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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 4/25/2008 8:33:59 PM | What's wrong with giving someone a second chance?
The time you waste on someone who doesn't want to be with you may be the time you would have spent giving someone a FIRST chance, who might end up being the one you spend the rest of your life with.
Under certain circumstances, second chances can work out. There's a guy I work with that is reconnecting with his first love, 20 years later. This is a very unusual situation. She didn't wait 20 years for him, nor did he wait 20 years for her. It's just, 20 years later, their lives crossed paths again. My point here is that they moved on, married other people, had kids with other people, etc....
I don't see not giving someone a second chance as being somehow "mean" to them. In fact, I think it's downright mean to YOURSELF to constantly chase someone who doesn't want to be with you.
Your ex isn't suffering.
You are.
Cheers. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 4/26/2008 8:22:31 PM |
The time you waste on someone who doesn't want to be with you may be the time you would have spent giving someone a FIRST chance, who might end up being the one you spend the rest of your life with.
Was intending on people actually trying to make a relationship work out because all people have their times when they were "bad" that they regret. And many people these days, it's like if there's even a hint of something "bad" going on in the relationship, sometimes even making up such events, to escape the relationship to blame the other person for it "failing" when some of the responsibility of the "failure" was on the one that ran out the door. So often these days parents, schools, relgion, etc. have lead many to believe that everything is always someone else's fault or responsibility. Some of the things blamed are television, music, video games, etc. So many can't help to continue to play their victim of life drama because they grew up believing that it was everyone else's fault but their own... | |
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| Wow, you are pretty good.....
Posted: 4/26/2008 8:50:11 PM | My friend just had a fall out with her boy friend in here whom she was dating and knew for a long time say 6months. First of all he talk alot about the women in here he met and even mention to her that a couple of them said that they would wait if things didn't work out with him and my friend. Now my friend is very honest, decent ,faithful and true to her mate. But since the day he told her about the two women and even gave her the names of the two women. He even met them . well she didn't feel she could trust him anymore even tho she care for him so much , she loved him. but she found the phone number of the other woman in his cell phone and that did it, she decided it was time to leave .. you see she had a gut feeling all along. I guess the phone number made her decide what was best for her. I know she is in pain . I have ask to meet her as a friend for she knows me by email and phone tho we never met yet. She knows I care about her well being. She is a very special lady she is a giving compassionate honest and is a healer . What do you think this guys' game was with my friend? he said he loved her but yet he had that woman's number and he defends the other woman as apposes to my friend who happen to be his girlfriend at the time. I want to help her what do you advise me? hate to see her hurting. Help Robert  | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 4/26/2008 8:57:44 PM | Great Post!
I think this is the most helpful advice anyone can get who is going through a break up.
I have gone through a recent break up and have followed a lot of the above advice. It is a difficult thing to do at times. Keeping busy is just a temporary distraction. It's is true what they say "Be patient! Time Heals" You're thoughts will eventually change. There is only one you! Be good to yourself, love who you are and eventually someone will love you too!
Keep smiling !
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| Wow, you are pretty good.....
Posted: 4/26/2008 10:34:09 PM |
My friend just had a fall out with her boy friend in here whom she was dating and knew for a long time say 6months. First of all he talk alot about the women in here he met and even mention to her that a couple of them said that they would wait if things didn't work out with him and my friend. Now my friend is very honest, decent ,faithful and true to her mate. But since the day he told her about the two women and even gave her the names of the two women. He even met them . well she didn't feel she could trust him anymore even tho she care for him so much , she loved him. but she found the phone number of the other woman in his cell phone and that did it, she decided it was time to leave .. you see she had a gut feeling all along. I guess the phone number made her decide what was best for her. I know she is in pain . I have ask to meet her as a friend for she knows me by email and phone tho we never met yet. She knows I care about her well being. She is a very special lady she is a giving compassionate honest and is a healer . What do you think this guys' game was with my friend? he said he loved her but yet he had that woman's number and he defends the other woman as apposes to my friend who happen to be his girlfriend at the time. I want to help her what do you advise me? hate to see her hurting. Help Robert
First off, was it truly a "gut feeling" she had or did she go into the relationship with an expectation like the guy would end up cheating on her like a last relationship? Because if you notice, our beliefs about a person wheather "good" or "bad" tend to help bring out those very beliefs in their thoughts/words/actions. It takes a good deal of courage to stand up to people, yet a great deal more to stand up to our friends to ask and admit stuff. There may be part of it she isn't telling you for one reason or another. There is always another side to the story, and no one is completely innocent in a relationship. It takes 2 to make and break a relationship, though few have the courage to take responsibility for their own words/actions.... many usually end up blaming it all on the other person and playing the victim of life game. So just set her down one-on-one and talk with her. Most often people will tell more one-on-one than if there are more in the room... | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 4/26/2008 11:03:54 PM |
Was intending on people actually trying to make a relationship work out because all people have their times when they were "bad" that they regret. And many people these days, it's like if there's even a hint of something "bad" going on in the relationship, sometimes even making up such events, to escape the relationship to blame the other person for it "failing" when some of the responsibility of the "failure" was on the one that ran out the door. So often these days parents, schools, relgion, etc. have lead many to believe that everything is always someone else's fault or responsibility. Some of the things blamed are television, music, video games, etc. So many can't help to continue to play their victim of life drama because they grew up believing that it was everyone else's fault but their own...
