So you want a second chance? Free Dating, Singles and Personals

Joined: 7/5/2006
Msg: 376

So you want a second chance? Posted: 7/10/2006 4:33:53 PM
It's a fact of life: Ex's always come back into your life when you're finally over them. Because they want to know WHY you are over them :) SO , what you are saying is, when I am feeling like a man again, she will be there to try again with me? Oh Shirt. I am going to write myself a note and put it in a time capsule like in every dresser draw and pants pocket . This note will read: "Dear Killerdogsmooch, RUN !! Your ex will come back but you have forgotten the horror she put you through so I am here to remind you so you won't be manipulated by her CUTE LITTLE PRETTY PERFECT ADORABLE rotten nasty face. She is a low life scum and you got rid of her for a reason....etc.etc." hehehe,hickup,he,snort,hehehe Thanks for the heads up !!

Joined: 2/9/2006
Msg: 377

So you want a second chance? Posted: 7/10/2006 4:40:44 PM
Habs, I am VERY happy to hear it! Keep us informed on how you're progressing. Also, for those men who suffer from "nice guy" syndrome, please explain what the book taught you and how it would help a recovering "nice guy.." Thanks!

Joined: 2/9/2006
Msg: 378

So you want a second chance? Posted: 7/10/2006 5:07:51 PM
KDS, you know this well: Ex's will not want to be back with you if you're still pining and miserable over them. They want to see you happy, fun and full of life. They'll want a slice of that. They do not want to be around people in the dumps. I sure don't, do you?

Joined: 7/5/2006
Msg: 379

So you want a second chance? Posted: 7/10/2006 5:14:39 PM
I guess Jarbarian but I would have taken her back all depressed and crying in the ran at my door, sad, heart broken and wanting to sleep with me like crazy. I think I fell for her because she was pretty confident and worthy and that is the price when they break your heart with that confidence later. Personally, I eat little snacks like her for lunch and I only cried like a school girl for 2 short months, face down in my pillow. I am a man now though. (wink)

elisha_marie

Joined: 12/22/2005
Msg: 380

So you want a second chance? Posted: 7/10/2006 7:23:11 PM
when i read this message i thought back to when me and my bf broke up. we were going out for almost 3 years. he gave me a promise ring and told me we would always be together. he was there with me throught the hard times and the good. He was really my first long term bf. we would do everything together, you could never find one without the other. we spent ever min of the day together. than one day i had a feeling something was wrong. he went out the night before with some of the guys:and i had a feeling he cheated on me. he never came out and said it but i knew he did. i broke things off with him, and a few days later i was talking to his best friend who told me he cheated on me with some 16 year old girl. i was mad and thought how could he do that. we loved each other so much. after we broke up, i wanted to give things another try. i would cry and just ask myself why he would do this.i was so down for about 2 or 3 months, than one day i seen the light. i seen that i don't need him and that there are better men out there for me. ones who are better than him. it took me a long time but i seen it. when i read this i just started laughing, and seen how true it was. everything you said helps so much. thanks: yay:

jpantoja

Joined: 7/10/2006
Msg: 381
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History

So you want a second chance? Posted: 7/10/2006 7:27:17 PM
What do you say/do if he wants to be friends? Ended relationship 2 months ago because he was not sure about commiting. I guess I pressured him, but ultimately decided he needs to make up his mind. I told him this is not working for me. He was not sure and wanted to think about it. We have been in light contact (i couldnt help myself) and he has been saying i miss you, can we see each other, asking about my dating life (just aknowledged i was dating but did not give details) and so on.... I have been happy to hear from him every week for a short phone conversation or text message (really light fun conversation mainly). Last week he texted again. And I realized its not right for me either. He is still not making up his mind but does not want to loose me completly. So he still is getting what he wants.... He definately does not want to loose me -- but he does not want to fully commit. He thinks at this point if we commit we should be getting married. I think partly he is skipping steps with his thought process.... and now wonder he is overwhelmed....but i dont want to argue about this anymore. So he insists on seeing me and throws in the word friends. Like tell me about your dates.... I will say no. He will say: but friends will tell each other that stuff... I already decided that i will not see him. And I dont want to be friends either. I do not want to be harsch though. I like keeping it light and friendly. What do I tell him? Need some suggestions!

