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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 4/9/2007 6:51:13 PM | Hmm... I am now wondering if Greg Beerant who wrote "It's Called a Breakup because it's BROKEN" (also author of "He's Just Not That Into You", got his stuff from Christian Carter or DeAnjalo or whoever who maybe got it from Dobson whom Jabarian later credited... nonetheless, it is indeed credible good dating advice... maybe if Jabarian could have worded it differently, saying "Here's some things I found and think are helpful that I thought I'd share" RATHER than seeming to author the passage and appear as an advisor (despite claiming he was no relationship expert the flavor of it was as if he was claiming the advice as his...) it would have gone differently.
Anyhow, again, still great advice and what has unfolded here is shameful w/ attacks. Can't this forum be closed??? I know I am done. LOL | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 4/9/2007 7:07:18 PM | Wow, thank you bike man for admitting you might be wrong......I can assure you that you are....there were actually 4 of us in total that made our profiles up one night after dinner and a few drinks.....privately gave jarbarian the other names.....the pics are posted and he is welcome to contact them.....that is of course unless I am all of them.....lol.......I must be a very busy girl.
I made it clear all along that I wasn't questioning the forum, but the method in which MILF was attacked for her opinion.......I openly further said that she should have done it in another forum.
place your opinions where you wish, I never asked anyone here to do other wise.....just not gang up and slam one person and it wasn't only MILF that claims this work wasn't his.....this was a debat between jarbarian and myself that became way too personal
I did report "whynotme" and if it isn't Jarbarian, (suspiciously coincidental......came online last night.....same sign, height and first name......)then I will apologize but not until I receive confirmation....
This has gone beyond bizarre.....wished I had never joined this....wished it had all been left for the copyright legal department to deal with. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 4/9/2007 7:16:43 PM | FYI... http://www.randomhouse.com/broadway/breakup/itscalledabreakup.htm
Annnd personal apologies as Jarbarian did indeed start off by saying "here is some info I have gathered"... just wish it was "credited"- seems a mix of many sources probably. (As a writer myself I get "weird" about gleaning things w/out credit)... NOW I'm done. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 4/9/2007 7:23:21 PM | Frankly I must admit that I haven't really read very much of this thread. Because in the last few years I haven't found myself in a scenario like many of the people posting here.
But I sort of think in the Broken Hearts forum, we really ought to cut people lots of slack in their posts. As they are coming in here hopefully looking for compassion and a cyber-shoulder to lean on during a rough time. Hopefully people aren't posting in here looking to rib other people or pull people's legs posting stuff of a trolling nature.
There's 42 pages in here and I think I've read maybe 4 or 5 pages. But I've read many of Jarbarian's posts in this thread and many other threads, and this guy has got my respect in our little area of cyberspace. I don't think he is really plagarizing anybody or guilty of any sort of "intellectual theft" like the Sarnia ladies have intimated. The concepts he espouses in this thread probably have been mentioned by hundreds of psychologists probably, if you think about it.
This thread used to be a soft place for emotionally hurt people to land, and it's a damn shame that quality has been lessened by the recent comments here. I really liked the idea that scorned people could come here, become less pained by their bad experiences, and share their experiences with others and discover that they aren't feeling something totally unique--that really does help to wash away pain, I think. With that comment, I hope this thread can regain that nurturing message and offer positive hope to other emotionally confused people.
Peace. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 4/9/2007 7:41:18 PM | Well said in the second paragraph about why people join into forums....looking for compassion and cyber-shoulder....I in a round about way without offering I knew MILF tried telling Jarbarian that he couldn't be aware of things going on in her life......and could have handled things differently himself....and further just said that it should be one on one....not a school yard circle booting and slamming of her.
She was not the only one to post the work was not his and that he copied it word for word....I never slammed this forum or accused the work wasn't his....just that he could have handled things a little more gently......for that
I have been called all kinds of things before the accusations of me being a "rat" and one in the same as MILF came out.....have been jumped all over for sticking up for the fact that they should not be ganging up on one.......stated over and over that this had nothing to do with this thread, but was a personal debate between jarbarian and me......even tried to take it to emails, but jarbarian kept posting......
Brian, I guess you got your wish when you said that you wished I knew what it was like to be called a liar and could understand the need to defend oneself........point proven....
