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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 7/21/2007 11:29:14 AM | I would like a second chance. I broke up with him over email. Now I wish I hadn't. I wish I had called him instead, but I did what I thought was right at the time. I know we cared about each other, I know he has a rocky past, I know he has a lot of things he wants to take care of in his life, and I know he wants to get his life back on track. But I got frustrated waiting, not knowing if I would hear from him or see him. Not knowing if he really was into me or just stringing me along.
But now I wish I had talked to him. Maybe we would have been able to resolve some of my concerns. Maybe we would still be seeing each other. I can't see into the future, but I think I did the wrong thing and now I'm wishing I hadn't.
I am trying to find ways to approach him, that won't result in my heart being hurt anymore than it is, but I'm not having much luck. I would like to talk to him. I'm just afraid he won't want to talk with me.
You offer some great advice here. I think it has helped a lot of people.
Thanks... | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 7/24/2007 9:33:59 AM | part of this is so true, is been almost two months for me and after eight years it been hard.Then silly me went and had some pics.dev.wrong move on my part. I saw these pics of course the tears came ,once again.
Then i broke a rule i call him to see if he wanted any pics WELL! he told me to put then in the trash. So it dont paid to call because your feelings will get hurt.
But i do belive in what come around go around. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 7/24/2007 9:38:40 AM | I broke up with him over email.or over the phone.
if i can give some advice dont break up with someone this way unless you have no choice like being a as..... Like my ex was that how he broke up with me not facing me. be adult it that will be the last thing they will think of you. Not being some highschool person | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 7/24/2007 10:35:39 AM |
After three years in limbo - I put a stop to it ..... I killed it. She busted the marriage but - I killed the contact.
I did a lot more than just kill the contact. I also worked hard on my nOOdle - rebuilding my confidence/esteem/pride - but killing the contact was the start of me switching my focus from her to me. Be making the choice to put the focus on me - I was wide awake to all the personal development / self help I did.
I “fixed” myself and I was about as deep in that horrible hole that anyone could be. I had to get over a double hit. Eighteen months after I got the surprise dump - my only real contact in the world (my mom) died. So for 18 months I had her to help me then she was gone. From ok to gone in six weeks. Then I had NO ONE ...... I did it and I did it all by myself.
Sounds like we walked along much the same path here, Ron.
That's the only way you CAN do it. Until you want to use that key that you've always had in your hand to unlock your chains that YOU have placed on yourself - it won't ever happen.
When my ex called that last time, the call lasted seventeen seconds before I terminated it. 
I'd done a lot of work on getting my act together, and I needed solitude to concentrate on ME. After a seventeen year marriage, it took one month to start dating (with broken wings) , and perhaps six to really start to heal .
About a year after that, when she phoned, it was the ultimate litmus test on my progress. I had told her not to call me ever again, and when that call came (out of the blue) my reaction was one of total indifference towards the call.
No hate , or dislike, towards her at all. If you still feel those things, then it's a sign you haven't let go of the past yet.
My meter was totally zeroed, and she had returned to being just like any other woman walking down the street, and nothing more (or less) .
After I had hung up with her , I felt as if I'd graduated.  | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 8/5/2007 8:06:37 AM | Thanks for the advice I have a problem not sure what to do me and my x were together for almost 3 years and got engaged when we broke up she wanted to remain friends and still needs my help I am deeply in love with her but she no longer loves me but she wants to remain friends and call from time to time she even calls me still at night to say goodnight I pay for a cell phone for that I gave her when we first met I still have all the utilities on in my name because she cant get anything turned on in her name she is on welfare and has kids and seem to always need money for food and gas she wont come straight out and ask for it but she says things indirectly that make me feel I have to help her you see she lived in RI when I met her and I moved in with her then I helped her move to MA with me and now I feel responsible for her and her kids and I keep thinking if I dont help her then she would find help from another man am I wrong for wanting to help her in this way am I making things worst I think I am because I think she is seeing someone and wont tell me so our conversations get messy sometimes and I keep thinking she will take me back if I am kind to her but I am very sad everyday and crying a lot she says she will never love me again but she will always love me as a friend I feel like I am being used I cant let go and heal unless I cut her out of my life completely but I dont know how.