Joined: 6/7/2006
Msg: 382

So you want a second chance? Posted: 7/10/2006 7:58:11 PM
Hey Jar, I'm still not really sure what I should be doing right now though. As for the book theres lots to learn and the best part is I read it after I saw her on Friday. But even after reading it I want to see if she wants to try again for my sake. She didn'tcome right and say it but I think she does I'm just not going to rush right out and buy a ring or something stupid like that. Reading it did help me realise that I did change into a man she didn't want to be with. I should have let her figure things out and not tried so hard to fix them. I should have remained strong and just let her feed off that and want to better herself for the sake of doing it and not just to be with me. The book says nice guys try to caretake and fix, they tend to take on projects and I knew she wasn't like that when we met, the problem was she had a rough few months and she became one and I just tried to make things right and in doing so made things worse. I wasn't a nice guy when we met but I became one when things go tough. She then lost repsect for me as a man. I did make her the center of my emotional universe not by choice but I thought I could put aside my needs and care for hers. I know now that it won't work that way. I should have cotinued look after me and let her look after her as hard and as stupid as that may seem to do thats what has to happen for her to respect you as a man and to be attracted to you. Only you can get what you want in life but you have to know how to get it in order to ask for it from some one else. Even then they can't be totally responsible for your needs they can help you satisfy them but they can't do it for you. The book talks about the past and letting it go and accepting the idea that you can be you and people will still want to be with you. By the past I mean your past, your past relationships, your past mistakes and your past patterns of being with some one. You have to retrain yourself that if something isn't working you can't just try harder you have to try something different. I'm not sure if I can go on talking about it here though I recommend getting it and reading it a few times and do the exercises there're next on my list of things to do for me. I remember a quote though, No one wants to be with some that appears to be perfect. If you try to be perfect no one will be able to rtelate to you as a human. Humans are fallable. Thats what makes us unique and interesting and attractive to opposite sex. If you're too perfect you're like a teflon frying pan nothing has a chance of holding on when it does get close to you. Same goes for a partner if they have nothing to hold on they'll just slip away. You have to accept that you're not perfect but you can be different and its ok to be who you are. If you don't know who you are you can't be with some one because they'll never be able to know the real you. Don't be a chemleon either. Don't show people what they want to see. Don't hide who you are with material things or seek the approval of women through attatchements, even though you may have been taught by your mother that thats what women want. Don't give with the expectation of getting. Don't make covert contracts to get your needs met. Don't try to buy her affection. Do set boundries and tell your partner what the consequences are if they are broken. Stand up to her and she'll be better for it. She'll respect you for letting her figure things out on her own, she might be mad at first but talk to her and tell that it not your problem to solve and that she really should try to remedy it herself. One more thing to get what you want you have to know what you want. Don't accept table scraps from the plate of love or life. And don't concentrate on being a great lover to her. One of the biggest things that nice guys do and it dosen't work is they try to be the best lover to their partner all the while putting their pleasure aside in hopes they'll be satisfied. I was guilty of it I used to say I was happy if she was happy. I'd say I was satisfied knowing that she was. What a bunch of bullshit. Don't be selfish be self aware, she'll pick up on that and the sex will be more rewarding for both of you. All I can say is if you think you're a "nice guy" and not balanced or good guy and you're not getting what you want in life, love and sex. Read the book I did and I'm going to be a better man and a much more attractive man from now on. Habsfan

Joined: 2/9/2006
Msg: 383

So you want a second chance? Posted: 7/10/2006 9:39:39 PM
What do you say/do if he wants to be friends? You can not be friends with someone you are in love with. It won't work. You will delay your healing process and suffer immeasurably in the process. Heal first. Let them go. IF sometime down the road you realize you don't want them anymore, then maybe you can be friends. If you still love and want them back -- step away -- far away.

