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slady
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Joined: 6/12/2006
Msg: 751 | |
| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 11/29/2006 7:44:47 AM | Ok, so its been a while since I posted here. I have posted a few times regarding my situation. Just a bit about that...my bf ended things in the summer time.NOw this was a guy who, once the relationship was over, he never looked back, so I was devastated. As hard as it was, I followed Jarbarian's advice to a T. We had an encounter while we were both out one night about 2 months later. He said he wanted to talk again and take it day by day. I had a hard time with all that, cause I felt like I wasnt getting what I needed, but that he was calling the shots. Anyway, I was patient for a while, but got frustrated too. I finally got to the point where I wouldnt keep quiet about what I wanted anymore. I told him straight up what I needed from him, and that it couldnt all be about what HE wanted. I was also VERY prepred to walk away if there was no compromise. It was a painful thought as I love him very much, but in the time we were apart, I had re-built ME, so I knew I would be ok no matter what happened. Well, I am happy to say that things are going very well. It took him some time, but slowly we are getting there. There were lots of things I missed, the little things that made us "US". Slowly like I said things are progressing. He makes the effort once again, and that was missing. He spends more time with me, which at first I felt like I was an "option". I dont feel that way anymore. I've tried to let the things in the past go, which was one fault I had that contributed to the relationship ending in the first place. He is now more involved in the things I like as well, which was yet another thing that went wrong. Now dont get me wrong, I know that the advice was good, but isnt necessarily what made it work. But, I DO believe that once he saw that I was fine without him, not clinging to him, or bothering him with calls, texts etc... that he realized what he may lose. I have to add that I am a very lucky girl to have the wonderful friends and family that I leaned on during the break up. They also have not judged my decision to be with him again. I definitly think for him, he needed the time and space to get the big picture, and I needed to communicate more, since ya, he's a guy and doesnt read minds, who knew??? LOL Believe me, it was HARD to give him that, cause sometimes all I wanted to do was talk to him, or msg him, but I didnt. And I have to say, the feeling in the pit of my stomach that says "I'm scared he'll leave" is gone. So Jarbarian.....thanks for the wonderful words of advice you have posted, because, whether he and I made it or not, I found ME because of it.  | |
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| Great Advice
Posted: 11/30/2006 3:04:46 PM | Hi Jarbarian I thouroughly enjoyed your post. I have been dating a guy for about 3months. During this time we would see each other about twice a week if time permitted due to our busy lives. He had made it clear that he wanted our relationship to be exclusive. I started to notice he was a bit jealous in his behaviour with me in that he would question me about our time apart or who called my cell phone things of that nature. At first I found this flattering. Well about 3 days ago I picked him up at the Airport wherein, he came back from seeing family for the holidays and I spent the evening with him. The next morning, when I awoke (he had already left for work) I notice my key to his place was missing off of my keychain and my cell phone was out of my purse. I found out he went through my cell phone calls and came across another man's number in my phone. I proceeded to leave and return home and text him a couple of times asking about the key thing. He replied "who's soandso". I told him in a further text just a male friend is all. Later that evening, he emailed me saying. "I need a break, I am dealing with alot right now, I don't appreciate you calling me some other mans name while in my bed (i am sure i did not do that) and I know you are sleeping with him (i am not), I am really not mad at that I am mad that you lied." I replied "Ok Alvin I agree, your absolutely right about the needing a break thing, but Absolutely wrong about me sleeping with him over the weekend or ever, that part is not true. Im really sorry you feel that way I have not lied to you and have been faithful. Just the same, Im not mad at the fact that you took it upon yourself to look through my cell phone while I was asleep (invasion of my privacy) but, nevertheless, I enjoyed our time together your a sweet heart. Good Luck with your new Job. All the best Alvin,
beedelisle: Just in case you thought i was lying Alvin I swear on my Mothers grave I have not slept with "this other guyl" or any other."
So I guess I would like some input from you on this situation. I have not bothered to contact him any further as he has stated he needs a "break" Can you offer me some input here. Thanks | |
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| Great Advice
Posted: 11/30/2006 3:24:36 PM | So I guess I would like some input from you on this situation. I have not bothered to contact him any further as he has stated he needs a "break" Can you offer me some input here. Thanks
Sounds like "Alvin" is insecure. How old is this guy?
