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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 4/15/2006 2:26:23 PM | good post, good info i can use right now.
i agree wtih billbug about usually never giving second chances, thats my theory also that if it didn't work the first time maybe its not meant to and i just dont grant forgiveness too often.
in my situation at the moment, we never dated. we were just best friends for years and i was head over heels for him and he knew it but "wasnt the right time" and now due to a comment i made almost a year ago he got pretty upset at me and told me he didn't want to be friends anymore. seven months later, im still struggling very hard to get through without my best friend there for me and i really thought i deserved a shot at being his gf.
i usually dont forgive therefore usually dont ask for it but this time i have and he accepted but then a few months later it got brought up again and he chose to be mad and end the friendship.
is asking for forgiveness a second time a huge no no or semi ok?
what about the possiblity of a "Second chance" if we never were together? i just want my friend back and id love to date him eventually
mind you im only 19 and he is 22. we both turn a year older in a few months | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 4/15/2006 5:43:32 PM |
mind you im only 19 and he is 22. we both turn a year older in a few months
Chalk it up to hm beng immature.
A note on second chances. Sometimes the time isn't right for that relationship to work out. Career, school, life, etc throws a curve ball at you.
The thing is, if the situation is right for a second chance then there's a good possiblity it will work out.
If you, them or the situation hasn't changed signficantly, don't give a second chance. You'll end up right where you left off. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 4/18/2006 8:03:57 PM | | Ladies and gents, as an older woman, i'm here to tell you that men always want a second chance. A second chance to make themselves feel good and have closure, not to make you feel any better. Here's a quick overview of a current situation with me. I had a long term relationship for 10 years. I finally got the strength to walk away. I moved to another state and cut all contact. 5 years later he tracked me down thru the internet and wanted to see me again. Isn't that the craziest thing. They cause you to leave, then they won't leave you alone! | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 4/18/2006 9:25:22 PM | Jarbarian: Here's a testimonial to how true this is that just happened to me.
I met this beautiful man back in November of 2003. I asked him to be my date at my work Christmas party. The first words out of his mouth was that "I can't get into a relationship". I told him I was asking him out on a date not a relationship. He agreed to go. It turned into a relationship. I soon realized that I was his rebound girl. But I wasn't alone. He was also my rebound guy. We did our best making it work but events would happen involving the ex's and eventually it took it's toll and we broke up. That was 2 years ago. The other day he showed up on my door step. You could have knocked me over with a feather. There was no contact with the exception that I had him on my Christmas card list. He told me that this last card is still on his refrigerator. We talked about everything that happened and chalked it all up to "bad timing" which it was. Now we both are ready for each other.
What I find interesting is that he has been thinking about contacting me since this last Christmas card. He looked up my number in the phone book but I no longer have a land line since I changed my internet provider to cable. He thought I moved. He no longer had my cell phone number so he drove by my house and saw that it was up is up for sale. My same truck was in the driveway though so he knew I still lived here. He realized that he didn't have the luxury of time because if I moved, he wouldn't be able to find me. He claims that he tried to come to the door many times during the last 6 weeks but he couldn't and didn't. So on the day he showed up, he took off work (2nd shifter) and made a commitment to do it. It's so funny that he said even when he pulled into the driveway and thought he could back out and act like he was just turning around since he has a different car now. He didn't. He came to the door. I'm so glad he did. I think for us, it wasn't 2nd chances and forgiveness. Our timing was all wrong. There was no one event where we did each other wrong. I'm so happy that he had the balls to come knock on my door and take a chance. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 4/19/2006 9:39:23 PM | | jarbarian.... You are amazing! You could not have said it better.... Words I will live by for along time to come. I plan to share what you wrote with several of my firends.. :) Thank you! | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 4/25/2006 10:00:18 AM | Thank you, Angelkisses74.
I wanted to let you and everyone else know that I am living this guide right now. I am working on a second chance with the love of my life and after 4 months of no contact we talked over the weekend and she agreed to go to lunch with me.
That's step 1.
Now what I am going to do when I meet her is be my confident, secure, fun self. I won't discuss the past or place blame. I'm going to make this lunch so darn fun that she is going to suggest we do it again. :) | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 4/27/2006 9:48:43 AM | | WOW!! You are a very intellegent person. I can relate to every step and intend to follow through with it in every way. I am going to add Prayer first thought. Great insights!! | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 4/29/2006 5:46:46 PM | That's probably the best words of advice I have ever read or heard in my life. My boyfriend and I just broke up two weeks ago. I thought we had the best relationship. We were madly in love with one another and wanted to be together forever, he even gave me a promise ring. Sure we fought occasionally, but it was never yelling and screaming it was just one of us disagreeing with the other. I always thought this was "normal" because no relationship can go without ever fighting. The break up came as a complete and utter shock to me. I had said some really stupid things to him one night about how I was sick of his childish games and if he didn't answer his phone we were over (I had hung up on him, but called him back). After I had said all this he told me he didn't know if he wanted to be with me anymore and finally decided after talking to people that he just couldn't take it anymore. He says that he still loves me he just can't do this right now because of all the stress from school and work.
