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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/15/2008 11:53:26 PM | And why did you feel the need to share that with us?
Is this an information page?
And what is your question? Cos I read it and cant find what you want to know from us  Or are you just a bossy person? | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/16/2008 4:47:10 AM | | HI What a fabulous thread,it has helped me so much in dealing with the split up of my boyfriend of 8 months.I desperately want a second chance but he says the problems he has with his children one 18 one 21,in which I involved myself will only get worse and not better,we have split and gone back 3 times now we are just friends but that isnt going to work because every time I see him I want to be back as we were.We loved each other and couldnt get enough of each other but he seems to have got over the split much easier than I have.I am going to act upon what you've said about no contact at all.up until now we have text each other every day and had the occassional phone call,each time I end up in tears.I am sure eventualy the problems he has at home with his children will dissapear,although it might take a few months,then he will be on his own.Do you think it is worth waiting for him to realise how much he is missing by us not being together,(he had very little life of any sort before he met me)and hope that he might want to be together one day or is it a possibility that he might think I want nothing at all to do with him if I start today by cutting all contact with him? I really need to move on but cant because I am thinking of him constantly,which is doing me no good at all.thanks for your thread,keep up the good work. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/16/2008 2:19:57 PM | I'm beginning to think that a second chance with an ex shouldn't really be a second chance at all: it should be a re-introduction of two good friends who have each, on their own, made changes to themselves to be better people or better partners, and after that, there may be a new chance between two new, essentially different people. Maybe that's what I'm working towards... I still believe in true love and I believe that I had found it, it's just that as the people we were, it could never work. So all I (or any one) CAN do is to correct my own problems, and if the love is there, equally on both sides, then maybe we might start something new...
Noor, thanks for the post. The counselling seems to be going well, I've lost 10 lbs. in 10 days @ the gym, and now I think I'm going to learn to play guitar, so I can put music to all these new songs I've been writing... with all of that going on plus 10 hour days at work, there's not much time for facebook (why is that shit so SLOW?), or even a couple cold beers once in a while (I guess I can catch up on that at Merritt Mountain Music Fest July 10-13...YEEE_HAW! | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/16/2008 11:49:55 PM |
Jar, I think your advice is pretty much bang-on, but I also believe that if a love really is strong enough, both parties will work on themselves during the break and get back to the place in their lives when they loved themselves, thereby giving them the ability to love someone else.
Well put and I agree.
Sometimes you really do have to let go of the ones you love and if they come back, they really are yours. The point is you have to give them the choice of leaving or staying. If you take that choice away from them they will ultimately make the decision to leave. No one wants to feel caged into a relationship. Not you, not I and certainly not our exs.
It's very good that you have been retrospective in your healing. I think that really is the key to not only healing but becoming a better, stronger person. After all, the definition of insanity is "doing the same things over and over expecting different results each time."
Gotta break free of the cycle if you really want your life to change for the better.
Cheers.
J. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/17/2008 12:03:23 AM | Well I went through that with my 3rd fiancee, we split up June/2006 & got back together a month after we broke up July/2006 & I realize myself that It wasn't a mistake we split up the first time bec. I realize he wasn't the one I want in my life so I split up with him the 2nd time.
There is no use to give it 2nd chances if they Hurt you over and over again. The thing is life shouldn't stop when someone hurts you- Don't shut yourself in the entire world because of one person- There is a lot of fish in the sea, as my friends tell me seeing I have gone through men & dating like I don't know they seem to have one thing on their mind, THEMSELVES & THEIR NEEDS, what about my needs.
I know it sounds SELFISH, but every relationship I went through in my lifetime, whether it was an engagement/relationship/casual friendship- all of them have the same pattern- they all are concern about THEMSELVES but then when the relationship ends they turned around & blame things on me without realizing the main problem in the whole thing, is THEM not willing to TAKE A RISK, TAKE A CHANCE that someone out there does care & love them back the way they want to be cared & loved for.
