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| any advise????
Posted: 7/19/2006 9:59:48 AM | TT2H, if you do contact him again, make it short and sweet. The the reason should be a very good one. I can't emphasize that enough.
Maybe some old mail laying around? That's not a bad excuse. Something like...
"Hey there. You have some mail laying around here. Do you want it or should I toss it?" | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 7/19/2006 10:17:30 AM | Tony, if you can cheat on someone, you don't love the one you're with. It's not fair to the girl you're with or the girl you're sleeping with.
My advice? Tell your current G/F that you need some time apart because you're confused about your feelings. Know that if you do this you stand a very good chance of losing her for good.
That said, you don't seem to be too worried about it if you are sleeping with someone else. Fear of being alone should not be why you are together.
There's an old saying "Don't marry the one you can live with, marry the one you can't live without." If you feel like you are tolerating her, you're not feeling it.
If you know what the problem is, have a sit down talk with her and tell her you want her to go to anger management counseling. She needs to get that under control. | |
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| any advise????
Posted: 7/19/2006 10:28:27 AM | jarbarian
good post...
I had been in relationship for 3 yrs, have been thrown out more times than you can count..
and kept going back..I would not call her ,and she always made first contact..and we would talk for hours..and make up...but the last time I was getting ready to leave ..getting all prepared..and one night she just told me to get out or she was calling the cops..so i left at 2 in the morning ...that weekend i went back and got my stuff, and gave her back the keys..
and never looked back ..about 3 months after that she contacted me..and we would talk ..and the surprising thing about it is that to this day we remain friends...and we still talk once in a while..she has moved on and so have I .
I havn't had anyone in my life since then ,but I am willing to wait for the right woman,and I will not settle for just anyone...I have made many friends..and no rush to get into a relationship..it will happen when it does...It has been about a year, and I am happier now than i ever was.....
Sure I do get lonely once in a while but who don't ...when i get like that i just call a friend ,to see what's up ..and maybe go for a coffee ,or anything ....
anyways great post...I even saved it | |
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| jarbarian any ways i can
Posted: 7/19/2006 12:52:21 PM | jarbarian heya man any how i can get ur advise without posting here ? is a major issue in my life but not somthing i care share with all these people iwill buy u a  hehe :)
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| So you want a second chance??
Posted: 7/20/2006 9:30:21 PM | ok jar this is the status post phone call:
I called it rang no answer i left a message and like you said i faked it till i made it. Short sweet and to the point. No sobbing or anything like that. But like i figured he did not call back. But a couple of hours later i happened to stumble upon a journal that i kept for the past 1 1/2 years. It opened up my eyes!!! in those pages i found that i not only was i miserable and unhappy but i wanted out of that relationship. i read it through in amazement.
We had more bad times than good times..why do i want him back anyways?? So you know what i did..i stopped feeling sorry for myself..now i know why i did what i did..now it's on him. if one day he chooses to come back i can only wish that i wont' have any feelings for him so that i can send him on his way..but don't get me wrong i still have feelings for him but i realized he was jerk and that i didn't need that in my life..so i guess i'm through with the second chance thing and i will keep my head up because now i can accept the fact that we both messed up not just me. thanks for the advise i will certainly take this with me on to my next relationship..and i will keep you posted on the event if he does come back..may God bless you for all your great advise. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 7/21/2006 12:30:30 AM | Hey Jar,
just updating you on my situation...I'm doing awesome. I feel great going to the gym doing things for me while doing the no contact thing with the ex gf and having a great time...not a great time with out her just a great time. She wanted to be friends and I said no thank you and prepared to be alone. And the second I figured I'd be alone for a while I find someone that's so into me it's scary but in a good way.
After a few IMs on here we did the msn thing for a while then we talked on the phone and things just got better by the second. We have so much in common I just hope that's not gonna be a problem. We have like goals values and beliefs about so many things in life. We found ourselves talking on the phone for hours and now she tells me she has to meet me. She was supposed to come see me, its a 3 hours drive, on the 29th but passed up Pearl Jam in Seattle to come up here to meet me early. I am a prize and she sees it. As I feel she is to me. The best part is we feel like we know each other so well already that we didn't even have to rush the meeting part of this. But who am I to argue if a hottie wants to come and see me for no other reason than the fact that she likes me for me.
