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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/3/2006 3:16:46 PM | Jar...thank you for all of your uplifting replies...I'm moving on in my life and goals...after reading what you write and geesh..you are trying to help SO many people on this site..this chapter of my life I now know is over....as we get older, our priorites change, our hormones change...we begin to realize that life is so very short. Life is a series of pain, happiness, tragedies, and struggles. If we are smart..we will look ahead to the future and what it may hold for all of us. Some of us give up, or give in. I won't do either. I'll continue to go on, leave my heart open and linger in my curiosity for the future. Thank you my friend. Knock her socks off!!!
Sanschele | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/3/2006 4:01:43 PM | Sanschele, thank you.
God placed us here on earth to help each other. That's all I am trying to do is offer some hope and advice for those looking to put their life together.
Who knows what is in store for my life? All I do know is that I'm not going to get down when I fail, but use it as a learning experience for the next steps of my life.
I hope others can do the same. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/3/2006 4:09:14 PM | Let me know how 'lunch' goes my friend..I am pulling for you..she is worth it..you are worth more..hope she know's it.
Your friend..Jorgeanna. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/3/2006 4:55:36 PM | "It's ok to want someone - but never OK to need them."
Okay Jar, try and help me understand something.
One of the things my ex-fiance said to me about why he wanted to be single again is that he felt like I didn't need him. So if it is ok NOT to need someone, why would he feel bad that I didn't. I assume you are talking about emotional need and so was he. When I tried to explain that it was better to be wanted than needed, he didn't buy into it. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/3/2006 5:04:08 PM | Googling for "stages of grief" may provide insight into the psychological underworking of breakups and trying to make ammends -- but your article, Jar, is far more pragmatic and personal. Well-written, too!  | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/3/2006 5:16:29 PM | daynknight, thank you!
One of the things my ex-fiance said to me about why he wanted to be single again is that he felt like I didn't need him. So if it is ok NOT to need someone, why would he feel bad that I didn't. I assume you are talking about emotional need and so was he. When I tried to explain that it was better to be wanted than needed, he didn't buy into it.
In a nutshell he was insecure, that's why. He needed you to "need" him to feel validated.
My question to you is "Do you want to be with someone who needs you for them to feel validated???" I wouldn't.
I'm sorry it didn't work out but unless he works on his own confidence and self-esteem he's destined to be one who rescues others and ultimately ends up dumped himself.
Relationships are based on respect and communication. You can not have a healthy relationship where someone is "needed." | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/3/2006 6:45:01 PM | Jar thanks again for the advice.
The latest I feel I need to share with you is the follwoing:
I finally got some slef esteem back and when she emailed me telling me how sorry she was about what happened and that she still needed to see me next weekend - did I mention this is a long distance relationship?-I basically told her it was a bad idea at this time. Kept brief and to the point.
She called me shortly after and we talked for a brief while.
She tried to explain what happened from her perspective and I simply told her I don't think it was worth rehashing the past and what was done was done. I did also state that she took my feelings for granted and that if we were to get back together we needed to open up the lines of communication so we know what each other expects out of the realtionship and this sort of thing doesn't happen again. I did not make any apologies for the way I acted nor did I say I was okay with what she did. I accepted her apology and that was it.
It's been two days and I haven't heard from her. We didn't make any definite plans to never talk or break it off indefinetly, etc.
I certainly feel good about what I did and have actually been able to sleep some lately without my mind racing all night.
However (there is alwys the however)
I still miss her and want to be with her. I want to call her and say that we should give this another try and so on. I believe that she is truly sorry for what she did.
I do trust that the almighty God will give me what I need and neglect what I want but if this case may be that I need to let go I guess I might as well let go.
I think I just answered my own question.
Any advice dude? | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/3/2006 9:54:12 PM | Avid, you've done your part. Let it settle with her for a while. Women take longer to change their mind than do men. They are much more deliberate.
Resist the urge to pine after her. Let her sit on it for a while.
Continue to work on your confidence and self-esteem. Don't sway from your goal. Think of the LONG TERM reward (getting back together) and don't think too much about the short term stuff (chatting with her, etc).