Let me ask you a question. Do you want to deal with someone who is posessive and jealous? Someone who doesn't trust you whatsoever? I sure wouldn't. There's nothing less sexy than insecurity.
Give this guy all the space he wants. In fact, I would suffice to say that you shouldn't worry about this guy at all. I know you like him but the fact remains HE has personal issues that really have nothing to do with you at all. It's his own insecurities that are driving him mad.
Mark Twain once wrote "The greatest problems I've had to face in my life never came to fruition" or something along those lines. Basically he is saying people who worry often do so for no reason.
Your "Alvin" has demons he has to slay on his own and they're not your fault. If he can't deal with it, let him go and find a guy who loves and trusts you just as you are.
Good luck. | |
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| Great Advice
Posted: 11/30/2006 3:29:09 PM | Thank you for the imput, you are absolutely right I never really looked at it that way. Having been previously married for 16yrs, the dating world is foreign to me. I think I need to be more informed there. Thanks again.  | |
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| Great Advice
Posted: 11/30/2006 3:32:12 PM | Im sorry I forgot, He is 43yrs old, and a Cop, I am 39yrs old Law Clerk | |
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| Great Advice
Posted: 11/30/2006 3:40:38 PM |
Thank you for the imput, you are absolutely right I never really looked at it that way. Having been previously married for 16yrs, the dating world is foreign to me. I think I need to be more informed there. Thanks again.
No worries. Sometimes you find a good apple, sometimes you find a bad one. The key is to be able to recognize the good from the bad. One of the ways is to PAY ATTENTION to red flags (such as his jealous/posessive behavior) and heed the warnings. Too often when we fall in love we ignore those red flags and get in too deep to break things off when we should.
It takes self-respect and discipline to be able to do so and that just takes loving yourself and having confidence in who you are. If you know you deserve better, don't hesitate to break it off.
Im sorry I forgot, He is 43yrs old, and a Cop, I am 39yrs old Law Clerk
Not very mature, confident and masculine behavior regardless of his profession. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 12/1/2006 6:03:59 PM | Thank you Jarbarian, I needed this advice. The great thing about the advice is, it's a win win situation!
 out
Fay | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 12/1/2006 7:19:51 PM | | Not looking for a second chance....but the advice you give is good....thanks I believe that when it's over, it's over, don't look back and move forward...but it takes so long to feel progress. | |
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| help me!
Posted: 12/2/2006 12:42:56 PM | | Hey Jabarian, i really love this forum, it always gives me strength to move on. But since a couple of days i feel devastated and really don't know what to do. We've been together for 2,5 years (he's 28 and i am 19) and we both knew things at the end were not ok, so i insisted to talk about it, but it was like he "couldn't see" how bad things were (i mean, he didn't want to see)...so i told him to break up, to be on our owns...he was a very insecure guy that was very afraid of losing me and called me 5 times a day and didn't get out with friends just to be with me (what made me feel caged, and i began to see him more like a friend than like a bf, it was kind of boring being with him cause i always was the one that made decisions).......we got together some times after the breakup, and i felt i really loved him and wanted to be with him, he changed a lot and since the break didn't call me or emailed me (something very strange)....so one day i told him all that i was feeling but then it was him the one that didn't want to come back with me....at least not at that moment. he needed time to be alone, to think, to fix his relationship with himself...and i really don't know what to do...it's been 5 months since we broke up...and he told me that if things are meant to be, we'll be together (we ended the relationship in very good terms, with no anger or fights)...but i really really miss him, and i don't know what to do...and christmas is coming....and in some days this year will be over....and i really feel that i'd be better dead. i'm on holidays so i have so much time to think, to cry...and all i want to do is to be in bed....i'm not having a good relationship with my parents...and my "friends" seem not to care about my pain (they tell me to forget him, to move on, to go to bars and dancing clubs, to take some alcohol and enjoy) but i feel i'm not ready! i love him so much.....and i know he cares about me, but his indiference in killing me...we have each other in msn messenger...so i'm always looking if he is online, which picture he has, his nickname....i feel i'm getting sick. What should i do? i feel there's no possible way out of this... :'o( I NEED TO LET GO, BUT IT'S TOO HARD | |
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| help me!
