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slady
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Joined: 6/12/2006
Msg: 676 | |
| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 10/24/2006 9:24:21 PM | | Thanks for your response. Well, I couldn't deal with the "friends" thing, so I told him. All he said was ok. Yup, he obviously didnt want to stop me. So, no biggie. It hurts, but I have yet to shed a tear. I did that 3 months ago and refuse to now. Since the break up I have done well, re aquainted with friends and made a life for myself. Yes I wanted him included, but not in the cards. Sooooooo today....just had to share...I went on a shopping spree...and bought myself a brand new car!! Who says shopping is no fun?? LOL Anyway...I feel really good compared to when the break up happened, so yes...time helps. You dont forget, but you dont hurt as much. YAY!! | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 10/24/2006 9:53:59 PM |
But HE is going to be contacting ME within the next week or two, after taking some time to think. I don't want him to, I have accepted that it's the end, I don't want to have to read or hear, however he decides to tell me, two weeks from now that he's not ready for a relationship. I'm ready to let go NOW. I'm not trying to manipulate him, not trying to make anything *work*, just trying to save myself from having to start over with dealing with this two weeks from now.
Mark his email address as spam, block him on IM, don't accept his calls, delete his VM's without listening to them. Takes discipline but you can push him out of your life if you really want to. | |
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Rador
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Joined: 9/26/2006
Msg: 678 | |
| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 10/25/2006 1:12:02 AM | | Well I guess I made a mistake again lol. I sent her an email saying basically I could not do this anymore and that when she figures out what it is she wants to call me. DoH! accoring to Jarb I guess I messed up again...... | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 10/25/2006 4:48:07 PM | Hey,
You're post is great, and I feel it really is on the mark, still, I am finding it tough to let go, and find myself missing my ex. This last couple of days have been especially tough even after a really fun weekend, kind of weird how that happens. I posted my question separately, but I guess I wanted your opinion. So I'm pasting my story/situation below.
Ok, I met this South African girl at a bar before the summer, we hit off great. She called me the next night to hang out with her and her friends, we end up hanging out every night that week. Anyway, we end up dating for nearly 4 months, seeing each other 3 or 4 times a week. All the time she seems super excited to see me, and really into me, and I definitely fell for her as well, beautiful, charming, sociable and a sweetheart. She kept telling me how lucky she felt to have found me and how handsome, fun, good in bed, sensitive and charming I am. In any case, one week before we broke up, she breaks down crying in bed, all night. She claims she hasn't cheated on me, and I tend to believe her. She goes on about not knowing what is going on in her head, about being stressed with her life, knowing that school is going to start up again, and with work and her volunteering she doesn't know whether she can be herself in the short time we would have left together to work a relationship. The next week we break up, she says she doesn't know why her feelings have changed but that she has begun feeling detached, aloof and borderline bichy and she doesn't want to hurt me. We both end up crying that whole night, really tense emotional stuff. But she also says that she might need a few months to think things through.
Well, having been through breakups before, I try to let things be. 2 1/2 months have gone by. I let her contact me if she feels like it. We've been out to lunch, dinner and movies and it is pretty relaxed and enjoyable of a time. Sometimes she kisses me goodbye, sometimes she just hugs me, I sometimes make the mistake of telling her I miss her at the end of our meetings, and she tells me she misses me back. She claims that she now knows that she cannot be in a relationship, that she is afraid she is making the biggest mistake of her life by not being with me, but that she just found herself in a relationship she was not ready for. I know she has some depression issues, but she really is a fantastic person who I would like to keep in my life, but it is difficult to accept that we can't be together. She says she still thinks of us. And I don't really know what to do. Lately I feel things have been fading between us more and more. I know that anything I do to get her back would probably just drive her further away but I am also frustrated about not being able to do anything about her.
Thanks for any advice. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 10/26/2006 8:42:06 AM |
I know that anything I do to get her back would probably just drive her further away but I am also frustrated about not being able to do anything about her.
If you chase, she will run.
If it's mean to be then it will happen. You just have to live your life. Follow the suggestions in the guide for getting your life back in order.