I personally hadn't read the forum until tonight.....and it's not until msg #42 that he credits anyone so if someone only read the first 40 msgs....might be confused.....
I am done with all this nonsense, getting completely trashed for a belief........and can say with out a doubt that I am done with this forum.....if some get help from here.....I am glad......best of luck to all. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 4/9/2007 7:43:11 PM | "... just wish it was "credited"
Post 49 and a few others.
It was written in my words, inspired by the books I mentioned, my Counselor and talking to other people who've been through something similar. Why anyone would think my post would be re-inventing the wheel OR that I claimed to come up with every idea in the thread is beyond me. As bike man said, most if it is just common sense. Pity the intent of this thread has been tarnished. For what reason I still don't understand. None of what's been said since page 39 has been helpful to anyone. The thread is over a year old and it went from inspiring others to heal and move on to a schoolyard smackdown. What a waste.
As for the link you provided, that's the same information Dobson's been giving since 1983, only he says it much more kindly and "God" spirited. Note the publishing date is September 2006. This thread was written in March 2006. I have never read that book and I tend to shy away from books that are not from degreed professionals. That's just me though.
As for the acusations I copied something word for word, well I am still waiting to see proof. I'm confident because I wrote the entire thing in about a half hour. I was not copying from any book. If some things sound familiar, well they are NOT excusive concepts. Heck, I have never even taken credit for the thing. I said when I first posted it that it was "information I have gathered over time" not "thoughs I came up with on my own."
It basically amounts to a condensed version of everything I've learned through my own breakup (from the books, friends, my Counselor, etc). Where I ever said that these were MY thoughts and ideas alone (or that somehow I had an epiphany), I've yet to see that posted by me anywhere.
Ok, here's some information I have gathered about second chances. Now, understand that even under ideal conditions, the odds of a second chance actually working is about 5%. The odds go up, however, if you keep the following information in mind.
(Disclaimer: I'm not a relationship expert. I will say that I have read, studied, talked to countless "so called experts" and see first hand what works and what doesn't. There is no guarantee if you following my guideline you will win your ex back. Some people are able to move on from a failed relationship quite easily, others are not. These are my theories (and theories from others) and as such, will have variations depending upon the circumstances.)
Cheers. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 4/9/2007 8:02:48 PM | OH GOOD GOD, please point out where I said the work wasn't yours.....I have never said the work wasnt' yours or wasn't helpful....I just said it wasn't fair to gang up on one....I never defended her actions, but the fact that it should have been one on one.......I tried to make this private today, but you kept posting......
I do believe that you were a major player in the school yard smackdown and if you and your thread has helped as many people as you claim, that is a shame.......especially considering you are so insightful in some areas....as bike guy said, it should have been done a little more gently......that was the only point I was trying to get across...... | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/7/2007 9:20:34 PM | | I still personally recommend this site to those people in the first stages of getting over their ex EVEN IF they don't actually want a second chance. Jarbarian has accumulated so many terrific ideas and I applaud him and his kindness for helping others through a difficult time! | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/7/2007 11:06:57 PM | Killing the contact actually works. I had no idea of this tread until ...... AFTER I did what I did.
Mine ex dumped and divorced me right out of blue - at 17 years. Then she insisted on being “friends”. She called often and came over once in awhile and ..... we would end up in bed. This went on for three years .... until ......
Nine months ago I stopped picking up the phone when she called. The first time was the first “test” but I passed. She called about 7 or 8 more times over the next week or two ....... I never picked it up.
I seldom drink anything but - about two weeks ago I made some spaghetti and had some wine with it. Then I had some more wine ........
She was the one that did the calling - she kept telling me to call her but I never did. In those three years I called her 3 times and she called me 98 times (I noted her calls on my database).
Back to the wine ....... I called her at about 3:30 am that wine night. While I did most of the talking - she did the “I don’t know” - or “yes” or “no”.
Keep in mind I woke her up at 3:30 am lol ........... but after about an hour I got off the phone.
AND ................ totally forgot about the call in about 3 minutes. It did not phase me one bit. It did NOTHING to me one way or the other. She ask me if I would pick up when she called .......... I think she got her answer lol ....... NOPE.
After three years in limbo - I put a stop to it ..... I killed it. She busted the marriage but - I killed the contact.
