helpful for me going through a breakup to know that I'm not alone in this. It's all been very therapeutic.
I am trying to concentrate on myself and stay busy, but there are definitely times when I feel incredibly down and depressed, and I still wonder how I can get through it. I wonder how to deal with being abandoned. There are so many different and conflicting emotions that I go through, and worst of all, I don't know why he left me. I know I may never know why, but how can I quell that nagging part of me that needs to and wants to know WHY? Any thoughts would be helpful. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/14/2006 10:59:53 PM |
I am trying to concentrate on myself and stay busy, but there are definitely times when I feel incredibly down and depressed, and I still wonder how I can get through it. I wonder how to deal with being abandoned. There are so many different and conflicting emotions that I go through, and worst of all, I don't know why he left me. I know I may never know why, but how can I quell that nagging part of me that needs to and wants to know WHY? Any thoughts would be helpful.
Listen to this sermon. It will explain why and what you need to do:
http://www.theonlineword.com/mp3/5246.mp3 | |
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hamham
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Joined: 6/9/2006
Msg: 257 | |
| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/15/2006 7:43:00 PM | | Thanks for the link. I'm not trying to get him back or make him love me, because I don't believe you can force anyone to love you. But just letting go of the last four and a half years we had together without knowing what to make of it is difficult for me. I'm bound to remember, and when I do remember, I'm bound to feel something, but I don't know what to feel. I'm hurt that he couldn't even tell me face to face that he wanted to end it or to leave. Instead, he acted like nothing was wrong and just held me close the last night I saw him. Then he just disappeared, and I don't know what to make of it. Perhaps in the end it just doesn't matter? I should just toss it out the window and "let it go" as they say? That must be what he did. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/15/2006 11:09:47 PM | HamHam the hurt will go away but its going to take time. It's like gaining weight.It took time to gain it so it will take time to take it off. Work on yourself and build YOU back up again.Do the things you like doing before you met him.Stay busy . Jar is not saying that by doing the steps you forget that person or become emotionless but its more about putting yourself first again.You have an emotional scar.Let it heal and stop pulling on the scab...
After you get yourself together and when/ if you see him again he will see a new person and if you don't then you will be ready for the next guy who likes you!
It's like you have to be selfish again about yourself and what you want.Remember you were always thinking about his needs but now you have to think about yourself.
Always remember this .HE left.Not You.Apparently he did not think your love was important enough...who needs that.(easier said then done of course) | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/15/2006 11:42:47 PM | See everyone.. this kid is from California.. we are so diffrent from Oklahoma.. Thanks man.. that is what i have been telling these oklahoma people thy are missing out on everything in life. They hold on to the past and they refuse to just get on with there life..
I now know that it is not me. Thank you so very much.. I am california Redondo Beach and i am so very proud of it becousef we are open minded people.. we do not judge others for the way they life there life.
We think diffrent and this is the truth. everyone busts me for all my long long long letters. and the last 3 people i have read with these kind of forms are all Califorinas.. Man.. thanks with all my heart and soul
I NEEDED YOU TOO NIGHT.. I AM STUCK IN A DEAD END TOWN WHO JUST DONT GET IT..THY JUST DONT UNDERSTAIND "WOMEN OR MEN" IT IS SO DAMN SAID AND THEY ALL TREAT EACH OTHER LIKE IT IS THERE FAULT.
Well all i can say is this.. People.. you are missing out on life.. and love.. becouse you will not let go..
Man Thanks.. this women needed this tonight.. Jewels. | |
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hamham
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Joined: 6/9/2006
Msg: 260 | |
| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/16/2006 12:29:42 AM | Thanks for the comments. It definitely will take time, and I've realized that everyday it does get better in some way. Also, more importantly, I've realized that I don't want to be a victim. No one should be a victim even if things happen out of their control. We still choose how we react and in what way we will deal with a situation. It also helps to realize what role we played in whatever happened, and its not blaming others or yourself, but just trying to understand and learn from it and grow.
I agree, letting go is a process, and at the same time it isn't about denying what happened and what you once felt. I believe that the past is important because it defines or at least affects who we are today. It will always be a part of us in some way, but we can also move forward and move on at the same time.  | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/16/2006 8:43:40 AM | hamham, the reason you are having a hard time letting go is because you WANT something from him. You are tied to him by this want. The need to know "How can you just pick up and leave like that with no explanation????"
You may never get an answer from him, but you'll get one from me: "It was NEVER you, it was HIM."
You must forgive him. I know it sounds odd but when you forgive those who leave us you cut the ties that bind you as you no longer expect something from them (an apology, an explanation, etc.). Just forgive, truly forgive in your heart, and you'll be able to let go completely.
