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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 11/17/2006 7:09:27 PM | | You are so right here and we don't even realize what we are doing until we actually read it and realize oh my god that's me, thank you for the realization that life does have lots to offer and so do I time to take this advice and put it to use before I totally lose my self respect it makes so much sense thanks again oh mighty wiseman. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 11/17/2006 10:09:15 PM |
So what do i do just move on???
Follow the guide exactly. After 2 months of no contact, then see where your head is at and make a decision. There is no need to rush right now. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 11/21/2006 6:00:37 AM | | HI, MY NAME IS HENRY . THE ADVICE THAT YOU WROTE WAS GREAT. I THOUGHT IT WAS RIGHT ON. I DO MEAN THIS! | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 11/21/2006 11:23:15 AM | | Age never is a factor to wisdom, thanks so much for taking the time to write that whole guide. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 11/21/2006 1:14:55 PM | I am not seeking a second chance...I did post a few times on here in jest saying what I would do if I had a second chance lol.....
The reason why it didnt work out in the first place, will definitely come into play once again, if you start all over again...it doesnt work....if it was over...then it was over....in the long run you should have tried to support it and work things out together the first time...if the other party wasnt willing then.... why think they are willing in a second chance.....dont delude yourself. Do the healthy thing...which was mentioned in a post on here....scream, cry, throw fits, find a willing person who will listen and dont believe you have to be over it so quickly...get over the pain first no matter how long it takes...thats what will make you healthy. YOU NEED TO FEEL IT FIRST...dont distract yourself from it...or you will be holding it back and it will last longer.
I agree with doing things that make you happy and are good for you, but in all honesty...you should have been doing all that, in the first place when you were in the relationship..and through out your whole life....dont stop if you get that second chance!
This guide (parts of it of course are not relevant) really should be used when you are in the relationship, then after....before you even get into one...you should love yourself etcetc.
I did the rebound thing tried to distract with someone else and the OP is right it never works and senseless hollow sex isnt even worth it, when you had that kind you loved in the relationship...it only makes you feel worse.
Second Chances hardly work...look at all the people who remarried just to end up with a second divorce....not pleasant.
I was told there are millions of people out there why spend your time thinking constantly about the second chance....if you dont live in the moment...you will be MISSING OPPORTUNITIES....
Please dont live your life by this guide and follow it religiously it wont help you but just make it more painful...
YOU ARE WORTH IT....."Whatever life takes away from you, let it go. When you surrender and let go of the past, you allow yourself to be fully alive in the moment. Letting go of the past means that you can enjoy the dream that is happening right now."
"You are never responsible for the actions of others, but you are responsible for YOU. If someone is not treating you with love and respect, it is a GIFT if they walk away from you. You may hurt for a while, but your heart will eventually heal."
Don Miquel Ruiz
Some very good books to read that will support you and help you regain your self-respect and self-esteem, that I found tremendously helpful are:
The Four Agreements, The Mastery of Love, The Four Agreements Companion Book, The Book of Knowledge, Beyond Fear.........all by Don Miguel Ruiz
Lots of advice by the Op was very supportive and helpful in my own experience.....but honestly people, realize it ended in the first place for a reason and no amount of what I read as more of manipulation than anything else in the guidelines will help it succeed. The no contact is good advice only FOR YOU....the last thing you need, is the other person wanting you back, cause they feel you dont want them anymore....its a rut, get out of it, move on to bigger and better things....YOU ARE WORTH IT....
I have to be honest it made me feel so much better getting stuff off my chest in emails to him etc etc...knowing I would never get that chance again...Once that wore off...I didnt feel the need to get in contact, I never regret anymore that I did it....feels good actually....Im glad!
I loved him and he didnt love me back....at least I know I can love and am willing to love again....took me 3 months to get to this point...I still have my ups and downs but its really not over him anymore. Life is a process...