Every situation is different. My point is simply that if someone doesn't want to be with you, there could be no greater waste of time than chasing them. It's akin to beating your head against the wall.
Both accomplish the same thing. | |
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| Wow, you are pretty good.....
Posted: 4/27/2008 3:44:25 PM | Thank you Evenor : Don't know weather I made myself clear that she didn't have a gut feeling from the start they were very happy till he started talking about women on the website and he mention to her that he had women waiting on him if things didn't work for them. That is when she got the sickly gut feeling. She didn't want to discredit the guy and say he had mental problems either, he was taking medication for depression. He has Post trauma D. amount other things that he didn't tell her till she found out . She being a professional in the health field ,knowing about the medications and what they are taken for she ask him , did you take your meds ? He said no , not in over a week or so. She then knew why he got moody depress aggressive and bipolar. That is one of the reason she also felt she had to leave him . Many emotional people are in here with sickness, taking anti-depressives , depressives medications , we are unaware of this till we ask them. We must ask and find out before we take the next step into the relationship. This medications they take are strong and should be taken on regular basics . For them not to hurt kill or hurt themselves and when not taken they have consequences we paid a high price for it. Look at what teenagers are doing when they don't take their medications , grown men and women they go on a shoot out! Sure she give out his name? She being a professional and a confidentiality person because of her work feels it's private. So do be careful. Robert  | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 4/28/2008 12:22:52 PM | Jarbarian
Your advice is great. That's always been my process with dealing with breakups (no contact), but I have to say that even when I've been dumped I've always had the ex come back and try for another chance - probably because I cut off all contact and get on with my life.
Which isn't to say it's a good idea getting back together, but I can vouch that Jarbarians advice has always worked for me to the point that I've always had an opportunity to be with an ex again (though rarely taken it)
Noor | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 4/28/2008 10:39:35 PM |
Jarbarian
Your advice is great. That's always been my process with dealing with breakups (no contact), but I have to say that even when I've been dumped I've always had the ex come back and try for another chance - probably because I cut off all contact and get on with my life.
Which isn't to say it's a good idea getting back together, but I can vouch that Jarbarians advice has always worked for me to the point that I've always had an opportunity to be with an ex again (though rarely taken it)
Noor
Smart man you are, Noor.
Yes, exs will always come sniffing around when they sense you are moving on without them. They like knowing that -- at the snap of a finger -- you'll come running back to them. When they lose that power, they panic and come around again. But not to stay, just to get another rush of that self confidence you give them (when you give an ex your time) and to destroy YOUR self confidence.
IMHO, unless an ex comes back on their hands and knees begging forgiveness, I wouldn't listen to a darn word they had to say.
And even then, that doesn't mean we SHOULD take them back. If you don't think of yourself as a prize worth obtaining, why would you think your ex would think the same of you?
My point is, for others to love and respect you, you must first love and respect yourself.