Posted: 12/4/2006 9:03:59 AM |
I NEED TO LET GO, BUT IT'S TOO HARD
The guide shows you how to let go. Follow the steps in the first post of this thread. Also, read the "What is NO CONTACT, you say?" thread as well. That one shows you how important it is to not stay "buddies" with an Ex you are still in love with (and hurting over). There's nothing to be gained from being their friend and it will, in fact, delay your healing. Possibly for years.
Letting go is a matter of self-respect. All you have to do is say to yourself "Someone who really loved me wouldn't have dumped me. They would have been willing to work things out. My ex was not willing to do that and I KNOW I deserve someone who loves me as much as I love them and I am determined NOT to let my EX ruin my chances with someone else."
You really have to take your personal power back and you can ONLY do that by cutting off contact with your ex. In time, you confidence and self-respect will return but ONLY if you stay completely away from them. No calls, text, emails, cyber-stalking -- nothing.
Cheers. | |
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| thanx
Posted: 12/4/2006 5:10:00 PM | Hey Jarbarian! thank you so much for your answer!! i really needed to read what you wrote...you're so right bout my self-respect...i know i'll have to work very hard on it! but it's difficult to accept/ understand that someone who promessed eternal love IS NOT HERE now, just because he doesn't want to. Because he made a choice and that was NOT BEING WITH ME. And you are sooo right when you say that "Someone who really loved me would have been willing to work things out"...but i guess it's just too painful for me to believe that all his feelings towards me just disappear...that all his love for me (the one i know and felt was genuine and true) just vanished into thin air, i just can't understand it, and that's why i keep on falling down and don't know how to get up and continue with my life... but i guess now it's not time to understand (because i simply won't find his reasons)...it's time to ACCEPT REALITY and try to let him go (and allow myself to heal).
After reading your answer i tried to get strength and deleted him from my contact list in msn (you should have seen me....doubting about clicking DELETE in front of the monitor....pathetic), but well...i did it. And i'm proud of it. I'll try to do my best, and i hope that thing about the 3 weeks work out for me. NC on Xmas will be very hard, but i need to be fine...so i'm going to avoid that painful contact.
Thank you very much for all your support and advice, it really helps! | |
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| thanx
Posted: 12/4/2006 6:14:39 PM | You are welcome. Be sure to delete him from your phone, print out and store away (where you can't find them) all the old emails, love letters, pictures, etc. You need to erase him from your immediate mind. Think "Out of sight, out of mind..."
It will take a while before you find your strength, confidence and self-esteem returning but the longer you go without contacting him, the stronger you will get.
Best of luck to you. | |
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| :)
Posted: 12/5/2006 8:04:59 AM | Hi Jar...and thanx again for your quick reply :)
It's kind of strange but i feel really bad by just thinking about deleting him from my cell phone, or not calling him for xmas...I mean, i feel like GUILTY (and i guess that's because i still have the idea that if i call him and show i care....i'll maybe get another chance, but on the other hand, if i get another chance with him, i don't want it to be this way! just because i'll be in the exact same place where he left me...and i want to grow from this pain and build a better me...so i feel a great contradiction inside...what i feel vs. what i think)
But well..if i persevere, i know i'll succeed
thanks again for your motivation and advice, I really appreciate it! :oD | |
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| :)
Posted: 12/5/2006 9:27:27 AM |
It's kind of strange but i feel really bad by just thinking about deleting him from my cell phone, or not calling him for xmas...I mean, i feel like GUILTY (and i guess that's because i still have the idea that if i call him and show i care....i'll maybe get another chance,
If you love and respect yourself the guilty feelings will go away. Most of our exs aren't feeling guilty about dumping us (if they do, they'll drop the "Let's be friends" line on you. Don't fall for it, ever!). My ex sent no cards nor did she call last Christmas or my birthday. She isn't feeling guilty so why should we? We should be thankful we're no longer wasting our affection on those who aren't returning it...
but on the other hand, if i get another chance with him, i don't want it to be this way! just because i'll be in the exact same place where he left me...and i want to grow from this pain and build a better me...so i feel a great contradiction inside...what i feel vs. what i think)
That's the thing, unless the ex has some kind of epiphany and does a complete and total turnaround (not likely), you will end up in the same place. That's why focusing on YOUR self improvement is essential. You have no control over your ex but you do have control over yourself. At least if you improve you'll be much wiser and less likely to fall for the WRONG person. And really, our exs are exs for a a reason.
