| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 7/13/2006 12:16:01 PM | One more thing, getting re acquanted with old friends is a wonderful idea. I tried classmates.com and found some old high school friends, e mailed them, called them and the catching up and re-living the "good old days" not only brightened my day, but made me feel much younger than my 46 years.
charles | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 7/13/2006 12:34:19 PM | Charles, good to see you doing well and I am sorry about your relationship.
You're still pretty young at 46. There WILL be someone else, I promise you, if you follow the guidelines.
It'll take some time but before you know it you'll be ready to date again. Only this time (if you read the books I recommended) you'll attract and stay with someone who fits your profile. Don't waiver, don't accept less and certain don't accept bad behavior in exchange for companionship.
Best of luck to you! | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 7/13/2006 1:49:35 PM | Hey Lookin,
From some of the things I've read recently, his being a co-worker is, in my opinion just an excuse. It's a reason but almost all self imposed reasons are just that...excuses. You have to break contact with him. You broke up and now stick to it. If he wants you back he'll come knocking but you can't wait for it...it may never happen. If and when it does you have the choice of whether or not to open that door. Do whatever it takes to get space from him. You need it. You have to look after yourself. He'll put on a happy face, you should too. You have to let go and move on only then will you have a chance at ever being truly happy. Follow the guide as best you can and take heart in knowing that if he doesn't come back someone will gladly take his place as a part of your life. No one can be your life...they can just choose to share it but only if you choose to allow them that honour.
Hope this helps and don't think I'm trying to replace Jar I'm just using this as part of my personal therapy. Writing and helping others helps me make sense of things. Have a good one. The past is in the rear view mirror you can look back at it once in a while but you still have to watch where you're going through the windshield. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 7/13/2006 2:01:25 PM | No worries, Habs.
I'll repeat some of the best advice given here: "The best revenge is a life well lived." | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 7/13/2006 2:48:29 PM | Hey Jar...and yes, the advice that you e-mailed me a few weeks ago was right on the money...now he can't wait to drive over to the West coast to spend time with me. Drop me an e-mail about the fated 2-week deadline that you were waiting for.
Second chances will work ONLY if your advice is taken..thanks again, my good friend. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 7/13/2006 3:12:19 PM | | this guy i meet off here played me along just to have sex with me twice then told me to hit the road!!!!!! and i really liked him ALOT | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 7/13/2006 3:34:12 PM |
Jarbarian - for such a young guy you certainly have your head on straight
Young guy? He's practically around the corner from middle age. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 7/13/2006 4:09:04 PM |
Young guy? He's practically around the corner from middle age.
Still bitter I see, Chrystotom. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 7/13/2006 4:18:57 PM | | JARBARIAN IS A GOD, not THE God, but a god none the less. He is out to change the world one heart broken guy at a time !! Listen to his stuff man, he is sincere and wants to help. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 7/13/2006 4:27:27 PM | | No kidding KillerMUTT!! (With hugs..of course.) He's the 'Indiana Jones' of the tumultous second chance of a lifetime. Everyone can learn from him, no one can replace him. Again, he helped me land my 'soulmate' for a second time...I would go to this guy for ANY problem, wouldn't you?? | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 7/13/2006 5:16:07 PM | | That was an exellent set of Ideals on second chances as I'm going throught that right now in a .sort of a way. She took of and cheated on me but started the space thing first that we should break up and be friends thing.Well nly one small problem we have a mortgauge together.She took of on me to cheat with an ex friend of mine who I sknow sI should of never given her msn address cuz he wanted to see what she looked like and from day one he tried to pick her up.I take that responsibility.She even told me what he was doing and I shut it down quick blocked him from all of our stuff and took him out of our phones after he said a Bs story that got back to me when I was out of town and then I got mad at the fiance.but he found her again and convinced her to go with him.but.I have kept all my anger and fustrations in check and maintained balance.Yes I do Love this woman and we are perfect for each other besides what just happened. I have left her alone and it is hard when you do live together but my saving grace is I 'm on the road for my job all the time.But the funny thing she calls me telling me what problems she's having with this guy as he wants to marry her but she does not love him and still does not know why she went.PLus another guy wants to Marry her too.So all i do is just listen and don't offer an opinion and keep my emotional distance and now shes calling me and telling me she still loves me and other stuff but its hard to sit here like a person that doesn't care but it seems to be working for now as I guess I am the balance in her life and silently she still loves me a lot but,but like I said.I think she would still like to marry me but that will have to wait as she now has to regain my trust which may or never get back to her .Its one day at a time and she knows we get along very good but well see or I could be set up for another betrayal only time will tell.I may still have to move on | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 7/13/2006 6:25:47 PM |
Still bitter I see, Chrystotom
No, not bitter at all. What reason would I have to be bitter? | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 7/13/2006 7:05:45 PM | Chrys?? Whatever age Jar is...his advice is mature, rational, non-judgemental, and way out of your league. Do yourself a favor, lose the ego, educate yourself as Jar has... and listen to him.