Cheers. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 4/28/2008 11:20:02 PM | | what about going to jail because your ex has a drinking problem? I went back because I love her and her daughter...things didn't get better but I know her from before she became a drunk...and that is the woman I love.Went back to jail a second time for wanting to give her daughter a Valentine's giift.It is hard to stop loving someone ...just because they have a problem.any advice might help | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 4/29/2008 5:05:27 PM |
what about going to jail because your ex has a drinking problem? I went back because I love her and her daughter...things didn't get better but I know her from before she became a drunk...and that is the woman I love.Went back to jail a second time for wanting to give her daughter a Valentine's giift.It is hard to stop loving someone ...just because they have a problem.any advice might help
Who went to jail and for what reason? | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/5/2008 11:44:27 AM |
Yes, exs will always come sniffing around when they sense you are moving on without them. They like knowing that -- at the snap of a finger -- you'll come running back to them. When they lose that power, they panic and come around again. But not to stay, just to get another rush of that self confidence you give them (when you give an ex your time) and to destroy YOUR self confidence.
The corollary to that is that they will often start calling "as friends" because they want to be a part of your life - those are probably the hardest to resist. BUT if you want them back, that's exactly when you have to keep them cut off until they admit they want to be with you or they can just leave you alone whilst you move on. In other words, they can't take a back door into your life - you're worth being with, and if they want that, they better have the courage to admit it or it's not worth the effort
Goodguy, why did you go to jail???
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/6/2008 2:41:32 PM | | Couldn't not post a reply tit this. Great thread with sound advice. I'm just ending a 13 year marriage with three kids. We've been to hell and back with each other. The divorce was her idea and she now has a new b/f who ironically has qualities similar to mine. NC for me is an impossibility, and in fact we talk everyday. I'd be lying if I said I was not in love with her and we've been apart for almost five months now. But I told her very clearly I wanted to try to save the relationship, but knew I was the only one who did. I told her as being the "left" person, that any attempt to reconcile was going to have to be made on her part. I have dedicated to myself at least one year without any relationships so I can begin the process of improving myself and regaining the confidence I have lost. Just because you were rejected, doesn't make you a reject. Every conversation we have usually relates to the kids and if the past comes up I listen, agree or disagree, politely and carry on. I don't know why she left or what she expects to find that she wasn't able to find with me, but I don't care. My focus will be on myself and my kids. I think hope is ok, but at this point I define that by saying "i'm moving forward, and I HOPE she catches up!". | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/7/2008 1:50:55 PM | Ekimnod3
Sorry man, I know that has to be tough. Having something still between the two of you (kids) makes no contact impossible, but you're doing the right thing by keeping the conversations formal and just about the kids.
the break sounds like an great idea - it gives you a chance to heal and enough time to figure out what you want in the next relationship.
good luck! | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/7/2008 3:30:21 PM | | Thanks for the support and encouragement. I don't even think she knows what she wants which in a way is kinda sad. But getting over the "doomat syndrome" is probably the best thing I can do for myself. Life is too short, and even though it doesn't have to be as complicated as she is making it, Thats nothing I can control! Excuse me, I need to go find my self respect and confidence now. Later | |
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| Wow, you are pretty good.....
Posted: 5/12/2008 11:17:53 AM | | i'm on the no contact stage with someone as of today. its new and ok so far but then i have been withdrawing for a few weeks/ months now. wish me strength to remain strong in mind and heart and body. it IS the right thing for me to do for him as well as for me but i can honestly say, i will never love someone as deeply, fiercely and strongly as i do him :( | |
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| Wow, you are pretty good.....
Posted: 5/13/2008 10:13:49 PM |
i can honestly say, i will never love someone as deeply, fiercely and strongly as i do him :(
You think that now, but time (and healing) always proves us wrong.
One day you will look back and him and think "What did I ever see in that guy?"
Guaranteed. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/13/2008 10:20:10 PM | I COMMEND THE AUTHOR OF THIS POST. THIS IS WRITTEN AS A PROFESSIONAL WRITER WOULD WRITE. THE RESEARCH IS EXCELLENT.
KEEP WRITING. YOU ARE DARN GOOD AT IT. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/18/2008 4:33:59 PM | I met this person while I was attending a party for work. I thought he lived in my area but found out he was from out of state. We talked and I said my goodbyes. As I was leaving he said to me he would like to know if I would give him my number. I told him I was in a middle of a separation and heading for divorce and I didn't feel it was the time. He told me that he would just like to talk and he didn't see any harm in this. I agreed and gave him my cell number. While I was on my way home, he already called me. This started a 6 year relationship off and on. I considered him a very good friend mostly since we lived far apart and only got to see each other when we could. Our jobs mostly kept us apart. Anyway, we would see each other as much as we could. I fell for him bad. I never knew this type of feeling in my life except for the birth of my child. I fell for him. I fell hard and he had my heart. He still does and always will. We would talk about if we only knew each other in our teens or 20's everything would have been the first with us. First kiss, date, engagement, marriage, children, etc. He told me that if anyone would ask him to describe the perfect woman for him, it would be me.
