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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/1/2006 7:30:56 PM | That is Damn good advice! Probably the best I have read so far.
I'm in the final stages of my healing process and it sure took long enough. Thank you soooo much for posting that!
God Bless you!   | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/1/2006 7:42:21 PM | And btw.are you majoring in Psych?? So am I...I'm my own case study..dag..lol..the endless thesis's and papers. In matters of the heart I cannot quote Pavlov or Einstein.
I know.. 'learned helplessness'...too well..Pavlov's dogs.
I'm depending on you to get the love of your life back...you are a shining star in Florida..I think of your plight nightly..and when the sun goes down..there is the first star..this is you..and a dolphin rises out of the gulf..I think of you again..and hope this girl knows what she has..hugs and blessings to you.
Sanschele | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/1/2006 7:58:22 PM | Jar..things will work out as destined for us....and for you..my heart is aching..when did I arrive here?? When did I lose my heart?? I feel like a lost lamb. You are the only guy that makes a difference in the forums..help me with your guidance..I am going slowly insane without him....and dag..I'm considered 'educated'..lol
What can I help you with?
That is Damn good advice! Probably the best I have read so far.
I'm in the final stages of my healing process and it sure took long enough. Thank you soooo much for posting that!
God Bless you!
Thanks and God Bless You too...I know He has blessed me, in spite of all that has happened in my life, He has good plans for me.
And btw.are you majoring in Psych?? So am I...I'm my own case study..dag..lol..the endless thesis's and papers. In matters of the heart I cannot quote Pavlov or Einstein.
I know.. 'learned helplessness'...too well..Pavlov's dogs.
I'm depending on you to get the love of your life back...you are a shining star in Florida..I think of your plight nightly..and when the sun goes down..there is the first star..this is you..and a dolphin rises out of the gulf..I think of you again..and hope this girl knows what she has..hugs and blessings to you.
Thanks. Not majoring in Pysch. My knowledge comes from understanding how I got to where I am and what *I* did to contribute to it. It's clear at the time my behavior was not confident or self-assured (or even strong and masculine) but I've changed that through many, many months of reprogramming my brain. I didn't realize it was OK to be masculine in today's society. In fact as a man you HAVE to be.
If she comes back it will not be because I enticed her to do so, it will be because she has noticed the positive changes in me.
Because when it comes down to it, *we* are the only thing we have control over and to improve ourselves should be our lifelong goal. Not for the ex, but for our own benefit. Besides, if the ex never comes back I'm already much better off for the next woman who comes into my life.
And I'm gonna knock her socks off. That I can promise.
Chin up. Life is good, it's all a matter of perspective. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/2/2006 8:48:39 AM | Hey how about this
My husband who recently has seperated himself from me after only being married for 3 months - is acting like another human being entirely - I really cant do the NO CONTACT since we are working out a legal seperation agreement at this time
Oh YA and he is my next door neihbor for the next 2 months
I am completely devastateed and he is being very cold, and I know that its because for whatever reason its the only way he can keep himself clear of me, but yet its still doesnt make sense.
Yesterday on the phone, he was himself for the 1st time since this all hapened 3 weeks ago - but I think it musta freaked him out, cuz today I got a very chilly, business like email from him. I havent replied, because quite frankly its left me with a sick feeling in my gut.
I do want a second chance, but he has shut the door on me, and the only key he seems to have kept is the KEY to my apartment!
L | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/2/2006 9:49:29 AM | We had a whirlwind romance - he is my next door neihbor - we married after 5 months or so
He is a non-commital guy, and hasnt even let a girl in his world for 8 years until me -
He married me to keep me because I am canadian and he knew he wanted to marry me, so he did it now rather than later
Turns out it was a big mistake...he has been wierd over the last couple of months - kinda playing mind games with me or something - telling me he is pulling away but not actually pulling away - always being just as normal as ever with me...I finally had it one day and I broke down after hearing "i need to get back into my comfort zone" for the last time - and I broke down and cried - and he cried and said "this isnt working we have to break up"
He then asked for space - and 2.5 weeks later tells me that he has thought alot about it and that he no longer wants to be married, and that he feels our relationship is over and he wants a divorce.
