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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 8/10/2006 7:54:39 PM | jwaters, you need to invest your time in friends and hobbies. Learn to love who you are and be happy single. Until you know how to make yourself happy single, you will never understand how to make someone else happy.
Read the first post in this thread for ideas. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 8/10/2006 7:57:06 PM |
i guess my question is: is there anything i can/should do at this point to save/get back what we had?... tell him where i was wrong..? tell him that i'll back off and give him the space he needs as long as we can be together..? accept that hes more passive and try to be less impatient? (hes pisces, im aries :P)..
im sure some of this sounds dumb and im also sure most of it goes against the 'guidelines'.. but this relationship was the one thing id hoped i could count on in my life and bettering myself doesnt feel as fulfilling without that someone special to share my accomplishments with...
(thanks, i kno that was long-winded.. :P)
You can't force someone to love you, but you can slowly teach yourself how to love YOU. Back off and give him space. Invest your time in making yourself happy. Hang out with friends, find new hobbies, work out, occupy your time as best you can.
He may come back, he may not. But as long as you forgive him and try your best to move on you will be better off in the long run. For him -- or for someone else. Read the first post in the thread for ideas on how to move on.
Don't occupy your mind with thoughts of getting back together. Instead, focus on a future that includes just you. Figure out what makes you happy and go for it! | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 8/10/2006 8:00:56 PM |
Now OP I am gonna contradict ya......devils advocate here.
I did the no contact with my ex and he killed himself.........have you thought about that effect?
You are not responsible for what other people do. Never blame yourself for someone else committing suicide. IF he told you he would, did you notify someone who could get him help?
Well I have (for six years I've been thinking).................if the person your leaving looses it and commits suicide it sux.( now remember your not that persons keeper)
Exactly. He put himself in that position. All you can do is see that he gets help but you are not reponsible for what other people do to themselves. If the relationship isn't working you have an obligation to yourself to get out of it. He suffered from co-dependency. It's not your fault.
I feel badly for you that things ended that way but rest assured it is not your fault. NC is the best way to move on (after you have forgiven them) and yes, sometimes sad things like this will happen. The sooner people realize they do not NEED someone to be happy the better off they will be.
Again, I am sorry for your loss but it is not your fault. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 8/11/2006 10:17:23 PM | Jarbarian,
what are your tips once you get back in contact?
(I broke up with my ex cause he was not sure or confused)
Now, a few months later, my ex asked couple of times to meet for dinner. I did when I felt strong again. It was fun and we had a good connection... He asked how i felt about him.... tried to turn the question...and later he asked again... (i did not give him an answer either - i just saw him the first time in a few months and really did not know)
next day he went on family vacation and contacted me a few times...
(told me it was nice seeing me...)
i know he is back since a few days. but has not contacted me.
i was disapointed... but for now i am going to concentrate on my life & see what comes from him...
i figured i will put it aside, have fun, and i will hear soon enough whatever he has to say...
i dont understand him turning hot and cold....
what are your tips when you reconnect with ex? any guidelines?
Thanks! | |
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RJB888
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Joined: 11/23/2005
Msg: 480 | |
| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 8/12/2006 9:02:16 AM | Jarbarian
God I wish I would have come across your thread months ago. Would have saved me so much heart break. Long story short. 12 years, lived together, the last 4 his behavoir started changing. Started hanging out with some new guys from his place of work, alot younger than him. He wasn't coming home until 4 in the morning. He began the disrepectfull "shop talk". Drinking more and more. In public he would treat me badly in front of our friends. Came to the point I wouldn't go any where with him because of his verbal treatment. I desperatly tried talking with him about the problem. Communitcation and showing emotions are difficut for him. The relationship ended badly. I tried the no communitcation. Started to date ( not sex ) other men. When he would find out he would want me back. I would go back, after a month or so he didn't want me. I'd started dating again. He'd come back. This went on for 18 months. He knew that I still loved him, but I was tring to get on with my life. Then he came to me and said he can't be with other women, he compares all women to me, he loved only me and was committed to working this out. A month later he dumped me. I was devastated, betrade, and pissed as all hell. Two weeks later he tells me he has found someone else. I realized that he was hanging on to me until he could get over the break up by finding someone else and move on. He has now been with this other woman 3 months, he states he's is in love with her. I now feel so angry at myself for allowing him to do this to me. I'm in a constant state of heart ache. He wants to be friends. The worst part is he still has alot of his "stuff" in my house and garage, and we have a dog that we both love dearly. So he's constantly over here picking up a few things at a time, and to see the dog. I'm at my witts end. I want him to take all his stuff now,and get him out of my life for good, even though I am still deeply in love with him. How do I tell him he can't be with his dog. Should I just say tuff shit you no longer can see the dog, just to get on with my life. I know I can not be friends with him, I still love him. But he is toxic for me. I was holding on to what was good, now when I think of him I think of the bad things he did to me and I just want to rip his face off. To top it off he found out I was diagnosed with uterine cancer, I had the surgery I'm clean of the cancer. But he's calling several times a week "is there anything I can do, anything you need?" At this point I'd rather be dead of the cancer than to deal with this heartbreak. Second chances never work, neither do 3rd or 4th chances.