I did a lot more than just kill the contact. I also worked hard on my nOOdle - rebuilding my confidence/esteem/pride - but killing the contact was the start of me switching my focus from her to me. Be making the choice to put the focus on me - I was wide awake to all the personal development / self help I did.
I “fixed” myself and I was about as deep in that horrible hole that anyone could be. I had to get over a double hit. Eighteen months after I got the surprise dump - my only real contact in the world (my mom) died. So for 18 months I had her to help me then she was gone. From ok to gone in six weeks. Then I had NO ONE ...... I did it and I did it all by myself. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/8/2007 5:18:17 AM |  Have you been in an LTR since then, Ron, or having you been working to get over your hurts on your own the whole time?
After I left my ex of 10 years, my heart went stone cold over him with anger. His father died (lived out of province) a month later. As he and I eventually learned to become friends, 10 years after the fact, I carry guilt that I wasn't there to give him a shoulder to lean on. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/8/2007 9:43:12 AM | Sam I just buried myself in computer work.
Well right at first I did do some dating. The girls seemed to treat sex like just part of a date. I stopped “dating” right after I started and just buried myself in work related computer work. I am just not all that interested in the easy sex out there. I was just another guy to them - any date - any guy.
I’ve been divorced for 4 years now - more or less been over her for about a year now. Still not dating.
I never was one for just dating for the sake of dating. All of my “relationships” have been to the long side of things - never ha a short one. I was married for 16 years before that 17 year marriage.
I doubt I try to date at all ....... unless I somehow cross paths with a real two way match. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/8/2007 9:52:05 AM | Everyone seems to find one form of a 'crutch' or other to get us through the pain (until we can actually handle solving the issue). Probably the girls you met just used SEX as their 'crutch'. I truly don't think you were just 'any guy' to them. I do TRULY believe that we are attracted to people with the same MAGNITUDE of 'wounds' as our own. We just deal with them differently.
Maybe now that you're doing some SERIOUS letting go ... you'll do some SERIOUS attracting in your direction. I have another idea to help let go of an ex (the words you picked to use were 'more or less'). It might seem a little hokie, but if you're ever seriously looking for another idea to help, feel free to email me. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/8/2007 11:12:06 AM | The only reason for the use of “more or less” is - due to the fact that she still fits. She still center punches my type - she is a nice looking 47 year old female. Not to mention we have known each other 21 years and will always “like” each other.
Due to her being my nearest “recall” to a female and since she still fits ...... she is my mental “fall back”. That is the only thing that keeps “nagging” at me. It is no longer HER - it is a gal somewhat like her (my type) that causes the vacuuming draw backwards.
It has always been like that for me. I always seem to fall back (only in my thoughts) to the last special female in my life. Even when I was a kid. Back then my gf relationships always lasted at least a couple of years. Between girl friends - the previous one was the mental default. As I mentioned - I've never been one for "casual dating". I just stay by myself until ..............
I no longer pine away over her - but she does come to mind sometimes in all these hours of ........ no one in my life. Other than two step daughters (that still consider me dad) there is just no one in my life. Their mom (my ex wife) always trumps me on all holidays and special events ...... she assumes her way in. The girls get together a couple of times a year and make me a dinner and their mom can’t assume her way into that lol. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/8/2007 12:27:52 PM | Great Advice
im gonna use it Me and my boyfriend just broke up but we both love each other deep down
i didnt make love to him and cos he wouldnt tell his best mate about me i felt like a dirty secret
its killing me inside but i know my ex he is really jealous and seeing me with someone else will break his heart
im gonna try and forget about him and he will probably come running back
He Always does
Making No Contact with him drives him mad so its for the best
Thanks for the advice | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/16/2007 12:08:02 AM | Jarb,
I'm sorry about all the bull that's been going on with this thread. Truth of the matter is regardless of whether it's your "information" or not, you're here on your own time, putting in your own effort to help people and I commend you for that.
This thread was meant to help people and as such why don't we put our differences aside and just be happy that we can come here to vent and have someone respond with genuine responses to what sometimes seems to be a hopeless cause?
I'm here to share a little story about second and third chances...truth of the matter is they don't seem to work out and the 5% likelihood probably even smaller.
