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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 8/30/2006 3:59:50 PM | Alright... where do i begin.. So i've been reading the other threads on this site.. Wow u do seem pretty rational and knowledgable of relationship advice.. so here goes nothing.. heres my story.... I am 24 met this girl when i was 20 and she was 17.. we fell in love.. at least love at that age i guess.. we broke up we were at two different places in our lives at the time.. We then got back together I was 22 she was 19.. we fell in love again.. all over again yet so much deeper and meaningful. I loved her so much.. we did everything together... then we decided to move in with oneanother.. when i was 23 and she was 20.. wee loved life everything was going perfect... We couldnt have been more happy.. Then I got bored.. took her for granted.. started seeing what else was out there.. didnt cheat on her... but inside i felt like someting was missing.. she was very imature, and extremely reliant on me.. I guess she was always very sheltered as a child and never really had to do much on her own .. was always handed to her on a silver platter... Anyways.. with this new attitude i had i started to treat her like crap.. then asked to her to move out.... though the week after i realized what a HUGE mistake that was.. I loved her i missed her and yet i asked her to leave? What the hell wass i thinkin? Well we broke up then obviously, then she immediately got withh this new guy who was her friend all throughout highschool who was just her "friend" all the long we were dating... she swore up n down she was never attracted to him like that just really close friends... well all his friends told me that his whole plan for life basically was to break us up so he could try to get with her... Well she swore up n down this was not the case... well we broke up when she moved out n then we got back to gether shortly after then we broke up again.. then she dated this guy... i was shocked.. but apparent yhe gave her a choice.. either date me or lose our friendship.. she was sad and so she dated him.. for about 3 months.. well then she started calliin me sayin she missed me.. beleive me i was a wreck this whole time.. all i wanted was her back.. hell i still do... well then she dumped him.. and got back with me kinda recently... told me she just wasnt attracted to him and it would never work.. so i forgave her told her i loved her but i wanted to really make us work this time.. well we tried she was different i could jus tell .. she would pull away... it jus wasnt the same.. so wee broke it off again.... still talk still text message, etc.. but when we were recently dating we signed up for colege classes together so lucky me i am in a class with her 2 times a week so i am forced to see her... Oh bye the way she hangs out with that other guy every single night lately every SINGLE nite.. and she admits it but swears shes not attracted to him at all jus reall good friends and doesnt wanna lose that friendship.. Well needless to say this is killing me.. I want to marry this girl and she tells me she feels the same.. loves me more than anything.. but just cannot date me now at this point in her life.. I seriously am a wreck all i want to be is with her... I think about her 24/7 and she calls me all the time n wants to be friendly with me whenever we hangout but its always so awkward cuz when were together shes all flirty with me and its like WTF?! what the hell am i supposed to do.. I am seriously going crazy here.. not to mention i have class with her tomorrow... she jus wants to be friends now she says and if were meant to be we will... I think thats a bs blow off to be honest.. but shes not that type of girl to hurt anyone.. she wants to make both of us happy me and that other guy.. shes wants us both in her life she says she loves me... but doesnt wanna lose that friendship with hte other guy.. but shes not attracted to him like that only me.... i dunno any help would be appreciated!!
Joey | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 8/30/2006 4:12:33 PM | Joey,
You both are young. This is very typical of people in their early 20's to not know what they want. I will tell you that if you are thinking about her 24/7, you first need to figure out why.
You don't need her to be happy. Your happiness should be provided by you and you only. NEVER EVER find your happiness in someone else. Figure out why you are so dependent on her for happiness and you'll fix some of your issues right away.
The best thing you can do when someone pulls away from you is to pull away from them as well. Show her she is free to go if she wants. Whatever you do, don't cling on to her for dear life or you will suffocate her and chase her away.
Bottom line is you can't control her. The only thing you have control over is yourself. What are you going to choose to do? Rack your brain trying to figure her out or better yet, invest your time in YOU, figuring out who you are and what you want in life.
