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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 12/13/2006 6:26:36 PM | According to Jarbarian..EVERYONE needs "therapy''.... but him.
On the contrary I've been through plenty of Counseling myself and from time to time I will see a Counselor when I am stuck on a problem or issue. I've never said I was immune from counceling -- that's your own interpretation.
Jar? Respect the fact that you are trying to give advice from a MAN'S point of view...it DOES NOT always apply to women. We are different in our feelings, thoughts, and expectations of what we expect in a life partner..and..I am totally confident in my response to you on this.
I never said my advice is particular to a certain sex or that my advice is coming from a female's perspective (that'd be kind of hard, eh?). Again, that's your own interpretation. I've never hid from the fact that I am a male nor have I ever said that my opinion is the only one that matters. Advice is only of value to those who see value in it. Nothing more, nothing less. I'm of the opinion that my advice or the advice of others is on the level of "take or leave it."
Lots of assumptions on your part, Sanchele.
Cheers. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 12/13/2006 6:36:43 PM |
Well, jar..I'm thinking that most of us have 'left it.'
It does not matter to me what you do with it, Sanchele.
Have a good one. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 12/13/2006 10:41:20 PM | SO TRUE!!!!! I worked with my boyfriend and he messed up the relationship. I barely could make it through the day. We still loved each other but always a connection and memories would slap me in the face. I'M not there anymore and no more contact. It was so hard at first but I'm over the pain and can move on. Everything JARBARIAN SAYS IS SOOOOOOOOOO TRUE.
NITA....WHO WILL LOVE AGAIN! | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 12/14/2006 10:34:37 AM | This advice is all common sense, and I for one appreciate and thank you for posting this jarbarian.
I won't go into all the details of my last break up...hell I don't think we were even together that long for it to be even considered a break up. I met this guy from POF. We were sending eachother im's, emails and talking on the phone for about a week before we decided to meet in person. The night I was supposed to meet him I totally blew him off to hang out with one of my ex's. At the time, I thought he was just some dude from the internet...and didn't think he would be anything special. It turned out I was totally wrong. I realized very quickly that the ex I blew him off for was not worthy of a second chance. So I decided to give this internet guy a shot. And he turned out to be sweet, smart, caring, everything I could ever want in a man. I felt I had to be honest with him, so I told him about the night we were supposed to intially meet that I had stood him up for my ex. He said it hurt him that I lied but he would give me a chance anyways. We saw eachother everyday for about a week or so after that and I thought we were really starting to like eachother and that it would turn into a relationship. Until he went out of town on a buisness trip. He met another girl on this trip that I guess he really hit it off with. He told me that they couldn't even spend a minute apart. He then said that he decided because I had been dishonest with him in the beginning that he really didn't want anything to do with me anymore and he wanted to pursue something with this girl. I felt like my insides had been gutted out after hearing all this. And after reflecting, I really can't blame him. This whole situation has taught me alot about myself and respecting other people's feelings.
So to get on topic, I read this thread the night after he told me about this other girl and have been following it almost to a T. Until yesterday that is, I broke down and sent him an email. And just as was originally posted, his reply was not something that I was ready for at all. I think maybe he wants to remain friends and that he possibly wants to see me tonight, but I don't think that's something I'm quite ready for. Maybe in the future we'll hook up again, maybe we won't. I don't really have my hopes set up to high. I'm going to just keep following these rules and look at this as a lesson learned.
Thanks again for posting this jarbarian.
And Merry Christmas everybody!  | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 12/15/2006 1:42:59 PM | | Follow the process Miki, it works, and if you read thru the other posts in here, you will see you are not alone. Keep a copy of the opener to this thread on your computer or stuck to your mirror, it really helps to re-read it again. Tip-o-the-hat to Jar for putting down what we all really know, a second chance needs a solid foundation, you have to get well where you are concerned before you can move on. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 12/17/2006 3:54:52 PM | | WOW i'm glad to see someone else gets it.You really ht that one out of the park!!!!!!!!!!! | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 12/17/2006 7:11:50 PM | | Bottom line is we all deserve a second chance,Its the little things that matter and if given the chance the possibilities would be amazing It take two to make the second time around work | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 12/18/2006 8:24:31 PM |
Absence makes the heart grow fonder and while they may be living it up with the new person in their life, chances are it's a rebound for them as well. It may take up to six months to a year for their new person's bad side to show through
so Jarbarian, is it your contention that after a break up, both parties should take at least 6 months to a year to work on themselves etc in order to not end up in a rebound situation? | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 12/18/2006 9:48:48 PM |
so Jarbarian, is it your contention that after a break up, both parties should take at least 6 months to a year to work on themselves etc in order to not end up in a rebound situation?
