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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 1/30/2007 11:09:22 AM | You know what you didn't say, is by the time you go through all these steps, you don't want them back anymore. So kind of defeats the whole thing, but maybe it's the way things are supposed to go after all?
I did say that and yes, I think that's very important to come to that realization. That if you do heal and don't want them anymore, you've also grown and will find someone 1000 times better for you.
The point is to get yourself fixed first before you even decide if you want a second chance. Odds are if your confidence and self-esteem return you'll realize you deserve to be with someone who would not treat you badly and you won't accept being treated badly in a relationship ever again.
Either way I think I've read this 50 times and it helped me so much. Thank you!
You're welcome and I am glad it's helped you. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 2/3/2007 3:17:06 PM | I wish I would have read it 10 months ago. It would have helped.
My ex broke up with me in April of last year. She told me that right now in our lives, we aren't meant to be. We tried to not talk, it lasted a week. She almost had a nervous breakdown, saying it's hard not having that one person in your life to talk to. We continued to hang out constantly for a long time. Only faltered once and had sex. She eventually told me that I was her best friend. She also told me that she was over me. Didn't act like it though. We would hang out lots, even cuddle together whilst watching movies. Then in December, it all went to Hell. She decided to ignore me, for some reason. I was upset. Got all jealous and left the place where we were. She was hanging out with some guy friends, and wouldn't even give me the time of day. After that, we didn't talk for about a month. I was away for Christmas and New Years. When I came back, we talked. She told me that we needed a break. Needed time away. If we wanted this friendship to work. Now a few weeks ago, I see her out. With this new guy. I assumed the worst, that they were dating. I tend to get jealous. I'm working on that now. I went and told her that I was OK with her dating this guy. Wrong thing to do.
But now we have no contact with each other. She texted me last week, I just gave her a quick response. Didn't ask how she is doing or anything.
What do you think of that situation? | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 2/3/2007 11:19:18 PM | | Great advice! My only concern is that I'm currently 8 mts pregnant with his child so it would obviously be very hard for me to cut contact with him right now. Any advice on what else I could do? | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 2/4/2007 12:05:58 AM | You are absolutely right in everything that you said and that is why it made me cry when I read it ... it's because I know in my head that it is all true but my heart just wants to be with him no matter what ...
We had the perfect relationship from the very beginning; clicked immediately, got along in every way, never even argued. He was so loving and caring. Then after six months, he told me his ex wants him back and he is confused. On top of that, he said the after six months we should either commit or walk away. Where does that rule come from? It broke my heart that he didn't want to give our relationship a chance to see where it will go. I still believe we would have been great together. My memories constantly make me cry and as hard as I try, I can't get over him.
What makes it worse is that we are involved in a work project together and will have to communicate and see each other every few weeks. I saw that as a positive until I read what you said. He says he will love me forever but he is not ready for a commitment. I do go to the gym on a regular basis but can not find pleasure in it or anything else including hanging out with my friends. I don't know if this miserable feeling will ever go away. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 2/4/2007 5:30:22 AM | for pinkrose****good question,if you're pregnant and
have to have some contact the 'detachment' must be internal......its very
hard to do but once you've mastered it you would'v
become a much stronger person.
.....which is related to my idea of in addition to the great
ideas being presented here a spiritual element would also be very
helpful.when we have a spiritual perspective
we see all of us are put in the world with everything we need,maybe not always
in actuality but certainly in potential.....we join
with others either in love or in friendship ALSO from joy
and freedom,,,,and SHOULDNT ALWAYS be from desperate NEED | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 2/4/2007 1:27:16 PM | I don't know if I meantioned it hear yet. But, here is something that will debunk the absolute sounding of this thread...I have two friends who had VERY nasty break-ups with their exs. Moved on, kept in contact with that ex for some reason. And when then one day, they rekindled their relationship and within a few months/two years, these people were married to their exs. Today, these friends have not only the ex, but also a 5 children between the two of them. And sware up and down that they are happy them and their ex got back together. I've known a devorce woman remarry her cheating ex and they are still doing well. So, the fact is this...
You are the one's who can decide if going back is a good thing for YOU and only YOU. You can advice that YOU would not do it, but you can't tell someone they are doomed if they do, because you have no crystal ball. And NO scientific or "proven" fact can explain away the exceptions or that it is not possible for more exceptions. | |
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RJB888
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Joined: 11/23/2005
Msg: 883 | |
| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 2/4/2007 1:42:05 PM | DNR:
Yeah we heard you on page 35. So since this happened to a few people you know, you think it will happen with you and the gf from 2 years ago?
In my perfect world it would work, but the fact is, it's not a perfect world, and getting your ex back most times does not work. Sad but true.
But some people just don't want to believe that so they hang on to someone that doesn't want them. I know I was that person before. Took me a while to let go, but I did. I'm sooo much healthier for it. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 2/5/2007 7:43:34 AM | hi i completely agree with everything you have written, but its so hard to put it in to practice??
my ex left just over 2 weeks ago leaving me with our 3 month old son and a lot of debt. The relationship had been in trouble for about 6 months with constant fights and arguments, but throughout this he still told me he loved me every day. so when he left one day and didnt return i was gutted. iv screamed cried begged him to come back and i know this is pushing him further away but dont seam to be able to stop doing it????
please help | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 2/5/2007 9:23:15 AM |
I wish I would have read it 10 months ago. It would have helped.
