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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 12/12/2006 10:32:58 AM | I always have these little thoughts about a second chance but realistically I know it will never happen... I do agree with quickdogsmooch...that once healed you do not want to go back....YOUR ABSOLLUTELY RIGHT...time doesnt heal it just forgets.
I was seeing a few others and doing that doesnt work either...it just makes you miss the ex more cause you are always comparing etc. All my friends were saying OMG they are so much better then he ever was.....are you stupid. NO IM NOT STUPID...I just know that the advice I got about not dating anytime soon and getting healthy within, is the best advice yet. The "get back up on the saddle" used to work for me all the other times, cause I would go quickly with someone else, to forget the other, but thats a vicious circle that was only hurting me.
I have to admit Im getting sick and tired of reading books...Im giving the self help stuff a break and just going to be happy with myself and let the universe do whats best for me. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 12/12/2006 10:51:28 AM | If you notice the title of this thread and the advice, they differ, don't they?
The reason why I posted it that way was to get people who are HUNG UP on a second chance to see things from the right perspective which is to get themselves healthy first before worrying about things they can not control (like their exs).
Once you become healthy again odds are you WON'T want your ex back. You'll start to see them for their faults and flaws as well and wonder what you saw in them in the first place.
We all think when we've met someone that causes those butterflies to go crazy that THEY are the only one for us. Truth be told, there are many out there you haven't met that will do the same for you as well.
You just have to have healthy boundaries, healthy levels of confidence and self-esteem and you'll start to push away people who are bad for you and attract those who are VERY good for you.
Cheers. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 12/12/2006 11:26:45 AM | Thats exactly what happens to me Jarbarian....those butterflies and then I think I will never find that person again. Yesterday...I fell backwards, in that I started thinking about the good things again and the times when we had so much fun and the feelings that I felt inside for him...it all resurfaced. A male friend got angry with me and said, all the work you did just to fall backwards again and he felt I was being weak and that he wasnt about to get caught up in my "shitty stuff again"....meaning I better not talk about how I miss the guy...etc etc. I got all anxious cause I was like OMG what am I doing....I was so content forgiving myself and forgiving him and then boom the thoughts came and I ****ING MISSED HIM...ugly I know after all this time....
Now I have decided to instead of asking the Universe to send me the one....its patience I need big time....PATIENCE...and a strong will to get healthy...He was exactly what I had been looking or all my life...and damn it now I cant see past him.
Also reading some post from people who say "I" love to live in my past drama and to fucken get over.... it only tells me they have issues regarding themselves and their past drama. They need to not make assumptions that they know all and not take things personally. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 12/12/2006 1:15:39 PM | july16ladybug:
If you don't mind me saying, there is a difference between still feeling love and not functioning. YOU are functioning fine. It is okay to cry, and know the truth . YOU love him, and he is in your heart YOUR sweet love. Nothing is going to change that for now. That is not what you are suppose to get rid of. What you are doing well at is moving on, and not allowing your heart to be stomped on, and that should be praised. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 12/12/2006 1:32:02 PM |
You just have to have healthy boundaries, healthy levels of confidence and self-esteem and you'll start to push away people who are bad for you and attract those who are VERY good for you.
Absolutely! I agree! | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 12/12/2006 1:57:00 PM | | Great advice!!! I'm a therapist, and couldn't have said it better myself. While some of them may be very hard to follow, these tips will help you heal and be the best 'you' you can be , whether alone, with a new partner, or reconciling with your ex. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 12/12/2006 2:28:33 PM |
Great advice!!! I'm a therapist, and couldn't have said it better myself. While some of them may be very hard to follow, these tips will help you heal and be the best 'you' you can be , whether alone, with a new partner, or reconciling with your ex.
Thanks, I appreciate the good feedback. Since you are a therapist can you look up my thread entitled "Men: How to tell if you are a door mat" and let me know your thoughts on that one as well.
I did a lot of reserach on both topics and it's interesting to hear the opinions of a trained professional. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 12/12/2006 5:29:28 PM | Thank you quickdogsmooch I am functioning...I hope I make it through the holidays without becoming self destructive...keep your fingers crossed!!!!! Im asking for patience this Christmas...do you think I will get it? | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 12/12/2006 6:41:24 PM | I know I've said it before but if you've hurt me once, why am I going to let you close enough to hurt me again? Love me, hurt me, lose me. Done deal.