Thanks so much | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 8/12/2007 9:50:29 AM | I have found this site very interesting. I am working on letting go but it is so difficult. I was curious what some think of my situation. My ex and I had been together 6 years. I am 26 now and he is about to be 25. He broke up with me in May and I went home for 3 months. Came back found an apartment and moved my stuff out. I am trying to finish grad. school Ever since he broke up with me he has called or text about once a week or more. I have told him twice to stop. He has already slept with three different people and keeps telling me that he wants to be friends. I have told him no that we cannot be friends. He also tells me that this was the hardest thing he has ever had to do and there have been times that he was close to buying me a ring. I cannot place everything on him, I have called a couple of times sometimes we just argue sometimes it is okay.
His reason for breaking up was that he wants to be single right now and needs some times and space. He tells all the time how much he cares for me.
Just wondering what others thought because it has been 3 months and still cannot get past step one.
Kara | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 8/12/2007 1:59:38 PM | Kara, u have to stop taking the phone calls. You also have to stop calling. That is the first step. 3 months is not a long time, healing yourself can take a very long time. Sounds like he is giving u false hope by telling u he still cares. If there is one thing i have learned it is judge people by their actions not by their words.
I have been struggling to let go of a relationship that was over three years ago. we hadnt spoke for two years, he then called one day wanting to be friends. We stayed friends for a year, then guess what? He pulled the old Houdini. Now im right back to square one. This time ive decided, i will let him go, cause it hurts too much to want someone who just doesnt want you also.
Dont waste your time as i have, Let him go. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 8/12/2007 2:56:12 PM |
(Msg 1056) Just wondering what others thought because it has been 3 months and still cannot get past step one.
Hi Kara. My suggestion is start by changing your profile to seeking friends or dating and fill in the blanks. Contrary to popular opinion I do not accede to the idea one should sit at home and figure out what went wrong when a relationship ends. In any case, you already know. "His reason for breaking up was that he wants to be single right now and needs some times and space."
When a relationship ends we lose more than just a lover. The things we did as a couple, whether going to a movie or a club, changes. We lose an activity partner. We lose someone to hang around with. The loss affects more than just the bedroom.
I know it's not PC to compare people to cars but let's use that as an example. One has their car stolen. They loved their car. They had spent lots of money customizing it. The insurance will only pay book value, not what it was really worth. So, the person has no car.
Do they refuse to get another one because they can't get one that was the same as the one they had? Would anyone suggest the person take their time replacing the car and until then they should stand in the rain waiting for buses and grieve the loss of their car and think about what they could have done differently so they won't have their next car stolen? Well, waiting to date and being without a partner makes about as much sense.
Just as the person standing in the rain waiting for the bus is continually suffering from the loss of their car you will continually suffer until you replace your loss. It doesn't have to be the love of your life. Just someone to go out with. Casually dating. Someone to go to the club with. Someone to go to a movie with. Someone to share activities you used to share with your boyfriend.
I started dating immediately (a couple of weeks) after my 13 year marriage ended and I never looked back. I didn't need time to figure out what went wrong. Who doesn't know what went wrong when a relationship end? They were there! 
As for your boyfriend needing space people who love each other do not split because they need space. Your boyfriend is not interested in being with you. It's that simple. Even if you succeed in getting him back he will leave again or run around on you. No one is worth chasing. Absolutely no one. Either they come willingly or you find someone who will.
At 26, you shouldn't have a problem finding suitors. Get out there and start living life. Your Ex will quickly become a faded memory. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 8/12/2007 4:24:19 PM | Thank you guys for the suggestions. I live in a small town so it is a little hard to date. Not much out there. But I do have friends here and grad. school will keep me busy, I am hoping to graduate this semester.
But you are right. Part of the reason it is hard to let go is because we did so much together. We even moved across the country together. We were together in Atlanta for three years and then moved to New Mexico together and have lived together for 3 years here. Everyone is also telling me to remember the bad things, is that very healthy though?