What I have learned to do and what I can share with all of you that are going through the same heartache is:
Process your emotions let yourself feel the pain and let go. Most importantly try to think logically about what happened.
Right now your emotions are raw and you feel like you will never love again and this person was the one, etc – it’s an illusion. If he/she was really the one would you be going through this?
My Story:
It's been 2 weeks since my ex and I moved on…
Long distance relationships are tough and this one got progressively tougher. Through our 1+ yr relationship we saw each other infrequently and during this time I ended the relationship twice because I wasn’t getting the full commitment from her. I’m 34 she is 27, I want the wife and kids and she doesn’t see herself married much less with children. Our relationship was driven by emotion and very true feelings. We loved each other immensily, we got along great, rarely disagreed on issues but apparently that’s not good enough.
We got back together the last time with the understanding that she would eventually move back home to be closer to her friends and family. Despite the marriage issue I would have moved back East for this woman and given up on what I want. BAD, BAD, BAD! Maybe my lesson once again is to not lose my sense of self. I also may very well have resented her for this in the future.
So now were back together everything is fine and she is in the process of finding a job and I just keeop telling myself (accepting responsibility) that I got back into it knowing full well that we would never ultimately be together. My birthday rolls around and we decide to take a trip to Maui. Yes, one of the most romantic places on earth to end a relationship! Outside of some emotional moments the trip was unforgettable. I know, I know, how the hell can you go to one of the most romantic places on earth, come home and just walk away from everything we had?!
So we come back on a Teusday spend one more night together and the next morning I drop her off at the airport. We break down in each others arms and we say our last goodbye.
I decided, for my own sanity, despite her wishes to keep communicating, that we need to let go and move on.
I must admit that although sad I'm completely at peace with what happened. I know we care(d) immmensily for each other but wanted different things out of life and I realize that I did everything I could do to make it work but it just wasn’t meant to be. What’s odd is that this is the very first breakup where there were/are no ill feelings, no animosity, and no anger - the hurt of losing someone is expected. One lesson I learned about love is if you really care about someone you want them to be happy regardless of whether they are with or without you.
So, to recap...
Don't lose sight of the lesson learned. Process the pain, let it be part of you but don't let it consume you. It's okay to feel...get in touch with old friends, go to the gym, buy a new car/motorcycle, pick a new hobby. It's time to get reaquainted with you and to find things that really matter to YOU. I'm personally pursuing an MBA degree which undoubtedly will get my attention focused toward something positive.
I know it's easier said than done but time is the great healer. One day you'll wake up and the pain will be gone but until then read Jarbs 12 steps, they will help.
Good luck to all | |
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| need advice
Posted: 5/26/2007 9:04:58 AM | | so i followed your advice to a tee. i was in a long distance relationship until about a month ago. i was seeing this girl for about a year, and she decided that i wasn't strong enough for her. before she decided this she went back and forth breaking up with me. about a month ago she called me up (after we didn't talk for a week) saying about how she loved me and missed me and didn't want to break up. two days later she broke up with me. the day she broke up with me, i told her that i can't keep going back and forth and she has to make it clear that were not seeing each other anymore. she said we were done, and after that i said ok. before our conversation ended, she was saying how sad she was, and that she missed me, loved me, and still wants to see me..i live in the US, and she lives in Thailand. originally i was supposed to meet her in june for my birthday. i still have my tickets to go out there, and i still want to be with her. i waited for a month to get in contact with her. after she broke up with me i told her that i would talk to her later...i made no contact what so ever for a month. i called her yesterday after waiting for a month, and she seemed very happy that i called. i asked her about how she's been and what she's been up to. she replied that she hasn't been doing much. we talked for about 15 minutes and when we talked it seemed like we were dating again. i made no mention about visiting her in thailand though. i'm leaving for thailand in about three weeks and i want to see her. should i be cautious about opening up to her again?? should i have asked her to meet when i called initially?? or should i wait alittle longer to call again and then ask to see if she wants to hang out?? any advice would be appreciated. thanks | |
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| need advice
Posted: 5/26/2007 9:48:04 AM | I'm in no position to offer advise, I'm afraid. Each situation is unique.
Read through as many pages as you can.
I'll quote Jarbarian from the first page: "it is more likely for men to come back to women than women to come back to men.
