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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 11/6/2006 2:48:53 PM | Jar thankyou for the advice.I am really going to work on this so I find my own inner peace & happiness.God gave us you to share & help.I'm very grateful for that.I sincerely hope you too find the happiness you deserve.Any girl would be proud to have you as her partner.
If ever you travel to England & the Lake district you are welcome to visit.Theres nothing better than someone with a good heart....you have shown yours to us.If ever you need someone to talk to then I'd be proud to do that..many many thanks.
When I get there & recover I shall let you all know.Today is my birthday & very different to last year.....maybe its time to start that new beginning.
God bless you & keep you safe
Helen xx | |
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Rador
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Joined: 9/26/2006
Msg: 702 | |
| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 11/6/2006 3:51:33 PM | | Jarb is full of great advice. He is a godsend for us who need guidance.Thanks again Jarb. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 11/6/2006 4:01:47 PM | Rador, thanks. Please keep in mind I am in no way perfect. I have suffered through the pain all of us here have suffered through. What got me to this point was realizing my own faults and vowing to correct them so I would not end up in the same position every time I met someone new.
"The definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over, expecting different results each time."
If we're constantly finding failure in relationships it isn't the partner we choose as much as it is ourselves. Fix yourself, get healthy, rebuild your confidence and self-esteem and your choice in a partner will change dramatically, breaking the cycle of dating bad people.
Once confidence and self-esteem are at healthy levels you'll stop being attracted to "bad boys" or "bad girls" and start attracting other healthy people which in turn will lead to more rewarding relationships.
Every day I get a little bit better and every day I find that I am no longer attracted to the kind of people I used to be attracted to...and the ones I am attracting now I could only dream of before.
Like I said, fix yourself and the world around you will become better and better every day :)
Cheers. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 11/6/2006 4:09:53 PM | I dont know who you are or how I came across this post of yours. I want to say thank you. You wrote that for me and I really needed to read it...
wizardbreeze | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 11/6/2006 4:16:10 PM |
I dont know who you are
...just some guy :)
or how I came across this post of yours. I want to say thank you. You wrote that for me and I really needed to read it...
You're welcome and glad I could help... | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 11/6/2006 4:22:34 PM | I have just recently been dumped by a woman. I do think I know where I went wrong in the relationship and I think there may be some sound reason to try again. I have never tried to try again and I would definately take the plan you set forth about what to do before it is actually attempted. Besides...I want that time to make sure I actually WANT to try again. I'm still sore and hurt right now and I am sure that factors into my thinking.
However...and this could be useful to anyone, not just me. If you are a guy who was dumped by a girl and want to try and get her back down the road...how would you do that? How would you begin? Especially after not talking for all that time? What would be the reason for contacting her again months later?
Just curious to know....great post by the way!
Jeff | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 11/6/2006 4:32:03 PM |
However...and this could be useful to anyone, not just me. If you are a guy who was dumped by a girl and want to try and get her back down the road...how would you do that? How would you begin? Especially after not talking for all that time? What would be the reason for contacting her again months later?
Depends on why you broke up. It's much harder for a man to get a woman back who has dumped them simply because women take a long time to come to the conclusion that the relationship needs to end.
Men, on the other hand, usually do not think things entirely through and end up regretting it later. Women can and do, it's just not as often as men. In addition, women have a much stronger support group than men do (who will usually validate their decision to end a relationship).
In your case the best thing I can tell you is to implement NO CONTACT right now. No calling, no text, no emailing, no drunk dialing, no IM - NOTHING! Stop contact cold turkey. This needs to last for at least two months. During that time you need to focus completely on you and get her out of your mind. That's why hanging with friends, indulging in new hobbies and working out are important. They keep your mind off her.
When you think about her, have three other things in your mind that you like to do and FORCE yourself to think about those things instead. When you start to reminsce about the good times, force yourself to remember all her bad qualities (no matter how miniscule you think they may be).
Bottom line is the NO CONTACT time is YOUR time. It's time to get to know who you are, what you want and it's freedom away from the headache and trials of the last relationship. Once you rebuild your confidence and self-esteem you may not want a second chance with her.