He is being so chilly, almost as if that is his only way of keeping me at bay you know? He isnt the person I know.
We have been working it out, and we're going to do a seperation agreement for one year before getting a divorce.
I wrote him a long email about how he is acting like the lawyer that he is, and not my Danny and its hurting me and that its a shame because we had this beautiful relationship and he is ruining it with his coldness...He called me very upset by this - and told me that he couldn't take a shit all day when he got the email and asked me not to send him any more emails like that...I spoke from my heart and it stabbed him in his - I could tell because he is usually pretty even keel.
Anyways, we've talked a few times since, all business, but he called me yesterday on my work phone and he was much much nicer, and even joked around wtih me, and I could hear the warmth that he has been keeping from me.
One other thing - he's seemingingly crossed all his T's and dotted his I's, and yet he has kept ahold of the keys to my apartment.
What are your thoughts? He is running away, I know this for sure - but how far can he really run?
thanks
L | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/2/2006 10:00:28 AM | Well all I can say from what you have written is he is very confused. However, he does want a divorce. You said he was non-commital -- maybe the thought of losing his "freedom" scared him. Sounds like a commitment phobe.
I understand you are hurt. Read the guide and stick to it. I know you have to talk to him due to the divorce stuff but let me tell you -- the best way to change someone else's heart is to show them what life would be like without you.
In the end it still may not work out but for your own peace of mind I would start weening him out of my life as quickly as possible. Go no contact with him (hard as you live next door).
And please. Change the locks on your doors. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/2/2006 10:02:07 AM |
Who knows - no comment - didn't read it. That initial post was so long i needed a couch, a pillow and a beer to read it. I just havn't that much time. Why? Why people why? So much thought and time and energy put in to a dating site forum...
Why -- why post if you didn't read the thread?  | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/2/2006 10:15:37 AM | Well I dont know but he has taken the last three weeks without me, and it only made him decide he didnt want me period.
I dont get how you can want someone 24/7 for months and months on end and then just mind **** yourself out of it.
How is it you think he sounds confused still? I cant even tell you how crazy all of this seems to me.
And Yea I will change my locks - but what would be his purpose in keeping my keys if he wants out out out!
Ya he's a comitment phobe - he told me that being in a relationship means he had to be 'vulnerable" and how he is not ready to do that - but he WAS and then he himself pulled away - AH! its ridiculous!@
L | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/2/2006 10:21:15 AM |
Well I dont know but he has taken the last three weeks without me, and it only made him decide he didnt want me period.
Some things are not meant to be.
I dont get how you can want someone 24/7 for months and months on end and then just mind **** yourself out of it.
Being a commitment phobe can do that to people.
How is it you think he sounds confused still? I cant even tell you how crazy all of this seems to me.
I think he believes he made a mistake. He probably still cares for you but just doesn't want to be married.
And Yea I will change my locks - but what would be his purpose in keeping my keys if he wants out out out!
Odds are he forgot about it unless he's flat out refused to give it back.
Ya he's a comitment phobe - he told me that being in a relationship means he had to be 'vulnerable" and how he is not ready to do that - but he WAS and then he himself pulled away - AH! its ridiculous!@
Well if you understand he is a commitment phobe then you also know that he's pulling away because he's scared. He may never be ready to settle down. In the interim don't hand your personal power over to him. Don't be at his beck and call. Read, heed, follow the guide.