Joined: 2/9/2006
Msg: 384

So you want a second chance? Posted: 7/10/2006 9:43:42 PM
Habsfan, your next reading assignment is: "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" if you truly want to understand how women think -- and understand how you think. Congrats, you got the jist of it. You may also want to read: "Love Must Be Tough" by Dr. James Dobson. Great book on why relationships fail and how to avoid starting off on the wrong foot. It will help you a lot in your situation. Be good to yourself. Love yourself. Accept and love who you are. Before you can truly love and appreciate someone else, you must first learn how to love and appreciate yourself.

Joined: 2/9/2006
Msg: 385

So you want a second chance? Posted: 7/11/2006 1:44:37 PM
Just something to add.... Someone emailed me asking for advice. I gave her the advice based on the information she gave me. I guess I didn't give her the answer she "wanted" but I did give her the advice that I know based on my research to be true. If you email me and I don't give you the 'instant fix' to your problem, I'm sorry. There is NEVER a quick fix to any relationship. It takes time and effort and usually requires us to follow our minds, not our hearts. Your heart will ALWAYS screw up what you know in your mind to be true. And sometimes, regardless of how much we want a second chance, it just isn't going to happen and we have to accept that. Especially if you hurt someone so deeply they can not forgive you. You can't force someone to love you. You can't force them to forgive you. You can not change their hearts no matter how much you try. Only THEY can do it and it takes time, and lots of it, away from them for their feelings to change -- if they ever do.

Joined: 7/5/2006
Msg: 386

So you want a second chance? Posted: 7/11/2006 2:54:14 PM
(As you say), the problem with your Theory of ' MOVING ON ATTRACTS THEM BACK', is that people move on for good and relys on a passive approach at winning. Even if you win the lottery or get buff or paint a permant happy face on you, the trouble is your partner is to blame for the break up and they suffer from a GOD COMPLEX of believing they are right. Your approach forgets the fact that the women are out at the dance clubs laughing , dancing, having a good old time talking crap about their men and winking at all the new fresh meat. HOG WASH (only a laughing hyeena could act more healed than that). I always win a second chance and never by being extra healed and extra fun. Firstly, who said I need my self worth and confidence levels improved. I would like to tell the author to meet me down at the gym right after any of my break ups and we will see who is the most confident. Besides, if you win them back only GOD HIMSELF could forgive your partner for abandoning you in your own puke and tears while they are calculating how much they can get off your fortune. I HAVE A THEORY on second chances. So you want a third chance ? #1 POST HER PICTURES UP everywhere AT HOME so you can see keep LOVING and thinking about her NONE STOP without interruption SO TO BUILD ENERGY from your new found insanity. Keep going with your heart. Don't let any academic tell you what and who you are. You are in love, live it. That love will keep you from drinking diet coke, alcohol, over eating, doing substances that rob your energy. Drive yourself nuts with veggies, water, proper sleep, no fat meat, and crazy 5 hour cardio and weights work outs. Throw your head into your work and make a freaking million. #2 DON'T BE MAD AT HER and never think bad of her. Forgive everything, and keep communication to a zero. Remember you are a hot head right now, and if you speak to her you will explode. We will steal abit of this passive approach. ....LATER you will walk up to her and be the ALPHA MALE DOG.... to be continued.... killerdogsmooch ...WOOOF !

Joined: 2/9/2006
Msg: 387

So you want a second chance? Posted: 7/11/2006 3:16:22 PM
KDS, I got a chuckle out of that but did want to point something out. While she is out on the dance floor having a good time with her friends, why aren't YOU out with your guy friends hanging out at another place? People aren't miserable by force after a break up. It's a CHOICE to stay miserable. It's a CHOICE to give them your personal power. It's a CHOICE to pine over them. See, you and YOU ALONE have control over your feelings. You can control them or you can let them control you. Which is it going to be?