My ex broke up with me in April of last year. She told me that right now in our lives, we aren't meant to be. We tried to not talk, it lasted a week. She almost had a nervous breakdown, saying it's hard not having that one person in your life to talk to. We continued to hang out constantly for a long time. Only faltered once and had sex. She eventually told me that I was her best friend. She also told me that she was over me. Didn't act like it though. We would hang out lots, even cuddle together whilst watching movies. Then in December, it all went to Hell. She decided to ignore me, for some reason. I was upset. Got all jealous and left the place where we were. She was hanging out with some guy friends, and wouldn't even give me the time of day. After that, we didn't talk for about a month. I was away for Christmas and New Years. When I came back, we talked. She told me that we needed a break. Needed time away. If we wanted this friendship to work. Now a few weeks ago, I see her out. With this new guy. I assumed the worst, that they were dating. I tend to get jealous. I'm working on that now. I went and told her that I was OK with her dating this guy. Wrong thing to do.
But now we have no contact with each other. She texted me last week, I just gave her a quick response. Didn't ask how she is doing or anything.
What do you think of that situation?
I think you need to follow the guide, as written. I couldn't make it any simpler.
Great advice! My only concern is that I'm currently 8 mts pregnant with his child so it would obviously be very hard for me to cut contact with him right now. Any advice on what else I could do?
That's a tough situation. You're in the UK correct? I am not sure what the laws are there but he has to be responsible for his child. You will have to have contact to get support for the child but make sure any time you interact with him it's ONLY about the child and never about the relationship.
I'm really sorry you are in this situation. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 2/5/2007 9:57:07 AM | chissymay, yes of course you're better off not pleading and pursuing him, but instead of being concerned about pushing him further away, you should be getting mad as hell and seeking every legal remedy against him to make sure you and your child are taken care of.
If you need help giving in to your emotions, use the 24 Hour Rule. Wait 24 hours before acting on anything you feel. This gives time for the feelings to change. You can always vent the feelings into your pillow or shower or in your car, instead of to his face or on his voicemail. Always think first: "will this be good or bad if I do it?" Just because you feel something doesn't mean you have to act on it. Sometimes there is more power in not doing anything, and when in doubt as to what to do, don't do it. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 2/5/2007 11:30:12 AM | | Sage advice, CG. Always respond, never "react." Responding means you have had time to think and digest. Reacting means you are acting on emotions and have not thought things through. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 2/5/2007 12:08:19 PM | This is exactly what i've been needing, that advice! (have a friend who's an ex and it's always been so sticky. I keep telling myself we are good friends & have been trying to patiently be his friend but after talking last night, i realized i can't do that to myself anymore. After 5 years, enough is enough. I guess im just afraid of losing him as a friend because i've had him in my life for awhile. But i know i can't be afraid. On new years, he led me on and kissed me. I thought wow, but then i thought "omg, here we go again"...So i backed away from him and that gave me strength to go out there and try actual dating again. As much as he wants to be a friend, he makes me feel miserable most the time....And he's told me that i always have him. But i told him i need something more that he can no longer offer me, not just a friend who wants to lead me on when he wants something or to use me as a rebound during his separation to divorce. Hell, I wasted my time waiting for something to come with him a few years ago, just for him to go off and marry someone else. Since he's in the middle of a divorce , IM NOW GOOD ENOUGH FOR HIM. Now i realize i think he's using me because nobody else wants to talk to him about his problems.
This post has given me more confidence to not get attached to him again and to leave him alone or he's going to screw up my dating life and ruin any chances for me to find happiness with someone else (he has already got my mind playing mind games wondering if someone else will treat me this bad too, so it's got me cautious to get close to anybody). Now i know that these games are not healthy & that i should break off all contact with him, to start a new and improved life for myself.
So thanks for bumping up this thread.
Just comes to show you that if someone rejects you, you must never give up. Everyone fears rejection and everyone has experienced it at some point in their life. Giving up will only make your fear of being alone come true, that's what happened when i took 3 years to get over him. Now i take my time in getting to know someone, and if it doesn't work out and they are upfront, i will accept it and move on. Nothing worse than stalking a guy (or staying friends with an ex) who OBVIOUSLY made up his mind that he wants something else.
Also, I now know that a person needs to build confidence and love themselves before they can honestly expect someone to love them back. So that will help me out now since im just back on the dating scene. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 2/7/2007 10:25:15 PM | | Simply put, trying over with an ex is sheer folly! It will not work! Give it up & move onward! | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 2/8/2007 5:44:16 AM | To answer you question RJB888...Like the average person...I don't have a crystal ball. I did not foresee her friends advising her that because of the distance and difficulties we faced, that she would take their advice. I did not for see her telling me that she is still has feelings for me and that maybe we still might have a chance. I don't know if tomorrow I will get hit by a bus or win $1M. That is what is the splender and fear of life. The no absolutes. You found it painful for you to hang on to hope. I don't. I am able to let go and not look back when someone else is filling that space in my heart. Rememberance and hope does not equate to being held back. It is what you do to hold yourself back, like push aside other potiential partners or interferring in that person's life.