I am completely heartbroken because as I said I was under the impression we were very happy together. I am holding out hope for a second chance because I truly believe that we are meant to be. I have not talked to him in a week. In fact he has not even contacted me to get his apartment key or any of his other stuff back from me. Now he has regained contact with old friends that he lost touch with due to a previous fight he had with one of them and he is enjoying life and partying like a normal college guy. When we first broke up I felt it was all my fault for always creating fights, but I have come to realize that it is not my fault. I was only expressing my feelings and I am not willing to give up over something that minor. He for some reason thinks that in relationships there should not be this much fighting and in reality it is only normal and he is just running from the situation rather than confronting it. I just hope that he soon gets his head out of his ass and realizes the huge mistake he made. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 4/30/2006 1:06:45 PM | This is great stuff Jarbarian!
I'm currently going through a break up that I initiated.
Although I'm the breaker I still feel like crap.
I really like the boundaries section in this thread. Although my ex and I never really laid out any definitive boundaries the reason why we are now broken up is for her lack of respect for me and possibly my overzealousness to this one matter.
She has said and wrote so many good things about how she felt but then turned around and did things that were completely opposite.
Without getting into much detail - I don't want to bore you - she has been abruptly hanging up the phone on me during recent conversations and despite me telling her that I didn't like this, it didn't seem to help.
This past Wednesday she hung up the phone on me and hasn't called back since. I was very hurt by this action and reacted a bit to "off the cuff" without putting much thought behind my action (I know, BAD!)
I sent her an email outlining the reasons why I was hurt and followed but with some unanswered phone calls and text messages.
She finally writes back last night to say that she never brought her phone with her...but she does write that she feels awful and that she is really sorry. To which, my dumb a$$ says, " it's okay, I may have overreacted only because I'm crazy about you." Not surprisingly, she never responded. So I figured I'd continue the self degradation and call her. She answered and did not sound like the typical loving person that I'm used to - she was curt and unloving. She did happen to ask me if I was okay. I then continued down the path of self destruction and tried to talk about the issue, meanwhile she is leaving a bar with a group of friends. It gets better. I than tell her I still love her despite her recent lack of feeling and I ask her if she loves me. To my hearts dismay, all I heard was a moment of silence and "I will talk to you tomorrow" and a hang up.
So, I picked up every last piece of self dignity I had left and texted her asking her to never contact me again. This may have been, again, off the cuff but like you mentioned in this thread I need to accept that some things just aren't meant to be and I need to stop projecting my ideals onto my ex when what I want her to be is not necessarily who she is and just accept that she is not ever going to change and I need someone that I want to be with.
I have forgiven her and truly wish she finds her happiness with or without me.
Thanks again for the great thread it certainly helped in my endeavor towards healing. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 4/30/2006 1:53:46 PM | | Some marriages were a bad idea from the get go. And that goes for relationships too. I took my husband back 19 times. What insanity. I thought I could change him. What a laugh. He swore he would change and stay changed. He did, only for 6 months if not sooner. He didn't like being the bread winner or making the serious decisions. I had too. So, if its big issues in the relationships, the deal breaker will not stay changed for long. He or she never meant to stay changed. Only long enough to get in good with you. Let them go and don't look back, you will trip and fall over your own two feet. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 4/30/2006 11:40:54 PM | | My fiance and me have been together for two years. During our first year we were so devoted to each other. I had met her when i got out of basic training in the army. I was hoome on leave and i we were both still virgins. When I first saw her all i wanted was sex i didnt know what she wanted though. a week before i left for korea i hadnt made any progress so i stopped talking to her. i went out with family and a couple of friends to the movies and we hooked up with some girls there. that night i finally lost my virginity. since then i was in korea for a year came back to the U.S. and got shipped to iraq a month later. when we were on our way back from iraq in kuwait she emailed me and so we started talking again. i got back on valentine day and when i went home that day i met her again. that is when we started going out. i told her i would wait to have any sexual contact with her unilshe was ready. i proposed to her on her b-day. we had planned to get married this year. we were both so siked about it. she was looking for rings and applied to a bunch wedding stuff. we moved in to the place that i am living in last october. then two tuesdays ago we got into a big arguement i dont remember why it all started. i went to work and when i got home she had most of her stuff packed and she was gone. i didnt even have a chance to tell her how sorry i was and to give her a hug. she called me the next day and said she was on a plane to VA. i tried to talk to her about it and she wont even talk to me about it. for the past two weeks all i could think about was her and her being with another guy i try not to think about it but it just pops up in my head and i just start crying. i have never lived alone my whole life and i cant stand it. i feel like i need her so much. i have been trying to find a way to make this feeling go away. i have even thought about hurting my self over this. i have tried to forget about it but i cant find any thing to do i am new to this town. can you offer me any thing to help me get my mind off of her. i really need help. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/1/2006 12:02:46 AM | skyblue, why do you "need" someone in your life? I understand you're feeling lonely but I want you to think about what I am about to say.