Anyway I have to get some sleep I'll let you know how its goes...and yes I'll be a gentleman as long as I can resist. She read about the nice guy syndrome eventhough I didn't ask her to. Knowing I'm working at being a good guy has made a huge difference to her. She doesn't want a nice guy she just wants a real man, faults and all. As I'm sure most honest women do as well. A guy can have the better attributes of each, a nice guy and a jerk...thus the balance we should all be striving for if we want to get what we truly want out of life, love and sex...I'll let you know at a much later date about the sex...Only fools rush in and this cat ain't no fool anymore. Later and I don't need any luck! Luck is for chumps, it's all about choices and making things happen for yourself.
Habs | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 7/21/2006 8:31:28 AM | Habs, that's great but let me give you a warning from Dr. Dobson:
"Never let a relationship start out like a rocket, for it will surely flame out just as fast."
In other words, take it slow! Real slow. Get to really know each other before you're in a big rush. You're still getting over the ex right now. Think of the new girl as a friend and keep your hormones and excitement in check.
Trust me, if you want it to last it HAS to start slow. | |
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| So you want a second chance??
Posted: 7/21/2006 8:34:33 AM | tt2h that is great. Journals are great for that very reason.
Another good tool is to list all the BAD qualities about someone and keep that list handy whenever you are pining or miserable over them. It will help remind you that this person isn't perfect and had faults, just as they claim you did.
It's being rejected that causes us to question why. Our own fears and insecurities - not the person who left us - that makes us constantly question "why"... | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 7/21/2006 9:02:41 AM | Thanks so much. Your thread spoke too just where I am today. I have got some of the points mastered, but man it the control issues, that I have, that really get in the way.
Thanks for being so timely.
Wishing you all the best | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 7/21/2006 10:39:10 AM | I was reading a thread on another board and someone had posted their journal entries from the time she started thinking about ending the relationship. Interesting to note she was the dumper. She explained her feelings in the journal. I posted it here for those who have been dumped and don't understand. This a great illustration of how you can be dumped and not have done anything wrong. Something just felt wrong...
This is a great read and I encourage everyone who has been dumped to read this!
1. I'm in a relationship, and have been for a while now. My partner is happy. My family and friends are happy. Everyone assumes we will be together forever. Except me.
2. Something is missing - I can't put my finger on it, but for some reason I find myself not as happy as I was when we were first together. Small things are beginning to irritate me that didn't before.
3. Every day, it slips more. I'm beginning to find myself wishing I had time to myself. I'm keeping a happy face though. I keep telling him that I love him, hoping that I can believe in that again but it doesn't seem to be working. I don't want to hurt him, and I don't want to end this - but every day that goes by, the little things are adding up. Irritations. Quirks that once were cute to me set my teeth on edge. The sex is beginning to suffer. I shut my eyes and wait for it to be over. I feel so guilty doing this.
4. He's on to me. I think he knows, because he has been asking a lot 'what's wrong' or 'is there someone else?'. I'm more quiet now. I still tell him that I love him but only if he insists on asking or knowing. I don't feel it though. Its such a horrible feeling to look into his face and say "I love you" when I feel like I don't anymore. I feel like I have to say it now. The guilt is overwhelming. What would my friends think? My family? What will he do if I leave him? Why does he have to be so happy with me, when I'm not happy with him?
5. I can't take this any more. Its been four months now since I started feeling this way. Every day is another step downhill for me. I have to get away to think this over. This is so f*cking difficult, but I tell him that I need some time and space to think things over. Once I am on my own and I think about it, I realize fully that I am not happy with him any more. I want things to be the way they were when we were first together, but I know him better now - I realize I fell in love with what I had hoped our relationship would be. The man I fell in love with doesn't even exist. Now that I've gotten to know him really well, I realize that this relationship with him isn't what I need. I can never be happy with him.
