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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 1/9/2007 10:09:03 AM | | This just happened to me. I have read many, not all the posts here in the past few minutes. Including the OP's great article about break ups and wanting them back. But when it is all said and done, each and every relationship is different. You can't use the exact same plan for everyone that wants that second chance. Good food for thought however. Sure, I want the second chance and see some very valid pieces of advice. But in the end, I will do what my gut and heart guide me to do. Yes, I may make mistakes and drive her further away. But the total no contact is wrong for me and wrong for her. I won't try to explain why I think so, because it would take a book to even explain us! I think a short friendly hello via a e-mail or the use of an e card might be a good idea just to let them know you think of them. Now I am talking about situations like mine. Neither of us did any wrong to the other. No cheating, lying or things that made the other want to leave the hopes of growth in our 8 month old relationship. She just decided that after 8 months of trying to find that "in love" feeling with me was not there and feels that if it was not there in 8 months, it won't be there ever. Of course I disagree with her. I have to disagree because I want her to be in love with me. OK, so the hopes are less then 5% or whatever. But to abandon a great lady and the shared goals we had together and as individuals wanting a life partner would be wrong for me at this time. I am gong to try to be her friend. But I will not contact her for some period of time. I can only hope what we shared is important enough to her to want to think about it more and maybe start anew. In the mean time, I'll window shop and go through the motions of meeting others. But I will be up front and honest with them about my broken heart. I will not lead a lady on and hide that my heart is not free to give away....yet if ever again. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 1/9/2007 10:19:32 AM | What about a 3rd chance? I was together with my bf for 2 years, we broke up for 3 weeks, 9 months in. He broke up wit me, then asked to get back together. He recently broke it off again, should I even try?
It would definately be worth it if it works in my opinion, hes an incredible person.
From the book.."he's just not that into you"
% of men who have broken up with a woman they are "really into": ......0
So should you spend time with someone who has already bailed twice is the ???
What Is so "incredible" about someone who has wishy washy feelings for you and keeps using the door?..he's just keeping you on th back burner till he finds "her. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 1/9/2007 10:33:39 AM |
From the book.."he's just not that into you"
% of men who have broken up with a woman they are "really into": ......0
So should you spend time with someone who has already bailed twice is the ???
What Is so "incredible" about someone who has wishy washy feelings for you and keeps using the door?..he's just keeping you on th back burner till he finds "her.
That'd be my guess. It's so much better to focus on those who are into you than those who are not. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 1/9/2007 12:51:14 PM | You know what? When it makes sense, it makes sense. When you posted to one of my forums I was still getting conflicting info. This post of yours really clarified things for me.
You know, no relationship breakdown is caused by one person. Therefore, no reconcilliation can be brought about by one person. However, following these simple rules gives the dumper and the dumpee time to adjust, and focus on themselves.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder and while they may be living it up with the new person in their life, chances are it's a rebound for them as well. It may take up to six months to a year for their new person's bad side to show through.
Or, it may take 6 months to a year for the dumper to realize that all the bad things in the relationship are not all the fault of the dumpee. You're not there anymore to blame remember? This of course does not apply to every situation, but use some common sense.
As for me, I broke a rule or two suggested in this post, b4 I read it. I don't know what lasting effect that will have, but now I am doing things for me and going to try to put my life back together. I've joined a gym, reading lots of books, both self-help and some fiction for fun. I've taken up a few hobbies, and doing things that I like to do. And of course, there's the inevitable counselor (if you don't have one, get one! No substitute for you own good mental health. Especially if kids are involved). If in the end this love was meant to be for her, depending how my views on it are at that time, I may consider working on reconciliation. I also may not! Currently, I certainly would.
Thanks Jarbarian, it is evident from all your contributions that this is a labor of love for you. And when going through  hell, it's nice to have a guide. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 1/10/2007 11:41:29 AM | Hi,
Its really hard for me to write to you about this. I went thru the breakup process about 2 years ago. Then we got back together. But the one thing that I have learn, If you don't have the trust, it won't work. Know matter how many times you go back.
I had another boyfriend and my ex broke us up. He didn't want me to be happy with someone else. He pays people to get into my life and tell him what I am doing. My house is still watched, What am I suppose to do?