I see you as insecure and jealous. Jar is only trying to help in the virtual world of sadness and helplessness. He has no 'agenda' to hurt anyone..if you come up against him with your insecurities..he will call you out. He will win and I am honored that he is my friend..you..on the other hand need something that Jar doesn't need. He has it..you don't.
God bless you, regardless. | |
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babsm
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Joined: 7/19/2005
Msg: 416 | |
| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 7/14/2006 4:44:31 AM | I must say that for a man you really know how to put words to people's thoughts. I think that there are alot of men in Canada that should read this thread. In fact, I just wanted to say that I am in total agreement of the healing "the heart" process. There are so many men out there that think they can jump from one relationship to another and when each one comes crashing down on them they wonder why "she" wasn't the one. When what they need to realize is that their heart wasn't in the right place to begin with. I have been single for over five years and a big reason is because I refuse to be someone's "crutch" while they decide what they really want. I know what I want and won't settle for less. Thank you again for writing this thread and hope you don't mind if I pass it on to a friend who really needs to read this.
Babs  | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 7/14/2006 8:26:19 AM | Babs, please pass it along to anyone whom you feel might be able to use it. I would appreciate it.
Also, if like Habsfan, you have used this advice and it's worked or has not worked, I'd like to hear your story.... | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 7/14/2006 11:58:13 AM | Hey Jar,
I need some more advice. If she offers friendship odds are she dosen't feel the same about you for whatever the reason, right? I'm asking cause it seems a bit weird that after everything that was siad and done that friends can even be partly appealing to her unless she's either...
A. lonely and just misses my company or
B. she's striking out big time with other attempts at find guys to be with, or
C. wanting to try again but isn't sure exaclty how to word it or of course...
D. None of the above
... in which case any suggestions as to what she might be thinking would be appreciated. She told me she wants to find herself but has been going out and meeting guys. I know its not supposed to matter since I'm doing the same, but girls I mean of course, not thats there's anything wrong with that lol. I guess what I'm getting at is do I ask her out right what friends means to her. Does it mean start over as friends and see what happens all the while watching her and knowing about her meeting other guys in an attempt to move on from our romantic relationship just incase things don't work out the way she wants them too?
I know I'm a prize and I know I'm not going to sit there acting like her friend when I want something more. Hardly fair to either of us in my mind. I have let go of the idea of being with her like we were before but I can't stop thinking that now that we've learned alot that things might have a better chance this time around. I understand her misgivings but unless she can let go and forgive so that she can get over the past it will never work. I can, hell I already have.
I'm still going to let her figure things out and I'm not going to allow myself to miss out on life but I can't help thinking that if she'd just take a chance and allow herself to face the fear that it might be the best thing that has ever happened to either us as it was when we were first together. Anyway I've wasted enough of your time and I have to get back to my life. Later and thanks. I do hope this helps others out there as well it has been a huge learning experience for me and I will practise what I preach and what you've been preaching aswell.
Habs out! | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 7/14/2006 2:21:09 PM | Habs, when a woman says she wants to remain friends, this is really what she means:
"I want to keep you close, on a string, so that if later on down the road I can't find someone better than you, you'll be there for me....." She wants you in her back pocket. She also thinks that by being your 'friend' she is easing some of your pain and helping release some of her own guilt. Guilt that, if she broke it off for silly reasons, she NEEDS to feel.
Being friends with an Ex leads to false hopes. It tells her that you'll settle for being "second best" in her life. That you'll wait around for her to sow her oats.
Do you want to accept breadcrumbs of her attention in the vain hope one day she realizes how much she misses you?
Of course not.
The only way she is going to miss you is for you to simply disappear. Don't be her friend. It hurts you. She gets her needs met (having you close, someone to talk to, reassurance, company, etc) while your meeds are NOT being met.
That's no basis for a healthy relationship.
If you want any chance of her being #1 in your life, you should not accept being #2...or 3....or 4....
Don't announce anything. Simply just disappear from her life like a ship in the night.
In the meantime, follow the "second chance" guide.
