| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 10/14/2006 11:04:19 PM | Pretty sound advice.
My wife of 7 years just decided to have an affair with complete loser. She forgot we have three kids and are in the middle of building our dream house. I have been almost begging her to think about what she is doing as we are in the process of losing everything we ahve worked for over the last ten years together - dating, ebgaged, and married. The strange thing is I have taken care of her through 8-9 years of her having two really bad pregnancies involving long periods of bedrest, 10+ surgeries including hysterectomy, gall bladder, and numerous others. And she loses it almost immediately after her grandmother dies this summer. She tells me its just sex but she wants to marry him. He is 32, has been arrested 14 times, and has done every drug known to man. I still love her, but see know way of this ever reconciling. I have been a good father and a great husband. This hurts more than I could ever desrcibe. Hope nobody ever goes through this kind of stuff.
I do say I would give her a second chance, but for whatever reason she doesn't want that. And if she does in six months it will be too late. | |
|
| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 10/15/2006 5:57:06 AM | | Hey, my ex broke up with me just before my bday and our one year as well. He seems to be more focused on work....and the same, I had asked him if he thought I'd be the girl that he'd marry and he said, "nothing in life is certain except death and taxes." Not the response I was looking for. Anyhow, we keep talking, it's been several months now, and see eachother once a week. This hasn't helped matters, it's much worse now, now we aren't respecting eachother. I have to let go and not have any contact with him. I agree with you, it is so hard.....but I'll never have the respect from him or any other great guy if I don't do this. | |
|
| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 10/15/2006 4:54:42 PM | | I believe we all deserve a second chance or how many chances it takes to be where we want to be in ourlives we all deserve happiness and love | |
|
| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 10/16/2006 9:12:50 PM | I agree. I believe that second chances are always a possibility. Whether you actually get one is completely irrelevant. In fact it downright doesn't even matter. What matters is what you think.
The only way I could get myself to stop obsessing over my ex was to acknowledge the fact that there might be a second chance. It was my optimism that got me to heal; contrary to popular belief, it does not make you hold on to the hurt. It has precisely the opposite effect. | |
|
| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 10/16/2006 9:26:19 PM | | what incredible advice. you are very prolific and said so many things i had wanted to blog but at work i was time deficient. anyway, thank u and i hope these souls out there take it to heart and READ and learn. | |
|
| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 10/16/2006 9:38:55 PM | And also...I forgot to add this:
The guide, I found, is completely true. The best way to optimize your chances of getting a second chance is to focus like crazy on getting OVER him/her. It's one of those catch-22 situations that exists in life; you just have to trust it and go with it, despite the hurt. Planning/scheming/pondering over how to get someone back should be on the back burner!! Instead, ALL your energy should be directed towards pushing that person out of your life, both physically and mentally. Because the fact is, NO second chance will work until you're completely over him/her. In fact the longer you wait to let go, the longer it'll take for them to come back. So in a way, when and how your ex comes back is mainly dependent on YOU, as opposed to your ex, as ironic as that may sound.
It's also one of those crazy spiritual phenomenons...your ex can sense when you're over them. Even if you're staying away and not making contact, as long as you are mentally still attached to that person, he/she is guaranteed to not come back. As long as you even take the time to wonder if they'll ever come back, they probably won't because the spiritual timing is off. Being mentally attached to someone is also SPIRITUALLY invading their space, thus hindering their ability to mature without you, which will only delay their return. You can be not talking to them or seeing them at all, and this phenomenon will hold true. It's because your spirit is still clinging unnecessarily to your ex's, which is just as powerful, if not more, than physically clinging to them, such as staying in contact or begging them to return. They'll only come back when the timing is right. It might take months or years, even decades!!!....but the timing is right only after you have given your ex his/her spiritual space, and you have allowed your own precious spirit to heal by segregating it from your former partner's.
Florence Scavel Shinn, an philosopher who wrote on positive visualization, wrote that to get what we want, we must put it out into the universe into God's hands, and let him send it back to us. | |
|
| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 10/16/2006 10:41:37 PM | I am impressed.