I still love him and I am still grieving and trying to get over him. I am trying to move on. I spend alot of time crying. People that Love one another are not mean, do not Cheat and Lie to each other.
My friends say it is best to sell my home and move away where no one knows who I am. I already kicked all my friends to the curb, (anyone who says that I should go back to him).
Tell me why would a man, cheat with other women, tell me he doesn't want me anymore or love me anymore, BUT, babysits me and pays other people too? I know that he Stalks me too. I always watch my rearview mirrow on my truck. My neighbors tell me to sell my truck because everyone knows it...that is not a good excuse to me!
What is YOUR advice for this problem?
I never tell anyone, everything that I go thru, this is just a part of how bad this problem has been.
No one knows where I go to when I go dancing. I always change. How do you start a new relationship when you have baggage like this?
Pam
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 1/10/2007 12:06:26 PM | Pam, based on what you said I would MOVE. Period. Find a job in another city and relocate. You can get a restraining order against this guy but why live in fear.
Move. I know it's hard but sometimes leaving the past behind means literally as well as figuratively. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 1/12/2007 5:06:25 PM | | hello i split up with my fiance about 4 weeks ago now. he finished with me because everytime we had an arguement i used to break something, ie remote controls, phones, etc... the last resort was when i broke his mirror. we was together a year and we was living together after 3months at his parents house. we was engaged after 6 months. i know we rushed things to quickly but it just felt right at the time. i trully believe rob is my soul mate. i love him so much and cant get him out of my head. we have slept together twice since we finished and it just felt so right. but now im left hurting because he still says he only wants to be mates. i really dont know what to do. i just feel so hurt and let down, i want him so much and i just dont seem to be getting anywhere. ive read what you said about what to do for a second chance but it isnt that easy. i just feel so confused at the moment. i have thoughts of sucide and hurting myself. i did take an overdose wen we first split up it was all too much for me. luckily i was ok. i have started to lose my weight now and get out and spend time with my friends which i didnt do when we was together. i am feelin more happy in myself now i just want him back thats all carly xx | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 1/15/2007 9:31:11 AM |
ive read what you said about what to do for a second chance but it isnt that easy
No, it's not -- I never said it was.
You have to love and respect yourself to follow the guide perfectly. If you do not, it will be very difficult for you to do everything without backsliding.
Being able to love someone the right way starts first with being able to love and accept who YOU are. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 1/15/2007 1:40:07 PM | Dear Confused 19,
You are so young and there is a lifetime ahead of you. If this guy can disappoint you like this and he's not sure what he wants, then you should realize now that you deserve better. When two people are meant to be then they just know it. Someone who will break up with you, then sleep with you, and then be gone the next day - is not going to be reliable. He is getting the perks and doesn't have to be commited. He knows he can come back when he wants. So, read the advice given by the "expert" - and live your life! The best way to move forward and be happy is to love yourself and enjoy your life.
If he can hurt you this much, then he doesn't deserve you...so go out there and find someone who does - and don't be in a rush! You are only19! | |
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CCLT
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Joined: 12/28/2006
Msg: 860 | |
| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 1/16/2007 6:59:30 AM | "Being able to love someone the right way starts first with being able to love and accept who YOU are."
That sentence is SOOOOO true. It took me a while to see that I needed to be ME and like who I was before any relationship would work. I used to think that was always a cliche but its not. Loving yourself will definitly show on the outside as well as the inside. And that's definitly what attracts the right people!!
That being said I followed alot of the advice. No contact was the hardest in a small town. It was not easy when talking to HIM was only a click away, or 2 feet in front of me, BUT he contacted me first and in person. It was rocky at first because I had so much anger towards him for hurting me. We both still had the love, but were VERY unsure of whether we could work it out. I had trust issues because of a lie he told, and it didnt look promising. I finally had to say to myself "let it go" The break up taught me that communication really is everything. I had alot of issues with his past behavior, but couldnt see that it was just that, his PAST, but talking with him and letting him know my feelings instead of keeping it in and trying to forget helped. He understood, and tried that much harder to gain my trust again. I no longer have that womans "gut feeling" that he is doing wrong, and not trust worthy. I also found ME again, which I had kinda let go of during the relationship. I wont say my heart wasnt broken when he ended it back then, but I have gone back to ex's before and was always afraid of when it was going to crash on me again. I dont feel that way this time. The advice above may not always work, and I had really become ok with things even if we hadnt got back together, because regardless of the outcome, I felt so much better as time went on. Thanks again Jarbarian. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 1/16/2007 8:39:26 AM | Slady, you are welcome. Be true to yourself and you will surround yourself with people who love you for who you are, not what they think you are or what you want them to think of you.