Of course, there is the apology which comes along with it in hopes that I'll change my mind so the other person can "get some" because they apologized, of course.
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 12/12/2006 8:46:28 PM |
I know I've said it before but if you've hurt me once, why am I going to let you close enough to hurt me again? Love me, hurt me, lose me. Done deal.
You didn't read the guide, it's not all about winning THEM back, it's about winning YOU back.
Cheers. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 12/12/2006 11:11:47 PM | "You just have to have healthy boundaries, healthy levels of confidence and self-esteem and you'll start to push away people who are bad for you and attract those who are VERY good for you."
That is wonderful advice! Thank you! | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 12/12/2006 11:40:34 PM | | thx jarbarian i appreciate the advice. I really want to be with her but i don't know how to make a LDR work. I'm willing to get on with my life in the meantime. | |
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JJBug
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Joined: 11/22/2006
Msg: 789 | |
| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 12/13/2006 6:55:53 AM | Here's my ?
I went out w/ a guy who has "crushed" on me for 1 1/2 yrs. I asked him out. We had a great time! Talked on the phone till the wee hours, ect. Went out again, great time also.I was on top of the world! He works 2 jobs and I didn't hear from him for a few days so I called him- I asked him straight out if he was "blowing me off"- he said no, just been busy. I told him -ok, cuz if you are this is your "out", he assured me no. (it was out of character not to hear from him in so many days)
I didn't hear from him and I did some drunk dialing but he did not answer. I left him messages and texted him w/ no reply. I drank a bit to much one night and went to his house cuz I wanted to know what I did to cause him to blow me off! He continued to say he is not but has been very busy.
Well- after sometime I reflected on my stupid behavior and called him to apologize and ask if we could talk to "clear the air"- he said he would call the next night- he didn't.
I feel like an ass. I don't know if I pursued him to hard and he ran or if he's just a decceitful jerk? Regardless, I wish I could just clear the air because I don't want this as his impression of me.
What can I do?
Would you give me a second chance?
Last contact was me texting him to say I wished he would've called as arranged but I'll take it as it is. I am very sorry.
Thanks | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 12/13/2006 2:08:14 PM | I DON'T WANT ANOTHER CHANCE (not anymore)...and if he asks for it, he won't have it either. I've been crying my eyes out for him, staying all day long at home just crying or in bed, cause i didn't have the strength to get up and try to live...and now i find out he's with someone else (they are together for 4 months now...and he broke with me 5 months ago).... i stayed here, just thinking about the relationship, trying to change a thousand of things, feeling i didn't deserve to be with him, hating myself because i lost him...and now this.
My life changed in one single day...it hurts a lot, but now i DON'T WANT TO BE WITH HIM (of course i can't all the same, because he doesn't want me to be with him....) but now i not only accept NOT being with him, but also chose it!
He rejected my love...HE IS THE ONE THAT DOESN'T DESERVE ME...
as i've read in one post here... "my love is the prize" and he didn't want to take it, so i'll be waiting for someone that really deserves it.
I feel so relieved now, I don't feel guilt anymore (and although it hurts really bad...i needed to find this out to finally let him go)
Just that guys,
merry Xmas and happy 2007
Thanks Jarbarian for all your advice, maybe when i read it for the first time and was sooo broken i thought it was kind of IMPOSIBLE to let go, or to apply to the NCR, i thought i would never say "i dont want a second chance".....but now, from another point of view, i can say that it was just what i had to do to heal. And the healing process continues, of course, but i'm not the same, i feel stronger, and now I REALLY WANT TO HEAL, and i know i can do it  | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 12/13/2006 2:38:22 PM | Thanks Jarbarian for all your advice, maybe when i read it for the first time and was sooo broken i thought it was kind of IMPOSIBLE to let go, or to apply to the NCR, i thought i would never say "i dont want a second chance".....but now, from another point of view, i can say that it was just what i had to do to heal. And the healing process continues, of course, but i'm not the same, i feel stronger, and now I REALLY WANT TO HEAL, and i know i can do it
You can and you're welcome :)
See, once you get yourself healthy you realize to some degree the need to cling to an ex is sort of co-dependent behavior. Once you break yourself free from the "habit" of an ex you gain a better perspective, often times realizing they aren't good for you.