Read the first post in this thread over and over. There's a ton of advice there that centers on fixing yourself. Again, you can't control her. The only thing you have control over is yourself.
Stop worrying about what she is doing for now. Get yourself back into great shape. Rebuild your confidence and self-esteem. Get your validation from within, not from her.
Best of luck....
J | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 8/30/2006 4:12:35 PM | ... I think thats a bs blow off to be honest.. but shes not that type of girl to hurt anyone.. she wants to make both of us happy me and that other guy.. shes wants us both in her life she says she loves me... but doesnt wanna lose that friendship with hte other guy.. but shes not attracted to him like that only me.... i dunno any help would be appreciated!!
Okay, I'm not gonna quote the whole thing here, but I'll be honest with you Joey, it sounds like this is a toxic situation for both of you.
From the information I've got here it sounds like you two are very co-dependant - don't get me wrong, I understand the pangs of love but it seems like you're almost setting yourself up to be hurt by this girl. I mean, knowing that she can't date you and still having intense feelings for her AND THEN signing up for classes where you see her every day for 2 days a week? Dude, you must be cruisin' for a bruisin'... if you keep putting yourself into situations where you're going to get hurt, well, guess what? You're going to get hurt.
It doesn't sound to me like you've moved on from her - she's gone on to seeing other men, but what did you do? Are you waiting for her to change her mind? And even if she did, you said yourself it wasn't the same. I think deep down Joey you know that it's not going to work between the two of you but I get the feeling that you don't know how to not have her in your life, especially after the several relationships you've had with her.
My advice, after reading what you've said here, is to spend some time by yourself - get over her because your relationship doesn't sound very healthy to me at all.
Best of luck to you!
B | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 9/1/2006 11:17:37 AM | Thank you for your words of wisdom, it was just what I needed to throw away the information I had linking me to my ex. Your right on the mark concerning the information, especially about boundries. I found my ex to be on numerous dating sites when we supposedly had an "exclusive relationship" I choose for the first time in my life to not turn a blind eye to these behaviors and let him know that I was aware of the situation. I then told him that I did not want to see him until he knew what he wanted. It was one of the hardest things I had to do to date. He left the area without even a goodbye. I'm still devestated but do not regret my decision. I have been trying to let go, and found it to be next to impossible! I have been a counselor for years and know what to do to move on, but today, reading your words just seemed to hit home. Thank you.
K | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 9/1/2006 8:56:57 PM | | I just wanted to add a little something. I've been dumped a few times over the years and I think it's every gals(and the guys as well if they were the dumpee...) fantasy to hear "what was I thinking, I let the best thing that ever happened to me go..." and for him/her to ask for a second chance. that has happened to me more than once, and one time it had been 4 years since i had last seen him. I ended up dating him again for a few months realizing he wasn't what i wanted as a lifelong partner. don't get me wrong, he was on his best behavior... there was just something inside me that told me he wasn't someone who I could see as a father to my not yet existing children. So I ended it. So watch what you ask for, you may find out it wasn't what you wanted after all. On that note... do you all know about the magical Ex radar??? You may have not have heard from them in months, even a year, but it seems when you are finally over it and dating again, suddenly you hear from them. How do they know? we haven't had any contact? is it the magic "your ex is over you radar" fairy???? This will always be a mystery to me but somehow they "know" on some level. You know, the out of the blue "hey I was thinking about you how are you doing email or message left on the answering machine. Just look out for that fairy, sometimes they mean nothing but mischief... :) | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 9/2/2006 1:07:42 AM | jarbarian,
Just wanted to say thanks for the great words of wisdom!
Long story short: Hubby left 2 months ago but refuses to even talk about going ahead and filing for divorce. Says leave things the way they are till one of us meets someone else, why can't we still be friends, call me if you want to then gets upset if I do not call, wants to meet me after work to take me to dinner, you always said we could have ex sex, why are you refusing now, on and on and I have been going crazy not knowing which way to turn because it felt like I was at a stand still and he had all the control. Now I understand that while it may be very hard to take that step, it is ME who has the control over my life and if I want to move forward and get through this, I am going to have to do the things you suggest. Not to get him back but to move forward in my life and not feel as if I am at a stand still until HE decides he wants to finish it. Thanks again from the bottom of my heart.
K | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 9/2/2006 9:16:13 PM | | That is so true! I never really thought about it until I read it! That is really top notch advice! | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 9/3/2006 3:45:07 AM | Okay here’s something for you.
Spent the last 6 months with M. and things are going great, I know I had a good thing, we both instantly liked each other and things clicked. Both of us are into the same things and in my areas of weakness she excels, visa versa. Before our mutual breakup I had acted like an ass because I new M. needed to jump start her life to get to where she wanted it to be. I knew when I was around she depended on me and I on her. So we both concluded that M.'s stress about her life and my lack of emotional expressiveness at times, made it seem like we just weren’t ready for each other, but we still feel and care deeply for each other. Though we were only together 6 months we have become best friends and share everything.
I know, I still care for her and I will for a long time, it’s more than the fact of it being of significance. Guess I am a hopeless romantic at heart and new as her boyfriend who she depended on she couldn’t jump start her life, but with me removed she can refocus and strive forward.
This was my first serious GF, and what I am just asking for is feedback, was it a good idea or a stupid one? | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 9/3/2006 6:08:29 AM | hi , well my ex and i have both had long relationships which we both have a child from and usually dont involve the kids untill we are sure about the person. anyway we were inseperable from the start and moved in together after a month or so. things were great we were very close and loved all the same things when we were all together us and the kids we were like one big happy family.we had both been on the dating seen for a couple of years before finding each other and thought we had found what we both said we wanted a family and mariage with another child between us and to make our relationship work by making the effort.we were going along great and decided we would like to start trying to get pregnant now. about four months later we found the perfect engagement ring the one we wanted was more readily available overseas so we ordered it. when it came to pay for it we had a fight about nothing really and he said i think after that we dont need a ring or baby which he left in a note for me to find when i woke up. after that he said he was sorry and didnt mean and wishes he never wrote the letter , but i found myself doubting him if he wrote it he musnt be sure about this huge step we were taking. anyway we were contacted with a oppertunity to still get that ring and he said yes we will pay for it now so we did. anyway we dont hav much time together as he works hard we always hav one child or another and we were seeming to take each other for granted. i started thinging all sorts of things and when he asked what was wrong i said dont worry bout it well he got anoyed and left to get his daughter we spent the night apart and he refused to talk he just wanted to act as though there was no issue where as i pushed the issue cos it needed to be discussed anyway it become really nasty things were said on both sides and then i got angry and pushed him and he fell into the wall i then told him to get out. the minute it happened i felt horrable for being so nasty and messaged him saying i shouldnt have pushed him like that but tell me whats going on. after all of this he said we were over i kicked him out and this time after me pushing him he doesnt want it. all this and im about to receive the ring which is paid for this week. i have apoligised for how angry i got but he sais no because of that we are over. i swallowed alot of pride because i was pretty violent when i pushed him so i messaged him trying to get him to understand and tell him how i feel but its over. i guess im confused we had plans the ring was all paid for he had researched how to propose and yet it was over just like that. i dont know whats going on i guess there seems like theres more to it and i dont have closure i dont get how u can go from baby and engagement one day to its definatly over the next.is he just hurt i bruised his eago or he had cold feet and used this as a way out? ive told him i need to know why for closure so if its definatly over i can move on but he wont open up to me what do u think???? | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 9/3/2006 8:28:44 PM | | brazilianhottie thanks i thought i was the only person who felt that way.The hard part was as you said, was easy it was for them to cut us off. agian thanks. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 9/4/2006 12:58:26 AM | That OP was very well done.