2nd chances, well I've gone through a lot of those with men that I have with but then i realize its not WORTH IT. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/23/2008 2:34:00 PM | An update and a new Q to consider:
I've taken her off facebook, I don't call, but I let her know that she or the kids can call anytime. I've made myself available for any kind of support that I can provide, and left that in her court. We're still quite amicable on the phone without any mention of the relationship, or whether or not we are trying to work things out. Which brings me to my question, and jarbarian I'd like to hear from you on this one:
It seems to me that it may be important to state our feelings about trying for a second chance and let the other one (the dumper, for lack of a better word) know exactly what we (the dumpees) are doing and plan to do to rectify the problems we (dumpees) had at the time of the split. If any of you had to let someone go that you used to love at one time, would it matter to you that they are making an effort to better themselves? I'm not talking about preying on old feelings, or trying to rehash a love that was good then went bad, but just making it clear that I know what I had been doing wrong and that I AM trying to fix it.
Anyways, I've already done that, and I'm sure she has little doubt of my intentions, so once again, it feels good to leave the next move up to her. I think it says something about my resolve, and if I leave it at that, she has this info to help (hopefully) in her decision-making.
Any thoughts? | |
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Dia623
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Joined: 5/13/2008
Msg: 1132 | |
| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/23/2008 2:40:25 PM | Sure great advice...now, what about those of us who have children? That makes a LOT of that advice impossible....And really its the people WITH children that should really give that idea of a second chance a try... | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/23/2008 2:50:29 PM | I wont; accept anything! I went on 2 dates with thsi girl and it did nto really work out, her friends thought Iw as weird abnd she thought I was a pervert. Well she was right but we talked online and she got to know me better and then we started dating again and it was mroe casual and I ended up growing on her like a fungus. We were together for over 3 years. The problem was that she was a 20 year old virgina nd Iw as jsut going way too fast for her. We broke up on good terms and are good friends. She sui still the best girlfriend I ever had. I am glad she gave me a second chance becuase it turned me intoa relationship type guy. Before I met ehr I had flings and now I like to have the same person make love to me and hold me every night. Sometimes first impressions aren't everything and your friends who are nice cna sometimes be wrong. She said I am the sweetest guy ever. And that her friends think I'm weird ebcuase I act silly in front of large crowds I jsut wound up becuase of my ADHD. Going to a party was a bad first date idea.
Sometiems people grow on you. Others you know right away, forget about seeing sparks or meeting your ideal mate. Soem things are meant to happen and some things are jsut unforseen. Ir eally loved that woman we jsut ende dup arguing too much and broke up becuase she could not forgive me forgetting the little things like ehr work schedule or oversleeping becuase I work hard and sue to live around my tv before I got a DVR. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/23/2008 3:04:06 PM | | Dia, in my case there are two kids to consider (both hers from a prior and he will not be in their lives, or anyone else's, ever), and they are equally as prominent in my resolve to work things out. It's the realization that my actions were the main reasons for the breakup of what could have been (or could be) a strong, healthy, happy family relationship that drive me, 'cause one way or another, I'm not going to be the same guy that made those mistakes. | |
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Dia623
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Joined: 5/13/2008
Msg: 1135 | |
| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/23/2008 3:47:23 PM | Dia, in my case there are two kids to consider (both hers from a prior and he will not be in their lives, or anyone else's, ever), and they are equally as prominent in my resolve to work things out. It's the realization that my actions were the main reasons for the breakup of what could have been (or could be) a strong, healthy, happy family relationship that drive me, 'cause one way or another, I'm not going to be the same guy that made those mistakes.
Good for you foreverman!!!!   | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/23/2008 6:33:25 PM |
I'm beginning to think that a second chance with an ex shouldn't really be a second chance at all: it should be a re-introduction of two good friends who have each, on their own, made changes to themselves to be better people or better partners, and after that, there may be a new chance between two new, essentially different people. Maybe that's what I'm working towards... I still believe in true love and I believe that I had found it, it's just that as the people we were, it could never work. So all I (or any one) CAN do is to correct my own problems, and if the love is there, equally on both sides, then maybe we might start something new...
Thanks foreverman. I am going through the same thing. We are talking...as friends. She has made it clear, there is no going back. However, we both want the friendship, and with changes in each of us and through a brand new friendship, it could work. To me it's worth the try. You could not have said this any better. It fits my situation to a tee. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/23/2008 6:59:13 PM | | I dont care what the reason or b.s. for that fact. If you cheat, you deserve to be dropped on your azz. Its like rewarding someone for being a dumb azz. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/23/2008 9:40:41 PM | | One of the most thoughtful and best written posts I've seen here...........and there have been excellent ones. Went through the crap a while ago myself, going through the process, and to be honest right now I'd rather eat a lightbulb ,element and all than be back in the situation I was in. The advice is great and I for one take it very much to heart. It's hard to let go, especially when you thought you had that special "one" but it needs to be done and no matter the pain one feels, it's short term pain for long term gain | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/28/2008 12:41:48 AM | Thanks Regularguy. I'm glad the post has helped you. Believe it or not, writing all that stuff helped me out too. The more I read what I wrote the more relative it all has proven to be.