Don't let anyone else be the center of your life. YOU should be the center. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/2/2006 10:58:28 AM | Hey Jarbarian,
Just thought I'd give you an update, It has been two months now, and I've followed your advice to the letter. I think its working; my ex wants to meet me for lunch, and he said in his email that he was a little jealous of how much fun I'm having, and that he hasn't met anyone like me since we broke up. Looks like a good sign 
How do you think I should proceed from here? | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/2/2006 11:16:50 AM |
Hey Jarbarian,
Just thought I'd give you an update, It has been two months now, and I've followed your advice to the letter. I think its working; my ex wants to meet me for lunch, and he said in his email that he was a little jealous of how much fun I'm having, and that he hasn't met anyone like me since we broke up. Looks like a good sign.
How do you think I should proceed from here?
Excellent news!
First things first. Don't be in a rush to get back together. Take it slow. Two months really isn't a long time for him to see what he's missed. You may have changed for the better but that doesn't mean that he has.
I would continue to work on your confidence and self-esteem. Don't ever let him be the center of your life. Don't give him your personal power (by being clingy, etc). Show him you are independent, have a life and don't "need" him. It's ok to want someone - but never OK to need them.
When you meet him for lunch do NOT discuss the past or the relationship. Everything should be new. You should evaluate him as you would do anyone on a first date. Be happy, be fun, etc. Focus on having a good time and getting reaquainted and never on the past, your feelings, etc.
Think of this like a game of poker. If you show all your cards right away you'll lose. If you are playing 7 card stud, show one card, hide the rest. The next time you meet, show the next card.
You ARE a catch. You ARE a good person. You deserve to be loved and respected. Show him that.
Good luck!!!! | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/2/2006 11:38:14 AM | When we have talked, I've been very careful not to bring up the past and all the stuff about the break up, I figure it will only complicate things.
"I would continue to work on your confidence and self-esteem. Don't ever let him be the center of your life. Don't give him your personal power (by being clingy, etc). Show him you are independent, have a life and don't "need" him. It's ok to want someone - but never OK to need them."
You are absolutely right, and it was this that part of your advice that I followed most conscientously. I think this is kind of what has drawn him back to me. I think you are right about not "needing" someone, though I definately want him ;-) In all seriousness though, you are right and I'm not going to allow him to make decisions for both of us or feed the monster by being all clingy.
Thanks for all the advice you have given Jarbarian,
NotSoConfusedNeMore19 :-D | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/2/2006 12:39:23 PM | You're welcome.
"Neediness" and being "clingy" are very big warning signs of low confidence and self-esteem. The only person you ever need on this planet is yourself (And a good relationship with God - well, at least I do. :))
Every morning you should wake up and say "I am worth it" because you are! Tell yourself that often and "fake it till you make it." Once your confidence is back up to healthy levels then you'll see the world start to open up for you. Other people will take notice. You'll smile more and no matter what happens in life, you'll be able to handle it.
Best of luck! | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/2/2006 11:49:14 PM | Ii'm giving more hope to it and saying that I think the percentage has changed and i'm increasing it from 5 % to more more more than 5%.
Then i'm gong to pray about it because i really love this man and WANT him.
Then i'm going to let go and wait for him to contact me and exercise, pray, work or whatever else I have to do to maintain and not die.
Then i'm going to pray more and remember to pray more. If I see him ever that will be hard to do but i'll smile. somewhere along the line if he does contact me I WILL BE NICE AND POLITE>.....and loving. Most of all i'm going to pray and ask God to lead me. I do deserve love and to be loved. I guess the childhood i had I never had a father adn the love a child deserves. So, I was always trying to find something wrong and then would sabatage the relationship with it. We don't live very long on this earth and i want one person to love and to love me back. I waited 15 yrs to be with the right man and three months into the relationship he asked me to marry him and i said yes. We have had a lot of downfalls but if he has a forgiving heart and really even did love me in the beginning then i have to say love is UNCONDITIONAL..... LOVE IS unconditional. and my prayers will be answered.
