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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/21/2006 8:40:41 AM | Thanks Oliveshiraz, I appreciate the kind comments.
Tell your friend she's not alone. I know someone approaching 60 with the same issues. A husband who feels like it's ok to "wander" and she constantly takes him back. He's mentally abusive to her.
Now that I think about it, I really want to punch his lights out -- but it's not my issue to resolve. A friend and I gave her the book "Love Must Be Tough" and that helped a bit.
I would suggest that book to your friend as well.
Thanks again for the kind comments and God Bless. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/21/2006 11:44:56 AM | Hey Jar man,
Just wondering what I can do. I think she's seeing a therapist and is probably getting the no contact suggested to her so its probably going to boil down to a battle of wills and today she phones me asking for money for a bill that was incurred when she moved out of the house we moved into but after she asked me to move out. I have a pretty good idea she needs the money because she hasn't been very good with cash lately and as such is wanting my help to cover it. The amount doesn't matter but what does is what do I do and how do I go about doing it. She changes her tone and acts all nice and sweet just expecting me to help her after telling me we can't even be friends anymore. It was an expense related to the house we lived in together but I wasn't living there when she moved out, we were kinda still seeing each other though. I have let it go and forgiven here but not in the hopes of getting another chance but I don't want to make any chances of it ever happening worse by either bending over backwards or being a****about it. Another thing I know I won't find myself in the arms of another woman besides thats not my style but I'm concerned that she dosen't know how to work on herself because of the things she's been through and I worry about her getting hurt again. I did tell her to give back anything she thinks I would want back and that I wouldn't want her to have any bad memories of our time together so if she wants to give any of that stuff back she can. I don't want to be the one to hurt her anymore like she says I've been doing. Well thats probably enough for now. Anything you pass on would be appreciated man and thanks I'm doing well having great days and pretty good nights and I ordered that book. I'll make it a priority to read it a few times when it gets here. Later and thanks again.
Habs | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/21/2006 11:46:16 AM | | mate thanks alot uv really helped me i was with my ex 4 over 3 years n was engaged then broke up again thanks alot mate ur a star safe | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/21/2006 11:47:01 AM | | this thread ought to be "stickyed" at the top of this forum. it's a must-read for the recently jilted, and a good reminder for the not-so-recently jilted who stumble into this forum. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/21/2006 11:59:00 AM | Habs -- don't pay her any money you do not "legally" owe her. Not your fault she can't manage her money.
DO NOT RUSH IN TO SAVE THE DAY. All you'll be doing is accepting breadcrumbs of ber attention and she'll know she has you on a string.
She made the bed, let her sleep in it. I would suggest sticking to not contact and following the guide. At least in this respect you can heal as quickly as possible and be set up to have a great relationship with someone better for you.
Bike Man, thanks. I believe the thread is on the ADVICE link. It'd be nice to have it stickied because there are a lot of threads related to second chances and "getting over" someone -- both of which I've tried to address as clearly as possible. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/21/2006 2:05:58 PM | Hey Jar thats what I was going to do buyt how do I do it? I've been more than generous with her in the past and trust me I don't want to save the day I'm just not sure how I should go about letting her figure it out. Like I said its not the money its the principle and she seems to think its fair that I help her but she did say if I thought so aswell to let her know what I was going to do. I think if I stand strong in my desicion it will benefit me in the long run I know that but what if she continues to call me and hound me for it? I don't want to fight and some how I think thats what she's after or maybe she's testing my resolve. Thanks for the quick response and thanks for telling what I already knew I should do. I guess sometimes you just want to be sure. i'll prepare my best repsonse and maybe she'll understand why I'm not going to help her. "The lord helps those who help themselves." I'm helping myself in this situation there's no doubt about that.
Habs | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/21/2006 3:08:34 PM | God this sounds so like me.... I have been going from one relationship to another and in all cases they had problems which i tended to try and help in order to feel better about myself... i believe that they call this Co-dependence.
