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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 8/21/2006 11:41:35 AM | | OK I HAVE AN EX THAT I DATED FOR 2 YEARS AND WE HAVE A 7 MONGHT OLD. OK HERE IS THE THING I BEEN CLINGY FOR LIKE 3.5 WEEKS. I JUST WANTED TO KNOW, IS IT TOO LATE TO TRY WHAT YOU SAID ABOUT THE N.C RULE??? | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 8/21/2006 11:46:55 AM | No, it's never too late but in your case you're in a predicament. You have a child together. If he has any parental rights at all, you will have to communicate with him.
In that case I would suggest you keep the communication strictly to the child and do not engage in any small talk. Once the conversation is finished about your child, end the call or emails.
If you have to see him face to face, the same rules apply. It will be hard to do but in this case if you are trying to move on with your life the less you have to interact with your ex the better. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 8/21/2006 11:04:58 PM | Jarbarian,
This post you made is excellent. I have a very unique case though. I am heartbroken over an ex. My ex's brother is a good friend of mine. He introduced us to each other. My ex and I have been broken up for over a year now. We have no contact with each other whatsoever. This sounds perfect and would make it so easy for me to get over her. Outta sight outta mind, right?
The problem is this: my friend got layed off a few months ago and had to move in with his sister while he goes back to school. He doesn't have a car either. So whenever we hang out I have to go pick him up at my ex's house. I always wait for him outside, but imagine how I must feel driving all the way over there and having to wait outside. All those feelings for her rush right back to me. It feels horrible to know that everytime I pick up my friend she knows about it and is staying inside to avoid me. Even if my friend was to meet me somewhere nearby I would still feel the same because of the driving route. Besides this, everytime I see or talk to my friend my feelings for his sister rush right back to me because I can't help but think of her when I talk to or see my friend. The logical solution would be to end my friendship with my friend so I wouldn't be reminded of her. But we've known each other for about 10 years now and he's a good friend who is not worth of losing a friendship with. Would do you suggest?? Your suggestions are greatly appreciated.
Thank you,
Ralph | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 8/21/2006 11:15:21 PM |
The problem is this: my friend got layed off a few months ago and had to move in with his sister while he goes back to school. He doesn't have a car either. So whenever we hang out I have to go pick him up at my ex's house. I always wait for him outside, but imagine how I must feel driving all the way over there and having to wait outside. All those feelings for her rush right back to me.
It's been a year and you are still not over her. You need to forgive her and take whatever steps to get over her that you need to. (See below).
It feels horrible to know that everytime I pick up my friend she knows about it and is staying inside to avoid me. Even if my friend was to meet me somewhere nearby I would still feel the same because of the driving route. Besides this, everytime I see or talk to my friend my feelings for his sister rush right back to me because I can't help but think of her when I talk to or see my friend. The logical solution would be to end my friendship with my friend so I wouldn't be reminded of her. But we've known each other for about 10 years now and he's a good friend who is not worth of losing a friendship with. Would do you suggest?? Your suggestions are greatly appreciated.
Well, you aren't going to like my advice but here goes.
You need to wean out the people in your life that remind you of your ex. With me, I had to wean myself off my ex's family. We were close, like REAL family. They love me, I love them. However maintaining a friendship with them was keeping me from healing. My ex hated that her family loved me - and it got in the way of her relationship with her parents. And you know what, it was MY fault. I should have ended the friendship with her parents sooner. I mean, they are HER parents, not mine. It's selfish of me to try and maintain that relationship. Besides, her mom would try and feed her information about me and me information about her. All that did was make us resent each other more.
In your case, you need to stop hanging out with this friend and find some new ones to occupy your time. Even when your friend moves out from his sisters. He is a constant reminder of her and as such, just him being around you will not allow you to heal.
Unfortunately I believe this is best for you. At least until you are completely over her AND dating someone else. Then I think you can at some point rebuild your friendship.
You see, your desire to remain friends with her brother is why you haven't been able to heal. Until you break all connections to her, including her brother, you will remain in a perpetual state of heartbreak.
Break it off, heal completely, make NEW friends, get new hobbies, go the gym and when you feel stronger, start dating other women. The sooner you set this plan in motion the sooner you will heal.
I'm sorry, but I really think in your case this is the best thing to do. It's not pretty, it's not fun but for your OWN mental health, I think it's the best for you -- right now. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 8/22/2006 1:01:28 AM | Jarbarian,
Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. It isn't what I wanted to hear, but it completely makes sense. Your suggestion is the best solution. You know this from first hand experience with your ex's family.
