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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 10/22/2006 1:58:52 AM |
All I can say now is NOPE! Sorry moveing on and forgetting about it.
Rador, you didn't do what I suggested. She's pulling back, you pushed. When she pulls back, YOU PULL BACK TOO!
Please remember that. Anytime someone pulls away from you they are testing to see if they are free to come and go as they please. That gives them COMFORT and they don't feel caged in. If you push, you cage them in and they RUN.
Best of luck to you. Remember, every relationship you have serves as a stepping stone to the next. Take what you have learned because every failure is one step closer to success. | |
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Rador
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Joined: 9/26/2006
Msg: 652 | |
| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 10/22/2006 5:50:54 AM | | Yes I relize this now. I am pulling back now. Will probally pull all the way back and cut all ties. I am not doing this anymore. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 10/22/2006 8:03:24 AM | I've been reading this thread the past couple of days, lots of pretty sound advice and good people here. Maybe I'll come back and share my story as well. I do think that knowing we're not alone, sharing our thoughts, advice and stories is a good thing. I know that sometimes it's hard to say these things to people in our real lives, that it can be easier to open up here, where we won't be judged. By sharing our pain, it helps us to let go of it. We do need to allow ourselves to feel the sadness, pain and even anger of something lost. To supress those emotions isn't dealing with them, we need to feel them so that we can move on. You have to go through the fire to get to the other side and feel cleansed and free.
Yes, we need to allow ourselves a bit of time to grieve and process and learn from the relationship. One suggestion that I have is that no matter how hurt and sad you are feeling, try to not think of things in terms of never. (I'll never see the one I love again, I'll never hold, never touch, never make love to, never talk to again.) Thinking like that overwhelms the soul and the heart. It's counterproductive to think in never terms, first of all none of us really knows what will happen in the future, and that kind of thinking can just make things seem unbearable while you're hurting. Take it a day at a time, an hour at a time, a moment at a time. Eventually the pain will ease if you will allow it to. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 10/22/2006 9:50:38 AM | hi,
me and my husband seperated 6 months ago, it was my decision i walked away coz i did no think i was his priority it's not as egotistical as it sounds i just never thought he cared.
he tried after we split to reunite but i said no, now i am regretting this decision now i have seen how much he cared about me.
i'm confused, we have slept together since splitting does this mean he still loves me or that i'm an easy lay? i asked him if he wants me back but he said he don't know should i let go even though i've not slept or dated anyone since we split.
i'm only 20 he's 21 young i know but we were together 3 years, married 6 months before splitting and we were totally commited to each other it just feels as soon as we were married he stopped fighting for me
confused please advise | |
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Rador
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Joined: 9/26/2006
Msg: 655 | |
| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 10/22/2006 10:18:41 AM | | I would take Jab's advice. Break off everything. If it was meant to be it will be If not then get on with your life. I know it is hard. I am on that process as well. I fought for her and cared so much and she did at first but now it all changed. I kept hanging by a thread but now I relize I just need to move on and do stuff for me. I did all the trying all she did was talk a big game I guess to keep me hanging by that thread so WHEN she needed me I was there. Well that is not gonna happen anymore. I suggest you really try to think what you want and then go find it. There are alot of men out there that will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Just takes time to heal and start over again. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 10/22/2006 4:10:40 PM | The advice is hard to follow especially in early stages of a break up.... you feel cut off & alone. I know I have great friends but they don't fill the void. I've just spent most of my weekend barely coming out of my room... just don't want to function.
I still don't understand the break up, might never understand it. I think part of me is angry with him because he said he had been feeling that he should end it for the last 6 weeks...I noticed a difference about 3 weeks ago, he was pulling away. My issue with it is why not just talk to me? I have no issue with giving anyone space, I like my own space too.
Although I know he wants to be friends, I told him I need space to heal... but this no contact is soooo hard. its funny I waited almost 4 months before even telling anyone that I had a b/f and now when I seem upset most people will think its silly because their perception will be that we have only been dating a few weeks.