Damn, It seems all the smart good looking ones are so far away.
Good on you.
You seem to have a very good handle on the way the sexes think.
You should be blessed
with a special gal all for yourself.
If you ever move to Canada... | |
|
| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 10/17/2006 8:49:32 AM |
Florence Scavel Shinn, an philosopher who wrote on positive visualization, wrote that to get what we want, we must put it out into the universe into God's hands, and let him send it back to us.
This is a great quote and I agree with it totally. It follows the same train of thought as "If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, they are yours. If not, it was never meant to be." | |
|
| |
| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 10/18/2006 12:46:33 PM | www.womansavers.com
just as good as dontdatehimgirl.com
but you can also give a glowing recommendation - I like that! | |
|
Rador
|
Joined: 9/26/2006
Msg: 636 | |
| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 10/20/2006 6:48:46 AM | | Great Advice. It is really making me rethink some things. I thank you for shareing all the good advice. | |
|
Rador
|
Joined: 9/26/2006
Msg: 637 | |
| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 10/20/2006 7:16:01 AM | Well I guess I can share my story. I met this wonderful woman and we hit it off. We clicked in almost all ways. We have so much in common and could talk for hours(and still can). We started a relationship and everything was going great. Then her brother moves in with her and everything has changed. Before anyone asks YES he is her brother. He needed a place to stay and they have been close so what else could she say but sure. Well once he got into the pisture everything has changed. The relationship was broken off. She still wants to be friends with possabilities. She says she is just really confused and needs time to figure it all out. I can respect that and do. I was not sure of the friends at first cause I have alot of feelings for her. Love never entered it and I still do not know if I love her, but I do have alot of feelings and do care for her and her children deeply. We have had some very long talks and she has discussed alot of stuff with me. Some of it was not the most comfortable but I had accepted us as friends and had to convince her of the fact that I was there for her no matter what. I will not go into everything we have talked about but 1 thing that sticks out is the fact her brother Does not like me and does not think I am right for her. He has alot of problems and he wants her to go out with a friend of his that has just as many. He does not know me nor will he even try to get to know me. I have heard some of his tones and the way he says things when I have called which I really never do anymore cause of that. She has asked me How not to listen to him. I have told her I really can't answer that and that she needs to decide for herself what is right and wrong for her. No one can know that but her. We talk about alot of stuff on a friend level. I have never once tried to talk her into me since we decided to be friends. She says Do Not Count myself out yet. That is hard to understand but I can accept it. I am also not just sitting around waiting. I go out with friends and still talk to others but on a friend basis.
Some of our conversations turn more romantic in nature which she usually starts. She wanted to come over Saturday night and I was gonna cook her a romantic dinner with candles and the works.(her idea BTW not that I did not want to but I have accepted her as friends and am not gonna push anything) She had to try to get a sitter for her kids cause her brother would never do that for her if I was involved. I can understand if she can't find one. I do not mind if the kids come but that changes the theme of the dinner. I know she wants some just us time though and so do I. We would like to sit and talk seriously about ourselves. Well it is Friday and I have not heard anything from her. Granted it was Wed night when we planned this but I would like to know what the plans are. I would not be worried about it but alot of plans made get broken and not on my end. Halloween night we were supposed to go take her kids and my neices out trick or treating. It was planned but that has been broken now to which my neices were very disappointed about as was I. Her brother heard I was going and decided he wanted to go but not with me. So I do not know if I should keep planning this night. I do not want to do all this and get stood up for it. I really want to go through with this and have planned a beatiful dinner. I do not want to call as her brother would probally answer the phone and get his little attitude I always hear in his voice. I do not know if she reads these forums or not. If she does she will know itis about her but thats why I am leaveing out alot of stuff no one needs to know as it is private in nature. I would talk to friends about it but they have rendered advice already and think I am crazy for even trying the friend thing. I truly want to be her friend no matter what happens. I have told her many times all I want is for her to be happy even if thats not with me. I mean everything I say all I want for her is her to be happy and find what she needs and wants out of life. I am not asking for advice really but input. I make my own desicions about me but a little input never hurts.