We always fret over things we can not control and it's probably the most fruitless thing we can do. You'll find it's easier to let things go when you realize you have no control over them. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 10/30/2006 9:31:46 PM | | Wow You make it sound so easy! I was seeing a guy for just over 1 year and he was going through a tuff time in his life and decided he needed a break. The day we met there was instant chemistry and we never had 1 arguement just alot of fun times. We were like best of friends. He told me he wanted to still be friends and he knew he was making a mistake but he needs to get his life in order. It has now been 3 months and man i finally stopped the tears but i find it still very hard and i always wondering what he is doing or if he misses me like i miss him? We do still chat online and e-mail and sometimes talk on the phone. I just do not get what happened?? And how could anyone go from such an awsome experience to just being friends? Man way to hard for me but i hopeing he will change his mind..:( | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 10/30/2006 10:43:01 PM | you know what its not easy! as you said "twoyumy" but you are the one who have to live with your peoblem as well as dealin with it. i brook up with my wife couple months ago and i have just realize all the points which"Jar" has gone through in his thread is totally true and they do work. i found also this working for me (Quicker you quit picking the scab, quicker it will heal) lol,so i thought of sharing my experience with you.
best wishes
MR. Cool | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 10/31/2006 8:32:23 AM |
We do still chat online and e-mail and sometimes talk on the phone.
That is why you are not healing. You haved turned into his friend while you are still in love. All that means is you will never truly heal until you break it off completely. You can not be friends with someone you are in love with. It does not work.
I just do not get what happened?? And how could anyone go from such an awsome experience to just being friends? Man way to hard for me but i hopeing he will change his mind..:(
Well you definitely won't change his mind by being at his beck and call or being his 'friend.'
Read the guide and follow the advice clearly. If you are to get a second chance it won't be the way you are handling it now. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 10/31/2006 2:52:02 PM | Man I dont know about all those rules? It does make sence on paper I just wonder how much you can apply it to real life.Maybe...I am just wondering if you would even want to be with the person if you went through all these steps.Interesting...I really liked the rule of no contact and dont be friends.That sounds perfect.Cause at least if they do not come back, you wont see them at least. Good job on this post ! | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 10/31/2006 3:33:24 PM | | My opinion on "second chances" is more of a short common sense thought...if you break up, consider it past. The word past is just that, what happened before. Never go back to the past because like time, you cannot change it and you only go back to remember it...good times AND bad. As with the future, you can't pre-determine what is going to be. Your past is the lesson learned...the "present" is the gift of knowledge to let live and move on and the future...to be continued! | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 10/31/2006 7:17:13 PM |
Man I dont know about all those rules? It does make sence on paper I just wonder how much you can apply it to real life.
It's hard. It requires discipline and learning to love and respect yourself. If you do, you can and will follow the steps. (They are steps/guidelines, I wouldn't call them rules)
Maybe...I am just wondering if you would even want to be with the person if you went through all these steps.
Ah, see! You are getting it. The point of this is to get yourself healthy first. To break yourself of the addiction to someone who may not even be worthy or 'worth' the addiction you have to them. Following these steps will help you rebuild your confidence and self esteem and once that is done, you may find after all that you don't want that person anyway. And frankly, if that's what becomes of it, I would consider that a success. The goal as I mentioned is to get yourself healthy. When you do that you won't be attracted to people that you know are unhealthy for you.
Interesting...I really liked the rule of no contact and dont be friends.That sounds perfect.Cause at least if they do not come back, you wont see them at least. Good job on this post !
That's part of the reason why. You can't be friends with someone you are in love with and you try to remain friends it will simply hold you down and keep you from healing. The longer you hang on to an ex the longer it takes to heal.
Best of luck. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 11/1/2006 10:56:04 AM | | Thanks for the advice I am gonna give it a try even though i know it is gonna be hard. You are very right about can't be friends when i still inlove with him. Thanks You are awsome! Keep up great job. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 11/1/2006 11:12:39 AM | | Thanks for your post Mr.cool. it is getting better with each day but still wonder how or y it happened but i guess it out of my control and if it is meant to be it will be right? Just suxs to go over 1 year and then he decides he is not ready like wow wake up.lol | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 11/1/2006 4:36:56 PM | Thanks, Jarbarian. I have actually decided to take some time without contacting her . Its been two weeks weeks since the last time she wrote me an email and three weeks since the last time we talked or I wrote her. It is tough to completely let go but I want the two of us to be happy and this is the only way I can move on now. Maybe someday I can be friends with her but at this time I cannot accept a friendship no matter how much I love and care for her. Who knows, maybe someday she might change her mind but I am not going to wait in vain or hold onto hope and spend more time being unhappy.
You are right, I have no control over her. I've never wanted "control" over her. I cannot possibly be happy in a relationship with her, no matter how perfect she is to me, unless she shared the same passion and excitement that I have for her.
Anyway, thanks for the advice. | |
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doni35
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Joined: 10/24/2006
Msg: 691 | |
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| So you want a second chance? yes I do
Posted: 11/3/2006 8:10:24 AM | Hi Jar,
Good advice. Might be hard to follow but I'll try. The hardest part is acceptance
I have some questions for you and also for women on this tread.