I can't stress loving who you are and respecting who you are enough. If you don't love or respect yourself, how can you expect anyone else to feel that way about you?
Cheers. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 1/21/2007 6:45:37 AM | Just wondering if anyone here's had their gf/bf back off away from them because u were getting too clingy...
tried this method of not calling as much/pretending to be busy...
and had ur gf/bf come back to u and want to see u more often? | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 1/22/2007 10:21:05 PM |
Just wondering if anyone here's had their gf/bf back off away from them because u were getting too clingy...
tried this method of not calling as much/pretending to be busy...
and had ur gf/bf come back to u and want to see u more often?
Unfortunately about the only thing that works in that situation is let them go and date someone else. I say unfortunately because most people take that to mean just "go grab a girl and fake like you're dating her." That's not what I mean.
I mean once you are healed well enough, start dating. It doesn't mean sleep around. It means go out on dates with women and start having fun. Unforunately it's usually only when an ex sees you are moving on do they they care and to me at least, it's far too late for them. Once I have moved on I won't look back.
The best thing I can tell you to put 100% of your focus on yourself. Don't worry about what your ex is doing. Figure out how to get your needs met without depending on someone else and you will break free from clingy/needy behavior.
Cheers. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 1/27/2007 6:01:34 PM | | I have to disagree. I know of a few friends who redated their ex and happily married with children. So, like anything in this world of man, it is not fool proof or absolute. You have to find out what works best for you. For me, I am going to fight for my ex's heart. She is worth it and maybe that is all she needs, is to know that I will never let her go. There are a lot of good information to live by in your post OP, but it is not the absolute, end all rule for second chances or love. And no, just because you do all these steps does not mean someone will fall for you. I have been ACTIVELY seeking someone to take her place for almost 2 years, and not even a one nightstand (not that I am looking for one). And I refuse to die not knowning what it feels like to be a husband and a father in my life. And if that means I have to work on getting my ex back to fulfill this, I will. Because love and family are too important to me to leave to a theory that isn't 100% fool proof. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 1/28/2007 6:56:17 PM |
She is worth it and maybe that is all she needs, is to know that I will never let her go. I am sorry, but this is a statement of a man in denial. I don't think the OP has stated he is the answer to all that haunts our dreams, but he is right when he recommends we take time away from our ex to think, heal, and do what is right for us by making "I" the most important person in our universe, at least for now and until the healing has taken place. There are too many posters and believers here that have taken his advice and benefited from it. You will deal with your demons as you think you need to, but Jar's advice is a good place to start. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 1/29/2007 10:42:37 AM | | ^^ I was going to say that but decided to let it go. Some people enjoy beating their heads against the wall in futility. When your sense of self-worth and confidence is back, you'll know when it's time to pack up and move on. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 1/29/2007 11:58:59 AM |
For me, I am going to fight for my ex's heart. She is worth it and maybe that is all she needs, is to know that I will never let her go.
If you have to *fight* for you ex's heart, chances are its already gone.
What is there to work on if you will "never let her go"?
You basically make yourself into a doormat, and leave yourself open to getting used and dumped again at her leisure by saying that.
The reality is that both me and my GF know that having each other *now* is no guarentee of success. It takes mutual communcation and respect, the things you need to have *while you are in* the relationship. Once a relationship ends, the damage mostly has already been done. Feeling a "loss" is a natural part of that, and many people attempt to get back together again, but the reality is that it rarely works, and the only way it *can* work is if the two people understand the reasons *why* the split happened, and still have respect for themselves and each other, and work to resolve the underlying causes of the original breakdown in the relationship. It isn't easy, and it takes *both* people wanting to work it out, not one saying "I'll never let go".