Have faith. God does not always give you what you want, but he'll always give you what you need. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/4/2006 3:23:17 AM |
I'm sorry it didn't work out but unless he works on his own confidence and self-esteem he's destined to be one who rescues others and ultimately ends up dumped himself.
Well now he doesn't have to work on his confidence and self-esteem because he has found another woman to do that for him.
Upon reflection of our entire relationship, I seem to have been one in a series (and now he is on to the next one). He comes in all gentlemenly and romantic. Complements you to the max and within 2 or 3 dates asks you to be exclusive AND TELLS YOU HE LOVES YOU!! Only he did take it one step further with me and actually ask me to marry him! I put him off for several months (during which time he continued to be extremely supportive and didn't push for an answer--although he did propose two more times) and finally realized that I was willing to take that step. Then it was all down hill from there. Having caught the fish and had his picture taken with it, he leaves it there for everyone to see and as it begins to rot and stink, he gets disgusted by it, throws it in the trash and goes fishing again. I never thought of him as a player, but I do believe that is exactly what he is.
Thanks for letting me vent. At least now I can say "kiss my a**", pray that he doesn't keep doing this with other women (I wish I could send out a city wide warning!) and realize that he will answer to God for his actions.
Jean | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/4/2006 7:48:36 AM | Jar,
It is finally time to move on.
We talked last night and I feel good about the conversation but now that I know it's truly over I have mixed feelings. I feel good that there is closure but at the same time feel bad that it ended and I will never be with her.
The conversation...
She called and we talked first about our work and then came time to talk about us. She more or less told me she is still confused about relationships and she is not really sure what she wants. She realized that hanging up on me was immature and she is not quite sure why she did it. She was torn between what her heart is telling her (stay with him) and what her mind was telling her (let him go because it may never work). She also mentioned that she can not fully commit to me because of her immaturity and not knowing what she truly wants. I explained again that I am very in tune with my feelings and know what I want and that the best thing we could is let it go and move on with our lives. I did reiterate that there were no ill feelings and that I respected her for being honest but I would rather not have her communicate with me. I don't believe she understood the no communication part but you know how the old saying goes; out of site out of mind.
Further thoughts...
I'm not sure how to take all this. I know it's over but can't seem to come the realization that it is. I do however trust that God will make it all better but in the meantime it's time to get back up on the horse and ride again.
Jar, thanks again for the advice, it amazes me that someone would take the time out of a possibly busy schedule and answer all these threads. That is truly a selfless act and I commend you for it.
Thanks again and stay well.
Ric | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/4/2006 8:23:41 AM | You guys seem so strong. All the advice to let go is so logical, true.......and I know it is exactly what I need to do..........but......how........God.......how, can i turn off the tears and the feelings to do what I need to do? How can i stop wanting the very thing that destroyed me?
I need a drink | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/4/2006 8:24:03 AM | Avid, I am sorry it didn't work out -- but stick to your guns. At least she admitted she is immature. She sounds a lot like my ex in many ways. Confused, doesn't know what she wants, etc.
The end result is you have to take care of #1: You.
If you're with someone and your needs aren't being met but theirs are, that's a very unequally yoked relationship. That's why I recommend people don't stay in constant contact with an ex. Well, one of many reasons.
Anyway, I wish you the best of luck. Keep praying! | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/4/2006 10:17:36 AM | My my my... the games people play.
Spoken from a mans persepective.. great.
Now for a touch of reality.
Issue number
1... LET GO. well yes, If he has decided to walk away from you... the very best thing you can do is let go. Simply put men get huge ego strokes from women who cry, need and want them when they are done with them. While they may not want them anymore.. any clinging will only cause them to loose more respect for the female they have decided to dump. This becomes sticky when you are talking about "Married" people. The rules become diferent. Because marriage is in fact work, More is involved then his pissy a** whinny need to "play the field" Usually its devistating to other people. Kids included.
We live in a society today that people tend to make commitments and break them just because something becomes hard.. or they don't "feellll happy right now" blah blah blah.