Yes and you should also not jump right back into the relationship where you left off, but start OVER from scratch. If you start where you left off, it will end the same way. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 12/18/2006 10:13:41 PM | I was about 3 or 4 months into my “kill the contact” when I ran across Jarbarian’s threads ... he is right you guys. I pined away for my ex wife (married 17 years) for over three years .. BLAH who needs that kind of negative thoughts in their head.
One day I told myself ....... WAIT ...... this is not working duh - why do I even pick up the phone when she calls (she called often). I am letting her keep control OF ME. (she was not doing it on purpose)
Now I am the one that finished off the relationship ....... YEAH BABY. It was extra tuff because we actually like each other as people. Not only that - I work from a home office and have almost no contact with people. I had to kill off a 20 year friendship as I killed off the man/woman relationship.
I have been “clean” of her for about 4 or 5 months now. I’ve been pushing in nothing but positive information/logic all this time and the last bits of sad/negative thoughts are being pushed out the other ear and .......... there is just not much downer left in there at all.
I am not kidding folks. I picked up a little thought about a week ago and I love it.
Tonight after a fantastic workout - that followed a confident day on the phone (my work) something hit me and it hit me hard.
I had been caught in the act .......... of being a winner. The concept of that has been in my mind for awhile - today it became official.
I am actually having a blast with all of this. Today when I finished work ...... I looked down at my dog and said “welp it happened again today” - we have been ........... caught in the act (of being a winner). | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 12/19/2006 11:09:54 PM | hey, thanks for this post. it has re-afirmed some of mybeilfs and actions. I don't have a ton of experience in this matter so it's good to read others opinions and exeriences. i must agree with two pionts strongly.. no contact is the best for sure.. and working out!! i feel great and am getting back in wicked spap.. um or will be lol.
thanks again people for the post and the detailed resposes.. I'll be busy reading/rereading this for awhile.
Merry Christmas everyone!!
  
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 12/20/2006 2:46:03 PM | Wow! 67,264 views for this thread! Guess a lot of people want a second chance...
i must agree with two pionts strongly.. no contact is the best for sure.. and working out!! i feel great and am getting back in wicked spap..
RUN Forest RUN! ;-) | |
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tmotts
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Joined: 11/7/2006
Msg: 815 | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 12/20/2006 4:11:11 PM | Getting a first chance w/ someone who attracts you to them to start, and you've something of real value to offer ...and I am not referring to sex or money here, can be enough of a challenge. Some put up walls to keep others out, or do they do so w/ the hope that someone they find attactive will come along to tear these down? I have to ask myself ...before I may for others, do you have the courage to fight ...and even die for your convictions?
Hard to tell when some won't say or answer for inquiries ...because they feel their being aloof is just too sexy.
Second chances? Isn't this sort of like 'settling' for what didn't work to start ...and likely never will w/ the same person? A 5% success rate? Who came up w/ that statistic? Yes. "Run, Forest. Run!" Do what Jar 'advised' (and thank you yahoodles for reminding me for a movie character that didn't keep score for his efforts) ...and put yourself back in the running for a better future w/, but mostly w/o repeating the same mistake(s). It's insanity.
We all may regret doing something, or not. after the fact, but we've only got one life to live ...that any of us can know about. And it's not always the 'pleasure boat ride', even if we all may want it to be. Keep this in mind and accept this fact for life ...and that it's anything but fair, but do try to keep this value in mind and be consistent in your interactions w/ others. Remember also that none of us get out of life alive, so enjoy it as much as you can and try not to be so selfish that the new person who's still attracted to you has to endure what and who's more an old memory. Don't let your past get in the way of a happier future. Consider it for the lessons that you need to learn, but move on. Second chances may be more like eating one's vomit ...and hoping that it's nutritious. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 12/22/2006 12:08:36 PM | Lonestar, situations change, people grow and mature. Sometimes the timing is wrong. Sometimes we're just not mature enough to handle a relationship.