The more my confidence and self-esteem returns the more I end up shaking my head -- at myself -- wondering what the heck I was thinking for fighting so hard for someone who never appreciated me. I wasted two years of my life on someone who was selfish and made it clear many times they did not love me (she said she did, but never acted like it and in the end, never believe what they say, believe what they do).
I could have invested that time on a woman who really wanted to be with me but instead of I was dumb, deaf and blind. Now that those issues are resolved I can sit back and see the relationship for what it was. Completely one-sided and a waste of my time! | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 11/6/2006 10:31:31 PM | Yes I understand all of that...I really do. I have a plan formulated in my mind that I plan on acting out starting this very day and it is all about me and my self improvement as a whole being. In 3 months time I am going to re-evaluate then if I have any desire to be with her. I can think of some very good logic now why I just might want to see if we would try each other again and some ideas of what rules would need to be put down to start...but then again I am not ignoring the fact that I am still hurting (not as much now that I have a plan for myself actually...but still hurting) and in 3 months I may not want to even try to start with her again...but in case I do come to that conclusion then...what then?
Actually I think I have it figured out...tell me if I am wrong.
IF in 3 months (or longer if need be) time I decide I do WANT to see about another attempt (and I have NEVER considered the possibility before in my life, actually), I think just being frank and honest would be the way to go. I would at that time (never before) write her an email stateing that while I understand why she left (I had been in a extremely unusual and tramatic "relationship" for a year and a half that ended 6 months before I got together with her and I did not see the damage I was still under. I became needy and clingy because my sense of self worth was shot) it did not mean she was right in any way to betray me like she did. However, I do find myself wondering that if I had not been the mopey, clingy, depressed self I was under that particular set of pre-existing circumstances, if she would have betrayed me at all. So I would propose a do-over. I would state my reasons why I think it would be worth the consideration, what changes I have made in myself and for myself...and then stress the fact that I am over her, no longer in love with her and do not need her or would be anyway affected or hurt by a refusal. That I am simply curious to find out if we let a good thing go by us both acting emotionally dumb or if there was a more legitimate reason for our split after all.
How does that sound? I know it's kind of rough but am I on the right track with my thinking or would I be taking the exact wrong approach IF I, at that time, decided to contact her again about the possibilty of a brand new start? | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 11/7/2006 12:23:19 AM |
I became needy and clingy because my sense of self worth was shot...
Then if you even so much as go to her and ask for a second chance you have not proven you are NOT needy and clingy.
She has to come to you in this situation, you can not go back to her. Doing so gives her complete power and control over you.
I highly, highly recommend you do not follow this course of action if you indeed want a second chance.
Read "Love Must Be Tough" by Dr. James Dobson. He explains why running TO someone that doesn't want to be with you is the worst thing you can do. Until SHE wants to be with you, until HER heart changes, anything you do to try and win her back will backfire.
Badly.... | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 11/7/2006 9:32:51 AM | Thank you, your advice is wonderful. I will try my hardest to follow it to T!
I have recently broke up with my Boyf after 8 years together, I dont think I realised how much he meant to me until I'd lost him! He left me, which was a huge shock to myself and family and friends, as he was very much the needy one in the relationship, he was very insecure, and was always worried about loosing me.
Anyway I found out I was pregnant soon after he left me and is saying he doesnt want anything to do with me or the baby (which is his baby).
Thanks | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 11/8/2006 1:52:22 PM | | I'd say that's an amazing post. I've been through many relationships and sometimes I dwelled on what happened and then sometimes I didn't. Sometimes it was easy for me to let go and then other times it was not, then other times I just got used to it, its been done to me many times, I've been the dumpee. It may seem hard to have no contact but I know for a fact that if your mind is set on many other things that may be more important it will be that much easier for you to recover and find your true self, and what went wrong. Theory says that we all have 20 20 vision on our hindsite, I know I do. Most people in this world are attracted to independance, not many find it in a partner, that's where my problem was in searching for Mr. Right, I would always have a good enough heart to look past independancy when I shouldn't have. I know now the difference, so I just wanted to say even though your not an expert you did a wonderful job on posting about dating advice! | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 11/8/2006 2:19:06 PM |
Work on your self-improvement, go to the gym,
Thats what i did -- very nice positive effects - | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 11/10/2006 7:37:57 AM | Guys i can assure u that the NO CONTACT RULE really works!! My boyfriend broke up with me 4 months ago, and wow, i was BROKEN at the beggining....i couldn't stop crying, didn't want to go out with friends, i isolated completely from my family/friends...and called him, sent txt messages...and one day we spoke and he told me i was important for him, but that he needed time to be ALONE....to think, to live without me....and he really broke my heart, i didn't know what to do, i loved him so much, but had to hide the love i felt for him because..he didn't need it? ....and time passed by....and i got better...i didn't contact him, i just gave him his time...and some days ago he wrote me an email...because he wanted to know how i was...