I know this is long winded and probally is stupid but was just wondering what you all thought of this situation and would like to hear input on it. | |
|
| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 10/20/2006 8:41:37 AM | Rador, you have to do what you have to do. My thoughts are if you can handle a non-romantic relationship with her then you will end up being friends and nothing more.
If you really want a romantic relationship with her, you have to pull back.... | |
|
Rador
|
Joined: 9/26/2006
Msg: 639 | |
| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 10/20/2006 9:25:57 AM | | Thanks for your input. I have tried to pull back and she keeps pulling me back to her. We have a dinner planned at my place tomorrow night. Her idea. I have not heard from her about if she could find a sitter for her children yet. It has only been 2 days but for it to be tomorrow night I kinda need to know either way if it is gonna happen or not. If this does not happen and there is no good reason for it I am gonna pull completly back and will keep to my guns. After this one I need to heal and get on with my life and although I love talking to her and being friends, the way somethings come across seem to me that she wants more but is very confused which I can understand. But to say some of the things she says, Make the plans she makes with me to just break them for no good reason I just can't and will not tolerate it any longer. I understand some things happen and those can't be helped but alot of the reasons I get are not those reasons. I really do thank you for your insightful advice. I just hope she is sincere with what she says and I belive she is but her brother really try's to talk her out of me and I know that is one of the major hurdles we are faceing right now. I feel that until she makes her own decisions and stops listening to her brother (who has alot of other intentions) that we can not continue. Only she can know what feels right to her and only she knows what is right for her. | |
|
| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 10/20/2006 9:34:33 AM |
Thanks for your input. I have tried to pull back and she keeps pulling me back to her. We have a dinner planned at my place tomorrow night. Her idea. I have not heard from her about if she could find a sitter for her children yet. It has only been 2 days but for it to be tomorrow night I kinda need to know either way if it is gonna happen or not. If this does not happen and there is no good reason for it I am gonna pull completly back and will keep to my guns. After this one I need to heal and get on with my life and although I love talking to her and being friends, the way somethings come across seem to me that she wants more but is very confused which I can understand. But to say some of the things she says, Make the plans she makes with me to just break them for no good reason I just can't and will not tolerate it any longer. I understand some things happen and those can't be helped but alot of the reasons I get are not those reasons. I really do thank you for your insightful advice. I just hope she is sincere with what she says and I belive she is but her brother really try's to talk her out of me and I know that is one of the major hurdles we are faceing right now. I feel that until she makes her own decisions and stops listening to her brother (who has alot of other intentions) that we can not continue. Only she can know what feels right to her and only she knows what is right for her.
My ex wanted to remain friends with me. Have lunch and hang out, etc. But only when her new guy wasn't around. Basically she wanted to get her 'emotional' needs met while not meeting mine.
I think your case is similar. You're meeting an emotional need for this woman while your needs are not being met. This is where boundaries are important. Set a boundary for her.
You want more than friends. If she doesn't, then you need to pull away and do what is best for YOU. Look out for yourself and don't go out of your way to meet her needs unless she is willing to meet you halfway.