SO, i am going to ask God to answer my prayers....I deserve to be loved and repsected and i deserve to be happy. God wants us to be happy. yeah? I think He does. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/3/2006 2:46:46 AM | | Well I think your ex is crazy...your a beautiful woman and any guy would be lucky to have you as his girlfriend. Your better off without that guy especially if he was scared away by a single comment you made about your relationship. I think your on the right track staying focused on your self. I wouldn't take him back at all if I were you, if he hurt you once he'll probably do it again. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/3/2006 3:20:25 AM | | Your a sharp guy!! You made some great points and everyone should take note. I agree respect is crucial in a relationship for it to be a success. When you start to lose respect thats when the relationship goes downhill. Before you can have a relationship with mutual respect you must have trust. Trust comes with being honest with your mate. There is nothing more exhausting than being with someone who is not honest. Try to never break that trust it is very difficult to earn that trust back. | |
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| Situations are different in every circumstance
Posted: 5/3/2006 6:59:54 AM | I agree with everything you have said, and it's a very difficult thing to do to let go. The one thing I didn't agree from one of people replying is that if it was good in the first place, it would never need a second change. I don't agree with that at all. I believe sometimes there are things in your life that you may have not dealt with, and in the relationship you had to deal with it for the first time.
To move forward in the relationship, you will have to of course deal with these issues, but it's not saying the relationship should never have been or could be again. I believe in each realtionship or each situation in your life, you learn something from it, about yourself and about the people around you. I've learnt a few things from this past relationship that I am now applying to my future, and I continue forward hoping and working on the best for me. Now, if you choose, you can bring it in that relationship again if both of you are agreeing on these changes have been made and now that these issues have been taken care of, we can move forward in the relationship again. I believe it is always possible to do so.
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/3/2006 7:17:07 AM |
What about a 3rd chance? I was together with my bf for 2 years, we broke up for 3 weeks, 9 months in. He broke up wit me, then asked to get back together. He recently broke it off again, should I even try?
It would definately be worth it if it works in my opinion, hes an incredible person.
Whatcha think?
I think if you are OK with a lifetime of breaking up at his whim, go for it.
If it's really really important to you, it might be worth thinking back over the situations and look for a pattern or a consistent trigger.
I'm sure you are right he's a terrific guy,and an INCREDIBLE IDIOT, but then I'm not in love with him.
Love and good luck to you,sweetie, whatever you decide to do!
Cindy O | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/3/2006 9:14:04 AM |
SO, i am going to ask God to answer my prayers....I deserve to be loved and repsected and i deserve to be happy. God wants us to be happy. yeah? I think He does.
Something I want you to always remember:
"God does not always give us what we *want*, but He always provides us what we *need*."
Best of luck to you :) | |
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| Situations are different in every circumstance
Posted: 5/3/2006 9:20:24 AM |
I agree with everything you have said, and it's a very difficult thing to do to let go. The one thing I didn't agree from one of people replying is that if it was good in the first place, it would never need a second change. I don't agree with that at all. I believe sometimes there are things in your life that you may have not dealt with, and in the relationship you had to deal with it for the first time.
Sometimes relationships don't work the first time due to immaturity, circumstances, bad timing, distance, etc. There are many factors that can cause the demise of a relationship.
The most important thing to consider when a second chance occurs is to ask a simple question: "What has changed?" Something must change for the second chance to work out. You, the other person or the situation.
If nothing has changed and you start right where you left off the second chance is doomed to failure. IMHO, that is the main reason second chances fail. Not because people didn't want to try, but that they picked up right where they left off without really changing/improving.
To move forward in the relationship, you will have to of course deal with these issues, but it's not saying the relationship should never have been or could be again. I believe in each realtionship or each situation in your life, you learn something from it, about yourself and about the people around you. I've learnt a few things from this past relationship that I am now applying to my future, and I continue forward hoping and working on the best for me. Now, if you choose, you can bring it in that relationship again if both of you are agreeing on these changes have been made and now that these issues have been taken care of, we can move forward in the relationship again. I believe it is always possible to do so.
Good point and great post! | |
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