They were wrong for us, we just didn't recognize it in time. | |
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| :)
Posted: 12/5/2006 6:00:02 PM | | One thing that needs to be spoken about her Jarbarian, is that pain when a relationship crashes isn't limited to the young. You would think we golden oldies would have the magic key to relationship retrieval and repair, doesn't get any easier with age. I have been making all the mistakes you have hi-lited since my breakup which although has been only a month, feels like it happened yesterday. I have made it a point to re-read your first page post again and again, then I waded through all the posters and their pain. Eventually I realized my mistake, I wanted her back, and all things to return to "normal". There never was normal, it was in my mind, and slowly, and continually, she drifted away. I continued to be the deer in the headlites. I took your advice, and that of others, and found a great woman that I want to see. Anyone on this thread, if they haven't done it, start re-reading your first post every day, and keep a copy close by when your finger wants to dial his/her number. Great work, great thread, and great contributors all. Time to let go, even if it is just for now, to regroup, and remind ourselves were are great people. Thanks to all and their shared wisdom here. | |
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| :)
Posted: 12/5/2006 7:34:20 PM | I made a couple of post on > What is NO CONTACT, you say?
I mentioned it had been three months since I cut off contact with my ex wife (married 17 years - she dumped me in 03’). She had called often for the entire three plus years and came over a few times - I just stopped picking up the phone.
Today I looked something up and it is now closer to 5 months - time goes by fast when you are starting to regain control.
I just read the original post in this thread - it too is right on the money.
Something dawned on me the other day - well actually two or three months ago. She left me BUT ........... I empowered myself - I am the one that stopped the contact.
Moving the focus off of her and putting it on myself .......... was the turning point and things are going up up up every single day.
The OP mentions self confidence and self esteem. I’ve been working on those two areas the last few months and it is working.
I don’t mean piddling around working on my self esteem/confidence I mean I went at it BIG TIME - like probably at least 5 times what people could imagine. I have two or three subliminal programs running at the same time and I am listening to one of the “experts” on the topics at the same time.
Plus I have created very thought provoking messages on those two topics and they are “flipping” on the monitor of my lap top that is sitting beside this desk computer.
So I have at least three and often four or five input sources coming at me 16 hours a day.
A few little “tid bits”
You are not what you think you are ............ you are what you ...”think” you are.
We have all heard about cause & effect but ................. have you really thought about that ?
Effect - you become what ...........
Cause - you think about most of the time
Effect - your outer world is is a reflection of ...........
Cause - your inner world (thoughts)
My ex wife is a good person - she did not do it on purpose but she looked down her nose at me for 20 years. I think it must be in her genes. Her mother is a ice cold - self centered person - I did not even like being in the same room with her. I have no idea how her father has any self esteem left.
So - I did not lose my self respect/confidence/esteem overnight - I lost it inch by inch over the 20 years. I was a very strong person - it took a very long time but it DID happen.
I am fixing it ............ and YOU can too.
Getting over someone and rebuilding yourself go hand in hand. I have came miles and miles in the last few months. | |
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Posted: 12/5/2006 10:43:02 PM | CarBizMgr and Ron, great stories and I am glad to hear you are healing.
Too often we want to hang on to the past, what is comfortable. The problem is we can't control the past or what our ex does. We can't make them love us, but we CAN make ourselves love who we are.
And deep down, that's more important than someone else loving you. Someone else loving you is the icing on the cake. Loving yourself, having confidence and self-respect are key to being able to love someone else the RIGHT way.
Cheers | |
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Posted: 12/6/2006 9:52:01 PM | "Too often we want to hang on to the past, what is comfortable. The problem is we can't control the past or what our ex does. We can't make them love us, but we CAN make ourselves love who we are.
And deep down, that's more important than someone else loving you. Someone else loving you is the icing on the cake. Loving yourself, having confidence and self-respect are key to being able to love someone else the RIGHT way."