Please dont spend time thinking everyday how you are doing all this to get your second chance.....smell the roses and go for your first chance again!!! Good luck
By no means was this a slight to the OP....kudos for all his time he spent on this thread and to everyone who still wants that second chance...Good luck to you as well!!
Time is precious and life is short...remember that! | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 11/21/2006 1:34:38 PM | Ladybug, good post. I didn't take it as a shot on my thread. Actually if you read the guide through it basically shows you how to get over them so you can better decide, should a second chance occur, whether you really want that second chance at all.
Often times we are devastated after a breakup and really instead of focusing on the ex we need to focus on rebuilding and improving ourselves.
Once your self-esteem and confidence are rebuilt you may just find end up with someone much, much better for you than your ex ever was.
Cheers! | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 11/21/2006 5:20:06 PM | Hey you really nailed that one! i was almost on the verge of calling my ex, to wish him n his kids a happy thanksgiving, untill I read this, ur right it has taken me so long to get over him n im not even close yet, cause I always call him on them drunken nights feeling sorry for myself. But he never calls me? so thanks for all the good advice it really made me see a diffrent outlook on things. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 11/21/2006 5:38:01 PM | | This was this best Thread I've read on here....but that is just my opinion. I will be keeping an eye out for anymore from you lol. Stay safe ya'all.... | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 11/22/2006 9:59:47 AM | Hey Jarbarian,
I wrote an email to you....pressed send and it disappeared....not sure as to why? maybe your mail settings...
I bet you get tons of that all day and I dont blame you...
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 11/22/2006 10:01:00 AM | I didn't get it and I don't have any mail filters (so anyone can email me if they have questions)....
Try again? | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 11/26/2006 7:28:15 PM | I have a question Jarbarian..........what happens if both parties are following the rule of no contact......who breaks and makes first contact?
what then???? | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 11/27/2006 9:23:41 AM |
I have a question Jarbarian..........what happens if both parties are following the rule of no contact......who breaks and makes first contact?
what then????
The dumpee should not break NC, period. If the dumper is not contacting you then it's pretty obvious they are moving on. NC should be used to help YOU move on, not to try and win them back by ignoring them. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 11/27/2006 9:37:35 AM | MAKING THE FIRST CONTACT.
Well, I think it is not fair that someone moves on. Separation is good because it allows you to calm down and realize that the 'HEN PECKING' and reactionary bantering caused the break up. No one likes to be around someone who is constantly trying to work on the relationship. Yuk. Your good deeds and kind soft ways are what gives them that TURN ABOUT FACE and come back to you. Show your best NONJUDGING, non henpecking side of you and be enthusiastic and light hearted to them and they might turn around. MY GUESS IS that 100% of break ups are caused by HEN PECKING and REACTIONARY scoldings. (taking them for granted) So, pulling yourself together and calming the heck down and giving up on changing the other person will get them back . Isn't that what this whole thread is about, lightening the heck up?
Making the first contact is your job. Love them love them love them. Get in there and do it ONLY when you know you are not going to be pissed off. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 11/27/2006 3:13:11 PM | Well, I was the dumpee but he made first contact this morning. He said he was worried about me because he hadn't heard from me. He wanted me to e-mail him so he would know that I was okay, which of course I did. While I was at work he sent me a text letting me know that he was going to be near my job tomorrow and would probably stop by......What am I suppose to do? How am I suppose to act. I would really like to get back with him (we were together for a year) but I know we both needs some growing to do.
Any Advice?? | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 11/27/2006 3:43:48 PM |
Well, I was the dumpee but he made first contact this morning. He said he was worried about me because he hadn't heard from me. He wanted me to e-mail him so he would know that I was okay, which of course I did. While I was at work he sent me a text letting me know that he was going to be near my job tomorrow and would probably stop by......What am I suppose to do? How am I suppose to act. I would really like to get back with him (we were together for a year) but I know we both needs some growing to do.
Any Advice??
Well I would have taken a few days if I was going to respond to the email but I don't know how long you hadn't had contact with him before he sent that email.