Best of luck to ya! | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 7/10/2008 8:37:27 AM | Query for Jarbarian
My best friend Jay had his long term gf break up with him about a year ago - she had been very cold and distant for a while, he had an affair with another girl, she found out, they reconciled, then she cheated on him, which he forgave.
Finally she broke up with him over a flirty text message he sent when he was drunk - which was something to the effect of what are you up to :) to a couple of different girls.
So after the breakup she calls him every day for emotional support, while insisting she doesn't want to get back together - she's dating other people etc.
I told him a few months ago he really needs to stop talking to her, so he told her he wasn't going to talk to her until he could just be friends with her. She was hurt, but understood.
So now he emails her this week just to see how she's doing, because he's trying to reestablish contact as friends, and potentially more. She writes back saying she doesn't know if she's ready to talk, or his motivations in wanting to, then tells him she's fine
So he calls me and asks what he should do - I told him the best thing for him to do is to just say
I meant talking as friends, but I respect your decision, and I hope things continue to go well. To show he cared, but not that he was going to be really wrapped up in what she said.
Looking back on that advice, I'm not sure it was the right thing to tell him, and now he's bummed she might never contact him again. I told him that's pretty unlikely, it seems like she's more peeved he actually cut her off for a few months, and he's set himself up pretty well. Of course, I just got back from dealing with a lot of family stuff last night, so I probably wasn't in the best frame of mind to really dedicate my full faculties to it. Any thoughts? | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 7/10/2008 7:53:36 PM |
Query for Jarbarian
My best friend Jay had his long term gf break up with him about a year ago - she had been very cold and distant for a while, he had an affair with another girl, she found out, they reconciled, then she cheated on him, which he forgave.
Uhh, that's a recipe for disaster right there.
Finally she broke up with him over a flirty text message he sent when he was drunk - which was something to the effect of what are you up to :) to a couple of different girls.
I'm sensing a pattern here.
So after the breakup she calls him every day for emotional support, while insisting she doesn't want to get back together - she's dating other people etc.
She doesn't want to let go, he's not the monogamous type....
I told him a few months ago he really needs to stop talking to her, so he told her he wasn't going to talk to her until he could just be friends with her. She was hurt, but understood.
Ok, that's progress.
So now he emails her this week just to see how she's doing, because he's trying to reestablish contact as friends, and potentially more. She writes back saying she doesn't know if she's ready to talk, or his motivations in wanting to, then tells him she's fine
Ok.
So he calls me and asks what he should do - I told him the best thing for him to do is to just say
I meant talking as friends, but I respect your decision, and I hope things continue to go well. To show he cared, but not that he was going to be really wrapped up in what she said.
Looking back on that advice, I'm not sure it was the right thing to tell him, and now he's bummed she might never contact him again. I told him that's pretty unlikely, it seems like she's more peeved he actually cut her off for a few months, and he's set himself up pretty well. Of course, I just got back from dealing with a lot of family stuff last night, so I probably wasn't in the best frame of mind to really dedicate my full faculties to it. Any thoughts?
Toxic relationship from the start. Never had a solid foundation to build on. Seems they are more interested in "one upping" each other to prove a point. Will she call him again? Only when she thinks he's truly moved on.
My question is why do they even want each other? It seems like all they do is cheat on each other and to some degree, fight. That's a basis for wrestling on TV, but not true relationships.
Personally I think they should just stay away from each other. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 7/10/2008 8:13:19 PM | Well the initial point of my telling him to stop talking to her was I hoped he would realize he was better off without her. Ideally, she won't write or call him until he's moved on - and is impervious to wanting to be with her or at least recognizes it's not a great idea
They've had a long cycle of on again/off again, but they did start dating really young. I basically told him the only way it'd work is if they had a long enough break that it wasn't a continuation of the previous relationship and cycles, but a real fresh start, like two new people.