Exactly! I am so glad I read through this forum today. I broke up with my ex just over 3 weeks ago. He planned on breaking up with me before I actually did it, so there was no objection on his part. Anyway, for the first two weeks after we broke up I didn't call him, but I missed him so much that I called exactly two weeks after the breakup. Basically we talked about what went wrong and why we're not meant for each other. I did mention wanting to be friends but he wasn't certain he wanted to be. Anyway, I feel so much better about the whole thing. Time really does help to heal wounds. Last weekend I went out on a date with another guy and already I could already tell he had some of the good qualities that my ex didn't. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 12/7/2006 2:43:29 AM | hey jarbarian
i have put a few threads on here, to do with my breakup, boy am i finding it hard at the moment to deal with it. what you say is absolutely spot on and i wish i had more determination to carry it all out, but cos im weak i find it ver hard. by reading waht you have said, i guess i have blown any chance of him coming back, as i have done the things that you said shouldn't be don. crying, arguing, begging and i guess i have just made things ten times worse. i did well by not contacting him for a week and then i did get in touch, but with a son by him, i no complete no contact would be difficult anyway.
Thanks for your advice and u do give some really good advice, i always read your threads over and over again and maybe oneday it will sink in, as i have hit rock bottom so i guess the only way now is up.....
Cheers, you a sound guy | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 12/7/2006 4:19:25 AM | | I have to agree with Blink-182 on this one: "this charade, it won't last, when he's gone, I won't come back." If she (he) didn't think you were good enough the first time around, move on. They're not worth it. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 12/7/2006 9:41:10 AM |
If she (he) didn't think you were good enough the first time around, move on. They're not worth it.
I agree to a certain point. But time and personal growth can change things. I also believe that if you improve yourself during a break up, odds are you won't want the person back that dumped you because you'll realize you deserve someone better for you.
The point of the original post of this thread was to show people how to heal so that IF a second chance does occur they will have a better chance at success or move on easier.
Either way, it's a WIN/WIN situation. That's ultimately what we're striving for. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 12/8/2006 9:57:41 PM | | I was with this amazing girl for 4 months, i guess we rushed things because we fell in love in the first 3 weeks. Shortly after that I moved away and it became a long-distance relationship. We saw each other a few times and talked every day. We had lots in common and we trusted each other completely. But we had a fight last week and she ended it. She felt that there were too many stresses on her life with college and that she needed time. But now we've simply stopped talking to each other. We've both never had this kind of relationship and she was a virgin before she met me. I know she still loves me but she is rather stubborn when it comes to everything but me. Do you think she will come back to me or should i give her time to heal before contactin her? | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 12/8/2006 10:06:09 PM | | Srry i thought of more, we were supposed to move in together in the new year, do u think she got scared? and since this is our first serious relationships do u think dating again, even a rebound might help to get over her or at least to see what else is out there? We both agreed at one point that we were soulmates but the last week of our relationship we really drifted and she said she needed a break, that she doenst believe in soulmates now and we should never speak to each other again. I know its not someone else, in fact, she still loves me and I am her first love. What should I do? | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 12/11/2006 9:37:45 AM | K-Town, LDRs are really hard to blossom. You need to be around each other. If you aren't going to be near her anytime soon, just let time do it's job and put closure on things.
She's trying to put closure on things as well and you should do the same. I know it's easier said than done but you need to focus on you and not her. You can't control her -- all you are in control of is yourself. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 12/11/2006 10:52:39 PM | | Although 2nd chances gives us hope and motivation, the deal is once we get healed we will inivertantly realize not to go back with them. BUT OOPS, CAREFUL. The word 'healed', is a missgiven. Time doesn't heal it forgets. We retain every event, so we can draw upon our experiences later. However, if you put yourself back into the setting with our ex's you will trigger the original emotions so intensely, i.e. hate, fear, anger, humiliation. At first when you get back with them you feel all special and desired but soon enough you will be all back-of-the-bus in no time. The pain and humiliation and stress for going back will be a shocker. The word healed is confused with hidden. (Anger Management is an oxymoron too. You can't manage anger you just avoid it.) RUN !! | |
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