If you are not ready to see him (and I suspect you are not because you said you don't know how to act and that you really want to get back together -- red flags!) then simply email him back and TELL him that you are busy and you won't have time to see him. If he shows up at your office tell them that you are busy and can't see him.
Personally, who the heck does this guy think he is that he can just waltz into your life whenever it's convenient for him? You have BOUNDARIES and it's time you lay them down. Respect precedes love and you need to let him know that you are not at his beck and call.
If you REALLY want to get back together with him then you need to get to the point in your life where you can live with or without him. Because you said you "REALLY" want to get back together with him tells me that you could end up coming off desperate or needy with him and end up giving a lot of your personal power away....
Best of luck. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 11/27/2006 6:55:16 PM | I have a better idea Harmony, how about you give ALL of the facts given the situation and express your true feelings in continuing to lead on the situation by saying that you would REALLY like to see me?
Further more, the forums are for input and informative purposes and should be used therefore and if seeking pity or attention from other than those whom you describe, then use private email.
You've answered any and all inquiries forementioned simply by being here.
Why could you not ever talk with me this way?
Questions answered for all involved. End of thread.
Best Wishes to all.
P.S. It was sixteen months hunny, not a year. 
 | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 11/27/2006 11:04:30 PM |
the forums are for input and informative purposes
I dunno, certainly sounded to me like Harmony was looking for "input" on her situation, not self-pity or attention. That is unless one considers someone asking "What am I suppose to do?" self-pity (sounded like a perfectly valid, and on topic, post, to me).
However, given the responses after (and I agree with Jarbarian's last reply 100%), I would tell her the guy sounds angry & controlling... if I saw posts like that from a woman, I certainly would *not* want to be in a relationship with her. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 11/28/2006 6:09:00 AM | Hi jarbarian
Thank-you for your previous email response. There's been new developments......
Okay, so my boyfriend/ex-boyfriend (whatever!) Is a liar. Pure and simple. He knows it, I know it. Two months ago, after four years, he ended it with me but because we are tied to each other financially, we still spent (no sex) weekends together getting a house ready to market (what a mess) Because we also had a certain amount of 'safety' or 'comfort' if you will with one another, we continued helping each other with our personal growth (weirder, yet) A few weekends ago, he told me he had made the wrong decision and he wanted to be with me. Honesty is still the big issue. Yesterday, he told me that to break away from me emotionally, he had "played with another woman" those were his words for "I cheated on you". And he felt he had to tell me or everything he said from this point forward would be a lie. Now, there is a part of me that feels a certain respect for him and his own moral code that he was actually able to spit out the truth about something. The other part of me likes the visual of the knife on his nuts ;-)
BIG problem: We are still tied together financially and it is not possible for me to put him on NO CONTACT like I would like to do. He'll be back Friday night. Now what the heck am I supposed to do? | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 11/28/2006 6:23:43 AM |
And yes, with NC you don't announce it. You just do it.
Hey Jarbarian,
Sorry, although I read a lot of the thread, there is no way I could read it all :) Why did you say the above (page 7)?
I told her I found the contact with her difficult and that I just wanted to say goodbye. What is wrong with that???
Excellent thread by the way  | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 11/28/2006 9:22:13 AM | Hey Jarbarian,
Sorry, although I read a lot of the thread, there is no way I could read it all :) Why did you say the above (page 7)?
Well there are several reasons why I recommend not announcing NO CONTACT.
#1: If you announce it, your Ex might think "Well, he/she is doing this just to get my attention..."
#2: It makes a bigger impact when you don't make a declaration. The ex will wonder "Whatever happened to so and so and why isn't he/she calling me anymore?" If there is to be a second chance, the dumper really has to realize they made a mistake and want you back. That's where the greatest chances of a reconcilliation will work. If the dumpee initiates it, the odds of it working are slim to none.
I told her I found the contact with her difficult and that I just wanted to say goodbye. What is wrong with that???