6. I tell him that we can try again, because I feel so bad about hurting him. I hope that I can just get back some of that feeling that I had - maybe if I try really hard, I can love him again.
7. Two weeks later, and I'm right back where I was. Probably worse. The 'getting back together' was a terrible idea. He was so desperate to keep us together. The sex was needy, desperate. Too much. Too much. It was like a huge brick tied to my ankles, dragging me down further. I just can't fake this anymore. I told him that we should be friends. I realize I only said it to try to keep from hurting him further. He insists on spending time with me. I miss him, I like him, and I have fun sometimes when we are together, but I just can't be around him anymore - because I know that he isn't really interested in being friends - he wants us to be back together and I can't handle that.
8. I have to break this off. I can't be nice about it anymore. I am cold to him. I turn my back on him, hoping that he will just get on with his life and try to forget me. The more he tries, the angrier I get. I'm finally out of this - why does he insist on trying to drag me back? Why didn't I tell him from the beginning how I was feeling? Now I'm in a trap. He is holding me responsible for his happiness, and I resent the hell out of that.
9. I finally told him point blank to get out of my life. I hate it that I had to go that far. I feel so guilty, and so sad for what we had - but I just can't make myself love him when I don't. He asked me how I could be so cold after all the beauty and love we shared. I couldn't answer. I just turned away.
epilogue
Eight months have gone by. I have talked to him a few times, but it always ends the same way. He gets sad, and I feel guilty - which makes me sad and angry. I keep telling him that we can't be together again - but how can I look him in the face and tell him the truth: that there was nothing wrong with him - I just fell out of love with him? How could he possibly understand that? He would have an easier time asking a corpse why it died. He keeps saying "what did I do to make you stop loving me" - and I try to tell him, but he insists on believing that it must have been him. He still thinks that if he changes or that if we get back together we'll find that love we had. I wish I had just told him all that time ago - that I was trying but my love for him was dying right there in my hands and there was nothing I could do about it. God... why didn't I just TELL HIM WHEN IT WAS HAPPENING?
I'm going to be carrying around this guilt for a while. And this anger. I could have saved him a lot of hurt by just telling him how I was feeling, but I kept fooling myself - putting off the inevitable. I feel horrible. Every time I think about him, I think about how he did nothing more than love me - but I just couldn't love him back anymore. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 7/21/2006 2:13:53 PM | Hey Jar,
Don't worry man its gonna be going so slow it might even seem like its going backwards sometimes. We're just gonna hang out and get to know each other on a deeper level. I used to preach no pressure no expectations and this time I'm going to practice what I've been preaching. I have to. I want to. For my sake.
I'm going to be prepared to walk away if it isn't right and the only way to know for sure if it has a chance of being right is to build a strong foundation not like a house but a tree strong at the base but able to sway with change, resisting the chance of things getting too strained so that the branches will enivitably break and crash down on my car or something.
Anyway thanks for the concern and you bet I'm gonna go slow. Gonna have fun but gonna go slow. We can do both, in fact fun is better if there is no pressure or expectations, in my mind anyway. Later I'll keep you updated...when are we going for that beer? Have a good weekend Man!
Habs | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 7/22/2006 9:08:33 AM | BE VERY CAREFUL YOU DO NOT BECOME TOO OBSESSED FELLAS :
P-L-E-A-S-E READ:
A gentle friend of mine did jail time for his broken heart, but now he says, "BROKEN HEARTS ARE FOR CRY BABIES....and if you bring that weak crap to the playground you will be beaten up.". (He really changed)
HERE IS SOME REALITY : The fastest way to break an obsession with a woman is realize how many men go to jail for 30 days charged with hurrassment for simply phoning their EX too many times. One of 3 guys I know who spent time in jail for simply phoning their ex's one too many times, described how he was held down by men and beaten till he had 18 stitches in his face AND NOBODY CARED TO HELP HIM. After he finished his 30 days, he wasn't allowed to be in the same city nor associate with her or mention her name to anyone in the world, and that means quit his job and move out of his home town as her. WE ALL THINK THERE MUST BE MORE TO IT, BUT THERE WASN'T, just phone calls. 40,000 men will vouch for that.