Relationships are work bottom line ... nothing is ever going to be perfect. So the best advice I can give you if you plan on letting GO... weither you are the dumper or the dumpee... Consider everyone involved look at your situation honestly specifically if you have taken vows of marriage and exhaust every effort to work things out first.
2. No contact.... oh yea more great advice. And usually only works with those who play head games or are easily led into playing them. While its true that most people can't stand to be ignored and will usually react... the bottom line is if they do chase you down to find out why you haven't been contacting them .. its only for that reason alone. Sooner or later they are gonna be just as gone as before. In the mean time... you both can play the come here go away game because your driving each other nuts deliberately by playing head games.
Does this mean you should call them daily ... NO Does it mean you should stalk them? Oh god no.... But... answering the phone or saying hello in a store what ever shouldn't be that big of a deal.
There is that old saying.... Absence makes the heart grow fonder... Well wake up people... more times than not.... Out of sight means out of mind and the bigger a gap gets between two people and those lines of communication go down.... the less likely the chance of a reconsiliateion there is. Remember we now live in the "its all about me world" People are more self centered and selfish.... oh so full of self love they rarely need or will accept someone they have to put before themselves in life. Sadly... I look at all the kids today who are strung out on dope. In gangs dropping out of school and I understand most of it has to do with mommy and daddy being too self involved to put that childs needs before thier own.... and rest assured they don't put each others needs before thier own either. No real commitment there anyway.
3. Do not be friends?? Thats pretty imature ... it is in fact possiable to be friends. Maybe not right away but if you really love someone to begin with.. then you always will on some level. Granted it takes some time to get past the seperation anxiety.. and the painful parts. Sooner or later if you do in fact keep casual friendly lines of communication open.. WITH OUT trashing them out of anger and resentment for dumping or vise versa what ever.. if you can control that for a time.. Then yes later with in a few months 3 maybe.. you can be friends. It does happen. If your both grown up enough to understand there are reasons the relationship didn't work intamately with out needing to fault find and blame... you can get past it.
4. Focus on you.... sort of good advice. But when we are in positions (specially women) we are nurturers by nature. Believe it or not that is biological. So for those of you who just cant get fullfilment from watching your gludious maximus tone in a mirror all day.... Then focus on other things. Volunteer... other friends, Work ... jounaling actually can help, Its important to do at least ONE nice thing for yourself daily however. If you just focus on everything else in life you will find that your over all health will improve as you do. Find something that fullfills you... even if its not about you.. its ok.. long as its not about the Ex.
5. As far as drinking. Good lord almighty.. There is a rule for that.
When the split is still fresh and you are in way too much agony.. It is actually productive to purge all that out somehow. BUT.. rules have to be followed for safety.
a. Designated driver and someone who will NOT let you get alcohol poisoning
b. Make sure you have people around you that you can trust to NOT let you go to jail, Not let you get into bar room brawls... and most importantly Will hold your hair when you need to puke.
After all thats is done.. and you have suffered through the dry heaves the deep conversation with god while clinging to something never meant to be near your face... Take the next week to recover from its effects by getting lots of sleep and vitamins. Remember that was your only shot at self pity so make it count!! Then you will be expected to start doing more productive things. Its always healthy to VENT.. better out than in and its important to do that. OK... so you don't drink. Screaming, crying... breaking dishes is fine too. Granted expensive to replace but much better then holding all of that in and letting it eat away at your soul. How ever you choose to vent.. Do it get it over with and limit it.
Now for another dose of reality for those not into the whole come here go away head game trip.
A key thing you need to remember.
***If they dumped you.... its because they don't want to be with you. If they loved you they wouldn't of left to begin with.. If they claim confusion.... its BS.. if they are confused than it should be pretty apparent your not what they want.
Second chances rarely work.. and when they do its because it takes work.. Usually something they weren't ready to do to begin with to salvage the relationship before they went off on their little self discovery tour.
The best advice I can give anyone in a realationship....