Joined: 7/5/2006
Msg: 388

So you want a second chance? Posted: 7/11/2006 3:34:28 PM
BEING MISERABLE is not a bad thing, it is a good thing. It is a guy thing. Personally when I am doing jumps on my MOTORCROSS 90 yards long, and swimming one more hour a day hard, I am thinking of her and how she use to swallow. I like being miserable. I don't know about dancy clubs with a few guys would do it for me. I want to hold on to her in my chest and legs as long as I can (even if she has already moved on). I am not fake. I cry when I walk around. I don't need to heal. I need to use the (miserable) energy to make gains in my life, but I aint going to forget her for a second. Love is an accomplishment so why manipulate it, why not keep it until it naturally dies. One day before you know it, that song lost its luster and that is when you feel confused. Why confuse yourself pretending it is over for you with her. Nope, it aint over till it is over. Just don't stalk her. Leave her alone.

ramkuma

Joined: 5/27/2006
Msg: 389

So you want a second chance? Posted: 7/11/2006 5:40:29 PM
It depends on a girl. I tried getting away from Mr. Nice Guy and that is exactly what the last girl wanted. Needless to say I hurt her with my lack of consideration and she left me. Looking back on it, I was such an idiot. Their is no subsititute for always respecting a woman. The way I see it, by being the nice guy, you will attract the nice girl.

Joined: 6/7/2006
Msg: 390

So you want a second chance? Posted: 7/11/2006 7:10:42 PM
Well update time, Went to see her even against my better judgement. I wanted to see her, I didn't need to see her. I wanted to talk to her, I didn't need to talk to her and I told her that. We had a few laughs a couple awkward moments some half hearted jokes about seeing other people and how good each of our weekends really were. I told her what I thought I did wrong and that I was sorry for not seeing it till it was too late. I told I'm doing work to get myself back to who I was. Told her about the nice guy syndrome and everything. Told her how I understood that I wasn't attractive to her when I was like that. She said she knows I'm doing good cause her friends have seen me and she thinks I'm having fun with out her. I'm not having fun with out her I'm just having fun and I told her that. She told me she dosen't want to be responsible for holding me back. I said she wasn't holding me back that I'm a man and if I thought she was holding me back I'd take steps to make sure that she wasn't. She told me she asked me there to talk to me and she wanted to know if we cold be friends sometime and I said I didn't think so. She said she repsects that as an answer and later on after we talked some more she told me how she sees how hard it could be to be friends. She understood how I felt when I told her it would be too hard for me to friends with her. I did hug her and I told her I would try again if she wanted to. She said she can't right now. She said she needs to find herself because she never really took the time to do that after her last relationship. I said thats cool but said I didn't think it was a good idea to do the friend thing. I told I wouldn't bother her anymore took my stuff and drove off into the sunset. I want her back but I'm not going to throw myself at her. I did what I thought I had to for me. I talked to her to see where she stood and now I know. As for us I'm not sure, only time will tell I guess. I'm going to go back to the NC thing and see where it goes. I know she misses me and she knows I miss her but only time and space will be the way to really know. I'm going to continue to be me. I'm not going to look for myself in the arms or bed of another woman. She was concerned that that's what I'm doing and she said she isn't doing that. I said it's none of my business but that I was glad she wasn't. I took her in my arms and held her and when I said I wanted to try again one day she didn't pull away. I'm not going to read anything in to that. I'm going to let the chips fall where they may. Played a few cards, not trying to buy a pot though. Would appreciate any advice though. Well until I get to the library for those books. Habs

Joined: 6/7/2006
Msg: 391

So you want a second chance? Posted: 7/11/2006 8:50:46 PM
Ram, you have to look up the clinical meaning of nice guy ok. You should Google Dr. Glover and you'll understand that being a "nice guy" isn't a good thing. In fact its bad its counterproductive to getting the things you want in life love and sex. Its so bad I never want to be refered to as a nice guy again. Habs