I like the car example it makes a lot of sense because part of what I am feeling right now is, if I cannot be with him then I don't want to be with anyone. Which I know is pretty stupid. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 8/13/2007 1:49:01 AM | Definitely one of the best bits of advice i have ever read. I know I have been having difficulty letting go of my ex g/f. She has made it clear to leave her alone and after reading this, I totally understand why. I know i love her and probably always will, and like evryone I know has told me, "if it was meant to be she will come back if you set her free!!"
And I would definitely say after reading this and hearing that numerous times, time will tell if its true. But i guess for the time being, taking care of number one is pretty much the most important thing rite now. | |
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| Wow, you are pretty good.....
Posted: 8/13/2007 4:19:16 AM | Wow wow, I started reading this topic and when I saw the many pages I decided to jump to the last one. To my surprise I found myself reading disputes. Pity.
In any case, and going back to the origins of this, I want to say that the concepts of second chances and how they can work are really good. They say that first time is the best opportunity. I tend to agree with that, only, if we go for a second chance after having done lots of 'homework', sometimes a second chance can be more successful and gratifying than the first one.
Besides that, by my practical experience, most of my second chances were a disaster. I agree mostly that when it is the woman who ends the relationship, chances to re engage are slimmer, and when they happen, 'her' levels of tolerance are lower.
But hey! sometimes we need more than one go to something to comprehend in mind and heart that it is not what we really want.
Crazy human beings we are,,, we fight so hard sometimes for 'things' we never really wanted in the first place.
Ok, thank you for lots of good concepts.
bye
B | |
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| Wow, you are pretty good.....
Posted: 8/13/2007 8:06:59 AM | Well Dave you are right. I e-mailed this guy that asked me out a year ago but I said no because I was with someone. Now I am excited about him and hopes that he will respond and say yes to my offer of coffee or something. Wish me luck. I also called a guy that I flirted with a lot but nothing ever happened because I was with the ex. It was really great to talk to him and he said he was going to come down and see me as soon as he could (he lives about five hours away). I don't know if anything will happen but he would be one of those great people to hang out with and do the same things my ex and I were doing(dinner, movies, etc).
K | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 8/28/2007 7:28:26 AM | Amazing advice, and i am following it as we speak.
I freely admit that it is hard keeping to the rules.
My story is i was in a relationship for a year with a great guy. No fights, no drama, we were ourselves, we could just simply be. One morning he told me he loved me as he usually does, then suddenly , no notice anything said he wanted to finsih.
up to the very morning said that he wanted to spend the rest of your life with me.
The answer i got was that i was not 'the one' however up to the morning i was.
nevertheless i have used your guide and it is working. The NC is hard cos there is so much i need answers for and want to say, but i have stuck to it.
I am at a loss as to why, (however he did give several excuses, ie like a friend, like a sister, not the one) at the end of which informed me that he may be making the biggest mistake of his life breaking up but he had to do it for himself.
folks........... use the advice. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 8/28/2007 4:38:10 PM | Wow this is a long thread. I hope it doesnt get lost in the shuffle, as I would really appreciate a response!
Not to unload all my problem on you, I am just having a really hard time. My boyfriend was 19 and im 23, we went in a class and we found out we lived right down the block from eachother. For the first month it was perfect, i actually thought oh my, so THIS is how a relationship is supposed to be! Well after a month and a half of dating he got mad at me when I "overreacted" when he didnt call when he was supposed to. I apologized the next day thinking, it was just a little fight but he was mad I didnt take his first apology. I just didnt want him thinking everytime he messes up he says sorry baby and he'll do it again. Well I really screwed myself and he stopped talking to me not calling me back, etc. I thought that he was taking it alittle too far, and I cant stop blaming myself like "if i just didnt say anything that night, we'd be going to see a movie tonight" or something. His little anger flare ups happened once or twice and alot more intense and angry but we always got over it. But this small fight ruined everything which i dont understand. Anyway, i was thinking it was because he's going back to school to finish up (at a community college right down the road) and maybe he was feeling pressured because hes so far behind me (with schooling, having a job) and wants to concentrate on that? I dont know, i just dont understand how it could have been so great then one comment gets blown up. I dont know what to do, its getting alittle better day by day (its been about a week) but I still wake up anxious and i miss him so much. Him living down the block doesnt help either. Im trying hard to not contact him altho in my haste i did the other day and called him immature, he agreed with me but that was the end of it.