I know for alot of us its the death of our hopes & dreams that we need to mourn, but all that knowledge is great its getting it to take that step from our head to our heart that is sooo dang difficult.
 to all of us suffering the break down of a relationship
Always remember its the relationship that failed not you or your ex partner | |
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slady
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Joined: 6/12/2006
Msg: 657 | |
| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 10/22/2006 5:48:03 PM | Ok..so here's my question...I posted my story before...and here's where I am at. I followed everything to a T...even started dating again. Now, my ex knew nothing about this. Anyway...I go out one night, and see him. He approaches me, we talk, and over the next few weeks he says he wants us to start as friends, and that we didnt fall in love overnight, so to get back to a relationship wont happen overnight either. Ok, so I give him space, and continue on with my life. I still date, and actually enjoy it. Now...seems like some days he cant wait to see me or spend time with me then others, nothing days go by with no effort to spend time together other than the odd 'hello' message on my phone. I dunno I guess I am maybe answering my own question, but what's the deal? I mean, if you really want to be with someone, wouldnt you put more effort into it?? I just dont get it.  | |
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Rador
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Joined: 9/26/2006
Msg: 658 | |
| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 10/22/2006 5:49:45 PM | | Sazy I feel your pain. I am in that same boat now. The no contact thing is VERY rough but it is something you need to do to move on. I know right now you do not want to move on. I do not either but I know I have to so I can heal and get my life back. I know how hard it is for me and can only imagine how hard it is for you. Mine had 2 children that I miss soo much and love them still. I want so much to contact and ask how they are at least but I know that is just gonna incrase my healing time. All I can say is do what you feel is right. But remember healing takes time and that is all that can heal you. | |
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Rador
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Joined: 9/26/2006
Msg: 659 | |
| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 10/22/2006 5:55:15 PM | | Slady... I am in that Exact same boat. Some days she can't wait to see me others she seems like she cares less. On the days she wants me around she makes a ton of plans with me to have it all change to I Don't know the very next day. I have gotten the feeling that I am a fall back when there is no one else around and I have also come to decide I am not doing that anymore. I still care for this woman with all my heart but to heal my heart I need to distance myself from her and regain my life. I put a ton of effort into it and never got much of it back so I do not understand either. Like I said One day she wants me and seems like I am the only one for her and the next it is totally oppisite. So I say walk away and forget it. Keep dateing and haveing fun. You will meet the man that will sweep you off your feet and do anything for you. Look at jarb's advice. He has alot of good advice. I am starting to follow it and I know i will be better off in the end for it. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 10/22/2006 6:09:38 PM | Yes.... the no contact.... I think its like an alcholic or smoker giving up their vice... when you have been a part of someone's life for a period of time & had that romantic relationship the contact is like an addiction.... only way to break an addiction is cold turkey.... but damn the withdrawal is Hell.
Its funny we didn't even talk/text message or email every day but I think just knowing the option was there makes the difference.
What I find hard to stomach is the inconsideration of some people.... I actually had a guy I met once for a coffee date and it didn't go anywhere, this was probably around the same time I met my ex. This guy figures since technically I am single again... then him & should hook up.... I made it clear I am here for the friends & forums... not looking to date anyone. I need to heal first.
to everyone and don't forget to be good to yourself you deserve the best!!
Sazy  | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 10/22/2006 11:09:01 PM | I had the same experiance with an ex of mine...after I broke up with my girlfriend...one of my ex's thought we should be together....now mind you it seems to be a pattern in my life, but she was the first one to actually try...and I mean try...almost to the point where I felt uncomfortable.....and I don't feel that way alot.
Now on a different note but on the same topic....up until recently I have been seeing someone....well sort of...it's been a really messed up situation...but I won't go into that part I will go into whats going on....lol....so anyways....like I said seeing someone, and we were getting somewhat close...then all of a sudden she...after abit of coaxing...informs me she dosent think she feels the same as she did when we first met...now...not intentionally trying to hurt her I started to laugh as I said to her...well ya!....of course your going to feel different than you did when we first met...thats human nature.
Now she dident get mad, or upset, but she agreed and then said, I know but I don't know if I still want to be with you.
Now of course a bit heartbroken, I responded...well if you want the time to think about it then I'll back off and let you think....but....I won't wait forever...but I will give you the time needed to decide if you want to make it work.
Now in all realizem....I know how it was going to end...it's not the first time this has happened to me. But she still wants to try again, just not now...maybe down the road....now here I am trying to follow these steps....actually my own steps but they are very similer to the ones in the start of this thread. Now ya!, I would love to try again...but I have that doubt....you know the 5% chance thing...lol....now heres the problem....so far it's been going great...we both have had time for ourselves.....I heard through the grapvine that she's getting into curling and so on....so hobbies....but tonight I got a message from her on my MSN...when I wasnt at the computer...saying Hi I'm at work right now...I'll be off at 7 and I'll call you after work because I want to talk to you.
Now theres nothing wrong about that....but what does bother me is....it's now 2 in the morning....lol....and no call....now mind you i dident wait for her call either, I went out and went to a C.D. release party...lol.
It's not a big problem just one that sort of bothered me a bit...I'm not really sure what I'm asking here?...lol....I think I just needed to write and vent a bit....lol.
Anyways...I love those steps...they are, like I said very similer to my own...good job...and keep it up.