That's what building healthy boundaries does and in turn it helps you draw healthy people to you who ARE a good fit.
Thanks for the update and I am glad to hear you are doing well. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 12/13/2006 3:30:48 PM | *makes a face at Jarbarian*
Why do I want them back? If you're going to write a guide, make it simple!
Men.   | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 12/13/2006 3:54:16 PM | *makes a face at Jarbarian*
Why do I want them back? If you're going to write a guide, make it simple!
Men.
Hah, because life isn't simple nor is human psychology.
If you're going to criticize the guide, at least READ it first.  | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 12/13/2006 4:01:44 PM | YEA ! Make it simplier. Draw a diagram and leave out the big words. In my case you have to write a new forum called SO YOU WANT A 8TH chance do you. No, I'll give her no more chances but thanks anyway.
Why do I want them back? If you're going to write a guide, make it simple!
Here is the simplified form as I see it: You do want him back because you love him allot and he loves you. Don't be such a stick in the mud. The guy is crying for you. Do you want to hurt him ? | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 12/13/2006 4:23:35 PM | I would rather eat live worms than to go back with my ex, now. As a matter of fact, I've paid several people to set up road blocks in central Florida to keep him on 'his side of the fence' just in case he decides that he wants me back. HA! He is no longer welcome on the West Coast of Florida by a looooong shot! lol Having good friends in Florida is PRICELESS!!
The no contact rule is essential in allowing yourself to not only wallow in your self pity of the good times that you shared for a period of time, but it also forces you to have new experiences with others, re-evaluate his or her behaviour (good or bad), without having that raw emotion cloud your judgement. Things are SO much clearer when you've had no contact for a period of time. You begin to SEE how you were manipulated/abused/taken for granted, or whatever ill treatment that you allowed to happen for so long.
Finally, if you can stay away from that toxic person, then you can now take stock of yourself as to what improvement needs to be done on yourself to never, and I mean NEVER allow someone to treat you badly again.
Good luck to all...it was a long, hard road for me to climb but I am WELL worth it! I just needed to finally believe it myself.
Muttsmooch...you'll be fine. You have me to call at 4 in the morning when you want a 9th chance...and a 10th one..and an 11th one..lol (No, guys..smooch and I are best friends only..not dating..lol)
Sans | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 12/13/2006 4:24:48 PM | Nah, simplified version goes like this.
1. Break away and let go.
2. Heal yourself.
3. Get a life that doesn't include the ex.
4. If ex wants to come back you'll be better able to decide if that's what you really want.
The concept of the thread is to HEAL yourself first and ways to go about doing that before you decide if you really want a second chance. The old adage "Careful what you wish for you just might get it" comes to mind.
Heal yourself, which is the only thing you have 100% control over and life will sort itself out. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 12/13/2006 4:50:16 PM |
Jarbarian a great post, however I tend to feel that an ex is an ex for a reason
True but the main point of the thread is how to heal yourself. I believe odds are you won't want the ex back when you are completely healed. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 12/13/2006 5:19:07 PM | 1. Break away and let go.
2. Heal yourself.
3. Get a life that doesn't include the ex.
4. If ex wants to come back you'll be better able to decide if that's what you really want.
2. Heal? There is that wrong word again. (HIDE is the word)
You mean to say, "... the main point of the thread is how to, (calm yourself from a RUSH of downward spiral of emotions - while you wait for the emotions to (hide) themselves naturally).".
When you learn not to question your person you will see you do not heal but cope with pain until it hides. (just ignore me I am a goof) | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 12/13/2006 5:47:50 PM | ^^^^I agree with you 100% muttsmooch..and you are not a goof by a long shot. You are on the money with your post!!
According to Jarbarian..EVERYONE needs "therapy''.... but him.
Jar? Respect the fact that you are trying to give advice from a MAN'S point of view...it DOES NOT always apply to women. We are different in our feelings, thoughts, and expectations of what we expect in a life partner..and..I am totally confident in my response to you on this. Geesh..you and I used to be such good friends untill you only wanted to 'counsel' me, when in essence, you should have been taking care of YOUR life..not easing the pain of 100 strangers on POF to ease your pain..believe it or not, some of us here have some good advice to give YOU if you allow us to.
Sans | |
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