My last relationship lasted all of 2 years, and although i fell in love with her. she was not interested in anything long term because she was heading back to another country, to get away from her ex-partner and needed help with her son.I could see the signs but i could help how i felt at the time.To make this story shorter, basically she did go back without even thinking about our future, and this broke me a little.But even then i chased(sorry yo say) and i went to see her.Within a year of us being apart one day she decided to come back, this confused me.. wondering whether she really loved me or was it because she was having a crap time at home.This blew my confidence withit myself, because i finally let the penny drop in my mind, that she wants an easy life and i am the man to provide it, due to my unselfish nature, wanting to please her in order to give the love and respect.This was of course a oneway street and i had to be brave for myself and end our relationship even though she was living with me.
She knew that she was on to a winner with me at the time, but i think she had realised i was on to her... and this helped to end the relationship...
With Co-dependency working over time... i wanted to get her back although a hopeless cause, knowing that i would never get the respect i wanted from her equally.
This has had a huge effect on my confidence,self esteem and actually there is someone out there for me.
Your notes are very encouraging at this moment in time, it has shown me that i do tend to go for the same type of peps and i shouldnt.. that i be looking for better....
Thank you | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/21/2006 3:42:50 PM |
Hey Jar thats what I was going to do buyt how do I do it? I've been more than generous with her in the past and trust me I don't want to save the day I'm just not sure how I should go about letting her figure it out. Like I said its not the money its the principle and she seems to think its fair that I help her but she did say if I thought so aswell to let her know what I was going to do. I think if I stand strong in my desicion it will benefit me in the long run I know that but what if she continues to call me and hound me for it? I don't want to fight and some how I think thats what she's after or maybe she's testing my resolve. Thanks for the quick response and thanks for telling what I already knew I should do. I guess sometimes you just want to be sure. i'll prepare my best repsonse and maybe she'll understand why I'm not going to help her. "The lord helps those who help themselves." I'm helping myself in this situation there's no doubt about that.
At this point the focus needs to be on YOU and YOUR needs. Forget her problems. They are her problems to deal with. Not your problem she can't handle her finances. It's called "tough love." Sometimes you have to let people wallow in their own "crapulence" for them to realize they need to be responsible adults.
Don't help her.
Don't explain why.
Delete her emails.
Don't take her calls.
Go into no contact mode and work on yourself and your needs. Don't become selfish, just realize that if you don't take care of your needs, if you don't love yourself, you will never be able to truly love anyone else.
Women want to be around happy, funny, easy going, confident men. Learn those traits and you'll soon find yourself in a happy relationship with a METALLY HEALTHY woman. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/21/2006 3:50:28 PM |
God this sounds so like me.... I have been going from one relationship to another and in all cases they had problems which i tended to try and help in order to feel better about myself... i believe that they call this Co-dependence.
My last relationship lasted all of 2 years, and although i fell in love with her. she was not interested in anything long term because she was heading back to another country, to get away from her ex-partner and needed help with her son.I could see the signs but i could help how i felt at the time.To make this story shorter, basically she did go back without even thinking about our future, and this broke me a little.But even then i chased(sorry yo say) and i went to see her.Within a year of us being apart one day she decided to come back, this confused me.. wondering whether she really loved me or was it because she was having a crap time at home.This blew my confidence withit myself, because i finally let the penny drop in my mind, that she wants an easy life and i am the man to provide it, due to my unselfish nature, wanting to please her in order to give the love and respect.This was of course a oneway street and i had to be brave for myself and end our relationship even though she was living with me.
She knew that she was on to a winner with me at the time, but i think she had realised i was on to her... and this helped to end the relationship...
With Co-dependency working over time... i wanted to get her back although a hopeless cause, knowing that i would never get the respect i wanted from her equally.
This has had a huge effect on my confidence,self esteem and actually there is someone out there for me.
Your notes are very encouraging at this moment in time, it has shown me that i do tend to go for the same type of peps and i shouldnt.. that i be looking for better....
