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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/18/2008 7:00:03 PM | Thanks again ,jarbarian.It is going to help me right now. I'll keep it and share it with my friends.
(I wanted to e-mail you , but I couldn't ,just to send you some picts of Argentina)
All the best for you.
mariacba | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/18/2008 7:21:57 PM | I agree with "once its over, its over." And women do stew a long time before they break it off. So when they do, its usually a real done deal.
Men? I don't know. I only had the guys who wanted to be physical right away, leave me. So don't know about a long term deal.
Even the sociopath I caught and dumped very nicely, did not want to break it off. Kept in contact with me for a month. AND in that month got himself engaged but never bothered to mention it. Don't you think that is an important piece of information to relate to an ex girlfriend? His fiancee finally called me. She checked his phone records. Now that was an interesting phone call. We talked for over an hour and she STILL married him. There were other women besides me and she knew it. Some people are really needy. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/18/2008 8:11:34 PM | | I agree till he mentioned about women doing the breakup and having all the support behind them that makes it difficult for me to even thinking that my ex would even consider coming back. I`m in the same boat, no problems everything was okay until Nov 16 she came over and started to cry. You know that when they say that they want to talk that something stinks in Denmark. I haven`t seen her for 6 months and I`m trying to do what the OP had written about 2nd chance. Boy that`s tough stuff. I do care and then sometimes I get angry and then I don`t care. What`s with that? | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/18/2008 9:01:40 PM | I cannot believe my luck at finding this thread. I think Jarbarian is an angel who is possibly channeling some phenomenal information. I think he could get paid big bucks for what he is doing but chooses to disseminate the information for free, without judging or attacking anyone. This is the most positive and useful thread I have ever encountered on any forum.
I have begun dating a man that I like very much. I met him on a reptile site, as we are both snake enthusiasts. It started out as a good friendship and having a lot in common. However, he is dealing with a lot on his plate right now--going through a divorce, dealing with custody of a young child, and waiting for a military dishcharge for receiving a head injury while fighting in Iraq. I have been alone for many years and have grown to be quite happy with myself. I became one of the most fun and popular members of the reptile forum, have a lot of friends there, and goof off all the time on there. This guy joined about a month ago and happens to live about an hour away. He noticed me right away and read all my threads (there are many). When he finally came to visit, I did not regard it as a date, but he seemed to really like me. We have started doing things together on weekends. But he just has so much stuff to deal with (hospital tests and visits) and caring for his child that he has had to cancel some of our dates lately. He was really pursuing me heavily for a while, while I was only interested in him as a friend. However, I sensed a slight shift in the power dynamic once I became more interested. He calls me less and has had things come up (legitimate things) to complete with our plans. He tells me he really really really likes me a lot and has feelings for me. But he suddenly became very distant, I think, due to a recent hospitalization and medical issues. He is someone I can really see myself with in the long term. But after reading Jarbarian's first post, I decided to pull my energy back and just remain as friends until he has dealt with all his issues, particularly the divorce and custody stuff. If we are meant to be together, it will happen then. In the meantime, I am getting back to my fun life without him and dating others. It was a good reminder that there are other men, and I do not have to wait for this one, all the while being frustrated about not getting enough of his time and all the unpredictable cancelations to our dates. I cannot thank you enough, Jarbarian, for such an uplifting thread. I have been angry at this guy all week and am starting to let it go.
In addition, I have started reviewing my past relationships in a different way, thanks to your posts. You must be some sort of angel.
Many thanks,
Snakewhisperer | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/18/2008 11:34:37 PM | He was really pursuing me heavily for a while, while I was only interested in him as a friend. However, I sensed a slight shift in the power dynamic once I became more interested. He calls me less and has had things come up (legitimate things) to complete with our plans. He tells me he really really really likes me a lot and has feelings for me. But he suddenly became very distant, I think, due to a recent hospitalization and medical issues
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Ok Ok, so how does that happen? He was pursuing you, then you pursuing him then nothing then now you go more other dates....You see where I am going?
What did you two talk about..Since you were never a "couple" in love, how can you "break up". What did you two tell each other and how did you two end up now where your at...... | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/19/2008 6:08:00 AM | May we know that it is the journey that is important. May we find our own truths and the divine within ourselves and in doing so help our fellow travelers to find their own. May we see each other through spirit and not through worldly eyes. Namaste
I read through many of these posts, am struggling myself with letting go of someone it it seemed so appropriate to share it with those that are trying to let go of their feelings for their past loves. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/20/2008 8:36:41 PM |
In addition, I have started reviewing my past relationships in a different way, thanks to your posts. You must be some sort of angel.