Closure is what you make of it. You're not a bad person. You loved and someone else wasn't receiving it. Not your fault.
The best we can hope for in this world is to love someone -- and hope they love us back. | |
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hamham
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Joined: 6/9/2006
Msg: 262 | |
| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/16/2006 11:34:40 AM | Thank you for your words, Jarbarian. I truly appreciate your taking the time to respond. I know all of what you're saying, but it still helps to hear it from someone.
[The best we can hope for in this world is to love someone -- and hope they love us back.]
Author:
I agree with you, very well said. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/17/2006 4:46:12 PM | | What do i do? She broke up with me about 3 weeks ago, we still live together and also work together. What do i do? I am the owner of the company, so i have the right to fire her. do i do that or what should i do? pl, help | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/18/2006 10:36:18 PM | Well, don't fire her because you broke up. (Not sure what the laws in Canada are in regards to employment).
I would sit her down and tell her you don't think it would be a good idea to work together and encourage her to find another job. I would definitely either force her to move out or you find another place to live.
You need time and space away from her. You need to go NO CONTACT. You need to let her go for now.
You can't do that when you live and work together.
You're in a pickle, that's for sure. I need more info on what you do for work. Give me your story in regards to her. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/18/2006 11:28:53 PM | Hey Jar thanks for everything man I just lost what I thought could have been the woman of my dreams and I was responsible but not completely. She was in a bad marriage had kids really early and in my opinion dosen't know what love is or what it takes to make a relationship work. She is younger than I am and I left a marriage where I wasn't happy. I didn't do the work to get out but thats another story.
The problem is I just did what was asked of me. She talked about all the things that other men in life did to her and I didn't realise I was making extra efforts not to do any of those things. Not that I would but I felt the need to be extra cautious. Anyway I think she lost respect for me because I become too nice, I did everything for her for nearly a year and she did things for me you know not 50-50 but 100-100 like a good relationship should be. Then things changed and I really began to put her needs above mine but at the time I didn't I had that many deep rooted needs. Prior to this she told she had never met any one like me and wanted to spend the rest of her life with me and within 4 months I was out of the house we moved into together and she's back at home where most of the shit happened to her in the first place.
I had no idea I had changed and I couldn't understand what she meant when she tld me I did. All I knew is I was doing what was asked of me at the time. She said she loved who I was then and not who I had become. I now know who I had become and why she doesn't feel the same about me. I want another chance but I'm going to work on me and if she comes back she had better have made an effort as well. She still won't take any responsibility for what happened to us she just says she should have learned from her marriage and gotten to know me better before making those promises. I can accept that. Communication and wisdom have to be learned and time can help that. Thanks for everything I now know why she said she didn't want to know I would wait for her. I know now that I can't wait for her to figure out who she wants to be with. I didn't want to hear the things she was saying because I didn't want to lose her and in the end I may have done just that. I'm going to find myself again and if I still appeal to her like I did before and if she's made changes in her life I might just give it another go. Not start where we left off but start over. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/19/2006 8:36:41 AM | | Habs, the guide explains clearly that you need to make your needs important as well. Read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by David Glover. It really is a good read for men who have turned too nice. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/19/2006 4:03:22 PM | Just courious, I was in a 2 yr relationship and am wondering I realize the no contact works like a gem and that according to a psychologist I spoke with, a 2 months break while still moving on usually serves the purpose to allow the person who stopped the relationship to realize wether or not they really want/need to have it back. To stop the cycle of the wishy washy person who is fearful or like you said dysfunctional we were both advised that if we do decide to pursue each other in 2 months to go for relationship counselling with this professional in order to have help to make it work and to understand better how to communicate with each other.
My question is that in this case the guy only lasted 4 days which seems like a life time I know, Text messaging his sorries and putting him self down and being depressed etc. All choices that he made on his own.
Do I ignore the texting? Do I wait too respond? What do I respond? and another thing is I'm sure he may have been drinking at the time (weekend/odd hour), so should I wait until I know for sure that he is crying the blues not on the weekend? What do I do? So much has happened in our lives lately, physically and family. Maybe he is just lonely now? I dont' know? | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/19/2006 4:08:36 PM | | Also, I am moving on, obviously just lightly nothing major or serious but dating's good. I have been out with tons of friends, but I feel like im on a rollercoaster ride and its felt like this for a while. Oh and we are not young anymore. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/19/2006 4:51:27 PM | Depends on who broke up with who.