I don't really know why he wants her back - he's convinced she's the one and he really loves her, and that he only strayed because of the stress he was under etc... I think he confuses fighting for passion and conflict for love, but I don't think he's really getting that. So I'm just trying to let him know how to set himself up to get back together with her - other than that he's really on his own for how it works out. In the meantime, I have every intention of inviting as many single girls over to his house as possible in the hopes that something sticks next time I visit!
And Jar, thanks for the advice - I thought it was probably the best he could do with the goal of reconciliation in mind, and I'm too tired to try to convince why that shouldn't be his goal. On the plus side he's been seeing a counselor weekly to work out why he cheated and the patterns he formed with her, so I think there might actually be some hope it'll be different - but the further away the reconciliation is, the better the chances are of that.
Hope y'all are having a great night! | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 7/10/2008 9:13:34 PM | this is by far the BEST post I have read..here or anywhere else. Too bad it came to late for me.....I've done all the wrong things and know I will never get back with my ex-love.
I will however pick up where I am now and begin the healing, no more tears, no more tantrums, no more sitting at home feeling sorry for myself. It's time to heal. I'm a good person with lots to offer. Too bad he couldn't see that, or didn't want to see it...I don't know . He goes through women like he's test driving a car..tries them on for size while all the while looking for the next ride. I feel sorry for him in a way....I don't think he will find happiness like that, but I do wish him well. When he made the comment to me a few weeks ago (while telling me of his latest breakup), he said to himself..." well, there's always scorpiocanadian". Finally, the light came on! Sorry sweetheart, but I will no longer think of someone as a priority when they think of me as an option. I will no longer be the girl you call in between the girls you date. I'll always love you, you knew me better than anyone else in this whole world. It's hard to let go of the dream but I gotta go, for my own sanity. Adios amigo!   | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 7/10/2008 9:34:48 PM | It has taken me almost 14 months to get to this point and I have followed all the points mentioned to a T. I do love my ex unconditionally and I want him to be happy, with or without me, preferably with me. I understand he has issues and I am accepting of them and of him. In the meantime, I have concentrated on myself, am past the hurt and am happy. Moving on is difficult but I have learned that it's all about me. I couldn't have done it without the love of my true friends and other avenues that I explored in order to help me through the process.
FYI - D, if you happen across this, I still do love you, unconditionally, and I was never angry, etc, just sad is all about how our relationship ended, but I understand. I just want us both to be happy, one way or another. We'll always have Detroit. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 7/12/2008 5:55:16 PM | Thank you, Scorpiocanadian. :)
To anyone else this thread has helped, hang on to hope. There's no reason for you to place your self-worth on what other's think of you or whether they see value in you.
As long as you love, respect and value yourself -- other's can't help but do the same :)
Cheers. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 7/21/2008 7:44:44 PM | Wished I had seen this when a guy asked me for a second chance..sheesh I blew it a little bit but fortunately for me when he called me on my cell phone I didn't recognize his voice (honestly I didn't) and he had to tell me who he was.
I really was begining to be in love with this guy before he called it quits
One bit of advice I'd like to throw in is to not burn any bridges during the break up.. act like a mature human being.. and as a friend of mine who I worked with used to say "don't ever act in a way that they are glad you are not in their life"..
But I am prepared if this situation ever comes up again..
Great Great post | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 7/22/2008 12:33:15 PM | I'm not sure "it" should always be thought of as a 'second chance'...'third chance' etc.
So much depends on the real truth of WHY and HOW it all 'fell apart'...........if a level of awareness has been reached that can truly rectify and solidify...and become the 'thread'...the 'tie' the TRUTH that binds two .....and suddenly a 'new beginning' feels right for both. I say...DO IT!! Life is really really very short to live in 'regret' either way. Better to try...than not...better to DO...that live with 'what if's'.................NOT always the case....most likely NOT the case....but, I do believe there are special 'cases' that require those special hearts that hunger still for those 'forevers' they both believed it would always be, and still can't fully fathom it working with any other 'two'. Probably just the undying romantic/believer in me. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 7/27/2008 10:57:07 AM | | thanks for the input, huney! the positivity in your post helps me to believe more that there may be a chance. i'm ok with the breakup now, and in a lot of ways, glad for it, because it gave me (and her, too, hopefully) an opportunity to re-examine the relationship, and who/ what i was... sometimes it seems like some people just aren't interested in putting in the effort to work things out, maybe because they weren't really in love to start with... i believe in true love, and soulmates, because it was her that showed them to me, so why not just take a break, figure stuff out on our own, and give it a fresh look, and start over? | |
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