Thank you
Please read and heed this line: "Women do not want me who give their personal power away by spoiling them." This is not attractive and will put you in her eyes as a "wuss" to put it politely.
When you seek approval from women it's the same as taking your family jewels, boxing them up and handing them to her on a silver platter. (it works the same for women too).
Respect precedes love. A woman has little respect for a man who doesn't have the confidence to know that he alone is good enough, not what he can "provide" her.
Don't get me wrong, doing things for women is good -- but in moderation. Don't spoil them. Don't try and buy their affection. IT NEVER WORKS. It's an un-attractive quality.
It's like saying "I love you" every 5 minutes. After a while the words lose any value because they are abused. In the same way, giving, giving, giving all the time puts too much pressure on women. You're using 'covert contracts' (A covert contract is when you believe you are giving because you love someone but deep down you are doing it to get something back, be it a gift, love, attention or otherwise) to get your needs met.
If you give, it should be on special occasions. I like to write a note and pin it somewhere she can see it. When I surprise a woman with a gift, it's for a special reason or occasion with ABSOLUTELY NO EXPECTATIONS!
As a Christian, I do believe we should give to those in need but not with the expectation we'll get something in return. Relationships should be the same way.
Read my thread on being a balanced man.
Nice guy ---- Balanced ---- Jerk
You're too far to the left of the scale. You need to learn to ride the fine line (A good, balanced man -- not a 'nice guy.")
Best of luck. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/23/2006 6:53:42 AM | | i must say you summed it up to a "t". i could not have said it better. my problem is doing it. i'm currently in a relationship and have been for two years now. my boyfriend and i are in a live in relationship. all was well until october of last year things started going down hill but i am still here. we broke up and seperated for two months - got back together everything was perfect ( a little too perfect) then recently we fell apart again. i fault myself for putting my guard back down and now it seems like things are worst then they ever was. i tried hanging out with friends, doing things that made to at peace and going out by myself, when i get back home things seems worst then before i left. i really don't understand our so called relationship anymore that's one reason why i tried this site. this may be the wrong appoach but to me it's a start. thank you for the tips and i will follow them to the best of my ability and as for the boundaries. THAT IS ONE OF MY BIGGEST PROBLEMS. i can't practice what i believe in. i always tell everyone action speaks louder than words but i tend to go back on my word when it comes to my boyfriend and i think he knows this. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/23/2006 10:19:06 AM | That is some good advice. I was with the same person for 14 years married for 10. Have 2 wonderful kids together. Than things started going wrong. Found out that she was seeing someone for over a year before we separated. I wonted to work things out and she wonted to walk. I’ve been told that this person has the same goals, hobbies as me. A friend told me it’s like they took your life stuck it in a blender turned it on. From that you have to take the pieces and try to put your life back together again.  | |
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hamham
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Joined: 6/9/2006
Msg: 287 | |
| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/23/2006 7:22:24 PM | That's one lesson I've really learned from my recent breakup experience: I can't lose myself. I always need to make time for me, to do the things I love and am passionate about. A friend of mine described it as needing to be a whole person on your own, otherwise we'll be walking around like half of a circle, waiting to be attached to another half circle to make a whole. But what happens when that other half disappears and is no longer there? It becomes co-dependence; but if we are a whole, we can form a link with another whole, and that's stronger and healthier.
For me the hardest part has been the process of healing and letting go, because it definitely hasn't been instantaneous, and though I have my strong moments, I had the same problem where after the distractions have passed, I'm left alone with the confusing, negative effects of the breakup. It's only been 2 1/2 weeks, but I am getting better. Thanks again for all the comments and support.  | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/24/2006 10:42:28 AM | Dear Jarbarian,
I was wondering how often the dumper finds companionship immediately because of NC to mask the pain of the ex? or vise versa? I mean who hasnt done this or at least thought about it and still been in love with the other person (the ex)? Or maybe been so confused they think there in love with the new person (the rebound) when they really never had time to grieve the ex? And how are you suppose to get through that if it occurs? and you do decide to go for round 2 with the ex? ( My worst fear of NC would be being replaced even if temporary). UHG....the thought.............. And is there a time period before you should be intimate with someone else or date, etc.... | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/24/2006 11:27:02 AM | I won't share my story, but please accept my thanks. That was the sum of information I needed. I miss her, I love her, but I have to let her go. Thank you for putting this post up, it was of great help.