IF you love this person but things aren't going quite right.. or you feel neglected he or she does this or that which grates on your nerves. BEFORE you start doing the I'm gonna leave you if you don't straighten up routine.. I'd suggest open discussion and a real honest effort to correct whats wrong first. Additionally once you have exhausted all other efforts, and you have made the choice to leave the relationship. STAY GONE. Dont be maniupulated into comming back, and most importantly do NOT use manipulations to run back and forth because your "confused". Does more damage than you can ever imagine.
If you love someone and honestly want to spend your life with them... then you don't have a good enough reason to leave to begin with. Temper tantrums taking your toys and going home is childish, and doesn't get you anything but alone in the end. Relationships specifically commited ones take work. Nothing worth having ever comes easy.
Just my opinion. As far as self help books... I have seen the damage those cause too. And its really not pretty. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/4/2006 10:48:52 AM | Sno,
Thanks for your lengthy reply.
If you feel this post is about playing games then you didn't read it thoroughly.
The post is about fixing yourself.
It's about being a stronger, confident person. Games are for children. The period of NC isn't a game. It's to give you time and space to heal. If you remain in contact with that person, if you continue to feed their ego by being at their beck and call all it does is SLOW DOWN THE HEALING PROCESS.
Letting go is essential to this process.
Being friends with someone you love is like trying to quit smoking without actually quitting. As long you get your fix you won't quit. Being friends with an ex gets the Ex's needs met while yours go unmet in the process. It's them keeping you on a string, not allowing you to move on while they have their cake and eat it to.
As for "if you love someone you wouldn't leave them in the first place..." well of course, but it happens all the time and those who are left holding the bag often don't know what to do to get over it. This is for those who have been dumped, not those doing the dumping.
Above all this thread shows you that even if a second chance never happens you'll be fine.
PS: My advice does not come from a "man's" perspective only. It comes from some well educated male and femal PhD's and from both men and women who have been through similar situations. What you choose to do with the information is up to you. Advice is just that, advice. There are varying factors/situations but the core of the advice is sound. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/4/2006 11:13:55 AM | jarbarian
I respect your outlook. Stating that these are great ideas because they are recomended by Phd's is saying that those ideas are "gold" because they are thoughts and ideas of people with a college degree.... more often than not drank their way through classes. Please.
The very reasons relationships tend to crumble to begin with is most people are only thinking of themselves "first". This after all is the "ME" generation and society.
While I don't think its healthy to put yourself below anyone who isn't willing to make the same sacrifices for you... its also not good for commitment if you can't put your spouses needs or your childrens needs before your own. Which brings me back to those second chances. There shouldn't be a need for them to begin with and if there is.... remember why. Those things seldom change.
You imply that your post is about "fixing" yourself. What makes you think people who have been dumped need fixing? Granted they may be hurt, and in pain... doesn't mean they are broken or something is wrong with them. Venting and working through the grief process is the most healthy thing they can do for themselves to get back on track.
Sorry but no amount of situps is going to fix a broken heart. Grief has a process... it needs to be seen through. Thats how healing starts. While if your trying to get in physical shape excersice and eating healthy will have positive mental effects as well. It will make you feel better about yourself... it rarely stops the pain you feel about someone else. If you happen to find yourself in a great excersise program... and feeling better about it all... understand its because the grief process is comming to its close and it had nothing to do with your new abs. Thats about the shallowest statement I have ever been told a Phd make. Credited to endorphins or not.. just like any chemical eventually they wear off and your faced to deal again.
Distractions.. another thing the "gym" may do. Distractions in life weither is excersise.. new eye candy or a new hobby... help keep our minds from dwelling on what we miss. Come night time.. your still staring at the whole grief process again. Its just as important as those little distractions. Its just something each person who's ever been in love has to feel and work through.
Keeping it bottled up and ignoring it while you pretend to the rest of the world that your moving on and things are great and plastering a fake smile on your face only henders that process for a lot of people My point is.. this advice that you gave can be toxic for some personality types. Might be great for some and seriously toxic for others.
There is an old saying..
Never make anyone a priority that only considers you an option.
And I would suggest that a second chance (after actually leaving a relationship)
only sets people up for repeats of going through it over and over and over.