Any suggestions? advice? insights? | |
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M.I.
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Joined: 2/2/2007
Msg: 1066 | |
| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 9/21/2007 10:45:14 PM | | Go back and re-read the steps. Start over. It may take a couple tries but stick with it!!! | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 12/19/2007 8:05:50 PM | Jabarian --Lots of great advise -followed your guide to a T at least to the best of my ability (albiet there was some variation on my part) In addition i found your advise extremely helpful especially during the grieving process--In the end, she never came back but the info provided here gave me an opportunity to heal while at the same time do a personal inventory.I have printed out your list and look at it from time to time .
Being dumped is shitty but your advise has helped me "move on" while continuing to perservere--Thank You--Dana | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 12/19/2007 8:07:45 PM | Jabarian --Lots of great advise -followed your guide to a T at least to the best of my ability (albiet there was some variation on my part) In addition i found your advise extremely helpful especially during the grieving process--In the end, she never came back but the info provided here gave me an opportunity to heal while at the same time do a personal inventory.I have printed out your list and look at it from time to time .
Being dumped is shitty but your advise has helped me "move on" while continuing to perservere--Thank You--Dana | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 12/19/2007 8:12:19 PM | Excellent!!! l am a professional and have councelled people and l must say, you have done your research and the advice you give is right on.
take care
aprilwine | |
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tdc63
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Joined: 12/8/2007
Msg: 1070 | |
| Wow, you are pretty good.....
Posted: 12/19/2007 8:40:05 PM | OMG what a soap opera this thread is with certain posts.
The initial post is good so why flog it with all the negativity???
Leave well enough alone and let the thread stand for what it is......A good slice of reality and advice and from somebody who is going through that same situation, the advice is DAM good and better than what SOME folks may THINK it is Kudos to you my friend and if anybody has visited forums on relationships and trying to regain that lost love then you will know that what is mentioned is pretty much standard and very good advice    | |
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| Wow, you are pretty good.....
Posted: 12/22/2007 4:26:52 PM | | The first OP of this thread was so good I just wanted to add to it and bring it up to the top of the list again. Does anyone know what happened to the orginal poster, jarbarian? | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 1/21/2008 3:04:03 PM | Sad
I tripped over this thread looking for second chance (actually THIRD! sigh) advice. And you should all just be ashamed. | |
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| Wow, you are pretty good.....
Posted: 4/23/2008 10:27:27 PM |
The first OP of this thread was so good I just wanted to add to it and bring it up to the top of the list again. Does anyone know what happened to the orginal poster, jarbarian?
He still lurks occasionally ;) | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 4/24/2008 11:12:40 PM | | What's wrong with giving someone a second chance? There are many times when we all are doing "bad" stuff in our lives. Sometimes our fears get the best of us and we end up saying/doing stuff we really don't mean in an attempt to fight those fears. Do you think it "right" to hold a "bad" circumstance over someone's head the rest of their life in order for you to attempt to escape a relationship with little emotional hurt as possible by labeling the other as the "bad" person? The very event you see is often a reaction to something YOU said or done yourself earlier, perhaps many times, and you are just now seeing the effect of it. And often too, situations is not always what they appear to be at first glance. It's so easy to lay the blame of it at someone else's feet to relieve yourself of taking responsibility for your own actions just so you can have an illusion of your "innocence" to help you sleep better at night. There are people out there that have it down to an art. They go in a relationship basing the new relationship on past relationships, usually "failed" relationships. Then spend their whole time looking for reasons that will justify their belief that it will turn out the same, even if they have to create a reason themselves and lie about it, just as long as they can go "AHA It's the same as the last one. I knew it..." So they run from the relationship, often blaming most, if not all, the "bad" stuff on the other person. And spend quite a few relationships, if not a whole lifetime or two of them, doing this until they wake up and accept that they are truly the cause of all the "good" and "bad" stuff that happens in their lives. There are truly no victims here, only those who pretend to play the victim dramas because they cannot face themselves in the mirror... | |
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