Just be happy with who you are now and stay out of trouble is what he said to me. He said, HEART BREAK is an option, GROW THE HECK UP but quick .... | |
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| Tried
Posted: 7/25/2006 4:59:53 PM | I tried to follow this the best I could and well the more I tell him we can't be friends it hurts me way to much. I fall apart when we talk Knowing I love him and he doesnt think of me anymore than that. It destroys me inside. I have tried no contact and yet he continues?? even though when we talk it hurts. .
So JACK I love you but plz let me heal | |
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| Tried
Posted: 7/25/2006 10:14:29 PM |
I tried to follow this the best I could and well the more I tell him we can't be friends it hurts me way to much. I fall apart when we talk Knowing I love him and he doesnt think of me anymore than that. It destroys me inside. I have tried no contact and yet he continues?? even though when we talk it hurts. .
So JACK I love you but plz let me heal
So write him a simple email telling him that you don't want him to contact you any more.
You have to do this to be strong and heal. If he really wants you, if he realizes how badly he screwed up, the words you are waiting for are:
"I'm so sorry, I made a huge mistake..." and see if he has changed. Even if you get a second chance you have to go slow and start the dating process all over again. Don't let him back in easily or he will take you for granted.
You can't take him back if you are pining over him and missing him. YOU have to be healed first. That's an absolute must. | |
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| Hello Jabar,
Posted: 7/30/2006 6:32:59 PM | I have my own opinion, personally, I think that is the most unrealistic post I have ever read. I think this is so especially for adults who have ex's and who have children. This is all I want to say here at this time because I don't want my life ripped apart on here. If you want to know my story, you can write me.
Life doesn't work in such a cut and dried reality as I have found.
No, I am not in love with my ex.
But thank you for the post and thread. Awesome read.
PrettyLass. | |
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| Hello Jabar,
Posted: 7/30/2006 8:00:18 PM | | PL, it's not for everyone, but if it helps a few people move on, that's great. The post isn't all about second chances, but respecting ourselves.... | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 8/5/2006 5:30:52 AM | Jarbarian
Thank you for your post, I just came across it, and you are so right, I hope everyone whose trying to deal with a broken heart, should cross your post............I have realized why I am so clingy now, I felt I needed to HAVE someone in my life....but you are so right, it's been three weeks now since "the breakup", I've realized that I don't NEED someone in my life, I WANT someone in my life....I felt so guilty because I was told that I didn't have my own independance because I was trying to fill a void in my life therefore I NEEDED to be with my partner often.....but I am confident enough to share this, I WANT someone in my life to share the good and the bad times with, and yes at the same time give them their own space....both partners have to WANT to be together and share things at the same time...when ONE has different ideas of being in a good healthy relationship, then maybe they aren't the ones for you.....you never know what the future might hold, if you set someone free and it was meant to be, it will be....and if they fail to travel your path again, let the anger and hate be and take what you can out of it to help make you a better person for your next encounter....you need to be true to you and only YOU!
Best of luck to everyone | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 8/5/2006 6:01:21 AM | What a great thead.....in my life I never realized how many people have such
poor boundries and how many need to learn what selfrespect means.
Frankly it made me realize how many adults in the world there are who have
no clue what an impact respect for self has on there personal relationships never
mind there children.
I hope every parent here gets that message.........your kids need that tool, that most people already have. And I assume if you find it you will indeed pass the skill to your kids.
And I specificly mean...............self respect and teaching others how to treat you.
Now OP I am gonna contradict ya......devils advocate here.
I did the no contact with my ex and he killed himself.........have you thought about that effect?
Well I have (for six years I've been thinking).................if the person your leaving looses it and commits suicide it sux.( now remember your not that persons keeper)
However........knowing what I know now........I would still play it the same way.
ok Jar..it was from left field.......lol
In my situation had I stayed............I would be dead too.
People realize your life is always........ALWAYS at risk in this situation, you don't
know what that person is capable of.