You can have all the respect for her in the world, but she doesn't respect *you*, or you are there 'pining' after her like a lost puppy, then if she hasn't lost respect for you already she probably will.
A person with respect for themselves would say "look, I will always have feelings for you, and if you ever think you may want to try again, or even just talk about it, let me know... but I'm not going to wait around, love is a *2-way* street, and I deserve to find & have that love in my life, with or without you, and if not "us" then I hope you find the same", and then leave it at that. That denotes respect, you want them to be happy, and you want you to be happy. Is your statment about what you think will make *you* happy, or is it about wanting *her* to be happy? | |
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Wenjo
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Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 870 | |
| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 1/29/2007 7:47:49 PM | It is 2.5 months since the man that I loved left me...poof...gone...I was devastated and honestly didn't think I would survive...I couldn't imagine wanting to live without him...and for a month I was a pathetic, weeping bundle of self pity...I took all responsibility for the split..and absolved him of all faults...my self esteem plummeted and I lost my sense of humour..my friends tolerated this misery for the first month, and then started to get tough with me...not that they weren't sympathetic..everyone had been through something like this...but it was painful to them to see me on a self destructive path..It was Christmas day that a neighbour practically dragged me from my home..and insisted that I join him and his family for dinner..so I cleaned up, dressed up and took my sorry ass over...I was totally surprised to find out that...I hadn't lost my social skills..could still have a good time...and started to have a glimmer that there was life after a love loss...
I never made the mistakes that the DON'TS of this article list..but I had seriously thought of doing them all...revenge and retribution were constantly on my mind...thank God, that I didn't..I have heard from several sources..that the man in question has said that he still loves me..and misses me...but he has dug himself a hole that he may never climb out of...and I feel sorry for that fact...I saw him today...not to talk to, he was across the street from me...and I realized, that I would always love him...and miss him on occaision..but gone was the knife twisting him my heart...and the urge to throw up...there was just a vague sadness...I had survived, through the wisdom and kindness of my friends...sheer determination on my part..and am a far stronger person, tha, I had given myself credit for..this article is good..real good, and I wish that it somehow could be handed to anyone who is suffering a broken heart...it might not be what they want to hear right at the begining, but it is very wise advice...thank you. | |
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RJB888
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Joined: 11/23/2005
Msg: 871 | |
| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 1/29/2007 10:15:24 PM | Dark:
It's been 2 years that you split from her and your still trying to get her back? I'm sorry for all the pain you feel, but....2 YEARS!!!! If she hasn't come back by now she's not coming back. Plain and simple. I'm sure she has been out with other men, most likely has been sexual with some.
Maybe it's not right for me to say this but I'm going to, let go, move on. It's over.
Are you going to waste 2 more years of your life fighting for someone that does want you anymore? Or are you in such denial you can't see the light!
Dark do you think it's time to seek professional help with this? It's really not a healthy attitude to have. Don't you think you deserve better in your life than wasting years away for someone that has moved on herself.
I'm not trying to be mean, but you have to read what all of us are reading. Doesn't sound good. Plus it kinda makes you sound like a stalker.
Edit: Dark I read your profile, just a thought, maybe you could lighten it up a bit. Sounds like a man that is broken hearted.
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 1/29/2007 10:31:46 PM |
She is worth it and maybe that is all she needs, is to know that I will never let her go.
Prescription for heartache or victory...
Either way the odds are the same. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 1/29/2007 10:57:29 PM | | Everything you've outlined is so very true. Who wants someone who is down on themselves, living in the past,and pining away over an ex! I know I don't! Yes, getting over someone is hard, but it has to be done or you will never find the love you deserve. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 1/30/2007 4:18:21 AM | | ^^^^Right to the point cbkami, love yourself first, and good things happen, loving people find you. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 1/30/2007 4:19:14 AM | You know what you didn't say, is by the time you go through all these steps, you don't want them back anymore. So kind of defeats the whole thing, but maybe it's the way things are supposed to go after all?
Either way I think I've read this 50 times and it helped me so much. Thank you! | |
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