Chris. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/24/2006 3:04:55 PM | Jar,
Tell me what you think of my story please?
I just got dumped from a relationship of almost 1 year. I am 31, divorced and she is just 20. When we met the chemistry was undeniable however I took many months just being friends with her and breaking down previous emotional walls that she had built up from past guy hurts. So, we slowly evolved into a couple. I will say she is needy and clingy at times but has that super-dynamic personality that justs makes everybody want to be around her, that energy if you know what I mean? Well, back in mid Feb, we broke up over the weekend then she was basically begging to get back so I did. This time she calls me and tells me that it is over then comes while I am at work and gets all her stuff from my house, everything, clean break I guess. She emails me and says she is really sorry for all this. The funny thing is that two weeks before all this she purchased a wedding dress and was planning for us to elope in March 2007. So, in just a few weeks she says she no longer loves me and dose not want to work things out and that is her decision. Then she mails me and says that basically the reasons are 1. She is tired of fighting with her friends and family because they do not like me(MOM basically) and 2. That she felt like she always had to encourage me and that put pressure on her and that she needs a guy that is OK on his own. Well, I am OK on my own I just think we both got a little too needy. Anyway, does this sound like doom? I saw her today while riding my motorcycle and she tried to avoid me but then just half smiled while I rode by. She had someone in the car with her but I could not tell if it was a guy but who cares I guess because that is really none of my business. Anyway, I have done the hands off approach for about 3 days now except for seeing her today which I don't think counts? I want to work things out, do you think she is just confused or is she gone??
Thanks,
Jason | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/24/2006 4:03:26 PM | I also wanted to add this. Just from a pure relational psychology standpoint I did read this statement let me know if you agree??
One of the biggest mistakes we make when we want that ex back is to constantly call that person. Do not do this. When your ex has made it clear that they do not want to continue the relationship, do them a favor, do not call, this is a huge mistake. DO NOT call your ex for a minimum of two weeks. A MINIMUM!!! Do NOT mess up this step.
Even if your partner has said that he or she wants to continue the relationship but does not want it to be serious, do not call them. Give yourself two weeks. A month is preferable. If you do not call, they are going to wonder why? If you had been on a daily relationship with this person, and suddenly you take away their lifeline, I can almost Guarantee YOU they will call YOU!!!
That person will wonder why you have not called. It will bother them to the point of calling. It may not be the very next day, it might not even be the next week. Be patient, He or she will most likely call. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/24/2006 4:55:07 PM | Well, I've been a very inactive "member" ever since I joined. It was kind of one of those--- oh, I guess I should try to get over her.... ho hum" kind of things. Only recently have I really started reaching out to date, and only today did I check out this feature. OMG, IF ONLY two years before you wrote this had I had the article/information in front of me!!! If only I had followed these steps. I went down the whiny, begging, pleading road; and it almost killed me. The only advise of a similar nature was from an article at the beginning of this year (actually his New Year message) from Pastor T D Jakes-- Let It Go!. And those are YOUR first words as well. I lacked the self-esteem, the confidence and everything else. Once she walked out I thought my life was over.
it's been a hard two year recovery. I can't say that I would have followed your thoughts, but to have had them then no one could have said "Told you so!".
And it amazes me how long people have been reading and responding to your posting-- over three months! Wow!!! And, just as in my case, I'm sure it will continue on. You've writen a masterpiece, an absolute classic. It's like-- why have these thoughts not been gathered before and etched them in stone.
I, too, have copy and pasted them and will keept them to review and pass on to others! Thank you very much for your insight.
David | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/24/2006 4:57:48 PM |
I was wondering how often the dumper finds companionship immediately because of NC to mask the pain of the ex? or vise versa? I mean who hasnt done this or at least thought about it and still been in love with the other person (the ex)? Or maybe been so confused they think there in love with the new person (the rebound) when they really never had time to grieve the ex?
That's usually defined as a rebound. If they get with someone else within a few months of a breakup, most likely it won't last.
And how are you suppose to get through that if it occurs?
By following my guide, grieving like you normally would and learning to let go. Can't fix yourself if you are "fixated" on someone else.
and you do decide to go for round 2 with the ex? ( My worst fear of NC would be being replaced even if temporary).
That's being insecure, telling yourself someone else won't love you. Fear of not being loved is often times what keeps us attached. If you think about, often times breakup occurs because they don't love us or we don't love someone else. If you know that perrson doesn't love you anymore, why are you hanging on for fear of not being loved? You aren't being loved now. Chances are you will find someone who loves you even more than the last. Don't fear the unknown. Embrace it. Breakups suck, but really, why hang on to someone who says they don't love you? Give them the freedom from you they desire. If they change your mind (and you have healed) then you can decide if you want them back. I would only take them back if they had truly changed -- and that takes a LONG time. (Not weeks. Think 6-12 months).
UHG....the thought.............. And is there a time period before you should be intimate with someone else or date, etc....
If you're not in love with someone I wouldn't suggest getting intimate with them. The notion of getting "under" someone else to get over another doesn't work. All it does is make you miss your ex even more. When you truly love someone else you'll forget about your Ex. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/24/2006 5:03:19 PM |
Tell me what you think of my story please?
I just got dumped from a relationship of almost 1 year. I am 31, divorced and she is just 20. When we met the chemistry was undeniable however I took many months just being friends with her and breaking down previous emotional walls that she had built up from past guy hurts. So, we slowly evolved into a couple. I will say she is needy and clingy at times but has that super-dynamic personality that justs makes everybody want to be around her, that energy if you know what I mean? Well, back in mid Feb, we broke up over the weekend then she was basically begging to get back so I did. This time she calls me and tells me that it is over then comes while I am at work and gets all her stuff from my house, everything, clean break I guess. She emails me and says she is really sorry for all this. The funny thing is that two weeks before all this she purchased a wedding dress and was planning for us to elope in March 2007. So, in just a few weeks she says she no longer loves me and dose not want to work things out and that is her decision. Then she mails me and says that basically the reasons are 1. She is tired of fighting with her friends and family because they do not like me(MOM basically) and 2. That she felt like she always had to encourage me and that put pressure on her and that she needs a guy that is OK on his own. Well, I am OK on my own I just think we both got a little too needy. Anyway, does this sound like doom? I saw her today while riding my motorcycle and she tried to avoid me but then just half smiled while I rode by. She had someone in the car with her but I could not tell if it was a guy but who cares I guess because that is really none of my business. Anyway, I have done the hands off approach for about 3 days now except for seeing her today which I don't think counts? I want to work things out, do you think she is just confused or is she gone??
Honestly?
She's 20.
You're 31.
You're at very different points in your life. She's not ready to get married. I never suggest anyone get married before 28 because it takes that amount of time to mature and really know WHO you are.
She's going to be commitment phobic at her age. That's a huge age gap (11 years) and she has probably thought a lot about it. It might not even be YOU that is the problem. It very well could be her.
Stick to the guide my friend. Find yourself. You're still pretty young and have plenty of time to meet someone who is more stable and at the same place in life you are at. And before you ask, I've been in the same position. My ex is 8 years younger than me, confused, doesn't know what love is truly about and yes, my age bothered her. Bothers a lot of women who aren't quite mature enough to settle down.
Don't let it bother you. As I said, follow the guide and find yourself. Work on areas of yourself you can improve. Get to the gym, aquaint yourself with friends and do your best to let go.
Letting go is essential. You have to do that in order to focus on yourself and not be fixated with her. Yes, do think about what went wrong in the relationship but the focus should be on areas of yourself you can improve. You can't change or control her nor are you responsible for how she acted.