It is hard to understand that if the other person needs time without us, by trying to force contact the only thing we do not achieve is to have them closer...we put ourselves in the position of begging some love, but do we really deserve that???.... so it's really hard, but time can heal hearts...if we only understand that we cannot control the situation, that the decision is on their side, that the only thing we can do is try to continue with our lives, have fun, rebuild our self-confidence.....and maybe someday.....they realise that they really missed you and want to try again! The waiting can be terrible...but if you focus on you, things are different! at the end, you will be fine with yourself, happy...and then if they come back, you'll see what you decide to do....but if they don't come back....at least you have already began to heal! | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 11/11/2006 4:02:49 AM | Hi There Its true, what you say, its so hard to move on and have no contact but self preservation is key in this situation. If we contact the person they wont have time to think, giving them the time it can make them think of us"what we are doing " "where we are" Etc !!
I hope it all worksw out for you hun xx | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 11/12/2006 11:12:24 PM | I want a second chance, so I can slam the door shut and walk away with my head held high and realize at the very beginning that he was loser . Then having to wait for 3 months to pass, missing him. and then finally seeing him again and thinking OMG HE IS A LOSER, was I crazy.....oh and I want a second chance to say no to sex with men who really did nothing for me at all....and it was all for them lol...wow that would be great lmao | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 11/13/2006 4:24:38 PM | | My girl pushed me away when she got sick. First time I've been shut out by someone who fell ill. Of course we said some things to one another and then she ended it. After 2 months of no contact at all, I was in her city (drove 600 km every weekend) and left a card in her mailbox apologizing for things I said and that I still had feelings for her. I never expected a reply at all but she sent me an e-mail thanking me for the card and said she had time to think things over. Then she told me I could call her. I'm a very happy guy. I'm going to see her next weekend and who knows? Anyway....a simple card with some nice words I wrote has done wonders for me. I'm praying she'll be in my life again and all will be well. Good Luck!! | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 11/13/2006 5:11:33 PM | imhereruca, please READ and FOLLOW the guide before you see her. Also, I would read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" before you head back there. There's a wealth of information in there that will stop you from making mistakes.
Best of luck in your second chance. Treat her like a brand new date, ok? | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 11/13/2006 10:16:28 PM | hey all...thought I would just post my 2 cents or my probs which ever you want to call it....well back in august the ex and I split...3 years in but it was a rocky road...we have a 2 year old son....I have tried to move on...cause I know shes not coming back...we went through alot of sh*t together...she said she wasnt giving me anymore chances....but to me its not just giving me or her anymore chances....its giving *US* another chance...when you know your good together your good to go right? we both knew that...it was always the littlest, stupidest things we broke up over...but about this moving on thing I met someone thru PoF...an we talked for a few weeks...as friends never really talked about a relationship till after we met in person...we didnt really go out for a first date...she has 2 kids...they were cute an cool...so we went to her place she picked me up...we had a few things in common but it was the most I had in common with a girl before like just our interests were about the same on how much we liked them....so anyway later on that night she started cookin..so I got bored sitting on the couch an thought Id go over an chat while she is preping it all an cooking...then she would walk away an I kinda started helpin her out cookin...just to show I was sincere or just interested in her.....then well she came over an kissed me out of the blue...an it was really wierd...