Sometimes they change and everything you thought wouldn't happen ever becomes a reality.......and it can get pretty ugly pretty fast.
Listen to Jar's advice.............remember no situation is worth risking your life for!!!
I hope you heed his words and learn to set in boundry. Boundry will never
hurt you..........it will save your azz big time. I promise. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 8/5/2006 8:30:07 PM | interesting advice...
well, im not sure if anyones asked this already and 19 pages is a lot to read to find out, but what would you say about breakups that are situation based?
ie: my bf broke up with me earlier this week, seriously sugar coating it by saying that he just had too many other committments (family/friends/work) and didnt have the time to give me the attention i 'deserved' and that it wasnt fair to me and he didnt kno what else to do.. he didnt want me to think he didnt care and he wanted us to be friends, as i wanted as well when the possibility of the relationship reaching this point became evident (better than nothing right?).. we were on a break for a month before the actual breakup and in that time i had resolved that i would go with whatever his decision was because he would only try as hard as he could for the relationship.. but now im regretting not having said anything to try to change his mind, out of the fear of sounding like i was begging and making things harder than they had to be...
i guess i should give some background to the story... we were perfect for 2 years. never fought over anything and had common respect for eachother despite having little in common. We started out casually but were only kidding ourselves cause it was obviously more serious.. at least i thought it was.. so i started talking about getting a place together and thats when things started going bad... i started to realize that it was always me making or initiating plans, even as simple as a date, it started feeling like he just didnt care when the next ones would be... we never really used the phone much.. only msn or in person the one day a week he could free up his schedule.. he started feeling distant when we were together and it felt like he was taking me for granted, but during that break, i realized that i made a huge mistake by turning too clingy out of fear/trying to control what i thought was a changing relationship... but i never got the chance to tell him what i realized my mistakes were before he chose to break up... and the other part of the problem was that ive been trying to survive the quarter life crisis while hes been burnt out from work, and we just couldnt relate to support eachother...
so not to sound like im entirely blaming myself or outside factors, i kno he has a part in it too, but i cant help feeling like i should have done or said more to have prevented this ending from happening... we had such a good thing, and if i can get over thinking of everything we had when i look at his face then id like to be his friend..
i guess my question is: is there anything i can/should do at this point to save/get back what we had?... tell him where i was wrong..? tell him that i'll back off and give him the space he needs as long as we can be together..? accept that hes more passive and try to be less impatient? (hes pisces, im aries :P)..
im sure some of this sounds dumb and im also sure most of it goes against the 'guidelines'.. but this relationship was the one thing id hoped i could count on in my life and bettering myself doesnt feel as fulfilling without that someone special to share my accomplishments with...
(thanks, i kno that was long-winded.. :P) | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 8/6/2006 9:43:02 AM | | My girlfriend just broke up with me on July 17th. She is starting to hang out with other guys. These guys used to be my best friends and all they ever do is get her drunk and take advantage of her. During the day she will call me just to freak about something I didn't even do, but thats only when she's with other people. When she's by herself, like when she calls me at night, she sits there and pours her heart out to me saying how she misses me and wishes we could work it but we just cant anymore is what she says. Then, there is this girl that I was talking to before I got into the relationship and she is the one that hooked us up. Now, I've started talking to her again and my ex gets all upset about it and cries about it. When they see each other it's always a big fight and its so embarassing for both sides. My ex wants me to sit around and only hang out with my guy friends and no girls while she goes out with all these other guys. I really don't know what to do anymore I love her so much and I can't give her up but I just don't know what to do...Can you help me? | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 8/6/2006 9:48:15 AM | Everyday I find myself wanting to talk to her but I can't. Everyday I find myself looking at old pictures of us together and we were so happy. After we broke up on the 17th we got back together on the 31st. Then on August 3rd she said she wanted to be with me but she still wanted to talk to and hang out with the other kid she was seeing during our break up. I can't let her go, I love her more than I've ever loved anybody in my entire life. But is she worth my time and effort? I want her back so bad and I know she kinda wants me back I just don't know anymore...I need some advice asap...thank you | |
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