I'm going to print it out, and put it right here beside my chair. I'm trying to recover from the demise of a 6 year long relationship, and I'm floundering about, trying to find my way. He's already moved on with a new woman, and did so a week after I moved out of our home. I don't think I want a 2nd chance, as in the 6 years we were together, we broke up at least 4 times. I think we are out of 2nd chances. (I'm 34, he's 46)
There are some great words to live by in that OP, and I'm going to do my best to take them to heart. Starting now. I'm changing my phone number, and my email. First baby steps towards the no contact.
Thanks for taking the time to write that all out for us all. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 9/4/2006 1:04:46 AM | | I had a third chance. It is really tough to get over what they did during the break up, and forgive them. Sure anyone can win their ex back , that isn't tough, I did it 3 times. What the real problem is forgiving them. You can't. How do you forgive your sweet heart for viscious abandonment ? You can't. Sure you might win them and for just a moment you feel like you did in the relationship but than reality strikes and you think, "OH yea, she hurt me, and betrayed me and abandoned me and wasn't she the jerk who caused the horrible break up in the first place and than had the odacity to blame me and accuse me of BIPOLAR ? " ta-da !! you can't forgive that, so even if you win them back you are losing and you will lose your mind 100% and welcome to the loonie bin. | |
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nos123
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Joined: 8/29/2006
Msg: 564 | |
| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 9/4/2006 6:23:17 AM | ^^^^^
do you mean to say that all 3 women were wrong and you were RIGHT?
too funny how we can always place blame in the other corner and never at ourselves. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 9/4/2006 9:45:09 AM | there is a saying:
" You can choose who to love but you can not choose who will love you " | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 9/4/2006 4:18:34 PM |
"You can choose who to love but you can not choose who will love you "
I've always heard it as:
"We don't chose who we fall in love with, we can only pray they love us back..." | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 9/6/2006 12:14:35 PM | | Thank you so much! My girlfriend and I broke up a week ago and I have been a miserable wreck. She told me that there was a chance for us to get back together down the road, that all she needed was some time and a little space. Of course I was so heart-broken and missed her so much that I didn't give her either of those things and now she won't even talk to me. But what I just read made so much sense and made me feel like I can get through this just fine. Confidence is the key word here, and it's time for me to let her go and start rebuilding my self esteem, because I am tired of whining, crying, a sitting here in this room in front of this computer sending her one whiney email after the other. Thank you so much for this advice. This is something I'm going to probably read everday because it just flipped a switch in my head and I think I'm going to be okay now. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 9/6/2006 4:08:39 PM | jfeazel24, you are very welcome.
And just so you know, I have to read this guide sometimes myself. Yes, I know I wrote it but still, I have to remind myself to stick to it. | |
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heysil
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Joined: 8/18/2006
Msg: 569 | |
| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 9/8/2006 8:24:32 PM | | How do you go about getting over a breakup when the two of you work together? He's been on the job for 8 years, me 5 years, and the whole 5 years that I've been there, we've been off again on again. Only this time, he sought shelter elsewhere with someone outside of the job. He seems to be so happy about it and says that he's in love, wants to marry and have a child with this new love after being in this new relationship for a little over a month. Do you think he is trying to make me jealous and hurt me even more? We brokeup over miscommunication on his part. And get this. He wants to still be friends because we were best of friends! We told each other everything. But I don't want to be because it hurts so bad. I have to talk to him as far as work because he's my shift lead. I thought it would help if I changed shifts but think it would not do any good. I have co-workers come to me all the dam time asking me have I seen him and why he's not at work today and other ???? just to be nosy and upset me/him and they know we are not together anymore. Where I live other jobs don't pay all that well and for me to leave I won't be able to afford a place to live, etc....however I have been looking elsewhere cause I know that it's the only way I'll be able to get him out of my system but in the mean time I am stuck like Chuck! I am now a true believer that you should never get involved with someone on the job. I met my ex husband that way but our relationship on the job had