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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 3/31/2006 10:02:25 AM | First off you are both quite young and for the most part you haven't a clear direction in either of your lives. It's very typical for breakups to occur in your younger years due to the desire to "play the field" so to speak. Don't let the break up get you down or wear away at your confidence or self-esteem.
I guess the reason I am so confused is because there were no deal-breakers that I could see. There may be some things that I've missed, but I think overall we had a great relationship. Maybe it was physical, hes certainly better looking than I am, and he could really be with anyone he wants.
That's being a self-defeatist. If you don't think you are worthy of being with someone, you won't be. And your S/O will pick up on it and start believing it themselves.
"Those who think they can and those who think they can not are BOTH right."
What does it mean when a guy says, "I care about you so much, I could even see us being together forever, I just really don't know if this is love"? Is he saying he really doesn't/didn't love me or is he saying he really doesn't know (I guess its probbly hard to know if you've never been in love before)?
He's just young and confused. He doesn't know what he wants right now. All he knows is that he wants to be free right now to date.
Follow my guide. Work on your confidence and self-esteem. Be a PRIZE! You can not be a prize to someone if you are clinging to them. Be independent. Have your own interest and needs. Have a purpose in your life. Fill your life with friends and happiness. This guy may not be the right guy for you. Regardless: LET GO and assume he is never coming back. Break off contact and move on with your life. If he changes.
For those who don't believe in second chances, I hear you. People change and grow apart. Sometimes we lose who we are in a reationship. We stop being fun, happy go lucky people. I believe second chances work only in the case where people are confused about their feelings and need time to decide and both are willing to work things out.
If only one person has those feelings, well, it isn't going to work. Love requires two dedicated people to survive and thrive.
Good luck to all. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 3/31/2006 8:34:24 PM | Hey y'all.
Thanks a lot for the advice jarbarian, I really appreciate. You're definately right about breaking off contact, though I need a little advice on that. We don't see each other in person, but still email as friends. I did send an email to him the other day saying I thought it was best if we cut off contact. My rationale was that if we did get back in touch, then it wud be because we both want to, and not because of any percieved obligations.
He responded by saying that he would miss me if this were the case, but if its what I really want, then he'll support me. It made me feel like a bit of an ***hole, I don't want him to feel I'm pushing him away, in the same token, I think its kind of unfair for him to say that he'll miss me when I'm trying to cut off from him, knowing that it will be more difficult to stick to my guns.
How do I do this without sounding like an ***hole, or a drama queen? Should I let him know that I want to do this because I think its the best thing for our friendship? Or should I just cut off from him and let him realise its his loss? | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 4/1/2006 8:13:36 PM |
Thanks a lot for the advice jarbarian, I really appreciate. You're definately right about breaking off contact, though I need a little advice on that. We don't see each other in person, but still email as friends. I did send an email to him the other day saying I thought it was best if we cut off contact. My rationale was that if we did get back in touch, then it wud be because we both want to, and not because of any percieved obligations.
No contact is not announced. You simple stop contacting, stop replying, answering calls, text, etc. Disappear for a while. Like, two months.
He responded by saying that he would miss me if this were the case, but if its what I really want, then he'll support me. It made me feel like a bit of an ***hole, I don't want him to feel I'm pushing him away, in the same token, I think its kind of unfair for him to say that he'll miss me when I'm trying to cut off from him, knowing that it will be more difficult to stick to my guns.
You're broken up. He's pushed YOU away already.
How do I do this without sounding like an ***hole, or a drama queen? Should I let him know that I want to do this because I think its the best thing for our friendship? Or should I just cut off from him and let him realise its his loss?
You just do it. You don't announce it. :) | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 4/2/2006 12:14:36 AM | I've put his email address on ignore; you're right about just cutting off, much less complicated.
Thanks for the advice Jarbarian. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 4/2/2006 3:01:07 PM | Good luck. Let me know how it goes.
NC is harder than breaking contact. You'll know you have discipline when you can stick to it.