Pretending to be happy, blah blah what ever and smiling at your Ex.. putting on that fake face "just to get him or her to come back because your showing them you dont need them" thats manipulation and usually its roots start at vendictiveness and it is in fact a game.
That whole "aren't you sorry you dumped me now" routine. If you were dumped.. scream cry what ever you need to do. Just don't play games to get them back to somewhere they obviously didn't want to be to begin with or they wouldn't of left you. In the long run you most likely wont be happy and neither will they. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/4/2006 11:44:17 AM |
I respect your outlook. Stating that these are great ideas because they are recomended by Phd's is saying that those ideas are "gold" because they are thoughts and ideas of people with a college degree.... more often than not drank their way through classes. Please.
I never said they were gold. What I said was that it was not as you assumed, the perspective of just one man. Which you quite easily dismissed, BTW.
The very reasons relationships tend to crumble to begin with is most people are only thinking of themselves "first". This after all is the "ME" generation and society.
In an ideal society we'd consider the feelings of everyone, but if your needs aren't being met what should you do?
While I don't think its healthy to put yourself below anyone who isn't willing to make the same sacrifices for you... its also not good for commitment if you can't put your spouses needs or your childrens needs before your own. Which brings me back to those second chances. There shouldn't be a need for them to begin with and if there is.... remember why. Those things seldom change.
Agreed. You should never need someone, only want them in your you life. But if you can't get your own needs met you will not be able to meet the needs of someone else.
You imply that your post is about "fixing" yourself. What makes you think people who have been dumped need fixing? Granted they may be hurt, and in pain... doesn't mean they are broken or something is wrong with them. Venting and working through the grief process is the most healthy thing they can do for themselves to get back on track.
I never said everyone who has been dumped needs fixing. But during that time it's a good opportunity to look back and "tune yourself up" where it needs to be. Sometimes we just pick bad partners for us. Many people, after being dumped, place complete blame on the ex and fail to see what they did to contribute to the demise of the relationship.
Sorry but no amount of situps is going to fix a broken heart.
I never said that. I said there is scientific proof that endorphins make you "feel" better.
Distractions.. another thing the "gym" may do. Distractions in life weither is excersise.. new eye candy or a new hobby... help keep our minds from dwelling on what we miss. Come night time.. your still staring at the whole grief process again. Its just as important as those little distractions. Its just something each person who's ever been in love has to feel and work through.
That's why I emphasize exercising, reconnecting with friends and indulging in hobbies. They are by default distractions of the mind that help get your focus off the ex.
Keeping it bottled up and ignoring it while you pretend to the rest of the world that your moving on and things are great and plastering a fake smile on your face only henders that process for a lot of people My point is.. this advice that you gave can be toxic for some personality types. Might be great for some and seriously toxic for others.
I never said bottle it up. I said allow for the normal grieving process. I suggest talking to friends but not wearing them out with it. I also several times this advice isn't the end all. It's advice and must be taken with a grain of salt.
There is an old saying..
Never make anyone a priority that only considers you an option.
Agreed.
And I would suggest that a second chance (after actually leaving a relationship)
only sets people up for repeats of going through it over and over and over.
Circumstances change. People change. Saying it will end with repeat results would be true only in the case where nothing has changed since the breakup.
Pretending to be happy, blah blah what ever and smiling at your Ex.. putting on that fake face "just to get him or her to come back because your showing them you dont need them" thats manipulation and usually its roots start at vendictiveness and it is in fact a game.
Putting on a positive face isn't intended to manipulate you. It's positive reinforcement by "faking it till you make it." That's why I stress letting go. If you're constantly beating yourself up over the demise of the relationship it will take you that much longer to heal.
That whole "aren't you sorry you dumped me now" routine. If you were dumped.. scream cry what ever you need to do. Just don't play games to get them back to somewhere they obviously didn't want to be to begin with or they wouldn't of left you. In the long run you most likely wont be happy and neither will they.