Whatever the reason one seeks a second chance, I always advice them to first fix themselves. After all, if you don't know how to love yourself or respect yourself, you shouldn't expect to understand how to love and respect someone else.
And until you've built up a store of reserves, you really don't have anything to give anyone else. Build yourself up first so that you are free to love others without conditions. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 12/22/2006 12:24:55 PM | | Some of what you said makes sense Jaybarian.But you forgot to factor in maby the parties involved learned from thier mistakes, are willing to try a different approach and willing to make an effort where as before they weren't.They could have the opposite views now then what they had before.If two people really love each other and want to make it work how could it not? I believe in second chances.If then it doesn't work then you know you did everything you could have and you'll get true closure.I think way to many people throw away a relationship then are not willing to try to resurrect it.We are a disposable society and our relationships and marriages reflect it. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 12/22/2006 12:35:00 PM | wow!! there is some very VERY good advice in this thread and i cant believe i have missed this thread completely when it is definately helping to open up my eyes and realize certain things. I would be lying if i said i didn't want a second chance with my ex because me and her dated for a very long time and were a 15 on a scale of 1-10 for closeness.
and this whole time me and her have been broken up (about 4-5 months or so) i have been completely single, meanwhile she jumped right into another relationship that only lasted about 3 and a half months. We had always been talking and things were said right up until this past tuesday where finally i stood up to her and told her whats what because i was tired of the nice things being said yet no actions taken on it besides hanging out once!!. And we haven't spoken since then cause we agreed that we need to stop talking to eachother for a while until her and i both figure out what we want. And after that happened i was having doubts wondering if that was the right thing to do or not, but after reading this thread i now see that it WAS the right thing to do. She needs more healing then i do cause i am the one who has been single this whole time while she was the one who ran off, got into a relationship and got hurt and now has to start all over again. So i now realize that if there is going to be any type of second chance between me and her this no contacting thing must last for a while. Kinda sucks that its happening during Christmas time but i guess thats just crappy timing.
Either way, thankyou for all the wonderful posts that people have made and the great advice that Jar has been offering as well  . Cause if anything is going to happen between us in the future, no contact must be made for quite some time for it to work. Cause i have always been a strong believer in second chances. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 12/26/2006 12:45:36 AM | So my ex broke up with me cold turkey after a year and a half.
She decided she wanted fun and wants to party. She is now hanging out with a guy that drinks and smokes. I know this is a mistake by her doing so and by me for hanging out with her. I don't party too much. We've even had sex afterwards. She is not having sex with the guy and seems to just be attracted to him for the social/lame party scene... and has said she won't sleep with him.
She tells me that i'm hot and better in all ways, that she needs me and is jealous of me talking to other girls but sometimes tells me i should break her heart...
Should I cut all contact?
She seems kind of "special" since her decisions are king of childish.
She's 20 i'm 23. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 12/26/2006 12:54:08 AM | this is just like you can see what i'm going through at the moment, it's like you are talking to me face to face.
i've been to many counselling and spend lots of money but i did'nt hear or feel what i felt after reading this. to give you a little bit of an idea what's goin on wth me and i think it would just be fair to tell you:
i've been marrried for two years, the time of getting to know each other is really short we were never engaged, he lives in vegas and i live in so. o.c.,anyways, everybody knows vegas is a place for quicky marriage, thats exactly what happen to me. We got married just the two of us, no friends or family around, at the time of the vow recital he was crying,after the wedding i ask him why he was crying he replied "because this is the best decision i ever made", it melt my heart,it made me fall in love with him more. We did not live together right away, because of work situation on my side,and i thought the same with him and besides nobody knows in both our family that we're married already its not that they were against us is just that its his first,and i am 8 years older than him,modesty aside, his family were fond of me in fact they were the one who told him i'm for keeps. We eventually told them two months later. One night while we were talking on the phone the usual nightly check-in, he burst in to tears he told me he has something to tell me very important, the reason why he cannot moved-in with me here in california is because he is on probation for two years and he cannot leave nevada, i was confused at that time first of i did not know what that means , probation and some other court problem he had told me was all new to me , i have never been to a court or anything like that, i am not a big fan of any shows or movies with regards to court issues,not connected with what i do (medical field).Anyways, its beacuse i love him i did embraced all the problem he is facing and supported him all the way. Besides i'm his wife now its not like i can just broke up with him when things are getting heavy, thats the difference when the minister made you promised for better or for worse and you say "i do" .