Many thanks,
Snakewhisperer
Not an angel by any means but thank you so much for your kind words. I'm glad the thread has helped you and others. Keep the faith :)
As I have stated many times, what is posted here is what I have learned from my own experiences (and the experiences of others). If it helps someone recover a little faster, then I am very grateful.
Cheers. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/21/2008 4:31:26 AM | Hey,
I agree, I thought I was only one on the planet going thru this shit...he lived with me 18mths, I gave my all to this man (emotionally and financially) only to find him on here lookin for someone else...still dont really understand why...am still hopin for him to return (has only been a week since I booted him out)...stuffed if I know why I want him back after that coz he the one that did me wrong but just cant seem to move on/get me shit together, , I know 2 sides to every story, but I just cant figure out where I went wrong-and i musta done wrong or he'd still be here-maybe gave TOO much ???
Thanks, I will print/save this stuff as well as very very helpful and so TRUE!!!
-Mezz | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/21/2008 4:56:37 AM |
I thought I was only one on the planet going thru this shit...he lived with me 18mths, I gave my all to this man (emotionally and financially)
Similar situation here. I was with her for 22 months, was head over heels in love with her, would have done almost anything for her, and for the most part, I did.
Second chances don't work, though. We broke up in November of 2007. I spent 5 months missing her, wondering if I had done the right thing by staying away from her (she broke up with me, but I didn't ask her to try to work it out like I had in the past). I wondered if she was missing me, etc. I found out she HAD been missing me, hadn't looked for anyone else, so I jumped at the chance to "make things right this time". We were together for FIVE DAYS! I hadn't changed, she hadn't changed, all of the same shit from before was still there. I actually convinced myself that she would be so happy that we were back together, that she would try to fix the things that were wrong before. But it didn't work like that (it never does, I just didn't know that at the time - it was wishful thinking). The first day together was great. If felt SO right, like I was "home" again in the relationship. Then it it literally bombed from there.
So DON'T go back, ever. The reason you broke up with to begin with will still be there. Even when they promise to change, they don't. And you don't really want someone who has to change for you, anyway. I'd rather find someone new who is happy with me, and I am happy with them, just the way we are. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/4/2008 9:07:57 AM | Hey Jarbarian,
I can see the point of what you were saying in your forum,but if you could read mine "made mistake of lifetime" and let me know if my situation canbe saved or am I doomed?I really love her and want a second chance to be with her,I'm ready to marry her. | |
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| Wow, you are pretty good.....
Posted: 6/4/2008 9:20:46 AM | ANYWAY, back to the actual topic:
The best thing to do when you think you want a second chance at a failed relationship? Jump back in with both feet. By doing so, you will VERY quickly be reminded why you are not with that person, and it won't take long to realize that you really DON'T want to be back with that person after all. THEN you can move on much easier. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/4/2008 11:21:17 AM | m still hopin for him to return (has only been a week since I booted him out)...stuffed if I know why I want him back after that coz he the one that did me wrong but just cant seem to move on/get me shit together, , I know 2 sides to every story, but I just cant figure out where I went wrong-and i musta done wrong or he'd still be here-maybe gave TOO much ???
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Is that a real post? YOU BOOTED HIM OUT, and "you are waiting for him..". Lady, if thats what's you call relationship skills, its gonna be along time before you find the one. You booted him out, a normal man (or woman) walks away without a word. Got it? You don't boot out people you love. He did you wrong? what did he do? Oh, looked at a POF ads? There is no law against that. You didn't give too much, trust me.
I'd say, this is your fault, and if he thinks you are worth it, and YOU DO WHAT JARBARIAN SAYS, youmight get him back..Hows that going by the way doing all those suggestions on Page 1? | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/5/2008 12:15:09 AM | I can see the point of what you were saying in your forum,but if you could read mine "made mistake of lifetime" and let me know if my situation canbe saved or am I doomed?
I can't possibly know that, but....
I really love her and want a second chance to be with her,I'm ready to marry her
...as long as you feel this way you will do every wrong thing you can to screw it up. There' s an old saying that goes "The best revenge is a life well-lived." If you are plotting, scheming and thinking up ways to win your ex back, you will fail. Guaranteed. Do you know why?
Women are smart. They can smell desperation a mile away. They don't like being coersed into a relationship. Women do not base their "love" decisions on logic, but how a man makes her feel. When you are pressing her to come back, that will not make her feel love. Oh, quite the contrary, she will smell the desperation. She will feel trapped. And like anyone who feels trapped, the first thing they will do is run the OPPOSITE direction at TOP SPEED.