You're putting a lot of words in my mouth that I never said and making a ton of assumptions. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/4/2006 11:53:33 AM | personally I'm still working on breaking #8 so I can try and do the other 12.
When things are still so raw and choking, trying to robotically do these things you know you must do to heal is so very very difficult and quite frankly makes you doubt the healing process. It's like taking antibiotics for an ear ache, the pain goes on long after you start taking the medicine that is curing the cause. Guess the pain is the last to go?
I don't think I'm gonna like the answer to that. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/4/2006 12:29:13 PM | Hi Jar,
Thank you so much for all the wonderful advise. I am not sure whether I can follow everything you said there. I just finished read all 5 pages of the forum and has my eyes wide open. Your advice will come in handy after I actually have the guts to tell him that I am leaving. I am also in the process of breaking up with my partner. I know what is the right thing to do but deep down in my heart, I don't want to do it or you can say that I don't want to deal with it. It has dragged me down for almost 2 months now. I think I am in a dead end street with no way out. I am seeking professional help right now (my first appointment is next Sunday) and hopefully that will give me a better objective about this whole relationship. Now, I have doubt about myself and I think I am crazy or over-react about the whole situation. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/4/2006 12:29:35 PM |
personally I'm still working on breaking #8 so I can try and do the other 12.
When things are still so raw and choking, trying to robotically do these things you know you must do to heal is so very very difficult and quite frankly makes you doubt the healing process. It's like taking antibiotics for an ear ache, the pain goes on long after you start taking the medicine that is curing the cause. Guess the pain is the last to go?
I don't think I'm gonna like the answer to that.
A very good analogy :) | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/4/2006 1:42:09 PM | your right sometimes the pain is the last to go..
All I'm trying to say is don't illusion yourself into thinking that you can avoid feeling it.
The sooner you vent it the better it is. I can't help but notice.. when we go through things like this.. our friends, family, doctors and who ever always say the same thing immediately.
Move on get over it. Do this, don't dwell, etc..
What that boils down to is they can't stand to see us in pain and they don't know how to deal with it. Sometimes the best theropy is having a friend who cares enough about you that they will let you scream cry for weeks if necessary if it helps you get to the next phase of "grief" with out constantly telling you to do or feel a way your just not ready for. Granted you should be ever mindful that you limit yourself because depression can be serious. Ironically.... most people wind up suffering LONG term depression because they DONT allow themselves to vent or go through the pain to start off with. Hence they carry it around with them for years.
Real friends will tollerate the tears and the negativity from you simply because they understand that loosing someone that means that much to you is serious. Its not something you can just shift gears and put behind you just like that. Healing takes time. And I can agree with jar... when he says things like keep busy and keep distracted. However its equally important to allow yourself to grieve too. And the last thing I think we need especially in the beginning of such an ordeal is people pumping rays of sunshine up our a***s. If you have a friend going through something similiar... while you might not know what to do or how to fix it. Understand everytime you tell them oh you need to do this or that... it might be they haven't gotten to a place where they are ready to or even ready to hear it yet. Give them time. LISTEN.. don't judge..
As far as second chances go... when someone hurts you that much by leaving you with out talking or trying to work it out to begin with. The trust will die. Reguardless of what else changes later. That will have to be rebuilt and if they weren't prepared to trust you enough to come to you when the problems started its unlikely your trust in them will ever be as solid as it should be. Sad but true.
Jar, please understand I am NOT discrediting your post. And I wasn't trying to put words in your mouth either.
For some people though.. immediately hearing something like that as I said can be toxic if they try putting it into practice right away. I can give you a really horriable tragic story that will point that out and set a perfect example of how and why. But that post would be an entire page long. And the story ends very badly for the woman involved.
For anyone dealing with anything like this. Don't be a doormat.. second chances are for the lottery.
Learned that the hardest way you can imagine. It will hurt. But like everything else it takes time. Give yourself that and for gods sake please allow yourself to vent. Then once you do that it will be much easier going through those robitc practices until everything else manages to come full circle and your really ready to move on.