It takes a special level of spiritual enlightenment and growth to see things the way I see them. I am not saying I am superior, but that my ways and beliefs have helped me to see the world in various ways that others may not see. In the end, we each must choose for ourselves what is good or bad. Because sometimes that good advice that someone else is giving you does not work or may actually do more harm than good. And that is all I offer and that is all I take from you fine ladies and gentlemen, advice, in the end I make up my own my and live my own life. That is all I can do.
And again, that is why there are the exceptions to the rule, to show you hope and to make you rethink your decisions. Or to give you warning and let you know that it might be good now, but there are areas where you have the chance of a choice havng a bad outcome. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 2/8/2007 1:47:00 PM | | i got back with my ex.so it is possible.i never went full no contact.i answered her text and phone calls,and every once in a while i let her know what she meant to me.people dont seem to get the meaning of no contact.it is not a blanket ban on chatting,it is like jarbarian says ,and others,it is a way of healing.it is not a means of getting them back.they will only come back to you if they realize they made a mistake.there is nothing you can do to make them come back .but what n/c does is give them a chance to think clearly without you bugging them .and it gives you the chance to move on and at the same time to think of the reasons it went wrong with a clear head,which you can only have if you are no longer chasing them | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 2/8/2007 8:41:26 PM | We choose what will happen in our life....so the break ups we all have had, was by our own choice. The Universe gives you what you will and if you have been broken, its your ego and past that keeps you in that forever cycle of life, that can not be broken, until you choose different.
I think most of us "want" a second chance because the of our feelings regarding rejection and that wasnt what we choose to happen....but it was our choice at the time...
Focus on exactly what you "will" and choose for your life.....never what you want because the Universe will forever put you in the state of want if you do so.
I do not will a second chance, I choose instead a new beginning without the past being involved. Which means it is my intention to be with someone who doesnt just give me back reflections of myself but enhances my life for the better....then it will "happen" and it will be better with no past dramas. Let go of what you had and embrace your new beginning...if you truly will and choose to be with your ex, then it will happen but it has to be with true intentions. Do Not will it back as it was before because it will end exactly the way it did before.
Sounds like mumbo jumbo?....lol...try it....you may be surprised and instead of getting that second chance with your ex.......you will start a brand new beginnng with them or someone exactly intended for you.
I was never fond of these rules for a second chance...to me (and the OP knows I dont say this to offend him....I really respect him and his energy he has given this thread).....these rules just sound to much of a manipulation, that never works with the Universe and good karma. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 2/9/2007 10:10:54 AM | Not offended at all, Ladybug. The main point of this thread is how to heal first. Because if you haven't healed, you will not only NOT get a second chance, you'll ruin any future chances with someone new.
Heal first for foremost. Worry about the future, later. The past is dead and buried and you can't change it. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 2/10/2007 5:47:46 AM | Great advice Jab,
I think the most important part is learn your lesson. Until you learn what you have done to contribute to the relationshil breaking down you are doomed to repeat it even if you get back together or start a new relationship. Learn first and then forgive the partner for their part then see what happens. You might just be amazed!
Thanks for the awesome thread | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 2/12/2007 8:46:09 AM | You could say it this way: "The definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over expecting different results each time...."
Appreciate the kind words.
I would like to hear from anyone who has taken the advice to see how it's worked for you. I know of many people who have written me personally to say they are going to take the advice and a few who reported back a few months later how much better they felt. I would still like to hear from others if you are out there, if this helped you. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 2/13/2007 3:17:50 PM | | second chances are conceivable but wouldn't you guys aggree that a 3rd times a charm because that's when all the knowledge of what went wrong comes into play and that's how we grow we learn from our mistakes and take on new challenges i mean all the bad things that happened are now in your head and your just dying for that 3rd chance don't you think that the person getting that 3rd chance will be alot more wise and a way better person on that chance knowing all that knowledge of mistakes will be fixed and changed? | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 2/13/2007 11:15:43 PM | | 2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10 & 13... Well, I've got everything together except 1,11,& 12... Does that mean I'm at a good start? | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 2/14/2007 9:33:15 AM | Vampire, you've got a great start. Just work on the one's you are missing and you'll start to see the change. I've received many positive replies via email that it works.
You just have to be bound and determined to follow the guide and do not deviate. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 2/17/2007 7:45:45 AM | Jarb,
I have followed your advice, and can now more clearly see what things went wrong. The biggest part to have dealt with is the grief. The past is dead, cannot be changed. So now i'm working on being me, and you know what, it's kinda cool. Still don't know what the future holds. Maybe someday I will find Miss right (for my age group, probably Ms. right ;) ), maybe a new relationship with my ex. Who can tell? At this point, finding what makes me happy is what really concerns me.
One thing's for sure Jarb, you're little list does work. Thank you.
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