I know you can. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 4/3/2006 7:39:23 PM | great post....words well said......I think in the end ,the person tryin to do the healing may find they dont want that second chance.....becuz they have outgrown that person | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 4/3/2006 8:29:15 PM |
great post....words well said......I think in the end ,the person tryin to do the healing may find they dont want that second chance.....becuz they have outgrown that person
As our confidence and self-esteem is rebuilt and we learn to set boundaries, we grow as people. And as we grow, we find our taste in the opposite sex can change. It's when that change happens that we grow OUT of dating people that are bad for us and learn to screen in people that are very, very good for us.
When we're in relationships with dysfunctional people it's because we can relate to them -- because we are dysfunctional as well. If we want to attract people who are good for us, we need to work on improving ourselves. Once we do, we'll attract people who are good for us and naturally reject those who aren't. It's part of learning boundaries. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 4/5/2006 10:19:01 AM | Thanks Julian.
That's all you can do, really. Unless you know how to take care of yourself, make yourself happy and have your needs met, you won't be able to do it for anyone else.
It's not self-centered at all.
It's sort of like when you're on an airline flight and they talk about what to do when the oxygen masks come down in flight. What do they tell you?
"Put your mask on first, then assist others."
It's like that in life as well. If you really know to make yourself happy, without needing someone else to do it, you will be able to make others happy as well.
Confident/self-assured/happy men are what women desire. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 4/6/2006 8:36:06 AM | | Thanks Montreal_Guy. I can't take credit for the analogy but felt it was an apropriate example :) | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 4/7/2006 3:18:07 PM | Hey Jarbarian, I just wanted to mention that your advice is incredibly effective. You should also mention that if someone follows your advice to a T, then chances are in the end that they probably won't want to have their ex back. In my case, that was the result.
Also, to add one other thing. There is a website called www.meetup.com which serves all of North America and has listings for thousands of clubs and social groups covering hundreds of interests and topics. It did wonders for me in the "keep busy" department which I believe is vital in the first few months of a breakup. I took up a half-dozen interests and met scores of people which in retrospect helped my healing process tremendously.
Anyway, I'll shut-up now and just say you are a good human being. Too bad more people don't care to go to the trouble for their fellow humans.
TJay | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 4/7/2006 3:46:30 PM |
Hey Jarbarian, I just wanted to mention that your advice is incredibly effective. You should also mention that if someone follows your advice to a T, then chances are in the end that they probably won't want to have their ex back. In my case, that was the result.
Thanks. I'm glad it's helped you. And even if it only helps one person, it's served it's purpose.
And I do believe if you follow the guide and don't want your ex back, it's because you have grown as a person and become more confident. Often when we grow as people we're not attracted to the kinds of people we used to be attracted to. That's because the only reason we could relate to them before is because we were as dysfunctional as they were. Once we've rebuilt our confidence and self-esteem we simply won't allow people like that into our lives anymore.
Also, to add one other thing. There is a website called www.meetup.com which serves all of North America and has listings for thousands of clubs and social groups covering hundreds of interests and topics. It did wonders for me in the "keep busy" department which I believe is vital in the first few months of a breakup. I took up a half-dozen interests and met scores of people which in retrospect helped my healing process tremendously.
Anyway, I'll shut-up now and just say you are a good human being. Too bad more people don't care to go to the trouble for their fellow humans.
I'm deeply humbled, thank you. I've been through this before and all I am really doing is passing along what I've learned from good people who went through this before me.
I appreciate the kind words!  | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 4/10/2006 9:39:20 AM | More clarification on letting go:
Letting Go
"When you forgive you someone you let them off the hook. You are not holding on expecting something in return such as money loaned you will never see again or a thank you that is never coming. When you are unable to forgive someone you can not truly let go. You are holding on to them because you want something from them, even if it's revenge. And as long as you want something from them you will be unable to break your ties to them."
This explains it brilliantly. Whether we are angry, resentful, owed money, owed an apology or whatever, as long as we hold them accountable for it we'll never be able to truly let go. That includes anger such as thoughts of revenge. Forgive them so YOU are able to let go and move on. Forgiving them sets YOU free.