Friends
Hobbies
Exercise
Self-improvement
Those four priorities will be make you strong, better and more healthy if she decides to come back later (and you still want her) but moreso, it makes you much more attractive to other women who may turn out to be a better fix than your Ex ever could have been.
Cheers. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 7/14/2006 2:21:49 PM | Oh and Jar,
Nothing has worked yet other than the fact that I'm feeling much better about who I am and what I want in my life now. I do need some input before I procede any further with this.
I haven't read either book you suggested yet but I did pick up "Iron John" and "The Intimate Connection". I did try "Men are from from Mars..." before but it wasn't very good at relating to me and the way I think but I'll definately give it another shot sooner than later.
Anyway just wanted to clairify a few things since I didn't really make things very clear in my last post. Again thanks for everything if not the chance to post here and relate to others that have had similar experiences. Later man! I still owe you that beer too.
Habs | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 7/14/2006 2:24:47 PM | Thanks Jar,
I knew that already just wasn't sure the proper way to go about it. I won't rush and I won't wait either. Later man gotta go meet a little cutie for coffee. Have a good one and a great weekend I know I will.
Habs | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 7/14/2006 2:24:50 PM |
Oh and Jar,
Nothing has worked yet other than the fact that I'm feeling much better about who I am and what I want in my life now. I do need some input before I procede any further with this.
I haven't read either book you suggested yet but I did pick up "Iron John" and "The Intimate Connection". I did try "Men are from from Mars..." before but it wasn't very good at relating to me and the way I think but I'll definately give it another shot sooner than later.
Anyway just wanted to clairify a few things since I didn't really make things very clear in my last post. Again thanks for everything if not the chance to post here and relate to others that have had similar experiences. Later man! I still owe you that beer too.
Nothing in life is guaranteed, my friend. That's what rule #13 means (and hey, do you think it's rule #13 by accident? haha). You may follow the guide perfectly and find out in the end they still don't come back.
Well my friend, that doesn't matter because you will be much better off if you have stuck to the guide and improved yourself.
The ONLY book I want you to read before you read anything else is "Love Must Be Tough." Focus on the advice for singles and his chapter on why boundaries are important. In that respect he talks a lot about the same things Glover talks about.
And that is, you have to have boundaries in every relationship. Why? Because if you don't, you won't be respected. And respect precedes love.... | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 7/14/2006 7:47:46 PM | That was the smartest most well written advice I've ever seen on this particular subject. Maybe you're not an expert, but your right on the money. I couldn't agree with you more. Well written | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 7/14/2006 9:01:24 PM | Well Jar man,
I went there and called her on the friends things and after hearing what she had to say about her not looking for anything and wanting to be alone, I said good luck and have a nice life. I told I just wanted her to be happy and I'll see her around one day maybe. Walked out and I'm not gonna look back.
Atleast now I know for sure that I didn't mean as much as to her as she did to me. I feel like a weight has been lifted as I had been doubting her decision making process. I know she's not being honest with herself about what I meant to her but that doesn't matter its her weight to bear. I think she's either trying to find a replacement for what we had or she wants something better. And just wants me hanging around in case. Well I'm the prize and I'm not gonna hang around while she tries to upgrade to something better. Told her out right I can't be in her life. I do want her to be happy, always have, but I can't watch her share that happiness with someone else. I won't be the guy she comes to when things go bad between her next boyfriend. I refuse to settle for that role.
She said I've never been alone and that I'm not going to find myself if I'm with her and vice versa. I told her not to tell me what I need. I also said being with her would not be a need but a want. I'll continue to be me and if some one comes along that is a better fix for me then I won't be afraid to take a chance. You can't live in the past and you have no idea what the future holds so I'm gonna just live for the moment. I'll keep you guys updated on how things are going with the new me and my "No More Mr. Nice Guy" life style.
Later and good luck everyone. If you find some one take a chance and do it right...its not a cake walk, relationships take work and don't forget it. Some people are worth the effort and some are not but only you know for sure. Just make sure its an educated decison. And when you make that decision you will have to live with it because you may not get a second chance. The only thing you can control is your choices and how you choose to face the future.
Habs | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 7/14/2006 9:13:39 PM | | Well what about the feelings & emotions??? I mean I divorced my x hubby a year ago!!! Still carry scars from it... I have gone through him saying please come back I love you all that mess... Still he doesn;t change anything so I do not forsee that ever happening. But how to do you avoid allowing the scars over one bad relationship/marriage not to carry into another relationship... I mean is it ok to date after a divorce??? I dunno just my thoughts. In my case I was the one who left and the one that is hurt by him... Fancy | |
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