I did more than "i do" after that confession. One by one problems are showing up, his drinking problem, crashing car after car,within 5 months of our marriages he crashed three cars booked for DUI three times bailed him out of course, aside from my emotional stressed, we got financial problem i needed to take care of. Still that didn't stop me from loving him, it made me more wanting to help him, I kept telling myself "he needs me now more than ever he's got a problem ,he's sick , he needs help" i did my source, talked him to go to a rehab regardless how much its gonna cost, when he finally agree it was too late, his probation officer has issued a warrant of arrest for violation of probation many times. That day they picked him up was the same day he's supposed to check-in at the rehab center. I was crushed, i thought i was gonna die seeing him in handcuffs surrounded by those big marshalls treating him like a criminal when all he needs is help. He was sentenced for six months prison time. I don't know how i got through it but everyday of my life for six months was misserable, i was mad with the government system, in my mind jail time is not for him, its not gonna help him. Anyways, i patiently waited for him, supported him, visit him whenever i get the opportunity regardless how tired i am or how far the facility is. My first visit with him was very emotional, it was my first time to see a place like that , a place for all kinds of criminals,and one of them was my husband. Every night thinking of him in that place was torture for me.The only good thing i considered that this is gonna for us is the fact that his probation will moved in california after he finish his time, and we will finally be together, that was just the only happy thoughts i can think of whenever i'm about to cry with my situation.
I isolated myself from my family and friends because nobody knows he is in prison but his family.
Six long misserable months is over, its time for him to go home with me here in my own place.
I was told by his family he may be a different person now because of the atmosphere inside,he may have picked up some bad stuff from people he have encountered with. But i didn't mind all that, whats important for me is he is back with me. I made him feel everything will be okay for us. That day i picked him up i felt a little coldness from him , that was the first sign i saw, but i just shrugged it off. Ten days later i found out he is been calling his ex-girlfriend, and whats worst he is been writing her all the time he is in prison. He did not even tell her he is married, that he is living with a cousin of his. It hurts to find out. Thinking of what i was going through while he is away, everything i had done for him supported him financially give him everything he needs. When i confronted him about it ,thats when he started to beat me up,me being so stupid and blinded by love and feeling sorry for him, i did not do anything but to forgive him, in my mind again, he needs help, alcohol and temper problem,i thought he was just deprresed because he doesn't have a job, ifelt guilty because he followed me here and california doesn't have much to offer for his kind of work that he do(he is an ironworker he builds skyscrapper). The problem continued ,his cheating ,drinking and beating me up almost every weekend less than two weeks after he was released, we were evicted from the apartment where i lived for along time before he moved in with me because of the disturbances, my neighbors and the apartment manager tried to help me but i didn't listen to them. I thought they don't understand the real problem, and i'm trying to keep my marriage, i don't want to be called a failure with regards to my marriage. I did not know where to find the right help for me and him, nobody knows what i'm going through from his hands . there were times he almost killed me, but still did not do anything about it, because i was afraid of him going back to jail. We manage to find a new place to live, for the first few days situationa was good,maybe because i am ignoring what he was doing to prevent any commotion that may caused if i start talking. It didn't last, he went back to his old habit, his drinking and his cheating by phone. One of those phone numbers you can find from the news paper adult section. He was laid off with His job because the project was almost complete, the drinking got worst , he started drinking early morning. One day i just couldn't stand it anymore i really want him to get help, talked to him about it, he never listen to me instead we end up in an argument and beat me up again. This time bruises are so obvious that "hitting from the bathroom "excuse is unbelieveable anymore, when i had no choice but to tell one of my friend what is really going on inside my home, i asked her to help me find help for him, she took me to the police station, there she made me tell them what i told her. Automatically,they issued a restraining order and a warrant of arrest even though i did not file charges,thats the law they said injuries are visible. My friend assured me he's going to get help. So hours later cops are at my home looking for him. He end up in jail and was released two nights later after i talked to the D.A. that i did not file charges and all i want is for him to get help. they released him while the case is in continuance. The night he came home he thanked me for calling the cops,he said he realizes what he's been doing wrong and he knew that he really needs help. i was sent to take classes for battered wives. While the domestic violence case is on hold, his probation officer here in california has ordered a warrant of arrest for violating his probation again, he end in jail again this time he was sentence for 4 months