React vs Respond
This one is really simple. When someone crosses your boundary or makes you angry, if you react to them (such as getting angry) you have given control of your emotions over to them. This isn't exclusive to love, it happens in every relationship (work, home, friends, etc). When you respond without reacting you are demonstrating that you are in control and are not going to hand control of your emotions to someone else. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 4/10/2006 10:06:26 AM | | Jarbarian: I don't know where you gathered all this information but I've been sending it all over the internet for my friends and family who need to hear it. It's not all about getting the ex back as you know. It's about moving on. I thank you for what you have gathered. It's priceless and will remain in My Documents. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 4/10/2006 10:23:46 AM | Jarbarian: I don't know where you gathered all this information but I've been sending it all over the internet for my friends and family who need to hear it. It's not all about getting the ex back as you know. It's about moving on. I thank you for what you have gathered. It's priceless and will remain in My Documents.
Thank you very much!
Where I got the info:
Some of it's from books such as "Love Must Be Tough" by Dr. David Dobson (Excellent book btw if you have trouble with boundaries or your marriage is falling apart). Some of it's from David DeAngelo, some of it's from my own personal experience, my Counselor or the experience of others. I basically researched and complied the information I learned and gave it my own spin.
I'm glad that you've been sending it out. I would be interested in hearing feedback from people you've sent it to in order to see if it helped them as well.
BTW: Don't pay for any of those "How to win your ex back" books. They're all a bunch of hype and mumbo jumbo, even the Blaise Harris book whose premise is you lost your ex because you stopped loving them (well Blaise, what do we do when THEY stop loving US????).
Bottom line is once you are healed up you probably won't even want your ex back. When your life is full again, fun and you are happy and confident (and don't NEED someone in your life) someone will find YOU :) | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 4/10/2006 2:53:37 PM | I thought I should add that you are a beautiful man. Thank you for you!
You inspire all of us! | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 4/10/2006 3:12:25 PM | Thank you twilight :)
As long as the guide helps just one person, I feel like I've accomplished something. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 4/14/2006 4:31:55 PM | | That is probably the best thing I have heard since my ex and I broke up for good. We were on and off for the last year but we both counldn't let go. Maybe this time we will, who knows. | |
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Mo-Mo
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Joined: 10/23/2005
Msg: 47 | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 4/15/2006 8:23:46 AM |
WOW
You should write a book.
Well said. kudos to you.
Words to live by
Some of this advice comes from books, some comes from my own personal experience.
If you're having trouble with a marriage or relationship, here is some recommend reading:
1. "Boundaries" (Cloud/Townsend)
2. "Love Must Be Tough" (Dobson)
3. "How to be a Man" (DeAngelo((Obviously just for men,  ))
4. "No More Mr. Nice Guy" (Glover, for men as well)
5. "Love Smart" (Dr. Phil) | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 4/15/2006 10:51:50 AM | Awesome thread, Jarbarian.
When my ex left, (3 yrs ago on Easter) I decided to live by those 'rules'. I never wanted him back, but I wanted MYSELF back and it became the best and fastest way for me to recover. I did try to be friends with him, since we have children.. but his girlfriend said that's not normal and wouldn't allow it. (insert rolling eyes here).
A couple points I'd like to add from a woman's point of view..
Put your make up on and be dressed as pretty as can be, when he's coming to pick up the kids. Buy yourself some fresh flowers and leave them on the table where he can see them from the doorway ; P
If you happen to cross paths at the grocery store, bank, etc. ALWAYS smile.
As it's been said before ... RESIST the urge to talk to him! Let the child answer the phone, if you see your ex on the caller ID. If your child is unavailable, answer with a very happy tone. Be courteous and respectful. Don't offer ANY information about yourself or what you've been doing or what your plans are. Be mysterious ... no matter what.
I hope we can be on friendly terms, someday. It would be great for the kids, if we could. But until he and his new love are comfy with that, I'm not gonna press it. | |
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