You hit it on the nail when you said, "Your desire to remain friends with her brother is why you haven't been able to heal." You're right! Whenever he calls to hang out I rush over there to pick him up not so much for him but more for secretly hoping my ex will change her mind about me by being reminded of me. But now I see this is wrong and just plain wishful thinking. After no contact with her for just over a year I decided to try one last indirect attempt at reconcillation a few weeks ago. I sent her a real, nice vacation souvenir with her brother. I had hoped this would have softened her heart and may have changed her mind, but it didn't. Instead of him telling me of her reaction, I had to ask him. He told me "Oh, she said thanks. She said it was nice." I could tell that he just said that out of embarrassment for her. I was then convinced there's no chance whatsoever. Writing all this out and talking to you is so therapeutic. Once again, thank you for your advice. I know I will prevail. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 8/22/2006 8:34:24 AM | I'm sorry and I know how you feel. Breaking off a friendship seems at first selfish but in reality, it's quite necessary for you. Nobody on this earth is going to take care of you. You have to objectively decide what is best for YOU at this moment.
You hit it on the nail when you said, "Your desire to remain friends with her brother is why you haven't been able to heal." You're right! Whenever he calls to hang out I rush over there to pick him up not so much for him but more for secretly hoping my ex will change her mind about me by being reminded of me.
Yep. It means you are "hanging on to hope" that she will change her mind. Not good for the healing process. Your mind wants to get over her but your heart will not let go until the relationship with her brother is put on hold - perhaps (and unfortunately) permanently.
But now I see this is wrong and just plain wishful thinking. After no contact with her for just over a year I decided to try one last indirect attempt at reconcillation a few weeks ago. I sent her a real, nice vacation souvenir with her brother. I had hoped this would have softened her heart and may have changed her mind, but it didn't. Instead of him telling me of her reaction, I had to ask him. He told me "Oh, she said thanks. She said it was nice." I could tell that he just said that out of embarrassment for her. I was then convinced there's no chance whatsoever.
The best clue you gave was her "hiding" from you every time you came over. She wants to move on with her life and you aren't letting her -- or yourself.
Writing all this out and talking to you is so therapeutic. Once again, thank you for your advice. I know I will prevail.
You will and you will be fine. You just need to discern what is best for you and that is NO CONTACT with your ex or anyone that would give you indirect contact with her. That means her brother, other family members or even mutual friends. That does not mean you have to give up all your friends it just means that you'll have to make new ones. And that process in and of itself can help heal you.
New friends can introduce you to other women with whom you might start a relationship with.
But, I will say the first thing you need to do is work on healing. Follow the steps in the guide that will lead you toward the path of freedom from your ex. Focus on yourself and why you are so attached to one person (yes, I know you love her but you don't NEED her! You can live just fine without her in your life. Be happy single first, love who you are and you'll be able to love someone else -- the right way.) Rebuild your confidence and self-esteem.
I usually recommend "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by David Glover because in addition to helping men get rid of "door mat" behavior he also shows you how to have an EFFECTIVE and HEALTHY relationship with women.
Best of luck. You WILL be fine. I know it. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 8/22/2006 8:10:36 PM | Excellent words, Jarbarian.
I've been following this thread rather closely as a visitor to this site for the past several weeks since I found this thread in a Google search on second chances. Your advice and the responses of many here have really helped me through my situation of the last six weeks or so. I "met" someone on virtually my first day at another online dating site. We exchanged e-mails daily for nearly a month after we started communicating and even tried to set up a phone conversation twice without success because of outside circumstances. We really appeared to have a lot in common and seemed to have a great connection from the start.
However, she had to cut off communication because she was starting a new job and wanted to focus on that, a perfectly understandable reason that I wholeheartedly support. I guess I had allowed myself to become too deeply attached to her, in large part due to my rookie inexperience with online dating, because her statement that she needed to not further our relationship (her words, not mine) struck me as nothing less than a breakup. (Can I call it a breakup if we'd only been communicating via daily e-mails for a mere month? But then, she did call our communication a 'relationship.') Hence the search that found this thread on second chances.
Recognizing that our separation has all the earmarks of an issue of terrible timing for her life and appears to have nothing to do with any issues internal to our relationship--we really enjoyed exchanging e-mails for the short time that we did and looked forward to pursuing deeper communication--it looks as if the probability of us reconnecting down the road is a bit higher if I follow the advice given here on this thread. (For one, even though she initiated the break, I made it a mutual agreement despite my emotional pain because I wanted her to be able to focus on adapting to her new job.) It took me a few weeks, but I finally did dust myself off and return to my normally positive outlook on life, and I feel confident moving on and pursuing online communication with other women. I really would like to take another shot at reconnecting with this first match in a couple of months, but I'm also quite happy pursuing connections with other matches. (If anything, I'm no longer a rookie at online dating and should know much better what I'm doing and what to expect.)