When you allow yourself to give that second chance to the EX.. because he or she says oh.. I've changed... I still love you. I was wrong.. things will be better this time. You have to understand that when it happens again... you will just be starting all over again with that same pain.. only this time around you knew going back into it there was that chance and you started it all over again with out having trust.
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/4/2006 2:56:27 PM |
Jar, please understand I am NOT discrediting your post. And I wasn't trying to put words in your mouth either.
I wanted to clarify that because some of the quotes you made were not words made by me :)
For some people though.. immediately hearing something like that as I said can be toxic if they try putting it into practice right away. I can give you a really horriable tragic story that will point that out and set a perfect example of how and why. But that post would be an entire page long. And the story ends very badly for the woman involved.
For some people or a few? The same can be said of any advice, really. My advice is general of nature and should be taken as such. We have no control over other people which is why this advice centers on yourself, which is the only aspect of a relationship you have complete control over.
For anyone dealing with anything like this. Don't be a doormat.. second chances are for the lottery.
Agree and agree.
Learned that the hardest way you can imagine. It will hurt. But like everything else it takes time. Give yourself that and for gods sake please allow yourself to vent. Then once you do that it will be much easier going through those robitc practices until everything else manages to come full circle and your really ready to move on.
Everyone's healing process varies. Some get over it fast, some take much, much longer. Like I mentioned before, everyone is different (if they weren't, life sure would be boring).
When you allow yourself to give that second chance to the EX.. because he or she says oh.. I've changed... I still love you. I was wrong.. things will be better this time.
I believe someone can change, but usually it takes much longer than a few weeks or month. My guideline is at least six months to a year. I don't believe someone when they "say" they have changed. I pay less attention to words and more attention to actions.
You have to understand that when it happens again... you will just be starting all over again with that same pain.. only this time around you knew going back into it there was that chance and you started it all over again with out having trust.
Again, I believe that only when a significant amount of time has passed should you consider giving it a second chance. The period of NC contributes to that. If you've gone several months without contacting them do you still feel the same way about them?
I think if you've improved yourself you may come to the conclusion that you really aren't attracted to that person anymore. Usually when people grow and mature their taste changes as well. This might explain divorces to some degree. It's hard to maintain a deep attraction to someone you were attracted to at one point in your life but as you matured, you didn't feel the same way anymore. I believe that's why people shouldn't get married at a young age. They should wait until they are firmly established and mature to get married because by then their taste are usually pretty even keel and normally won't change.
Thanks for the reply. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/4/2006 5:21:40 PM | This is an Awesome Post
By the way read Dr.James Dobson's book Tough Love and it helped me tremendously. I was one of those door mats Once Upon A Time. but not anymore. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/4/2006 8:00:16 PM |
By the way read Dr.James Dobson's book Tough Love and it helped me tremendously. I was one of those door mats Once Upon A Time. but not anymore.
Yep!
"Love Must Be Tough" - Dr. James Dobson
"Boundaries" - Cloud/Townsend
(And for the men) "No More Mr. Nice Guy" - Glover
Recommended reading for all thise who would consider themselves door mats, insecure, clingy or those lacking confidence. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/4/2006 8:55:32 PM | jarbarian..nicely written nice to see someones on same thinking level...very refreshing. i am on a second chance to life...just waitin for a guy to be there too...that way we can enjoy the rest of our remaining years together being happy. i also do alot of readin...an talk to others...its what made me ..who i am today...by learnin. but i have a hard time meeting guys...for the simple reason....we seem to be on a different path to our journeys in life. most are just startin to discover who they are...i did that 8 years ago...sure i am still learnin....its what lifes all bout. i would rather be alone then to be anyones doormat again....to many rely on me to make their lives happy...umm no thank you...starts with in yourself....and as for those who are down and negative about life...it tends to suk the life out of me...so i choose to not be round that enviroment...its my choice. i have zero tolerance for ignorant an selfish people.
seems most ferget what important now days...i am thankful to be breath every morning. most have fergotten how to appreciate the little things in life...most take advantage of others. remember treat others .. HOW you want to be treat with ..love..respect..care..honesty an etc.
hugss !!!! daylillies | |
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