Joined: 2/9/2006
Msg: 392

So you want a second chance? Posted: 7/12/2006 9:28:00 AM
Habs, You did "OK." I have some suggestions if you're open to it. It's OK to tell them you can't be friends. She knows you love her and that it hurts you to see her moving on without you. It's not really ok to tell her you want to try again. She already knows that and that's basically handing your personal power to her. Never "talk" about your improvements. Let them SEE them first hand. When you talk about the improvements you have made, a woman's first reaction to that is "Is he trying to convince me or convince HIMSELF???" Let her see them first hand. About your stuff, that's hard to say. If you go pick the stuff up then she either has no more reminders about you OR she gets the message that you are going to move on, regardless. As for other women, it's OK for her to know about it. But don't talk to her about it. Let her friends see you out with other women having a good time. At least in that respect she will have the clear message that if she wants another chance with you she can't wait forever. Bottom line is you have to LET HER GO before you will ever have a shot at winning her back. I know that sounds counter-productive but really, she needs to know what life is like without you (ala NO CONTACT) in order to appreciate what she had. Continue to destroy the "nice guy syndrome" in you and work on loving and appreciating who you are, just as God made you. When you're completely happy and accepting of yourself, so will others be in you. So do go out on dates. If anything it will help keep you upbeat and sharpen your social skills. It will also help you work on getting rid of being a "nice guy" (read: Door mat). Think of it as practice. Best of luck and thanks for the update.

Joined: 6/7/2006
Msg: 393

So you want a second chance? Posted: 7/12/2006 11:41:16 AM
Well not to disagree with you but after reading the book I'm under the notion of going what I want. If she doesn't want me for who I am then I'm going to find what I want in life love and sex. I kinda told her that today but in doing so I did tell her that I was willing to try again and this go slow and do whats right to give it a real honest second try. I didn't say that I was waiting for to make up her mind I just told her what I wanted and am going to leave the ball in her court. As for talking about improvements I know she already sees them thats why she wants to talk to me again atleast that's why I think she does. Either way I'm not going to wait for some one that dosen't know if they want me in their life anymore. If she truley doesn't want to be with me then I want her to say it and I'll leave and I won't look back. She felt something for me and I felt something I never thought I would but I'm not going to waste my time or pass up a chance to be with some that wants to be with me. I'm not going to try harder I'm going to try something different and I want her to know that. There were lots of things that were never said because we didn't understand. Anywa I'm going to go for now and thanks for the advice I'm going to follow my heart for a bit here and if it gets hurt again I guess I needed to learn more about me before I am able to move on with out her. One more thing stop wishing me luck ok man, luck as nothing to do with anything its all about choices. Later and thanks again you've been a great help would love to buy you a beer one day. Habs

Joined: 6/7/2006
Msg: 394

So you want a second chance? Posted: 7/12/2006 11:58:13 AM
Hey back for a bit... I guess we're talking again you could say. I did pick up my stuff but not the stuff I bought her and her kids. I said I didn't need it and that if she really didn't want to be reminded of me that she could sell it or burn cause I didn't need it. I am in no way telling her that I'm going to wait forever for her. I'm telling her I want her in my life my new life and that I don't want to look for something that I already have. If she thinks I'm not who she wants to be with then I will go and we won't be friends and I'll forget about the idea of ever being with her again. The only reason I'm going down this road again is because of they way we felt for each other. I don't owe it to her I owe it to myself. I want to know if it might have worked if things were different like they seems to be right now. I want to know if she is the one for me and maybe a second chance is the only way to find out for sure. As for getting a second chance I think I might be getting one right as I'm wriitng this. I'm strong confident passionate and goal oriented again and she can tell. Its just up to her if she wants to be part of this. She did when I was me the last time and I think the idea of me being me again is appealing to her. I said I wanted to be with her for the right reasons not becuae I needed her in my life not because I wanted a mission or a reason to live or a diamond in the rough. I told I don;'t want that in my life anymore and she wasn't that way when we were first together. I also said I can be there without being there 24/7 like I thought I had to be. Anyway I'll keep you updated and you know what I hope she reads this one day too. Just sure if its a good idea to let her read it right now. You tell me. This is helping me realise who I am and what I've done wrong in my life. I don't just mean from a relationship standpoint either. I mean my life in general. I settled for what I had and got what I settled for. I'm not going to do that anymore. I'm accepting who I am and that I'm not perfect. That I don't have to be something I'm not. I can just be me and I'll get what I want. No one else can give me what I want and I'm just figuring this out now. Talk about a lsow learner lol. I won't let my son grow up like that let me tell you. I'm out and I'm not sure when I'll be back. Habs