Otherwise you will end up chasing her and what do people do when chased? They run.... | |
|
Rador
|
Joined: 9/26/2006
Msg: 641 | |
| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 10/20/2006 9:49:57 AM | | That is great advice and very insightful. It has given me alot to digest. You have great advice and I can't thank you enough for helping me with my situation. You have helped me relize alot. It is very nice to get a unbiased opinion on my situation. I will try to update you as to what happens with this. | |
|
| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 10/20/2006 10:01:25 AM | | thank you that is very true and i been doing that so far ok but yes it is hard but i knew from the start he told me but i feel in love with him so we made it for 7 years but now its more he wants and i can not give him or want to because im not like that so im geting on with my life because its only a one way street here . | |
|
Rador
|
Joined: 9/26/2006
Msg: 643 | |
| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 10/20/2006 10:08:20 AM | | I feel the same way. It seems I am in that one way street more and more with this person. The romantic dinner was her idea. BUt I have yet to find out if it is still on. And I am not gonna go spend my money and go through all the set up if it is not gonna happen. So I will wait till tonight and see if I hear anything. I know she has been feeling bad with a cold so She may have just been relaxing and went to sleep. I do know I will call Saturday to see if it is still on if I haven't heard anything. Or mabye I won't and will just leave it be and start living my life for me and not someone else. | |
|
| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 10/20/2006 10:13:16 AM | | Don't call. You've done enough "chasing." Let HER chase now. If she doesn't then you know she isn't into you. If she does, proceed with caution. Bottom line is you need to match whatever she puts into the relationship. If she's not putting anything into it well, neither should you. | |
|
Rador
|
Joined: 9/26/2006
Msg: 645 | |
| |
Rador
|
Joined: 9/26/2006
Msg: 646 | |
| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 10/20/2006 5:19:55 PM | | Small update. She says we are still on but she is not gonna promise to be there in case something comes up and she can't make it. I think It is time to set those boundries. I think I need to tell her either she IS or she Isn't. I am not gonna go through all the trouble to make dinner and everything and her have something else come up and cancel it. I can understand some things may happen but you do not change a date to a mabye. IF something comes up that she needs to deal with I can understand that but if it is she gets a better offer and decided to go that way I am not gonna have it. I am debateing calling the whole thing off due to this. We are supposed to talk later and will see what is going on. I got some questions I need answered. | |
|
| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 10/20/2006 5:28:14 PM | Second Chance, HELL NO. Once a guy mistreats me or uses me, whatever you want to call it its all the same shit diff pile....IT'S OVER THE 1st TIME. I have NEVER taken any guy back that has ****ed up. I don't see why anyone would take an ex back for let's say for exp. cheating. Who wants to screw your ex after they sleep with someone else? Can we say left overs?
 | |
|
Rador
|
Joined: 9/26/2006
Msg: 648 | |
| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 10/21/2006 12:05:05 AM | Well jarbarian
She did call me. We were speaking on yahoo actually saying goodnight after the date was set in stone. She said goodnight as did I and I did not hear anything back from her so I figured she logged off. Then my phone rang and it was her saying her PC froze up and she did not want me to think she just logged off like that. Well I wind up going to her house and we had a very long face to face talk about stuff. I think it went well but I am still gonna use alot of caution but I feel like I can hang around and see what happens. She told me alot of stuff and I know where some of her fears and confusion are comming from. I think she is worth the wait and will continue to wait for now. She has alot she has to work out and so so I. We will see how it goes. All I want is for her to find the happiness she needs. I am keeping us on a friend level only and will contimue to do so till we figure ourselves out. If we were meant to be it will happen and if not well we can be friends still. She is a good friend and is the easiest person to talk to about anything. To me that is a friend and most of the relationships that last usually start out as friends.
I will continue with caution. Alot of caution but I do want to see how it is going to turn out. I do thank you for all the advice. You said alot that really hits home and have helped me alot with all of this. Again I thank you. | |
|
| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 10/21/2006 1:30:25 AM | jarbarian Great advice...definately going to print it out and do my best to follow it.
My story in short.... met someone, instant chemistry but we took our time getting to know each other, didn't instantly act on our hormones. He ended things but definately got a mixed message from him. I mean we didn't fight in 5 months, everything seemed awesome. In fact one of his comments was that we didn't have to "do anything" just being together was enough. He says we want different things... that I want the whole package of a relationship and he thought he did but he's not sure now. When asked what he does want he says he doesn't know. He gave me a hug goodbye but it was weird... He is saying he doesn't want a relationship with me but he was clutching me to him like crazy. So I'm confused. He wants to be friends but honestly I know I can't do that, I wanted him for the long term.
I know time heals all wounds.... and if it doesn't heal it enables us to gain some distance from the pain.
Sazy | |
|
Rador
|
Joined: 9/26/2006
Msg: 650 | |
| |
Home
login 