The simple reason for that is women tend to take their time and come to the conclusion to end the relationship with men after much, much thought. Men to do it off the cuff without thinking things through and as such, are more likely to admit they made a mistake.
Women have a much stronger support structure than men. Women have friends that validate their decision. Men don't tend to talk about relationships to the degree women do. That's another reason women tend to stick to their decisions.
Women usually tend to come back to men having been dumped, not the dumper. (thrill of the chase, folks!)
When women are the dumper, odds are they are satisfied with their decision."
I believe he was saying the odds were 5% that it could work again. They SAY that LDR's have a hard time working in the best of situations, and yours was only done over the course of a year. ???
All the best no matter what happens. | |
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| need advice
Posted: 5/26/2007 10:13:05 AM | i hope that 5% applies to me.
LDR are tough cuz, trust is a part of it. i was down in thailand last december, and we had so much fun. i met her family, and our chemistry was perfect. nothing last forever i guess
right now i'm preparing myself to move on..i try not to think about her, and i keep telling myself that she has somebody new. i know there lots of people out there. she meant alot to me and she still does. nothing ever stays the same, and i hope this experience will make me a stronger person. break ups are never fun and i agree working on myself is very important for when i meet the next person. i'm going to wait a bit and call her again before i go. i would like to see her again one last time if it is really the last time. | |
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| flowers
Posted: 5/28/2007 10:52:01 AM | | would sending flowers be ok, after a month of no contact be ok to let her know i miss her.... | |
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| flowers
Posted: 5/28/2007 12:12:04 PM | Uggghhh ... I'm NO expert! I wish Jarb were still here ...
Just reading the 'rules' The very first rule:
"1. LET GO: Yes, I said LET GO. No matter how much you love and care for your ex, as long as you stay attached to them and are hoping/praying for a second chance, you will not follow the rest of the guideline and heal completely unless you first truly let go. The reason for this is allow your heart to heal, to focus on self-reflection and improvement and to get your mind and body in a state of happiness. No second chance will work if you are still pining and miserable over losing your ex.
2. NO CONTACT: That means exactly what it says. For the first month or two, you must never contact your ex under any circumstances. If you do, you will have to start the process over again. That means no emails/text/drunk dialing, etc"
I'm going to guess you've broken the first two rules. ??? Yes, it does say a month ... or two.
Did you read the WHOLE thread? | |
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| flowers
Posted: 5/28/2007 1:03:51 PM | | i did read the whole thread...what happend to Jarb?? anyways this thread doesn't take into account of cultural backgrounds. what might be acceptable in western countries might not work for the far east. in my situation i think she may have broken up cuz i vocalized my intentions of breaking up before she thought about it. this may have prompted her to do it first, knowing deep down she didn't want to do it. anyways thanks for the help:P | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/31/2007 11:38:42 AM | I dont do second chances, I find that if it didnt work in the first place then it wont work a second time around. But thats just my personal experience and opinion.
So what others want to do is up to them.  | |
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| flowers
Posted: 6/5/2007 9:56:10 AM | Yes, I wish Jarb was still around too.
Rule no. 1 & 2 are key in the healing process but it's difficult to let go especially when you've shared so much.
Not sure if anyone read my recent post above but I was fine until today when she contacted me...
Her and I shared the same job in different territories and she called me because she found out that I may be moving to Denver to take over her old region and was afraid my respect for her would be tarnished after meeting with my new clients/her old clients. I mentioned that this was not a concern of mine and despite what people say there is always two sides to a story...
During our conversation she mentioned her new job, etc. She also mentioned that she is not happy about what she had to do (move back east to be closer to family and friends and let me go).
Up till this point the no contact rule was doing wonders for me and I was getting over it and now I feel like I'm back at square one. I told her that I respect her for knowing what she wants and being able to move on. I wrote her a few really sweet and definitive text messages after our conversation asking her to please respect my wishes and to not contact me and let me move on with my life but now I wish more than ever that she would say I still want to be with you and my love for you transcends all but truth of the matter it does not so...
I'm somewhat dissapointed in her for even contacting me when I have been asking her from the get go that she needs to let me move on. Strangely I want to move on but subconsiously I want to hang on but I know I should not as this is it.
Any of you guys have similar situations and or advice?
Signed,
moving on | |
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