1. I was wondering the status of your relationship? How long ago did you breakup, how long were you together and are you back or have you met a new love? I read about the first 15 pages of this tread and stopped so if you've answered this already I apologize but new people besides me probably want to hear it too.
2. My story. I'll try to keep it short but I want to make sure I give you enough background.
I also figure anyone who doesn't want to read it can scroll down.
My girlfriend broke up with me 1 week shy of our 5th anniversary.
I'm trying to understand things and most of these sites are about young people and relatively short term relationships 2 years or less. I remember when I was young and I’ve definitely grown and changed so I’m not sure if a 20-year-old s love life is the same as 40 year olds.
I'm 46 she 44. She’s divorced with 2 sons in college.
We had a great relationship. Some differences. Sure. She fell for me right away and I tried to go slow but then I went head over heels. After 1 year she asked me to move in. We both own our own homes. But I was at her house most nights. After 2 years I asked her to marry me and then we had problems. She pulled back. I was angry and we argued sometimes. After the 3rd year I asked again and then backed off. I said it’ll happen eventually, and if not, I love her and this is the best relationship I ever had so I was willing to leave it the way it was and never asked again.
After 4 years a friend asked her when we were getting married and this set her off.
She told me we wanted different things and she didn’t know if she ever wanted to get married. She needed to think. We stayed apart for 2 weeks. And then got back together. She said she loved me more than anything.I guess we can all see she is a commitment phobe. When we were together, everything great. Sex life was outstanding. We did things together, spoke every day but whenever it came to talking about the future, even little things like “Where do you want to vacation next year?” She’d pull away.
People thought we were meant for each other because we had such a good relationship.
Strangers would comment on how well we complimented each other.
She had been a little distant for about 2 months. Not the whole time just occasionally. She always told me how much she loved me and that kept me going.
On Columbus Day weekend we went away for a romantic weekend. This trip was a gift from her from last Valentines Day. We had a wonderful romantic weekend. 2 weeks later she pulled away again. She needed “Me Time” to think and then we should talk. She told me that the 5-year part was getting to her and she felt trapped. She took a week to “think” and we were to get together to talk Saturday night.
What really screwed me up was the night she broke up with me.
We stayed a part for the week then she came over to "talk" Well, the talk was a decision. She ended it. Why? Stuff like I'm no good at relationships, I feel trapped, etc. I asked her if she no longer loved me. But she said she did! We cried and then she hugged me and started kissing me. I told her to stop I didn’t want this if she was leaving me. But it happened.We had sex all night and the next day. I woke up and she was cuddling me. We hung out had more sex and romance and then she left at 3pm and it was over!
I asked why did she seduce me? No Answer. I said I don’t understand this whole thing.
She again said she isn’t good at relationships and doesn’t want to be in one again. We cried, she left and it was done
Why did she do that? I guess the sex part I would like some of the women to explain if they can.
I do want her back. I love her and she actually loves me. I will follow your guide because it makes so much sense but I would love answers to help me understand and accept and then heal.
Thank you for your time. I really could use a little help.
W. | |
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| For cjfcjb
Posted: 11/3/2006 8:48:10 AM | Wow, That is terrible.
Your son's a fool but he's young and you tried to do the right thing. The real dork is your ex. He should know better. Was he helpful in raising the kids before this or did he let you do all the work? He may or may not have the hots for the girl. But he does want to be a child again.
Take some solace in that you did the right thing.
And you have a 13 yr old to raise. Take care of yourself and your 13 yr old. Its all you can do.
Good Luck | |
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| So you want a second chance? yes I do
Posted: 11/3/2006 9:58:22 AM |
1. I was wondering the status of your relationship? How long ago did you breakup, how long were you together and are you back or have you met a new love? I read about the first 15 pages of this tread and stopped so if you've answered this already I apologize but new people besides me probably want to hear it too.
We were together for two years, broke up last December for good and have had little to no interaction with her since then. She has a new guy and from what I have heard things are going well for them. Good for her. As for me, no new love yet but the reason isn't a lack of candidates (heh), it's really been me focusing on myself and getting myself healthy so the next woman that comes into my life can reap the benefits of what I have learned and the relationship will last.
2. My story. I'll try to keep it short but I want to make sure I give you enough background.
I also figure anyone who doesn't want to read it can scroll down.
My girlfriend broke up with me 1 week shy of our 5th anniversary.
I'm trying to understand things and most of these sites are about young people and relatively short term relationships 2 years or less. I remember when I was young and I’ve definitely grown and changed so I’m not sure if a 20-year-old s love life is the same as 40 year olds.