thisbuds4u

Joined: 7/7/2006
Msg: 395
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History

So you want a second chance? Posted: 7/13/2006 9:08:00 AM
I think you hit the nail on the head with your post. I just wish I had read that a year ago and saved myself a ton of heartache. I was with my exgirlfriend for 3yrs, when one day she felt she was too young to stay serious without seeing what else was out there. Needless to say I was pretty devastated, I truely thought we were meant to be. She still wanted to be in full contact with me, maybe not as friends but just to know what was going on in my life. Stupid me hoping that she would see that we were truely meant to be I kept in contact with phone calls at least once a week and an occasional "hang out" of dinner or coffee. We still say we love each other. She is always on my mind day and night haunting my dreams and everything I do. Now its been a year since we broke up, i've been dating and in short term relationships with at least ten girls and every single one of them I started off having interest in and then I end up finding a million reasons not to stay with them. As for my ex she dated someone for about 9 months before breaking it off with them recently. Last week she asked for a ride like she does from time to time, except this time she asked me to take her to my place. Of coarse who am I to turn away the one I love so much still after all this time, so we ended up sleeping together and holding one another all night. The next morning while were talking in bed she mentions that she doesnt want me to get the wrong idea about what happened and that she still wants to be single. Talk about an emotional roller coaster! Is it too late for me to still get a second chance after being such a douche bag for all this time?????

Joined: 2/9/2006
Msg: 396

So you want a second chance? Posted: 7/13/2006 10:43:59 AM
There's an old saying in regards to sleeping with ex's. "Why buy the cow when you can have the milk for free???" In other words, you gave her what she wanted with no obligation on her part. Don't sleep with her again until she is ready to commit. Period. Stop being there for her all the time. You are settling for breadcrumbs of her attention whenever SHE feels like it. Start making yourself scarce. No, you may not find a lot of other women interesting but GO OUT WITH THEM. It's good practice, especially since our social skills erode if we spend too much time cooped up. Get to the gym and work out. Hang out with friends. Find new hobbies. Work on self-improvement. Read the books I have been recommending. Especially "Love Must Be Tough" and "No More Mr. Nice Guy." They'll help you understand, better than I can explain, what you've been doing wrong. Give her space/time to miss you. I wish you hadn't caved in and slept with her. Denying her sex would have been a great opportunity to draw a boundary with her. No relationship - no sex! (And yes, I realize I am guy and a Christian, but to me sex is the ultimate expression of love. Never just give it away.....)

thisbuds4u

Joined: 7/7/2006
Msg: 397
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History

So you want a second chance? Posted: 7/13/2006 11:44:14 AM
It was too hard for me to resist after all she was single again here I was thinking hey she’s coming back to me. I've made allot of mistakes and ur completely right I’ve been at her beckon call. The one thing I do right is I don’t call her or initiate any meetings, its her who does all the calling. But do I just ignore her calls? I know u said before be selective with answering but should I just stop answering, or like when she calls and I do answer should I pretend like im busy and have to go? or be disinterested in what she's says? I tend to get a little depressed if I don’t talk to her for a while, should I think about maybe going on antidepressants? I hear they make you more nonchalant about things.