(in a good way) never had the feeling i did then...later on that night sitting on the couch with her (where I honestly an truthfully was gonna sleep by myself) she desided to get up off the couch kick me off the couch an then pulled out the hide-a-bed. So yea thought she was just pullin it out for me then goin off to bed..which was cool dont want to spoil anything right...but thats not what happened..she grabbed 4 pillows couple blankets an then we laid there watching tv holdin her close...she passed out sleeping...but while we were laying there, her asleep in my arms was the best feeling I think I ever had well it was like the 2nd best feeling I have ever had the first was watching my son being born nothing will ever top that...I never slept that night with her in my arms an that has never happened to me before....then well the next day came an I think I fu*ked something up that day (just somehow ruin all the good things in my life) I helped her out most of the day with cleanin house here an there watched her kids so she could do what she needed to do...wasnt long like 30 mins tops...she seemed kinda distant most of the day....then well she brought me home we had plans to go out again...then well she met up with an ex later on that night an they talked an desided to work things out..so that left me out of luck which really sux..cause I kinda fell for her...I havent talked to her since...so I dont think it was the ex I think it was a cover...i know I fu*ked it up just would love to know what the hell I did or said or did I just try to hard who knows I hate this whole meeting new people and dating stuff..just no good at it...lol...but to the girl Id treat her as well as she treated me.....what goes around, comes around
can I babble or what lol well hope you all can make sense of this lol | |
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Revman
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Joined: 11/7/2006
Msg: 719 | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 11/14/2006 12:04:15 AM | The only way to stop the pain is to make up your mind to let go of her. Once you do that than every moment you are thinking about something else is a moment of happiness and joy automatically.
Remember she is not the only beautiful woman in the world. So, you idolize the desired attributes and convince yourself that she is portraying those attributes when infact she is not. You want to stay in love so badly that you convince yourself she is protraying those attributes that you are looking for but in reality she is not. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 11/14/2006 1:18:56 AM | SNO1966 Message 114 was the best piece of advice I read on this thread.....People should read the works of Don Miguel Ruiz..."The Four Agreements" and "The Mastery of Love". There he talks about being honest to yourself and all those around you....
Honesty is the best policy.....and I agree why work at trying to get back with someone who doesnt want you in their life.....I NEVER WANT TO BE WITH ANYONE WHO DOESNT WANT ME...loss of precious time and your precious life.
Something ended that I was in a few months ago....I whined and cried and felt so bad and read so many self-help books, that after all that, I felt like I got off a rollar coaster ride and was more confused as to my own feelings.
Some of what the OP says is true.....about self-love, boundaries and self respect...but SNO1966 tells it exactly the way it is.
I felt that this thread was very helpful and kudos to the OP that started it...lots of time went into it....but my best thanks goes to SNO1966, I copied what you said and have it hung up by my computer...makes so much sense...thank you
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 11/14/2006 1:20:01 AM | | DON'T give her another chance to make a fool out of you. DON'T give her another chance to hurt you. The only way you can solve this situation is to let go. There is no special magic, other than finding the magic in you to erase this women the first time. DON'T let her take you again. The damage is done, now set your self free to live and be happy. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 11/14/2006 12:28:24 PM | KDS I agree, but following the guide sets you up to rebuild your confidence and self-esteem and in the end, you may not even want them back anyway! (And good on you if you don't).
Another key is to LEARN from your past failures to avoid the same mistakes in the future. That is what each and every failed relationship is supposed to teach us, for the definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over expecting different results each time. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 11/14/2006 12:55:04 PM | | KUDO'S my young friend jarbarian. What you haved learned in "relationships" most will never learn and your sporting a 29 page thread with your advise. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 11/14/2006 8:12:24 PM | | i was with this guy for 4 years broke up here and there cuz we fought all the time about stoppied things..After 3 years we broke up i met someone else and got pregnant..My ex was not happy but i called it off with the babies dad and my ex took me back..Hormoned flew and fighting all the time..He left me for another women and i had the baby a week later..Him and his new girl just broke up i am still in love with him and now he is calling me again and paying attention to me..and now he saids he loves me and wants to be with me but keeps thinking about his ex...and he is wating for her to see what she wants..he thinks about me and her..So what do i do just move on??? | |
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