Happy fishing everyone
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 10/23/2006 9:18:24 AM |
Now theres nothing wrong about that....but what does bother me is....it's now 2 in the morning....lol....and no call....now mind you i dident wait for her call either, I went out and went to a C.D. release party...lol.
Don't contact her. She said she was going to call so leave it at that. If you find yourself agonizing over whether someone is going to call/write/text you, whatever, that's really a sign of co-dependence.
Let her be, give her space. That's the only way people can miss you. It's also good for you as it helps you focus on being independent, having your own goals, hobbies, friends, etc.
Others are inherently attracted to independent people. People with a life, hobbies, goals, etc. A life that is full of fun, happiness and confidence.
I think that's why it is said that when you aren't looking for someone is when you usually find them. There's a lot of merit to that theory. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 10/24/2006 3:49:01 PM | Ok, here's a recap of my current situation. I met the man I've been seeing three months ago, we had *met* through another online personals site back in late June, had our first date the day after his divorce was final. I thought it would be ok since he was the one that initiated the divorce. We clicked immediately and everything was fine and grand, it felt like the healthiest relationship I've ever been in. Mutual respect, genuine liking for each other, great conversations, laughter, great sex etc., I could go on and on.
He really is a special person to me no matter what happnes. Anyway he recently told me that he's confused, that he really cares about me, he feels good with me, but that he's terrified of making a mistake again. Having gone through divorce myself, I totally understand this. This conversation took place the weekend before last, and I was prepared to back off then. However we talked and got together a couple of times this past week. He's now asked me to give him a week or so to get his head on straight, he says he thinks he's about to have one of those*life's moments*, though I'm not quite sure what he means by that, and I didn't ask, I didn't want to read more into it than there was. So I am giving space and backing off, there's nothing else I can do.
Ok Jabarian and to whoever else that cares to provide their insight/advice/opinion. I am letting go, and while I'm sad, I want what is best for his happiness and emotional wellbeing. However, I'm thinking of breaking the no contact rule, not to plead with him or try to convince him to give us a chance, but to let him know that if it's his decision to not see me again, that there is no need for him to tell me that. He owes me no explanations, I have accepted that we most likely won't be getting back together due to the timing, circumstances of being so newly divorced. I'm at peace with that and maybe I'm being selfish, but I think it would hurt me more to actually hear those words, that I would have to start the healing process all over again.
I guess I'm still confused myself, feeling at a loss. I'm afraid if he were to tell me that, then I would turn into a blithering crying fool, which is not the last image of me I want him to remember. So I was thinking of telling him in an email, that I do care about him, and will miss him, but if he decides that I'm not the right thing for him at this time in his life, that he needn't worry about contacting me again, that I'll know and understand and wish him nothing but the best in life.
Any thoughts or opinions about breaking the no contact rule in this situation? Thanks in advance. | |
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Rador
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Joined: 9/26/2006
Msg: 664 | |
| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 10/24/2006 4:18:06 PM | | I know how you feel. I am in a break up with someone I care for alot. We had a great relationship in the begining. Then she wanted to back off. She was confused. I understood that and backed off. We started getting closer again and she again wanted to back off. I did it again. Then we started talking alot and she said alot of stuff and made alot of plans. Then she backed out of all of them the next day. I decided to break it off with her and do no contact. Belive me it is rough. Everytime I think of her I get sick at my stomach. I guess I let myself care too much for this woman. What makes it worse is her 2 kids that have been askin where I have been. She has told me about this before I broke it off but she would not really let me see them. That hurts alot as well. I want so much to contact her just to see if she and the kids are ok but I know I can't do that cause if I do I will not heal. My advice would be to not make contact. I know it is hard and it hurts but it is a part of healing. I thought about just sending an email asking how the kids are BUt I know I can't. I need to move on and so do you. I hope it all works out for you. If you do make contact it will be that much harder to not make contact again. Belive me I know. I wish you the best in your decision. If you need someone to talk to send me an email. Would love to talk to ya since we are both n the same boat. Sometimes talking with people not involved helps us heal. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 10/24/2006 4:33:05 PM |
So I was thinking of telling him in an email, that I do care about him, and will miss him, but ...
Don't do it. It just prolongs the process. He's better off with a deafening silence from your end, and so are you. You need to focus on yourself, like Jarb says, and the many wonderful people who will feel it a privilege to get to know you.
JMHO (based on experience) | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 10/24/2006 4:40:31 PM |
He approaches me, we talk, and over the next few weeks he says he wants us to start as friends,
Message to everyone, including Slady:
Beware the "friends" thing. It is a wolf in sheep's clothing.