Thanks again, Jarbarian, for your encouraging advice. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 8/22/2006 8:51:11 PM | Jarbarian,
Once again, thank you so much for the advice. I will take it to heart. Even though we know what we should do in our mind our heart sometimes overrides it. That's when we have to be stronger and use logic over emotion. Sometimes you need someone to tell you the truth straight up when it comes to advice to wake us up. You're very generous in taking time to read this and responding. You should get into psychology. Thanks again and have a great day. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 8/22/2006 8:57:52 PM | Thanks Ralph and Peter :)
You should get into psychology
I'm sure a few here would disagree but I digress. My advice is never 100% accurate because I can not control someone's ex (If I could, I'd be a millionaire!) but I can say generally how human behavior reacts to certain situations.
Bottom line with this whole thread is: If you chase them, they will run. If you beg, they will run. If you do anything that shows to your S/O that you are not worthy, they will believe you.
People generally don't believe what you say, they believe what you do.
Respect and love who you are and so will others. There's no need to go overboard to do something for someone else when simply being in each other's company should be good enough.
Never buy love, it doesn't work.
Breaks ups are a natural part of life. We're not meant to be with everyone we meet but everyone we do date is there to teach us something and then move on until we've grown and matured enough to finally find our lifelong mate.
Keep your chin up, life does get better, I guarantee it. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 8/24/2006 2:50:10 PM | Yes I do want a second chance with my ex, what is the best thing too do by chance? He doesn't mind me sending him e-mails, and he has started too open up with me and is on my buddy list and over the weekend started too chat with me a little online, But I have too tell him something in person and it means alot too me ! But I can't tell him online it has too be said face to face..
Please help me what should I do ?
Lovelyone   | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 8/24/2006 3:04:10 PM | | Hey, thanks allot for responding to my thread. Everyone seems to understand what works best and that's what I need right now, obviously the previous arrangement wasn't working. I think the best thing is we all know what we need to do it's just doing it, so I'm printing this up and posting it where I can review it daily. Thanks again. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 8/24/2006 7:35:01 PM |
Yes I do want a second chance with my ex, what is the best thing too do by chance? He doesn't mind me sending him e-mails, and he has started too open up with me and is on my buddy list and over the weekend started too chat with me a little online, But I have too tell him something in person and it means alot too me ! But I can't tell him online it has too be said face to face..
Please help me what should I do ?
Lovelyone
I'm just speaking from my own recent experience here, so I don't know if this applies to your specific situation. Have you addressed the issues that caused you and your ex to break up, particularly your issues? (You can't worry about his.) Have you changed? Has he changed? Have your circumstances changed? Unless you and your ex have addressed the issues that caused you to separate and made changes where necessary, you probably shouldn't seek a second chance. Of course, maybe I'm not exactly answering your question. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 8/24/2006 7:40:25 PM | | OP, the odds of a second chance to work are 5%? Wow, I didn’t know they were that high! | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 8/24/2006 9:48:49 PM |
OP, the odds of a second chance to work are 5%? Wow, I didn’t know they were that high!
The information I gathered, it was pretty close to 5%. Both have to want it to work though. The thing about second chances is, if only one person wants it, the chances of it succeeding are nil.
Takes two to tango, they say... | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 8/25/2006 11:14:04 PM | | WOW it took me more than 3 years, a lot of time, money and effort to figured all this out! Thanks for taking the time to post this vital info for men/women. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 8/27/2006 7:26:12 PM | I am trying to figure out if I need a second chance. I had an affair for 7 years, while my intimate relationship in the marriage to a much older guy does not exist and the divorce is just a formality.
The guy I was seeing divorced , then we became even closer and one day he just told me that I was just sex and he will be dating someone. We kept meeting each other, he is my only friend per say. So finally I just stopped talking to him last month. It is really hard for me, I became judgemental toward others. I love him but I will never trust him again. I do not believe that we can be friends. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 8/27/2006 11:28:18 PM | Six Sigma, you had an affair with someone. He knew you were married and thus he treated you like a FWB. I'm sorry but that is very typical of relationships built on a shaky foundation.
Sounds like he didn't take the relationship seriously from the beginning...