I've printed out your original post and will read it several times a day until I get through this. Thanks for your thread. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 8/12/2006 3:34:11 PM |
Jarbarian,
what are your tips once you get back in contact?
Treat it like a new relationship and start from scratch. If you go back to where you left off you'll fall into the same patterns. You have to approach a second chance like it's a new person and evaluate them all over again.
(I broke up with my ex cause he was not sure or confused)
Now, a few months later, my ex asked couple of times to meet for dinner. I did when I felt strong again. It was fun and we had a good connection... He asked how i felt about him.... tried to turn the question...and later he asked again... (i did not give him an answer either - i just saw him the first time in a few months and really did not know)
next day he went on family vacation and contacted me a few times...
(told me it was nice seeing me...)
i know he is back since a few days. but has not contacted me.
i was disapointed... but for now i am going to concentrate on my life & see what comes from him...
i figured i will put it aside, have fun, and i will hear soon enough whatever he has to say...
i dont understand him turning hot and cold....
what are your tips when you reconnect with ex? any guidelines?
You broke up because he was confused about you or the relationship? You have to find out what he wants/expects and you have to communicate what you want and expect before you even think about getting back together again.
If you still aren't on the same page a reconcilliation would be worthless. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 8/12/2006 3:39:49 PM |
How do I tell him he can't be with his dog. Should I just say tuff shit you no longer can see the dog, just to get on with my life. I know I can not be friends with him, I still love him. But he is toxic for me. I was holding on to what was good, now when I think of him I think of the bad things he did to me and I just want to rip his face off. To top it off he found out I was diagnosed with uterine cancer, I had the surgery I'm clean of the cancer. But he's calling several times a week "is there anything I can do, anything you need?" At this point I'd rather be dead of the cancer than to deal with this heartbreak. Second chances never work, neither do 3rd or 4th chances.
May I ask you a question? How much longer do you feel you should suffer? At what point will you say "Enough is enough?" He played with your heart and disrespected you. I do not have any problem with you boxing up ALL of his stuff and putting in out front for him to get. Don't tell him he can't see the dog anymore, just disappear from his life. Don't answer calls or emails. You need to erase all traces of him (pictures, photos, phone numbers, etc). You need to grieve like normal but remember to tell yourself this: "Why would I want to invest a second of my time on someone who doesn't want to be with me?"
Forgive him so you can let go, grieve, then move on. Follow the steps in the guide (reconnect with friends, invest in new hobbies, work out, etc). Life will get better and just take it one day at a time. The pain won't release suddenly but rather gradually as you start to fill your life with more valuable activities.
As someone who stuggles a lot with it myself, I had to LEARN to tell myself "stop thinking about her, she doesn't give a damn about you..." Learn to do the same.
I've printed out your original post and will read it several times a day until I get through this. Thanks for your thread.