"The only person you NEED in your life -- is you." I don't mean that in a selfish way. What I mean to say is that if you can not make yourself happy alone, you can not make anyone else happy. You need to fill your life with so many things that you're HAPPY being alone. I know it sounds morbib but honestly you can not make someone else happy if you do not know how to YOURSELF happy.
It sucks when relationships don't work out but by my guess you are pretty young. Learn from this experience because what you take from this, both positive and negative, will effect how you handle the next relationship. Learn what mistakes you made. Learn to focus on self-improvement wherever you can. Focus on your needs and what makes you happy that does not include someone else. Write down some small goals you want to accomplish this year and post them somewhere where you can see them every day. Make sure the goals are exclusive to YOU and do not include anyone else to make them happen.
I'm sorry you're having problems but ask yourself "If she could get on a plane and leave me that easily, how much did she really love me?" Don't call her. Don't beg or plead for her to come back. Stick to the advice in this guide because if she is to come back it has to be on her own free will. You can not "coax" her back to you. She has to miss you. Remember the first time you stopped calling her? Remember why you felt that way and how you did it?
Do it again. But this time with the knowledge of the mistakes you made in the past and vow not to repeat them. There's no guarantee she is coming back and you have to accept that. If you don't you will never heal correctly.
Focus on yourself.
Thank you for serving our Country and BE SAFE. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/1/2006 12:13:49 AM | avidskier,
I hope you don't get offended by my advice, but here goes:
When someone hurts you and apologizes it is never a good idea to say "It's ok." You are basically telling them that it's OK to hurt you. The best answer is "please don't do it again." That's a boundary. You are not "approving" of her hurting you. You are setting a boundary. For example let's say she hung up on you and you said "I don't like when you do that" and she replies "I'm sorry." You say "Just don't do it anymore."
If she does it again, then you don't call her. If she calls, let it go to voicemail. Teach her that you're not going to allow her to treat you that way. And mean it.
See, boundaires are worthless if you don't have repercussions for crossing them. Women instinctively know that when they are able to cross a man's boundaries with no repercussions they know he is not a strong and cofident man. By that I mean she knows she can walk all over him and he'll kiss her rear end.
It's also not good to be handing over your personal power to her by asking if she loved you or calling her a lot, etc. That's a very bad thing to do. You're being needy and clingy. Of course her tone changed after you handed over your personal power. She figured out everything I am telling you now about yourself.
My suggestion to you is to read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by David Glover. He explains why women walk over nice guys (door mats) and why they love balanced men (not jerks). The old rule is:
"Women reluctantly leave nice guys"
"Women reluctantly stay with jerks"
But the best women in the world are had by balanced men. Men who aren't too nice and aren't too much of a jerk. There's a fine line you have to balance and it starts with your own confidence and self-respect.
Don't let women walk all over you, but don't be an a-hol either.
Got me? :)
Good luck. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/1/2006 4:07:50 AM | | "When we met it honestly wasn't dating or ne thing, we were hot for each other and over time we began to fall for each other. " - That's your quote and viewpoint. I'd guess you were hot for each other, and that's what you had. There's no way to say this in a nice way, that it appears the relationship is over, because sex is what you had, and it's become stale and old (to him). Although he's likely said many other things, I'll bet he's with someone else he is now hot for, and will repeat the cycle again and again. | |
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sunnid
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Joined: 3/27/2006
Msg: 69 | |
| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/1/2006 4:34:51 AM | I'm not sure where you got that info, but it's right on the money. My ex and I broke up 6 weeks ago on our 9 month anniversary, before he moved out of state (to some small, lonely, no-name town) for a job. We saw each other every weekend, talked every day, had tons in common and got along perfectly. Yes, he said he loved me right up to the last day. Was I shocked? Yes. I walked around like a zombie for a couple weeks, then snapped out of it and began chatting with other guys, all the while hoping he'd come back and give us a 2nd chance. We've exchanged a few emails and a couple calls, but I'm realizing that, the more time I spend not contacting him, the more he may not have been the one for me. So the tips can work TWO FOLD!