You are only responsible for yourself. Learn to love yourself and others will love you dearly :) | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/24/2006 5:04:15 PM |
And it amazes me how long people have been reading and responding to your posting-- over three months! Wow!!! And, just as in my case, I'm sure it will continue on. You've writen a masterpiece, an absolute classic. It's like-- why have these thoughts not been gathered before and etched them in stone.
I, too, have copy and pasted them and will keept them to review and pass on to others! Thank you very much for your insight.
Thanks David, I appreciate it. If I have helped just one person recover and move on, I feel like the guide has done it's job :) | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/24/2006 5:52:12 PM | Not really, kookies. I'm single right now. What couples are going to listen to a single guy?  | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/24/2006 5:55:34 PM | Jar,
sounds like you are NOT too optimistic about my situation. Yes, I know the age is big but is it just too big a gap to overcome? I know I must focus on myself and I am trying. Seeing her today while riding my R6 was not good, I was messed up for about an hour. She saw me and tried to pull behind some other cars so I would not see her but I just rode by and looked over and she kinda gave me this half smile deal?? Anyway, am I just being a fool here ruled by my emotions? I know she will end up calling sometime but man I don't know how I will emotionally handle it. It is obvious that my NUTS are in need of some repairing after all this. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/24/2006 9:54:55 PM |
sounds like you are NOT too optimistic about my situation.
Too much optimism interferes with one's ability to grasp reality. At some point you have to accept where things are and focus on yourself. There's being positive and realistic and then there's too much wishful thinking. To live in reality, you have to accept what has happened and let go of things you can not control.
Yes, I know the age is big but is it just too big a gap to overcome?
If she was a very mature 20, yes. But it doesn't sound like it.
I know I must focus on myself and I am trying. Seeing her today while riding my R6 was not good,
Well, because you ride an R6 and not a 600RR I'm not giving you any bonus points. haha. All kidding aside, R6s are good bikes but I outdrag them on the straights :)
I was messed up for about an hour. She saw me and tried to pull behind some other cars so I would not see her but I just rode by and looked over and she kinda gave me this half smile deal?? Anyway, am I just being a fool here ruled by my emotions?
No, but you do have to go through the normal grieving process and implement NC. Next time you see her in town, ignore her. If she sees you going out of your way to make contact with her then she's going to know she has gotten to you. Never let them see you sweat.
I know she will end up calling sometime
Put that thought out of your mind. You don't know that she will call and even if she does, you shouldn't think about when or it but focus on improving yourself where you can.
but man I don't know how I will emotionally handle it. It is obvious that my NUTS are in need of some repairing after all this.
Everything you need to know and do are in the guide. The question is WHEN are you going to follow it? When you do, you'll start to get better. Life goes on, not all relationships are meant to last forever. The key is to take what you've learned in each failed attempt to help you get to the level of being able to have a good relationship -- and knowing when is the right time to walk away from someone.
If we could only do that, we'd all be much better off. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/24/2006 10:53:17 PM | | Wow. I'm new to the site and this is amazing advice. Just wish I had seen it about a year or so ago. I broke up with my ex (despite being incredibly in love with him) because I was watching him spiral out of control and I could do nothing to help or stop it. I did not want to be the co-dependent in the relationship. He asked that we try to be friends and needless to say, that didn't work. I got pregnant and from that point on life as we knew it changed forever. He moved away to "experience life" and came back before the baby was born. He told me that he couldn't give me what I needed and I deserved someone better. Three weeks after I had our son, (and in the midst of some hardcore post-partum blues) he informed me that he was seeing someone else. Yes, yes.....I wish I had read this about a year or so ago. So, I can't exactly follow the advice anymore, because the no contact thing isn't possible when you have a child together. Any advice on that? It still hurts a little, so I'm going to take your advice and spend some more time focusing on myself and the new love of my life, my son. He was the one positive out of it all. | |
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