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RavX
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Joined: 3/3/2007
Msg: 928 | |
| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 3/7/2007 7:02:03 PM | thanks so much for this post
it's odd how i already knew most of what you wrote.. but it's so different, refreshing, and nice to be able to have read it in black and white and to know someone knows about these things as well. Sorta just as an affirmation that what I'm doing is right.
I've already done a few of the points you mentioned... although I'm having a bit of a hard time with the self-esteem part... ah well
Time heals right? ;) | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 3/7/2007 7:11:54 PM | | No one should get a second chance. They blew it the first time. If they contact you...which often happens...it is usually because their egos can't take the fact that you have moved on. Don't give them the satisfaction. If they really loved you they would not have put you through the hell of the initial breakup. Also, they would be adding insult to injury by trying to get you to fall for their crap again. They are just toying with your emotions. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 3/15/2007 2:37:39 PM | Someone mentioned this thread and I thought I'd drop in. I haven't read the 38 pages but I did read the opening post. :-)
I have to disagree with " I do not believe the old adage "The best way to get over someone is to get UNDER someone else." If your head is not in the right place, some meaningless sex will only make you miss the ex even more.
Not in my case. That is exactly what I needed. For two weeks I was in a slump, dragging myself from morning till night until my brother suggested placing an AD in the Personals column of the local paper. From the Personals I joined a telephone dating service. (This was before computer dating.)
Missing ones husband/wife/partner is only a part of the problem. By that I mean missing that specific individual.
One feels worthless. They wonder why they're not wanted anymore. Their self-esteem is gone. As soon as one meets someone and there is a connection all those things evaporate.
When a relationship ends there were usually problems going on for a while. The person was in a bad mood more often. They didn't want to do things. They complained. The sex wasn't as good or as often. Over time, we (generically speaking) grew accustomed to that and accepted it.
When a person starts dating and asks their partner if they would like to do something the reply is "Great! I'd love to!" instead of the usual "No, I'm not in the mood. I don't feel like it." When meeting for a date the person gets a hug and is felt to be appreciated as opposed to coming home to a whiny, cranky, despondent and/or otherwise miserable individual. 
It's not just the sex although that's definately important. It's the idea of being appreciated. Maybe the relationship doesn't work out but there are other people interested in meeting you. Once one shifts gears, so to speak, the entire scenario changes.
"What am I really missing?" "What was so great about my last partner?" Many times we don't realize how bad it was until we start meeting other people who appreciate us. Then it's a whole new world.
It worked for me after a 13 year marriage ended and I highly recommend it to anyone who is going through a breakup. I'm not saying just jump into bed with anyone but at least get out there and meet. As for meaningless sex I don't believe there are that many people just interested in one night stands. The way I see it is if someone wants to have sex with you they appreciate you more than your partner who left you or they wouldn't have left you. That, in itself, should show you what you're not missing. A person who has known you for a few weeks wants you more than a person who has known you for years. Exactly what is there to miss? | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 3/15/2007 5:08:49 PM |
I have to disagree with " I do not believe the old adage "The best way to get over someone is to get UNDER someone else." If your head is not in the right place, some meaningless sex will only make you miss the ex even more.
Not in my case. That is exactly what I needed.
Dave 1234 - that's an interesting point . I had the same experiances when my heart got broken. Of course it was (most of the time) meaningless sex, but it did help me forget my ex gf(s).
As a matter of fact I was supposed to meet someone tomorrow and this lady made it clear that all she wants to have is sex.
First I thought that I am not going to do it, but after reading your posting I think I should. .
Thanks Dave | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 3/15/2007 6:17:27 PM | You're welcome, Hoirm.
There's no rule that says a relationship can not develop. There's even a song by Elvin Bishop called "Fooled Around and Fell in Love". It happens and one never knows. Maybe it will happen to the lady you're going to meet.