So you see, the key to second chances for most people is NOT wanting it. Yes, that's right. I said NOT WANTING IT. Because until you get to the point in your life where you could give two flips about your ex, that's exactly what she is going to think about you.
Stop WANTING the second chance. I know that's hard. But in reality, that's the best you can do for the following reasons:
1. It will peel the desperation off you.
2. You will focus more on you and less on her.
3. You'll give her time to miss you.
4. She won't feel trapped anymore.
I will also add this. Sometimes no matter what you do, they won't come back. Whether you follow this guide or not. There is no "sure fire" way to win your ex back (Sorry to all of you who have spent money on e-books promising ways to win your ex back. Those books are akin to internet predators, feeding on your own desperation!).
At some point you have to face reality. "They aren't coming back." My advice to everyone seeking a second chance is to work as hard as earnestly possible to get to this point in your life. Because the sooner you do, the sooner you will heal and the sooner the RIGHT man or woman can come into your life.
And I am here to tell you, from first hand experience, the longer you pine after your ex, the longer you delay meeting someone who, quite possibly, is a million times better for you.
Cheers. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/5/2008 6:57:48 AM | I wanted a second chance, a third chance, a fouth chance and a fifth chance. Maybe a coule of more.
Finally she threw me to the curb for the last time and I now see clearly that it was a mistake from maybe the 3rd chance on.
The blinders of my loving her very deeply are off. I can see clearly now. It wa snever meant to be. Looking forward to finding someone worhty of turning over my heart to once agaain. I was not even me in the last 2 years. I'm glad to be me again. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/8/2008 8:57:52 PM | man, oh man, this is the topic to go to! I'm still holding out for another chance, after a month apart, but in that time, I can honestly say that I'm learning so much about who I am, who I was (the kind of guy who inevitably drives women away, with the lack of self confidence, low self-esteem, jealousy, possessiveness, control and every thing else that went along with those negative aspects of my personality). I feel extemely fortunate that I have been able to apply real, honest insight to myself, and realize that even though we were truly in love for five years, people that are being controlled or resratined will ALWAYS find a way to get out from under it. I believe that those of us who were trying to repress the one we were in love with have to:
1: admit it.
2: accept that it is enough to make anyone want to leave, and NEVER come back.
3:realize that if we are to ever have another shot at a real love (with the ex or ANYONE), we have to make some changes.
I'm seeing a counsellor about my problems, I really did get off my ass and joined a gym (and let's be honest, there are a number of ulterior motives to make ourselves look good when we find ourselves "SUDDENLY SINGLE"), and I'm spending a lot of time being really thankful for this gift of insight, feeling good about myself despite being the cause of the breakdown of what may have been the most important relationship in my life so far, and focusing on the parts of my personality that I let slide when we were together (I'm writing again, but now instead of horror stories, I'm putting my feelings down on paper as songs). I believe that woman is attracted to man for a few simple reasons, and if, over time, she doesn't see what she thought she saw at the start, her disappointment is going to grow to the point that the person she fell in love with isn't really there anymore (or maybe he never was, and that's why it's so important to be fiends and get to know one another before we get too serious), and she'll realize that she doesn't want to be there anymore, either.
Jar, I think your advice is pretty much bang-on, but I also believe that if a love really is strong enough, both parties will work on themselves during the break and get back to the place in their lives when they loved themselves, thereby giving them the ability to love someone else. I'm trying not to contact her, but that's not going well; i can only go about 3-4 days without sending a facebook card, or something like that. I'll admit that it's also hard to go without drinking on the weekends, because it has such a good numbing effect, and the social scene that goes along with going out to bars does help by meeting people that I didn't even know were attracted to me (which is good for my confidence), and talking feelings out that I probably wouldn't otherwise (I only get to see the counsellor once a week, and I've got a lot of things that I want to get off my chest). I believe that there IS a time for guilt, regret, sorrow, loss, and wallowing in self-pity, but it has to be short, and those times will get fewer and further in between.
I also think that a forum like this is an awesome way to get things out, because if we're serious, then we can be honest about ourselves to other people, and still be completely anonymous. I don't know if anything I've written will be any help to anyone, but then again, I'm not really in a position to help anyone else, because I'm not finished helping myself. Jarbarian, I'm glad that you were able to get through whatever it was to make you want to write on this board, and I'm confident that your words have helped more people that you;ll ever realize. Thanks, and keep it up (Until you find someone that keeps you more occupied...)! | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/11/2008 2:20:22 PM | Foreverman - you've set yourself up really well. Now, when you actually stop contacting her, she'll notice that, and you'll actually be moving on with your life. Try to keep yourself busy... oh and de-friend her from facebook. Trust me, you'll feel relieved!
Good luck man!