I'm glad it's helping you. Follow it as closely as you can but not with the expectation of getting back together -- but breaking yourself free. | |
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RJB888
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Joined: 11/23/2005
Msg: 483 | |
| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 8/12/2006 3:52:03 PM | Jarbarian
In my first post, regarding our dog is it fair to keep him from the animal he loves? I know it's not like when couples have children. But he loves our dog. I did speak with hime today ( taking your advise of N/C )I told him that I can not be friends with him, and he has to remove all of his "stuff" ASAP. He tried to talk to me about it, that he doesn't want us not to be friends, he couldn't imagine us never speaking with each other. I cut the conversation at that point and just told I have to move on and no longer wanted any contact with him. His tone of voice was very sad. I said good bye. I'm still crying over this because I never thought I would go through life without him on some level. But I've read your thread several times already today, LET GO. Not for a second chance but to move on and find the right person for me. Again reagrding our dog I'm I being cruel to him? | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 8/12/2006 4:22:56 PM |
In my first post, regarding our dog is it fair to keep him from the animal he loves?
It's YOUR dog now, not his.
I know it's not like when couples have children. But he loves our dog. I did speak with hime today ( taking your advise of N/C )I told him that I can not be friends with him, and he has to remove all of his "stuff" ASAP. He tried to talk to me about it, that he doesn't want us not to be friends, he couldn't imagine us never speaking with each other.
Do you know why ex's want to remain friends? There are many reasons but here are a few:
1. They want to relieve their own guilt (Hey, if they are still my friend then they aren't sad or angry at me!)
2. To keep you on a string in case they want to come back later. In the meantime you do not heal, you do not move forward with your life. You're their "backup plan/plan B"
3. As a fall back in case they need a favor such as money, a place to stay, etc.
Don't you deserve better?
I cut the conversation at that point and just told I have to move on and no longer wanted any contact with him. His tone of voice was very sad. I said good bye. I'm still crying over this because I never thought I would go through life without him on some level. But I've read your thread several times already today, LET GO. Not for a second chance but to move on and find the right person for me. Again reagrding our dog I'm I being cruel to him?
No, I do not think you are being cruel. Cutting him off and going NC with him will allow you to move on with your life. Just as he is moving on with his. He was pretty cruel to you keeping you around until he found someone else. I'm not saying "eye for an eye" here, I am saying that in order to move on with your life, this is something you MUST do. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 8/12/2006 4:29:45 PM | I broke up because he was not sure. about me or the relationship? probably both... he thought he had to think about marriage and said he was not ready. I did not want marriage and never asked of it... but just him being so unsure ... i could not stay in it. it made me unsecure and unhappy... i broke it off... he wanted to think about it....
i know i want a real commited relationship that does not exclude marriage down the road if the relationship works. i dont want marriage now i need to first see that the relationship works great....
its hard to communicate to him now for me. i want to hear from him first how he feels about us before i make myself vulnerable. he took me by surprise asking me how i feel about him. and i was not ready to answer...
right now i just want to look out for myself and do what feels right for me.
i do still like him and see a chance -- but I do need him to come to me and tell me
what he is feeling now. he was the one unsure.... at the same time i dont want to shut the doors by protecting myself...
i definately will stop thinking about reconcilliation... and maybe just view it as closure... and see what he is thinking
my other question is: why is he so hot and then so cold?
i am going out with friends tonight and know i will have a good time...
if he is not the one for me, i know i will meet someone else...
thanks for your advise! | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 8/12/2006 5:38:22 PM |
why is he so hot and then so cold?
Committment phobe, most likely. Honestly, that is a demon he has to slay on his own. He may never commit to any one woman. Knowing this, is there a reason to hang on to him or perhaps find someone much better suited for you?
Think about that one a bit ;) | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 8/13/2006 1:24:45 AM | OMG! This thread is still alive???
Well, I followed Jarbarian's advice. As promised, there were no guarantee's. It didn't work out. They usually don't.
My advice:
"A breakup is like a broken mirror, better to leave it broken than to hurt yourself trying to fix it." | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 8/13/2006 10:54:13 AM | Some do, some don't. But, if you follow the advice you will heal faster and be a stronger person because of it.
Some poeple we meet in our lives were never meant to be with us through our entire life. They have a role to fill. To teach us something and to move on.
I think my Ex was in that role. She taught me a lot about myself...and now she is no longer a part of my life. That's good though because I am looking forward to the next chapter, not looking back with regret. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 8/13/2006 1:38:39 PM | Jarbarian....why are you single again? I have yet to see you post something that isn't platinum!   | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 8/13/2006 1:40:38 PM | Why is he hot and cold....?