I like to be realistic. People don't usually go to bed with people they don't like so if you end up with her at least you know she likes you and you like her. Sounds like a good start to me. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 3/16/2007 9:38:46 AM | | I think that is great advice, but what do you do when someone won't let you go? My friend is going through a terrible time. He continually tells her that he loves her but he is just confused about his life right now. He tells her that he cares about her and loves her, but doesn't know what the future holds. He doens't call her and only communicates through email. I've told her that I think he is trying to see if there is something better out there without letting her go and chancing losing her. Any thoughts out there? | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 3/16/2007 10:39:40 AM | | My ex wife (married 17 years) dumped me (total shock) then tried to hang on with the old “friends” crap. After three years of being around (and bug free) when she got horny. I finally put at stop to it so I could move on. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 3/18/2007 7:28:39 PM | I personally subscribe to the "one and done" philosophy. I have always felt that if the relationship DID not work the 1st time, it sure as heck isn't going to work a 2nd 3rd or....time.
Besides I think it is just plain MEAN to keep the other person "hanging" while hoping for something to develop that wasn't meant to be in the 1st place. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 3/19/2007 12:54:45 AM | I have to disagree with " I do not believe the old adage "The best way to get over someone is to get UNDER someone else." If your head is not in the right place, some meaningless sex will only make you miss the ex even more.
Not in my case. That is exactly what I needed.
In my case, I have God to please. Sex outside of marriage does not please him and destroys many things. Chief among them, your soul. He knows this and that is why He does not like it.
Though it may work for you in the short term, the long term problems it causes are simply not worth it. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 3/19/2007 5:47:48 AM | | Jarbarian, I think your advice on page 1 is wonderful for getting over an ex, even if you don't want a second chance! I referenced it in "BEST ADVICE TO GETTING OVER YOUR EX" - hope you don't mind! | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 3/24/2007 7:24:14 PM | Just curious Jarbarian if you can give any insight as to why an ex from years ago (from a bad relationship I might add) in one's life would email one to try to "talk" again (as per email)? Of course I have no intention of replying and have blocked his emails from coming through on any of my accounts, but just curious as to why someone would suddenly profess so much caring and concern in an email (years after the relationship ended and no contact the whole time) when they didn't give a damn when it mattered?
I mean I have no intention of being "friends" with an ex who was disrespectful in a relationship to begin with. Mostly just curious on your (or anyone else's) thoughts who have experienced this and actually contacted their ex (from a bad relationship no less), or just ideas on why people do this in the first place. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 3/24/2007 10:43:04 PM | Just curious Jarbarian if you can give any insight as to why an ex from years ago (from a bad relationship I might add) in one's life would email one to try to "talk" again (as per email)? Of course I have no intention of replying and have blocked his emails from coming through on any of my accounts, but just curious as to why someone would suddenly profess so much caring and concern in an email (years after the relationship ended and no contact the whole time) when they didn't give a damn when it mattered?
I mean I have no intention of being "friends" with an ex who was disrespectful in a relationship to begin with. Mostly just curious on your (or anyone else's) thoughts who have experienced this and actually contacted their ex (from a bad relationship no less), or just ideas on why people do this in the first place.
Well to be fair, he could have changed. As people grow older they mature and realize the mistakes of the past. I would recommend you forgive him. Letting go of the past is a key component in healing completely.
That's not to say you should FORGET. I never forget the hurt. It's what helps us recognize red flags and heed them and helps build self-respect and confidence.
If you are amadamant about not having this guy in your life, then you did the right thing. I'm all for second chances when they are MUTUAL and both parties have grown. In your case, he didn't treat you well.
Perhaps he's looking to "score" or maybe he has grown up and matured. Bottom line is you are in the drivers seat and control things now. It's up to you whether you want to go back down that road again. Either way, I would suggest you forgive him and let it go.
There could be a multitude of reasons but whatever you decide, do what is best for you.
Cheers. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 3/25/2007 10:30:04 AM | Thanks for your thoughts jarbarian. For me it's not a matter of forgiving him, I have done that as well as moved on in every way possible. I also wish him the best in his life, but that doesn't mean I want to "catch up" with him or let him know of what's happening in my life. Hence my curiousity about what would motivate someone to contact an ex they were not particularly nice to in a former relationship.
And just because someone is forgiven doesn't necessarily mean they are to be trusted. I guess the bottom line is that I don't trust his intentions, no matter how much he may have grown. At this point in my life I believe in engaging myself with only healthy people and dynamics as much as possible, and the only reason I could possibly want to keep in contact with certain exes (in my opinion) is if I want to hurt myself (which of course I don't!). I know I have done the right thing by not allowing any more of his messages to get through.