Ask yourself this: what do friends talk about? In many cases, they talk about their feelings (well ok guys, not us so much...!) their relationships, etc. So as "friends" with this person, are you going do that? And if so, which relationship are you going to talk about? The one you're now looking for, or the one with him/her that you're sad you lost?
Nope. It just doesn't work. "Let's be friends" is bogus. It's just a sop to a guilty conscience, and a recipe for disaster.
You can be friends (maybe) with him/her five years from now, with the benefit of perspective and a couple more relationships under your belt.
But not now.
Been there. Got the purple heart for that one. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 10/24/2006 4:43:01 PM | | Thank you Rador for you response, and wholeheartedly agree about talking with people not involved helps us heal, this forum has been a great help. However, my wanting to send him this last email isn't about trying to convince him to give it a chance. It's pretty much me saying goodbye and asking him not to contact me. He's asked for some time to think, which is fine. Maybe it's me being selfish, that I want to start the healing process now rather than later. I don't know how I'll handle it if in a week or two he calls me (and he will call, he's been nothing but honest with me) and tells me that he can't handle a relationship right now. I guess there's the 10% chance that he'll say that he does want me in his life, but I feel like I can accept it being over now, I don't want to hold on to hope the next couple of weeks only to have it shattered. While hope is a great thing, it can also be a devastating thing. | |
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Rador
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Joined: 9/26/2006
Msg: 668 | |
| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 10/24/2006 4:46:14 PM | | I can understand that. If that makes you feel better and helps you move on then I say do it. Yea hope can be tough. I still hold hope for this woman but I will not contact her. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 10/24/2006 4:48:06 PM | | Sailorman, thanks for your response. However, perhaps I wasn't clear in my story or my motive for contacting him again. It's not prolong anything, it's not to try to convince him into anything. It's me saying good bye and asking him to NOT contact me. He said he needs time to think, and I know he will be contacting me, I have no doubt as to that. Call me selfish or cowardly, but I have accepted that it most likely isn't going to be, I don't need to hear him tell me that, and thats why I wanted to email him. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 10/24/2006 5:01:27 PM | | its all very simple really,and all a chance-Nothing is guaranteed ,winable or loseable.Thats why the middle word in life is if.You figure the rest out I gotta go. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 10/24/2006 5:06:16 PM | Rador, I sympathize with you and your situation as well. Hang in there, you honestly cared for this woman and acted with integrity. You can hold your head up high  We have to accept that we can't control other's actions or feelings, we can only control our own. Take the positives from our experiences, learn from our mistakes and move forward. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 10/24/2006 5:26:07 PM | sounds good. but get this... I was married for 27 years to my high school sweetheart and am now separated because of this.. my son, just turned 18 and has been going out with a girl from his school I thought I knew. the minute she walked into my house, my son has turned into an arrogant little brat, uses bad language, disrespects me and this use to be the perfect child. I know he is getting this from her besides the fact hes 18. It has gottn so bad he has moved in with her and her ''mother". That part I am trying to handle. Here comes the kicker. My ex never backed me on any of this and decided to try and be 18 again. I think the little **** has a thing for my ex. All of his attention goes to my son and her. He has alays been very close and we were a very very close family. Now the fighting with him and I start and its so bad, we are divorcing over this, his idea. I hate to think that maybe this 48 year old man has the hots for his sons gf but this is so weird and nobody, friends and family, can believe it. I say mid life crisis but the crap he has put me thru the last year sux. He and my son work together and my son has not talked to me in 3 months. He and I were very close and now he says he wants me out of his life because he loves her. First gf, doesnt know what love is. Now, my heart is torn out. i not only lost my son but also my husband. all because I had rules in my house about language, sleepovers with her and I have a 13 year old to think about.
Hows that for some good reading? Dont want him back after all that. | |
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Rador
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Joined: 9/26/2006
Msg: 673 | |
| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 10/24/2006 6:26:02 PM | | itsallaboutlivinglearning Thanks. I am now doing just that and learning from all this. I have let go and am gonna move on and will find someone meant for me. That is how it works | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 10/24/2006 7:56:55 PM | Never send them an email saying goodbye. Just drift away in the darkness. No matter how you phrase it, saying goodbye to someone will be seen as manipulative and it won't work.
When you go no contact you just do it, you don't announce it. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 10/24/2006 8:28:18 PM | | But HE is going to be contacting ME within the next week or two, after taking some time to think. I don't want him to, I have accepted that it's the end, I don't want to have to read or hear, however he decides to tell me, two weeks from now that he's not ready for a relationship. I'm ready to let go NOW. I'm not trying to manipulate him, not trying to make anything *work*, just trying to save myself from having to start over with dealing with this two weeks from now. | |
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