prison time and 6months alcohol rehab. I'm happy about that rahab part cause thats all i've been wanting him to do,but the jail time it brings back the same feeling i had when we were in vegas. Going to the class made me open up my eys a little bit, i learned about my boundaries and among other i'd wished i knew them before i met my husband. WHile he was in jail i felt strong enough to tell him that it will better for us to parted ways ,until he is well enough and when he truly realize that he still love me then he can always come back to me. But he beg me to stay he said he doesn't want to lose me, he promised me everything will be different after all this. I believed him , because i love him so much. Towards the 4 months jail time i begun seeing the signs again the way he talked to me.Ignored it again. And when he came out and went straight to the rehab designated by the judge, I supported him again, he was spare for jail time on the domestic violence case they credited the time he spent in prison, he was just ordered to do anger management. Although he is allowed to work while in the sobreity living place, i told him to just finish all the classes he needs to take and i can support the two of us financially.He refused to do it ,i found out later on that he is been cheating again, talking and meeting women he meet online , POF is one of them thats how i foun this site, one of the women he met that i was able to talk to found her number from the cell phone bill he and i share,. all the lies he had told me and used me for security reason, i don't understand myself why do i still love him. And when he finally found a job he told me its over between us. he doesn't want to be with me anymore, that i was too obsessed with him and he needs some space. Up until now all his lawyer's bill i still pay for them, because i was the one who hire them , when i asked him to atleast help a little bit just to give him a sense of obligation, he said he never asked me to hired them, and whatever i have done for him he never asked for it.
I know for some of you who will take time to read this may be thinking he is big jerk and i am very stupid. I kind of know that i am pathetically stupid, up to this moment i'm asking myself why do i still love him, it hurts so much that after all we've been through, i was just waiting for the day he promised that after all his time in rehab everything will be better. Its been 3 months now since he told me its over, he seemed to be way over it but how come i'm still misserable, missing him and still sure of myself that i do love him. Why do i want to stay married with him when he obviuosly don't want to anymore.? I am on the processed of learning how to control my emotions and reading your blog really helps me a lot. I print it and post it at the back of my bedroom door and highlighted those things that i can use and kept reminding myself to just do it.
thank you for taking your time and sharing your intelligence to this site , its like heaven sent to me.
thank you also for your time reading this long story of my life.(that is if you did read it). I got tired myself typing on top of it was very painful to look back what happened.
thank you again and God bless you.! | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 12/26/2006 10:05:55 AM |
So my ex broke up with me cold turkey after a year and a half.
She decided she wanted fun and wants to party. She is now hanging out with a guy that drinks and smokes. I know this is a mistake by her doing so and by me for hanging out with her. I don't party too much. We've even had sex afterwards. She is not having sex with the guy and seems to just be attracted to him for the social/lame party scene... and has said she won't sleep with him.
She tells me that i'm hot and better in all ways, that she needs me and is jealous of me talking to other girls but sometimes tells me i should break her heart...
Should I cut all contact?
She seems kind of "special" since her decisions are king of childish.
She's 20 i'm 23
I would simply follow the advice I've laid out here. You can't control her so you need to understand that. All you have control over is yourself. Work out, hang out with friends, find new hobbies to occupy your time, dive into your work and focus on self-improvement. You can not "force" her to change her feelings. All you can do is separate yourself from her (no sex, no buddies, no chat - she needs to MISS you and she can't do that if you are still feeding her emotional needs while yours are not being met).
Stop hanging out with her and being her "friend." All it's going to do is hurt you and cause you pain. What incentive does she have to come back if you're giving her everything she was getting when you were dating? | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 12/26/2006 10:26:44 AM | i think its nice to have other people to talk to when you need it thank you all keep the good stuff up   | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 12/26/2006 12:07:07 PM | i didn't contact him for Xmas!!!!!!! i'm so glad!!!!  36 days of no contact...and i feel better! He sent me an email for Christmas (it was not personal, but to a long list of people), and i didn't answer back. He's not feeling guilty for dating someone else, so why should i feel bad for not greeting him? and as he doesn't know i found out he's with a new girl, he keeps on leaving an open door (sending sporadic mails)...just in case one day he wants to come back with me...but, oops, i guess that won't happen!
Be happy!!! It's hard to be alone in this time of the year...I know, because it's hard for me too, but better times will come! And someone that really deserves your love will find you 
Happy new year!!!!!! | |
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