Noor | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/11/2008 2:39:44 PM | wonderful advice.....u mean to tell me that ppl seriously turn to drugs and alcohol and tell themselves they will never be loved again because their relationship fails? seriously?  | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/13/2008 11:26:29 AM | Warning: Long Post:
I entered into a relationship that I knew I should have avoided beforehand. It was a (very) long distance relationship with a woman I met online. It was early January this year, and she was separated and in the divorce process which was just completed the end of May. Also, this was her second marriage – later she told me that in both marriages she had felt that she had been emotionally abused.
The first night we chatted it was an instant click for each of us and we even began discussing meeting the following weekend. In fact, we did just that and not too long after we were both in love and even talking of a lifetime together.
However, the problems began when she had some trouble with her ex, but didn’t tell me that what was going on. I assumed she was upset with me and I reacted by pulling away. Ever since that time she used that as an excuse for distancing herself from me – something which she did with increasing frequency over time. Basically, she would oscillate between two states: one where she seemed happy, open and very loving. The other where she would close off and distance herself from me. While I didn’t want to think that she was on the rebound i’m sure that she must have been. She told me once that she wasn’t with her reasoning being that, in her mind, the marriage was over long ago and that she should have done the divorce long ago as well. However, the signs were there: mood changes, being clingy and needy, etc., but I let myself believe what she told me and convinced myself that it would work out for us.
Ultimately, during my last visit (end of May – just in time for her divorce to be finalized) she ended the relationship on the day I was to drive back home. There were plenty of signs while I was there (again, she would distance herself at times and her mood would change between extremes).
I should say that I’ve had already been practicing some of what jarbarian wrote to start this thread. I have avoided contacting her, though she has contacted me quite often in these past 2 weeks, and I have responded (felt unable to not respond would be more appropriate). I still love her and hate the thought of not being with her, and often in her emails to me her constant line is that she loves me and misses me, but that she is confused and feels that she will never be certain of anything again.
This relationship devastated me, and now I’m slowly working on turning myself around….basically following Jarbarian’s advice before I even read it! I do have hopes that someday I’ll be back with her, though in my mind I feel it is unlikely.
However, I do have a question: why would she break up with me, but then not just continue to try and keep contact with me, but to go so far as to say that she still loves and misses me? Is it just low self-esteem and neediness on her part and she is missing my love making her feel better about herself, or is it something else? In other words, I suppose that I find myself clinging to hope that I derive from this statement of hers and I worry that I’m just setting myself up for and even bigger fall than I’ve already taken. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/13/2008 5:39:02 PM | RE: Msg. 1120:
Sounds like she just wants to keep you around because she's lonely.
It's time to move on. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/13/2008 9:05:42 PM | My only question is, "why?"
Neither is likely to change so you will essentially have the same ingredients in the same proportion in the same mix. Why can't you realize that a bad mix is a bad mix? Some things simply won't work. Change ingredients; there is no lack. Take a look around you. It is not giving up if you realize you can't fly simply by flapping your arms up and down.
Furthermore, being alone is not the end of the world. It can be the beginning of a lot of things. Remember, a void is only a void because you don't fill it and the best revenge is living well. Fill the void with new courses and/or hobbies, new experiences, travel, discoveries.
Spread your wings and fly in directions you never thought possible. Who knows, on one of those flights you may even find a wingmate.
As I've said before, banging your head against a stone wall will cause a lot more damage to your head than to the stone wall. Maybe that's the trouble to begin with. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/13/2008 9:57:57 PM | | I really wish I would have seen this sooner. I did everything wrong after my break-up. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/15/2008 8:37:34 PM | | Stickerdude: I think everyone's natural reaction after losing someone important is to try and cling tighter - don't beat yourself up over it. I did EVERYTHING wrong after my first GF dumped. Coincidentally, she's the only who never wanted a second (or third or whatever chance). I think Jarbarian's been very modest about how well the advice works, because it's rare to follow the advice he gives and not have the ex want back in at some point! | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/15/2008 11:47:57 PM | Thanks so much jarbarian2 for the guidelines for a second chance. The only thing I would add though, about the no contact, are two things: sometimes separating, especially when moving out or separating property, it is inevitable that your paths will cross so best to make it as courteous and brief as possible. Secondly, if she/he wants out of the relationship and feels that they have treated you badly, they may think that you hate them and that you never want to see them again or they may have other misconceptions. So I think it is important to let them know where you stand and what your feelings are. After that, let them think about it, stew in their own juices and then one should follow the rest of your guidelines. Oh, and I also strongly recommend Dr. Glover's book, "No More Mr. Nice Guy."
Cheers to you too! | |
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