I'm 46 she 44. She’s divorced with 2 sons in college.
We had a great relationship. Some differences. Sure. She fell for me right away and I tried to go slow but then I went head over heels. After 1 year she asked me to move in. We both own our own homes. But I was at her house most nights. After 2 years I asked her to marry me and then we had problems. She pulled back. I was angry and we argued sometimes. After the 3rd year I asked again and then backed off. I said it’ll happen eventually, and if not, I love her and this is the best relationship I ever had so I was willing to leave it the way it was and never asked again.
After 4 years a friend asked her when we were getting married and this set her off.
She told me we wanted different things and she didn’t know if she ever wanted to get married. She needed to think. We stayed apart for 2 weeks. And then got back together. She said she loved me more than anything.I guess we can all see she is a commitment phobe. When we were together, everything great. Sex life was outstanding. We did things together, spoke every day but whenever it came to talking about the future, even little things like “Where do you want to vacation next year?” She’d pull away.
People thought we were meant for each other because we had such a good relationship.
Strangers would comment on how well we complimented each other.
She had been a little distant for about 2 months. Not the whole time just occasionally. She always told me how much she loved me and that kept me going.
On Columbus Day weekend we went away for a romantic weekend. This trip was a gift from her from last Valentines Day. We had a wonderful romantic weekend. 2 weeks later she pulled away again. She needed “Me Time” to think and then we should talk. She told me that the 5-year part was getting to her and she felt trapped. She took a week to “think” and we were to get together to talk Saturday night.
What really screwed me up was the night she broke up with me.
We stayed a part for the week then she came over to "talk" Well, the talk was a decision. She ended it. Why? Stuff like I'm no good at relationships, I feel trapped, etc. I asked her if she no longer loved me. But she said she did! We cried and then she hugged me and started kissing me. I told her to stop I didn’t want this if she was leaving me. But it happened.We had sex all night and the next day. I woke up and she was cuddling me. We hung out had more sex and romance and then she left at 3pm and it was over!
I asked why did she seduce me? No Answer. I said I don’t understand this whole thing.
She again said she isn’t good at relationships and doesn’t want to be in one again. We cried, she left and it was done
Why did she do that? I guess the sex part I would like some of the women to explain if they can.
I do want her back. I love her and she actually loves me. I will follow your guide because it makes so much sense but I would love answers to help me understand and accept and then heal.
Thank you for your time. I really could use a little help.
Well the short answer is that she is a commitment phobe based on her first marriage not working out.
I can't answer since I am not in her head, but my best advice when someone is pulling away from you is for you to pull away as well. She said it "I feel trapped" so the more you cling to someone who feels that way, the more trapped they will feel. The best way to handle that is to give them what they want: Freedom from you. It will eventually either pull them back to you for good or push them away for good.
But the bottom line is if you cling to someone who is pulling away it's GUARANTEED to push them away for good. The only chance you have to see if things will work out is to pull away as well.
It will also give you time to decide if this is the person you want to be with. I personally have a big problem with flaky people. If they really, truly "love" you, they will be willing to work through the difficult times. I believe she may care for you but I question if she really loves you -- and I think she questions it as well.
Pull away, follow the guide, don't contact her, live your life and be the best you you can be. There's no sense in chasing someone who doesn't want to be with you -- at least right now. If it's meant to be it will happen. In the meantime, once you are feeling better start going out. Hang out with friends, meet other women, etc.
I know, I make it sound easy but in order to heal you need to get her off your mind. She needs to be put on the back burner Waaaay back.... | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 11/5/2006 5:33:29 PM | Hi everyone
I'm in cold cold Blighty but have really connected with this thread.To Jar the man who started this ....thankyou.I am not hoping for a second chance with the man I loved(still feel as though I do)What I am struggling with is finally letting go.
We were together one week short of a year when he broke it off.He had a bad relationship history & always seemed to "love" & want to live with every woman he dated.He cheated on his first wife & left her for a woman he "met" over the internet in America.She left her children to move to be with him here in England.They married & went on to have a daughter together.He told me she beat him & was an alcoholic....the child is probably not his as he claims she had a one night stand with someone.He dated someone immediately she left him(she took a bag, their daughter & left while he was at work one day)....planned to move in with his new lady after 3 months but she dumped him.
He told me when we got together via an online dating site he had been single for 4 months & worked things through.After we split it turned out he had only been alone for 2 months.He "committed" to me on our second date.It was a long distance relationship(375 miles) but we had a wonderful year together & I adored him.I had doubts because of his past, debts, dreadful lifestyle but thought we could work it all out.He even asked me to marry him after 2 months to be his final wife!As far as I was concerned that was going to happen as soon as his divorce was through.