Thanks for the tips, Jarbarian! | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/1/2006 10:30:52 AM |
I'm not sure where you got that info, but it's right on the money.
Lots of personal experience, reading and talking to others who have been through something similar.
My ex and I broke up 6 weeks ago on our 9 month anniversary, before he moved out of state (to some small, lonely, no-name town) for a job. We saw each other every weekend, talked every day, had tons in common and got along perfectly. Yes, he said he loved me right up to the last day. Was I shocked? Yes. I walked around like a zombie for a couple weeks, then snapped out of it and began chatting with other guys, all the while hoping he'd come back and give us a 2nd chance. We've exchanged a few emails and a couple calls, but I'm realizing that, the more time I spend not contacting him, the more he may not have been the one for me. So the tips can work TWO FOLD!
I'm glad you got there. The thing is we have to go away before our ex's will miss us. The worst thing you can do is cling to them for dear life. If you have respect for yourself you will not "chase" after them. If it was meant to be, it will happen -- but only if you allow it to happen naturally and not "pursue" them. If it doesn't you'll get stronger because of this experience and find someone else. There's too many people on this earth for there to be only one person we're compatible with. Well, most of us anyway ;)
Thanks for the tips, Jarbarian!
You're most welcome. If I have helped anyone get through the pain easier then I've done what I've accomplished. :) | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/1/2006 11:09:57 AM | My goodeness, you certainly have a lot of very good information! I wish I had seen this two years ago when my last relationship ended. You make some very good points, hopefully others will be able to take solace from your words of advice.
And good luck with lunch with your ex!
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/1/2006 12:00:38 PM | Jar...I actually copied and pasted your advice, printed it and read it at least 8 times a day...you are an extremely intelligent and insightful guy...I know how you feel about the love of your life and hope and pray for you that you win her back...lucky girl..
Sanschele | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/1/2006 1:11:11 PM | Jarbarian,
No offense at all.
That makes perfect sense and it only became apparent after the damage was already done.
I know that sometimes my emotions get the best of me and that I have to stand my ground and set those boundaries.
The healing process sucks. I pretty much know we aren't meant to be together but my self worth and self esteem have taken a big hit and therefore the healing process will not be overnight.
You're so completely right, if I haden't jumped to conclusions and stood my ground and not contacted her at all after she hung up on me Wednesday, I may have not been in this predicament and she probably would have more respect for me.
Oh well...que sera...sera.
Thanks again! | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/1/2006 1:38:46 PM |
Jar...I actually copied and pasted your advice, printed it and read it at least 8 times a day...you are an extremely intelligent and insightful guy...I know how you feel about the love of your life and hope and pray for you that you win her back...lucky girl..
Sanschele
Thank you Sanschele. I hope everything works out for you as well. We're supposed to go to lunch this week but we'll see. I'm not emailing/calling her because I've done my part. The ball is in her court and I'm not going to chase. If she is interested in spending time with me she'll let me know. If not then I know where I (still) stand.
No offense at all.
That makes perfect sense and it only became apparent after the damage was already done.
I know that sometimes my emotions get the best of me and that I have to stand my ground and set those boundaries.
The healing process sucks. I pretty much know we aren't meant to be together but my self worth and self esteem have taken a big hit and therefore the healing process will not be overnight.
You're so completely right, if I haden't jumped to conclusions and stood my ground and not contacted her at all after she hung up on me Wednesday, I may have not been in this predicament and she probably would have more respect for me.
Oh well...que sera...sera.
Thanks again!
Avidskier, the important thing is that you've learned what not to do. The hard thing is actually implementing what you've learned. That's why I often recommend "No More Mr. Nice Guy..." by David Glover because it teaches you why men fall into the nice guy syndrome and how to get over it.
Society has been teaching men that it's NOT OK to be a man. Nothing could be further from the truth and I would argue that men not being men is a HUGE problem. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/1/2006 7:05:25 PM | Jar..things will work out as destined for us....and for you..my heart is aching..when did I arrive here?? When did I lose my heart?? I feel like a lost lamb. You are the only guy that makes a difference in the forums..help me with your guidance..I am going slowly insane without him....and dag..I'm considered 'educated'..lol
Sanschele | |
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