No you can not be friends with someone you are in love with. It's impossible. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 8/28/2006 12:24:54 AM | | I broke up with my ex 6 months ago, it broke my heart but i had to choose between staying home with my dad and helping his company, or coming back to edmonton to plan the wedding, my dad said that it would only be a couple of weeks, five months later I was still helping him out and running his company while he got his stuf figured out. my ex didn't understand why I couldn't choose my life over my dads. the last words he said to me were its over. then a month ago he called to know where I had put his skates. i told him, and then he called the next week and asked if I knew where his favorite hat had been packed, I had no idea, we were talking for about an hour, and I didn't tell him really anything about my life, while he told me everything, about his new girl friend, his new ob, his new truck, and his new house. The thing is every day since we broke up I haven't stopped thinking about him,I never called anything. I used our break up to change my life. I bought a jeep, cut my hair, and applied to school. I still love him but I haven't tortured myself over him, and I was wondering if being away from him has inspired me to change my life for the better, if its worth trying for a second chance. He told me that he loved me like the first day he loved me. is that an opening for a second chance or should i respect the new girlfriend and ignore him? or should I marry the man i love? | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 8/28/2006 3:11:13 AM | I feel in a very akward sutuation. We had been friends for so long and chatting almost every day for about 7 years. He works on the net and is around often. When he divorced we started meeting every week in person. Then about 2 years ago he said he will be dating and tried to break up but I would not let go and we kept meeting. When I try to move on and he would look for me on the the net. Intimatewise sex became better then it ever. Then out of the blue he said she moved in with him. We met only once since and kept chatting. We were about to meet again and I backed off - whats the point.When he decided to date, I told him that I love him and that he should give it at least a chance - it was like talking to a brick wall. He kept putting boundries between un. He started being irritated that I was ignorring that existance of the girlfriend and started inventing things like to reason with himself. He even wrote me that he never said that he loves me and it was just sex and I am imagining things. The latest news was that it did not work out between us because we fight all the time and how can we fight - we hardly ever meet and when we meet we spend the time in bed. Then he found it wriong that evfery time we meet we had sex, I mean this is plain weird statement for me.
I was told that deeply down in my mind I have decided that he is my perfect mate and I would not let go. At the same time a relationship like that is based on a lie if it does not work out. I wonder why it lasted so long - 7 years.
Right now I just want to forget about it. I tried to meet new people but it was quite dissapointing. I look very good, very well educated , professional. It is easy for me to meet other people but not easy to relate to them. I mean the chemistry is just not there.
I wonder how long will this last. Going to Europe in 2 weeks - this willm freshen me up , I hope..... gee last trip I spend chatting with him on the net ... it feels like curse | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 8/28/2006 10:33:20 AM |
I still love him but I haven't tortured myself over him, and I was wondering if being away from him has inspired me to change my life for the better, if its worth trying for a second chance. He told me that he loved me like the first day he loved me. is that an opening for a second chance or should i respect the new girlfriend and ignore him? or should I marry the man i love?
All failed relations are stepping stones to BETTER ones. We live, we love, we learn and we move on.
He has a new girlfriend, so I would ignore him. If he really loved you he would have understood why you felt you needed to help your family.
If he wanted a second chance he would not have started dating someone else. In this case, YOU are in the driver's seat. You know he loves you -- yet he is sleeping with someone else. I would just continue to grow as an individual. Date other guys without getting physical with them and see what life has to offer.
The thing is, you know what he is like and before you commit to anything I think you need to really find YOU and be comfortable and happy with who you are. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 8/28/2006 10:36:41 AM |
Right now I just want to forget about it. I tried to meet new people but it was quite dissapointing. I look very good, very well educated , professional. It is easy for me to meet other people but not easy to relate to them. I mean the chemistry is just not there.
At this point you have no choice but to forget about him. My advice to you is to cut off all contact with him. Delete/block him from your IM, delete his emails and block his emails, delete his phone number and get rid of anything that reminds you of him. You need to start fresh.
Once you get rid of the reminders of him then follow the guide I posted on the very first post of this thread.
You can not possibly have chemistry with someone else when you're still pining of this man....
I wonder how long will this last. Going to Europe in 2 weeks - this willm freshen me up , I hope..... gee last trip I spend chatting with him on the net ... it feels like curse
You need to let him go and stop worrying about what he is doing or where he is going. None of that should concern you anymore. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 8/28/2006 2:50:02 PM | hey bro tell me what u think of this.
i was in a relationship for almost two yrs and me and my girl split up,that is after we had a kid together.i flipped,since then ,that was about 4 mths ago.ive called her every name in the book,out of a lot of anger cuz i swear i still love her.she tells me that im the worst thing to ever happen to her,that hurts.but we cant even get along on a parent level cuz we just fight.the other day i found out that my "friend" sean,who weve known about the same amount of time since way before we broke up.i found out that they like each other,they just recently found this out,i wigged and i have him scared to even talk to her know.Am i just psycho or is that justifiable?i mean its my babys momma,he should know better right??but anyway i love the girl and i beleive there is no cahnce in hell she would ever take me back,but i can wish | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 8/28/2006 9:41:20 PM | | One reason to LET GO when the relationship is over: Until that special woman and I vow to give ourselves to each other in marriage, I do not own anyone's affections, nor does anyone own mine. I cannot claim to possess that which was never mine. | |
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