I don't know if you really want to hear it.
It sounds like he is using your vulnerability against you. Knowing that you will always be there whenever he needs a security blanket and a mother. The best thing that you are doing right now is not marrying him. He is checking out other options to see if he can make it with anyone else.
If not. He is going to come crawling back to you. It is an insecurity issue on his part. He is really insecure with himself. All the while he is making you insecure with yourself always happening to guess at what he is thinking and feeling. It is head games hun. That is all it is. I don't know how long you have been with this guy, but I can tell you this. When a man is ready to marry you, and spend the rest of his life with you. You will not have to wonder how he feels. You will know how he feels. That my friend is security. Be strong for yourself, and run away!!!! There is nothing greater than having him as a friend without all the baggage. Going out with friends is the best thing to do....Sorry for my advice. I just couldn't help it. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 8/13/2006 2:11:15 PM |
Jarbarian....why are you single again? I have yet to see you post something that isn't platinum!
Simple. You can't force someone to love you.... I got the dreaded "I love you but I am not IN love with you" line. She's not normal. I don't know why I loved her to tell the truth. She couldn't communicate well, doesn't display love the way you'd expect normal people do. Yes, she was very attractive on the outside but inside she is confused and withdrawn. When she did display emotions she was very loveable.
I guess it comes down to the simple fact that I picked the wrong woman for me. I'm ok with that. We do it all the time. But what I have learned from this experience will make me much stronger and better off for the next woman that comes into my life.
Appreciate the kind comments. Just passing along what I have learned. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 8/13/2006 2:44:19 PM | | ugh...that dreaded line rears it's head again. Up there with being friends. Well...it's a scary thought and a horrifying feeling at the very least to watch that transformation infront of your very eyes. Weird how we always take it as an instantaneous change, but when we look back on it, it was going on for far longer than we wished to believe when push came to shove... | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 8/13/2006 2:51:55 PM |
ugh...that dreaded line rears it's head again. Up there with being friends. Well...it's a scary thought and a horrifying feeling at the very least to watch that transformation infront of your very eyes. Weird how we always take it as an instantaneous change, but when we look back on it, it was going on for far longer than we wished to believe when push came to shove...
Red flag/signals were there from the get go. I just chose to ignore them. I won't be doing that again. Wasted two years of my life on a confused woman who will probably be single the rest of her life.
She has an overly romantic expectation of what love and marriage is all about. In a way, I feel sorry for her. She was hurt when she was younger and she's carried that pain around since then and it's interfering with her ability to love. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 8/13/2006 4:26:42 PM | two tears floated down the river and bumped up against each other.
the first tear said 'i am the tear of a woman who lost her love.'
the second tear said 'i am the tear of the woman who found him' | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 8/13/2006 7:52:24 PM | Shanana,
I do want to hear it -- not sure how much i want to believe it...
thanks for you input -- i am deciding on my next steps..
here is my story & what i am doing about it:
we have been together for 5 (total 7) years. at one point he wanted to marry me... but i was not sure... (long-distance relationship & i was confused by someone i was very attracted to but did not love) I was not that nice to my now ex-bf... he broke up with me a year later...
i know it was a really hard time for him and i took the break-up hard....
in the end we did the best for a long-long-distance
we ended in the same city. he said he missed me all this time... but he was not open for love... he said he did not feel like he did then when he was so in love with me.... well of course not... he could not take the step that we would have a serious relationship....
for him that next step was marriage - for which he was not ready. for me just a serious or commited relationship... (he was not seeing other women)
i realized whatever his commitment issue and what the next step really is did not matter that much... what mattered was that he was not sure... and i was sure i wanted not to be in a relationship that unsure... so i broke off with him (and he was not sure of that either... and wanted to think about it)
i am also have been his only serious girlfriend he had....
well we are broken off.. and we both have been dating others...
(i am more looking for new inspiring friendships and if one turns out into something more great)
he is looking at a better deal.... (my take)
after few months i saw him and we had great time....telling me dates are not fun... sees how great i have been. wanted to know how i felt about him... (i did not know)
i still like him... so its yet hard to comletly shut the doors...
but i am only considering reconcilliation if he is sure about me....
and in the meantime i am going out and who knows maybe i meat someone great...