I worried about how we would merge our lives being so far apart but he always assured me it was "doable".He knew I would not go to live with him as his flat was awful & in a bad area.I never asked him to move here to me despite him dropping hints because I was always scared it was my home he wanted so he could "escape" his dreadful place.
I never in the time we were together doubted his love for me.I felt adored & we had a fantastic physical relationship....a first for me despite having been married in the past!He took me to meet his family & children & they became "family" & looked forward to he & I getting married in the future.I also found a good friend in his first wife & we still are in touch often...as are his parents.Everyone was heartbroken when we split & were so shocked after his declarations of love for me!
I felt a spiritual connection with him I have never felt before & loved him totally more than any other.He always said & acted as though it was the same for him.....even the day he came to tell me it was over!!!Before we split I felt in my heart he would hurt me & was trying to be brave & end it but I couldn't.I tried to be brave & let him go as the reasons he gave for the split were very valid I felt.....stress & commitment of work, family, distance, finances, looming divorce.
It was how he behaved afterwards that led me to suspect there was more to it than he had told me.Eventually I got the truth.He was in "love" with someone else.He worked with her & felt a "lightning bolt" that made him realise she was the one for him.She had a long term partner she dumped for my ex.He did the very thing I always worried about & broke my heart.He moved in with her 3 months later into her home & life!!!
Its 7 months now since we split but still I can't let go.I try & am doing much better but I still long for him & can't believe he no longer feels anything for me after how we were.We have no contact at all but I am in touch with his parents & ex wife.I can't stop talking to them as they mean so much to me.He still hasn't introduced them all to his lady after so long.It hurts so much to think of him happy & loving with her while my heart breaks.
Its hard for me to fill my life & get out & about too as I have ill health & spend most of my time housebound.I can't work any longer so don't even have that as a distraction!My heart still seeks revenge & I can't think kind thoughts.I long for everything to go wrong for him so I can feel better.I am not a nasty person either so its very unlike me to be this way.
If anyone could offer me some advice to help me finally let go & be free to find love again then I would be eternally grateful.I know he would probably not have been good for me & do wonder if I was just someone he used hoping to move but he seemed so genuine when he told me he loved me.I miss his kisses & how he held me close, the words we spoke each day.I feel a huge void where he used to be.Please please help me if you can.
Gratefully yours
CK xx | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 11/5/2006 6:43:57 PM | Letting go is hard, but the best way I have learned to let go is this:
"Don't I deserve better than that?!" Think about it. The ones we pine over are almost always the ones who treated us badly and in the end didn't deserve us.
Don't be upset because when you finally let go of him you will allow the RIGHT man to come into your life. You have to rebuild your confidence and self-esteem and have to continue to tell yourself that the past is over, there's nothing you can do to change it and that if you want your life to be happy YOU have to take control.
You will be miserable as long you allow the past to control your future. You have to learn to break free of the past and look forward to your future. There are so many fish in the sea and you know you deserve someone who loves you as much as you love them.
Give that NEW person a chance by burying your old relationship. The guy you left was a complete user and jerk. Don't you think you deserve better?
I sure do.... | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 11/5/2006 8:27:29 PM | Damn powerful truths there...
I needed to read that and remind myself of a few things.
Thanks for offering that. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 11/6/2006 4:12:00 AM | Letting go is hard alright, really hard. Especially when u have given so much of yourself to a person and a relationship. I can completely understand the no contact guide Jarbarian but it is a hard one to follow. I'm doing my best though. I won't go into the details of my relationship cos it's in the post
"Going back to her ex for the sake of their daughter........"
It's been 3 weeks now since i last spoke to her and it's killing me not having her in my life but i know that i have to let her go, in order for both of us to get on with our lives. I know the guide specifies making absolutely no contact but she has a birthday coming up in a month. Would it be detrimental (hope that's spelled right) to wish her a simple happy birthday and nothing more, through a basic txt message or email. I understand that in order for her to realise what she is missing i need to stay out of her life but i can't help feeling i need to let her know i remembered and do care. I don't want to see her or talk to her just to let her know.
Cheers for all your help............. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 11/6/2006 8:24:06 AM | deadtheory, no, I wouldn't do it. Let it go. As long as you are reminding her of what she has lost, it really isn't going to matter. She's made whatever choice she has made, make her deal with it.
In the meantime your focus should be 100% on you. Work on your self-improvement, go to the gym, get involved in some new hobbies, hang out with family/friends, etc. You can't change the past but you can take control over your future. It's up to you. | |
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