Well nothing if you truly mean it. It may or may not have any long term repercussions because everyone thinks and acts differently. To say one way is better than another is tantamount to trying to predict odds. It's just too difficult to say.
I will say if that's what you needed to do, if that helped you let go then it was the RIGHT thing to do for you.
Excellent thread by the way
Thank you, I appreciate that. Incidentally, how long have you broken off contact with your ex? | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 11/28/2006 10:24:42 AM | | Well, when I initially said goodbye she seemed indignant as though I were doing something wrong. She then made some attempts to contact me and phoned two weeks ago using a mini-disaster in her life as an excuse. It was something I couldn't ignore so I start talking to her about it but her phone died after about 10 minutes... she was really REALLY disappointed when she knew our conversation was going to be cut short and said she'd phone me the next day - haven't heard from her since. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 11/28/2006 10:48:13 AM |
Well, when I initially said goodbye she seemed indignant as though I were doing something wrong. She then made some attempts to contact me and phoned two weeks ago using a mini-disaster in her life as an excuse. It was something I couldn't ignore so I start talking to her about it but her phone died after about 10 minutes... she was really REALLY disappointed when she knew our conversation was going to be cut short and said she'd phone me the next day - haven't heard from her since.
Some "mini-disaster" eh? Seems to me she just wanted to make sure you were on her string and available as an "option." As has been said before, never make someone a priority in your life who only sees you as an option.
If she contacts you again, avoid her. The only words you want to hear, if you want another chance, should be "I'm sorry and I was wrong...." Until you hear that, you really have no need to talk to her.
Cheers. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 11/28/2006 11:02:17 AM | ...I have lots of experience (considering my age) LMAO
When its over, move forward....let go...there is a reason why everything happens, if you try to force anything, manipulate it...play games...IT WILL MAKE IT WORSE.....
THE Cat and Mouse game isnt for people who truly want to love someone and have them love them back....I played that game so many times. This is what I have learned...when it ended and I felt rejected....I so wanted it back....when it came back.....I SO DIDNT WANT IT BACK!!!! and believe me if you want it back it will come back sooner or later.....Hear what Im saying people....do not waste good energy....just let it go....
"Keep your attention on today, stay in the present. This is the beginning of a new understanding...a new dream" Don Miguel Ruiz
Do the no contact thing for you and YOU only...its better...and dont wake up each day thinking....the more I stay away the more they will want me back.....live your life....get happy within yourself.
release it to the Universe...what exactly you want...be positive and happy within yourself and visualize it.......do not add names or faces... "Universe I leave it up to you to bring me....
and then fill in the blank...and keep it positive. The Universe will say back....."as you wish"..so be clear and really free yourself of anything that may hinder what you really want...
my 2 cents...this is the best advice I have found so far in my lifetime....no more games for me!
Once again OP your a great guy and I admire your intelligence...but everytime I come back to this thread...all I read really is desperation in what people say...its sad really and it makes me sad thinking I was so like that myself. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 11/28/2006 11:08:17 AM |
release it to the Universe...what exactly you want...be positive and happy within yourself and visualize it.......do not add names or faces... "Universe I leave it up to you to bring me.... and then fill in the blank...and keep it positive. The Universe will say back....."as you wish"..so be clear and really free yourself of anything that may hinder what you really want...
Here's a smiliar quote I heard once:
"To get what we want, we must put it out into the universe into God's hands, and let Him send it back to us." - Florence Scavel Shinn
Once again OP your a great guy and I admire your intelligence...but everytime I come back to this thread...all I read really is desperation in what people say...its sad really and it makes me sad thinking I was so like that myself.
After a breakup we're all like that. Desperate to hang on to what is comfortable in our lives, which is the past, the ex, the way things "used" to be. Change is difficult for many, but iwth change comes growth, maturity and a new level of understanding that will benefit us greatly in our next relationship.
Cheers! | |
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