(definately not shutting doors on other great men)
so i have yet to figure out if this is healthy enough for me... | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 8/14/2006 9:21:56 AM | Jarbarian,
Not sure if you remember me or not...I had some earlier posts on this forum and then decided to delete my account but now I'm back to do some venting and maybe get some further advice on a situation that seems hopeless at the very best.
My ex and I did get back together after our initial break-up but nothing had really changed. I followed your "rules" and they worked like a charm, especially the no contact. Much like your ex, my ex also confused and recently told me that she doesn't think we're meant to be together for the long haul. She still wants to move back East to be by her family and friends and doesn't see me in the picture. She was also vey loveable when we were together but everything about us was temporary and that just made me feel like total crap. The long distance thing and the fact that she is a co-worker also didn't help things. I was finding myself doing everything possible just to be with her. Last minute flights to UT, driving 9+ hours to see her for a couple of days, etc. It wasn't healthy and I certainly was not a prioirty of hers by any means. I have to give her props for being forthrigh but I was just fooling myself in thinking I could be second best or simply temporary.
So I did what I think anyone with any self worth would have done, I ended it. I had just about enough when she told me that she doesn't see us together permananently (why I am I wasting my time?). I then asked her why do you want to keep this going? I got the proverbial "I don't know and I'm not ready to let you go." But she does know she loves me and thinks I'm a great guy and blah, blah, blah. This just wasn't good enough anymore. She is unsure of herself and like your ex may also end up alone in the long run.
So now I'm back to being single and doing things to make me happy. This break-up is a metaphorial moutain I knew in my heart I would have to scale again once I was ready to call it quits (it was inevitable). I feel good about my decision but my heart is once again bruised and the only consolation I have is that I did my best and some things just truly aren't meant to be. I do also, like you, take refuge in the Lord and have asked him to take this burden off my hands so I can move on with my healing.
One day at at time. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 8/14/2006 9:43:05 AM | Avid, sorry it didn't work out. One rule of thumb in dating I think is the key.
"Don't believe what someone tells you, believe what they show you."
Her actions speak louder than her words. My ex was the same way. She'd say what I wanted to hear but would not act accordingly. Her actions showed me how she truly felt. Your ex was doing the same.
I am glad you had the strength to walk away. Be good to yourself. You know you deserve better.
I was just advising a friend the other day who keeps going out of his way to do things for a woman and she is slowly being turned off by it. I had to show him "See, you're doing things to gain this woman's approval and all it is doing is pushing her away!" He is finally starting to see that.
Gotta love and respect yourself before anyone else will. This woman you are seeing is just like my ex. Confused, doesn't know what she wants and in the meantime if you stay attached your heart will be dragged through the mud as well.
You know you deserve better. Break away for good. Heal yourself up and rebuild your confidence and self-esteem. Don't use NC to get her back. Use it to heal as quickly as you can without her interfering.
I told my ex "Hey, as much as I love you, I can't be your friend and I can not have contact with you...." Of course she didn't like that (being friends in her mind relieves her guilt) but that's what I have to do. It's what I want. I would be unable to date freely, to give myself to someone else, as long as I had any attachment to my ex.
I hope it works out of for you. If anything you have learned a lot about what you will accept or not accept in a relationship. The experience is painful, but a very valuable lesson. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 8/14/2006 12:11:40 PM | Great Post.. but it is EXACTLY the same material in the online book "GET-Your_X back" by Bob Grant.
Wish I hadn't bought the dam book.. could have gotten the same advise for free here!
At least everyone else is benefiting by it for free. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 8/14/2006 2:14:24 PM | I've never read a "get your ex back" book but I imagine human psychology hasn't changed much. My advice comes from personal experience, Counseling, books on human psychology and talking to others who have succeeded (and failed) with getting their ex's back.
If you notice, this thread has as much to do with HEALING YOURSELF than anything else. A healed, healthy, happy, self-confident person more than likley will not want an ex back who does not want them.
Love's a two way street. Gotta have both sides on the same page or is isn't going to work. | |
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