nothing to do with our breakup like this one did. At one point I wanted to try it again but did'nt know that he had started seeing this other person and he said that he could not just dump her like that because both their feelings were involved. With that I told him if their relationship did'nt work out and I was still single, would he like to try it again? He said yes. In the mean time knowing that I could not just sit around and rot, I started shopping around myself. I met someone but we are just friends. Two weeks go by and he noticed that in those two weeks I started really dressing up and doing my hair in salon styles (trick that always work). Therefore he knew something was up so he starts asking who I was seeing. I told him. He was trying to come back to me but he had trouble getting his words right. So its kinda like he did not want to get rejected by asking me to end it with this guy like I asked him to end it with the girfriend. Also, I did not want him to think I was just waiting around for him to come back so I let him believe that I care for this new guy. I want him to see how it feels. He asked if I thought we'd ever get back together and I said no, too much has happened now knowing that I want him back like hell but I don't want to appear that I am weak. So we are both avoiding rejection. As far as friendship, it will never b the same again. I don't care to hear about his happiness. Can't make him understand why when we've been through soo much 2-gether. Wished I could get amnesia. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 9/8/2006 9:06:24 PM | I wanted to ask for a 2nd chance with certain men I have dated in here... to name a few & they know who they are bec I have no idea what went wrong except maybe for the first date sex thing then they never talked to me again.... I miss most of them Jarod,Devin & Darren- all three of u.... I am asking for a 2nd chance to be your friend at least bec I have no clue what went wrong with all of us.....ciao | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 9/11/2006 9:52:24 AM | Pebbles, I don't folllow you....
You slept with them on the first date and now they won't talk to you? Do you see a trend with these guys? | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 9/11/2006 10:26:30 PM | | Wow... OK there is a God after all. Thank you for the incredible advice, I needed it. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 9/15/2006 10:36:44 PM | Jarbarian,
I need some help with this one. I broke up with the guy who I thought was the life of my life almost 6 months ago. A few days later, I immediately regretted it, but he blew me off and wanted nothing to do with me. He had already moved on, but I hadn't. I'm getting over this pretty well now, I guess. I'm not depressed anymore, even though I was severely so for 3 months. I didn't really eat or sleep, and thought about him constantly. I'm MUCH happier now. While I can't exactly say now that that breakup was the best thing that has ever happened to me (although my friends insist that one day I will see it), I am glad for it to some degree because it allowed me to grow. Had I stayed in the relationship, I would have grown up or matured. So for that, I'm grateful, although I'm still kind of sad thinking about it sometimes.
About two weeks ago, I mailed him a short note (about 5 sentences), to make peace with him. When we first broke up, I called and emailed him repeatedly, attempting to get him back, and then begging him to stay friends with me. I was rejected soundly every time. So I left him alone for many months since my pushes were getting nowhere. Also, I had learned to accept what had happened, and found the strenghth to recover by reminding myself 24/7 that if it's meant to be, it'll be, so there's no point in obsessing over the breakup. Right before I left for school again, I figured I would inevitably run into him on campus, and I DON'T want there to be drama between us. So I wrote him a note simply stating that I hope there's no hard feelings between us, and that if he ever needs a friend, I'm here for him. I also wrote that I don't regret the relationship in any way. It's been 2 weeks...and he hasn't responded. He either didn't get it, or like my friends say, he probably got it but doesn't know how to respond to it. Or maybe he figures he doesn't need to. I don't know. But would it be too much to give him a call or an email to ask if he got my note? Or is that a bit obsessive? I was definitely expecting a response of SOME kind - if nothing more than just to tell me that he got my note. WHY can there not be peace between us? And why did he have to blow me off like that and not enable this to end well? | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 9/15/2006 10:46:49 PM | | I guess looking back on it, the only reason why I still sort of want him back (although I'd really have to think about it now), is that from time to time, I still miss him. I don't need him desperately anymore, like I did right after the breakup...but I will say that I miss his company sometimes. He's not in my life as a friend any longer. When we broke up, he walked out of my life completely. | |
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