Only four days? Sounds a little insecure on his part. Four days isn't enough time to think things over and correct some behavior issues. It takes many months for people to change attitudes, perspectives and habits.
If you cave in after four days I would have to guess that he'll use that to his advantage, assuming it's OK to screw up because you'll take him right back. If you cave in easily then he'll just think he has a free ticket to keep screwing up because you'll just keep taking him back.
I'd wait at least a few weeks before responding and even then I would make it short and impersonal. If he TRULY loves you and wants to make things work out he won't give up easily. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/19/2006 5:33:11 PM | | he decided to end it not me. I dont want to be a sucker. If I had it my way I would expect a marriage proposal with the conditions of counselling in order to be with me. I have been devistated. So I shouldnt respond for a few more weeks? I havent even had the opportunity to give him back his key. Not that Im worried about it. So if I wait a few weeks, what should I say? And it's okay not to respond too his hurts and feelings when he had no consideration for mine recently, right? | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/19/2006 5:35:03 PM | | And what if he keeps messageing or calls me? what do I do? What do I say? I know I never really to shut the door but I know what I want! | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/19/2006 6:54:07 PM | Saline I am going something like this also.My girl broke up with me but wanted to be "friends" and I was not having it.I did not talk to her for a month and broke off ALL contact.It's still a struggle not calling her . I am still going for another month just to get my emotions under control.I just need to get away from her for a while and maybe later I can be friends or something.... She still tries to contact me by phone or text/email and I wont respond.
It is very hard but you got to take care of yourself for a couple months.Your emotions are tied to him so you may let what he says slide if you let yourself get sucked in again. You have to make it known by not responding that you are not someone to be walked over and treated this way.If you do respond make it BRIEF.No long talks! Make up stuff like you gotta go somewhere/do something and dont have time to talk if he wants to drag it out.That is what he did to you right ?? All of a sudden he wants to tell you all his feelings.Why didn't he do that before ? Dont fall for it.Give both of yourselves a break.If he really likes you he will be there in a couple months and if not he never really liked you right?
All you have is yourself .It's not about getting mad at them but just letting them know you have a life of your own and you don't revolve around them like the sun. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/20/2006 8:52:18 AM |
he decided to end it not me. I dont want to be a sucker. If I had it my way I would expect a marriage proposal with the conditions of counselling in order to be with me. I have been devistated. So I shouldnt respond for a few more weeks? I havent even had the opportunity to give him back his key. Not that Im worried about it. So if I wait a few weeks, what should I say? And it's okay not to respond too his hurts and feelings when he had no consideration for mine recently, right?
If you wait a few weeks or a month, your feelings for him might change. The thing is once you're taken off the "addiction" of the relationship and can see if from a more neutral standing you will start to see his faults more clearly -- as well as your own.
Right now is your opportunity to evaluate what has happened over the course of your relationship and whether you feel it's worth continuining or not.
As for his text messages I would recommend you don't respond to them for at least a few weeks. I'm usually not one for games but in this case you need the time away to clear your head. Make him sweat. He's the one who broke up with you so running right back to him would reward his bad behavior.
"Love Must Be Tough."
There has to be consequences for making rash decisions. If you understand "boundaries" then you'll know why it's important to not rush back to him. Second chances with RARELY succeed when a significant amount of time has not passed. That time is needed for people to effectively change and improve upon themselves.
Four or five days is not a sufficient amount of time for him to change. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/21/2006 3:55:11 AM | Jarbarian,
What a great post. Not only the original, all your responses and suggestions are so mature and balanced.
It's unfortunate that so many people are in the break up lane, with only one party making the cutting call.
I printed your original post for a friend of mine who's been in a relationship for 5 years. There's been infidelity and she is the one who initiates in-between break ups. Now, she is considering another one, but too afraid of the feelings. Personally, I think she is addicted to the guy, the drama, the fights, the mind games and the lies, and doing all of those things herself.
Her partner has been, apparently, 'playing around' and being very nasty when they are together. He seems to be purposely picky and confrontational, for what I think it is, his intention of forcing her to break up again, and maybe for good (?).
I am sure my friend needs professional help. However, she's been to therapy, the two of them also went to couple's therapy. Nothing works.
She is pretty much isolated from friends, and almost ashamed of bringing this issue with other people. She seeks too much support from his daugther, but I don't think that's healthy either.
I think I might be her only reference point, and she is asking me now what 'I' would do. I don't want to tell her what to do... how can I help a friend who couldn't let go before, and can't let go now?
Funny enough, she and her partner are in their early 50s.. One would believe that by reaching that time, one knew better.
Thank you for helping so many people to live life to its fullest,, because that should be the intention.
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