As I was going through my divorce, he use to ask me questions as to why I stayed with him for a long as I did and why I didn't do this or that. I was married to a drug addict and I was also raising his children since his first wife passed away. He would always make me feel like I did wrong but my husband was a good man but just had a very bad habit. I tired and tried to make our marriage work and even went to counseling with him and watch him go away for awhile. We both knew our marriage was over but I didn't have any hatred but knew it would never work out and we both shared a child together.
When this man came to my apartment where I was living after I moved out of my home. One day I was making breakfast for us. He sorta got really quite. When I ask what the problem was he went off on me stating he didn't understand why I stayed with my ex for as long as I did and he had a major problem with that. So the fighting started. He didn't say anything the rest of the day and I ask if he would like to leave to go home. I told him I would drive him to the airport and he said NO. Came that Monday, when he was leaving I said I'm not going to see you anymore. He kissed me and told me not to worry and things were fine. I didn't hear from him for almost 7 months. I didn't keep in contact because my ex got sick and passed away before the divorce was final.
One day, I picked up the phone and call him and we started talking. He said he always thought about me and at times would have a smile on his face over something stupid I said. I love this man. I truly did. He said he knew my feelings were deep and that I'll always care deeply for him. So we picked up where we left off. I begged him please to hurt me this time because I could not take it mentally. He swore I had nothing to worry about.
About six months ago we started talking about planning our life together. Me moving out there and see how it would go. Then again, he would bring up the past about my ex and why I stayed and if I decide to make a go with him he didn't want my child to be around her step-sisters and before anything goes down he wanted me to get rid of all things my ex gave me in the past. My wedding rings, all jewelry, clothing, etc. I was totally stunned by this. I thought this man is sick! So we fought. I just said ok, let's end it. Again, he told me no. So after a couple of weeks went by and all was going well, out of the blue he stated that I was right and things aren't the same and it's over. Now he is telling me this while, I'm in the middle of getting things ready to leave my job, apartment, you name it.
I'm devastated. I tried to call him, email him. I wanted answers. He won't talk to me. I ask if we could remain friends at least. Nothing. Then about 4 weeks ago, he called just to see how I was doing and stated, he would call me real soon and that he knows deep in my heart I'll always love him and my feelings for him will never change.
I feel like a fool for contacting him so many times because of the hurt. I can't sleep, eat, I've giving up on everything in life. I have no desire to do anything but just sit and go into myself more. I wish I had what your wrote. Do you think this person will ever call again? Am I just setting myself up for another left down? I just can't get him out of my head and heart.
I would love to hear what you have to say about this. I'm very messed up. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/18/2008 5:27:47 PM | """"I feel like a fool for contacting him so many times because of the hurt. I can't sleep, eat, I've giving up on everything in life. I have no desire to do anything but just sit and go into myself more. I wish I had what your wrote. Do you think this person will ever call again? Am I just setting myself up for another left down? I just can't get him out of my head and heart."""
I am not Jarbarian, but I haven't seen a lot of "progress" in your description of this relationship...the emotions should "progress" along with any "meeting of the minds". you two haven't not had a meeting of the minds (and I know exactly how you feel, because, I am the guy who asked a woman "If he is such a good friend exBF, why doesn't he give you advice about you and me, and when can the two of us be formally introduced". Well, the answers were shallow and diversionary. "we never talk about you" she said, and "you two don't have a lot of common interests" (EXCEPT YOU, BABE)...etc.
So ItalianPisces, assuming you are doing a great job of explaining why you stayed so long with the drug addict, and why you want to keep the old mementos, I think your LD boyfriend is a looser otherwise. If you haven't explained this clearly to him (and did as my ex did), I can see some serious concern on his part....and I don't buy into the "If you trust each other, you won't ask any questions" line some people will reply with. I for one, expect serious answers from serious questions. And happy answers from happy questions, etc. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/18/2008 6:27:10 PM | Thanks for sharing your point of view.I found it very interesting . I completely agree with you.
have a nice week
mariacba | |
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