Thanks again! | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 3/25/2007 11:07:15 AM | | I agree... Those are the things I try to do but then again sometimes I break the rules.... | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 3/27/2007 5:38:02 PM | Don't worry FoxyTash.... it's very hard to follow Jarb's "rules" (or i would prefer to say advice) at the beginning (just because you don't want to forget him...you can't believe it's over, and you want to fight for a second chance!!! but if he doesn't want to...that's the point where you can't understand it and start hurting yourself) so don't get disappointed... the secret is DON'T GIVE UP!!
I also broke some of the rules (specially the NO CONTACT one) when my ex and i broke up (just because at first i didn't want the things to be over...and it took me some months to recognize that i was trying to make things work ALONE, because he didn't want to!!!...and i realized the best thing i could do was think about me, protect myself, stop suffering.. I was really broken and I needed time to fix me..) So don't worry....and keep on trying!! I promess that if you try, the pain will go away, you wont forget your ex, but some day you will be able to look backwards, think about him and just smile for the great moments you both spend together, but you will live in the present, knowing that if he had really loved you, he would have been there trying to work things out...and if he wasn't , it's because you deserve someone who really loves you and fights for your love and to make things work!!!
Good luck girl!! and remember, you are worth it, so come on! don't give up, and u'll be fine!
Cheers,
P.G. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 4/3/2007 11:30:53 PM | This bears repeating:
"If someone really wants to be with you, neither hell nor high water will stop them from contacting you."
This is why NC is essential. It helps you move on and gives them time to miss you. You are right, PG, that it takes two people to make a relationship work. If one of them doesn't want it, it isn't going to work out.
So you are better served getting yourself in the best shape of your life. Mentally, physically and emotionally. Because when all is said and done, you are the person who is responsible for yourself. No one else.
Take care of yourself and everything else in life will take care of itself.
Cheers. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 4/5/2007 6:55:35 PM | You are welcome, Marg. I received a very nice email yesterday from someone who took the advice and so far it's working well for them.
And just so you know, I not only give the advice, I am taking my own advice as well.
Life is good :) | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 4/8/2007 7:00:32 AM | It's been 4 months since my ex and I seperated. I found out she had started to see someone else. She wanted to break up with me but didn't know how.
Anyway my issue is that the last thing I said to her was that her and all our time together meant nothing and to never contact me. Now after 4 months, my anger has lessened and I have come to realise that the situation wasn't one sided (there were things in my life that needed to be fixed). I want to contact her just stating that what I said wasn't true and that it actualy meant a lot to me (because it did..4 yrs living together) and that I forgive her.
If I contact her and say this does it sound like desperation? or will it ruin the no contact? Would it be stupid after I said to never contact me?
I don't want those last angry words to be between us forever, but maybe it is just a disguised attempt to initiate contact.
What do you think? | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 4/8/2007 7:25:02 AM | "maybe it is just a disguised attempt to initiate contact.
What do you think?"
I think it's a blatant attempt to not have her angry at you because you're hoping things will turn around and now you're afraid you said the wrong things and may upset the apple cart.
ranks76, here's the deal. She doesn't care. She lost interest in you some time ago and by the time you found out about that, she was already seeing someone else. Think about it. She was violating your trust but she didn't want to be portrayed as the bad girl and do the actual dirty work of breaking up, so she leads you to find out about the affair so that you'll break things up for her, and be the "bad guy". Someone who cares about you wouldn't do all that.You're mistaking her for someone who cares.
If you contact her now to apologize for what you've said four months ago and for your part in the relationship, it's NOT going to turn anything around. It's NOT going to make her want you. If anything, it will let her know that she still has you hooked trying to win her approval. It will feed her ego. What do you think she's doing with this other guy? He's feeding her ego. If she can have two guys stroking her, she'll take it.
You forgive her? Hey, she cheated on you. Sure, you did some stuff that didn't help the relationship along, but her answer to that was to cheat, not fix the relationship. So you're dealing with a woman who isn't exactly loyal or trustworthy. Be happy it happened now, that she's out of your life, learn whatever lessons you can glean out of this, fix yourself and your life, and move forward and find someone who has integrity. Forgive yourself for what you've done, not her, and move on.
With a person who's cheated on you: No contact if you want to heal! You're not the one that should want a second chance when it's the other person you cheated on you. | |
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